Gigi:I stand here before you, in sweatpants for the first time ever, to celebrate Reagan Ridley in a place where she spent much of her life, a bar in a house she was not invited to.
Gigi:Reagan was… full of surprises.
Gigi: I never knew if she was going to ruthlessly make fun of me, or totally objectify me in a way that was flattering, and also vaguely problematic.
Gigi:Well - But whether she was lifting me up or calling me out I never felt quite so seen as when she saw me.
Andre:…
Andre:Reagan, I know you don’t like it when people get all emotional about you, so I channeled all of my love for you into this song.
Andre, high on drugs: WOWOWOW WAWAWAWA DUNDUNDUDUN DUGADUNDUNDUN!
Reagan:Brett, when my father betrayed me, used me, and ruined my life, I was confused and disoriented, but you were always kind to me.
Reagan:And according to the central theme of 231,600 songs, movies, poems, and novels that I researched for these vows ever since we started dating, which was just a day ago, that’s what love’s all about.
Reagan: Does anybody here object to this marriage?
Myc:Of course we do!
Gigi: How could we not object?
Myc: Yes, it is a terrible idea!
Reagan:Overruled.
Reagan:Brett?
Brett:Mhmm?
Reagan: Do you want me to be your wife?
Brett:Yeah.
Reagan:And I want you to be my husband.
Reagan: So, by the power vested in me, by me, I now pronounce us husband and wife.
Reagan: Well, in the first 24 hours, he caused the world to erupt into chaos, and then my father made my life’s work evil. It was kind of a rough start.
Reagan: But things calmed down after Brett started helping me learn about being nice and all.
Gigi:Okay, tell me about that.
Reagan: …
Reagan: Well, as you know, I worked with Brett every day, and then Brett got sick of me, so I did some nice stuff to make him feel better. And later, I confessed because Brett was being tortured by guilt, and I just felt awful seeing his little, sweet face all contorted.
Reagan, as Brett: “Oh, Reagan, I want to throw up because of what you did.”
Reagan, laughs: He is such a dork.
Robo Reagan: You know, a lot of people I met feel regret about things they never said… admissions of guilt or anger… or love.
Reagan:…
Reagan: Are you making a move on me?
Reagan: It’s fine… I just didn’t see it coming. Uh, well, hooking up with someone with the exact same name.. And the exact same almost everything, it is kind of a fun, narcissistic fantasy…
Reagan: No, no, Reagan, I… I’m talking… I could be into it.
Robo Reagan: Mm, no, I’m talking about you and Brett.
Gigi:Now, ordinarily, you having feelings for a colleague would be a conflict of interest…
Reagan: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You think I’m into Brett?
Myc: Yes, Reagan, we do. Because you are.
[A few minutes later]
Reagan: No, no, no, you’re wrong. There are way more things I hate about Brett than like about him.
Gigi: Like what?
Reagan: His stupid Joker smile, his extensive suit collection, oh, and he loves 80s so much. He once talked about Dane Cook for two hours…
Reagan: I timed it. And he only stopped because he saw me timing him.
Reagan:Granted, he laughed, and kind of made fun of himself, it was a nice moment, but still.
Reagan:…
Reagan:He always twitches his eyebrows when he says “absolutism,” and he tilts his head whenever I say anything ignorant, but he never makes fun of me, which is nice.
Reagan:He’s also incredibly patient, and kind, and surprisingly jacked, and-
Andre:Glenn, get the wine and unplug the phone. Brett, does this end well or do we need tissues– Gigi, get tissues just incase!
Brett: Oh, it ended VERYwell.
Glenn, running in with wine glasses: Do not start without me! Do not start without me!
Gigi, calming down: Alright, let’s hear about the kiss. Was it like a soft brush against your lips, or was it like, a you know, “I gotta have you now” kinda thing?
Brett: Well, at first it was really intense, you know, and then— oh God– and then we just sorta sunk into it…
Gigi, Andre, and Glenn, squealing:Aww!
[Meanwhile]
Reagan, eating pizza: And uh, and then I kissed him.
