supersizebbws:

Don’t do things half-assed. If you’re going to do it; do it all the way. Everything you have nothing held back!

all or nothing.

feeling fire, or complete self loath.

totally falling, or in no way interested next.

bottling up shit, or spilling it all.

would kill for you, or so done fuck off.

all or nothing. cognitive distortion. no middle ground. it get’s messy avoiding all the grey around.

I learnt overtime that I realize my own predictions. Repeat the same process and hope that things will miraculously turn right. I live with this consciousness of stupidity, taught myself to be void of emotions so I will never get hurt. In return it’s a sense of emptiness that consumes every other aspect of self.

This talk of all or nothing, no return is for if I do come back with less of myself, I can think about not losing the whole. I do not deserve to think that I have problems and issues because they are relative terms. How do you fight both sides of a war and still lose? (A reader brought up this statement awhile ago. I am afraid I don’t have an answer, or maybe I am too coward to commit to one)

I am not sure when I started preferring cowardice over failure, emptiness over turbulence, pity over aggression. I don’t plan on fixing them and I don’t want to be fixed. This stubbornness chases my consciousness around. By now I’ve written myself into contradiction so I will just leave it at this.

5/31/22 - Writing Update

• The next chapter of All or Nothing (KakaSaku) is currently with my beta
• I finished the rough draft of Disaster (KakaSaku, a prequel to the events of I’ll be the Moon and All or Nothing)
• I’m currently writing the next chapter of Healing Hands (which needed an expansive update from the original. So far I’ve added three new scenes to this chapter and several thousand words)

New Chapter of All or Nothing is available below the cut or on A03andFF with better formatting! Feel free to ask questions about specific sections or statements or anything you’re curious about, I’d love to interact with you guys over this story! If you like what I’m doing, support me on Ko-fi! Also, don’t forget to follow this blog for the quickest updates on stories (on tumblr at least). Enjoy!

The sound of an overly exuberant voice woke Sasuke the following morning. He frowned at the soft colors on his face as sunlight played through the thin curtains covering the window of Naruto’s office. The couch was more comfortable than the ground that Sasuke usually slept on, but he was a touch too tall to stretch out completely. He remained still for several long minutes, listening to the voice that could only belong to Naruto’s son. Sasuke thought the boy was about the age of Sarada, but he didn’t know much about him beyond that.

Sasuke sighed and pushed himself into a seated position. The previous night hadn’t gone the way that he’d expected. Maybe it would have been better to stay behind and talk to Sakura about everything, but she’d been angry and drunk. The woman hadn’t been ready to see reason, and Sasuke didn’t have the energy to cover the same ground again. They fought often enough about his time outside the village that it sounded rehearsed.

Guilt nagged at the back of Sasuke’s mind when he realized that he’d missed Sarada’s birthday. He’d known it was coming up, but he couldn’t remember the exact date at any given time. Sasuke had been out of the village for so long that he hadn’t seen a calendar in weeks. He should have known that their birthdays were soon, but he hadn’t realized how close they were in the chaos of everything that he’d been through.

The sound of laughter rang through the house a second time, followed quickly by a feminine shushing sound. Sasuke turned toward the door and wondered if he felt up to the inevitable questions that would follow last night’s fight. Naruto had stumbled outside in a daze when he heard Sasuke tapping at the bedroom window. Sasuke had considered letting himself into the office, but decided against surprising his old teammate that way. He’d had enough surprises for one night.

Sasuke shook out the dark cloak that he’d used as a blanket so many times on his adventures. He’d pulled it over himself the night before instead of bothering Naruto to find him a blanket and pillow. He’d just finished buckling the fabric around his neck when the soft creak of the door sliding open and the pad of feet gave away that someone had entered the room.

“You’re getting out of practice,” Sasuke chuckled, not bothering to turn around as he stared out the single window behind the desk. “I heard you coming a mile away.”

Naruto’s laugh was soft, not abrasive and loud as it had been when he was younger. “How did you sleep?”

Sasuke rolled his shoulders to test the tension. “Better than some nights, not as good as others.”

Naruto dipped his head as Sasuke turned around. It took him a minute to reconcile the boy from his memory with the man standing in front of him. No matter how many times Sasuke saw his former teammate, he had to remind himself that they’d both grown up. Most of the time, he still saw the wild haired, orange-jacketed kid from his genin team. It contrasted sharply with the man scheduled to become the next hokage.

“So,” Naruto exhaled in a quiet whistle as he crossed the room to lean against the wall. “What happened?”

Sasuke rubbed a hand over his eyes, trying to erase the exhaustion that sleep couldn’t fix. “I screwed up again, you know that.”

“Over Sarada’s party?” Naruto slid a hand into the pocket of his pants, affecting a nonchalance that Sasuke saw right through. His friend was disappointed in him as well.

For a moment, the entire conversation struck Sasuke as comical. The idea that Naruto would be the person to give him relationship advice with Sakura was absurd, on so many levels. At least, it would have been ten years ago. Now, it almost made sense. Sasuke wasn’t sure whether to feel amused or depressed. “That’s part of it, I guess. It’s just another time that I’ve disappointed her by being out of the village.”

Naruto didn’t respond at first, staring at Sasuke with a mixture of pity and frustration that almost echoed Sakura’s gaze the night before. Sasuke growled in frustration. “Go ahead, let me have it. Tell me that I’m a terrible husband.”

The silence stretched for a moment longer, then Naruto shook his head. “I don’t think you’re a terrible husband, but your priorities are out of order.”

Sasuke couldn’t stop the scoff that rose in his throat. “That’s rich, coming from you, Mister ‘I’m going to be the hokage one day’. That’s all you talked or thought about for years.”

“I’ve learned to balance the two,” Naruto began. Then, half of his mouth turned up in a grin that made him look fifteen years younger. “Most of the time, anyway.”

Sinking back onto the couch, Sasuke nodded. Somehow, Naruto managed his family with an ease that Sasuke had never been able to find. No matter how many times he told himself that he should be home, he always found another mission that needed his attention. There were so many dangers lurking outside the village. Sasuke could stop them when other shinobi couldn’t. At least, that was how he felt. Being gone was the best way to protect the people that he cared about.

“I have been wanting to talk to you about Sakura.” Naruto seemed uncomfortable with the silence between them, smoothing his shirt down over his waist. “I hoped that you’d be back in time for her and Sarada’s birthdays.”

Naruto trailed off and Sasuke felt a second wave of guilt wash through him; he’d forgotten both of them. Sasuke knew the birthdays were coming up, but he hadn’t realized the date. He would need to make it up to them somehow. Sasuke could buy Sakura flowers or chocolates, then get his daughter—well, whatever it was that you bought little girls. “I know,” he answered, unable to find an excuse for his forgetfulness.

Naruto sighed deep in his chest and shook his head. “I wanted to talk to you before their parties. Sakura hasn’t been doing well lately.”

Dread wormed its way down Sasuke’s back, sliding between his shoulder blades like an icicle. He couldn’t bring himself to ask what Naruto meant, but he didn’t have to wait long for the man to continue. “She hasn’t been happy, not like she used to be. I assumed you guys had a fight before you left on this latest mission. For the last month or so, she hasn’t been herself.”

Sasuke frowned, thinking back on the last mission that he’d taken. There had been a lead in the Land of Iron, ruins that might or might not be linked with Kaguya. It had taken longer to find than he expected, and there had been more resistance around the compound. Sakura had asked him not to take the mission; she’d asked him to stay and spend time with Sarada. But, he’d ignored the request, doing what he’d always done.

“Hasn’t been acting like herself?” Sasuke prompted, trying to remember how long he’d been out of the village this time. It felt like longer than a month, but probably no more than two. Sakura must have been okay for a couple of weeks, then realized he wouldn’t be back soon. He couldn’t help but wonder if things would have been better if he’d stayed behind. Would it have avoided another fight? Or, was that only putting off the inevitable?

Naruto lifted his shoulders in a helpless shrug. “Normally, Sakura is sad that you’re gone, but she stays busy with work and Sarada. This time was different; she didn’t bounce back.”

Exhaling, Sasuke dropped his head into his hands. This guilt was just another failure to add his impressive list of screw ups. He didn’t want the details, not really, but some part of him couldn’t stop from asking. “How bad was it?”

“It’s like she lost the spark that made her Sakura. She was a different person,” Naruto concluded with a huff that meant he had no better way to describe it. “I don’t know, she just changed. She looked almost happy again at the party though.”

“Because she was distracted.” Sasuke rubbed his forehead and sighed, remembering the image from last night. He didn’t want to ask Naruto about that, but he couldn’t seem to hold the words back. “She was drunk when I got home. Very much so.”

The widening of Naruto’s guiltless blue eyes released a wave of tension in Sasuke’s chest. He was surprised by Sakura’s behavior, which meant that it wasn’t a regular occurrence. “She was fine at the party. A few of us stayed behind to help her clean up, then she was going to get Sarada in bed and sleep.”

Something painful tightened behind Sasuke’s sternum, a memory that he’d suppressed years earlier. He remembered the birthdays that went by after his family was gone, the quiet emptiness of his one bedroom apartment and the longing for a happier time. Did Sakura look back on the days that they’d spent together? Had he ever been present at a birthday party to give her fond memories?

“She seemed happy when Hinata and I left. Kakashi stayed to help her finish cleaning up so we could get Boruto to bed. He would know if anything happened.” Naruto pushed away from his desk with a shrug. “But, the important question is what you’re going to do now.”

“I suppose it’s too late for flowers to fix this,” Sasuke joked, running a hand through his hair.

Naruto clapped his friend on the back. “If I’ve learned anything, it’s never too late for flowers.”

—————————————————————————————–

Nearly two hours later, Sasuke found himself standing outside the door to his house for the second time in two days. He’d taken a quick shower at Naruto’s place, then stopped by a florist to pick up a spray of white, pink, and blue flowers. The woman behind the counter prattled on about the meaning of hydrangeas, which Sasuke was fairly certain made up this bouquet, and a variety of other species. He told her to select whatever she thought would be best, but now he felt foolish, standing here like he was waiting for a date.

Sasuke blew out a breath and raised a hand to knock on the heavy door. He could have unlocked it with his key as he’d done the previous night. He could have shunshinned directly inside, but he knew that Sakura was upset. If she’d wanted him to come home, the woman would have come to him the previous night. She had to know that he’d gone to Naruto’s after leaving. But, she hadn’t made an effort.

Knocking felt awkward, but Sasuke did it anyway. He almost laughed at how apt the metaphor was for his married life. He didn’t know how to act with a wife and a child. His father hadn’t been exceptionally loving or gentle with his mother, and most of his memories were of other things. Fugaku had been driven and focused, much like his son though Sasuke wasn’t sure how deep the comparison went.

“Coming!” Sakura called from deeper in the house, shattering Sasuke’s thoughts. His stomach tightened in anticipation that tasted almost like fear as the door pulled open. Sakura’s eyes widened. “Sasuke.”

Unsure what to say, Sasuke offered the flowers. “These are for you.”

“I, um, thanks,” Sakura responded, reaching out to take the flowers with a surprising twist of her lips. Sasuke wondered if she read something in their meaning that he hadn’t quite intended. She pushed the door wider. “You don’t have to knock, you know. This is your house, too.”

Sasuke dipped his head, nervousness twisting through him. “I wasn’t sure if you wanted me here.”

Once upon a time, Sakura would have pulled Sasuke closer and kissed the question from his mind. He recalled those earlier days of their relationship, when she’d been completely enamoured with him. Things had been much easier then. But, the weight of the village had dragged on Sasuke’s shoulders too much for him to stay put. He could feel the stares any time he went out, the accusations of loved ones lost through his actions. It seemed that nobody cared how many lives he’d saved; there was no way to erase the black stain on his name.

Sakura stepped back and Sasuke followed her, closing the door behind him. Walking deeper into the house, Sakura called over one shoulder. “Sarada isn’t here. She went over to mom’s for the day.”

Relief and guilt filled Sasuke at the words. He’d been gone for almost two months; he should have wanted to see his daughter. He supposed that he did, but he and Sakura needed to talk. “Okay,” he responded, removing his shoes and dropping his bag in the entry.

Without waiting for Sasuke, Sakura walked toward the kitchen. Water ran from the tap, splashing into the sink below before the sound changed. By the time Sasuke joined her, the flowers were nestled comfortably into a vase and Sakura was wiping the splashed water from the counter. He exhaled, watching the woman with an overwhelming sense of sadness. “Can we talk?”

Sakura froze for three seconds, forgetting to swipe the water away. “About what?”

“About this, us,” Sasuke explained, trying to convince himself that he wanted to have this conversation. He couldn’t; it felt like torture. “How long are we going to keep doing this?”

Sakura’s shoulders tensed as she folded the rag and tossed it over the divider in the sink. “Doing what?”

“Pretending.” Sasuke didn’t move from his spot by the counter, but he saw a tremble pass through Sakura’s body. He couldn’t bring himself to stop, however. “Holding on to something that hasn’t been there for a long time.”

As much as the words hurt, Sasuke felt bitter relief when they left his lips. The discussion with Naruto had been enough to spark the realization that this conversation had been a long time in coming. Sasuke had taken for granted that it wasn’t necessary because Sakura hadn’t brought it up. She had always been one to speak her mind without fear or consequence. Sasuke expected that Sakura would be the first person to tell him that she was unhappy, not Naruto.

“You don’t owe me anything,” Sasuke continued, fighting through the lump in his throat. “This isn’t the life you pictured. You deserve more.”

A soft sound rose from Sakura as she reached for the rag a second time, attacking a sticky place on the counter. She didn’t answer, however. Sasuke walked around the island and rested a hand on his wife’s shoulder. Sakura didn’t lean into the touch. She’d done that so often in the past that Sasuke took for granted that she always would. Now, it felt like a slap in the face.

When Sakura turned, tears spilled down her cheeks. “I’m sorry.”

Something deep inside Sasuke’s chest twisted at the words, but he ignored it. He wasn’t ready to grapple with emotions, not yet. “It’s not your fault. But, it isn’t mine either; I can’t be the person you want me to be. I can’t stay here and play house while the world outside of Konoha burns. It’s only a matter of time before it spills over to the village.”

“Can’t, or won’t.” Steel slid into Sakura’s words as her gaze flashed up to Sasuke’s. “You can’t stay in the village? Or you choose not to?”

Sasuke sighed at the familiar words. Why couldn’t he make Sakura see his side of things? “That’s not fair.”

Another shudder of emotion worked through Sakura’s body. Sasuke assumed that the woman was going to explode the same way that she had when he’d brought up fairness the night before. Except, Sakura only laughed, bright and bitter as a winter morning. “Life isn’t fair.”

For a long, miserable minute, Sasuke stared at Sakura in surprise. Gone were the arguments about why they should be together and the begging. The change hurt more than Sasuke expected. Sakura came to terms with their marriage ending in a single breath, as easily as if she were waking up from a dream. After everything they’d been through, Sasuke couldn’t convince himself to feel the same. An unsettling realization sank his stomach. “How long,” he asked.

Sakura tipped her head to the side, studying Sasuke through blurry eyes. “How long, what?”

“How long have you known this is where our marriage was going?” Sasuke gazed at his wife, searching for emotion in her eyes. He expected shame or pity, but found only consideration.

The woman shrugged and laid the cloth back in the sink. “Does it matter? The signs have been staring us in the face for a while.”

Sasuke raised a hand to reach for Sakura, then let it fall back to his side. “It matters to me.”

Turning away from the kitchen, Sakura moved into the living room like she could escape the discussion. Sasuke followed, determined to end the facade for both of them. “How long have you been doing this because you felt like you had to instead of because you wanted to? When was it over for you?”

Sakura dropped onto the couch and pulled her legs against her chest. She wrapped an arm around her shins in a gesture that made her look younger and more insecure than she really was. At least, Sasuke thought it did. Sakura rested her forehead against her knees and mumbled something too softly for him to hear. Sasuke cleared his throat, asking for more clarification without speaking. “Eight months ago,” Sakura whispered.

The amount of time surprised Sasuke, both that it was so recent, and so long ago. He racked his brain, searching for what had happened to change her mind. There was nothing significant. “What was it? What did I do?”

“Do we have to talk about this,” Sakura’s voice took on a pleading tone, but there was a guardedness to her words. “The past isn’t going to change anything.”

Sasuke lowered himself to the opposite side of the couch, feeling stunned by the sudden change his life had taken. “I want to know.”

Sakura chewed on her lower lip the way that she did whenever she was nervous. “I had to go to Kiri to train some of their medics, and I wanted you to come so we could have time alone. You chose a mission instead.”

“I’m sure it was necessary,” Sasuke began, wracking his brain to try and remember what mission that would have been. His days out of the village blurred into a miserable flow of harsh nights and empty days. Only the fights between the calm stuck with him.

Sakura raised her gaze, fire flashing in the emerald depths of her eyes. “It’s always a choice; it’s as simple as saying no.”

“Why was it so important to you,” Sasuke asked, dreading the answer. It hadn’t been around Sakura’s birthday since that had just passed, or Sarada’s. He couldn’t find a significant date during that time period. Eight months ago was indistinguishable from all the other missions that he’d taken. “What did I mess up that time?”

A broken sob tore its way out of Sakura’s throat. “That time, it was my fault.”

Ice flooded Sasuke’s body, temporarily numbing everything except the shock of the implication. “How could it be your fault?”

The woman shook her head, leaving Sasuke to search for meaning in the cryptic words. Sakura had always been the steadfast, consistent one. She’d loved him since they were thirteen. She’d always believed that she could change the course of Sasuke’s life. And, she had, in so many ways. Sakura had altered everything. She’d gone further than anyone else to make Sasuke believe that he could change after the tragedies of his past.

An unfamiliar emotion rippled through Sasuke’s body, sharp and hot enough that he couldn’t fit another breath beside it. His hand tightened into a fist that he forced himself to release. Chakra jumped in response to his fragile hold on his temper. “How was it your fault?”

“Sasuke, please,” Sakura began, reaching toward him like she could protect him in the same manner she had so many times in the past. “Knowing won’t make any difference.”

Sasuke had always rolled his eyes when people talked about out of body experiences. Now, as the room narrowed with painful clarity, he understood. Sasuke watched the tears spill down Sakura’s cheeks as she bit her lip, fighting to hold back sobs. Sasuke sat across from her, mouth falling open as realization dawned. A voice very much like his asked, “what happened eight months ago?”

Sakura’s eyes darted away, looking up at the ceiling. Sasuke watched the woman struggle with her next words, but no amount of preparation could soften them. “It was a mistake—”

“Who was it?” Sasuke’s voice didn’t shake on the question. He stared at Sakura, seeing a stranger for the first time. “Do I know him?”

Unable to take the whirlwind of emotions fighting for control, Sasuke pushed to his feet. He paced four quick strides away from the couch and stared at the wall. Chakra sang in the distance like thunder as lightning sparked along his fingers. Sasuke forced himself to take another breath before turning back to face Sakura. “I asked if I knew him,” he growled over the sound of her tears.

“Why does it matter,” Sakura asked. Pain choked her voice, leaving it strangled.

An image rose from the depths of Sasuke’s rinnegan enforced memory: two glasses sitting on the kitchen counter. Rage bled crimson across his vision until he closed his eyes to contain the ocular jutsu. “Are you still seeing him?”

Sakura’s answer came a heartbeat later than it should have. “No.”

Sasuke took a steadying breath, pushing chakra further beyond his reach. “When was the last time?”

Seeming to reach some kind of resolve, Sakura squared her shoulders and stood up. She blew out a breath as if the confession had lifted the weight from her shoulders. “It’s been a month.”

Unable to contain the morbid curiosity that constricted his chest, Sasuke snorted. “Why did you end it?”

“I didn’t.” Sakura hiccuped through her tears and shook her head. After a second, her splotchy red face contorted with bitter laughter. “He did.”

Sakura was drunk and crying at the kitchen table. There were two glasses. She wasn’t upset over me; it was over someone else. Sasuke stared at the pinkette, dumbfounded. “Why?”

Huffing out a breath, Sakura shot to her feet and stalked past Sasuke. She pulled open the cabinet where she kept the alcohol, and poured a measure of golden brown liquid. Without looking at him, Sakura tipped the glass and drank it like a shot. Sasuke wasn’t sure whether to be impressed or terrified as she thumped the cup back onto the counter. “Apparently it’s wrong to sleep with someone who is married, even if their spouse never comes home.”

As much as Sasuke wanted to respond, he held his tongue. He reached past Sakura for a glass, then filled it from the same bottle that she’d used. Alcohol wasn’t his usual vice, but Sasuke needed something to cushion the shock. The sharp bite of whiskey raced down his throat as he retreated to the opposite side of the counter. Dozens of questions crowded Sasuke’s mind, but only one mattered. “Are you in love with him?”

Sakura didn’t speak as she refilled her cup. She didn’t raise it back to her lips however; she stared down at the drink as if it might offer an answer that she couldn’t find on her own. “I don’t know.”

Scoffing, Sasuke turned his glass in a slow circle as he considered who Sakura might have had an affair with. Whomever it was would have been with her in Kiri, as well as Konoha. If it was a stranger, Sakura would have told him outright. The woman was forthright enough for that. Sakura hesitated because she didn’t want Sasuke to make a scene. He didn’t blame her. The betrayal was too recent for him to be sure what he wanted to do with the information.

As the silence dragged on, Sasuke ran through the possible candidates in his mind. If it was someone that he knew, that excluded a colleague from the hospital. He hadn’t met any of Sakura’s work acquaintances. Naruto was a laughable option after everything that they’d been through. The man was too pure to betray his vows to Hinata. Out of their immediate friends, Sai, Shikamaru, Choji, and Lee were all married; he couldn’t imagine them being the culprit. Ruining one marriage with an affair seemed like enough damage.

The detail about Kiri irritated Sasuke; it didn’t fit the pattern. It was easy enough to believe that someone in Konoha would have fallen for Sakura. She was beautiful and compassionate. To sleep with someone in Kiri, the man would have needed to be there as well. It was possible that someone could have been on a mission in the area, then come to the hospital after an injury, but that stretched plausibility. It was almost certainly someone who was already in Kiri, likely a diplomatic—

Kakashi stayed behind to help. Naruto’s offhand comment resurfaced through the turmoil in Sasuke’s mind. He almost laughed it off. Sure, Kakashi would have been a part of diplomatic missions to Kirigakure, and he and Sakura’s paths crossed frequently with her administration duties at the hospital. But, he was their former sensei and nearly twice her age.

Doubt gnawed at Sasuke’s certainty. Kakashi was present in the village, and arguably attractive. The man couldn’t have been blind to Sakura’s developing beauty over the years. But, was proximity the only thing it took to turn his wife’s head? Were they both swayed so easily? Sasuke massaged his temple, trying to make sense of the impossible.

Kakashi stayed behind. Sasuke had felt the familiar chakra signature when he’d entered the house the night before, but he’d written it off as residual from the party. Two glasses on the counter, almost like Sakura had shared a drink with someone. A nightcap turned into an argument. Sasuke struggled to organize his thoughts, but one thing was clear. Kakashi stayed. Kakashi.

“Tell me I’m wrong,” Sasuke growled; disbelief stole the gentleness he’d meant to use. Blood roared in his ears, pounding alongside his elevated heart rate. “Tell me you aren’t sleeping with Kakashi.”

Sasuke’s chest clenched tight when Sakura didn’t deny it. She gave no indication of surprise except for the fresh tears that sparkled in the corners of her eyes. “I didn’t mean for it to happen,” she whispered, instead. “We’ve wanted to see his face for years. One thing led to another … .”

The words washed over Sasuke like a wave, drowning him. He squeezed his eyes closed to shut off Sakura’s explanation. Kakashi. Sasuke couldn’t let it go. He turned over the idea of his wife with their former sensei together until the sharp edges left him bloody. When Sasuke brought his gaze back to Sakura’s, she’d fallen silent. A second memory returned, and his stomach tightened until he thought he would vomit. “You didn’t answer my question: are you in love with him?”

After wetting her lips with a drink, Sakura walked over to the island and set the glass across from Sasuke. “It’s complicated,” she began, reaching for his hand.

“He is twice your age,” Sasuke interrupted, choking out a bitter laugh as he pulled away. “What could you possibly have in common?”

Rage blotted out Sasuke’s reasoning. “Well? What was it? Did you enjoy the status that came with fucking the Hokage?” Manic laughter slid through his lips as questions piled behind them. “Did you get off on the power balance, letting him fuck you on his desk like a common whore?”

“Stop it,” Sakura pleaded, clenching her hands together. “You can’t expect me to answer that.”

“You’re right.” Sasuke pushed away from the counter hard enough that the stool behind him crashed to the floor. “I’ve heard everything I need to.”

Without bothering to right the furniture, Sasuke stormed toward the front of the house. His hand trembled as he pulled on his sandals. He didn’t try to figure out which emotion fed his movements. Sakura called out from the kitchen; pain and regret dripped off the cry of his name. Sasuke ignored it as he stepped out of the home that she’d built for them.

—————————————————————————————–

“If we move Hitari to Team Fifteen, they’ll be more balanced. His ninjutsu is superior to the others, but he’s less logical than Mani.” Shikamaru stared down at the photographs littering Kakashi’s desk with a frown. “But, he’d create a more viable fight style for Team Two.”

Leaning back in his chair, Kakashi sighed. “I don’t even know these kids. How am I supposed to make them into cohesive teams?”

“You wanted updates on academy students each year,” Shikamaru argued, crossing his arms over his chest. “I’m sure Iruka and Shino-senseis would manage this easier.”

Inclining his head, Kakashi massaged his temples to ease the headache that pounded there. He’d indulged in too much alcohol over the weekend, untempered by sleep and water. Kakashi had considered calling in sick, but he’d forced himself into the office anyway. Staying home was an obvious correlation with the events of the weekend, and he wanted to hide that if he could. Though after his conversations with Shikamaru and Hinata, Kakashi wasn’t sure how well he’d managed it.

“It’s important that I recognize our future shinobi,” Kakashi said. While he knew that the argument made sense, it didn’t make the work any more enjoyable. “Soon, they’ll be the ones leading the village.”

“You’ll pass the mantle to Naruto by then.” Kakashi hummed as Shikamaru shifted the papers to the side, accessing the teams underneath. Most of the kids had already been assigned, but a couple students were giving them trouble. Five of them could have fit on any team.

Spreading the pages across his desk, Kakashi skimmed over each grouping to remind himself of their last round of work. He moved the one on the right away from the others, nodding. Those three would work well: their jutsu complimented each other, and the personalities should create a cohesive unit given a few missions. Kakashi checked the stack of available jonin and placed a photo over the new team.

“Agreed,” Shikamaru observed. Kakashi appreciated that the man didn’t wait for someone to ask what he thought. Shikamaru was comfortable voicing his opinion. Naruto would need that in the future.

The pair finalized a second team, then a third with relatively ease. The fourth was debatable, but passable considering the options. Kakashi thought it would give the kids some time to grow up, while training their jonin to deal with differing opinions. That left nine students and three sensei to be placed. The problem wasn’t any simpler than it had been fifteen minutes earlier, but it looked less chaotic than it had.

“I think Hitari and Mani should be on the same team, but they’ll need a third who won’t be overwhelmed by his bossiness or her showmanship.” Shikamaru stared at the remaining students, shifting the photos around again.

A loud crash echoed from somewhere in the building, followed by raised voices. Kakashi looked up from the future genin teams, quirking an eyebrow at the noise. He glanced over at Shikamaru. “What’s going on out there?”

Shrugging, Shikamaru rounded the corner of the desk. Kakashi almost laughed at the idea of his assistant protecting him, especially in the office, but the gesture was appreciated. Anbu guards lurked in the shadows, so still that Kakashi couldn’t find them without effort. The idea that Kakashi couldn’t save himself was laughable, but he’d grown used to it after years in the office. He had learned the importance of appearances.

Kakashi had crossed half of the distance between his desk and the entry when several things happened in rapid succession. The heavy door blew inward with a deafening clatter, rebounding off the wall. Raido shouted, “he’s in a meeting.”

“You can’t just—” Genma’s voice joined the cacophony, only to be cut off with a sharp hiss.

The words had barely left the men’s mouths before Shikamaru stepped in front of Kakashi, pulling himself up to look more intimidating. “What’s the meaning of this?”

When Sasuke stepped into the office despite the guards on either side of the door, the temperature seemed to drop a dozen degrees. The man’s murderous gaze slid past Shikamaru with the same acknowledgement that he might give a fly, then settled on Kakashi. Fear fluttered in Kakashi’s chest. Sasuke’s killing intent was strong enough that he wanted to reach for a weapon, but he steadied his hands. Tension shuddered through Sasuke’s body, trembling against the self control that he held his emotions with. Kakashi didn’t know whether to be surprised that Sasuke cared so much, or amazed that he hadn’t leveled the building yet.

Sasuke closed the distance between them in three long, flowing strides. Kakashi shifted his weight onto the balls of his feet in preparation for movement as his former student came closer. Unconsciously, he drew back his shoulders and reached for every centimeter of height. Kakashi was surprised to find that Sasuke matched him now, moving with the elegant grace of a man who had finally grown into his body. Sasuke drew a deep lungful of air, the type that might precede a fireball jutsu, then let it out in the steady stream. “Explain,” he demanded.

In the immediate silence that followed, Shikamaru cut his eyes to the side. Kakashi ignored the look. If Shikamaru had suspicions about Sakura and Kakashi’s relationship, Sasuke had just confirmed them. Whether out of foolish loyalty to Kakashi or decorum for the office, Shikamaru slid into Sasuke’s line of vision. “We’re in the middle of an important meeting,” he clarified, voice strong and unyielding as steel. “If you’d like to wait outside, or make an appointment, Hokage-sama will be able to see you soon.”

The bicolored glare slid away from Kakashi to settle on Shikamaru, then Sasuke scoffed under his breath. “This does not concern you.”

“Everything in this office concerns—,” Kakashi stepped forward and placed a hand on Shikamaru’s shoulder. The movement shifted him to the side, presenting a smaller target in case things went badly. His body responded to the subconscious cues of violence without asking his input.

Sasuke’s lips tightened until the blood ran out of them. “Tell me why.”

When Sasuke rephrased the question without actually asking it, Kakashi considered playing dumb. The audience was too large, for one thing. Shikamaru was half a step away, Genma and Raido stood at the open door with expressions of shock painted on their faces, and at least two Anbu were somewhere nearby. Even so, Kakashi couldn’t avoid this conversation. The absolute fury radiating off of Sasuke could have only come from one place: he knew about Sakura.

Kakashi had no idea how to describe the six month affair. There was no simple explanation for what happened between himself and Sakura, and the last thing that he wanted to do was work through it with her husband. Not to mention, he wasn’t sure if a lie or the truth would be kinder. Kakashi hardly knew why he and Sakura had fallen into bed the first time. He remembered the lights, music, and alcohol, then the softness of her borrowed dress beneath his fingers. The following morning, they’d still been too hungover on each other to care about the lines they’d blurred.

Except, the relationship hadn’t ended in Kiri. It should have, Kakashi knew that, but something drew them back together time after time. How could Kakashi ever explain that, especially to Sasuke? He wasn’t able to fully understand it himself. Kakashi’s answer had shifted over the months, moving beyond what he thought must have been lust in the beginning. He could offer Sasuke nothing but the simple truth. “Because I’m in love with her.”

Sasuke scoffed and turned, like he couldn’t stand to hear another word. Not that Kakashi had any to offer. He couldn't—Sasuke’s right hook struck Kakashi’s jaw like lightning, with the full momentum of his body behind it. Colors and sounds blurred around Kakashi, and he didn’t realize that he’d hit the ground until the rough planks cooled his cheek. Darkness raced for Sasuke’s feet. Shikamaru’s curse sounded low and angry, at odds with the pale papers fluttering to the floor like snow. Leaves whipped past Kakashi’s blurred vision on some errant breeze. Feet scuffed the wood, and someone grabbed Kakashi’s flak vest near the shoulder.

Pushing the hand away, Kakashi fought to regain his equilibrium. His ears rang, and his head spun no matter how much he shook it. When the tang of copper flooded his mouth, Kakashi realized that he’d bitten something that would hurt later on impact. Warm liquid soaked into his mask and dripped from his chin. Rising, Kakashi tried to convince himself that the room wasn’t heaving beneath him. He made it halfway into a standing position before sinking back to one knee.

Sasuke trembled above Kakashi, thick black shadows immobilizing him from neck to foot. Shikamaru stood behind the man, face scrunched against the effort of maintaining shadow possession. A kunai gleamed against Sasuke’s neck from an unwavering bird-masked Anbu. Another guard waited to the left, fingers tensed in a hand sign. Closer to the door, Genma crouched with a senbon poised on his lip, and Raido’s dark katana was trained on Sasuke’s back.

“Send for Sak—Shizune,” Shikamaru ordered, changing the name mid-word. His voice shook with the strain of directing the jutsu that wrapped Sasuke.

“I’m fine.” Kakashi staggered to his feet, pushing away the Anbu who tried to support him. He wasn’t sure that he could walk without falling over, but standing up seemed to be within his power. “I don’t need a medic.”

When Sasuke’s eyes met Kakashi’s, his lip curled away from his teeth in a snarl. “Stay away from my family.”

Even with five men ready to subdue him, Sasuke stood with the menace of an animal backed into a corner. Kakashi had no doubt that the man could break free if he wanted to. Self control kept Sasuke from killing him, nothing else. Blood splattered onto Kakashi’s armor as he raised his hand to his mouth. “Release him.”

“Hokage-sama, he made an attempt on your life,” the Anbu captain argued. His kunai remained steady against Sasuke’s throat. Shikamaru nodded, sweat trickling down his cheek.

“I said release him.” The growl of command in Kakashi’s voice worked. Shadows receded, and the Anbu took several steps backward, melting into the darkness again.

Sasuke snorted and locked eyes with Kakashi a second time. “Hokage-sama,” he sneered, turning away. Genma and Raido scrambled to the side as Sasuke stalked from the office without a backward glance.

The next chapter of All or Nothing is up for enablers with early access on Ko-fi! It will be on Tumblr, A03, and FF sometime later this week. I would promise tomorrow, but it’s going to be a hectic day! In the meantime, have a little sneak peek to tide you over! This is one of my favorite chapters thus far!

Sasuke dipped his head, nervousness twisting through him. “I wasn’t sure if you wanted me here.” 

Once upon a time, Sakura would have pulled Sasuke closer and kissed the question from his mind. He recalled those earlier days of their relationship, when she’d been completely enamoured with him. Things had been much easier then. But, the weight of the village had dragged on Sasuke’s shoulders too much for him to stay put. He could feel the stares any time he went out, the accusations of loved ones lost through his actions. It seemed that nobody cared how many lives he’d saved; there was no way to erase the black stain on his name.  

Sakura stepped back and Sasuke followed her, closing the door behind him. Walking deeper into the house, Sakura called over one shoulder. “Sarada isn’t here. She went over to mom’s for the day.” 

Relief and guilt filled Sasuke at the words. He’d been gone for almost two months; he should have wanted to see his daughter. He supposed that he did, but he and Sakura needed to talk. “Okay,” he responded, removing his shoes and dropping his bag in the entry.

Without waiting for Sasuke, Sakura walked toward the kitchen. Water ran from the tap, splashing into the sink below before the sound changed. By the time Sasuke joined her, the flowers were nestled comfortably into a vase and Sakura was wiping the splashed water from the counter. He exhaled, watching the woman with an overwhelming sense of sadness. “Can we talk?” 

Sakura froze for three seconds, forgetting to swipe the water away. “About what?” 

“About this, us,” Sasuke explained, trying to convince himself that he wanted to have this conversation. He couldn’t; it felt like torture. “How long are we going to keep doing this?”

Sakura’s shoulders tensed as she folded the rag and tossed it over the divider in the sink. “Doing what?” 

“Pretending.” Sasuke didn’t move from his spot by the counter, but he saw a tremble pass through Sakura’s body. He couldn’t bring himself to stop, however. “Holding on to something that hasn’t been there for a long time.” 

As much as the words hurt, Sasuke felt bitter relief when they left his lips. The discussion with Naruto had been enough to spark the realization that this conversation had been a long time in coming. Sasuke had taken for granted that it wasn’t necessary because Sakura hadn’t brought it up. She had always been one to speak her mind without fear or consequence. Sasuke expected that Sakura would be the first person to tell him that she was unhappy, not Naruto. 

“You don’t owe me anything,” Sasuke continued, fighting through the lump in his throat. “This isn’t the life you pictured. You deserve more.” 

To all our loyal and lovely followers on FFnet

Draco grabbed Harry’s hand as they watched the woman approach. It’d been years since they’d seen her toady face, but they remembered what she was capable of. 

“Don’t attack. She’s not worth it,” Draco muttered in Harry’s ear. 

“I must not tell lies,” Harry growled, pulling his hand from his husband’s and blocking the woman’s path. “You’re not wanted here.”

She sniffed as she looked up at him. “You’re breaking the rules. You and your kind shouldn’t be here.”

“My kind? What? Creative people? People who enjoy and love others? People who want to share their art with the world? What kind of peopleare you referring to?”

“You know what you are,” she said, her voice prim. “I know what you do. I read all about it, and it’s against the rules. Go away.”

Harry closed his eyes, praying to whoever might be listening that he didn’t completely lose his temper. “What’s the point in making us leave? It doesn’t eliminate who we are and what we share. It just makes us take it somewhere else. It only makes it so people have to go elsewhere to see it.”

“Good. As long as it’s not here,” Umbridge said, her face triumphant. “You will follow my rules or you’ll have to leave.”

“Fine,” Harry said, picking up all the beautiful art he’d shared and packing it away. “I don’t hate rules, you know. I love rules when they make sense. Don’t hurt other people. Be a good person. Love one another. But this? This arbitrary rule that someone made so they can make more money off of other people’s art? This rule that they put in place simply so their advertisers don’t wet their pants? This rule that the people who make this place can’t even be arsed to enforce until some Karen like you goes around and tattles on them? This isn’t a good rule, and it’s bullshit.”

Draco stepped forward and took Harry’s hand again. “Come on. Let’s go.”

“We’re going. But when you’re obsolete because your rules have washed out all the colour from this world, when the entire world looks like you with your little pink sweaters and kitten dishware, then I want you to remember what it used to look like. It used to be vibrant and beautiful.”

Umbridge only stared, her eyes narrowed, her mouth tight.

Harry felt all his fight leave him and picked up his things. “All right, Draco. I’m ready. Where are we going again?”

“It’s called Archive of our Own, darling. And it’s lovely.”

Harry smiled and didn’t look back.

We want to thank everyone who has read our stories on FFnet over the previous year and a half. We’ve grown a decent-sized following, and though we don’t see a ton of reviews, those we see are loyal and consistently lovely. We don’t want to discontinue posting on FFnet, but we’ve had a story removed due to inappropriate content and it’s caused us to reconsider how we want to post our stories. The story reported was far from the most risqué we’ve posted, and the sexual content was minimal and relevant to the story.

Here’s the thing. FFnet has certain limitations. It doesn’t allow us to post the artwork that we create for our stories. Yes, there’s been artwork that you’ve missed because it’s FFNet. It doesn’t allow us to post links to the music playlists we create to accompany our anthologies. And, most of all, it has limitations that do not allow explicit sexual content.

That last one isn’t something that FFnet polices on its own. No, there are groups and users out there that pretty much solely exist on the platform to find stories that violate the Terms of Service (ToS) and report them. FFnet then gives the author no warning and simply removes the story. The user that reported us did warn us that we had seven days to fix the story or they’d report. This story wasn’t harmful. It wasn’t over the top. It didn’t even have any penetrative sex or multiple partners or any of the other stuff several of our other stories have. It was just there, they saw it and decided it was up to them to report.

Our anthologies are labours of love. We work on them for weeks, sometimes months, and as a group of seven, we polish and edit and turn it into a cohesive collection. To remove one, or several, of our stories and leave the others doesn’t feel right. We have decided to remove the entire library of our content from FFnet so we don’t have to worry about Terms of Service, trolls (ugh, they’re everywhere on FFnet), and random people reporting our works.

We encourage you to follow us on Archive of Our Own where we will continue posting several times a year. You can also find each of the individual authors there and follow your favourites directly, especially as AO3 doesn’t require us to create a separate joint account to create these anthologies! You can read/comment there as a guest, and if you need an invitation to an account there, please don’t hesitate to ask (you can DM us here).

Thank you for all your support. We’ll leave our stories up on FFnet for 7 more days, but they will be officially removed from FFnet on 1 September, 2021. We hope to see you on the other side.

sentinel5imon777:

Bring Back, Make It, Save These T.V. Series(In No Specific Order)Part 7

• Terra Nova(2011)
• Rubicon(2010)
• Stargate Universe(2009)
• Firefly(2002)
• Chappelle’s Show(2003)
• The Twilight Zone(1959)
• Battlestar Galactic(2004)
• Farscape(1999)
• Being Human(2011)
• Alphas(2011)
• Sanctuary(2008)
• Stargate Atlantis(2004)
• Haven(2010)
• Helix(2014)
• Alex Inc.(2018)
• Homecoming(2018)
• Orphan Black(2013)
• All Or Nothing: Liga MX And M.L.S.
• Lifeforce(1985)
• A.L.F.(1986)
• Metal Gear Solid
• Lord Of The Rings
• 24 Prequel W/Priyanka Chopra

25 years ago, an album was released that over 6 million people bought in the U.S. alone. Even more in Canada! It would stand to reason that some of those people *liked* the songs on that album. At least a few.

Most people within earshot of the pop music world heard what happened in 1990. Milli Vanilli won a Grammy for the album Girl You Know It’s True. Then through a series of mishaps and…

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HELP?? /NOTSRS??? ME AND MY FRIEND ARE GOING TO BE LIVING TOGETHER AND THEY SAID THAT WE’RE THAT ONE ALL OR NOTHING IDEA FROM TUMBLR A LONG TIME AGO??

THEY’RE ASEXUAL AND MORE OUTGOING!! AND I’M PANSEXUAL AND HAVE INTENSE SOCIAL ANXIETY!! WE FIT THE DESCRIPTION TO A TEE