#source john mulaney
Les: People ask me if David gave me a sex talk, and I tell them “Yes … I think”
Hige: *is drunk and hears someone say “something something police”*
Hige: FUCK DA POLICE!
Everyone else: *joins in, yelling “fuck da police”*
Hubb: *walks over and looks over to see everyone drunk*
Hubb:Wow….
Hubb: Get the paddy wagon.
Kiba: *grabs a forty and smashes it on the ground*
Kiba:SCATTER!
Anyone whenever Ostin is right: First off, get out of here with your facts.
Jack: I’ll keep all my emotions right here, and then one day I’ll die.
Michael: Top three colleges? I thought I’d be dead in a trunk with my hand hanging out of the tail light by now.
amy: some people give off a vibe like right away they’re like “don’t fuck with me.” my vibe is more like “hey you could pour hot soup in my lab and i’d probably apologize to you.”
Otis: Some people give off a vibe
of…right away, they’re like, “Do not fuck with me.” My vibe is more like, “Hey, you could pour soup in my lap and I’ll probably apologize to you.”
Adam: Anyone who’s seen my dick and met my parents needs to die, I can’t have them walking around.
Otis: I need everyone, all day long, to like me so much. It’s exhausting. Maeve once said that walking around with me is like walking around with someone who’s running for mayor of nothing!
Otis:I have had a very long day. I am very small. And I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.
Roy Mustang: In a couple days I’m going to turn 29 years old and I’m very excited about that. I was hoping by now that I would look older, but it didn’t happen.
Ling Yao: I thought I was going to be murdered my entire childhood.
Roy Mustang: I’m one of the worst drivers I’ve ever seen, and I just want you all to know that if you’re ever on the highway behind me, I hear you honking and I also don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing.
Kaminari: “You can get very far in life if you pretend to know what you’re doing”
Reagan: Did your dad ever like… beat you?
Brett: No, he never hit me. My dad is a respected billionaire businessman and he was a debate team champion.
Brett:So he would pick me apart psychologically instead.
Pippin and Merry: MCDONALD’S MCDONALD’S MCDONALD’S MCDONALD’S!
Gandalf: We have food at home.
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Pippin and Merry: MCDONALD’S MCDONALD’S MCDONALD’S MCDONALD’S!
Aragorn: *pulls into the drive through*
Aragorn:
Aragorn: One black coffee.
Legolas: Gimili, is that perfume or whiskey?
Gimli: *chugs the entire bottle*
Gimli: It’s perfume.
*Scarlemagne drinking like a monster.*
Gerard: “Don’t you have to do a shift at school tomorrow?”
Scarlemagne: “Ahh, I’ll just get Dave to give them a presentation.”
Gerard: “That’s why Dave is allowed to give presentations!?”
Scarlemagne: “Yeah, I don’t wanna work!”
Gerard: “You know the kids don’t wanna work either.”
Scarlemagne while taking a shot: “Good!”
Jack [to Pulitzer]: YOU WANT MY 60 CENTS?
Jack: *chucks them the other direction*
Jack:go GET IT!
Jack, running off west to Santa Fe:S T R E E T S M A R T S
“Sometimes Dan asks ” Cody, what do you think you’re doing?“ But that just means stop. He doesn’t actually want to know my thought process.”
- Cody
