Thinking about how every love song or love prose or love poem is only ever written for just one person to read.
Even if it’s published in a book or printed in a magazine or posted on a blog. Even if it generates income or has a fanbase. Even if it’s carved on a pedestal, sung in concerts.
An open letter, free for all to read, addressed to just one. Only ever truly meant for one.
Maybe a little off topic from my usual stuff, but I had to complain somewhere and its almost relevant.
So my love languages are physical touch and gift giving/recieving. I feel more wanted through the first, but I’m more comfortable with the last. Because I’m so uncomfortable with physical contact from people I don’t know I communicate through gifts.
But everywhere I look about the five languages only talk about gift recieving which makes the whole concept feel vapid. Expecting to recieve affection and never give it is always selfish. Take for example acts of service. We tend to think of this as a person doing things for us and view it as selfless, but a person with that love language wants to recieve that affection as well, and they can just as easily as any other love language take that affection for granted.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, the love language of gifts is just as much about giving as it is recieving.
Being flatmates with Malfoy was nothing like Harry expected. They were friends already, so the soft conversations over tea at three in the morning were no surprise, and neither was the grumbling over coffee not enough hours later. The quips, and Malfoy’s smell on every jumper he owned, the excessive eye-rolls and funny little squeals of excitement, all of that was familiar enough. Things he could handle. It was when he went to the kitchen one morning to find the cupboards chock-full of the biscuits he liked, that he raised an eyebrow. (“What? They were on sale” his arse.)
There was more. When he came back from Ron’s stag do to discover his bedsheets changed and his room tidied (“Merlin’s sake, I just had some free time” is apparently an explanation?). The following week, when Harry had been complaining, and suddenly the busiest black barber in town just happened to have a free appointment. (“I suppose you do get lucky after all” – yeah, not really.)
It didn’t end there. Harry’s bed was always made (“It’s called magic, look it up”) and his shirts were always ironed (“Can’t have you looking like that in front of Mother”) and his glasses always cleaned (“Just say ta and shut up, Potter”). Harry had no idea what it all meant. If it was some sort of delayed guilt reaction, or Malfoy’s way of self-fulfillment, or worse, self-punishment. Or if it was nothing at all, meant nothing. The most devastating part was how deeply ingrained Malfoy had already made himself in Harry’s life—how much he already needed him, wanted him, cared for him. Was driven absolutely mental by him—
It took a random encounter and two hours online before Harry understood the term ‘love language’. By that evening he’d cleaned up the flat, washed and hung all of Malfoy’s clothes, and restocked the fridge full of his fancy oat drink.
Then messed up the perfectly-starched bedsheets in Malfoy’s room by lying in them, bare to his boxers with his heart rampant in his throat—but when Malfoy got back from work, he didn’t seem to care. He kissed him just as fervently as he’d washed the dishes the day before: deeply, full of intent.
Being flatmates with Malfoy wasn’t quite what Harry expected; this went so wildly beyond what he could ever have hoped for. Love language, then. He couldn’t wait to become fluent.
book buying and simply strolling through a bookstore, exploring and touching your favourite books and having a faint thought of maybe buying them but realising you’re broke are two entirely different things.
For a long time I didn’t understand why I kept attracting unavailable partners. I especially didn’t understand why I was attracted to these men that were making me miserable.
In order to break a pattern, you need to become aware of it and understand why it keeps happening. Awareness is always the first step towards change.
Why do you fall for these unavailable partners?
1. To feel good about yourself:
When you are attracted to someone who isn’t willing to be all in, someone who won’t even commit to a relationship, it is likely you’re trying to convince them to love you.
This person is basically saying they only want a part of you and therefore they are rejecting the rest of you. You want nothing more than for them to call you up and say: “I’ve seen the light, I’m all in, let’s make babies”. You think that if this were to ever happen it would PROVE that you are good enough, it would mean you are lovable and worthy. You will have finally found someone who wants to love you despite all your (self-perceived) flaws.
What you are actually looking for, your “end goal”, is to feel good about yourself. You crave to feel completely accepted.
2. You reject your own needs:
The way you judge yourself is also how you judge other people. For a long time I thought being strong meant not needing people, and so I rejected my own need for love and intimacy. When I met men that showed me their need for love and affection I would get turned off. Needs equaled weakness to me. I couldn’t accept their needs, since I wouldn’t accept my own. Consequently, I was only attracted to men who didn’t need me and were not emotionally invested in the relationship.
Think about how you have been judging yourself and which of your needs you’ve been rejecting. It can be helpful to examine what turns you off in a partner.
3. You have linked love to pain:
Ever since my really painful breakup I keep meeting unavailable men. I now realize that I might be unavailable myself. Subconsciously I have linked relationships to intense pain. And even though I say I want a relationship, my subconscious is avoiding love like the plague. Your subconscious is trying to look out for you and guide you in the direction of pleasure instead of pain. All of the decisions we make in life are to gain pleasure or to avoid pain.
Maybe your last relationship was really painful? Perhaps your partner hurt you really bad? As a result, you now have this subconscious belief that people will hurt you and that relationships equal pain. A lot of the beliefs we have about life are subconscious. It’s very important to become aware of these beliefs in order to be able to break these toxic patterns.
How can you break the pattern?
1. Cut out the middleman:
You think by convincing someone to love you, you will prove that you are worthy and finally be able to feel good about yourself. However, this other person is only the middleman, you don’t need them to feel good about yourself. Instead focus on accepting who you truly are and love this person. Make this your goal instead of waiting for someone else to be convinced of your worth. Remember that we attract the love we think we deserve. The world is always mirroring our inner world. If you only accept some parts of yourself, you will continue to attract partners that only accept and want some parts of you.
“Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.”― Iyanla Vanzant
2. What language do you speak:
According to counselor Gary chapman there are 5 love languages, basically these are the 5 ways that people speak and understand love.
Words of Affirmation: You want your partner to use their words to express love, affection and appreciation
Acts of Service: You like partners who show their love with their actions
Receiving Gifts: You feel most loved when your partner gives you gifts as an expression of their love
Quality Time: You want your partner to show their love with undivided attention.
Physical Touch: Your enjoy affection through physical touch
I have realized for example that I feel most loved when my partner is physically affectionate, he uses words to express his love and we spend a lot of time together. What are your love needs, when do you feel most loved? Be honest about what you want, don’t be ashamed of your needs.
Finally commit to a partner that uses the same love language, or someone who is willing to learn your love language.
3. Get yourself a new mirror:
When someone truly isn’t willing or ready to commit, pretty much nothing you do will change their mind. This is because it really isn’t about you. You are both each other’s mirror. This means that if he doesn’t accept himself completely, he will not be able to love all of you. This person isn’t in a place to give and receive the kind of love you want. This is all about the relationship they have with themselves.
If you want to meet someone who is truly available and ready to commit, you need to become that type of person yourself. Be the type of person you want to attract and you will see a different image in your world mirror.
“It is not possible to love someone enough to get them to stop hating, and being unavailable, to them self.”― Robert Burney
4. Invest wisely:
In order to really break this pattern you need to take action. The next time you meet someone, be aware of this person’s intentions. What are they looking for? If you are looking for a commitment and all the signs are showing you that this person isn’t looking for the same thing, you need to cut contact. Immediately. Let them know that you are in different places right now, otherwise you risk becoming emotionally invested. And once that happens you will find yourself living in hope land again.
Also, instead of listening to what they tell you, look at what they show you. Actions scream what words hide. If someone talks about wanting a relationship, but then disappears for 3 days, it’s obvious this person is not genuine.
It all comes down to getting to know yourself. Learn to accept who you are, you don’t need anyone else’s approval to be yourself. And realize that you deserve to experience whatever you desire. I am currently also still in the process of learning to value and truly love myself. And I also realize that things don’t always work out according to our time schedule. Sometimes the universe has a different plan for our lives and all we can do is have faith and let go of desiring a specific outcome.
day 23! is there anything more romantic than a handwritten letter? as someone whose love language is the written word, the act of gifting a loved one a letter is a concept so tender. one of my friends gave me a love letter and i cried when reading it. the brainrot is thatbad.
GO HOME, GET AHEAD, LIGHT SPEED INTERNET I DON’T WANNA TALK ABOUT THE WAY IT WAS LEAVE AMERICA, TWO KIDS FOLLOW HER I DON’T WANNA TALK ABOUT WHOS DOIN’ IT FIRST
