#brett hand

Reagan: Hello, can I get a glass of wine?

Cashier: Ma'am, this is a McDonald’s?

Reagan:…

Reagan: Oh, I’m sorry.

Reagan, sounding smug: Can I get a glass of McWine?

Brett, dragging her away from the counter: I’m sorry, please ignore her.

Gigi: So, what is Reagan to you?

Brett: The reason I wake up every morning.

Gigi: Awe, that is so sweet!

[Earlier that morning]

Reagan, barging into Brett′s room, smacking pans together: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP!!!

Brett, singing: My grandpa has a nose and my grandma has a nose!

Brett, still singing: Reagan had a nose! Gigi has a nose! Andre has a nose! Glenn has a nose!

Brett, continuing: Myc has uhh— everyone you know has a nose, nose, nose!

Glenn:…

Glenn: My grandfather’s nose was blown off in the war so that song is a filthy lie.

Brett:So I can never be around a woman outside of work?

Reagan: That’s not what I’m saying, that would be crazy!

Reagan:…

Reagan:All I am saying is if you’re going to hang out with a woman, it has to be when the sun is up!

Reagan:And she can’t be taller than me, or younger than me, or weigh less than me, or look like she weighs less than me.

Reagan:Also! You can’t share food!

Reagan:…

Reagan:Okay, I guess if you’re stranded, and you have to share food – then clear soups or broths only!

Reagan:And you will display your wedding band close to your face at all times. Photos of your children must be present, if they themselves cannot be!

Reagan:If she happens to touch you – even if by accident! – you will excuse yourself and call me immediately!

Reagan:If she has smokey eye makeup, that is bad. If she has a lazy eye, that’s good!

Brett:Reagan—

Reagan: You must always travel in separate vehicles–!

Reagan:Going back, lazy eye is out, it encourages eye contact. And she must never, have EVER been, or even WANTED TO BE, a gymnast.

Reagan:Oh, and this goes without saying, but no Denzel movies.

Brett: I’ll help my mother in the kitchen. Why don’t you go keep my father company?

Reagan: He doesn’t want me out there. I’m the creepy guy who has sex with his son.

Brett: Don’t be silly, he loves you.

Reagan: Does he?

Brett:…

Brett: Probably more than me. Since you own Cognito and all— Okay, he cares about you a lot.

Reagan:Really?

Brett:…

Brett: I do crap for you all the time. Get out there.

Reagan: Did your dad ever like… beat you?

Brett: No, he never hit me. My dad is a respected billionaire businessman and he was a debate team champion.

Brett:So he would pick me apart psychologically instead.

Andre and Myc, to Brett after doing something wrong: Don’t tell Reagan about this?

Brett: You want me to lie to Reagan?!

Myc: Yeah. Is that a problem?

Brett:…

Brett:No.

Reagan: I’ve caught this stupid disease because of Brett.

Myc: For the last time Reagan, feelings are not an illness.

Reagan:Why are your tongues purple?

Gigi: We had slushies. I had a blue one.

Andre: I had a red one.

Reagan:Oh.

Reagan:…

Reagan:OH!

Brett:…

Brett: You drank each other’s slushies?

Andre: Reagan isn’t answering her phone.

Brett, sighing: I’ll call.

Glenn:…

Brett: [Dials Reagan]

Glenn: Gigi, Andre, Myc, and I have all tried six times each, what makes you thi-

Reagan:Brett?

Reagan, coming into the war room: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?

Glenn, shocked: Reagan— Language!

Brett:Yeah, watch your fucking language.

Andre: OKAY WHO TAUGHT BRETT THE FUCK WORD?

Gigi: ‘The fuck word’.

Myc: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time!

Gigi: Oh my god, they censored it.

Glenn:Say fuck, Myc.

Gigi: Do it, Myc. Say fuck.

Reagan: If you bite it and you die, it’s poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it’s venomous.

Brett:What if it bites me and it dies!?

Gigi:Then you’re poisonous. Jesus Christ, Brett, learn to listen.

Andre: What if it bites itself and I die?

Glenn: That’s voodoo.

Brett: What if it bites me and someone else dies?

Myc: That’s correlation, not causation.

Glenn: What if we bite each other, and neither of us die?

Andre:That’s kinky.

Reagan: Oh my God.

[The Gang is over at Reagan’s house]

Brett: Ohhhh, we each get our own oven?

Reagan:…

Reagan:N-No…

Reagan, laughing: How many ovens do you think I have?!

Brett, motioning to her kitchen: Three, I thought!

Gigi: Ooh! I see a-

Reagan, motioning to one device: This is a microwave.

Brett: Oh, well I-

Reagan: Hey wait wait, actually- hang on-

Reagan: [Fiddles with the buttons on the microwave]

Reagan, amazed: Its got a bake setting!

Andre: Ohoho, you learn something new every day!

Glenn: Do we- Do we roshambo for who gets to pick first?

Reagan: Now I’ve just discovered I have more ovens than I thought, we don’t have to roshambo nothin!

Reagan: I am someone who owns four ovens…

Reagan, louder and way too happy: I am someone… who owns FOUR OVENS…

Reagan:I didn’t know I was so rich with ovens…

Myc, pointing to another appliance: Also the toaster oven!

Reagan:…

Brett: Ohhh, toasty boy! Four- Five ovens!

Reagan:…

Reagan, fucking ECSTATIC: I AM SOMEONE WHO OWNS FIVE OVENS

[The gang right before Brett and Reagan’s wedding]

Reagan: Well I have to go, I have a wedding to attend.

Gigi:Wait… Oh! I have a wedding to attend too!

Andre: Oh, I have a wedding to attend as well!

Glenn:…

Glenn: I THINK WE ALL HAVE WEDDINGS TO ATTEND–

Myc, panicked: I THINK I HAVE A WEDDING TO OFFICIATE–

Reagan, checking the invitation card:Wait…

Reagan:I’m getting married today?!

Myc: Reagan… How do I begin to explain Reagan Ridley?

Brett:Reagan is flawless.

Gigi:I hear her hair’s insured for $10,000.

Glenn: I hear she studied at high elite schools… in Japan.

Andre: One time he punched me in the face… it was awesome.

Brett: Just be yourself.

Reagan: “Be myself”?

Reagan: Brett, I have one day to win someone over. How long did it take before you guys started liking me?

Brett:I’ve liked you since the moment I met you.

Andre: Eh, couple weeks.

Glenn: Six months.

Gigi: A few years.

Myc: Jury’s still out.

Brett:…

Reagan:…

Reagan: See, Brett?

Reagan:“Be yourself”. What kind of garbage advice is that?

Gigi: Everytime I hear someone talking about updog, I’m torn between not wanting to fall for it and wanting to help them complete their joke.

Brett:Okay, but what is updog?

Glenn: Updog is a long sausage in a bun, often served with ketchup, mustard, onions, and/or relish.

Reagan: Not, that’s a hot dog. An updog is when a new version or patch of an application is released.

Myc:No, that’s an update. You’re thinking of the fourth largest city in Sweden.

Brett: Surely, that’s Uppsala, where’s updog is the giant spider in Harry Potter.

Reagan: That’s Aragog. Updog is a symbol conventionally used for an arbitrarily small number in analysis proofs.

Andre: You’re thinking of epsilon. Updog is an upward-moving air current.

Myc:No, that’s an updraft. An updog is the modern version of a henway.

Glenn:What’s a henway?

Gigi: Oh, about five pounds.

Rand: Would you guys be there for me if I was going through something?

Reagan, with no hesitation at all: Nope, absolutely not.

Brett: Sorry Rand, but I have to side with Reagan for this one.

Gigi: I hope it sucks, whatever you’re going through.

Andre: I hope it emotionally scars you for the rest of your life.

Glenn: I hope you reach out to me so I can ignore you.

Myc: I can’t wait to go to your funeral, knowing I could’ve changed that outcome.

Brett: Reagan kissed me!

Andre, gasping:NO!

Gigi, squealing: Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!

Drakken: It’s unbelievable.

Gigi:Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!

Andre: Okay, okay. We wanna hear everything.

Andre:Glenn, get the wine and unplug the phone. Brett, does this end well or do we need tissues– Gigi, get tissues just incase!

Brett: Oh, it ended VERYwell.

Glenn, running in with wine glasses: Do not start without me! Do not start without me!

Gigi, calming down: Alright, let’s hear about the kiss. Was it like a soft brush against your lips, or was it like, a you know, “I gotta have you now” kinda thing?

Brett: Well, at first it was really intense, you know, and then— oh God– and then we just sorta sunk into it…

Gigi, Andre, and Glenn, squealing:Aww!

[Meanwhile]

Reagan, eating pizza: And uh, and then I kissed him.

Myc, also eating pizza:Tongue?

Reagan:Yeah.

Myc:Cool.

Reagan: We need to get that key from them. How good are you at pickpocketing?

Brett: Does this answer your question?

Brett: [Holds out wallet]

Reagan:…

Reagan: Whose wallet is that?

Brett: It’s mine. But I took it out so smooth I that barely even felt it.