#fyoured
Mindfulness, Recovery, and Saying “Fuck It, Why Not?”
I started this blog in 2012, maybe 2013, and was very much in the depths of my eating disorder. I started it because I was angry: at my anorexia, everything it had stolen from me, and a little bit at my treatment program (they encouraged me to weigh myself weekly, log it, and do things like weigh butter and whatnot… it felt somewhat counterintuitive).
I was 15-17 when I was posting here most often (wow, a lifetime ago). I hope it was helpful - most of all I just wanted to help others feel less alone.
This blog has been very much neglected for years and years, because quite frankly I’d simply grown out of it. I’m now (almost) 26. Life is mostly actually really good, and I am so glad every day that I fought back against my ED and pushed through. It’s so, so worth it, I promise!
I have been thinking about ‘recovery’ a lot recently, and what it has meant to me. Something that I thought might be helpful to share is that (I have found that) it’s okay for eating-disordered thoughts to still be there even when you consider yourself ‘recovered’. What matters is how you deal with those thoughts.
We cannot control thoughts: they simply come. Recovery, for me, has meant learning to let those thoughts pass, as if they were simply clouds in the sky, and not acting on them, fighting them, giving them any attention really. That would make them ‘real’. Out-thinking your brain is very difficult: this is something I have learned in my 3-year long battle with health anxiety!
The above paragraph is very much a ‘mindfulness’ thing, and much more suited for those of us coasting along in the latter phases of recovery. If you are just starting on your eating disorder recovery journey, it’s a different process. You must, of course, fight back against the thoughts.
What I found helpful at that time was essentially just, at times of particular panic, telling my eating disorder to “fuck off”. Or, to put it more eloquently: “fuck it, what have I got to lose by trying this ‘recovery’ thing people are telling me about?” I had just read a book called ‘Fuck It: The Ultimate Spiritual Way’ by John Parkin and teenage me absolutely loved it. I won’t recommend it for all aspects of life (driving, financial matters!) but for the time, it was perfect.
Harder than it sounds here, of course. But the principle was helpful.
(Anyway, hence the name for this blog all those years ago.)
If you are still on Tumblr and followed this blog years ago (or recently!), I hope you are doing well today. I hope the weather is nice where you are, and I hope you are thriving.
I will start posting recovery content again - not just specific to eating disorders, but aiming to create a generally positive mental health space.
Kate
We received this question via FanMail, and I thought that it was something that numerious people can relate to:
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Hello:) How can I not feel guilty to eat more than I should? I’m not in recovery I’m not diagnosed with ED but I follow your blog because the posts really help me cope more and makes me feel a lot better about eating. However when I binge I feel such a rush of sickness through me and guilt is followed for many hours. I exercise it off most of the time or I’d restrict. I never threw up to get rid of the food I was too scared. I hated the feeling of puking. And I was paranoid about teeth getting yellow and my esophagus tearing (I know I think too much lol). So what can I do to not feel as bad for eating? Also, what can I do after a binge? I feel horrible!
Sitting with uncomfortable feelings (both mental and physical) after bingeing is SO difficult, I won’t deny that for a second. However, over exercising or restricting will only make these feelings worse because compensatory behaviors will keep you stuck in the cycle. You said that you’re not diagnosed with an ED, however it sounds like you’re still struggling with some really difficult eating-relates issues. The best thing that I can suggest is to eat regularly throughout the day – three meals and snacks. Never go more than four hours (although personally I don’t let myself go more than two hours) without eating. Restricting your intake is what leads to bingeing. Your body needs the food, so technically what you’re experiencing is not bingeing, but rather it’s reactive eating. Your body is reacting to being in starvation mode; it’s beggingyou for food. Consistently eating 2500-3000+ calories a day will help to regulate the periods of over eating. I know it’s really hard, and for a while it’s not going to feel good, but I promise you that it’s worth it. In the meantime, after a binge I would do something self soothing, A bubble bath, painting your nails, taking a light walk. You do not need to punish yourself for fulfilling the basic human need to eat.
I wish you the very best, and I hope that this was somewhat helpful to you, even if it’s not what you likely wanted to hear.
-Andrea
Just wanna clear something up…
Recovering from an eating disorder is NOT synonymous with “getting fit.”
Recovery is about loving yourself for more than your body, not finding a “healthier” way to “perfect” your body.
