I thought this idea up more than a year ago when I was still unsure about the fate of my Warden, and after listening/crying to Lemony Snicket’s The Beatrice Letters, I kinda had to merge the two together. It was also a good practice study for Alistair’s face even though it took a year+ for me to actually finish the whole thing.
warnings:blood, some cursing, injury, kisses, fluff, being jumped by guards (?)
a/n:this was another one that was originally split into 3 parts here, but i’ve put them together here to make for easier reading! :) + you are the equivalent of Alby in this - first in command of the girls maze/glade.
This was written a while ago, so sorry if it’s shitty lmao
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[Part 1] (first gif)
A boy comes up in the box with a note. You help him…
“It’sa boy.”
“What?” You step forward, looking down into the box. “How?”
“I don’t know,” Sonya replies. “Who’s gonna get him, though?”
“I will.” You jump down, landing perfectly and with ease. You kneel down next to the boy and notice something in his hand. Carefully, you pull it out and then look up in shock. The rest of the girls look confused.
“What is it?” One of them asks.
“It says..” You take a small breath. “It says… ‘he’s the last one… ever’.”
–
Later that night, Harriet walks quickly out of the medical hut. “He’s awake, Y/N. Says his name is Aris. But he’s confused and upset. We’re finding it hard to keep him calm.”
“Alright. Let’s go then.”
We make our way back to the hut. I walk in and see Aris sitting up with crossed legs. He looks so scared, and I feel instantly guilty. One of the med jacks speaks up. “He won’t keep still. Keeps tryna get outta here.”
I push open the door. “Let go.”
“What? Y/N, What if he runs-”
“You heard. Let the boy go! He’s scared, and he needs to know he’s not our prisoner here. Come on, Aris.”
The girls step back, and Aris stands up. I gesture for him to follow me out of the hut, and he does. The second we are out, he does as I expected since seeing him: he runs.
“Hey!” I quickly catch up to him, getting ahead and stopping him with my hand landing hard against his chest. “You don’t wanna do that.”
“What is this place? Am I trapped? What’s that?” He points to the doors of the Maze.
“So many questions, greenie. All will be answered, I promise you.”
“When? I don’t understand. Why can I only remember my name… n-nothing else.”
“Listen,” I sigh. “It happens to everyone. None of us can remember anything. But, as I said, answers will come later. For now, all you need to know is that you are safe. As safe as you can be… for now.”
Aris looks up finally, frowning at me. “For now?”
“Yes.” I put a hand on his shoulder and meet his eyes. “Because I’m working on getting us out of here. And I will.”
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[Part 2] (second gif)
After escaping the Maze with Aris, as you promised,you get separated…
Arislooks at you from across the dining table. You smile in reply to his worried expression. You reach over and place your hand on the table. He follows, placing his on top of yours. “We’re gonna be fine, A. We made it out.”
“I know, I just…” He whispers, pulling down his hood farther. “I don’t trust this place.”
“Me either, not completely… but we have food, clean clothes, showers, it’s-”
“Y/N.” You jump, looking for the source of the voice calling your name.
“No.” Aris leans forward, slightly bending over the table. “Don’t go with them. Please, there’s something wrong here.”
“Y/N!?” You look in the direction the voice comes from, realising that it’s Janson. “Is she here?”
You stand up slowly, shaking. “Yes..”
“Come on up here.” You stay still, looking back at Aris again, unsure and scared. He shakes his head.
Your heart rate picks up as you look around at the other teenagers who all stare at you with jealous looks. Most of them are convinced that they are here to be saved, to be taken 'home.’ You glance around for exits, but every single one is guarded by two or three armed men. You feel the tears begin to well in your eyes as your hand clutches Aris’s tighter.
Then suddenly, you are jolted forward by two pairs of arms on either side of you. You glance at the two guards who start forcing you forward.
“No! Y/N!”
“Aris! Aris!” You yell.
The force they pull you along with convinces you that they are not good people. Your arms are being practically crushed by the guards’ grip on you, and they don’t even notice your tears or shouts of pain. “Where are you taking me!?”
“Move!”
–
You follow behind a line of boys and girls. Each one disappears behind a curtain and then doesn’t come back. The line gets smaller and smaller, and you start to panic. Then one of the guards grabs you and pulls you aside. They turn you around quickly, clamping a hand over your mouth. You scream when the guard places a sharp object against the skin of your arm and slices long, jagged cuts into it. He then shoves you forward into view and gestures to another guard. "This one is injured. I’m taking her to get stitched up first.”
“Right. Be prompt.” A woman in a lab coat says.
The guard then takes you out into the corridor. You start kicking again. “Let go of me! Let go! Asshole, let me go!”
“Shh! Shh!” The guard pulls down their mask. It’s a woman, with black braided hair. “I’m here to help you. I’m with the Right Arm.”
“Help me!?” You show your bleeding arm, the red substance dripping along your skin and onto the floor. “You cut me!”
“To buy time. So come on, let’s go. Now.”
“How can I trust you!?”
She quickly reaches into her pocket, pulling out a rag and swiftly wrapping your wound. She ties a knot, causing you to hiss as the action makes the injury sting. “Follow me, and you will trust me. I promise.” You both start to run, the woman helping you along.
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[Part 3] (third gif)
Reuniting with Aris in the Scorch…
You gasp as you see him. He stares at you, standing between two taller boys, completely taken aback. “Y/N!”
“Aris!”
“Y/N? H-how?”
“Just come here!” You open your arms. Aris pushes through the boys, wrapping you in a hug. You cradle the back of his head, holding him as close as possible and planting a kiss on his cheek as you break away, one hand moving to cup his jaw. “I can’t believe it.”
“Me either. And you look so different.”
You glance down at yourself. Your hair is braided on one side, and it’s cut slightly shorter. You wear bottoms that have mismatched colour patches sewn into them. A scarf sits tightly, but not too much so, around your neck. “Not really. Just dirtier clothes.”
Aris chuckles lightly, his eyes flickering up and down your form. You could almost swear that you catch him blushing. “Can we- uh..”
“Yeah, let’s go catch up.”
–
“Comfy enough spot right here, I think.” You sit together in front of a fire. “So, who are the other guys?”
“Uh, there’s Frypan, Newt, the girl is called Teresa, and then there’s Thomas, their kind of leader." You rub your hands together, warming them up. "He was the one who I talked to about not trusting that place. I told him about you and how you just… disappeared after they called your name. Then… he helped me get out.”
“Oh, so I suppose I should thank this Tommy for that later then.”
Aris looks up. “Why?”
“Why? We might have never seen each other again if he didn’t help you. And I missed you, A.”
“I missed you too. How’d you get out anyway?”
You chuckle, remembering. “There was a guard there who wasn't really a guard. She actually pulled a damn knife out and cut me… to buy us some time, and then we ran for it. She was a member of the Right Arm. They have groups who go in and try to get kids out… every now and then.”
You pull up your sleeve, revealing a few jagged, raised scars. “Harriet left some ugly ass marks. I would be mad about it, but she saved my life, so.”
Aris lightly touches one of the scars and then traces it with his fingertips. He moves up and up until his hand sits atop yours. You squeeze it, holding his hand. “I’m sorry I didn’t come back to you. We.. we didn’t have time. I wanted to, though. I kept asking, but it got too dangerous.”
“That’s okay, as long as you were safe. Thomas and his group helped me. It was a long journey, but we got here eventually.”
“I had no doubt that you could make it out… through the Scorch and…” Your voice lowers on the next words, “back to me.”
Aris smiles shyly. “I don’t know. I had a lot of help-.”
“No.” You interrupt him. “I always knew you were tough. Right from when you ran out of the med-hut that day.”
Aris turns shy, looking at his feet. “It kept me going. Thinking about the possibility that you could’ve gotten out. Or that if you didn’t… I needed to as a way of thanks for everything you’ve done for me.”
“A… I…”
“What?” He looks up again, and when your gazes meet, you can see the reflection of the fire in his kind eyes. He walks his hand over to yours, which lies flat against the ground and covers it, instantly making you feel warm and fuzzy inside. “Y/N, what?”
“I just, um- I think…”
“What?”
You sigh loudly. You are never the type to be at a loss for words. So instead, you dive into action, pushing yourself onto your knees and taking Aris’s face into your hands. You pause an inch away and feel him nod as his eyes flutter closed. The next thing you know, your lips are against his, delicate and sweet. “That…” You mutter when you pull away, cheeks hot.
“Oh.” Aris says, “well… that was nice. Thank you.”
“Yeah. Uh…” You nod before you both burst into a fit of laughter. Eventually, you both close the gap once again. You sink into each other’s embrace before falling asleep in front of the crackling fire.
a/n: i got yelled at for this one on wattpad, lmao. sorry!
Harry hits the ground with your body in his arms. His grip on you doesn’t loosen even a little. The cheers of your fellow students slowly die down.
Suddenly, a girl screams, deafeningly loud. Celebrations turn to whispered voices of worry, confusion, and shock.
“What’s going on?”
“A student has died.”
“What happened?”
“Is that- is that Y/N?”
Dumbledore rushes over to Harry’s side. He attempts to pull him away from your still-warm skinned body.
“No! No!” Harry screams, refusing to let go.
Dumbledore stops trying and, instead, kneels by Harry’s side.
“S/he asked me to bring her/his body back! I couldn’t leave her/him. Not there. S-S/he died for me. If it wasn’t for Y/N, I-”
Dumbledore strokes a hand over Harry’s hair, attempting to soothe his pain. “It’s alright, Harry. I understand. S/he’s home. You both are.”
“Y/N..” Harry continues to cry as friends and teachers gather around the harrowing scene.
Dumbledore gently closes your eyes, one hand still resting on your shoulder afterward. And several minutes later, Harry is finally coaxed away from your lifeless form. But not before he kisses your cheek, whispering, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Th-thank you. I’ll never forget.”
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Taglist: (lmk if you wanna be tagged in future harry potter ficlets) @jiaraendgame
A/N: Hi everyone! This one shot is set post-s8 of Voltron, though I refuse to have Allura and Lotor die so you could say it’s an AU??? Also, writing a character with [y/n] instead of a character’s name just puts my writing off, so I named my character Victoria (nicknamed Tori sometimes), so feel free to replace that name in your head with any name you want! Oh and there are two bonuses in the end, I hope you will like it!
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The universe had been at peace for seven years, but a new threat emerged, Haggar the witch’s druids that had come together to undermine Lotor and Allura’s authority as King and Queen of New Altea and the Galra Empire and try to disrupt our freedom. We had thought the druids had disappeared after the Blades of Marmora, led by Kolivan, attacked the planet on which they were hiding during the three years during which Voltron – the Paladins, Coran, Romelle, Krolia and I – had vanished after sealing the quintessence field and leaving Lotor there (the story of how we reconciled with Lotor after he went bonkers in the quintessence field and how he and Allura got married is a very interesting story for another day.). One druid, disguised himself as a peaceful survival of that planet, told us so before revealing himself to us and trying to kill us. When we defeated him, we were certain the druids were no longer a threat for the universe; alas, how wrong were we.
When Allura and Lotor called team Voltron back to a brand new Castle of Lions that Coran, Pidge’s father, Sam Holt, and Lotor had built, we all had lives of our own and never expected to be back to space to defend the universe again. Shiro and I, now respectively Commander and Vice Admiral, were running the Galaxy Garrison alongside Iverson, who became Admiral, and had gotten married two years prior; we helped Pidge and Lance, engaged for six months, as well as their families – Pidge’s mother, brother and father were running the labs, Lance’s sister, Veronica, was still the communication director, and their little sister Rachel had enrolled as a cadet a year prior – to run and develop the new Garrison Defenders of the Universe program. Keith was mostly off world, leading the Blades of Marmora into its new humanitarian purpose alongside his mother and father-in-law – Krolia and Kolivan had tied the knot three years before Shiro and I did and the three of them were a very cute, loving family. Hunk was taking his new role of universal diplomat very seriously and he and his chefs team were uniting the universe with food. Allura was obviously married to Lotor and they ruled New Altea and the brand new Galra Empire under the principles of transparency, unity and peace, with the useful advices from Coran, Romelle, and Lotor’s former generals, Axca, Zethrid and Ezor.
So when we all boarded the Castle of Lions, it felt very strange to leave our ordinary lives. Everything was the same from the old days of defending the universe, except for the fact that Romelle, Kolivan, Lotor and Krolia were now permanent occupants of the castleship. Since Allura was pregnant of her first imperial baby, Lotor refused she risked her life on the front line of battle, thus reversing the lions setting back to what it used to be when we first went to space aboard of the Blue Lion: Pidge stayed the Green Paladin, Hunk remained the Yellow one, Lance got back into the Blue Lion, Keith was the Red Paladin over again, and Shiro of course formed the head of Voltron with the Black Lion. As for me, I was still firing weapons from the Castle with Coran, and was occasionally piloting one of Lotor’s Sincline ships alongside Krolia and Kolivan when the Paladins needed backup.
Our mission was to eliminate the threat the druids posed and free the planets they had enslaved. When we first thought it was only going to take us a couple months, after discovering the amount of druids we had to fight, we understood it would likely take more than just a month or two. My anxiety started to rise again as I watched the Paladins risk their lives out there, and it was not a pleasant feeling that I had hoped would never be back. It was ten times more amplified now that Shiro and I had shared seven years living together in a peaceful universe, including two married ones. My fears of never seeing him coming back to me had never been that bad, and my nightmares of seeing him die without being able to do a thing to save him had unfortunately returned. Almost every night, I woke up screaming and crying from the sight of his lifeless body in my dreams; Shiro did his best to reassure me, but I had a gut feeling that told me something was going to go really wrong one day.
“Don’t worry, Mrs., I’ll always come back safe to you. I have in the past, haven’t I? Zarkon killing me and then being replaced by a clone that itself died was not enough to keep me away from you.” He kept saying every single time he had to go out there with the Paladins and I had to stay in the Castle.
“All the same, be careful. If you die out there, I swear I will kill you.” I always replied, faking being reassured but feeling very anxious.
My gut feelings were proven wrong every time so far, Shiro always came back to me safe and sound. Until that day. It had been seven months that we had left our peaceful ordinary lives, and we were finally about to finish what we started. Thanks to some Coalition intelligence, we knew where the druids’ secret lair was, on Planet Daibazaal, Lotor’s birthplace. The planet, along with Olkarion and New Altea, had been restored in our reality when Honerva – formerly Haggar the witch – sacrificed herself to restore all the realities she destroyed after Lotor finally forgave her for all her mistakes and asked her, on their lost mother-son relationship, to do the right thing. When Lotor took the oath of Emperor of the Galra Empire, he was certain peace had reached the entire universe, including Daibazaal, but he did not know that the druids had come back and built secret headquarters near the trans-reality rift on the planet. As Lotor, Krolia and Kolivan knew the place very well, it was agreed that we would not need any Voltron Coalition backup, even if I was the only one to think it was the worst idea ever. The plan was simple: we would leave the Castle near the imperial palace, where Allura and her big baby bump would be safe – Romelle, Coran and Lotor would stay with her, but would stand ready to come in as a backup if necessary, and Voltron would approach, cloaked. We needed to get rid of the druids and their headquarters without exploding the planet, so we needed to upload a computer virus created by Pidge and Hunk in the building so that the explosion would be contained there. Krolia and Kolivan were to lead Pidge to the computers, while Shiro, Keith, Lance, Hunk and I would make sure that no druid was alerted while installing the explosives. Then, once the explosives and the virus were settled, we would have ten minutes to leave, flying Voltron out of the explosion zone back to the imperial palace. We thought the plan was flawless, because, even if one of us got injured, we had the best doctors of the Galra Empire in the palace to take care of us.
Except, the plan had one flaw, one flaw that made it crumble completely and made us improvise: the druids had been tipped off by someone from the palace and were waiting for us when we landed. Their magic was very dangerous, more dangerous than any weapon we knew. That magic almost killed Shiro a few years back after a fight he had with Haggar, but he was saved because we had put him in the healing pod right in time before the wound became critical; Keith too had been the victim of that magic when we were researching what the Galra were up to, and he would have lost his hand, had it not been for pure quintessence flowing by accident on his hand to heal it. That magic was a disaster on us a decade ago; but since the druids had been hiding, they had time to perfect their spells and make them even more dangerous.
“Try to evade their hits as much as you can guys! Do not let the blast touch you or you might not survive it!” Keith yelled as he, back to back with Hunk, Lance Shiro and I, was trying to hold off a bunch of druids while Kolivan, Krolia and Pidge ran to the center command where the computers would be.
“We will never be able to hold them off and install the explosives!” I replied, trying to slice a druid with my Altean broadsword as the druid just disappeared and evaded my attempt to reappear a few meters further.
“We’ll have to split! Victoria, Keith and Hunk, you go install the explosives, while Lance and I hold them off as much as we can!” Shiro ordered, lifting his wrist shield to protect us. “Now go! We’ll provide you with some cover!”
“Takashi–” I started, anxiety at its peak as he was once more on a way more dangerous mission than I was.
“Victoria, just GO!” He cut me off. “I know you’re technically my superior officer, but you have to go now, so we can end this and go back home to our peaceful married life.”
“I… Be careful.” I said after a silence, and I ran to follow Keith and Hunk, who were way ahead of me already.
I looked up one last time, my guts telling me how wrong it was to leave my husband there, and I saw Lance and him blasting the druids. I ran and joined Hunk and Keith in the heat room, where the explosives would propagate once fired through the entire base but would be contained thanks to Pidge’s virus, as it closed all exits made of Kryptanium, a metal that would contain the druids from teleporting out of there. We started installing the explosives in silence, but soon we were joined by druids who escaped Shiro and Lance’s surveillance. Keith told me to keep working and he and Hunk tried their best to protect me. As I was doing my job, I realised the heating room was not a good enough combustible for the bombs, and I still had some spare in my bag; another good place for the explosives to burn the whole place down and the druids with it was where their ships were, in the hangars. Wrist shield and sword up, the bag on my back, I ran to the hangars.
“Where are you going??!!!” Keith yelled.
“To the hangars! If we explode the ships the base will truly burn entirely and faster!” I replied.
“Victoria, NO, not without cover!” Hunk said.
“There is no time!!! Hold them off here so they don’t remove the explosives while I go there to install my spare!” I retorted, leaving for good this time.
Through my comms, I heard Keith swearing and he warned everyone else about my improvised plan, so that someone could reach me in time to provide me with some protection support. I reached the hangars without meeting any druids, I thought they were all focusing on the heating room, the lobby where Shiro and Lance were and probably the center command, so nobody would suspect I would be here trying to blow their ships up. I started getting to work, and I was just done when I heard the noise of a druid appearing behind me. The sound of their magical blast could also be heard, and I knew it was a matter of seconds before I got hit. Running for cover was pointless, the druid would hit me before I could hide behind a ship. I knew it was the end. I had no idea whether the hit was going to be lethal or almost so that I could be brought back to the imperial palace to be patched up. Either way, I braced myself. My last thought was for my husband, thinking of how much I loved him and how much I wished I had not been so tired and sick lately to fully enjoy our days off together. As I closed my eyes, ready to get hit by the druid’s magical blast, I heard the voice of Shiro behind me:
“Victoria, NO!!!!!"
I turned around and saw with horror that Shiro had thrown himself right before me and got hit by the druid’s blast for me. I screamed so loudly on a high pitch tone. My heart had skipped a heartbeat and was now racing so fast. I was fueled up with anger. In a fraction of second, before the druid could disappear or even throw another blast at me, I threw my sword violently with a scream of pure rage, and the druid was impaled on my blade, breathing its last breath while I was running down to Shiro, goraning of pain on the floor.
"Takashi! Oh my God, no, don’t you dare dying on me right here! We need to get out of this place!!!” I said, tears streaming down my face.
“C-can’t stand…” Shiro managed to stay, trying his best to stay awake.
“Help! Anyone!!! Somebody, please!” I yelled in the comms, hoping for someone to respond.
A few seconds later, Keith arrived, followed by the others, all of them widening. They ran to us and Lance helped me to get up, while Kolivan was carrying Shiro on his shoulders. We ran to the exit, Pidge, Hunk, Krolia and Lance giving us some cover so that we could run to Voltron outside of the base. We had less than ten minutes since Pidge activated the virus and the explosives before everyone joined Shiro and I in the hangars, and we needed to get out of the base and fly as far away as we could very fast not to be affected by the explosion. It was not an easy job when we had one man down and hundreds of druids pursuing us, but we eventually made it out right before the doors closed – the druids pursuing us could no longer follow us outside, and we ran to Voltron.
“We don’t have Allura with us, and we have less than three minutes before the explosion blasts. How are we going to pilot the Black Lion? Shiro is in no shape to pilot it.” Hunk asked, as we entered the mighty robot.
“Victoria, you’re our only chance to get out of here in one piece.” Lance said to me in the comms, as Kolivan followed me in the cockpit of Black, Shiro on his shoulder.
“Me??! I can't–” I protested.
“You have to. We need to get Shiro as fast as we can to the imperial palace.” Krolia encouraged me from the Red Lion, where she was with her son.
“Remember when Shiro disappeared after he got his bayard back from Zarkon, and we all had to go inside Black to try to see if it chose us as its Black Paladin. I was chosen, but you woke up Black for a second. You almost became its Paladin. You can do it. You’re a great pilot, I’ve seen your agility in the Sincline ship, you are a born leader, you’re the youngest Vice Admiral in the history of the Galaxy Garrison, you’re the Vice Captain of the IGF-Atlas, you are Shiro’s wife and natural successor. I believe in you.” Keith said.
“You are his natural successor. You were the Black Paladin when Allura still could pilot the Blue Lion. You are meant to pilot it. Not me.” I said, looking down.
“Victoria… S-save me…” Shiro’s faint voice resonated like a bomb in the cockpit.
I frowned, not convinced, but his plight touched me deeply in the heart, and I decided to try. I sat down in the seat in front of the commands, grabbed them and, before I closed my eyes to connect with Black, I told Kolivan:
“Keep him awake.”
Kolivan nodded and I tried to connect with the Black Lion. I begged it in my mind and heart to trust me to be its pilot so that I could save my husband. It did not take long for it to wake up and connect with me. We only had one minute left to fly as far as we could.
“We need the super thrusters, now!” I ordered, and Lance and Hunk activated them.
We flew as fast as we could, and suddenly we heard and felt the blast of the explosion, propulsating us further. We looked back and noticed with satisfaction that we had gotten out of there victorious. It was only Shiro’s groan of pain that reminded us that we needed to get to the imperial palace as fast as we could. We flew back there, disbanded and landed near the main entrance. Kolivan carried Shiro inside, where Lotor, Allura, Coran and Romelle were waiting for us, all of us on his tail.
“Take them to the med bay now!” Lotor ordered sentries.
The sentries led us to the med bay, and the doctors took him in, leaving us in the waiting room. I was frantic. They had been locked in with my husband for an hour or so, and I was not allowed inside as long as they were performing surgery on him. I was turning around in circle, so anxious. Everyone but Keith – leaning against a wall with his arms crossed, a look of concern on his face – and I were sat down, patiently waiting for the surgeons to come out and give us some news. It was a nightmare to be waiting there.
At last, the doors opened and revealed the head surgeon. He looked at Lotor with a grim look, and the latter sighed, but I could tell it was not relief. They spoke in a language I could not understand and then the doctor left. Frowning and panicking, I asked:
“What did he say??? What’s going on? Lotor, you have to tell me!"
"He… I’m sorry, Victoria. They did what they could to remove the magic, but… He thought you would take the news better if it came from me. Shiro is awake, but I’m afraid this won’t last.” Lotor said with a sorrowful but soft voice, his eyes looking down.
“No! No, no, no, no! No!!!” I exclaimed, my eyes filling themselves with tears, my heart feeling like it tore itself apart.
“You should go see him.” Allura encouraged me with a shaking voice.
I took a deep breath and pushed the doors, shaking. Shiro was on a bed, looking weak. His breathing was slow and effortful, I could hear it. I came closer, trying to stay up, and grabbed his hand. He opened his eyes and managed to say:
“Tori… I… ”
“I’m here,” I sobbed. “I’m right beside you, my angel.”
“Listen… We don’t have much time left. I-I love y-you, okay? I will always love you. I just wish I married you s-sooner. Two years… as your husband were not e-enough… But they were the b-best I have ever l-lived.” He said weakly.
“I can’t lose you. I just can't… It’s too hard.” I replied, my sobs intensifying.
“You have to. I’ll watch over you from the stars… But you have to move o-on. Don’t let my d-death ruin your life. Find s-someone… someone you can love and be happy w-with. You deserve so much… You deserve to be happy."
"Why did you… why did you throw yourself in front of the blast? You knew it might be lethal…” I asked, feeling angry at myself.
“I couldn’t let you… die.” He replied with a faint smile.
“But now you…” I said, unable to finish my sentence, my voice feeling strangled in my throat.
“I’ve had so many second chances. I was supposed to die a year after the K-Kerberos mission… My tumour… I had a life deferment when the Galra replaced my arm with a prosthetic. And then… Then, I met you, and I had another second chance when Allura put my consciousness in my clone’s body. I had two chances to live a life with you… And I did. I have no regrets. Part of the journey is the end, sweetheart… My end has come."
"No… Don’t leave me like this!!!"
"Victoria Shirogane… I… ”
Shiro did not finish his sentence. His heart had stopped beating, and my heart felt like stopped beating as well. I let out a strangled cry of sorrow, the most painful to hear. Keith, Lance, Pidge, Hunk, Lotor, Allura, Coran, Romelle, Kolivan and Krolia entered the room, and gasped, let a sob go or sniffed as they realised Shiro was dead. Keith, his face soaked with his tears, came closer and embraced me in order to comfort me and to make me let go on Shiro’s hand.
“Victoria, you have to let go now… He’s gone.” He said with a shaking voice.
“No, no, no, no, he has to wake up!!! I can’t live without him!!! I need him!!!” I yelled, struggling to push Keith away.
“I know… I know… But you need to let go of his hand.” He replied, struggling too to keep me in his arms and to remove me from my late husband. “I need help.” He added to the others.
I felt more hands on my shoulder and two, that I identified as Lance’s, trying to remove Shiro’s hand from mine. I screamed, struggling, but they were all stronger than I was. Keith, Lance and Krolia dragged me away from the room, while Lotor closed Shiro’s eyes. They took me to an empty room, and let me go. I kept screaming, and I fell on my knees, feeling like my whole world had collapsed. It hurt so much, my heart was torn to pieces, it felt like part of me had been ripped off my being. I could not stop crying, and Keith tried to get me up, muttering words of comfort and how I needed to be strong, thus standing up. I stopped struggling this time as he touched me, but my knees felt weak. He supported me, hugging me in comfort, until I was more or less myself again. Keith brought me back to my room in the Castle, as I needed to rest, and we needed to take off to get back to Earth. I knew Lotor had prepared a coffin for Shiro’s body, since we needed to bring him back home, and when Keith realised I could not stay alone in my room, he asked Lotor to help the rest of the Paladins, Coran and Allura to pilot the Castle back to Earth.
When the wormhole appeared on top of Earth, we entered the atmosphere, and we landed on the parking space for the Castle, the Garisson had already alerted everyone and a crowd was chanting in victory outside. A red carpet was displayed from the entrance of the Castle to where Iverson, Sam Holt and the rest of the Garrison crew were waiting. The Paladins and I led the way out, followed by Allura, Romelle, and the coffin of Shiro that Lotor, Kolivan, Coran and Krolia were carrying. As soon as the crowd saw that there were four Paladins and not five, and that a coffin was following us, the chanting stopped to be replaced by gasps, screams and loud sobs. My own tears were menacing to fall down, and I felt like I could not stand up anymore, so Keith, who was walking by my side, supported me so that I would keep walking. Iverson ordered that Shiro’s body was cremated as his last wishes indicated so on a paper we all filled up before leaving Earth just in case. We entered the base, and had to get ready for the ceremony honouring my late husband in front of the Wall of the Fallen.
In our offices, we all had emergency mourning uniforms, and we got dressed appropriately. Iverson’s organisation skills for this type of sorrowful event was impeccable and very quick; therefore, two hours after our landing, we were all seated in front of the Wall of the Fallen, where I would be revealing Shiro’s Plaque of Honour, as I was family. I was seated in the front row with the Paladins, Lotor, Allura, Romelle, Coran, Kolivan and Krolia, and I tried so hard to stay strong because of the base’s protocol. Iverson was on stage and started praising Shiro’s accomplishments:
“Commander Takashi Shirogane was a soldier of exception. The youngest lieutenant in the history of the Galaxy Garrison, he broke all the flying records, and became the best fighter pilot we have ever seen in generations. Although he was hard headed when it came to certain decisions,” Iverson looked at Keith for a moment before keeping going, and we all knew it was a reference to the fact that Shiro had insisted and vouched for Keith to enroll at the Garrison years back against all his superior officers’ advices, “his judgement always proved to be right and it is with regrets that we lose today such a great man, a war hero.”
Everyone applauded when Iverson finished his speech, and he called for me to come on stage to unveil the Plaque of Honour and to deliver a speech, as both Shiro’s superior officer and wife. I stood up, and walked slowly to the stage, feeling nauseous and weak. I unveiled Shiro’s Plaque of Honour, noting with sadness that it was placed next to the plaque of Shiro’s late former fiancé, Adam Whitehall, that died years back fighting against Sendak’s Galra faction, the Fire of Purification, as it had invaded Earth while The Paladins, Romelle and I were trying to come back to Earth. Then, tears streaming down my face, I came closer to the microphone and started my speech:
“Like Admiral Iverson said, Takashi Shirogane was a man of exception. His military accomplishments at the Galaxy Garrison inspired many of us to enroll and try to make a difference, myself included, though I never had the pleasure of meeting him in person before he went on the Kerberos mission. When my fellow Defenders of the Universe broke him out of the Garrison, I only followed because I was curious about what they were up to, and also curious to see how my hero was in real life. I had heard a lot of stories about him, and I wanted to see for myself what he really was about. When Queen Allura of New Altea and her royal advisor Coran discovered I was a clandestine passenger in the Castle of Lions, Takashi Shirogane was the one to vouch for me so I could stay and try to help the cause. From then, my safety and happiness were his top priority. Fighting to defend the universe from evil by his side was the greatest privilege and honour I ever had in my entire life. He taught me so much being my teammate, best friend, and later boyfriend. He is the reason why I am the woman and officer I am today. He always encouraged me to do great things. That did not stop once we were back from space seven years ago. Getting to be his wife two years ago was the best thing that happened to me. I loved him so much… he was so much more than a soldier and man of exception, he was my husband and the person I most love. Before his death, he told me not to let his death ruin my life. He told me to move on and find someone to be happy with. The truth is… I don’t think I will ever love someone the way I loved him. He was the only one I ever wanted to spend the rest of my life with. His death is the hardest thing I ever had to see happen. He died a hero, just like he lived a hero. As we were trying to finally end the threat to our peaceful universe, he protected me from getting killed. He took the blast for me. He took the blast knowing he might not survive it, but being assured that doing so would not only save me but also save the universe from another evil and make sure that our efforts to end it were not vain. He was not just a soldier or a man of exception, nor just a best friend and husband of exception, but he was a hero of exception. Thank you.”
Everyone clapped and I dispersed Shiro’s ashes in the cherry blossom tree soil as indicated by his last will paperwork. Then, I started walking back to my seat. My knees were weaker and weaker, and my vision, first blurred from crying, was now fading to black. I felt dizzy and nauseous, and the last thing I saw was Keith standing up to catch me before I fell on the floor. When I opened my eyes next, I was not next to the Wall of the Fallen anymore, but in the Garrison’s hospital wing with its beige ceiling and walls. A machine was beeping next to me to indicate my heartbeat, and I heard Keith’s voice saying:
“Oh my God Victoria thank the ancients you’re awake!”
“What happened…?” I asked with a strangled voice.
“We were about to close the ceremony and you were walking back to your seat when you fainted. We’re all so worried. The doctors ran some tests while you were unconscious, but they haven’t come back to tell me what’s going on.”
“Where… where are the others?”
“Outside, waiting to see you. The doctors said we could only visit you one at a time, which I called bullshit, because the last time we were all in here, they let more than one person inside the room.”
I did not have time to reply that the doctor came in with a folder in his hands. Keith turned to him and asked:
“Doctor! Do you have the results of your tests?”
“Yes, Lieutenant Kogane, I do. Vice Admiral Shirogane, welcome back! How are you feeling?” The doctor responded, and I pulled a face, being reminded that I was a widow by calling me that way, while Keith gave a death glare to the doctor for being tactless.
“Emotionally drained and completely exhausted.” I replied darkly, trying to contain my tears.
“Yes, yes, it is understandable, I am so sorry for your loss, ma’am. But… well, there is another reason why you feel exhausted, I’m afraid.”
“What do you mean?” Keith asked, worried.
“As you know, we ran some tests, most of them being very common to all our patients, to determine whether or not we need to run more specific tests.”
“Yes, and???” Keith insisted.
“The good news is we do not need to run some more tests on you, ma’am. On the other hand… I would usually call this a good news but given what just happened…”
“What is it?” I asked.
“You are pregnant, ma’am.” The doctor declared.
I widened, then tears started to fall down silently as I realised what it meant. I put my hand on my belly, feeling so hurt that I was bearing my late husband’s child and he died not even knowing about it. He would have been so happy, but now, I was a pregnant widow, with no idea of how to go through this.
“I want to congratulate you, but I know… I know it is not exactly a happy news for you, as you… well, you know.” The doctor added with a grim tone.
“Could you please give us some privacy?” Keith asked, seeing the pain in my eyes.
“Of course. I will come back with the discharge papers later.” The doctor nodded before leaving the room.
I was still in shock. Nausea was invading me brutally, I had no clue of what to do. I was pregnant. And Shiro was not there anymore to see it happening.
“Victoria… it’s going to be okay.” Keith said in comfort, taking my hand.
“Okay? How can you… how can you say it’s going to be okay???? I’m pregnant of Takashi’s child… and he… he’s dead! I… I can’t go through this on my own… I can’t raise this child alone… I just can’t.” I cried and he pulled me in a hug.
“You won’t. You won’t be on your own during your pregnancy and beyond. I’ll help you. To go through this and then to raise the child.” He replied softly.
“Keith… no… I can’t ask you to do that—“ I protested, sniffing.
“You don’t have to ask. I want to help. Shiro was like a brother to me, and you’ve always been such a good friend, even when everyone was distant upon the discovery of my Galra heritage. It’s time I pay the both of you back for everything you guys have done for me.” Keith declared, smiling faintly, looking at me in the eye.
I restarted crying, but this time of gratitude, and I pulled him closer for a hug. He held me tight and kissed my forehead.
“Thank you.” I muttered through my sobs.
“Anytime.”
####
Bonus 1
*2 years and seven months later*
Things had changed so much since I found out I was pregnant of Shiro’s child, on the day of his funerals. Just like he promised me, Keith stayed on Earth, moved in with me in my flat and helped me to go through the seven months left of my pregnancy. They had been so hard. Grieving my late husband while being pregnant had been the hardest trial I ever had to face, but I was so grateful for Keith’s presence. I gave birth to a beautiful little girl with gorgeous grey eyes just like her late father’s and ebony hair and full lips like mine. Her name was Thalia Katie Allura Shirogane. Pidge and Lance were to be her godparents, and, since Keith had been there all the way since we found out, he completely had the right to be considered her father as well. He did not want to be called that, though, insisting that she had to know her father died a hero saving her mother’s life — thus by extension her own life since I was already pregnant when Shiro died.
Without Keith by my side, I would never have been able to handle the first two years of my daughter’s existence on my own. Taking care of an infant was so hard, and it cost us so many hours of sleep, but in the end it was so worth it. Thalia was not as difficult as Keith and I thought she would be after watching so many documentaries about parenting. She was such an angel, a beautiful angel, a blessing that brought us closer as we went down the parenting path together, despite the adversities linked to raising a child.
We shared so many good moments during her first year, like the one when she said her first word. We had been trying to make her say mama for weeks, in vain. Thalia was unable to pronounce those syllables. I did not give up though, and neither did Keith. Iverson had given us a very flexible schedule, so when I was not teaching classes, Keith was home with Thalia and vice versa when he had to teach classes, but we always had a lot of hours off during which we could take paperwork home and be able to work while spending time with our daughter. One day, I was cooking dinner after having finished my paperwork, while Keith was playing with her on the kitchen floor. It was so good to hear her cute baby laugh, and Keith was laughing with her. It made me smile, an occurrence that had been rare during the seven months of my pregnancy as I was still grieving Shiro’s death, but started to happen more and more as our little angel lightened our days since she was born. Suddenly, we heard her cute baby voice say:
“Dada!”
“What… what did she just say?” I asked, turning around to look at her.
“Dada!” She repeated, reaching out to Keith with her small hands.
Keith was shocked. Tears pearled in the corner of his eyes, and I was not sure whether he was happy or not to be called that way. I sat down next to them, picked Thalia up to put her on my lap, and said softly:
“Keith, I know you want her to know that Takashi is her father, and she will, we’ll teach her about him; but you’ve earned the right to be her father just as much. Since Kashi died and we found out I was pregnant of Thalia, you’ve been there 24/7, 365 days a year to help me and our little princess. You’ve been there to change her diapers, to feed her at night when she cried out and I was too tired to breastfeed her, you’ve been giving her baths and got her dressed, you’ve made sure she was well taken care of when I was too exhausted to do so, and you’ve been taking care of me when I was too exhausted to take care of myself. You are her father. And she thinks the same, look.”
As I said that, Thalia reached out to Keith with her small hands calling him dada. Keith let his tears stream down his face and finally took her in his arms, playing with her small fingers, and he kissed her forehead.
“Hey princess… I’m your dada after all.” He muttered softly, smiling from ear to ear.
She replied with a lot of mumbo jumbo sounds that were way too cute and played with his hair. Then, as she directed her attention back to her Black Lion plushie on the floor, he put her down and pulled me closer for a hug.
“Thank you, Tori.” He said.
“You’re welcome, Keith.” I said, smiling too.
It was moments like this that brought us closer, and it was easier every day to overcome the pain of losing Shiro. For Thalia’s second birthday, Keith, Thalia and I flew to New Altea where we had all of our friends and families to join us for celebrations in the imperial palace. We had gone there several times a year and Allura and Lotor came to Earth to visit with their son, Alfor, to have playdates with Thalia. Those two were already best friends and it was so tender to see, especially during the birthday celebration. Thalia also could not wait to see Uncle Hunk and Auntie Shay, that she — and we — had not seen for a few months now. She played with them and with Uncle Lance and Auntie Pidge while we were busy gathering all the presents for her so she could open them after we ate the cake. We were in the juniberry field in the imperial garden, as it was a beautiful day. Krolia, Kolivan, Sam and Colleen Holt were there as well, and Coran, Romelle, Ezor, Zethrid and Axca never left the sides of Lotor, Allura and Alfor. The garden party was very nice indeed, but Keith was a bit off, I could tell. We were sitting down a bit far away from the others, as they all wanted to play with Alfor and Thalia, and it was giving us some space to breathe from constant parenting. I asked him:
“Keith, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing… I was just lost in my thoughts.” He replied, but I could tell he was lying.
“Mmmh, sure, and I’m the Queen of England.” I sarcastically answered.
“No need for sarcasm, Sass Tori.” He retorted with a chuckle.
“There it is, this little smile of yours that’s so damn cute.” I said, smiling myself.
Keith looked at me with an intense lilac coloured glance, and then said:
“Do you really find my smile cute?”
“Yes. It always puts me in a good mood when I see you smile. And when I hear you laugh. You’ve helped me to learn how to live again, Keith.”
I put my hand on his cheek and softly caressed it. Keith turned pink and continued, while taking my hands in his:
“About that… look, Victoria, I know how much you care about Shiro and I know you said you didn’t think you could love anyone else after him, but… I, I was wondering if… oh God it doesn’t sound right…”
“What is it?”
“I… oh well, here goes nothing… I love you. I fell in love with you two years ago, but I knew it was too soon after Shiro passed away. I didn’t want to make you feel like I was trying to replace him in your heart and in Thalia’s. That’s why it bugged me so much to hear her first word, dada, directed at me. I don’t mean to take Shiro’s place, he was your husband and the father of your daughter, I totally get that.” Keith declared before looking down.
“Hey… I know you’re not replacing Takashi. My heart broke in a thousand pieces when he died, and yes it is true I thought I would never be able to love anyone again, but the truth is… you’ve been there for me the whole time, since the very moment he died. I will always cherish him in my heart, but… he wanted me to find someone who I could be happy with, and, well, I found you. I love you too Keith.”
He looked back at me, his eyes shining and a smile growing on his illuminated face. I put a hand on his cheek and leaned in, putting my lips gently on his. He kissed me back for a moment before we got interrupted by loud cheers. We split the kiss, as red as a beetroot but smiling big, and saw that the others were coming closer to us, cheering.
“Finally!!!! Your days of mutually pining one another are over!!!” Lance exclaimed joyously.
“Congratulations you two, you deserve to be happy!” Allura said, hugging both Keith and I.
“And look, Thalia’s happy you’re finally acting like a couple of parents!” Pidge said, and Thalia walked to us with the biggest smile.
“Mama loves Dada? And Dada loves Mama?” She asked with her cute little voice.
“Yes my darling, Dada loves Mama!” Keith said, picking her up to make her sit on his lap.
“This birthday party turned out better than expected,” I said, kissing Thalia’s cheeks. “What about you open your presents princess?”
“Yayyyyy!!!” She cheered in response, making all of us awww.
Lance stood up to get the presents from the table and came back on the floor where we were all sitting in circle with Thalia in the center with the presents. Keith and I helped her to unwrap her presents and she gave each and every single one of our friends a kiss as a thank you. She opened her last present, that was from Keith and I, and was utterly happy to discover a Voltron Lego kit, even though she told me later that day:
“I love my Voltron! But the best present is you, Mama, loving Dada!”
“Awww, I’m glad you think so, my princess. And we love you very very very much.”
####
Bonus 2
*two years later*
Again, things changed after that memorable birthday party on New Altea when Keith confessed he loved me. Though I loved him and he loved me, our first few weeks as a couple were a little bit awkward, probably because we were self conscious of the big change of relationship status. But soon we stopped overthinking it and acted just the same, in a more romantic and intimate way. We went on some dates when Pidge and Lance could babysit Thalia, and at home we acted more relaxed than before, feeling more at ease with parenting now that we were officially a couple. It was the best for Thalia anyway, I had a broken home when I was little when my father abandoned me, and nothing was ever the same; so I obviously wanted my daughter to be brought up in a very healthy and loving environment. Now that she was slightly older, she understood that Keith was not her actual father but Shiro was, and she also understood he died before she was born. Keith and I — as well as Lance and Pidge when she spent the day at their house — told her stories about Shiro, and she always asked more about him. It warmed my heart to see that she wanted to know more about her father, but at the same time, it also broke it when I realised Shiro would never live all those wonderful moments with Thalia. I was the most vulnerable about his passing after telling her about him or listening to Keith telling her stories about what an amazing pilot, brother figure and hero Shiro was. I missed him so much, and I always had a little moment during which I isolated myself to cry and allow myself to be sad again. I knew Thalia wondered why I always disappeared after story times, and why she heard me crying a couple times, and she had asked Keith; I also knew he told her I missed Shiro very much, and though I loved Keith and wanted to be with him, I had moments when I needed to remember my love for my late husband.
Nonetheless, the fact that Keith was very understanding with me when those moments happened or when I woke up crying because I had another nightmare replaying Shiro’s death made me love him even more. He never questioned my feelings, nostalgia nor occasional grief, he was never jealous that I loved Shiro still, and I felt so grateful for that. He was just there for me, to comfort me and to remind me that life was worth living and that Shiro would not want me to keep crying over him like I used to during the first few months of mourning during my pregnancy. It strengthened our relationship to be that close and to talk about how we both felt and coped.
One day, Keith planned a date for an afternoon and asked Lance and Pidge if they could babysit Thalia. They loved the child as if she were their own, so they obviously accepted, and they wanted us to have fun, just the two of us. When I asked where we were going, he told me it was a surprise. Intrigued, I played along until we left. Keith was driving his hover bike and we had some picnic in the small trunk. He drove in the desert near the base until we reached the highest point in the canyon, where he parked and helped me down to settle the picnic in front of one of the most beautiful sunsets I had ever seen. Everything was just perfect, being with him to look at the sunset was simple and yet so wonderful. At some point, he looked at me and said:
“Victoria, you’ve made me the happiest man in the universe for the past two years. Life hasn’t been easy on us, but we’ve thrived and rose again from the ashes. I know you miss and still love Shiro and you still bear his name even if he is gone. But I also know you love me, and I know I can make you happy. What I’m trying to say is… oh my God I’m terrible at that, please don’t judge me… What I’m trying to say is that I love you and I want you to be mine for the rest of our lives, if you allow me.” He opened a velvet black box with a silver ruby and diamonds ring and presented it to me. “Will you marry me?”
I was in shock. I absolutely did not see it coming. My hands on my mouth, tears pearling to the corner of my eyes, I nodded and managed to say:
He took the ring and slided it on my ring finger, where the indent of my wedding ring was — when Keith and I started dating, I removed it permanently, but I kept it in my bedside table with a box where I kept pictures of my wedding day and my life with Shiro before he died. Keith then sealed our lips in a passionate kiss, that I gave back, and split it when we were breathless. He muttered:
“Oh my God I was so scared you’d say no. I mean it would have been understandable, proposing to you is like trying to steal Shiro’s place in your heart—“
“Keith, shut up. I told you a billionth time that you’re not stealing Takashi’s place. I would never have said yes if I thought so. I love you. You’re not Takashi, and I’m not expecting you to be. Yes, I have a permanent reminder that he’s gone with Thalia since she looks a lot like him, but she’s yourdaughter.You raised her. And I want you for you. Of course I’ll always cherish the memory of Takashi in my heart, but I chose to move on with you. I chose to be yours. I want to be yours. I want to spend the rest of my days with you. I want to be your wife. And I’ll take your name when we tie the knot. I won’t be Vice Admiral Victoria Shirogane anymore. From the day we say I do at the altar, I will be Vice Admiral Victoria Kogane. And… if you’re okay with it… I’d like you to adopt Thalia so that she also bears your name. She’s already your daughter, but we’ll be a united family like this.” I cut him off, my hands on his cheek and his neck.
“You… you really want me to do that?” Keith asked, in shock.
“Yes. Stop worrying about my past with Takashi. It’s in the past. A past I will cherish yes. Memories that I will never forget, but you — and Thalia Katie Allura Kogane — are my future.”
“But she needs to remember her realfather…”
“And she will. But Takashi died when she was in the womb. She never knew him. Admittedly, she knows him through us, through our stories, but her father is and always be you. You’re the one she calls Dada. You’re the one she sees when she thinks of her father. You’re the one that she will run to if she’s ever in trouble or if she’s hurt and needs advices and comfort. You are her father, Keith.”
On these words, I kissed him again, trying to make him understand how I felt for him. For the first time in years, I felt like I was free from guilt, regrets, and sorrow. For the first time in years, I was finally able to look up to the future more than to look back at my past. And for the first time in years, I finally felt like I was doing what Shiro made me promise to do on his deathbed: to be happy, to love and to fully live again.
This website put me in touch with one of my closest, and yet geographically most distant, friends @verbaldeathwish-blog
Close to ten years we have known each other, spoken almost daily, been there for each other during incredibly difficult times. I remember when he became a father. I know how much he loved his daughter and the plans he had for the future. Constant voice notes and video messages over years, a constant source of support, someone I would rush to tell the happiest and saddest moments of my life.
I know we can trivialise online relationships. But I sincerely love him.
Last time he spoke to me was on Christmas Eve.
He never got the messages I sent him on Christmas Day. And now I know it was because when I sent them, he was already dead.
I just found out today (27th of December) that he died in the early hours of Christmas Day, with his partner, in a terrible car crash - his partner was the only other person in his ‘real life’ that I was in contact with. I found out about their deaths through anguished posts from friends and family on their social media.
My heart is truly broken. This is the first time, despite losing family members before, that I’ve experienced grief like this. Because realistically, feeling this way, the one person I want to speak to and process it with is him.
This loss is something I can’t even articulate. And I know it’s going to crash down repeatedly on me because he was such a constant part of my life, such an important part of my life. And now he is gone. So young. In such a sudden and violent way.
I’m posting this here because this was the platform that brought us together. We had plans to meet in person, some that could have happened but fell through, some that were projected into the future. But even though we never met, I can’t pretend that he hasn’t been one of the most meaningful friendships I’ve ever had.
I want this to be a joke, I want this to be a misunderstanding or mistaken identity or something that means he’ll pop up on my phone again apologising for ignoring my messages. His absence is painful, I’ve never wanted to speak to someone so bad in my entire life.
Matt, I love you, and I’m going to miss you more than I can even begin to explain.
An exploration of Rey’s unseen grief over Ben’s death at the end of TROS.
(feat. Force Ghost Ben and a happy ending.)
preview:
The moment he is gone she forgets how to grieve.
The first and only thing she feels is pain, sharp and unyielding, like she has been run through by a lightsaber right in the soft spot at the base of her neck.
The pain fades quickly and is replaced instead by a hollowness that spreads from the centre of her chest outwards; an implacable coldness that consumes her quickly. She feels her face ease from its tormented grimace into something that might have almost been considered serene if it didn’t feel so much like a brumal death from within. She exhales softly, a light breath released from lips that have gone numb.
Her hands dazedly pat the soft material of his tunic, still warm from his body, as though she has somehow just missed him. As though she’ll still make contact with a solid form underneath and within.
Instead, all she encounters is the scrabbled ground beneath the fabric. There is no warm, breathing, living man within. It is now just an overlay for the hard unyielding rock below.
Had it truly been just moments before that she had held him in her arms, legs spread across his, their chests touching?
Was it really only seconds prior where their lips had met, held and captured, his mouth moving against her own? The feel of his fevered breath expelling from his nose and hitting her cheek as they desperately, awkwardly tasted each other for the first time? His arms hefting her, holding her, crushing her to him?
Had it even really happened?
For a moment she wonders if maybe she is dead again.
Maybe she is still dead.
Maybe she was always dead?
The feeling is the same, after all. The feeling of being trapped in that horrid liminal space where she had screamed and screamed in isolated terror, her voice singular amongst the endless stars; that inky blackness symbolizing a blank eternity.
Her throat feels raw, raw like she is still screaming although her face does not move aside from the slow descent of her eyelids, blink after painful blink.
Her breath comes out in short bursts as she scrambles up on shaky legs. At the last second she reaches down and grasps the shirt still on the ground, crumpling it up and sticking it under her arm. Her feet feel like leaden weights, knees wobbling, the coldness in her chest beginning to feel like an icy burn.
Summary:She’d thought she’d known loneliness before. The years on Jakku. Touching the reflective surface of the cave on Ahch-To. Aching for her parents. For answers.She is off Jakku now. She has her answers.And this loneliness, the loneliness of lost opportunity, of a future foretold but never realized, this is the most unbearable thing of all.
Delia is one of my favorite Reylo authors and her stories never disappoint. This is a very intense but also very beautiful journey into Rey’s grief after losing Ben in Exegol. It really feels like you’re inside Rey’s mind and feeling everything she’s feeling. It’s heavy, but also very cathartic. I can’t wait for chapter 2 (where Delia says we’ll get to the “happy parts” of the story!)
Summary:The best part of Ben Solo’s day is his visit to his local coffee shop. The fact that he can’t stop thinking about the barista who works there is completely unrelated.
Sometimes all you need is a soft and fluffy coffee shop AU.
Summary:Home, Ben has come to realize, isn’t four walls and a roof. Home is the pair of arms that hold you, the lips that kiss you goodnight, the face you see when you wake up in the morning, the person whose heartbeat is synced to yours. Home is Rey. And Rey is here (or: the one where Ben and baby go out to greet Rey).
This is one of my go-to stories whenever I’m craving canon Reylo domesticity/baby cuteness. It fills my heart with joy every single time! So adorable.
You lingered outside the briefing room, waiting for the news you were certain was about to come but yet you prayed didn’t. As much as you knew Rooster wanted on this mission, the thought of him going made your stomach roll and your heart clench. Though you only worked the coms in the control room for the mission and had no clearance for the details of the current assignment, you had managed to sneak a look at the mission plan. It was a near-suicide mission, and everyone knew it. And yet, you knew better than to ask Rooster to step down. It was missions like this that he trained for his entire career, and he wouldn’t turn down the opportunity to fly it. Even for you.
Suddenly, the door to the briefing room flew open and Hangman stormed out. The second you saw his face, all of your fears were confirmed. The only reason he would look that pissed off is if he hadn’t been selected for the team, which meant…..
Rooster walked out of the room, and he stumbled to a stop when he saw you standing there. Without saying a word, he opened his arms and you were instantly in them, wrapped in his tight embrace for what might be the last time. Burying your face into his chest, you said in a muffled voice, “I told you he would pick you. Maverick knows talent when he sees it.”
Rooster sighed as he rested his chin on the top of your head. “Yeah, well, you’re not exactly objective when it comes to my skills.”
You chuckled softly but the sound quickly shifted into a sob. You tried to bite your lip to keep your tears from falling, but it was useless. Rooster placed his hands on your arms and pushed you away from him, getting a good look at your face. “Aw, baby, please don’t. If you cry, I’ll cry and that won’t be good.”
“I’m sorry, I just- I need you to come back. Okay? I can’t…. I can’t sit there and watch you go down.” The tears were flowing more steadily down your face and Rooster reached up and wiped them away with his thumb.
“I’ll come back. I promise.”
You shook your head. “You can’t promise that. There are so many things that could go wrong, so many chances to fail. You know I believe in you, baby, but this….. this isn’t something that just relies on skill. If even the slightest bit of information is incorrect, if they miscalculated anything, this could all go wrong, and I can’t-”
“It’s not going to. I will come back. I promise you. You’re not getting rid of me that easily.” He trailed his hand down your cheek before lifting your chin with his thumb. His lips brushed against yours, gentle and soft, and as much as his words were saying differently, you knew this was him telling you goodbye.
You rested your head on his chest once more and the two of you held each other in silence for as long as time permitted.
To everyone’s astonishment, the mission had been accomplished perfectly even with Dagger 4’s laser malfunction. You smiled broadly as pride swelled in your chest as Rooster managed to hit his target without the guidance. However, that feeling quickly faded as he crested over the top of Coffin Corner and into range of the SAMs. As missiles filled the radar screens in the control room, you gripped the arms of your seat so tightly, that the muscles in your arms began to tremble. And it felt as if your heart stopped when Rooster’s desperate cries filled your headset as he informed everyone he was out of flares. But Maverick had flown in at the last second and saved him. And as much as it pained you to see Maverick go down, at least Rooster was safe.
Until he wasn’t. Despite his orders, despite your desperate pleas to him over the coms, Rooster went back for Maverick. And it was then that your world exploded as you watched a SAM slam into his plane before his signal blinked out.
Frantically reaching for your controls, you said, “Dagger 2, come in….” Silence. “Dagger 2, I repeat, co-come in.” Still no response. You jumped to your feet as you slammed the com button and screamed, “Rooster! Answer me!”
The entire control room was deathly silent as you felt every eye on you. But you didn’t care. You just needed Rooster to answer. But he never did.
You collapsed back into your seat in stunned silence, still unable to grasp the reality of what just happened. From somewhere behind you, you heard Vice Admiral Simpson mutter, “Get her out of here” before you felt a pair of hands gently rest on your shoulders and help usher you out into the hall.
It wasn’t until the door to the control room closed that you collapsed to the floor in a heap of sobs and tears. Rooster couldn’t be gone. He just couldn’t. He promised you he would come back. He promised he wouldn’t make you go through watching his readings blink off of your screen, wouldn’t make you watch him go down. Yet, he had gone back for Maverick and made you watch him die.
Another sob rattled through your chest and you felt the hands from before rest softly on your shoulders. Looking up, you saw Hondo staring back at you, a tear running down his face as well. You nodded at him, a sign of thanks and understanding. While you had just lost the man you loved, Hondo had just lost a dear friend who he had served with for many years. The pains you were feeling were different yet not really so dissimilar. And as terrible as it was to think, at least you weren’t alone in your grief.
As he lowered himself to the floor, you slid over and rested your head on his shoulder. Neither one of you said a word. You both just sat silently as you tried to come to terms with what had happened and what you had lost.
After what seemed like an eternity, you managed to stop crying and pull yourself together for the most part. The pain was still there, but the initial shock had started to fade a little, leaving a deep emptiness instead. But you knew that feeling would take much longer to fade.
Just as you were about to ask Hondo how he was doing, the door to the control room flew open and Rear Admiral Bates stuck his head out. “You two need to get back in here now.”
Through your puffy, bloodshot eyes, you looked up at him in confusion. “Sir?”
“We’re receiving a signal from Rooster’s tracker.” Your eyes went wide as your breath caught in your chest. “He’s currently in the air in what appears to be in a F-14 Tomcat headed this way.”
“Maverick.” Hondo chuckled in relief.
Your head swam as you tried to grasp the miracle that was being presented to you. “Are you saying they’re both okay and on their way back?”
Warlock shook his head. “We can’t say for certain. We haven’t been able to hail their craft and…. there appears to be two, possibly three Su-57s closing in on their position.”
Suddenly, the entire ship shook as a roar of a plane taking off sounded from the deck above. Exchanging a confused look with Hondo and Warlock, you all hurried back into the control room where chaos was currently ensuing.
As you looked around, you heard someone saying, “Dagger Spare, you were not cleared for takeoff. I repeat you were not cleared for takeoff.”
A smile spread across your face as you realized what just happened and a voice came in over the comms. “This is Dagger Spare and with all due respect, you’ve been denying my requests to go help my team all mission and I won’t let my fellow pilots die because you refuse to give me authorization. So, I’m willing to take whatever reprimands are warranted when I get back, but I won’t be coming back alone.”
Hangman.You made a note to never bad-mouth the pilot again. He had just risked his career to save Maverick and Rooster and for that, you would never be able to repay him.
There was a pause as the room held its breath, waiting to see what Hangman’s fate would be. Finally, Vice Admiral Simpson sighed and said, “Dagger Spare, you are cleared for the mission. Go bring our men home.”
The room erupted in a cheer as Hangman said, “Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.”
Hope soared through you for the first time since you found out Rooster was going on the mission. With Hangman and Maverick (two of the only men in active duty ever to have a confirmed kill in aerial combat) by his side, you knew they would make it.
Rooster was coming home.
They wouldn’t let anyone from the control room up on deck until all aircrafts had safely landed (safety protocols or some bullshit). But the second you received the all-clear, you burst through the door. The deck was swarming with people trying to congratulate the returning pilots, so you had to shove and elbow your way through. Finally, as you approached the spot where the planes had come to a stop, you could see Rooster and Maverick embracing. It looked like an emotional and tender moment that under any other circumstance would have warmed your heart to see the two men seemingly settling their differences. But after what you just went through, you were willing to spoil their moment.
“Rooster!” you screamed.
Immediately, he dropped his hold on Maverick and pivoted towards the sound of your voice. Without saying a word, he opened his arms and you were instantly in them, wrapped in his tight embrace after fearing you never would be again. As you buried your face into his chest, he whispered, “I promised you I’d be back.”
His voice was choked and strained and when you pulled back to look at him, you saw tears shimmering in his eyes. Quickly reaching up to wipe them away, you said, “Oh, baby. Come on. If you cry, I’ll cry, remember? And no one wants to see that.”
“I don’t care, let them see.” Rooster smashed his lips into yours and you quickly returned his embrace with just as much love and devotion. Soon, you could taste the salty sting of tears on your lips and you weren’t sure if they were yours or his but you didn’t mind. Because Rooster was alive and safe and back in your arms. And that was all that mattered.
I feel like a shaken up bottle of soda that finally exploded.
I was trying to get some work done in the office space I share with my partner and I ended up talking about some of the grief and guilt that has been weighing on me. I just kept talking and talking, and a lot of it just felt like it was coming out of nowhere. I was definitely a dissociated blurry mess. I told her a lot of things about my childhood and my family that I’ve never told her before.
She told me it was really hard for her to hear that I felt any guilt about any of it, because she thinks I treated everyone in my family better than they deserved given how they treated me. And I told her that it wasn’t really about how they treated me. I don’t decide how to treat people based on how they treat me. I wish I had treated my mom better regardless of what she actually deserved, because I think I’d feel more peace now if I had.
I think my partner was kind of horrified by how much obligation and loyalty I still feel to my family. It’s hard to let go of. She kept trying to reinforce how really awful my family was and how shocking it is to hear about how they treated not just me but my sister and other extended family members. It was hard to hear, but probably what I needed to hear.
this pain is excruciating. King Jelly Bean crossed the veil and this is my dark night of the soul. Knowing I’ll see him again hasn’t eased the pain of loosing his physical presence. I’m going to be going dark for a while. Please forgive my lack of response to messages. Self care is very difficult for me right now and it’s taking all my effort.
marlene’s lips ghosted against their cheek ever so slightly, cold as ice, in contrast to the warmth they usually carried;
it was a mere touch, not filled with passion, desire, and love, as it used to be.
dorcas touched their cheek as they looked at marlene, their heart breaking in something unknown, her eyes a white glow. something had changed, they could feel it.
it wasn’t the marlene they knew. she was bland, lifeless, the fierceness and tenderness of an old lover unrecognizable, washed away.
she was just a hallucination, a shell of who she had once been and of a woman that dorcas had once loved, yet still, after all of that time, needed so desperately.
