#agoraphobia
I hate having to reschedule doctors visits and appointments around my anxiety… I feel ridiculous. There’s no magic pill … there’s no JUST DO IT… it’s fucking lame and I wish I could just be normal on days like today.
anon suggested fly high by burnout syndromes!!
mod note: i like this one!! hope you enjoy, thanks for the request!! and thank you all for your patience, sorry about that hiatus!!!
I’ve changed so much in the past few months that I don’t know where to begin, but I’ll try.
I have a wonderful psychologist, Rhiannon, who is very encouraging and accepting of my chronic illnesses. I broke off my several year relationship with my toxic psychiatrist and no longer feel the need to have one in my life.
I’ve had a well needed health overhaul. I now exercise everyday from Monday to Friday. I portion control, I drink herbal teas to keep my cravings at bay. I weigh myself only once a month, the week after my period, and reward myself with a cooked breakfast.
I’ve gone from debilitating agoraphobia to learning to run small errands and considering returning to finish my degree at university. I would say that my anxiety is mild now, I’ve learnt from daily meditation and through living by the ACT principle to put my worries in order.
I was in a position where I hadn’t been outside with my husband for several years, but now I go everywhere with him. He accompanies me on my swims and walks, and we have recently started going to the shops together and plan to expand. I have the idea of sharing a coffee with him while out and going on a small bus ride together in the not too distant future. I rely on him more while also feeling more independent and I trust him more than I thought I could.
I’ve lost 2-3 dress sizes and at least 25kgs in the past year. My health is much better as is my sleeping. Despite my arthritis, I am on less medication and am feeling less pain and stiffness.
I have a stronger relationship with my sister and am appreciating my relationships more. I’m a more reasonable, calm person. I am stronger than I ever have been. I am content with my life, I cherish it, and I look forward to the future.
It’s not “the New Normal™” for me, just regular boring ol’ Normal Normal
(Someone please send me a Kaonashi costume, I need something to wear when I go out in public.)
School is okay, I guess, but I always feel like I’m doing something to humiliate myself…Talked to some people on Friday, and felt like a real dolt afterwards. I just tried to read Ulysses until some jocks got to me. Then I was like “O__O Oh shit.” I’ve just kind of been going over Friday all weekend and have been going through everything I wish I wouldn’t have done, and everything I wish I would’ve done. I really just think I should keep my mouth shut and keep quiet. I mean, I already do that, but I feel like when I do speak, I just kind of act like a jackass. I’m super awkward, so I think I accidentally make people feel like it’s them when it’s definitely me. Then I’m all nice and loud and jokey and stupid and doltish. Oh my God…I’ve been playing with my pendulum here lately…I want a planchette necklace. Etsy has some lovely ones! I love resin jewelry.
In the meantime, I thank you all for actually reading my bullshit and liking/re-blogging my posts. I am happy to say I’ve finally made it past 300 followers. Thank you all, you’re all so beautiful. I appreciate you all putting up with me! ❤ ❤ ❤ Love you all. ❤ ❤ ❤
P.S.: Quick Fact: I hate Mondays and always have–even when I didn’t have school.
Send me asks. It is a cold, dark and lonely night.
tw: anxiety, depressing stuff.
I’ve tried to draw here how I feel on a daily basis, but I still feel kinda awful. I don’t like talking about it, but I don’t know how to recover exactly. I feel like maybe I should talk about more due to the nature of it (fear of ppl/talking lol).
When I stay silent, the entirety of me stays silent. I’ve had an anxiety spike that was so bad in the beginning of june, I just dropped out of the internet. Then about a month later I tried coming back, again and again. I’ve been scared to talk to people close to me. Been scared of getting hurt, while hurting myself. My anxiety is kind of terrifying. It sent me into a dark void where I feel like I’m constantly being torn apart.
A lot of people don’t get it. I look pretty normal, but my feelings and phobias are so vacuum packed and concentrated inside me. I’m at my lowest point right now, so I’m making this post to check back on it someday. It’s a new month, my favourite month, and I don’t want this asshole (anxiety/depression) ruin things for me anymore. It’s scary, and I can’t cure it, but I need to make some changes. This year sucks, and life will throw some curveballs. I’m just gonna march forward and try, see how it goes.
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She’d looked up at him once, when he was stroking her face, both of them naked and together, and she’d muttered a few words, her voice scraping the top of her range. It was cracked and broken, an indicator of exactly how she felt after what they had done. But she’d needed cracking, and she’d wanted to be broken. It was a catharsis.
“You make me feel so small.”
Those were the words, and they were uttered with the kind of offhanded innocence that any perceived insult or complaint was never perceived, never even considered. He’d smiled in the knowledge that he’d done the right thing, that he was, in that moment, just.
She didn’t want to feel small right now. It made her feel alone, broken and cracked in all the wrong ways. She wanted to go outside and not feel as though the world could swallow her up, wanted to swallow her up. She’d never understood agoraphobia. What could be so scary about the open?
She understood agoraphobia. It was the unwillingness to face the truth of one’s insignificance, answering with denial the question that you accept that you’re a speck on a speck, a mote on the pale blue dot.
So she stayed inside, where the walls were the only indicator that she wasn’t as big as she wanted to be. She was ok with being small in here, where it was just four walls almost within arm’s reach.
She’d told him that he made her feel small. The part she hadn’t told him was that, when he was around, she was ok with that. She wished she had.
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Yesterday was a bad day. I have an appointment with my plastic surgeon tomorrow that’s been weighing on me. I feel like I have no control over my body, which caused me to engage in disordered thoughts and behaviors (binging/over exercising). Today, I’m paying for it. Today, I’m practicing self love. I baked my favorite blueberry muffins and drank my favorite caramel vanilla coffee with French vanilla creamer. Today, I’m taking control of my eating disorder. Today, I’m letting myself feel anxious and depressed because it’s okay to feel. What I’m not doing is letting my anxiety, depression, eating disorder, or other emotions control me. I’m still in control of both my body and my mind. I’m strong, my diagnosis, my surgery, my recovery has made me strong and I refuse to fall back to the scared person I was before. I’m not scared, I’m ready for any challenge. Not every day will be good, but there will be good in every day. Yesterday was a lesson. #mastectomy #breastcancer #foobs #fightlikeagirl #mentalhealth #ednos #panicdisorder #anxiety #depression #agoraphobia #edrecovery #edwarrior #foodie #baking #muffin #blueberry #coffee #bopo #bodypositive #selflove #selfcare #stretchmarks #girlswithtattoos #adultswitheds #allblackeverything #loveyourself #positivevibes #positivity
https://www.instagram.com/p/BoIAxCOFORr/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1xubssjlt56o6
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Monday. Where did the weekend go? I’m tired (not that I work or have a reason to get up at 6am besides not being able to sleep more than 4.5 hours the past two months which I’m actively seeking though), clearly. Last night I binged and felt bad about it. Those thoughts are always going to be there, but I didn’t exercise purge or restrict today. Today I cleaned and walked for an hour. Now I’m practicing self care by enjoying a cup of pumpkin spice coffee ☕️ Coffee is my favorite, which is funny because before my surgery I couldn’t handle caffeine - now I need at least 3 10oz cups + iced tea a day I’m not sure what to do with myself at the moment, I haven’t had down time in over 2 weeks and it’s…boring. I want to be out, around people, anything. I’m excited to go grocery shopping tonight, as lame as that is. I’m having an off day. I feel nothing, but this is my “usual” - numb. If only my body felt the same way and this cording went away #breastcancer #breastcancersurvivor #foobs #fuckcancer #fightlikeagirl #mentalhealth #ednos #anxiety #depression #agoraphobia #recovery #pumpkinspice #coffee #edwarrior #edrecovery #adultswitheds #bopo #bodypositive #selflove #selfcare #positivevibes
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bn1pR6plWys/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1xk4760w65ygq
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8 weeks post Mastectomy with DTI today Saw my wonderful breast surgeon whom I love and am so happy I was referred to, she makes me feel so comfortable with her hugs (which I usually do not appreciate from people). The nurse asked me if my hair was real, she was shocked when I said yes and she explained she always thought I had extensions. This made me feel good as I thought my hair has been falling out more lately Bad scar tissue along my scar line - very painful, but NO infection!My liver will have to suffer with more Tylenol until further notice. Cording still very bad, skin on my left foob is swollen from the scar tissue. No limitations and move my arms as much as possible Time to get strong again My surgeon is very pleased with my walking every day I see my plastic surgeon on the 24th which I can’t wait for as I need cleavage (my foobs are very hard and separated) and he’s a perfectionist so I know he’ll come up with the best plan Very bad anxiety today (obviously pre hormonal - awesome) but I STILL beat that anxiety and drove myself to my own appointment On the way home I was CRAVING another Cookies & Cream Quest bar so I listened to my body, stopped at CVS and got one. I’m feeling positive (besides this annoying pain) - pushing the negative thoughts away and moving forward. Today feels like fall and it’s my favorite weather - overcast ⛅️ I’ve been wearing a hoodie almost everyday since my surgery because my foobs make me FREEZE. My husband had no idea what I meant that my foobs were freezing ALL of the time so I told him to feel them - he was amazed at how cold they were vs the rest of my skin (even my forever cold hands). Foobs are weird. I’m so thankful, so happy, so positive. I couldn’t ask for more or better healing #mastectomy #breastcancer #breastcancersurvivor #fightlikeagirl #fuckcancer #mentalhealth #anxiety #depression #ednos #edwarrior #edrecovery #adultswitheds #agoraphobia #bopo #bodypositive #loveyourself #onaquest #fitnessjourney #protein #foobs #selflove #positivevibes
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bnt34X6lXk1/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=pwwyepn7hk1y
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Oh hey medical ID bracelet I have to wear the rest of my life Today is a better day - mentally & physically. For the first time ever I drove to my psychiatrist appointment alone. Of course I experienced anxiety but I overcame it to come home and drink a cup of pumpkin spice coffee ☕️ Coffee = self care to me. Psychiatrist has been nagging me about my weight loss, as if I didn’t just have my tits full of tumors cut off of my body. I’ve been asked monthly if I’m bulimic for the past 6 years (one ED I have thankfully never suffered from) because I guess it’s hard to believe someone can be natural thin and suffer from emetophobia Also nagging me about getting blood work - I’m not there yet mentally, being afraid of needles and knowing it has to go into my leg/foot (fear of the unknown). Today a nurse asked me how I prepared for my Mastectomy at such a young age. I told her I didn’t, which is the truth. I didn’t know if I wanted Reconstruction until my plastic surgeon was literally marking me up in pre-op when I was pumped full of good drugs and thought “Fuck it, let’s do this!”. I packed a bag full of food (yes, that’s what was important to me) that I didn’t eat because the hospital food was amazing, bought a travel pillow for on the way home, and brought my Grandma’s Eagles blanket I sleep with every night since she passed away. I didn’t prepare meals ahead of time, didn’t buy surgical bras (which is why I’m STILL wearing bras from my 2014 lumpectomy), didn’t buy pillows - absolutely nothing. Why? I was in denial, some days I think I still am or maybe hearing I had breast cancer and getting over my biggest fear (surgery, specifically general anesthesia and 8.5 hours of it at that). I’m so lucky to have had my husband and family that first week of recovering. My husband for going out and buying me pillows before I came home, my family got bringing me things I needed and helping me. Very lucky. I’m very thankful I’m a stronger woman now #mastectomy #breastcancer #breastcancersurvivor #fightlikeagirl #mentalhealth #anxiety #depression #agoraphobia #fear #ednos #edwarrior #edrecovery #bopo #bodypositive #loveyourself #positivevibes #pumpkinspice
https://www.instagram.com/p/BnmOXbEl0SO/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=7ma1fjibc05r
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Bloated AF today. I hate summer - the heat, the humidity, the sunshine. Summer gives me seasonal depression. Holidays always bring out the worst in my ED brain and I lose it. I can’t accept that my weight is up a pound from Friday, even though I know it’s due to my body still regulating since surgery. I cannot logically accept the number on the scale at the moment. I still nourished my body with what it needs - my everyday “diet” (I hate that word) since surgery, but I can’t be around “unsafe” food in fear of binging (yes, even healthy food). I do not restrict, thankfully. I’m still able to get my 100g of protein a day, eat my dark chocolate M&M’s and enjoy the amount of complex carbs I’m allowed (literally, doctor’s orders) without guilt. I’m tired of hearing “You need to gain weight” - I would never make a comment about someone’s body/weight to them. You don’t know what someone struggles with, that comment triggers my ED brain - triggers me to want to lose more weight. Before surgery I ate way more calories (yes I track. ED behavior? Maybe or maybe because I’m concerned about my macros & making sure I get enough protein/fat/not too many carbs especially simple carbs for healing), I also worked out for 2.5 hours a day. I would do anything at the moment to just work out for 30-60 minutes without pain at the moment. I miss moving. I miss feeling “normal”. I’m in a better place mentally (panic disorder, agoraphobia, PTSD, BPD, EDNOS) overall since my Mastectomy/Cancer diagnosis, I challenge myself more everyday but today is a bad day and I can be open about it. I’ll make sure tomorrow is better - I didn’t go through all of this to end up with the slow suicide of an ED that’s already taken more than half of my life away from me. I’m stronger than this & I will win #mastectomy #breastcancer #breastcancersurvivor #ednos #edwarrior #adultswitheds #recovery #prorecovery #edrecovery #realrecovery #mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #ptsd #bpd #foodie #eatingdisorder #agoraphobia #fightlikeagirl #bopo #bodypositive #loveyourself #fuckdietculture #selflove #bodydysmorphia
https://www.instagram.com/p/BnPho1Tlt5u/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=lz5ed0wooq4g
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Breast Cancer may have taken my breasts, my nipples, the body that I knew almost 6 weeks ago but it’s also given me strength. Today is the first time in over 3years I’m wearing a T-shirt in 96 degree weather. Why? After my lumpectomy in 2014 I was left disfigured due to all of the breast tissue that was taken along with the tumor. At that time I also had over 12 fibroadenomas in my breast (some classified as Giant and clearly visible) but in the words of my GYN last week “Thank God for those fibroadenomas” as without them my cancer would have still been in my body, aggressively growing. Friday will be 6 weeks since my double mastectomy with reconstruction. It’s been 6 weeks since I’ve worked out - do I feel bad about myself? Sometimes, not in a guilty way as in a “my body changed so rapidly in 6 weeks and I have no idea how to feel about it” way. It’s not easy seeing your body go from stronger and having muscles to all the loose skin/weakness and be okay with it as you’re not only recovering from surgery but EDNOS as well. I have to change the way I think when those thoughts come to me - I will get my strong(Er) body back, I’m doing what’s best for my body right now and letting it heal. I’m so thankful for what I’m now capable of mentally and how far I’ve come in just 6 weeks #mastectomy #breastcancer #fuckcancer #breastcancersurvivor #fightlikeagirl #recovery #anxiety #depression #agoraphobia #mentalhealth #ednos #realrecovery #edwarrior #foobs #bodypositive #bopo #loveyourself #girlswithtattoos
https://www.instagram.com/p/BnEkQunFmNW/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1eqzts3ihnvtp
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Happy Friday (yes, I know this picture is from Monday but let’s be real I could never make myself look this good ♀️) This time 5 weeks ago I was in the operating room undergoing my Mastectomy with reconstruction. I can’t believe it’s been 5 weeks! Time seriously flew. Last week I was dealing with major depression, but I never chalked it up to being PMS. I was SO mad at my body when I got my period for the second time since being home from the hospital. I then turned my thinking to a positive - my body is properly functioning and even though my post Mastectomy periods are way more severe I am THANKFUL for my body being amazing On Tuesday I saw my GYN who referred me to my amazing breast surgeon - since my cancer diagnosis and history of cysts/lesions on my ovaries tests were ordered and even if anything small is seen, in the least exploratory surgery will be ordered This week I took a turn in my recovery - I’m bursting with energy now and feel like I’m ready to take on anything! I’ve also been challenging my agoraphobia and anxiety on a daily basis - not only have I been driving and going to appointments alone but I’m driving and exposing myself to going to stores alone! Also, I haven’t worked out in 5 weeks and I don’t feel bad about it one bit. I’ve accepted my body, I love my body for all it does for me. I like this new me #mastectomy #breastcancer #breastcancersurvivor #fuckcancer #fightlikeagirl #positivevibes #anxiety #agoraphobia #recovery #mentalhealth #adultswitheds #ednos #edwarrior #bopo #bodypositive
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bm3fKT0FOb5/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=gghjp4n6yn8s
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I’m so thankful for my second chance. I let my anxiety, fear, and mental illness hold me back for far too long. It’s sad it took losing my breasts and a cancer diagnosis for me to realize this. I like this new me. Am I cured from my anxiety? Absolutely not, but I do realize now I have control and power over it. I can and do change the way I think and feel. I will never let anything hold me back in life again. I’ve found my strength, I am thankful - so very thankful. I can finally get the medical help I need because I can leave my apartment and drive to my appointments - which I did today. Today resulted in me not taking no for an answer, me asking for testing, and a possible exploratory surgery approaching. Am I scared? A bit, due to what the results will be but if I want to live I have to push and fight for myself. Do I still get anticipatory anxiety? Absolutely, but the mind is a beautiful, powerful thing and I can control it #mastectomy #mastectomyrecovery #breastcancer #mentalhealth #anxiety #agoraphobia #recovery #fightlikeagirl #positivevibes
https://www.instagram.com/p/BmwcEASF__w/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=awvij4ddpv7w
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KEEP THAT HEAD HIGH, GIRL
Today it’s been 4 weeks since my Mastectomy with DTI Reconstruction. It’s been 15 days since I learned I had a malignant tumor. Recovery has not been easy, I’ve had more bad days than good but TODAY is a GOOD day Yes, I’m still in pain. Am I relying on more than Tylenol? NOPE! Yes, I’m still going through the emotions of losing my breasts. Yes, I’m dealing with a little bump in the road known as axillary web syndrome. You know what, though? This surgery has changed me as a person. I’m so grateful I pushed myself away from fear, away from irrational thoughts and 4 weeks ago decided (thankfully now that I know my tumor was malignant and closely related to the cancer my Grandma passed from) to go for it. Of course I was terrified. This surgery made me realize what’s tattooed on my shoulder - FEAR IS A LIAR Since my surgery I’ve been pushing myself, pushing myself mentally in stuff I couldn’t do previously due to my panic disorder, due to my EDNOS, due to my mental road blocks. I wouldn’t leave my apartment for weeks at a time because of fear, because I needed to keep up with my disordered over exercising routine, because I let my agoraphobia win. I didn’t drive for years out of fear - before TODAY that is I drove myself to see my breast surgeon and I couldn’t be prouder of myself. I haven’t driven in so many years. I am so thankful. With it being week 4 of recovery that means I haven’t exercised in over 4 weeks and I’m okay with that because my body is treating me amazing through recovery and I know I’ll get my stamina back and be stronger than ever. It’s amazing what a positive attitude can do - I love my life on this side
#mastectomy #mastectomyrecovery #breastcancer #survivor #fightlikeagirl #agoraphobia #fear #anxiety #mentalhealth #ednos #edwarrior #girlswithtattoos #fearless #strongwoman #bopo #bodypositive #positivevibes #scars #loveyourself
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bmlt7CPlLfD/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=dg2k6kvmbm5v
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This time 3 weeks ago I was undergoing a double mastectomy with DTI Reconstruction. These past 3 weeks have flown by. I still have 3 weeks until I’m cleared to do…anything. With doing nothing, comes depression. Not the crying depression (okay, maybe sometimes) but the “I have to force myself to eat and shower today because I’m sick to my stomach” depression. The emptiness. The loss I experienced 3 weeks ago though I know now it was 100% for the better. Recovery is lonely, though I am beyond grateful for all the support from everyone that loves me - I cannot imagine going through this alone. Ironically my biggest fear was general anesthesia, now I realize that was the easiest part of this process. I survived. Going through this Mastectomy and Cancer diagnosis made me realize how strong I am, how badly I want to achieve my goals. I refuse to let my mental health stand in the way of ever achieving even leaving my apartment again - agoraphobia kept me a prisoner for way too long. I refuse to be held back any longer. There’s so much of life I haven’t experienced that I’m 100% ready and determined to experience. Mind > Matter. I can and I will.
#mastectomy #breastcancer #breastreconstruction #survivor #mentalhealth #depression #agoraphobia #anxiety #fightlikeagirl #girlswithtattoos #bopo #bodypositivity #loveyourself #foobs #scars
https://www.instagram.com/p/BmTZcixl_SB/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=iwszuduualad
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Trying something new because what I’ve been doing clearly isn’t working very well.
#fightingmentalillness #depression #anxiety #agoraphobia #selfhelp #selfhelpbooks #leecrutchley #howtobehappy #howtobehappyoratleastlesssad #personalgrowth
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My fortune cookie was on point yesterday. My anxiety has been really hard to deal with recently. Pushing myself out of my comfort zone has been almost impossible and some stuff at work is really taking its toll on me but I’m pushing myself forward one day at a time!
#dealingwithanxietywithoutdrugs #natureismymedicine #anxiety #anxietysucks #anxious #inspiration #generalizedanxietydisorder #agoraphobia #nevergiveup #fortune #fortunecookie (at Austin, Texas)
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Here’s my experience of living on my own while having anxiety and fear of changes!
Don’t forget to like, comment and subscribe!
Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjEERzG1WJw&ab_channel=TheSuicideEffect
