#daily blog

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh

Honestly, I have been going back and forth for 10 minutes on how I should start this or what I should write about cuz writing last night really did help clear my mind a bit. I was able to organize things and write them down and such. Was able to realize what i needed to do and who to call. I actually had a plan set for today but that shit didn’t happen.

I stayed in bed till 825, which is late since I have to be at work at 9. Been going in at 910 instead for the past few months. Which is okay as long as I work my hours but not okay at the same time.

I need to do my list tomorrow. I need to go to sleep early and wake up early. I also need to eat. I haven’t been eating, maybe once a day (kinda scares me since this is how my anorexic days began). I NEED to wake up early to eat breakfast. I also need to pack my lunch so I stop buying food and wasting 10-15 bucks for uber eats. I would like to exercise a bit when I get home, before I shower but I cant because I am always getting hit with the “are you ganna shower now? you should shower now. well Im going to shower. can i shower the kids first? can you wait? oh your ganna shower now? i was ganna shower now” type shit. I know I have been complaining about it for a while, a long time. Yet I have not done anything to move out. This year, hopefully, we getting out. Taking my parents with me too cuz i realized, no one in this family really loves mom. 

They way they talk about her and the way they look at her just says everything. Like I know I said a few things about her a while back. I know i didn’t treat her with the respect she deserved. I know I was a bad kid to her and I also know I wished for her death. As time goes on and you keep growing and living, you realize that no matter what she did, said or will do, she is still my mom. Even if she cares more about other people, even if she sends strangers money that we don’t have. She still raised me, gave me food, cared for me when i was sick, ect.

I might not have a great relationship with her but I am trying to get better. So I decided to pay for her credit card bill cuz i know she doesn’t have the money for it because no one wants to hire her. Yeah she is getting old but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t work off her ass for her money. I also started to buy the groceries since my dad is also finding it hard to find a job. So I want to take them with me. Because I know I will never tell them “dont turn on the heater, just wear a jacket. It’s too damn high to pay for the gas” (true words out of one of my bros mouths). I will also never tell them not to cook “so much”. They took care of me and let me waste as much gas/water as i wanted, so now its their turn to do the same. Waste away parents waste away.

So I am looking so hard for an apartment. 3 bedroom apartments are so fucking expensive, so Im just looking for 2 with the smallest area ever, cuz I aint got the money like that. I have also applied for affordable housing, hopefully we will hear something soon.

Apart from that when I think about the future in our own apartment, I can’t help but think. Whats the whole fucking point? With trump as president, we going to war cuz his ass doesn’t know how to stay quiet. When these thoughts enter my mind, I tend to think of other things. Like how we might be the first ones to die since we are right there from the sea.

I try not to think that way but it just happens. I know I live for the moment but damn bruh sometimes, I just can’t help it.

I should end it here. trump is a whole different rant/post I would like to save for another day. Same goes with congress and world leaders. Hopefully those posts get put around/reblogged so they can read it and wake the fuck up.

ANYWAYS.

I will end it here. Till next time ya’ll~

-Mi

Let us run away to a castle hidden by time.

Where loving the night as much as the day is our only crime.

Oh, the stories those ivy covered walls could tell.

Let the binding of our hearts be cast upon the bricks by spell.

{mine}

I wish it was safe to walk home at night. Or even in the dark.

You see so much beauty in the dark. Especially cold winter nights. Where you can see your breath in front on your face. You scan your eyes across the sky above hoping for stars. Sometimes it’s only clouds but that’s okay because the patterns they make are beautiful enough.

I hate the fact it’s unsafe.

ancientoptimism:

Let me choke on the dirt and hope tomorrow will be simpler.

Let me choke on the dirt of today and hope tomorrow’s will be less bitter.

The rain is pitter pattering off my roof. How stupid was I to stop writing about it. To stop telling you about it. It’s so calming.

Let me choke on the dirt and hope tomorrow will be simpler.

Our jumper sleeves tangle and the colours clash. Smiling softly into your hair as your head rests upon my chest.

We whittle on, discussing how life has changed for us both. How our futures will look in comparison to our dreamt up futures as younger teenagers. You’ll ask me how my mother is and I’ll return the question.

I’ll mention how I’ll write about this moment and you’ll mention how you’ll forget. We laugh at the truth, I promise to make you remember next time we see each other.

Knowing each other since you were young, changing but never really. I’ll still make you laugh at stupid things and you’ll tickle me when I’m sarcastic.

That night, walking back with bottles of wine in a carrier bag. We joke about the cashier who flirted with me. We’ll run across empty roads. You ask me to play specific songs in the kitchen that you love but can’t remember the title of.

Does this help you remember?

Will you discuss your favourite book with me over tea?

…And I looked up at the sky and there they were,

a million stars looking down at me,

watching my every footprint in the mud.

I used to hope they would pull me out if my feet sunk deep enough into the dirt

Instead they guided me the right way

so I could trudge out

and have my feet back above the ground.

Wanting simplicity in your life isn’t a bad thing:

I want to bake banana bread and get it wrong over and over again, I want to grow basil in pots on my window sill, I want a small house that’s big enough for me to be comfortable in but not big enough to be lonely in, I want an easy job with coworkers that I am friends with, I want to read mountains of books that pile high up my walls, I want a shelf to display the things I’ve collected, I want short beach holidays and long afternoon walks through local forests, I want homegrown potatoes, I want a cupboard of my favourite DVDs to watch when there’s a storm, I want to have my own soup recipes for when I’m sick, I want to have dinner at friends houses or host dinners at my own, I want movie nights, I want comfy socks, I want big rugs covering wooden flooring and blankets that drape over armchairs

I had a friend in Highschool who had a photo album on their phone of different images of me that looked like cat memes. I think about that a lot, I hope they’re doing well

Annotating poems whilst the golden sunset pours through my windows. I am at peace.

{my image}

The moon seems fuller when viewed through the lenses of teary eyes.

The stars seem brighter when seen against the dark of our black world.

I’m alive.

And isn’t that the most wonderful thing?

How far off the world’s edge would I have to fall before I could scream without anyone hearing?

How deep into the ocean depths would I have to swim? How far into the forests would I have to run? Just to get some peace and quiet. Just to be loud without anyone hearing.

All I want is a house with big windows. To bathe in my dreams in the lazy afternoon sunlight. Oh the stories I could write and the plans I could make sat by those breezy bay windows. Leaving bread to cool by them and rushing to open them after a storm to breathe in the air. Cats dozing by them in the sun and wrapping ourselves up in blankets during the winter. Books piled high and plants in mismatched pots.

Oh, all I’m asking for is a house with big windows.

Oh those spring afternoons filled with bird song and laughter, drunk on the afternoon sun and clear breezes.

Would anybody be interested in book reviews or book recommendations after I finish reading them?

I’ve gotten back into reading an awful lot now and thought I could start a book club or book reviews tag on my blog for people to find easily. Plus I’ve just been given a week off work so I have a lot of reading time on my hands!

Let me know if that’s something you guys would be interested in seeing here!!

Hope the start of your week has been wonderful!

- Finn <3

Annotating poetry over breakfast, life is sweet

Another productive day! (04/03/21)

Due to Covid my exams have been cancelled for my A-levels. So things are being switched around and I’m now going to complete psychology coursework instead! I’m actually quite excited for it because it means I can apply my learning to any area I find particularly interesting!

But on today’s agenda:

• Psychology lesson- Research methods & Memory revision
• Geography lesson- Hazards
• Photography work- planning a couple of shoots
• Drink far too much tea (per usual)

I hope you have a productive day!!

It’s been a while…

Honestly, lockdown 3.0 did a very good job at destroying my motivation to do anything college related. The work was piling up and I just let it. But that’s okay! Because it’s happening to everybody; all we can do is try.

So, I employed the help of a bullet journal. It’s pretty basic, nothing too fancy. I would’ve struggled keeping up with it if it was a lot of effort so I kept the layout simple. What a time to start one, the last week of February.

I am aware that I’ve said this before however!! I’m going to start using this blog again, hopefully it will keep me on track :)

It’s good to be back- Finn