pairing: fukurodani x y/n who’s not like other girls
wc: 2.1k of pure crack
warnings: painfully cringey wattpad style writing, poor grammar and spelling, y/n is not like other girls, kidnapping, drugging, your parents really suck, i edited this while under the influence, akaashi and bokuto have guns and woke up choosing violence
actual author’s note: i am so sorry. but mostly i am disappointed in myself that this was the most enjoyable writing i’ve done in a while.
My naturally curly (but i straitened it for school) blond hair hit my bestie in the face as I spun around to face her. “Umm, Kelsey-san, no?! Your the one who dragged me here, I don’t even care about volleyball.”
It waz true. She had made me come to the stupid game against my will, all because she had a crush on Boktuo Kotaro, the captain of our school’s (Furikoodane) volleyball team. Of course, thank god I always had a book on me. My favorite subject is English, except the teacher (a/n: or sensei, if we are being accurate, haha ;3) never picked good literature. I had brung my beloved copy of Twilight to the game, with all its postit notes and hilighted pages, hoping to pass the time and maybe look mysterious. i would never tell kesley, but i secretly hoped to catch the eyes of someone there, since the players were actually pretty hawt.
a/n: okay so what do you get when you combine @undermattsun ‘s fever dream of a server with a bunch of whores that grew up on wattpad? wellthe kidnapped by haikyuu collabof course. the fact that this is the first ever thing i’ve ever written is fitting. it was very fun and nostalgic though make sure to check out the other teams and suffer like the rest of us did writing them.
a/n 2: tw wattpad tw cocaine tw no editing and a lot of typos tw i wrote the majority of this high
wc:800
My name is y/n and i’m just a regular student at dateko hs. Today I woke up and put my long black curly hair in space buns and slipped on my chemical romance shirt (a/n:their my favorite band uwu, if you don’t like frank iero gtfo he’s a precius cinammon bunnnnn) with black skinny jeans and vans then i did my eyeliner and put on some mscare. Other girls at my school do full faces of makeup but i am so lazyyyy haha blep, i guess you could say i’m not like them :P
ANyways i finished my morning routine and left ot school. I was on my way to school when a truck pulled up to me with teh words sateko scribbed on the side. Out of nowhere, three tall guys come up to me and kidnap me111!!!!!! They put a blinfold on me and tied my hands together >.> then they threw me in te back of teh truck “we got them’ i heard one of them say. “échala a la mamalona alv” (a/n:f*ck it, throw them in the whip) i head someone say before i blaked out.
~later~
when i woke up i was in a dark room and i started creaming “WHO AM I AND WHAT DID yoU DO TO ME”?? I felt strong hands undo the blindfold. WHen my brown obs were free from the darkness of the blindfold I saw a group of guys in volleyball uniforms and tejanas (a/n: that means cowboy hats in spanish xD ) standing before me. “We are the volleyball team, turned drug cartel Dateko and from now on you’ll be our accountant” the brown haired man grimaced darkly with malice.
“I WAS KIDNAPPED BY A DRUG CARTELL?!?!?!??” i screamed!
“Kinda??” the tall boy who looked like th e yellow angry bird spoke up. “calm down y/n. My name is koganegawa btw, but you can call me koganewga :) everyone here calls me el canario(a/n: this means the canry lolll) though”
“How do you know my name” I asked.
“We go to schoo l with you y/n. I’m pretty sure el nube (the cloud) is in the same class as you?” kogangeawa responded.
“Who is el nube? An why do you hace dumb nicknames for everyone?””
“ugh , the cloud is Aone takonabuu, and we gave each other nicknames because any narco worth mentioning has one ” said futakuchi
“Who are you anyway? And how are you narcos and in high school?? nd why’s you chose me to be ur account ant??” you retorted, annoyed bc uGH.
“well my name’s futakuchi, and im el jefe (a/n: the boss) around these parts”
“And what parts ar these exactly?”
“And what parts ar these exactly?”
“Well our volleyball/cocaine supply closet of corse. And Let me finish talking peasant” el jefe responded. “Canario please finish explaining it to them, i need to.. Take care of something… ” he said mysteriously then left the room.
“Yeah so basic ly we needed to raise money so our volleyball team could go to the games in sendai, and no one wanted The Iron Wall’s burnt ass coockies so we decided to fundraise thru drug cartel, adn we neeed you to look thru the expenses because we aren’t making as much money as before O.O and your’e the smartest person in my remedial math class” el canario, koganawa said. (a/n: i actually suck at math xD idk numbers are hard T.T)
i looked thru their books and said “the reason why you aren’t making as much money is because someone’s been stealing cocaina.”
“wow , how do you know?” asked el pelos de elote, Kamasaki asked inquistively
“Because el jefe has snuck out three cocaine filled volleyballs since koganejwa started talking” i responded and the whole room GASPEDD!!!
“JEFE WHYYYYY??” moniwa groaned.
“I was tired of sharing the profit with you idiots, and also I wanted to have money so i could buy an engagement ring for y/n.” futakuchi screamed and i felt my cheeks blushed a deep mahogany. OMG he was proposing?!?!?? (a/n: bet you didn;t see that coming teehee
I can’t believe that lil ol me who was suuuper normal and plain but totally not like the other boring people at my school was getting proposed to by the DATEKO CARTEL leader. “Jefe, I acce-”
Just as i was about to accept, EL NUBE slammed through the door of the supply closet.
“futacoochie, I know what you’ve been doing, and i know you’re planning on marrying y/n l/n/ a/s/l l/g/b/t so you can frame them for leading the cartel and i can’t let you do that” aone yelled. “Because i love them” i was in shock. Futakoochy was gonna use me. (a/n boys suck) I was beyond mad. Then Aone grabbed el jefe tightly and forced him out of the supply closet yelling at him “we better never see you again, except for at volleyball practice and games snd school” loudly, snatching the engagement ring before he left.
“ your name, will you marry me??” el nube asked. He was so hot and big and strong. His piercing green orbz looked deep into my brown speres, lovingly
“Yes aone yes !! i love you sm!!!”” I responded. Then he slipped the rinf on my finger and we were husband and spouse!!
“Good, because we still need you to be dateko cartel’s accountant baby. But not just that kind of accountatn. We also need you to be our tik tok accountant ;) because your the only person we can trust. “ he said with a wink.
“As long as i can play three cheers for sweet revenge when i go on stage xD” i said and everyone in the room chortled. Being the spouse to the narco that ran the most powerful cartel in miyagi wasnt so bad
Then inheard my alarm go off…
+++++++++
a/n: thank you sm for readinG!!! Please be sure to like/comment/subscribe to seee more cool content like this ;)) also plz don’t be mean this is my frist writing ever and i kno it suxxxx but ots’ okie. Anyways blep im gonna go watch some dan and phil #PHAN if you don’t ship this gtfo my fic srsly..
SMFH this felt like physical assault on my brain zee, I don’t know how you one up’d wattpad but you did <333
prompt: mistaking you for your middle blocker brother, the schweiden adlers kidnap you and hold you hostage?? will you find you way home? or will you find you way into their harets keep reading to fidn out!!!! if you don’t like don’t read!! constructive criticism only pls don’t be mean
warnings: circa 2012 wattpad crack fanfic, opposite of proofread, written while a little bit tipsy
the kidnapped by hq masterlist can be found here! everyone else on the list is an insanely talented writer, i encourage you to check out their otherworks after joining me in losing as many brain cells as possible!!
Genre: crack. absolute crack. but with a dusting of fluff.
Warnings: mention of insomnia? also burning tongue on extremely hot onion rings, but that was well-deserved.
WC:1.1k
Summary: It’s the middle of the night, and Kenma smells something…s u s p i c i o u s. Could it be you, making tantalizing late-night snacks that make his mouth water?
(A/N): GUESS WHO’S BACK (but not really alksdjfhl). uhh i genuinely haven’t written in ages so please forgive me if this is absolute trash, and i don’t know when i’ll be able to write next since ap tests are coming up, and uhh i’m generally a Very Stressed Human Being right now so this might be a bit rambly and whatever but it’s FINE, everything’s FINE… request by @alpha-beta my beloved <3
Kenma awoke in the dead of night, throat parched. Or, rather, in the wee hours of the morning—technically. He didn’t have the best sleeping schedule.
Groping blindly at his nightstand, he let out a frustrated sigh as he realized that his handy glass of water wasn’t there.
Dang. He’d have to go down to the kitchen. There was no possible way he was going to be able to fall asleep after this.
Rubbing his eyes, he sat up, producing a feline yawn. Belatedly, he shoved his feet into the fuzzy bunny slippers you had gotten him for his birthday last year—pink, with floppy ears and small, beady glass eyes—and stood.
Wait.
He squinted.
There was a faint glowing light coming from outside the bedroom door. He took cautious steps forwards, cracking the door open slightly. No reasonable person should be awake at this hour, much less have the lights on. What an inexcusable transgression. An unforgivable error. A total and complete lapse in judgment—
He interrupted his own train of thoughts with another wide yawn. Fumbling with the handrails, he half-slid, half-stumbled down the stairs, still in a sleepy stupor, even with the light shining from below—exceedingly bright to his eyes, which were still accustomed to the dark.
By the time he reached the bottom of the stairs, he could tell that the light was coming from the kitchen. What’s more, there was a persistent smell of something delicious, the scent of something being baked in the oven. Were those…onion rings?
Suddenly, Kenma snapped wide-awake, his attention sharply focused. Gone was the sleepy, ruffled Kenma: in his place, there stood a Kenma with a growling stomach and a newfound appetite for warm, crispy, tantalizing treats at 3am. He quickly rounded the corner, feet skidding on the smooth wood floor of the rental house the team was occupying, and startling you out of your cooking-induced reverie.
“Eek!” You let out a sharp squeal, not expecting anyone to turn up and intrude upon your midnight snack. “Kenma!”
He didn’t respond; instead, he trotted right up to the oven and peeked inside, clearly trying to discern when the goods would be ready for consumption.
“They’ll be ready in five more minutes,” you answered his unspoken query, sounding a bit sheepish. “Did I wake you up?”
He shook his head—verbalizing things was for his awake-brain, not his sleep-addled and hungry one. You took it as encouragement and felt a bit less guilty about your midnight shenanigans.
As he poured himself a drink of water, you kept a vigilant watch on the golden, crispy onion rings toasting in the oven, careful not to let them burn. They had to be crunchy, yes, but just the right amount, no more, no less; Kenma was a bit like Goldilocks in that regard.
Without you noticing, Kenma crept up behind you and tapped you on the shoulder, pointing towards the sink. After his glass of water, he seemed more awake, his eyes a liquid amber in the fluorescent lights of the kitchen that you feel like you could fall right into within the blink of an eye. The sink in question was cluttered with various baking utensils, onion peels, and a vat (pot, but you sometimes liked to imagine yourself a witch) that had been emptied of its batter.
“From scratch?” His eyes were curious, a little bit pleading.
You smiled. “From scratch.”
His smile grew wider, and when the oven dinged, you turned around, oven mitts in hand, to take them out. By the time you turned back around, Kenma was already waiting at the small kitchen island, a large plate ready.
“Eager, huh?” You laughed at the way his eyes trailed the onion rings.
He nodded, reaching out to pluck one from the tray before you’d even set it down, then hissing in pain as his fingers made contact with the sizzling snack. You were about to open your mouth to admonish him when he stuffed the whole thing in his mouth—after knowing how painfully hot it was—and started panting with his mouth open to try to get it to cool down.
“Kenma!” You deftly moved the tray away before he could snatch another one. “Be careful!”
He smiled, then shook his head, resolutely chewing and swallowing the one in his mouth, which should’ve been about as hot as coal in a fire. “It’s good,” he said, somewhat muffled.
You blushed—his compliments, no matter how small, never lost that effect on you. “Well, they’ll stay good even if you’re patientandwait before you burn your tongue off. Or do you not trust my crunchy techniques?”
He stuck out a tongue—red, but not blistered, you noted—at you, then reached for another one. You were a bit more prudent, waiting a couple of minutes for the rings to cool down. A spark of something bloomed in your chest as you watched this utter goofball, this clown of extreme proportions, absolutely gorge himself on onion rings. His tousled hair glowed beach-bronze in the bright lights, and—not for the first time—you found yourself smiling at how unabashedly himself he acted around the people he was comfortable with.
“Hmm?” He pushed the tray towards you, brows slanted into a question, and you realized that you’d spaced out, probably staring at him all the while. You murmured a small “thanks” as you palmed an onion ring from the tray, now comfortably warm temperature instead of scalding-hot, and absentmindedly bit into it. The crispness of the batter, followed by the sweet, fragrant insides, was exactly what you were craving. They probably would’ve been better fried, but Kenma’s coach would probably have your head.
“You should make these more often.” You heard a small, contented sigh from Kenma as he licked crumbs from his fingers.
You rolled your eyes playfully. “I already make them like, once a week. Any more and our apartment’s going to start smelling like a cheap diner.”
“I wouldn’t mind.” He smiled, eyes sparkling with the promise of a future spar, one that you knew you were going to lose.
“Only if you make them with me,” you countered, the corner of your lip tugging upwards in a challenge.
“Fine.” He was smirking still, the lovely little bastard.
“At 3am in the morning, Kenma.”
“Insomnia. A deadly sin. But I’ll do it,” he retorted, “if you will.”
You sighed in playful defeat. “You’re making a deal with the devil, Kenma, and I’ll hold you to it. Swear on this pinky for onion rings”—you held out your right hand—“and on this one for other deadly sins.” You held out your left hand, winking.
Kenma twined his pinkies—both of them—with yours. “Onion rings and other deadly sins,” he said solemnly, “forever and always.”
Taglist: i’m actually going to rework my taglist since i haven’t written in so long & some of the people who used to be on there have now changed blogs so please message me to join my taglist!
㋡: i saw this lil thing lying in my drafts and wondered why i never completed it :,)) i hope u enjoyed pouty angry tsukishima getting betrayed by a good old jar of pickles if u’re reading this, i appreciate u ily_03242022
giving the silent treatment to someone was hard; especially if the space is small, even more if the space is shared.
you were working on a university assignment on the couch when kei walked by you on the way to the kitchen. not a greeting nor a word was exchanged. silently trying to one-up the other by pretending that neither give a shit — that both were very much fine doing their own things, and that the presence of the other is as important as the dust under the couch. kei was mumbling things as he opened cupboards in search for something. at that point, you weren’t even mad anymore: you actually found this pettiness of his rather comedic. but even more so when kei accidentally dropped the jar of pickles he held in his hand.
the loud crash of broken glass echoed throughout the small unit, and you can’t help but stare at him, seeing what he’ll do next.
but he doesn’t do anything. at least not immediately.
he just stands there (♂️), looking down, rather forlornly, at the icky liquid and shards that now decorate the clean polished floor. it took all of you to not burst into laughter. “… i just cleaned that earlier—” you heard kei whine to himself, shaking his head as he carefully navigates his way through the shards to get the broom, dustpan, and a cloth to wipe it with.
“that’s what you get, bitch,” you finally cave, stifling a grin behind the mug you were sipping tea from.
“shut the fuck up,” kei retorts, avoiding your gaze though he is well aware that he just quite literally put himself up for mocking. all because of some stupid fucking pickles in a stupid fucking glass jar.
“need some help over there~?” you press, making his eye twitch.
kei replies with a flat “no”.
“okie!” you begin typing obnoxiously on your laptop to prove to him that you’re very much working andyou’re fartoobusy right now to give a shit about him. the expletives spilling out of his mouth in murmurs don’t stop, only climaxing in one big “AH FUCK” when he nearly slips on the pickle juice.
“ughhhhhhhhhhh,” you made sure you groaned loud and clear enough for him to hear (not that there was much distance between the two of you anyway) before closing your laptop lid, and padding over to where he was.
kei could only stare open-mouthed as you snatched the broom set from him saying in a sing-song voice, “let me show you how it’s done…watch and learn, my child!!”
“i am perfectly capab—,"he lunges after the dustpan but you swerve just in time for him to nearly slip on the pickle juice again. it was then that he realizes that he isn’t going to win this one, but despite this, he refuses to back down. "fine,” he spits out, walking towards the sink where a rag awaits to be rinsed and used. his slippers squelched as he walked.
“oh, kei…”
“what is it now—”
he made more of a mess, is what it is. he is a tall dumbass, is what he is. a trail of dirty and damp patterns of the bottom of his slippers leading from the spilt pickle juice to the kitchen sink where he stands dumbfounded, is what it is.
more cleaning to do, is what it is.
[ words by aero. 2022. please do not repost and plagiarize or else i’m coming for your kneecaps ]
notes: gn! reader, none! just tanaka being a little shit (affectionate)
TANAKA RYUUNOSUKE comes home from his daily runs and almost always chooses violence. as soon as he comes back to your shared apartment unit, you can hear him whistling and singing along to whatever song’s playing on those earphones of his. sometimes you even get waken up by the fuss he’s causing outside your bedroom door, accidentally knocking down stuff while he tries to pour himself a glass of water. no worries, you’re almost always awake before he arrives, and he knows that! he walks into the shared bedroom and immediately locks eyes with you, only breaking it to strip off his sweaty t-shirt, exposing his toned torso where beads of sweat add shine to the otherwise smooth surface.
oh… no…
“ryu…no.” you start, giving him a warning stare and inching further into the headboard, akin to seeing a cheetah hiding amongst stalks of wheat or grass. and like a cheetah with instincts of their own, he pounces at you with a playful growl, engulfing you in an affectionatly sticky, sweaty, and uncomfortably warm embrace.
“RYUU!! GET THE FUCK OFF ME YOU—” to no avail, you try and push him off of you, or otherwise wriggle out of the blanket that now wound tightly around you like a burrito. “TAKE A DAMN SHOWER OR ELSE YOU’RE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.” the koala-cheetah mf let’s you go SO FAST and looks at you with the most genuinely concerned face ever.
“wait no do i really stink that bad?” he twists himself this way and that to sniff at his armpits. quick, you take advantage of this diversion to poke at his tickle spot, earning the LOUDEST SCREECH you’ve ever heard him spew out of his mouth since the first time he saw kiyoko in a black dress. you both looked at each other like before bursting into an even louder fit of laughter.
“WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SCREECH?!?”
“BABE DON’T DO THAT AGAIN PLEASE OH MY GOD” he is evidently embarrassed now thank you. not that he’s never embarrassed himself before.
a knock on your front door interrupt the beginnings of a tickle contest, locking eyes again before tanaka scrambles off of you and zooms to the bathroom. “HAHA KARMA YOU TAKE THAT BLEH”
“YOU—” you try getting a grip at his joggers but only managed to pull it down enough for a piece of his favorite teddy bear boxers underneath to peep through. you groan loud enough for him to hear, groggily getting out of the bed to make yourself somehow presentable to the pissed off neighbor probably fuming at your door right now.
>> all words by aero 2021. please do not repost and plagiarize or else i’m coming for your kneecaps.
a/n!LMAO UM HI EVERYONE ITS BEEN A WHILE but i hope u guys are having the bestest day or night HDHFJFJ- I LOVE U ALL ENJOY THIS LITTLE SNIP OF OUR BELOVED BOYS!! also i just finished the good place and i watched the whole thing in a week. ALSO! im starting twenty five twenty one (ep 3!!) rn so anyone who wants to talk abt either of those hmu
╰ a study group of random college sophomores turns into 3am mcdonald’s runs, non stop group chat texts, and a romance between y/n and the kid who thinks she’s annoying as fuck.
a/n: this didn’t go as planned but it gets better lol
