regret | deacon x sole survivor

“i don’t feel the same way, charmer.” his voice was barely a whisper.

sole felt a lump grow in their throat as they tried to fight back the tears that threatened to escape. they tried to let out a simple, “okay, i understand,” but only silence filled the air.

deacon knows. he catches the tears building up in their eyes and knows their voice is silently attempting to scratch its way out.

he desperately wants to stop their pain, wipe their tears and remind them that he thinks no differently of their relationship, but something in his heart tugs as sole fights back to hide their vulnerability from him. “i’m sorry.” is all he truly lets out because in reality, his words are just as lost as soles own.

to sole, his words become a blur. their knees become weak as their vision becomes clouded with tears they refuse to let out.

‘i’ll give them time,’ he thinks but his feet struggle to find movement as he continues to stare down at sole, speechless for the first time in a long while.

before he could make a move, sole rushes out of the room, not sparing him a second glance. the sound of the door shutting behind him breaks deacon out of his trance, grounding him back to reality.

a tinge of regret pokes at his heart and he silently pushes it away, knowing that this was for the best. he didn’t have feelings for them and it was nothing but the truth.

or so he thought.

-

the next few weeks are almost a blur for him as his partner goes mia from the commonwealth. the first two weeks, he tries to let it be, convincing himself that sole might’ve needed some time to themselves to sort their feelings out, so he lets them. seeing them might be the last thing they need, so he tries to fight the urge to do so.

yet, as time goes by, the worry in his heart rapidly grows when they’re announced as missing by the minutemen. he grows unnaturally quiet upon hearing their words and feels himself grow weak at the possibilities of what could’ve happened to his partner.

searching far and wide did almost nothing for him and only flared his concern. there was little to no clues of their disappearance and the hope that he would find them sooner or later began to slowly deteriorate.

deacon takes in a deep breath, trying to soothe his mind of all the concern and regret. how could he let it get this bad? why couldn’t he at least check up on them day to day instead of running away?

deep down, he knew the truth of it all. it screamed volumes to him and no matter how much he tried to silence it, it grew louder with every passing second. he avoided sole as much as they avoided him because deacon refused to confront the truth between them both. he never provided closure because he never knew how to.

and the more he refused to face the reality of the situation, the longer the days stretched. he found himself pushing everyone away, spending countless nights with tears streaming down his face, hoping someday sole would just turn up on the railroads doorstep. he didn’t care if they forgave him or not— he just wanted to see them safe.

tonight, he found himself with a bottle in his hand, hunching over the counter as he drank the night. he silently thanked lady luck for landing him in an almost empty bar for no one to catch the state he put himself in. unbeknownst to him, a certain mercenary watched his back from the minute he’s entered the bar till the very last drop of his nth bottle.

“you know, i don’t think that’s a very healthy thing to do.” deacon looked over his shoulder, and though his vision continued to spin, he automatically recognized the annoying face that pestered him.

“let a man ‘ave fun, asshole.” he slurred, trying to push out a grin. maccready rolled his eyes and occupied the seat near deacon, folding his arms.

“i’m serious.” mac pulled the bottle away from his hands, tossing it to the bin nearby.

“hey, i was-!” before he could finish, the mercenary cut him off, not wanting to listen to a word that left his mouth. “do you wanna talk about it?”

his words cut through the facade he tried to pull off and deacon immediately fell silent upon his words. “i know we don’t meet eye to eye all that much, but i hate to see you like this.”

as much as he wanted to lie to his face, continue his said facade, he wasn’t physically able to upkeep that image anymore. it was extremely tiring, especially with everything going on. he let out a sigh and allowed his head to fall on his arms that rested on the table. “you wouldn’ understan’.”

theres a pregnant pause, but he eventually responds. “i don’t, but i could try.”

it takes him a few moments to decide whether or not to confide in someone, especially maccready of all people. to his dismay, the words leave his mouth before he could stop himself from letting it out.

“you won’t tell?” it’s a point of no return— he knows — but for some reason, he doesn’t take it back. was the consequences of actions finally getting to him? probably. he didn’t have time to think as maccready let out a small, but shocked, “of course.”

and so he lets it out— not everything — but enough for maccready to get the message. how it all lead up this point and how it contributed to their disappearance.

“i think i made a mistake.” he says, voice barely a whisper. “i made a huge fucking mistake and i don’t know what to do.”

mac looks down at agent with sympathy, detecting the pain trapped in his voice and sighs, “we all do. it’s just the human in us.”

the rest of his words grow obscured as his eyes droop, the alcohol and sleepless nights finally catching up to him. slowly, but surely, the world blacks out.

-

it’s almost dreamlike— the feeling of his hair being brushed softly and the way a familiar voice lulls him awake. he lets out a small groan as his head pounds violently from what he hoped was the night before. he thinks it’s all in his head; the soft touches and the soft voice that continued to fall upon his ears. it’s so painfully familiar, yet it couldn’t be but he felt his heart jump at the possibility of it.

“sole?” his eyes shoot open but close back in an instant as the gentle light illuminating from the window cracks filled his vision. his head dips on what seems to be their lap, trying to block it out desperately. he felt the same hand that brushed his locks rest on top of his eyes to protect it from the sunlight that only made his head throb more.

“morning sleepyhead.” upon hearing that sweet sound, tears began to form in his eyes once more. the one person he’s yearned to see for what seemed like centuries was finally within arms reach. just like that, his tears fell effortlessly, collecting in soles hand as it streamed down his cheeks.

“deacon?” before they could remove their hand to reveal the tears spilling from his eyes, he quickly places his hand on top of theirs as a silent request to keep his eyes hidden.

“i’m sorry.” he chokes out, voice cracking through each word that left his lips, “i’m fucking sorry. i-“ he gently squeezed the same hand that rested on top of theirs. sole remained silent, watching as he spoke through ragged breaths. he tried his best to muster out his apologies, thoughts — feelings — through the pounding of his mind.

“everything i said, it was a lie. it was all a fucking lie just to avoid having some kind of attachment in my life. i hurt you because i was scared of facing my fears.”

“lie? scared? deacon, what-,” their words drifted into nothingness as deacon continued on.

“no matter how much i tried to run away from it, i knew i couldn’t. i had feelings for you. feelings more than this partnership that we both agreed to do, more than the best friends we claimed to be.” at this point, his feelings poured through the cracks of his heart and he knew that he would fix it this time, even if sole no longer felt the same way. “i fell for you hard. i was in love with you and i still am, sole.”

after a deep breath, he continued on. “you don’t have to forgive me. you don’t even have to give me the chance to love you properly, i just want you to know i’m sorry. i’m sorry it had to take you to leave from my life for me realize how much this meant to me. how much you meant to me.”

for a moment, it’s still; the air seems tense at first and time seems to freeze. there’s this sense of fear that overtakes his mind for a mere second.

soon enough, time seems to continue on as sole places a soft kiss on his forehead, allowing it to linger for a few seconds. “we’ll talk about this more when you wake up, okay?” they whisper and as reassuring as it sounds, he’s still terrified. terrified that he’ll wake up alone.

“will you be here when i wake up?” he tries to let it out calmly, but there is a hint of panic and unsureness in his voice he couldn’t push away any longer. all of that seems to melt away as sole lets out a small chuckle, his heart swelling with a mix of pain and relief.

“yes.” they reassure, “i’ll be here for as long as you need me.”

he let out a relieved sigh, keeping his hand on top of the one that covered his eyes. for the first time in weeks, everything finally felt right.

“love you, charmer.” before he could hear their reply, he felt himself being pulled into slumber that quietly called his name.

prompt requests: open!

hi guys; i just posted a prompt list for those who’d like to request ! please feel free to send in an ask and i will write a one shot based off said request. there are no limitations to how much you send! i hope to spark back my writing as i’m returning to the fandom.

[ ex: “deacon + hugs #2” ]

please read the rules before requesting and understand i will not do every request.

prompt list can be found on my blog as it is one of my most recent posts, or you can click the link here > (x)

creativepromptsforwriting:

Prompts for writing human connection, intimacy, belonging.

Hand-holding

The purest form of human connection.

1. tiny hands in big hands
2. calloused hands in soft hands
3. cold hands in warm hands
4. hands with the perfect ratio to each other for hand-holding
5. platonic hand-holding
6. running their thumb over the other’s hand
7. dancing with their hands holding onto each other
8. squeezing hand for comfort and encouragement
9. holding hands across the table
10. happily doing everything with just one hand, if it means they don’t have to let go
11. not wanting to lose each other in a big crowd
12. possessive hand-holding
13. linking hands together during sex
14. grabbing hand to show them something
15. loosely holding onto each other’s hands, laying in one’s lap
16. only linking the pinkies together, not ready to let go completely
17. holding hands while skating
18. excitedly grabbing each other’s hands during a concert, jumping up and down together
19. playing with each other’s fingers
20. pressing the other’s hand against their cheek
21. holding hands while one is balancing on a small wall
22. grabbing the other’s hand to pull them back from something
23. holding hands under the table
24. only realizing it when they have to let go
25. standing in front of each other, holding both their hands
26. holding their hands above their head, fingers linked together
27. passionate hand-holding
28. grabbing the other’s hand so they don’t fall
29. holding hands while running through the rain
30. brushing against each other, linking fingers together for a second
31. grabbing their hand to grab their attention
32. not really paying attention, both doing something else, but still holding hands
33. bandaging the other’s hand and not quite letting go
34. holding hands while driving
35. grabbing the other’s hand to pull them back to them
36. unconsciously searching out each other’s hand while sleeping
37. not realizing they’re holding hands till someone points it out
38. swinging hands back and forth, skipping like children
39. holding hands in a museum to pull them to the next exhibition
40. letting go when there is an obstacle in their way and immediately grabbing each other’s hand again when they pass it
41. loosely holding onto each other’s hand
42. dragging the other with them, holding their hand
43. raising the other’s hand to their lips to kiss it softly
44. holding hands while jumping down from somewhere together
45. comparing hand sizes, then linking fingers together

Hugs

A warm embrace.

1. friendly hugs
2. hug around the waist
3. hugging while twirling around
4. comforting hugs
5. side hugs
6. hugging and gently holding the other’s head
7. pulling someone into a hug
8. hugging while walking
9. eye-to-eye hugs
10. hiding their face in the other’s neck
11. clinging to each other
12. hugging while lying down together
13. group hugs
14. hugging with head on shoulder
15. tender embrace
16. ‘not wanting to let go’ hugs
17. hugging from behind
18. bear hugs
19. hugging with hands in each other’s pockets
20. cuddling
21. hugs and kisses
22. hugging and jumping up and down together
23. familiar hugs
24. hugging with height-difference
25. gentle hugs
26. hugging with patting on back
27. piggy back hugs
28. quick hugs
29. hugging while slow dancing
30. one-sided hugs
31. hugging while straddling the partner
32. long-lasting hugs
33. ‘picking them up’ hugs
34. hugging while grabbing butt
35. cuddle pile

Kisses

Showing affections.

1. goodnight kisses
2. hand kisses
3. smiling while kissing
4. lips barely touching
5. morning kisses
6. slow kisses
7. passionate kisses
8. kisses on the cheek
9. first kisses
10. goodbye kisses
11. welcome home kisses
12. kisses on the corner of their mouth
13. frustrated kisses
14. kissing each other breathless
15. soothing kisses
16. nose kisses
17. kisses as a promise
18. short pecks
19. forehead kisses
20. kisses on head
21. “we’ll face this together” kisses
22. kisses in the rain
23. life-or-death kisses
24. kisses for a cover
25. hard kisses
26. giggling while kissing
27. desperate kisses
28. neck kisses
29. hushed conversation in-between kisses
30. eyelid kisses
31. gentle stroking of cheeks
32. small kisses
33. kissing it better
34. jaw kisses
35. wake-up kisses
36. kissing away tears
37. public kisses
38. relieved kisses
39. kisses for comfort
40. tummy kisses
41. kisses to shut them up
42. slowly kissing down the body
43. “we’ll see each other again” kisses
44. kissing each finger
45. sleepy kisses
46. angry kisses
47. feather-light kisses
48. kisses with trembling lips
49. secret kisses
50. kisses with their last dying breath

Touching

Feeling another human’s touch.

1. touching foreheads
2. running fingers through hair
3. hiding face in neck
4. caressing the other’s hand
5. feeling their pulse
6. patting the other’s head
7. holding hands
8. shielding the other one with their body
9. listening to the other’s heartbeat
10. spooning at night
11. laying their hand on the other’s neck
12. pushing a strand of hair behind their ear
13. nudging the other one
14. putting an arm around the other’s waist
15. hugging each other
16. massaging them
17. holding the other’s chin up
18. squishing the other’s cheek
19. high fiving
20. bandaging/stitching up an injury
21. kissing the other’s brow
22. falling asleep on the other’s shoulder
23. carrying the other one in their arms
24. whispering in their ear, lips touching the skin
25. stroking the other’s arm soothingly
26. kissing the top of their head
27. pulling the other one towards them
28. feeling for each other in the dark
29. tickling the other one
30. grabbing onto their arm
31. doing a pinky swear
32. caressing the other’s back
33. tasting their smile
34. washing the other’s body
35. kissing their bruises and scars
36. lifting the other one up
37. putting their head on the other’s chest
38. stroking their leg
39. leaning into the other’s side
40. patting them on the back
41. sitting close and knees touching
42. braiding the other’s hair
43. giving them a piggy-back ride
44. sitting on the other’s lap
45. feeling their temperature
46. linking arms with each other
47. touching their elbow to get their attention
48. dancing with each other
49. holding onto the other’s shoulders for support
50. putting a hand over the other’s mouth to shut them up

Hand-holding|Hugs|Kisses|Touching

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prompt week! send any fallout 4 character from my list + a prompt ! requests are open!

the temptation to write more deacon fanfiction is strong right now. i’ve been super in love with him since i got back into the fandom.

deacon(fallout 4) stimboard with knives, smoke, fire, + lantern themes for anon

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