#2018 journal

“Dying for the right cause. It’s the most human thing we can do.”

Absolutely phenomenal film. Goes down in one of my favourites of all time.

“My motto is if you want to win the lottery you’ve got to make money to get a ticket.”

Breathtaking, suspenseful and absolutely riveting. 

“Don’t get me wrong, I look away. We all look away. But that is the difference between a man and a king.”

I know a lot of people don’t like this movie, but I think it’s great. Not perfect, but pretty great. And I always feel happy and inspired after ever re-watch.

You’ve lived most of your life without feeling properly cared for or loved. Or at least, loved to an extent where you could really feel it and have it affect you. It feels that way in your words and perhaps I’m wrong, but I think it’s why you have trouble making connections, or why you wish for isolation. And it makes me sad because you have such a huge heart and you obviously care deeply about people and how you act around them - even if they hurt you - and you’re delicate and sensitive and get hurt easy as I do, and you beat yourself up about it but you shouldn’t because it’s so beautiful. You are so beautiful.

A drawing/journal page from a while ago. Still relevant.

“It’s all so unbearable holding love, how it makes the girl feel helpless, this period of heavy pockets of change her heart is unwilling to make”

“Unrequited Love in 9 Parts” by Sabrina Benaim

Singers that are helping me stop loving him - even though I don’t want to

“I got eased into a soft head, lived in bottles strewn delight. Slowly dragged myself into a fire.” - “Holes” by LAYLA

I hope that someday you’ll be happy, and have lots of friends and a nice job and that you go on that holiday that you wanted to go on so badly.

This man is so fucking talented. Beyond incredibly talented. I wish I knew him in real life. I wish I could be his friend. His music is so delicate, yet so hard-hitting and intense. Like stained-glass tissue paper, he always somehow manages to leave his presence everywhere. Like the slow, soft, pierce of a dull push-pin slowly going through fabric - not because the point is sharp enough, but because there’s something behind it pushing it with such dogged determination that’s just on the verge of giving up before it punctures. I love his music so much. He’s such a talented, sad man.I wish I could give him a hug. I hope he lives forever.

Paper Dolls

I think a reason why we’d never really have worked out is because we’re both too fucked up. That sounds really harsh, but it’s true. Or maybe we wouldn’t have worked out because of a whole lot of other reasons who knows? I think we’re both just two lonely paper-thin dolls, torn and ripped at the edges, and covered in bits and pieces of tape strips. I guess I just thought that if we only cared about each other enough then it wouldn’t have mattered if we were as paper-thin as we knew we were. I know you just want to sit quietly by the motorway for the rest of your life, and it’s okay to want to do that for a while, but not forever. I’ve tried so so hard to get you off the side of the road for so long, but I can’t do it anymore. I’m sorry.

I was so in love with you. I was unapologetically, effortlessly, and incredibly in love with you. I fully acknowledged all your many many flaws and loved you anyway. And that’s not me being naive or “just being nice”, it was just pure love for you as a whole being because when you love someone, you love the good AND the bad parts. I loved you so much, and it wasn’t enough. Nothing would ever be enough.

(These pages were made four months apart)

I tried to forget you months ago, and failed miserably. I can’t stop thinking about you, dreaming about you, writing about you etc. I think it’s silly to try and force you out of my head, so I’m not going to do that again. I’m just going to let time take its course, let all the memories of you disappear into dust and hopefully I’ll fix myself in the process. 

Absence makes the heart sob like a fucking pussy until your eyes are red and puffy and you’re lying in bed for days in an unwashed jumper with Keaton Henson and Adele playing in your headphones, while surrounded by piles of used tissues, and poetry books, and his face is still plastered on the insides of your eyelids. Everything hurts so much, and I wish I could stop loving him.

“If you must die, sweetheart, die knowing your life was my life’s best part” - “You” by Keaton Henson

This may feel like the easiest option right now, but isolation isn’t the answer. People need people. You need people, even if you don’t think you do.

“And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears” - “After the Storm” by Mumford & Sons

I know a lot of you must be tired of me constantly talking about heartbreak, so I’m really sorry.

Listen to the playlist here

Would it be so bad to just be best friends and spend the rest of our lives driving around, listening to music and falling asleep next to each other?

“I’ve never felt more alone, feels so scary getting old” - “Ribs” by Lorde

“You’ve been hanging around here, trying to make yourself invisible behind this fragile little fuck-up routine… but you can’t. You’re anything but invisible. You’re big.” - Birdman (2014) dir. Alejandro G. Iñárritu

Last week, Kodaline and a couple other Ireland-based bands came to my city to perform for St. Patrick’s day and it was just an awesome experience so I had to make a journal page.