If you ever feel like you’re bad at giving gifts, just know that I once gave my friend a gift certificate to a cheese shop for her birthday… she’s lactose intolerant
5: Mostly said to be a Stockholm thing and that times have changed since the 1980′s.
Most said you’d be served coffee and biscuit. (Notice, this is mostly the smallest of the “gifts”)
So basically, self-sufficiency was the rule prior to the famine, and the pride that includes (as noted, Sami aren’t included in this–different cultural attitude and different ethnicity.), the famine hit and instead of turning to generalized reciprocity, they turned to individualized reciprocity to try to keep with the self-sufficiency model. (See first link)
The thing is that as I’ve been taught, reciprocity creates increasing obligation and entanglement of the parties involved. You give your grandmother a gift. She feels obligated to give you a gift. If she gets you get a gift, well, then shouldn’t you also get her a gift? And sometimes that means showing each other up. (As with various redistribution ceremonies worldwide, such as Pot latch.)
The more entangled you are, the more obligation you have to be close to them over time and the more interdependent you become.
Excuse me while I pull out my Anthropology source (made easier to read by wikipedia): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Gift_(essay)
The less obligation you have, the less ties you need, but the more self-sufficient you are.
Hospitality, is generally seen as generalized reciprocity: Generalized reciprocity is the phenomenon that individuals treat others in the same way that others treated them in the past
You give to store your second hand clothes, in the hopes it will go to the community. If you’re ever in need, you might use the second hand store.
What Swedish in the example are practicing is balanced reciprocity (individual)
Balanced reciprocity obligates the recipient to return, within a specific time limit, items understood to be of equal value. When we expect that we will receive a gift of equal value from someone that we have given a gift to, that is an example of balanced reciprocity.
But it’s on the nervousness of Negative reciprocity. Negative reciprocity refers to exchanges where one party attempts to act entirely in their own self-interest in pursuit of material advantage or profit. If generalized reciprocity tips the balance in favor of selfless giving without expectation of immediate receipt, then negative reciprocity does the opposite.
So that would be the Anthropology explanation, I think. Everyone else in the world sees hospitality as generalized, not balanced, because the idea of everyone will be a traveler.
As drilled into me, hospitality in the desert is absolutely required. That person is several feet or distance of, you go and greet them, because it might mean life and death later. That’s why the story of the Good Samaritan would be so striking to desert-dwelling folks. You simply don’t refuse using your hospitality. Several stories in the Torah, Bible, Avesta, etc drill it in your head that’s simply what you do for that reason.
But I am kinda interested in this idea of cultural self-sufficiency as being a cause for thinking about hospitality as balanced rather than generalized reciprocity. ^^;; North Korea has been leaning towards such ideas, but I’ve never heard of North Korea not being polite to guests for all its foibles.
BTW, Koreans tend to be high on the generalized reciprocity list probably because of repeated poverty. The shift is painful for a lot of Koreans.
Jews probably rank slightly, a smidgen lower than that (at least US Jews). But definitely are stuff you silly types.
I gotta weigh pros &cons of getting myself little things/always feel guilty about it, but my love language is gift giving so when it comes to my friends that kind of hesitation and buyer’s remorse does not apply ever.
Hey Tumblr! Do you like giving gifts and spreading the love? Do you like getting gifts in return? Well, there is a fun little thing called Reddit Secret Santa that does this every month! I’ve been doing it for over a year now and I’m surprised at how many people still don’t know about it…
I mean, I love it when I know what to give but that’s rarely the case.
Thankfully, in fiction, character’s will like what we tell them to like. But a powerful gift within the narrative requieres a bit more than for the character to like it. So here’s a couple of ideas to help:
1.-Make it something useful. Show your character having a recurring problem, preferably something unimportant, something trivial. Don’t show them complaining, show their frustration through smaller details such as them taking a deep breath, rubbing their nose or pausing for just a second mid-task.
This shows two important details on part of the gift giver: them paying attention to notice the problem and them finding a solution.
Attentiveness plus problem solving. Meaningful no matter how minor.
2.-Make it something they like, but something they’ve bought up only passingly before. If it’s something they love and go on about, anybody could get the right gift. Make it a small detail, maybe they’re at a farm in an early chapter and the receiver mentions their favourite animal, towards the end of the book the gift givers gets a plush, a figurine or a necklace with the animal.
Same as before, attentiveness. Just make sure it doesn’t happen too soon, if the information is still fresh the reader will be like: “Well, you literally just bought that up to make this gift meaningful.” And they might be right, but give them time to forget and then be reminded and it’s like: “Oh! They remembered!”
I did a whole post dedicated to giving time for things to sit, it’s a thing.
3.-Make it hard. Hard to find. If they make it themselves, hard to make. Maybe they need to get the materials, hard to collect materials for? You ever heard of the McGuffin trope? Some people say it’s bad writing, personally, I believe it depends. But it’s the idea that the item doesn’t matter, it’s just an excuse for the actions to get it. Look at the gift like a McGuffin. But if you want it to be more meaningful, combine it with one of the previous points.
4.-Maybe the gift isn’t the important part, maybe it’s the way it’s wrapped, with her favourite colour wrapping paper, maybe it’s the hand written note with a desperate attempt at cursive because, “You’re hand writing is so pretty, I thought it must matter to you.” Perhaps it a hand-made card that goes with it. Perhaps they’re separated for a mission but the gift givers sneaks away and risks a lot to get the gift to the receiver despite it all. (This could also end in a big argument but that’s up to you).
Remember sometimes the point of a gift isn’t the gift but the situation surrounding it.
5.-Make it something important to the gift giver. This is a pretty common trope but when properly established it still gets me every time. This is the whole, “Here, take my dead mother’s necklace.” “But it means so much to you!” “But I’d rather you have it!” Trope. I’m a sucker for it.
Also, it doesn’t always have to come from the gifter. I have a scene way later on in my series where the love interest actually gives my main character something (not going to say what, that would be a spoiler) that he got from her father that once belonged ot her mother. It’s similar because the father gives it up so she can have it, but then it comes from the love interest. I’m not sure if this makes sense without context but obviously I don’t want to spoil like, final book scenes. But the idea is, there can be other characters involved in this, other than the two giver and receiver.
6.-Maybe it isn’t important, maybe it isn’t meaningful, maybe it become so over time. I have plenty of stupid bits of plastic that were given to me on a night out as a joke in between laughters, perhaps a baby Shark kinder egg or a pretty plastic ring. But then instead of getting rid of it, I put it away. I look back at it and smile remembering those nights. Something can be meaningless in the moment, but become meaningful just for staying around long enough.
Extra points if the grifter dies or otherwise leaves.
And those are my 6 tips. You can combine as you wish. Also, I used a love interest in one example, but anybody can give anybody a gift! I give gifts to my roommates, friends and family. And it’s just as important to work on the relationships that aren’t romantic as it is the romantic ones. (Unless you’re writing a romance I guess, but I only do fantasy, usually YA so, can’t really comment on that).
As usual, check out my book, stories I’ve written plus other social medias: here.
So, with christmas coming up, how’s your gift buying going? I knows it’s not that soon, but I have exams in November so I try to start really early. I have a special box where I just put things in.
EXTRA NOTE: I know, I know, I’ve been missing for a while. I’ve got one month at university and as always, exams, homework, chaos everywhere! I promise I’m still around, I promise I’ve got 18 drafts plus several lists of ideas. As soon as I have time I’ll get back into posting more often. I just have to prioritize school, work, paying for food and those good boring stuff!
Also, I’ll be putting my ebook on sale sometime this December for Christmas! So, you know, if you want a gift idea for someone who likes reading YA Fantasy with dragons, look out for that!
