#a book ill never write

I love the way you look.

I love the way you look when your laying next to me.

You have a look of content, your breathing is more calm and you have a soft smile that lingers on your lips.

I love the way you look when you’re driving.

Your demeanor changes to a more concentrated state, but your eyes will wonder to catch a glance of me laughing at something I’ve read, your hand will find its way to my thigh and trace designs.

I love the way you look when you wake up.

Your features hold a child like innocence to them, as you rub your eye your other hand lazily finds my body and pulls it just slightly closer.

I love the way you look when you talk about me.

Your eyes crinkle slightly as your smile widens, you talk about something we did last week, you slowly move closer to me, wrapping your arms around my smaller frame, you look down at me as you finish the story, and that’s the look I love the most.

I love they way you look at me.

I love seeing the emotions you hold for me I’m your soul, I know when you look at me all that you care about is that I’m looking back because I feel the same way, and every time it takes my breath away.

If you don’t love me any more, let me know.

Tell me if you don’t feel that spark when we kiss.

Tell me if you don’t get giddy over seeing me.

Tell me music doesn’t remind you of me anymore.

Tell me if seeing her takes your breath away.

When did you stop smiling while talking about me.

I’ve found something I never knew I was missing until I saw in your eyes.

When I look at you I see every star in the universe in your eyes.

The marks on your skin remind me of the galaxies.

Your smile reminds me of the moon, how even in the darkest of times, I still, will always have you.

Sometimes I think my life was only made by you

“You like to fix people. Its what you’re good at.” He says this with honesty twisted into every syllable.

I feel my insides tie into a knot of confusion and anger, “if I’m so damn good at fixing things why am I still broken? Why can’t I figure out why I’m always so fucking sad. Why I can’t even go out in public without my chest tightening up. Every time so one even breathes on me, I feel my skin crawl and set a blaze. I can’t ever be with someone because all I imagine is the fact I couldn’t even trust my best friend because he stole my innocence how the hell am I supposed to trust someone I’ve only known for a few months. I suck at fixing things. Something broken can’t fix anything!” I scream the last part as if I’m talking to the void that consumes me.

He grabs my hand and makes me look at him, “that’s the problem, you can’t fix something that isn’t broken.”

Maybe I am okay

All of these stars, they all have a reason to be here.

All of them were made for the universe.

All of them shine a certain way and hold a different purpose.

Just like people, we just forget that we all have a purpose.

Our minds haze over the fact that we made it here.

We took our first breath and the universe wanted us.

I think the stars are the people the universe loved the most.

The brighter the star the more important the person was to the universe.

Or maybe its the people who had a hard life, and the universe is apologizing for it.

When I look at the stars, I know you’re that brightest one.

It’s October and my ears still ring at the sound of your name.

You changed like the leaves falling off these trees.

You left me as cold as the air that chills me to the bone.

It’s October and my fingers still tighten around the steering wheel when I pass your home.

The weight of the pumpkin I carry reminds me of your body on mine.

The taste of pumpkin spice leaves the same taste of disgust in my mouth as I think of you.

It’s October and I saw you today.

The fear I felt in my lungs reminds of movies I shouldn’t watch alone.

The children playing in the park reminds me of the innocence you stole for me.

The fire’s you light to keep warm cannot compare to the fire of angry I have brewing in me.

It’s October and you still never said sorry for rapeing me.

The leaves remind of how dead I feel now.

The cold air reminds me that I am still alive and here.

The pumpkin won’t let me forget this weight I now carry.

Pumpkin spice flavor won’t let me forget how much I despise you.

The horror movies remind me that are just as much as a monster as any of the “bad guys”.

I yern to have the joys,of children, but you’ve ruined that for me.

The fire reminds me that I am stronger now, and you have not extinguished me.

I’m going to be okay.

I tip toe into the kitchen, his broad, muscular, back faces me as I inch closer. My small delicate hands trace over the battle scars that liter his body. His skin goes ridged before he sighs contently under my touch.

He turns with a soft smile gracing his bearded face. His long hair frames his face perfectly as his gruff voice lets out a “Good morning”. He leans down to my small height to place his plush lips on mine. In this moment, and every moment, I don’t see the mean, almost animalistic, man everyone else sees.

“Aren’t you afraid of him?” “Has he ever hurt you?” “Do fights ever turn physical?”

This man before me only treats me like glass. His rough, callus hands only touch me in the gentlest of ways. His eyes, dark eyes, only ever hold adoration in them for me. His deep, gravely voice only ever speak praises towards me.

“My sweet plum, please join me for breakfast?” He wraps his strong arms around me, easily picking me up and places me at the table. This strong, seemingly scary man has a soft spot and it’s only for me.

I am made of memories of you.

I don’t want to be here anymore.

I don’t want to be here anymore.

I don’t want to be here anymore.

I feel like I can’t breath.

Like the trees stopped making oxygen.

Or gravity is pushing on my lungs.

Every problem seems so big and I am so small.

I cannot see the bright side of things anymore.

The lights have burned out.

I have burned out.

I’m tired.

I’m tired.

I am so fucking tired.

I wonder if I die if I will see my mom.

I miss her.

Her warm hugs.

Her soothing voice.

Her guidance.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

I don’t know where I am.

I am lost.

I want to go home.

I want to go home.

I want to go home.

Where is home?

Nothing feels warm anymore.

Everything has a icy chill to it now.

When’s the last time I felt warmth in my chest?

I think I need to sleep.

Or maybe eat something.

But I can’t seem to find the strength to move.

I think I’ll just lay here for awhile.

The thunder makes me less lonely.

She un-gracefully twirls in circles, her hair messy, the big shirt she has on plastered on her body by the rain, her face looks towards the sky as lightning allows him to see her nose scrunched and her lips in the biggest smile.

His heart thumps in his chest at the sight. His feet move faster than his mind as he comes from behind her lifting her into the air as she squeals. The sound being drastically warmer than the cold, harsh, rumbles of thunder.

She turn in his arms and the sight before him takes his breath away, “she’s even more beautiful up close”, he thinks to himself. She leans in pressing her lips to his, the feeling is almost intoxicating to him. He pulls back and gently places his hand on her cheek, trying to make sure he doesn’t forget this memory ever. His thumb traces her bottom lip, “You are possibly the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen.”

The look in his eyes gives her a high she’s been searching for but could never find till now. Her fingers tangle into his hair, the thunder rattling their bones, but all they can feel in that moment is eachother.

His heart shuddered as her small hand was engulfed by his. She looked so small, so delicate, like a flower made of glass. Her smile was wide as her name slipped past her lips, it sounded so beautiful and he immediately wondered what his name would sound like coming from those name lips. The thought alone made his hands sweaty, he quickly pulled away before she could notice.

Her breath hitched as she watched the corners of eyes wrinkled as he smiled back at her, she thought in that moment, god truly does have favorites. Her chest immediately filled with butterflies as his hand presses on the small of her back, leading her over to the other party goers.

He watched in awe as she introduced herself to everyone, the way she moved seemed so elegant, it was such a miniscule task, but she managed to still make a lump form in his throat. He felt a odd sense of jealousy as another man made her laugh, probably at something stupid. She turns and her glossy eyes meet his, for a moment the world moves slower as her steps come closer to him.

Her small frame stands before him, her delicate hands caress his check, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen something so beautiful.” Its a mere whisper but he couldn’t hear anything other than her angelic voice.

His chest feels tight, he turns his head slightly, pressing a soft kiss to her palm. “The universe must have made you out of every star in the galaxy, because I’ve never meet anyone who has shinned so bright.” He leans forward, their lips touch, and in that moment he had realized that she had ruined any other woman for him.

My chest felt hollow as I heard the words come out of my father’s mouth.

I stared in silence, my ears ringing, I saw his lips moving, asking if I was okay, calling my name as if he was looking into the void that I felt my soul fall into.

I went to see you one last time, you looked like an angel.

I swept your hair across your forehead and promised you I would love you forever.

Each time I think of you, my hollow chest does not feel as empty.

I feel like vines are growing within my heart, growing out of it, intertwining with my rib cage.

Beautiful flowers cover those vines, your favorite flowers, and on those flowers are butterflies, and bees, and they make those flowers bloom even more with each thought I have of you.

When I think of you I can tell my brain is pulling me out of that dark void.

My brain is flourishing, it’s like my body is finding life again, repairing itself.

Sometimes when I think of you it’s like a breath of fresh air, even if my throat feels a little tight.

And at 3am I think of something funny you said, and I swear I can hear your laugh too.

I’ll miss you forever, but good days are ahead of me.

I like to watch you late at night.

The television light illuminating your soft features.

I see your eyes crinkle and sparkle as you laugh at the movie you’re watching.

I sigh at how you look so peaceful and stress free in this moment.

You turn to me and a smile as bright as the sun fills your face.

You coo sweet words at me and engulf me with a tight hug.

You trace my facial features with your calloused fingertips.

I don’t know what I did to deserve someone who cherishes me as much as you do.

Your eyes are pouring with love and admiration for me.

Mine are looking at you just the same.

I want to stay in this moment forever.

But every moment with you is this blissful.

And then I realize that I have forever to spend with you.

The love we share is endless.