#breastreconstruction

Tried pushing through today to find more leggings since I’ve fallen in love. I forgot it was still summer and I’m no longer freezing cold all the time like I was for a month post surgery (the only cold part of me are my actual foobs, very weird) The nerve pain in my ribs/under my foobs/in my back is intense, as it comes in waves and is enough to make me cry (which I didn’t do often before surgery). I’ve been wearing a bra 24/7 for 5 weeks and 2 days and I’m over it. At least I was able to do my eyebrows and wear my hair down though. Also, stopped by Vitamin Shoppe and got an Apple Pie @questnutrition bar that I’ve wanted to try Today is for relaxing in the AC, wishing it was fall as I sip on my pumpkin spice coffee and wishing I was recovered. My husband remind me “The bad days make you appreciate the good” which couldn’t be more true #mastectomy #breastcancer #recovery #breastreconstruction #postop #bopo #bodypositive #fightlikeagirl #positivevibes #pain #questbar #protein #edwarrior #mentalhealth #pumpkinspice #allblackeverything
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bm8-WBxF-SA/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=nhzy9mot69e1

I keep my recovery honest - so here it goes. Today is another bad mental health day. I’m severely depressed. I’m in pain, I’m lonely (even when I’m surrounded by others, there’s that lonely feeling in this), I’m restless. Yesterday at the plastic surgeon, a picture of my new breasts were taken just as a follow up - even though they were still healing. At the time, I was shown the “before” picture of my breasts - my real breasts. Not that they were anything special - they were disfigured and trying to kill me. I mourned them. Those were my breasts for 31 years. My real breasts with nipples. Last night I had a dream (I barely dream) about those pictures, and my old nipples somehow being resurrected and put on my foobs. Clearly I woke up and realized this isn’t a reality - I’ll never have real nipples again, I’ll never feel that sensation again. I’m still in a positive mindset, but not being okay is okay. Mourning the loss of my old breasts is okay. I’ll be okay because this journey has made me stronger #mastectomy #mastectomyrecovery #breastcancer #survivor #mentalhealth #depression #bopo #bodypositive #recovery #fuckcancer #breastreconstruction #fightlikeagirl #depression #anxiety #positivevibes
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bmgh9r7FFz9/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=fg2s7ngrtf9k

As prescribed by my Plastic Surgeon. I have one week of using Santyl left then it’s on to the $105 bottle of Biocorneum That means no more surgical pads. I was cleared to start cleaning and doing small stuff today - I got so excited I over did it. The webbing from my axillary web syndrome is throbbing into my armpit where I had my lymph nodes removed and into my back. I realized I definitely need physical therapy so I called my breast surgeon for an appointment on Friday and to check up on my complications as well. My energy levels today are amazing, my mood is amazing. I am thankful.
#mastectomyrecovery #mastectomy #breastcancer #breastreconstruction #positivevibes #fightlikeagirl #fuckcancer #surgery #recovery #survivor
https://www.instagram.com/p/BmeQJ_ylMq_/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=cv2rl5bhcotw

This time 3 weeks ago I was undergoing a double mastectomy with DTI Reconstruction. These past 3 weeks have flown by. I still have 3 weeks until I’m cleared to do…anything. With doing nothing, comes depression. Not the crying depression (okay, maybe sometimes) but the “I have to force myself to eat and shower today because I’m sick to my stomach” depression. The emptiness. The loss I experienced 3 weeks ago though I know now it was 100% for the better. Recovery is lonely, though I am beyond grateful for all the support from everyone that loves me - I cannot imagine going through this alone. Ironically my biggest fear was general anesthesia, now I realize that was the easiest part of this process. I survived. Going through this Mastectomy and Cancer diagnosis made me realize how strong I am, how badly I want to achieve my goals. I refuse to let my mental health stand in the way of ever achieving even leaving my apartment again - agoraphobia kept me a prisoner for way too long. I refuse to be held back any longer. There’s so much of life I haven’t experienced that I’m 100% ready and determined to experience. Mind > Matter. I can and I will.
#mastectomy #breastcancer #breastreconstruction #survivor #mentalhealth #depression #agoraphobia #anxiety #fightlikeagirl #girlswithtattoos #bopo #bodypositivity #loveyourself #foobs #scars
https://www.instagram.com/p/BmTZcixl_SB/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=iwszuduualad

There’s nothing “fun” about recovery. Recovery is boring, lonely, painful. Before my Mastectomy with DTI Reconstruction I was extremely active - I don’t enjoy sitting on the couch for hours or binge watching TV. I miss exercising, cleaning, baking. All of this on top of losing my breasts is taking a toll on my mental health. Sometimes I regret Reconstruction (no wonder I couldn’t make my mind up 100% until pre-op), it’s painful and uncomfortable. I worry all of the time about complications (necrosis, losing my implant - even though I’ve been a good patient) as I already have developed axillary web syndrome as well as a blood blister I have to religiously use Santyl on. My body doesn’t feel like my own. I’ve lost all of my muscle, I drink 8 cups of coffee to get through the day, I’m eating a ridiculous amount of protein to heal faster. I’m bloated, depressed, and just want to get back to my normal life - but better as I’m determined. Through all of this, I choose positivity

#mastectomyrecovery #mastectomy #breastcancer #depression #anxiety #mentalhealth #surgery #breastcancerawareness #fightlikeagirl #girlswithtattoos #breastreconstruction #recovery #survivor
https://www.instagram.com/p/BmbX3jxFn_w/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=ezitwk46n1ay

Recovery morning routine. I’ve actually washed my hair 5 days in a row - go me for keeping bacteria away! Routine is drying my hair while waiting for my skin to dry so I can put Santyl on a part of my incision that has a blood blister, wrapping it in Tefla pads then surgical pads and being confined to a bra from my lumpectomy in 2014 until my next shower. I have no shame in my incision scars, in my foobs, or in my body - they’re all proof of my strength. Tomorrow will be 3 weeks since my surgery. Recovery has been long, boring, depressing. I know resting is what my body needs. Although the thoughts are intrusive, especially since I’m not doing 2.5 hours of cardio or body weight training a day I am giving my body the nutrition it needs. I am grateful for days I do get out. I am grateful I’m healing well. I’m still staying positive and it’s changing my life. Thinking positive is keeping me going. My Mastectomy, my diagnosis of Cancer completely changed my way of thinking, of being, of reacting. In a way, I am thankful #mastectomy #foobs #breastcancer #breastsurgery
#breastreconstruction #recovery #mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #ednos #realrecovery #scars #fighter #survivor #edwarrior #fightlikeagirl #bodypositive #bopo #bopowarrior #loveyourself #fuckcancer
https://www.instagram.com/p/BmRlqtsl-fC/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=cexidk4w32e2

Today, I was given this pin by a 2x breast cancer survivor. I cried the ugliest of tears. It’s amazing the power a pin can hold, the gesture of being told to wear it proud. I immediately put it on this mini (pretty sure it’s a children’s) backpack I’ve been using as a purse. I will carry this with me proudly and never forget the power and the strength of the woman behind this pin
#mastectomy #breastcancer #breastcancerawareness #breastreconstruction #fightlikeagirl
https://www.instagram.com/p/BmMfZAll1jK/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=xa6pnvhvlb69

Today is the first time I’ve put on a T-shirt in over 2 years. My sister kindly brought over some shirts I can step into since I can’t put my arms over my head. We’re currently in the middle of a heatwave so that means a lot to me. Putting on the T-shirt didn’t make me feel insecure, it actually made me feel good about myself - I can wear a T-shirt again! I’m not confined to oversized hoodies and sweaters due to trying to hide my large tumor or disfigured breasts. I am thankful. I’m headed to my first doctor’s appointment of the week. Today, the pain is strong, I feel everything on my right side. Sometimes, I want to give up and as someone with BPD I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have suicidal ideation, but I refocus my thoughts on how lucky I am - lucky for this second chance, lucky for my family, lucky to have a roof over my head, lucky to have healthcare at this important time in my life. I will keep moving forward and being an advocate for my health - mental and physical #mastectomy #breastsurgery #breastreconstruction #breastcancer #breastcancerawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #depression #anxiety #recovery #realrecovery
https://www.instagram.com/p/BmJln1UlxOm/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1p5886x42xkmn

Limbo.
Today was a long day, at least a long day for me - 2 weeks post mastectomy being out for 6 hours between doctor’s appointments. No real answers. The cancer did not make its way into my lymph node. I am thankful. I have doctor’s appointments everyday next week. Today, I am suffering in pain. Today I wasn’t prepared (like I was with my insane pre-surgery I had to schedule if I left home) and settled for Wawa’s hard boiled eggs vs a Quest Bar. Today I had an appetite which included a donut. I don’t feel guilty after barely getting by with eating the past two days. I wait for answers, I recover, I fight for my health.

#mastectomy #breastcancer #breastsurgery #breastreconstruction #fightlikeagirl #breastcancerawareness #mentalhealth #anxiety #depression #ednos #realrecovery #edfam #positivevibes
https://www.instagram.com/p/BmCaJXUFOz2/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=8r3gv26g0p50

Today I am thankful. Today I let myself recover. Today I was able to take a walk. The fresh air was amazing. I am beyond thankful today is the last day of having these drains in. These drains that have caused me to sit sleeping up the past 10 nights. These drains that have caused me pain. These drains that I try to hide in oversized hoodies. These drains that caused me so much pain last night I was crying and hyperventilating (very rare for me). These drains that caused me to rush to the ER last night where my blood pressure was 155/103 (I usually run in the 90/60 range) which the nurse couldn’t believe he had taken it twice - all due to pain. I am very thankful to the ER doctor that was able to manipulate the drains and stop the pain. 12 hours and 30 minutes until these drains come out. Today was a bad body image day again, I miss exercise. I feel weak, I feel like not doing anything is not enough. This feeling is hard to overcome. I chose to wear the leggings and smaller hoodie again, exposing not only my drains but parts of my body I feel uncomfortable with. I am learning to accept my new life - whatever this may be, I am taking it day by day

#mastectomy #breastreconstruction #strongwoman #prorecovery #realrecovery #depression #anxiety #ednos #edwarrior #edfamily #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #breastcancerawareness #fightlikeagirl
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