#autism and adhd

The Autism loves making schedules, drawing up planners, writing out every detail of everything that is and will happen

The ADHD forgets we even made the plan two days later even though we spent over four hours on it

lovemedonlothario:

lovemedonlothario:

we as the autistic community have GOT to start talking about how a special interest can be toxic

you might have a toxic special interest if:

• it interferes with your ability to care for your own needs, be they physical, psychological, or social
• they bring out your worst behaviors (might overlap with a toxic fandom)
• they are demonstrably harmful to minority communities/the world at large
  

i once had a therapist tell me to think of special interests like relationships. they CAN be bad for you and sometimes you have to end them.

my special interests become toxic more easily than I’d like to admit. Special interests are not funny or quirky or ‘haha I really like this, maybe it’s a special interest’. They take over my life until it’s the only thing I can think about. It’s now become a habit to bring my switch to college because, although I never end up playing it, when Animal Crossing was my SI, I wouldn’t be able to focus on anything unless I was playing. That’s how much it consumed me. It’s a feeling that is impossible to explain.

Autism in Relationships: an interview with Abby about dating me as an autistic person. (Part 2)

Yesterday I posted part one of this interview with my girlfriend, so you can check that out first if you haven’t read it yet. The aim here is to give people insight on what it can be like when autistic people enter close relationships. So, here’s part 2!

Eden:What are some of your favorite things about the way my autism affects our relationship and the way we interact?

Abby:I don’t think I’ve ever been in a relationship with someone who isn’t neurodivergent, so in general I would say that autism/ADHD makes a relationship good for me because I can be myself around the other person. I know they won’t judge me for doing something “weird,” because… they’re weird too! That understanding makes autistic relationships much more comfortable for me.

Of course, everyone’s autism is different. My favorite things about you are that you are so easygoing and “uncarved” [from the Daoist concept of Pu; uncarved wood]. You’re very innocent and unbothered by society. I also like that you are able to understand sarcasm, which a lot of autistic people struggle with. I’m sarcastic a LOT, and although I would absolutely adjust my behavior if you didn’t understand it, it’s still a nice bonus. It’s also a nice bonus that our special interests align. I like nature/biology and social justice, and you like social justice and nature.

Eden:What are some of your favorite aspects of my autism and how it affects my personality & behavior? (including tiny quirks)

Abby: Again, I like your uncarved-ness and how your autism lets you see past ridiculous societal standards. I don’t live up to a lot of those so that’s super cool. I also like how that quality allows you to experience joy in things that other people might not, specifically in natural details, like milkweed fluff. That is something I love to relate to and partake in. On a related note, I love how strongly your autism makes you appreciate and care about things such as nature, or social movements like the fight against climate change, or me! :) Like Greta says, autism is definitely a superpower in that area, and you definitely have it.

Your autism also helps with your creativity, and since I’m an artist, I can definitely admire that. You have a creative and critical mind, and I love sharing ideas with you. I also love when you share ideas, since you’re so clear and informative. You are a great teacher.

In terms of little quirks, I like your stimming and your cute stimmy laugh. That especially makes me happy since it’s a laugh you only do when you think something is really fantastic. It’s also really funny when you get orange juice for every meal, even if it’s something that definitely doesn’t go with orange juice (like cheesecake). I also like when we impulse buy sweets because of our ADHD.

Eden:Romantic relationships can involve a lot of new experiences. How have you helped me feel comfortable when I get anxious about not knowing what to expect?

Abby:Most of your new experiences are physical ones, since your last relationship was a long time ago and you didn’t have much of a chance to explore physicality. I’ve been in relationships before and have plenty of experience with that, so what I do is generally outline what will happen and always ask before doing something. For instance, when we first kissed, you were like “????!!??,” so I described in (very awkward) detail what I was going to do. I literally gave you a schedule, and that helped you know what to expect. It was important to me that you were the one initiating: even if I was the one suggesting an action, I wanted you to be the one who actually did it first, so I could be completely sure that you were okay with it. I also asked before doing anything new or weird. My general advice is “make new experiences less scary and new by giving a rundown of what will happen.”

Eden:I’m pretty much always moving, and I stim more obviously than you. What are your favorite stims of mine?

Abby: I think the mothman stim is super cute, where you put your hand in front of your mouth and wiggle your fingers. I like when you jump all over the place and do full body stims but I sometimes worry that you’re going to smack something, or me lol. I also like when you laugh and shake your head like a wet dog. And I like the “fiddling with rings” stim because it looks similar to my “picking at nails” stim, and that feels like a special stimmy bond.

Eden:Do you have any advice for people who are friends or romantic partners to autistic people? What do you think are the most important things for them to know?

Abby: Given that many people who are dating an autistic person are also autistic or neurodivergent, a lot of it will be instinctual. So like, go with your gut. (And to add onto that, if you’re dating someone that’s autistic and you’re “neurotypical” I would definitely second guess that and ask yourself why neurotypical is the default. You might learn something insightful and super fun about yourself!).

Remember to set boundaries, as in all relationships, and also remember that your needs are just as important as your partner’s, even when they conflict. For instance, sometimes Eden’s vocal stimming can put me on edge, so to compromise, I might put in earplugs, or redirect their stimming into something physical. Or, sometimes we would make plans and I’d forget about them and freak out when Eden reminded me because it was “unexpected plans,” but then if we canceled, Eden’s autism would be weirded out because of “changing plans.” We would talk and see what each of us can concede, and make a new plan together. Sometimes I would think I was being a bad partner or “suppressing Eden’s autism” if a situation like that arose–that is just not true.

It’s inevitable that needs will conflict and it’s important to respect both people equally. I KNOW a lot of y’all have poor self esteem from being an afterthought in a NT-centered society (cause I do), so don’t forget to value yourself as much as you value your partner or friend. In addition, people in an autistic relationship really cannot measure their bond by neurotypical standards. A simple friendship with an autistic person may include a lot of cuddling and holding hands. A romantic partnership may not include much of that at all, depending on someone’s sensory needs. Eden and I hit a lot of “relationship milestones” in like a month that a lot of neurotypicals don’t hit for years. So, a relationship is not “better” if it does align with a neurotypical one, and it’s not “worse” if it doesn’t. All autistic relationships are beautiful as long as they are healthy. <3 <3 <3

In conclusion, autistic people are so full of love and compassion, and if you decide to be in a relationship, it can be really great! Autistic love is not destined to fail, it’s not harder than any other relationship, and it can absolutely be a wonderful and loving experience.

…

Let us know in the comments or via DM if there are any other questions you’d like us to answer. Abby and I may do a Q&A sometime in the next few months, so if you have anything to ask please do. Thanks for reading!

~Eden