#eatingdisorderrecovery
I’m choosing me.
I’m not choosing to gain weight. I’m choosing to be me.
because I am not …
* saying no to plans that might involve food.
* body checking after every meal to know how much self-loathing to carry with me that day.
*rigid. numb. foggy.
*stuck in my head. distant. never present. &never truly joining in.
because I am …
* sitting at a bar, alone, having margs just because //no special occasion needed to treat myself//.
* splitting an unplanned slice of cake with a best friend.
* spontaneous. clear-minded. emotional (for the good &for the bad).
* living life. experiencing the world around me. joining in &making memories with the ones I love oh so much.
gains.
positives to weight gain
*you wear clothes, no more clothes wearing you.
* &you get to buy new clothes
*moving without fear of breaking
*discovering your body does more than hurt &be cold.
*stepping out of the fog &being present.
*social eating is actually social (not a stressful clusterfuck)
*finding ways to define yourself other than the skinny one.
*feeling. having enough energy to experience&show emotion.
*freeing up brain space to think about so many other //better// things.
*having an all natural glow up.
bigger me, bigger life.
I’ve been joining in, making memories, living life to the fullest. &with that came gains. I gained experiences. I gained relationships. I gained weight. &even in the midst of all the living,laughing,loving (lol, cringing), still the thoughts sneak in. the thoughts about my body. you know, the ones that say I need to lose the weight I’ve gained. those shit thoughts creeped in tonight. &me writing this is my way of //figuratively// slapping myself straight.
wtf ana.
yeah losing weight seeeeems nice. but to lose the weight, I’d have to lose SO much more. I’d have to lose friends. I’d have to lose mental clarity. lose drinks out with the girls. lose celebratory treats with my new work fam. the losses, they go on&on.
so am I willing to give up so much for one thing, a smaller me? nope. am I willing to shrink the joy I have in my new life to shrink my waist? nope.nope.
if bigger me means bigger life, then well… I’m here for it.
to start the week.
I see life as a joy to live, no longer a fight to win.
I wake up excited for what is in store, rather than counting down to bed time, how many more..?
but what has changed? the world around me, or me at the core?
I’ve changed what I allow myself to see. I live life the way I’ve always wished it be. I live each day as a celebration. today is never again, that’s the occasion.
how much more beautiful this world we live in, when the beauty we see starts from within.
instead of assuming, ask.
instead of assuming, ask. instead of judging, try to understand. &then maybe just maybe this world &the people in it won’t be as big&bad as they seem.
I recently was described as “unfriendly unless I was really trying to not be” //harsh//. but the real bitch in this story is actually not me. //hang with me on this//.
the girl saying these less than nice things about me not once tried to get to know me. not once did this girl ever ask me who I am. instead of taking the time to get to know me, she took that time &wasted it. she took that time to create a narrative of who she ~wanted~ me to be.
maybe this “unfriendly me” was shy. maybe “unfriendly me” was in thought, stuck inside my own head. or maybe “unfriendly me” was tired, hurting, in way too deep with an eating disorder. //cause I was//. but she wouldn’t know that. because she didn’t care. so now neither do I. she can have what she wanted, the story she created about me. she gets unfriendly me because well she’s a story writer. &I’m tired of those. I am tired of giving chances out to people who give me none.
my little (but really kinda big) wins
not having to bring a sweater everywhere.
but also getting to buy sweaters //&all clothes// in real adult sizes.
sitting in all kinds of chairs, even the hard ones.
not waking up in the middle of the night hungry.
creamer in my coffee.
going to a restaurant ¬ already have planned out my meal.
ordering straight from the menu, no on the sides for me.
saying yes to plans that might involve food.
or saying yes to plans that are during my “normal” meal times.
no matter how seemly small a win may appear, that “small” win may be big for someone. without fear of judgement, fiercely celebrate all your wins. I know I am.
Is there such thing as TOO HEALTHY?? My answer is yes.
No matter how ‘healthy’ your diet is, if you have a toxic relationship with food, one that controls you, consumes you, slowly destroys you, then that’s not healthy.
If eating healthy compromises your ability to:
Listen to your body
Eat the foods you love most + enjoy them too
Give your body all the nutrients and energy it needs
Recover from exercise
Feel at peace with yourself
Enjoy some less healthy foods occasionally, such as going out for icecream with friends
Go out to eat and eat food you haven’t prepared yourself
ENJOY LIFE and not worry about food all the time
Then that’s not healthy.
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I struggled with orthorexia for years and years of my life and refused to admit it because I was ‘just trying the be my healthiest’.
TRUE HEALTH includes balance. Harmony between the body, mind and soul. And if to overcome your food fears + maintain a healthy relationship with food you need to eat a square of chocolate after dinner or go out to eat once a week, then THAT IS HEALTHY for you.
Because in the end, we only have one life. Finding balance between a healthy body, mind and soul so you feel your best but also feel freedom + peace with food and your body, is so much more important than having the textbook ‘perfect’ diet (which doesn’t exist anyway, trust me)✌❤️
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FUNDRAISER IS LAUNCHED!! Check out the video here: https://vimeo.com/293616298 and the link to donate is in my bio! #shortfilm #womeninfilm #actor #actress #nyc #newyorkcity #mentalillness #mentalhealthawareness #comedy #funny #depression #anxiety #ed #eatingdisorderrecovery #recovery #femalewarrior
https://www.instagram.com/p/BwGKnDRle9Q/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=6xx0urwyc72l
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VOTING ENDS SOON!!! I’d really REALLY appreciate if you could vote for my short film ‘Dee’ in the Reproductions Screenplay Contest.
It’s a short comedy about depression and how to coexist with it.
All you have to do is hit the purple vote button and then click the validation link sent to your email.
PLEASE vote. LINK IN BIO
https://pr.easypromosapp.com/voteme/825535/630533832?lc=eng
#mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #mentalillness #deppression #anxiety #eatingdisorderawareness #eatingdissorder #eatingdisorderrecovery #recovery #love #ednos #ednosrecovery #film #women #womenempowerment #womeninfilm #womenwriters #feminist #female #allfemalecast #actor #actorslife #actorlife #actress #actresslife #nyc #newyork #newyorkcity #rva #richmond #nova #northernvirginia #vote #support #reproductions #actorsconnection #comedy #comedic #writing #writerscommunity #screenplay
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WHADDUP IG FAM!! So I’m trying real hard to make shit happen and I’d really REALLY appreciate if you guys could vote for my short film ‘Dee’ in the Reproductions Screenplay Contest.
It’s a short comedy about depression and how to coexist with it. In light of all the stuff happening at once and feeling helpless I think it would be really beneficial to the mental health community to see and be able to laugh at. Plus, it passes the Bechdel Test with flying colors!
All you have to do is hit the purple vote button and then click the validation link sent to your email.
PLEASE vote. It would be an absolute dream come true to get this made
https://pr.easypromosapp.com/voteme/825535/630533832?lc=eng
#mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #eatingdisorderrecovery #ednos #recovery #warriors #love #selfcare #vote #art #film #screenplay #script #contest #reproductions #actorsconnection #womenempowerment #womeninfilm #actor #actorslife #actress #actresslife #nyc #rva #nova #impact #meaningful #promote
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The holidays are always a bit rough on those of us in #EDrecovery due to the heavy focus on food, but I know I can lean on my friends and most of all, everything I learned in treatment to help me through. This is my constant reminder and was my gift to myself upon graduating from @renfrewcenter. #recovery #mentalhealthawareness #eatingdisorderrecovery #eatingdisordersurvivor #EDNOS
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If I take away the idea that I’m not working and my workouts are modified, I might not be doing too bad considering the state that we’re in.
I’ve always cooked meals for my family but they weren’t home THIS much. The pandemic is forcing me to make food just a bit more and I’m okay with that.
Cooking takes my mind away from the b/s.
Despite the actual physical harm that COVID-19 does to the human body, the quarantine process exposes layers that I am forced to face about myself.
A Buzzfeed article about eating disorders and how practicing the safety protocols necessary from COVID-19 (i.e. staying indoors) are triggering for some people made a few things click. I listened to my internal dialogue yesterday and realize part of nervous energy stemmed from the reduction of my workouts. Thankfully I’m at a good place where I no longer believe in shit like earning my meal but light codependency in working out hard can dictate my happiness at times.
That reflection told me that I still have work to do AND I was in need of a meal that would make me forget about a damn pandemic. During these stressful times, I love creating hearty dishes and this was the one that came to mind. Might post up this recipe today.
I’m using this time to patch up some cracks within myself. And if I can make a bomb ass meal while on the mend, I’m winning.
Yesterday’s Dinner:
Beef Enchiladas | Chicken Enchiladas | Spanish Rice | Black Beans
#runningfatchef #fatrunner #cheftalk #ed #covid_19 #eatingdisorderrecovery #foodie #food #foodslut #chicken #beef #enchiladas #culinary (at Bedford–Stuyvesant, Brooklyn)
https://www.instagram.com/p/B-MuVDjH1JS/?igshid=170044rlak0l7
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For all the obvious reasons of 2020 just being over finally and having a (hopefully) more sane president in office.
But also for personal reasons because on the 4th I begin not only a new job, but an entirely new career in an entirely new industry for me and I am beyondexcited about it! It will also be by far the highest paying job I’ve had and the most “grown up” job I’ve ever had with insurance and real benefits and all that.
I’m also in the healthiest, happiest, and nicest living situation I have ever been in. It’s just me, my sister, and our dog in this nice house with the yards and the garage and a full kitchen AND NO OTHER ROOMMATES OR RELATIVES LIVING WITH US so we can do whatever we want and live how we want to live.
In 2020, I completely lost track of my weight loss (as I feel most of us have) because I was trying to focus more on my mental health and just getting through the year, but with the new year and this new job and stability in my life, I’m excited to get back on my weight loss journey–even though it will be much more of a health journey rather than one that is weight loss-centered.
I have been almost completely MIA on this blog all year, but I’m looking forward to being more active again and will be sharing more mental/emotional health posts in addition to health/diet/weight loss ones.
What truly is real in your life? Sometimes we are faced with harsh truths about our relationships, expectations, dreams, beliefs about out body or lifestyle, or even our core values. It is up to you tobeedefine your life. Take ownership, fond meaning, create your own reality that serves you.
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#mentalhealth #eatingdisorders #edrecovery #bodypositive #effyourbeautystandards #bopo #self-esteem #positivity #everybody #edrecovery #nourish #happiness #selflove #recovery #eatingdisorder #edsoldier #edwarrior #edfighter #strongnotskinny #nourishnotpunish #quotes #quoteoftheday #quotesaboutlife #quotestoliveby #recovering #eatingdisorderrecovery #anarecovery #realrecovery
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It takes a level of self love, dedication, and determination to live your greatest life. But guess what? Its oh so worth it.⠀
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#bodypositive #effyourbeautystandards #love #beautiful #allbodies #naturalyes #bopo #honormycurves #edrecovery #nourish #happiness #selflove #recovery #eatingdisorder #edsoldier #edwarrior #edfighter #strongnotskinny #nourishnotpunish #ed #anafighter #anawarrior #recovering #eatingdisorderrecovery #anarecovery #recoverywin #anorexiarecovery #foodisfuel #realrecovery #quote
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As we head into a food-focused holiday that can be filled with emotional pitfalls, here’s a much-needed reminder: your worth is not defined by the number on the scale or on a clothing tag. Fat is not a bad word, it’s a neutral descriptor. And you deserve to enjoy food without punishing yourself for eating.
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I can still remember taking the tiniest pieces of food and being applauded for my “self control.” I can remember allowing myself to actually eat… because I knew I’d get rid of it directly after. I can still feel the sting of relatives commenting on my body as they watched me eat, and immediately losing my appetite due to the power their words had.
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If those comments don’t resonate with you, then you’re lucky. Even if these things don’t impact you personally, be an ally. Stop negative body talk as soon as it starts. Change the topic, let your family know they’re being rude when they comment on people’s body fluctuations. Stand up for those who get emotionally trod on.
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Oh, and happy turkey day.
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#thanksgiving #turkeyday #bodypositive #bodypositivity #bopo #bodyacceptance #eatingdisorderrecovery #eatingdisorderawareness #fatisnotabadword #selflove
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bqc6w__ncod/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1g0q28p5angls
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- You’re not a burden.
- It’s okay to be struggling.
- It’s okay to tell people you’re struggling.
- Please tell people you’re struggling.
- Don’t suffer in silence. Tell someone. Get help.
- It’s okay to need help.
- Please get yourself help.
- You’re not the exception to recovery.
- The world is more beautiful because you’re in it.
- You’re worth it.
- You’re a good person.
- Thank you for existing.
- You’re beautiful.
- You’re not the exception to recovery.
- Please stay alive.
- If you’re looking for a sign not to kill yourself, this is it.
- Please, stay alive.
- People love you.
- I love you.
- Don’t give up.
- You’re not the exception to recovery.
- You’re not the exception to recovery.
Just wanna clear something up…
Recovering from an eating disorder is NOT synonymous with “getting fit.”
Recovery is about loving yourself for more than your body, not finding a “healthier” way to “perfect” your body.
This is something that needs to be shared. Mental disorders are serious. They aren’t something to joke about. They hurt people, they ruin lives, they are so hard. Be sensitive to other people’s struggles.
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Choose recovery today. Stop waiting to lose 5 more pounds, stop waiting to be “sicker”, stop waiting until it’s too late. You are worth recovery. You are worth taking that first step. Don’t wait.
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