i know you’re lonely. i know it feels comforting to slip into the same old familiar loneliness. the same religiously good hurt of refusing yourself the things you need and the space to heal. i know it feels beautiful to have something to worship. i know in this cold, confusing world, having goodness be safely defined as thinness within a community with whom you can push for that ideal feels like a comfort. i know it feels safe and familiar. but if you think that this is something that you can compartmentalize and keep safe tucked in a corner of your life, you can’t; and if you think it ever ends, or that your ideal is something you will ever reach, you’re wrong. this disorder is a parasite, and it will take over every corner of your life and every minute of your time and in the end, you will not be rewarded for it. no one will like you any better, least of all yourself; no one will thank you for hurting yourself like this; the world will not turn rose-coloured, your head will not clear and your perfect life will not materialize. you will come out of the end of the tunnel and you will have lost years of your life that you can never get back, and you will realize you were worshipping a false god the whole time. you will realize you never needed to change to wake up with a smile on your lips and birds singing in the window, you never needed to change to dance in the kitchen with your significant other or feel the warmth of another’s presence and laughter. if this made you doubt yourself at all, come and take my hand. i know the grave is comfortable, but don’t let yourself sleep yet.
I completely realize that I have vanished (almost) without a trace for a good few months now and I feel terrible about BUT there are a few not so tiny reasons for it:
I ended a 3+ year relationship with my fiancee about 5 months ago and moved out into a new place with my brother and his girlfriend. This has been quite the wild ride and definitely something I was sure would be the end of the world for me BUT what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and I’ll write a whole post just on this later (if any of you are interested to find out how that all went down and how I dealt with the fallout without snapping or falling apart.)
I got promoted twice at work which meant - you guessed it - TWICE the work! So ramping up with that (and it’s a pseudo-management role) has definitely taken it’s mental toll on me and tossed my sleep schedules way off whack. Lack of sleep = lack of motivation and energy for extracurricular things (like blogging) so thus the dry spell (pardon my French!)
I came to the realization that I’m actually in what ‘they’ (whoever THEY are) call “partial-recovery” and this is something I seriously needed to come to terms with in order to continue helping you lovely folks and giving advice that I myself was 100% taking. This is one that I’m STILL working through and I’ll write an in-depth post on Partial Recovery and where I’m at with that, what it means and how I’m re-planning my approach to not only my own recovery but to supporting all you warriors that brave struggles of your own every day.
Hopefully, given that those are some pretty solid reasons for taking a brief (OK - not so brief) hiatus, you can forgive my lack of motivating posts and rest articles but I pledge to from this day forth (or the wrath of *insert worst super villain here* shall be bestowed upon me) that I will commit to not only answering your guys’ recovery questions once again but I’ll be following this posting schedule and coming out with new recovery articles weekly!
MY NEW POSTING SCHEDULE
1 New Article / week: Posted to your delicious feeds (no pun intended) every Sunday at 9:30pm EST.
1 New Inspiring Quote / week: Tossed atcha every Wednesday evening at 9:30pm EST
1 Weekly photo-feed: Where I’ll share some fav snaps of my life / recovery practices etc every Saturday at 9:30 pm EST.
I’m setting ⏰ 27 reminders ⏰ as we speak and I won’t disappear on you guys again! Anyways, hopefully you’re all doing amazingly great and practiced self-love and mindfulness over the holidays because that’s SO important. I know ED doesn’t make the holiday season easy so I hope you guys were able to make the best of it and get that annoying little voice to shut up for at least a ew minutes every day as you celebrated whatever it is that your family celebrates around this time of year. :)
I was inspired on Twitter by @RecoveryFreedom to start thinking about “goals” I have for recovery. To me, some are more easily obtainable than others while others are repeat actions. I want to keep adding and utilize these to motivate me when I get stuck!
Go to a restaurant and do not look up the menu before I go.
Let someone else decide where to eat (not as indecisiveness, but as a way to not pre-plan.
Order something based on taste, not “health” or “calories”
Have a bulk snack in my house and not binge on it
Do not hesitate at accepting a bite from someone else’s meal
Show gratitude towards food, being able to digest it, etc.
Get the next step up from an order (chai latte instead of sugar free, etc)
Inspire someone
Work a program for six months
Sub in other foods when getting stuck on the same foods (apple for pear, etc)
Go to Taco Bell after drinking (too funny, my boyfriend always wants this and I used to b/p after doing so)
Don’t follow a “diet” or “lifestyle choice”
Reach out to support system when struggling
Eat out for lunch at work instead of pre-packing
Saying yes to unknown social event
Reduce anxiety around social events
Eat ice cream without binging
Have ice cream in the house without binging
Eat a brownie
Eat a cookie (or two or three if you want!)
Find a gym activity you like so that it isn’t just work.
Find and maintain my natural body shape/size/weight
Mentor others in ED recovery
Educate others with my experience
Develop my relationship with my higher purpose
Make decisions not based on calories/ingredients
Make a quicker decision and leave behind the anxiety
Work towards keeping our new house ED-free
Work towards having personal trust
Find community service/group outreach
Don’t look at a label when shopping
Don’t compare calories between products
Push my boundaries and comfort level
When questioning or getting anxious, just GO FOR IT.
Eat something sweet every day.
Give thanks and gratitude daily
Say “no” more often or voice reservations
Not have my significant other worried when i go to the bathroom after eating
Not have my friends/family worried when I go to the bathroom after eating
Go to a buffet and not binge
Not think about calories when at the gym
Not be defined by my weight or have my weight derail me
• When people smile so wide, creases appear on their face. It’s like they’re so happy that they can’t keep it in
• Tanlines and age spots and freckles and scars and stretch marks and acne. Chapped lips, bleary eyes, broken nails, split ends. Anything that marks us as human and vulnerable and brave.
• h a n d s
• A stomach that has lots of rolls or none at all!!!!! It makes me so happy to think that that’s the place where your favourite foods are!!!!!!
It’s 2020, it’s time to stop putting so much importance and value on physical beauty. What is beauty, anyway? Everyone has a different definition of it. Stop judging others and stop judging yourself for their beauty not fitting into your version of it.
WE are beautiful and WE are radiant and no I don’t accept criticism
Image description: black text on a white background reads, “when you’re disabled, refusing to hate your body is one of the most radical things you can do.” The quote is attributed to Karin Hitselberger
Founded in 2008, “Body Empowerment” is hosted and produced by NYC-based writer, performer, body empowerment advocate, and educator Caroline Rothstein. In an effort to promote eating disorder awareness, prevention, and recovery, as well as promote positive body image worldwide, Caroline shares her own recovery stories - both the challenges and triumphs - as well as the ways in which we can empower our bodies and selves on emotional and mental levels.
New episodes of the 2014 summer series air every Tuesday through August 2014.
Caroline welcomes and encourages viewer comments, questions, and video topic requests.
Spread the word - we all deserve a lifetime of empowerment!
Founded in 2008, “Body Empowerment” is hosted and produced by NYC-based writer, performer, body empowerment advocate, and educator Caroline Rothstein. In an effort to promote eating disorder awareness, prevention, and recovery, as well as promote positive body image worldwide, Caroline shares her own recovery stories - both the challenges and triumphs - as well as the ways in which we can empower our bodies and selves on emotional and mental levels.
New episodes of the 2014 summer series air every Tuesday through August 2014.
Caroline welcomes and encourages viewer comments, questions, and video topic requests.
Spread the word - we all deserve a lifetime of empowerment!
this one is really important to me, especially lately.
i’m 5+ years recovered from an eating disorder (i went to treatment for 9 months inpatient and went outpatient for a really long time after. i still see my dietitian periodically to check in for accountability) and i still wrestle at times with body image from internalized messages (not referring to the gender dysphoria here), so i have to remind myself to thought-check before i body-check.
i’ve thankfully gotten much more adept at reminding myself that instead of seeing parts of my body (i.e. stomach, legs, arms - things that i was always judged/shamed for) under a microscopic lens of “too this/too that,” i can remind myself of what they do for me. my arms hold cats and work magick in my practice; they help me cook and steady myself as i ride my bike. my stomach protects my inner organs; it’s got skin just like my feet do. my legs hold me up and help me walk and run through sprinklers; even on the days i can’t walk so well, i know they’re trying.
i like the thought-work of reframing much better for my own self than i do the body positive movement, because to me, this reframing work says ’accept your body.’ and to me, acceptance IS the first step towards loving your body—because the absence of hatred is not the immediate presence of love and can lead to a lot of discouragement right off the bat if one thinks it does and it doesn’t work (i know it did for me).
so on my way out of a mindset of self-hatred, be it hatred towards my body because of messages i’ve internalized and adopted as my own or towards my ideas or towards my dreams, i have learned that i can not logically make the jump immediately from “i hate myself/my ideas/my body” to “i love myself/my ideas/my body” right away. instead, i have moved towards that direction through the phases of “i hate myself” working hard towards “i accept myself” towards “i am okay with myself” and it is getting me much much closer towards “i love myself.”
and of course there’s a lot of good to say about affirmations - i definitely say some of those as well, i’m not dissing those or the body positive movement. i’m just stating what’s worked best for me (and actually many friends from treatment that i am still in touch with) that i see as less-viewed but i think has great benefit. bottom line, i just really resonated with this lousy drawing today. i’ve been reflecting on my progress a lot lately and i simply love this one in particular <3
Just had one big Weetabix for breakfast with 6 of the chocolate minis and s/s milk! I tried that Curiously Cinnamon but it was so disgusting, glad it was only the mini box.. I didn’t take a picture cause weetabix never looks good on camera!
I somehow managed to get on the bus for a child’s fare, not complaining! Didn’t eat this on the bus though, shared the popcorn with my niece (kids are persistent haha) and I had the nakd bar at the park. Really liked this flavour, the cocoa orange had put me off but I’m definitely gonna try more!
Snack was this! This popcorn is my latest obsession! It’s so good and there’s so much in it, definitely worth the 109 calories. I tried a nakd bar for the first time, since my friends always eat them but I was really disappointed with this one? I normally love Terry’s chocolate orange so I thought this would be good but it was vile. :/
Dinner was a chicken fajita wrap and some tropical kale juice from Marks & Spencer! The wrap was alright, I probably wouldn’t have it again though but I thought for £1, there was no harm in trying it! And I really enjoyed the tropical kale juice, bonus that it’s 2 of your 5 a day!
For breakfast I just had a morning oat bar, since there’s no pancakes left or fruit for smoothies. Then for lunch, I was cleaning up and had to get ready so I just had a grilled cheese sandwich (light cheese slice/premium brown bread, totals to under 200 cal, which is fab) and I walked down town, around town a bit and burned 500 calories. I bought something good for dinner, so I’ll post that when I decide to have it :)
So I had this blog back in 2012-2013 to motivate myself to get ‘fit’ and 'healthy’ but long story short, it spiralled into having an eating disorder. I’ve been struggling a lot for the past year, but now I’m so motivated to get healthy again and not let obsessive thoughts take over, I was never underweight and I still feel like I have to lose weight but I want to be healthy about it. No more restricting or purging. So I’ve decided to try and use this blog again for motivation and to help me properly recover.
To trans folks with eating disorders, I see you, and I’m sending my love. Its a difficult place to be, between desiring control over your body, wanting to minimise or alter secondary sex characteristics and being faced with unrealistic and idealised body images from both cis and trans people. Know that you’re going to be okay. There is help out there and people who understand. Even if you don’t like aspects of your body, you deserve love and kindness, and there are many wonderful parts of it too. Your physical appearance is one of the least interesting things about you. You are stunning and handsome and beautiful and clever and kind and caring and creative and brave and strong. Look after yourselves.
Mindfulness, Recovery, and Saying “Fuck It, Why Not?”
I started this blog in 2012, maybe 2013, and was very much in the depths of my eating disorder. I started it because I was angry: at my anorexia, everything it had stolen from me, and a little bit at my treatment program (they encouraged me to weigh myself weekly, log it, and do things like weigh butter and whatnot… it felt somewhat counterintuitive).
I was 15-17 when I was posting here most often (wow, a lifetime ago). I hope it was helpful - most of all I just wanted to help others feel less alone.
This blog has been very much neglected for years and years, because quite frankly I’d simply grown out of it. I’m now (almost) 26. Life is mostly actually really good, and I am so glad every day that I fought back against my ED and pushed through. It’s so, so worth it, I promise!
I have been thinking about ‘recovery’ a lot recently, and what it has meant to me. Something that I thought might be helpful to share is that (I have found that) it’s okay for eating-disordered thoughts to still be there even when you consider yourself ‘recovered’. What matters is how you deal with those thoughts.
We cannot control thoughts: they simply come. Recovery, for me, has meant learning to let those thoughts pass, as if they were simply clouds in the sky, and not acting on them, fighting them, giving them any attention really. That would make them ‘real’. Out-thinking your brain is very difficult: this is something I have learned in my 3-year long battle with health anxiety!
The above paragraph is very much a ‘mindfulness’ thing, and much more suited for those of us coasting along in the latter phases of recovery. If you are just starting on your eating disorder recovery journey, it’s a different process. You must, of course, fight back against the thoughts.
What I found helpful at that time was essentially just, at times of particular panic, telling my eating disorder to “fuck off”. Or, to put it more eloquently: “fuck it, what have I got to lose by trying this ‘recovery’ thing people are telling me about?” I had just read a book called ‘Fuck It: The Ultimate Spiritual Way’ by John Parkin and teenage me absolutely loved it. I won’t recommend it for all aspects of life (driving, financial matters!) but for the time, it was perfect.
Harder than it sounds here, of course. But the principle was helpful.
(Anyway, hence the name for this blog all those years ago.)
If you are still on Tumblr and followed this blog years ago (or recently!), I hope you are doing well today. I hope the weather is nice where you are, and I hope you are thriving.
I will start posting recovery content again - not just specific to eating disorders, but aiming to create a generally positive mental health space.
Every once in a while, I like to take a look over the last three years & appreciate just how far I’ve come. Whilst there’s always room for debate in terms of whether or not it is possible to fully recover from an eating disorder (some believe that it’s something to be managed for the rest of your life, and others believe that leaving your ED behind forever is possible for everyone), I know in my heart that I’ve well and truly let my eating disorder go, and that I’m all the better for it.
Notice the language there; I’ve let my eating disorder go, not “my eating disorder eased its grip on me” (or something similar). Two of the most important things I realised during my recovery process were that a) my recovery was in my hands, and b) that I was not helpless. I realised that I needed to take a deep breath and start tackling my fears and anxieties head on, rather than sit around all day and do research and write diet plans for myself and plan the “perfect” recovery, yadda yadda yadda. No therapist had ever told me this (if anything, my therapists were of the “count your calories and weigh yourself religiously” variety); it was something I had to work out by myself. I had to really, really learn to let it all go.
It’s very important to keep asking yourself the following two questions: “Why does this matter?”and“What am I afraid of?”. Ask yourself these whenever you feel the slightest tinge of eating-disordered compulsive-anxiety panic coming on; ask yourself these until you’re blue in the face. Eventually, you will stumble across an uncomfortable truth, and that’s what you need to deal with long-term and manage for the rest of your life - not your weight or your calorie intake, believe me.
‘My Worst Friend’ . I’m not sure about you guys, but lock down has forced me to face the worst parts of me. . A deeply entrenched ED has destroyed my poor, yet resilient body over 14 years. I continued to ignore all of the clear signs shoved at me; hair shedding, bone weakness, long standing amenorrhea, constant low energy and mood.. to name a few. There’s a war in my head every time I eat & when I get scared I run back to my ED like it’s an old friend. . Diet culture is incredibly toxic, instilled in young girls; the brain is ultimately hardwired to live a warped reality, and it’s an increasing problem. Neural pathways are hard to rewire. . So I urge you all to question what the media are telling you about your own bodies and what you’re worth. You don’t need to believe it. I forgive myself & my brain, for falling into this trap. We somehow thought it would bring us happiness.
