#first heartbreak
last week, i saw my ex boyfriend for the first time since the breakup that occurred five months ago. it was not by surprise, i knew i was going to see him that day. i planned ahead; what i would say, how i would look, how i would carry myself. how i would make him regret losing me. although i guess he didn’t lose me. i lost him. it was an emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship and i still felt like i lost him. why did i feel like i lost something? i didn’t lose anything, i gained my freedom…right?
and i guess before seeing him, i was happy. i’m absolutely falling for someone new, and i’m happy when i’m around him. i thought i was past my depression, my anxiety, my dread of waking up every single day, but suddenly, my world crumbled once more, in that moment i saw him.
i was talking to a designer at a fitting, and suddenly, he walks past me and up to a rack of clothing, and my heart stops. my eyes well with tears and i excuse myself. i felt my breath struggling to reach my lungs. i pulled it together, but i knew that was all it took to destroy me.
we later exchanged three words.
“hey” i said.
“what’s up.” he responded, seeming to be more of a courtesy than a question. that was what ruined me.
since that night i have not been the same. i haven’t wanted to go places, to do things. waking up, once again, feels like a chore. i thought i was ok, that my progress these last five months would stand, but they all crumbled when i saw him.
so fuck you T. i can’t wait until the day you realize that you were an abuser, a bully. and i surely can’t wait until the day you want me back. because by then, i will be far gone.
“It’s been over a year since we let each other go. It’s been over a year since I’ve let go of what could have been my forever. I’d be lying if I said I don’t think about you from to time to time. I should have fought for you, for us. But the truth is, I was a coward. I became afraid of loving you too much and getting hurt in the end. I should have trusted you. I should have trusted my heart.”
“You broke my heart without even knowing it.”
“It was a learning experience. The pain. The hurt. The heartbreak of not getting something that you worked hard for. But it also just means there are other opportunities for you. There are more beautiful sunrises to witness. Use the lessons you learned to be better, to be wiser and to have a more meaningful impact. After all, you are the sun that rises every single day of your life.”
