#sad poem

I’m sharing this as an addition to my lastest post. Sorry if it’s depressing, I just figured it would be a way of showing you guys I’ve not stopped writing at all.

“Unintentional poem to a hoarder (me)

And just when she thought she was safe,

Just when she thought she was over it,

The thing came back.

I came back as a slight tremor,

It came back as a tickle on the back of her hand

It came back as anxiety and depression.

Just when she thought she could move on,

She stopped moving.

She only walked back, senseless, to put everything away.

Away in a box, 

A box meant to be thrown away,

A box she would keep forever.

She walked once more to hide everything away,

She kicked dirty clothes under the bed,

She would still use them nonetheless.

She didn’t unpack the plastic bags full of old clothes either.

No, she would keep them.

Just when she thought she was safe,

The thing came back

And it made her shiver.

She shivered for she knew

She could never go back,

She would never be safe,

She would never get cured.

As time went by,

The thing grew stronger.

Hiding in the back of her mind,

Like a beast lurking in the shadows.

It would ask for little offerings.

A napkin, a bit of sugar, 

The cork of an empty wine bottle…

Little thing to keep it serene.

And she thought she could get better, 

And she threw away bags of things,

And she felt like she was rising from death.

But deep inside, she knew the thing was anything

But dead.

A whole year went by,

A year she thought to be good.

But by the end she realised

The thing had done it again.

She was afraid of throwing away the bag of cookies,

It still had crumbs that she could eat.

She was afraid of eating the chips

That lay flat over her desk,

What if she needed them?

Her tubes of paint, her brushes,

Her palettes, her solvents,

They were all a mess.

In fact, her whole room was a mess.

And she realised, 

She realised too late,

That there were clothes under the bed,

That there were napkins on the bedside table

That her clothes were still in boxes and plastic bags,

And not only that.

She had kept away other things in another place.

She had kept them away because she was afraid.

She was afraid someone else would take them,

She was afraid someone else would use them,

She was afraid someone else would keep them.

So she took them far away,

And neither her nor anybody else could use them,

Not then, perhaps not ever.

But she was okay,

Because at least her things were safe.

Safe, unlike her.”

I need to stop looking at your eyes like they hold something for me.

unaiza n, as empty as my words

things i regret

not picking my mess up sooner/ not eating my breakfast/ my heart skipping a beat for you/ not listening to what my heart had to say/ working all day/ just to keep my mind from thinking about you/ breaking your heart/ still wishing to lean in your arms/ for you’re the only person/ who wouldn’t let me down/ loving you/ denying it/ your love for me/ mistaking it for nothing/ come home/ i need you.

- unaiza n, the list never ends. put it to an end, will you?

loving you was never pretty, it was a war zone. fighting to love you or to let you go.

- unaiza n,how did i think i’ll get out of this without bleeding?

and i’ve been trying to find excuses to kiss you at the places only the sun has touched.

- unaiza n, selling myself to stars just to spend more time with you.

something about you cutting me in so deep feels like home.

unaiza n, boy bye

i was the only thing you didn’t know how to do right.

unaiza n, you were never mine to begin with

If the world will be falling apart, as long as I’d be in your arms, I’d be home.

- unaiza n, home was never four walls and a roof.

fill my heart with song, let me swing for evermore. you are all I long for, all I worship and adore - in other words, please be true. in other words, I love you.

fly me to the moon, let me play up there with those stars, let me see what life is like on a jupiter and mars - in other words, hold my hand.
in other words, darling, kiss me.

If love has never left you gasping for air, ripped you apart and stirred your soul - then you have not experienced love, my darling.

- unaiza n, love isn’t always red

I want to do bad things to you, so wild, so rough that I can’t seem to put them in words.

- unaiza n, until the sun begs us to stop

you’re just a knife twisting in my heart, the burning wounds on my skin. I’ve been trying to write about leaving through the rusted door of this never ending July. but I’m so blinded by the ember sunsets, the hazy lights in your eyes. exquisitely miserable for you – I can’t even move one foot out, or finish the empty verse.

- unaiza n, I can’t leave - I don’t want to.

there are still poems, left undone in the book that we didn’t close right. one of us has to keep writing them - one of us has to keep the words bleeding.

- unaiza n, why couldn’t you be the one to keep us breathing?

but what is love if it doesn’t wreck your soul and haunt you?

- unaiza n, ruin me in the name of love, will you?

I’ve created a small town out of my sadness, and named every empty home after you.

- unaiza n, after you.

but my love, I’ve shed much more than just tears for you.

- unaiza n, blood, sweat and ink

You said you wanted all of me

So here I am

Darkness

Melancholy

Rage

Why are you walking away?

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I remember a time when

I thought he would change

When I thought that my love

Would take his anger away

What a dangerous choice

I was willing to make

To sacrifice myself for a man

Who could never be saved

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When I look back at my life

I only recognize it for a moment

And then it’s gone

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