Tw // anorexia (pro recovery)

i know you’re lonely. i know it feels comforting to slip into the same old familiar loneliness. the same religiously good hurt of refusing yourself the things you need and the space to heal. i know it feels beautiful to have something to worship. i know in this cold, confusing world, having goodness be safely defined as thinness within a community with whom you can push for that ideal feels like a comfort. i know it feels safe and familiar. but if you think that this is something that you can compartmentalize and keep safe tucked in a corner of your life, you can’t; and if you think it ever ends, or that your ideal is something you will ever reach, you’re wrong. this disorder is a parasite, and it will take over every corner of your life and every minute of your time and in the end, you will not be rewarded for it. no one will like you any better, least of all yourself; no one will thank you for hurting yourself like this; the world will not turn rose-coloured, your head will not clear and your perfect life will not materialize. you will come out of the end of the tunnel and you will have lost years of your life that you can never get back, and you will realize you were worshipping a false god the whole time. you will realize you never needed to change to wake up with a smile on your lips and birds singing in the window, you never needed to change to dance in the kitchen with your significant other or feel the warmth of another’s presence and laughter. if this made you doubt yourself at all, come and take my hand. i know the grave is comfortable, but don’t let yourself sleep yet.

tw // eating disorder (anorexia recovery)

i know you’re lonely. i know it feels comforting to slip into the same old familiar loneliness. the same religiously good hurt of refusing yourself the things you need and the space to heal. i know it feels beautiful to have something to worship. i know in this cold, confusing world, having goodness be safely defined as thinness within a community with whom you can push for that ideal feels like a comfort. i know it feels safe and familiar. but if you think that this is something that you can compartmentalize and keep safe tucked in a corner of your life, you can’t; and if you think it ever ends, or that your ideal is something you will ever reach, you’re wrong. this disorder is a parasite, and it will take over every corner of your life and every minute of your time and in the end, you will not be rewarded for it. no one will like you any better, least of all yourself; no one will thank you for hurting yourself like this; the world will not turn rose-coloured, your head will not clear and your perfect life will not materialize. you will come out of the end of the tunnel and you will have lost years of your life that you can never get back, and you will realize you were worshipping a false god the whole time. you will realize you never needed to change to wake up with a smile on your lips and birds singing in the window, you never needed to change to dance in the kitchen with your significant other or feel the warmth of another’s presence and laughter. if this made you doubt yourself at all, come and take my hand. i know the grave is comfortable, but don’t let yourself sleep yet.

bernie says recovery rights!

I’m planning on writing 2 - so request away below!=)

notdefinedbyed:

I was inspired on Twitter by @RecoveryFreedom to start thinking about “goals” I have for recovery. To me, some are more easily obtainable than others while others are repeat actions. I want to keep adding and utilize these to motivate me when I get stuck!

• Go to a restaurant and do not look up the menu before I go.
  
• Let someone else decide where to eat (not as indecisiveness, but as a way to not pre-plan.
• Order something based on taste, not “health” or “calories”
• Have a bulk snack in my house and not binge on it
• Do not hesitate at accepting a bite from someone else’s meal
• Show gratitude towards food, being able to digest it, etc.
• Get the next step up from an order (chai latte instead of sugar free, etc)
• Inspire someone
• Work a program for six months
• Sub in other foods when getting stuck on the same foods (apple for pear, etc)
• Go to Taco Bell after drinking (too funny, my boyfriend always wants this and I used to b/p after doing so)
• Don’t follow a “diet” or “lifestyle choice”
• Reach out to support system when struggling
• Eat out for lunch at work instead of pre-packing
• Saying yes to unknown social event
• Reduce anxiety around social events
• Eat ice cream without binging
• Have ice cream in the house without binging
• Eat a brownie
• Eat a cookie (or two or three if you want!)
• Find a gym activity you like so that it isn’t just work.
• Find and maintain my natural body shape/size/weight
• Mentor others in ED recovery
• Educate others with my experience
• Develop my relationship with my higher purpose
• Make decisions not based on calories/ingredients
• Make a quicker decision and leave behind the anxiety
• Work towards keeping our new house ED-free
• Work towards having personal trust
• Find community service/group outreach
• Don’t look at a label when shopping
• Don’t compare calories between products
• Push my boundaries and comfort level
• When questioning or getting anxious, just GO FOR IT.
• Eat something sweet every day.
• Give thanks and gratitude daily
• Say “no” more often or voice reservations
• Not have my significant other worried when i go to the bathroom after eating
• Not have my friends/family worried when I go to the bathroom after eating
• Go to a buffet and not binge
• Not think about calories when at the gym
• Not be defined by my weight or have my weight derail me
• Stay off the scale

I want to run from this change
This scary hell I have to replace
New ways to find
Out of my mind

I want to scream
Let me be free
But I feel I’ll never be ready for these tears

So -
Light a candle for my fears

- candle for my fears || euterp-e on tumblr

Things I realised while in hospital, part 3

17) focus on yourself. There’s no point comparing yourself to anyone else, because their situation is not relevant to your journey.
18) this is harder than I thought it would be and some days it feels impossible, but you get through it.
19) your suffering hurts the people who love you. There’s no denying it. But they love you despite it all.
20) when progress is slower than you hoped, that’s not your failure. You wouldn’t say you’re failing if your broken leg wasn’t healing as quickly as you’d hoped, would you?