#new writing

a light touch of the sea
a greeting, for me
a reminder, of peace
and something very gentle
lifting from inside
to meet the breeze

Okay…I started writing a new thing and I want to share a sneaky peak of the beginning and gauge interest…I’m nervous for this one so be gentle and leave notes?

Smoke curled in the air around them as her cigarette burned, wrapping around them like a hazy privacy screen in the dimly lit hotel bar. She watched in silence as he meticulously set up an ancient tape recorder that she was sure was older than both of them, as he laid out his notebook and two black pens, as he narrowed his eyes as he carefully made sure everything was sitting at perfect 90 degree angles.

She had no idea why she had agreed to this interview. If it had been about money then she would have returned any of the many calls from The NY Times, The SF Chronicles, Time Magazine, or any of the other massive publications that wanted her story. Her father’s silence only made the many reporters more desperate to speak to her, like they thought she would have some key to understanding why he had done all of the things he was now accused of, as if she was the window into his mind. But instead she had chosen this one - this tiny, unassuming, seemingly neurotic reporter who ran his own online publication and didn’t make eye contact when he spoke. Somehow that was easier, like she could convince herself that she was just talking to that tape recorder, not to a person who would soon tell the world all of the secrets that she was preparing to unleash upon it.

“Okay,” he started, tapping his pen against the fresh notepad, “how about you start with your childhood, what your father was like? Looking back, would you ever have thought he was capable of all the things his victims are reporting?”

She took another long drag on the cigarette, looking through the smoke at her own memories, at summers spent laughing and playing, Halloweens in silly costumes, Christmas mornings that resulted in piles of wrapping paper taller than her. Not a single memory that would have made her think he could ever be the man that was described in those depositions.

“No,” she said as she extinguished her cigarette on the wooden tabletop, “there was nothing that I can look back on and think that my loving, attentive, kind father was the boogeyman.”

I know it’s not much but I’ve been working on it slowly and I’m debating where I want to start posting (here or AO3). I would love any thoughts!

I love the way you look.

I love the way you look when your laying next to me.

You have a look of content, your breathing is more calm and you have a soft smile that lingers on your lips.

I love the way you look when you’re driving.

Your demeanor changes to a more concentrated state, but your eyes will wonder to catch a glance of me laughing at something I’ve read, your hand will find its way to my thigh and trace designs.

I love the way you look when you wake up.

Your features hold a child like innocence to them, as you rub your eye your other hand lazily finds my body and pulls it just slightly closer.

I love the way you look when you talk about me.

Your eyes crinkle slightly as your smile widens, you talk about something we did last week, you slowly move closer to me, wrapping your arms around my smaller frame, you look down at me as you finish the story, and that’s the look I love the most.

I love they way you look at me.

I love seeing the emotions you hold for me I’m your soul, I know when you look at me all that you care about is that I’m looking back because I feel the same way, and every time it takes my breath away.

If you don’t love me any more, let me know.

Tell me if you don’t feel that spark when we kiss.

Tell me if you don’t get giddy over seeing me.

Tell me music doesn’t remind you of me anymore.

Tell me if seeing her takes your breath away.

When did you stop smiling while talking about me.

I’ve found something I never knew I was missing until I saw in your eyes.

When I look at you I see every star in the universe in your eyes.

The marks on your skin remind me of the galaxies.

Your smile reminds me of the moon, how even in the darkest of times, I still, will always have you.

Sometimes I think my life was only made by you

“You like to fix people. Its what you’re good at.” He says this with honesty twisted into every syllable.

I feel my insides tie into a knot of confusion and anger, “if I’m so damn good at fixing things why am I still broken? Why can’t I figure out why I’m always so fucking sad. Why I can’t even go out in public without my chest tightening up. Every time so one even breathes on me, I feel my skin crawl and set a blaze. I can’t ever be with someone because all I imagine is the fact I couldn’t even trust my best friend because he stole my innocence how the hell am I supposed to trust someone I’ve only known for a few months. I suck at fixing things. Something broken can’t fix anything!” I scream the last part as if I’m talking to the void that consumes me.

He grabs my hand and makes me look at him, “that’s the problem, you can’t fix something that isn’t broken.”

Maybe I am okay

All of these stars, they all have a reason to be here.

All of them were made for the universe.

All of them shine a certain way and hold a different purpose.

Just like people, we just forget that we all have a purpose.

Our minds haze over the fact that we made it here.

We took our first breath and the universe wanted us.

I think the stars are the people the universe loved the most.

The brighter the star the more important the person was to the universe.

Or maybe its the people who had a hard life, and the universe is apologizing for it.

When I look at the stars, I know you’re that brightest one.

It’s October and my ears still ring at the sound of your name.

You changed like the leaves falling off these trees.

You left me as cold as the air that chills me to the bone.

It’s October and my fingers still tighten around the steering wheel when I pass your home.

The weight of the pumpkin I carry reminds me of your body on mine.

The taste of pumpkin spice leaves the same taste of disgust in my mouth as I think of you.

It’s October and I saw you today.

The fear I felt in my lungs reminds of movies I shouldn’t watch alone.

The children playing in the park reminds me of the innocence you stole for me.

The fire’s you light to keep warm cannot compare to the fire of angry I have brewing in me.

It’s October and you still never said sorry for rapeing me.

The leaves remind of how dead I feel now.

The cold air reminds me that I am still alive and here.

The pumpkin won’t let me forget this weight I now carry.

Pumpkin spice flavor won’t let me forget how much I despise you.

The horror movies remind me that are just as much as a monster as any of the “bad guys”.

I yern to have the joys,of children, but you’ve ruined that for me.

The fire reminds me that I am stronger now, and you have not extinguished me.

I’m going to be okay.

I am made of memories of you.

She un-gracefully twirls in circles, her hair messy, the big shirt she has on plastered on her body by the rain, her face looks towards the sky as lightning allows him to see her nose scrunched and her lips in the biggest smile.

His heart thumps in his chest at the sight. His feet move faster than his mind as he comes from behind her lifting her into the air as she squeals. The sound being drastically warmer than the cold, harsh, rumbles of thunder.

She turn in his arms and the sight before him takes his breath away, “she’s even more beautiful up close”, he thinks to himself. She leans in pressing her lips to his, the feeling is almost intoxicating to him. He pulls back and gently places his hand on her cheek, trying to make sure he doesn’t forget this memory ever. His thumb traces her bottom lip, “You are possibly the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen.”

The look in his eyes gives her a high she’s been searching for but could never find till now. Her fingers tangle into his hair, the thunder rattling their bones, but all they can feel in that moment is eachother.

His heart shuddered as her small hand was engulfed by his. She looked so small, so delicate, like a flower made of glass. Her smile was wide as her name slipped past her lips, it sounded so beautiful and he immediately wondered what his name would sound like coming from those name lips. The thought alone made his hands sweaty, he quickly pulled away before she could notice.

Her breath hitched as she watched the corners of eyes wrinkled as he smiled back at her, she thought in that moment, god truly does have favorites. Her chest immediately filled with butterflies as his hand presses on the small of her back, leading her over to the other party goers.

He watched in awe as she introduced herself to everyone, the way she moved seemed so elegant, it was such a miniscule task, but she managed to still make a lump form in his throat. He felt a odd sense of jealousy as another man made her laugh, probably at something stupid. She turns and her glossy eyes meet his, for a moment the world moves slower as her steps come closer to him.

Her small frame stands before him, her delicate hands caress his check, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen something so beautiful.” Its a mere whisper but he couldn’t hear anything other than her angelic voice.

His chest feels tight, he turns his head slightly, pressing a soft kiss to her palm. “The universe must have made you out of every star in the galaxy, because I’ve never meet anyone who has shinned so bright.” He leans forward, their lips touch, and in that moment he had realized that she had ruined any other woman for him.

My chest felt hollow as I heard the words come out of my father’s mouth.

I stared in silence, my ears ringing, I saw his lips moving, asking if I was okay, calling my name as if he was looking into the void that I felt my soul fall into.

I went to see you one last time, you looked like an angel.

I swept your hair across your forehead and promised you I would love you forever.

Each time I think of you, my hollow chest does not feel as empty.

I feel like vines are growing within my heart, growing out of it, intertwining with my rib cage.

Beautiful flowers cover those vines, your favorite flowers, and on those flowers are butterflies, and bees, and they make those flowers bloom even more with each thought I have of you.

When I think of you I can tell my brain is pulling me out of that dark void.

My brain is flourishing, it’s like my body is finding life again, repairing itself.

Sometimes when I think of you it’s like a breath of fresh air, even if my throat feels a little tight.

And at 3am I think of something funny you said, and I swear I can hear your laugh too.

I’ll miss you forever, but good days are ahead of me.

I like to watch you late at night.

The television light illuminating your soft features.

I see your eyes crinkle and sparkle as you laugh at the movie you’re watching.

I sigh at how you look so peaceful and stress free in this moment.

You turn to me and a smile as bright as the sun fills your face.

You coo sweet words at me and engulf me with a tight hug.

You trace my facial features with your calloused fingertips.

I don’t know what I did to deserve someone who cherishes me as much as you do.

Your eyes are pouring with love and admiration for me.

Mine are looking at you just the same.

I want to stay in this moment forever.

But every moment with you is this blissful.

And then I realize that I have forever to spend with you.

The love we share is endless.

caught on vlog - Calfreezy (mini imagine)

Prompt list nr. 34: “We have a hate, love relationship” “yeah, without the love.”

I grabbed my vlogcamera and jumped in my car starting my intro there “I’m About to head to the sidemen house and meet up with the guys.” I started the car and made some small talk to the camera about where life was taking me and what we planned doing today. It was meet up day. This year a little more special since Everyone of the friendshipgroup found a way to come over.

“Minter!” I shouted seeing him stand in the kitchen. “How did you got in?” He playfully joked giving me a quick hug. “Tobi being a sweetheart.” He laughed, “he doens’t even lives here and he let’s crazy people like you walk in.” Talia snorted “Hey, we supposed to be friends!”

I met up with the rest of the boys and after a few more Jokes and laughs we were ready to leave for the meet up.

“the girls and I are exploring the area a bit.” I filmed them while being Goofy. “It’s allready fun!” Freya shouted almost tripping over her feet.

“Lady’s,” a familiar voice spoke. “Look who’s here!” I shouted almost pushing my camera in cal’s face. All he did was wink “okay, enough screen time for you.” I gave him a loose hug.

This was a show, cal and you weren’t that good friends, but for everyones sake, the two of you Made a packt: be friendly when the camera is on or with friends.

Time flew by meeting a couple of my watchers. I’ll never get used to this, but I am greatfull their all so nice and we are like a family.

“Lunch!” I crowled down the little stage we were sitting on “I need food!”

“Calm, y/n!” Cal catched my right in time from a fall down the stairs. “Thanks, Hero.” I briefly smiled.

“Look how cute!” Simon shouted vlogging the the minor accident. “We have a love, hate relationship.” Cal smirked. “Yeah, without the love.” I kissed cal’s sheek and Made myself loose from his grip.

At lunch cal tried to catch my eyes a couple times as I could feel his stared on me, while I tried making a conversation with girls ignoring it.

“I’m in need of the ladiesroom, Excuse me.” I crowled over the lap of Talia’s, Simon’s and Tobi’s.

“Y/n?” I could link the voice and the hand on my wrist as cal’s. “Yeah? What are you doing in the girls restrooms?” I snorted “this is technically the outside of it.” He looked down. “Okay, what you need?” I wasn’t really in for a dispute today but could he let me live my life? “About before lunch…” he looked my in the eyes and now I had no choice but look back “Look that remark was a little rude and No, I’m trying to break the rule, it was just the moment.” I breathed out. “But did you mean it?” He asked taking a couple steps back.

I guess this was the time, I realised lying to myself wasn’t an option anymore “not really.” I somehow got on my tiple toes and kissed cal. Not one of those short, what did I just do kisses, No, one of those, this should of happend a lot earlier kisses.

“Well, Well, I told you to go for it.” Harry spat out.