So I’ve been talking to this girl for the last two weeks as of tomorrow. Like we’ve been video chatting for hours every day. She’s beautiful and musically talented and a tech nerd and this amazonian goddess and her face is just SO CUTE. We met out of nowhere in a group voice chat and just…clicked.
Since we’ve known each other, we’ve both just drastically improved each other’s lives. We’re unlearning our trauma and reassuring each other with safety and comfort. She’s given me the space and drive I need to focus more on myself again, and taught me that I’m allowed to let someone else into my space. I just…you know those people that you meet and you just click? And that feeling of safety just exists because you bond on so many levels? That safety created the space I needed to let her in and trust her. And this honestly feels terrifying to write about because I still have this feeling like I’m gonna wake up and she’ll have just been a dream but it’s been two weeks of almost non-stop talking and if anything, we’re just talking to each other more. I think…like this is new. This is uncharted territory.
The other night we were talking and it hit both of us and we were just like “Are…are we allowed to be happy? Is that a thing?”
And the answer is yes. And I like that, but it’s not something I ever thought would be possible. So it’s hard to wrap my head around.
I’m learning so much from her. I’m learning to be less ashamed of myself and of my sexuality. In fact, I’ve been exploring that way more than I ever have in my life. I’m not there yet, but I’m getting there. The realization that the surrender of control in an existential sense could have so much of a positive affect on my life is still a lot to process. I’ve been seeing this recurring theme in my life of letting yourself go into the flow of the universe. When you stop trying to control your world, when you stop seeing your identity as this rigid thing that can never change, your worldview can just…switch up. Lockdown has definitely contributed to that, too. Forced me to reassess my priorities and what was important to me. And I’ve realized that at the end of the day, I’m amazing. I’m an absolutely incredible human being and the only one in the way of actualizing that is me. My own psychological cages that I put up to keep myself in check. But I’m done with that.
I’m in metamorphosis now, due in no small part to the new babe. I’m becoming something new. I can see it happening. And I’m terrified and excited to see what emerges.
NCT’a Chenle And Renjun and their poly boyfriend moodboard!!
- Mali
P.S (a post??? Wow!!! Mali you must have risen from your grave of disappearance after 9 whole fucking years. I love you guys and I’m so soRRY IVE BEEN GONE FOR SO LONG ILY ILY ILY)
