#bad breakup

last week, i saw my ex boyfriend for the first time since the breakup that occurred five months ago. it was not by surprise, i knew i was going to see him that day. i planned ahead; what i would say, how i would look, how i would carry myself. how i would make him regret losing me. although i guess he didn’t lose me. i lost him. it was an emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship and i still felt like i lost him. why did i feel like i lost something? i didn’t lose anything, i gained my freedom…right?

and i guess before seeing him, i was happy. i’m absolutely falling for someone new, and i’m happy when i’m around him. i thought i was past my depression, my anxiety, my dread of waking up every single day, but suddenly, my world crumbled once more, in that moment i saw him.

i was talking to a designer at a fitting, and suddenly, he walks past me and up to a rack of clothing, and my heart stops. my eyes well with tears and i excuse myself. i felt my breath struggling to reach my lungs. i pulled it together, but i knew that was all it took to destroy me.

we later exchanged three words.

“hey” i said.

“what’s up.” he responded, seeming to be more of a courtesy than a question. that was what ruined me.

since that night i have not been the same. i haven’t wanted to go places, to do things. waking up, once again, feels like a chore. i thought i was ok, that my progress these last five months would stand, but they all crumbled when i saw him.

so fuck you T. i can’t wait until the day you realize that you were an abuser, a bully. and i surely can’t wait until the day you want me back. because by then, i will be far gone.