#sad writing

abusivesubstance:

i went to the beach without you tonight. it was dark out and there wasn’t a single star in the sky, because of course there’s not, theres never a clear night sky when i would want it most. maybe next time i always say, but by the time i get around to making myself look at the edge of the earth it’s always the same when im by myself. i am okay with being by myself. i would still rather have been with you, i still would rather be with you. i wanted to be sharing that moment with you so bad, i craved it more then you’re probably craving some sleep or your own death wherever you’re at as i write this. i hope that next time i go to the beach at one in the fucking morning and sit down on the path and let myself feel for once, it’s because i am feeling your hand squeezing mine or your breath on my neck or your arms wrapped around my body or you. i just want to feel you. and every emotion that comes along with you. your cold or your warmth were all i needed tonight because im just never hallt with moderation.

soooo felt this

I’m just thinking

I was in a Comic Con in 2018, a billion years ago, where a really pretty Hufflepuff high fived me because I was wearing a Gryffindor scarf. There was this guy with a goddamn husky on his scooter who smiled at me through the window of my car. And that rockstar of a girl whom I met way back in 7th grade in a theatre workshop audition. I’ve never seen their faces again, probably never will.

Strangers are so easy to love. I know so little of them, but it’s still enough to remember. It’s like they’re frozen in those 5 seconds of life I shared with them. Maybe I’m frozen somewhere too? Backstage of a competition, in the background of somebody’s profile picture, the dance room of my old school, or maybe that road lined with dancing trees that I often lazily tread with my best friend.

Really makes you wonder if you leave the same mark on others as they do on you. If you’re the clumsy fool, the kind stranger, or the weirdo who they remember judging fleetingly. Because what is life if not the imprint of yourself you leave on the people of this world.

If no one remembers you living, were you even at all?

Breathe.

Close your eyes, what do you see?

It’s all dark and that scares me

I can’t see the roads, they all talk about

Can’t see the paths, etched on the ground

It’s a whole generation, not just me

And the world is on fire, literally.

My friends are turning eighteen, learning to drive

I’m sinking in my dreams, trying to stay alive.

We’re living in dark times,

Ignoring all war crimes.

Miss rona on the run,

Leaching out all the fun.

I’m starting to freak out

Exam dates on the look out

I know they won’t be so bad,

But the competition’s too much, and it’s all just a little sad.

Full marks and even higher

Reservations and sports trials

Where does that leave me?

In the dark, getting sleepy.

There are a million kids, who all wanna beat me

Studying ten hours, they too, must be sleepy.

Close your eyes, what do you see?

A little version of a little me

She’s eccentric and cute, and won’t stop talking

A million dreams and talents she’s unlocking

I’m still eccentric, don’t know about cute

But these days, my mind is on mute

I know, I feel, I hear, I see,

All the commotion, and the catastrophe

I know my talents, I know my dreams

And I know that I have it in me

To make it to where I need to be.

So this is a promise, to my future self,

I’m gonna stop moping, and do my best,

I’ll do all the running so you can rest,

I owe it to you, so you can love yourself.

~Anupriya Sharma

(nerdinacoolway)

14 January, 2021.

I’m kind of considering suicide again

I’m kind of considering suicide again.

It’s not that I’m getting worse

I’m just not getting better

It’s been months, hell it feels like it’s been years

And it’s managed to remain a long

Empty

Numb

Tunnel.

It’s been a blank canvas set up on a easel

But never painted

A new google doc pulled up on a student’s laptop

But not started

A guitar with no strings

If it was going to get better would it not

Already be okay?

Or at least not as bad as it’s been

I find myself listening to “The night we meet”

And “The scientist”

Reminding me of how these feelings

Have been before

And just keep coming again

Why should I keep trying?

Why should I keep fucking trying?

For two years,

You’ve watched me grow.

Tell me..

What did you think of me then

And what do you think of me now?

Maileta /// something I’ve wanted to ask you..

I feel as though a large amount of sadness resides within me.. In a way that seems difficult to grasp. It seems to take refuge within the internal confines and crevices… so much so that the intermingling of two bodies—the metaphysical exchange of pleasure, specifically what exists beyond skin-to-skin and pelvis to pelvis contact—allows for an individual to dip into the pool of my vulnerabilities and reach out to me. The leverage one has… to wield the power of healing or corruption— and the jolt experienced from your touch against my skin causes the transcendental silhouette of my being to become water as it returns back to the very pool in which we both stand. To become one with the sadness around me and disguise myself from being captured, warding off others with the unbearable salinity of my tears, yet I am still vulnerable nonetheless. You can take a sip and I will heal you still, though I can flush you out until all you can witness are the waterfalls within my eyes that pool and gently trickle down my cheeks.

Maileta /// the well within me

I’ve torn back the peels of the banana in hopes to clear my suspicions that it’s a vegetable and not a fruit. After all, it wasgreen. It wasn’t ready, yet forcefully, I tug and pull at the tough skin, anticipating the worst. Funny how I knew all along that it was a fruit. I knewfrom the very start. Yet to my surprise, I took a bite. I hungered for the tart aftermath that left my tongue frayed.

Maileta /// now, chew and swallow

“Just let it go and let it flow..”

But my mind just won’t let me…

Maileta /// self torture

A love

That I cannot have

Right now

It hurts

To feel

Absent, yet

Not present yet,

Here, though

Not there though,

Neither inside

Nor not out

Of love, but rather

To feel

It hurts

Right now

That we cannot have

A love.

Maileta /// our timefully-painless loop

Indeed, sex

Has an ingenuous way

Of reminding me

That I likely will not

Be seeing you

Tomorrow..

Maileta /// coming and going

In darkness,

I would unravel my skin

Like soiled bandages

To remove the moments prior.

In daylight,

I would be painfully naked

Like boiled flesh

To replace the moments after,

With a darker complexion.

Yet, a lighter expression;

Closed eyes

And a pained smile.

Maileta /// いたい。

It seems as though

The intimacy I long for dearly

Will come at a price.

The sweetness between pretty legs

In exchange

For the fulfillment

Of that empty space

Beside me.

Maileta /// quid pro quo, it seems

I am the wind

Therefore, it is only natural that you forget

That I even

Exist.

Maileta /// nonexistent

I am

f a d i n g

a w a y

Though I don’t want to disappear…

Maileta /// translucent

Can physical attraction

Breed anything good?

Besides concupiscence?

Maileta /// unrequited lechery

People take what they want and

l e a v e..

Maileta /// there’s no door

This isn’t a detox, no.. This is far different from what I’ve experienced..

My heart feels different.

This is…

Yes.

The inevitable.

What I’ve wanted?

In due time.

But for now, I must wake up my heart.

I must go now that I may come back

To you.

Maileta /// give it a shot

There’s no fun in being a mystery..

Once you’re found out,

Well.. there’s really nothing else, is there..?

Maileta /// lose the chase

“Thank you.. for giving me a chance.”

Maileta /// leap of faith

Beautiful clouds

But the acid rain

Stains my body

With pains of third-degree burns

And the scent of melted flesh

Leaving my body in shock

As I cannot feel anything anymore.

I am afraid

This is simply not the way I would have wanted

To die.

Maileta /// 痛い。