I’m a Christian, and partially because of that, my boyfriend and I have decided to wait until marriage until having sex. this is an idea I grew up with, and committed to at an early age, but no one told me HOW HARD it would be. we all know guys have high sex drives. no one told me girls did too. anyway, for those of you who find yourselves in the same or a similar predicament, here’s some things that have worked for me:
1. There are three paths. One leads to holding hands (e.g. bumping elbows, brushing fingers), the second leads to kissing (touching faces together), and the third leads beyond that. Know which path you’re going to choose ahead of time, and don’t start down the path that you don’t want to go along. It’s a lot easier to stay outside the gate than it is to go back once you’ve started down the path.
2. Keep yourself accountable to either a person or your journal. That will help you gauge right/wrong (i.e. if something isn’t right you’ll likely be hesitant to write down or tell someone that you’re doing it, especially if you wrote/told them ahead of time you wouldn’t do it).
3. Going backwards ISN’T THAT HARD. I was always told that once you’ve done something, you can’t stop. that’s not true at all. it’s actually easier than holding back on something to begin with because having done it removes that “forbidden fruit” effect, and you realize, oh, not doing it actually isn’t that hard. (this may not go for some of the more emotionally intimate stuff). all this to say, if you’re doing something that you want to stop but feel like it’s too late because “you can’t go backwards”, it isn’t too late.
4. Don’t keep bringing up the thing you’re trying not to do with each other. make a plan then DON’T talk about how hard it is to stay at – you’ll likely convince each other of a LOT like that.
5. Find the sweet spot, where staying back is easier than going forward. There comes a point where the self control of staying a bit back is less effort than the self control required to ‘safely’ go forward – like staying closer to the edge of a river and fighting the urge to go out further is easier than fighting the current while you’re in it.
6. NEVER do something just because other person wants to. Your dis-want is more important than their want. Similarly, you must be willing to not do something that the other doesn’t want. Don’t use the fact that the other person wants to do something as an excuse to do something you really aren’t sure you’re comfortable with
7. Avoid media that gets thoughts going. Half the battle is in your thoughts. Don’t make it harder for yourself than it needs to be.
8. Accept that you won’t get it perfect and you’ll make mistakes. It’s a learning curve, and you’ll have to make course corrections. Mistakes aren’t un-fixable. The important thing is that you learn from them and don’t let them happen again.
9. If you’re a Christian, remember that God forgives. In the words of Jesus, go, and sin no more. If you’ve messed up, ask God for forgiveness and strength, then pick yourself back up and do better.
It’s just the sentiment behind them that I find so reprehensible. It’s this idea that men need a retreat away from the responsibilities of family life whereas women do not. I very seldom see people who have man caves also have a space for the woman and if they do it’s always significantly smaller, less equipped, and seldom used.
And the thing is men will often argue this point by saying “well she has the rest of the house” because they think that forcing their wives/girlfriends to do all of the administrative work around the house constitutes personal space. So they force their partners to become household managers wherein a daily flow is created that they are not involved enough to feel a part of, this creates a sense of disconnect from family life, and makes men feel as if they’re being bossed around in their wife’s home , which creates a need to “get away.” Which basically results in him hiding while his wife runs the household. Men think this is fair because they think that it’s natural for women to be household managers rather than realize she’s just picking up his slack.
it’s okay to be demisexual / demisexuality is a real and valid sexuality / you deserve to be respected as a demisexual person/ it’s okay to be proud of your demisexuality
Our amazingly excellent Planned Parenthood Sexual Assault Center and LGBTQ Health program teamed up to get some information out there about queer dating violence and assault. This is such an important topic for us to raise our voice about. There are a lot of conversations happening and we think it’s essential to make sure those conversations are happening in queer spaces and with an awareness of how this uniquely impacts queer people.
Also, should you need more information, here’s some LGBTQ specific sexual assault/violence information resources:
This resource - including information on an LGBT specific Wheel of Power and Control - is particularly helpful as it offers some information about how LGBTQ people often experience an additional layer(s) of power and control used to hurt them given the homophobia, heterosexism, transphobia, and biphobia that is unfortunately common in many LGBTQ people’s lives.
From their resources:
The specific ways that LGBTQ people might be impacted includes:
Tactics of Power & Control
“Outing” a partner’s sexual orientation or gender identity. Abusive partners in LGBTQ relationships may threaten to ‘out’ victims to family members, employers, community members and others.
Saying that no one will help the victim because s/he is lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender, or that for this reason, the partner “deserves” the abuse.
Justifying the abuse with the notion that a partner is not “really” lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (i.e. the victim may once have had/may still have relationships, or express a gender identity, inconsistent with the abuser’s definitions of these terms). This can be used both as a tool in verbal and emotional abuse as well as to further the isolation of a victim from the community.
Monopolizing support resources through an abusive partner’s manipulation of friends and family supports and generating sympathy and trust in order to cut off these resources to the victim. This is a particular issue to members of the LGBTQ community where they may be fewer specific resources, neighborhoods or social outlets.
Portraying the violence as mutual and even consensual, or as an expression of [toxic gendered] expectations or some other “desirable” trait
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) is the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization. RAINN created and operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800.656.HOPE, online.rainn.orgyrainn.org/es) in partnership with more than 1,000 local sexual assault service providers across the country.
When you call 800.656.HOPE (4673), you’ll be routed to a local RAINN affiliate organization based on the first six digits of your phone number. Cell phone callers have the option to enter the ZIP code of their current location to more accurately locate the nearest sexual assault service provider.
Abusive behaviors can manifest in several ways such as name-calling, demanding passwords, controlling purchases or pressuring someone to have sex, and although these behaviors seem pretty obvious, sometimes there are other subtle ways in which partners can throw off the healthy balance of equality in a relationship. Like we’ve said before, love alone isn’t enough to make a relationship work.
One of the behaviors that can throw an otherwise healthy relationship into a tailspin is the infamous “on again/off again” relationship. While these relationships might not show a clear pattern of behaviors designed to take power and control from someone (which we would label as abusive), we know they can be unhealthy, toxic and painful to deal with.
As usual, we’re not here to tell you to break up or stay with your partner, as we’re firm believers that you know your situation best—hey, you’re the expert in your relationship, and we trust you to make the best choice for yourself! However, we can tell you why the on again/off again relationship may not be a sustainable solution for your long-term emotional wellbeing and happiness.
