#fuckdietculture

Bloated AF today. I hate summer - the heat, the humidity, the sunshine. Summer gives me seasonal depression. Holidays always bring out the worst in my ED brain and I lose it. I can’t accept that my weight is up a pound from Friday, even though I know it’s due to my body still regulating since surgery. I cannot logically accept the number on the scale at the moment. I still nourished my body with what it needs - my everyday “diet” (I hate that word) since surgery, but I can’t be around “unsafe” food in fear of binging (yes, even healthy food). I do not restrict, thankfully. I’m still able to get my 100g of protein a day, eat my dark chocolate M&M’s and enjoy the amount of complex carbs I’m allowed (literally, doctor’s orders) without guilt. I’m tired of hearing “You need to gain weight” - I would never make a comment about someone’s body/weight to them. You don’t know what someone struggles with, that comment triggers my ED brain - triggers me to want to lose more weight. Before surgery I ate way more calories (yes I track. ED behavior? Maybe or maybe because I’m concerned about my macros & making sure I get enough protein/fat/not too many carbs especially simple carbs for healing), I also worked out for 2.5 hours a day. I would do anything at the moment to just work out for 30-60 minutes without pain at the moment. I miss moving. I miss feeling “normal”. I’m in a better place mentally (panic disorder, agoraphobia, PTSD, BPD, EDNOS) overall since my Mastectomy/Cancer diagnosis, I challenge myself more everyday but today is a bad day and I can be open about it. I’ll make sure tomorrow is better - I didn’t go through all of this to end up with the slow suicide of an ED that’s already taken more than half of my life away from me. I’m stronger than this & I will win #mastectomy #breastcancer #breastcancersurvivor #ednos #edwarrior #adultswitheds #recovery #prorecovery #edrecovery #realrecovery #mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #ptsd #bpd #foodie #eatingdisorder #agoraphobia #fightlikeagirl #bopo #bodypositive #loveyourself #fuckdietculture #selflove #bodydysmorphia
https://www.instagram.com/p/BnPho1Tlt5u/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=lz5ed0wooq4g