#adultswitheds

Yesterday was a bad day. I have an appointment with my plastic surgeon tomorrow that’s been weighing on me. I feel like I have no control over my body, which caused me to engage in disordered thoughts and behaviors (binging/over exercising). Today, I’m paying for it. Today, I’m practicing self love. I baked my favorite blueberry muffins and drank my favorite caramel vanilla coffee with French vanilla creamer. Today, I’m taking control of my eating disorder. Today, I’m letting myself feel anxious and depressed because it’s okay to feel. What I’m not doing is letting my anxiety, depression, eating disorder, or other emotions control me. I’m still in control of both my body and my mind. I’m strong, my diagnosis, my surgery, my recovery has made me strong and I refuse to fall back to the scared person I was before. I’m not scared, I’m ready for any challenge. Not every day will be good, but there will be good in every day. Yesterday was a lesson. #mastectomy #breastcancer #foobs #fightlikeagirl #mentalhealth #ednos #panicdisorder #anxiety #depression #agoraphobia #edrecovery #edwarrior #foodie #baking #muffin #blueberry #coffee #bopo #bodypositive #selflove #selfcare #stretchmarks #girlswithtattoos #adultswitheds #allblackeverything #loveyourself #positivevibes #positivity
https://www.instagram.com/p/BoIAxCOFORr/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1xubssjlt56o6

Monday. Where did the weekend go? I’m tired (not that I work or have a reason to get up at 6am besides not being able to sleep more than 4.5 hours the past two months which I’m actively seeking though), clearly. Last night I binged and felt bad about it. Those thoughts are always going to be there, but I didn’t exercise purge or restrict today. Today I cleaned and walked for an hour. Now I’m practicing self care by enjoying a cup of pumpkin spice coffee ☕️ Coffee is my favorite, which is funny because before my surgery I couldn’t handle caffeine - now I need at least 3 10oz cups + iced tea a day I’m not sure what to do with myself at the moment, I haven’t had down time in over 2 weeks and it’s…boring. I want to be out, around people, anything. I’m excited to go grocery shopping tonight, as lame as that is. I’m having an off day. I feel nothing, but this is my “usual” - numb. If only my body felt the same way and this cording went away #breastcancer #breastcancersurvivor #foobs #fuckcancer #fightlikeagirl #mentalhealth #ednos #anxiety #depression #agoraphobia #recovery #pumpkinspice #coffee #edwarrior #edrecovery #adultswitheds #bopo #bodypositive #selflove #selfcare #positivevibes
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bn1pR6plWys/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1xk4760w65ygq

8 weeks post Mastectomy with DTI today Saw my wonderful breast surgeon whom I love and am so happy I was referred to, she makes me feel so comfortable with her hugs (which I usually do not appreciate from people). The nurse asked me if my hair was real, she was shocked when I said yes and she explained she always thought I had extensions. This made me feel good as I thought my hair has been falling out more lately Bad scar tissue along my scar line - very painful, but NO infection!My liver will have to suffer with more Tylenol until further notice. Cording still very bad, skin on my left foob is swollen from the scar tissue. No limitations and move my arms as much as possible Time to get strong again My surgeon is very pleased with my walking every day I see my plastic surgeon on the 24th which I can’t wait for as I need cleavage (my foobs are very hard and separated) and he’s a perfectionist so I know he’ll come up with the best plan Very bad anxiety today (obviously pre hormonal - awesome) but I STILL beat that anxiety and drove myself to my own appointment On the way home I was CRAVING another Cookies & Cream Quest bar so I listened to my body, stopped at CVS and got one. I’m feeling positive (besides this annoying pain) - pushing the negative thoughts away and moving forward. Today feels like fall and it’s my favorite weather - overcast ⛅️ I’ve been wearing a hoodie almost everyday since my surgery because my foobs make me FREEZE. My husband had no idea what I meant that my foobs were freezing ALL of the time so I told him to feel them - he was amazed at how cold they were vs the rest of my skin (even my forever cold hands). Foobs are weird. I’m so thankful, so happy, so positive. I couldn’t ask for more or better healing #mastectomy #breastcancer #breastcancersurvivor #fightlikeagirl #fuckcancer #mentalhealth #anxiety #depression #ednos #edwarrior #edrecovery #adultswitheds #agoraphobia #bopo #bodypositive #loveyourself #onaquest #fitnessjourney #protein #foobs #selflove #positivevibes
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bnt34X6lXk1/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=pwwyepn7hk1y

It’s hard to believe today is 7 weeks post DMX with DTI Reconstruction. I thought by 4 weeks I’d be back to my normal self - I can laugh at that thought now because I was completely WRONG. I’m still not even half way there - though I am very thankful for my progress. I owe it to my plastic surgeon for scaring me into eating all of the protein and lowering the carbs so my reactive hypoglycemia would stay in check meaning less complicated healing. I’ve had a few bumps in the road - the cording I’m currently experiencing, the blood blister (THANK YOU BODY for not being necrosis - Since I was too neurotic to quit vaping nicotine a month before my surgery and quit 6 hours before ) that I had to treat with Santyl but overall I’m very happy with how my foobs have turned out. I’m still confined to my 2014 (judge me, buying food is more important than buying bras) sports bras - it actually hurts not wearing a bra. I’ve walked 2 miles the past 4 days as well as cleaned. I haven’t touched nicotine or medical marijuana in 7 weeks Before surgery, I thought I was healthy - that was a lie. I couldn’t go an hour without eating without my blood sugar plummeting, I vaped my face off, I worked out for 2.5 hours a day every single day, I lived off of carbs (the vicious cycle of low blood sugar over and over) - absolutely none of that was healthy. I may be underweight, I may still have bad ED thought days, but I appreciate and love my body for all that it does rather than how it looks. I lost all of my muscle and stamina, so what? I’ll get it back when I’m able to hit the gym without pain. I’m in a good place mentally, a better place than I’ve been since I can remember and I’m happy. #mastectomy #breastcancer #breastcancersurvivor #recovery #edwarrior #edrecovery #ednos #anxiety #depression #mentalhealth #mmj #adultswitheds #bopo #bodypositivity #selflove #scars #stretchmarks #looseskin #fitness #fitnessjourney #positivevibes
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bnb6-JWFVS0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1t0aec8hzp51n

Today I was able to exercise and get my blood flowing. Not to burn calories, but to start getting active again since it’s way too hot to go on a walk outside I am no where near the stamina I was at - 5 miles a day. I tapped out at 40 minutes, 3mph at 2 miles. I didn’t realize how having these implants would impact me physically - towards the end it felt like I could breathe which I initially felt when I couldn’t sleep very early on post op because I felt like I was being smothered/had a weight on my chest but I know I’ll get there and also be able to work on my abs and arms again. I’m just thankful I am able to walk the 2 miles a day, that I’m able to clean (except vacuum). On to the next - Biocorneum. I was skeptical at first. I felt horrible spending $105 on it but my plastic surgeon highly recommended that I use it. I’ve only been using it for 4 days and I’ve already noticed a difference in my scarring - they’re way less raised than they were! I’m just hoping this tube lasts me awhile (a little does go a long way!) because that’s a steep price to pay for scar treatment. Also, I’m self inflicted confined to my sports bra 24/7 again out of fear that my foobs will drop if I don’t wear a bra all of the time Maybe if I had somewhere special to go I’d give it up for a few hours but I’ve been through too much to need another surgery or mess anything up - which is why I’m also following my PS’s recommendation high protein diet. My cording in my right breast where my lymph nodes were taken has been absolutely hell the past 2 days but I see my breast surgeon next Friday so I’m hoping to start physical therapy! I’m feeling the positivity lately and I am so thankful #mastectomy #breastcancer #breastcancersurvivor #fitness #cardio #fitnessjourney #biocorneum #scars #edwarrior #edrecovery #adultswitheds #ednos #bopo #bodypositivity #loveyourself #positivevibes
https://www.instagram.com/p/BnWrjZgFa3a/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=y57j6jn4826r

Since my double mastectomy I’ve been struggling with horrible body image issues. I remember the first time I was able to take a shower - 13 days after my surgery and sitting under the water for an hour crying at the sight of my foobs, of my medication induced bloated body. Later that day, I learned I had cancer. My perspective changed but I still struggle with how much my body has changed in just 6 weeks. All of the excess skin from my 122 pound weight loss hanging off of my body, the lack of range of motion in my arms, getting tired and out of breath just walking 2 miles or shopping. I’m grateful for all of my body does for me, has done for me, and continues to do for me. This is why I show my body love back, by nourishing it with the food it needs to heal and not letting ED win. Dear body, as I’m forced to eat healthy I’m sorry for ever restricting foods I loved - I want all of the carbs without consequence of my blood sugar dropping and not properly healing. I may not love my body at the moment, the way it looks, the way it feels, getting adjusted to my new “normal” - but I’m trying. I love what my body does for me, I love my scars as it’s proof of my strength, I love my stretch marks as they’re proof of my will, I love my mind and how mentally strong I’ve gotten. I’m remaining positive, I’m not restricting and I refuse to, I know and keep telling myself soon I’ll be strong enough to get my muscles back and I’ll continue eating all the Quest bars and dark chocolate M&M’s I want because life is about balance #mastectomy #breastcancer #breastcancersurvivor #fightlikeagirl #recovery #fuckcancer #edwarrior #edrecovery #ednos #adultswitheds #bopo #bodypositivity #selflove #positivevibes #foobs #anxiety #depression #mentalhealth
https://www.instagram.com/p/BnUJIJxlTAN/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=xrscb9yjx9qu

Bloated AF today. I hate summer - the heat, the humidity, the sunshine. Summer gives me seasonal depression. Holidays always bring out the worst in my ED brain and I lose it. I can’t accept that my weight is up a pound from Friday, even though I know it’s due to my body still regulating since surgery. I cannot logically accept the number on the scale at the moment. I still nourished my body with what it needs - my everyday “diet” (I hate that word) since surgery, but I can’t be around “unsafe” food in fear of binging (yes, even healthy food). I do not restrict, thankfully. I’m still able to get my 100g of protein a day, eat my dark chocolate M&M’s and enjoy the amount of complex carbs I’m allowed (literally, doctor’s orders) without guilt. I’m tired of hearing “You need to gain weight” - I would never make a comment about someone’s body/weight to them. You don’t know what someone struggles with, that comment triggers my ED brain - triggers me to want to lose more weight. Before surgery I ate way more calories (yes I track. ED behavior? Maybe or maybe because I’m concerned about my macros & making sure I get enough protein/fat/not too many carbs especially simple carbs for healing), I also worked out for 2.5 hours a day. I would do anything at the moment to just work out for 30-60 minutes without pain at the moment. I miss moving. I miss feeling “normal”. I’m in a better place mentally (panic disorder, agoraphobia, PTSD, BPD, EDNOS) overall since my Mastectomy/Cancer diagnosis, I challenge myself more everyday but today is a bad day and I can be open about it. I’ll make sure tomorrow is better - I didn’t go through all of this to end up with the slow suicide of an ED that’s already taken more than half of my life away from me. I’m stronger than this & I will win #mastectomy #breastcancer #breastcancersurvivor #ednos #edwarrior #adultswitheds #recovery #prorecovery #edrecovery #realrecovery #mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #ptsd #bpd #foodie #eatingdisorder #agoraphobia #fightlikeagirl #bopo #bodypositive #loveyourself #fuckdietculture #selflove #bodydysmorphia
https://www.instagram.com/p/BnPho1Tlt5u/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=lz5ed0wooq4g

Happy Friday (yes, I know this picture is from Monday but let’s be real I could never make myself look this good ‍♀️) This time 5 weeks ago I was in the operating room undergoing my Mastectomy with reconstruction. I can’t believe it’s been 5 weeks! Time seriously flew. Last week I was dealing with major depression, but I never chalked it up to being PMS. I was SO mad at my body when I got my period for the second time since being home from the hospital. I then turned my thinking to a positive - my body is properly functioning and even though my post Mastectomy periods are way more severe I am THANKFUL for my body being amazing On Tuesday I saw my GYN who referred me to my amazing breast surgeon - since my cancer diagnosis and history of cysts/lesions on my ovaries tests were ordered and even if anything small is seen, in the least exploratory surgery will be ordered This week I took a turn in my recovery - I’m bursting with energy now and feel like I’m ready to take on anything! I’ve also been challenging my agoraphobia and anxiety on a daily basis - not only have I been driving and going to appointments alone but I’m driving and exposing myself to going to stores alone! Also, I haven’t worked out in 5 weeks and I don’t feel bad about it one bit. I’ve accepted my body, I love my body for all it does for me. I like this new me #mastectomy #breastcancer #breastcancersurvivor #fuckcancer #fightlikeagirl #positivevibes #anxiety #agoraphobia #recovery #mentalhealth #adultswitheds #ednos #edwarrior #bopo #bodypositive
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bm3fKT0FOb5/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=gghjp4n6yn8s