#the night we met

I’m kind of considering suicide again

I’m kind of considering suicide again.

It’s not that I’m getting worse

I’m just not getting better

It’s been months, hell it feels like it’s been years

And it’s managed to remain a long

Empty

Numb

Tunnel.

It’s been a blank canvas set up on a easel

But never painted

A new google doc pulled up on a student’s laptop

But not started

A guitar with no strings

If it was going to get better would it not

Already be okay?

Or at least not as bad as it’s been

I find myself listening to “The night we meet”

And “The scientist”

Reminding me of how these feelings

Have been before

And just keep coming again

Why should I keep trying?

Why should I keep fucking trying?

CATRADORA ANIMATIC!!!

this is my first time making something like this :)) i’m rlly proud of how it turned out honestly ,, anyways HD frames can be found in their own post on my profile :3 or click —> here

(TWs IN TAGS!!!)

okay, not usually what i post but here we go:

this song. this song fits dean and cas so well. and im about to explain exactly why.

the entirety of the song about losing someone you once loved, and during season 15, thats exactly what happened. not just with castiel’s death and dean losing him, but during this specific scene during s15e03:

castiel, by this point, has been through hell when it comes to how dean has treated him (because, lets face it, dean is an asshole due to multiple trauma related reasons). he’s been kicked out of the bunker with no explanation, he’s been told that he’s basically useless without his powers (“baby in a trench coat”), he’s been blamed by dean for the leviathans, and he’s been blamed for everything that happened to mary. he knows dean tried to kill HIS SON, for fucks sake.

and yet, castiel still loves him. cas knows that he, himself, has flaws. so he keeps giving and giving, and expects nothing in return. he keeps letting dean vent and take his anger out, he keeps letting the man blame him, because, lets face it, cas thinks he’s right.

so he lets dean do whatever he pleases. castiel, angel of god, fallen for a man that constantly degrades him and agrees with him whenever he blames himself for something he did wrong.

“when castiel first laid a hand on you in hell, he was lost!”

yes, that statement is true. but, castiel also learned free will. he was on his own, he has been through plenty of dangerous situations. and, most importantly, he can handle himself.

so, castiel gets up and looks at dean, telling him that his power is failing, telling him that dean doesn’t care about him. and dean doesn’t object. he sits there, in silence, not stopping castiel as he walks out.

“I had all and then most of you

Some and now none of you

Take me back to the night we met”

dean once had all of castiel, was able to have the angel at his beck and call. during purgatory, dean’s raw instinct was to find castiel. he cupped his face whenever he thought his angel was going to die. and then, he kicked him out. without explanation, without a word.

the second that castiel walked out of that bunker’s door was the second that dean winchester realized he was becoming exactly like his father. pushing away those he cared about for the sake of one goal: keep his family alive. not the family he created, though. only blood. blood was what mattered. all because john winchester ingrained it in his head, beat it through his skull until it stuck.

as castiel walked out that door, dean winchester realized he had lost the one person who loved him and his flaws. in his eyes, he lost the one person who could put up with his bullshit, who could stand to be around him for longer than a few days. because, god forbid, the only one who would stay was sam.

castiel walked out that door with a heavy heart but a clear head.

dean winchester stayed in that bunker with nothing but his brother, his own guilt, and a glass of whiskey.