I’ve been dancing around finishing the current thing I’m writing, and I’m going to use this Tumbytumbtumb to take the edge off a bit.
I’ve left this place frozen in time in my mid-late 20′s when life was peachy and bright
Right now it’s bright like an explosion more than a summer day
Like a lot of people, I ~went through things~ during the pandanini, not the star of the show itself, thankfully, but all of the turmoil and intense pressure that forces one to change on the inside when they’re a bit stuck in place on the outside
Basically I
left my then-perfect job
got married
travelled to Japan
decided I wanted to pursue more creative things
and started realizing I probablydon’t really want two things I thought were just gonna have to be a part of my future:
a job
motherhood
My view on what I must do in life just drastically changed. I always had the feeling that jobs were sort of just a dance everyone got used to doing in life, but never felt comfortable just sitting by because I thought the music would never stop… but then it did. Then many people actually stopped dancing, and I realized my experiences and feelings were valid or something
Anyway, I saved up a bit so now I’m just going to see how long I can survive doing odd jobs and drawing, writing, singing, painting, and just trying to live on Earth while it’s possible.
Gif 1: Moonlight, II. Chiron. Chiron and Kevin are sitting side by side on the beach at night, twisting and so that their foreheads are leaned together. Kevin has his left hand curved around the back of Chiron’s neck, and he sways towards Chiron.
Gif 2: Saving Face. Vivian and Wil are lying next to each other on the floor in Vivian’s apartment living room, looking at each other. Their hands are resting loosely together under Wil’s chin, and Vivian pulls them towards her while moving her hand to gently grasp Wil’s wrist.
Gif 3: True Blood, season 7 episode 3. James and Lafayette are sitting next to each other on Lafayette’s couch, James is turned towards Lafayette and Lafayette is facing straight ahead. James is holding Lafayette’s chin gently with his left hand and pauses as he looks at Lafayette from under his eyelashes. He looks down just as Lafayette gives him an interested sideways glance.
Gif 4: Hello Again, The Actress and The Politician. Sally and Ruth are in an elevator, tucked into a corner and face to face in a near-embrace. Ruth is smiling indulgently and Sally grins widely as she leans a little closer and uncurls the fingers of her right hand against Ruth’s left cheek.
Greetings, dear Tumblr! I haven’t been active on here in a very long time. I wanted to write this post to explain where I’ve been, what I’m working on, and what’s going on with the future of this blog.
First things first, as I referenced late-last year, I moved back to Germany. (I say “back” because I’d spent my first tentative months here back in 2014.) This time, I came with the intention of staying long-term, so I had to apply for a work permit. That process took me nearly half a year, plus another 2 months before I got an official “tax number” (something freelancers are required to have), and in between all of the appointments, portfolio-building, etc., I have also spent a LOT of time looking for housing. Berlin’s housing market is tough, and since September of last year, I haven’t spent more than about 3 months in any given place. Constant moving/apartment searching is not my preferred way to spend vast stretches of my time when I could be living my life and pursuing my passions instead, but, alas, sometimes that stuff just needs to be done.
In the middle of this process — sometime back in November — I began having very odd problems with Tumblr. It was glitching to the point that I could do practically nothing with the site. I couldn’t even log out (without an interminable freeze) to try logging back in again! If I were tech-savvy, this might not have been an issue, but I’m not, so this went on until at leastsometime in December, at which point I decided, “You know what? Maybe I’m just not meant to be blogging here right now.” I took that as a sign to focus my attentions elsewhere for the time being.
At this point, I am now officially a resident of Germany, with permission to work as a freelance “Editor, Writer, und Writing Consultant.” I had to spend a lot of time building up my editing business in order to make a solid case for myself with the immigration bureau, and I mostly put writing and card reading aside while I was getting on my feet and pulling my application portfolio together. I specialize as an academic copyeditor with a strong focus also on editing creative work (e.g., personal essays, websites). You can read more about the editing I do here.As for the “Writer” bit, I haven’t branched out yet into the world of writing original pieces for pay, but writing is my dream, so hopefully I’ll be moving in that direction soon. In the mean time, since I deliver tarot readings as written reports, I am still able to offer readings. (More on my tarot readings in a moment.) And the “Writing Consultant” bit on my work permit… well, that’s basically just an aspect of my editing work; I blend my teaching and editing experience with insights from creative writing study in order to help clients become stronger writers themselves. I love helping people become more confident and effective communicators, as well as — when we are working together on memoir-style narratives of theirs — helping them to find a deeper sense of meaning in and appreciation for their own life stories. So, these are some of the things I am allowed to do to support myself here on this visa. If you ever need editinghelp,if you want a coach for writing (or personal development throughwriting), if you’d like a tarot reading, or if you would like to hire me to write an article, please let me know!
Back to tarot: as mentioned, I spent a long time focusing almost exclusively on building my editing business. I sometimes find it difficult to switch between the analytical mindset of academic editing and the intuitive/creative mindset of tarot reading, and since the editing work makes an easier sell with immigration officials, I prioritized that. At the same time, my life circumstances, for a while now, haven’t been very conducive to the downtime, alone time, and/or grounding work I find to be an integral part of maintaining the clear mind and peaceful heart from which I prefer to offer guidance. As I focused so intensely on basic survival/immigration concerns (e.g., finding a series of apartments, taking on sometimes-excessive hours of editing work) and on managing the anxiety that many of these challenges triggered, I decided I preferred not to make myself available for readings. I feel clearer and more centered now — as well as thankful that I don’t have any immediately pressing immigration-related needs to address — so myEtsy shop will be going back “on.”
On that note, getting settled here and grounding more fully in my inner peace are somewhat ongoing efforts, so you may see my Etsy shop going in and out of vacation mode at times. But I’ve been reading cards since I was 16 (That’s more than half my life now, wow!), and it’s something I truly love to do, so I anticipate I will just keep coming back to it. Given that I now live in Europe, on the Euro, I’ve changed my prices to Euro. However, being from the U.S.A., I’m sympathetic to the fact that the exchange rate is not always kind. I try not to make a habit of running a bargaining-based business model because I believe in charging a fair price from the get-go, but if the exchange rate is ever particularly harsh for you, feel free to ask me about minor adjustments; I’d be glad to try to find a way to work with your needs.
As for my writing, I’ve toyed with the idea of starting a new blog; I took the Tumblr glitching last year as a sign as well, perhaps, that it was time for me to seek a new platform. When I have the new blog figured out, I will gladly share it with you. It will probably have a somewhat different focus than this one took on over the years; I began this blog as an outlet for the simple fact that I love to reflect on life and write about it. I find it helpful to “practice” writing about daily life, as that keeps me evolving as a memoirist. Life is beautiful, life is magical, the adventure of being here is an incredible gift, and taking the time to reflect on what we’re living and to mine it for meaning makes our journeys all the richer and more fulfilling. For me, writing about daily life is, in itself, a spiritual practice. (Many artists would say the same about their own art, I’d wager.) It is also a huge part of the way that I “learn” — and have any “spiritual” insights to share — in the first place. So you will likely see more memoir-style stuff on there, once it’s up and running. I still want to include reflective philosophical pieces though, too, so it will be a mix. I’m not sure how much of a Q&A format the new blog will take (like this blog has had in the past); that will depend largely on how much I can feasibly convert blogging into work that can sustain me. However, I’m open-minded about how it will evolve. :) In the mean time, again, I am happy to offer personalized guidance for you in the form of tarot card readings.
And finally: a (hopefully uplifting) word about twin flames. You might have noticed that, even before i disappeared from Tumblr, I stopped writing much about twin flames. This is simply because I don’t feel I have much more to say about them than what I have already said. I might, of course, come across more inspiration in the future — in which case I will very excitedly write new posts! — but I have always believed that, regardless of the labels you do or don’t apply to a person, the same fundamental guidelines UNIVERSALLY apply: mutual respect (including mutual respect for boundaries); speaking your heart in a loving way; remembering that healthy, unconditional love is non-attached; reminding yourself that unconditional love has no price (including the fact that you will NEVER need to “earn” unconditional love through suffering); checklists aren’t definitive; labels are unnecessary; no program or to-do list is necessary for what’s meant to be; and no personal growth program, to-do list, or service that comes from an ethical mindset and is worth your while will promise you any given outcome or another regarding someone else’s free will. In other words, finding peace with a twin flame situation is not aboutlabels, “payment” in any form, chasing, manipulations, etc. I suspect that just about anything I have ever had to say about “twin flames” or anyother kind of relationship will reflect these core beliefs. Of course, my beliefs are just that: mybeliefs. This doesn’t mean that they are THE beliefs, much less beliefs that anyone else must share. But to explain where I come from when I reflect on matters of love, I don’t see my beliefs on love as particularly New Age; they don’t involve a reliance on spiritual “hierarchies,” on channeled messages from love “authorities,” on schedules of “DNA upgrades” (or any other claims masquerading as science). That isn’t to say that I think less of anyone for following other paths or entertaining other lines of thought: just that, aside from messages about PURE LOVE — no bells, whistles, celestial/extraterrestrial third parties, or “upgrades” required — just love, which is awe-inspiring in itself … I don’t feel I have much else, on the phenomenon, to offer. ;) So I don’t see myself writing much “new” content on twin flames in the coming months, though that isn’t to say I won’t return to or refine an idea I expressed previously. I truly hope you can continue to find comfort and guidance in what I’ve already written here on the subject over the years. And even more importantly, I hope that you can connect with the comfort and guidance your own beautiful heart has been waiting to share with you. ♡
If you’ve read this far, thank you very much! My “return” to Tumblr is going to be very sporadic for the time being, because I need to keep focusing the majority of my time and energy on holdin’ it down, payin’ the bills, settlin’ in (including learning Deutsch!), and all that jazz. In a dream world, I can eventually build up enough of an income through writing and guidance services that I can put the editing aside and devote more time to my online presence, interacting with readers. I’m not there juuuust yet, but I’m excited for the journey, and I am very appreciative for your interest in my writing along the way. Knowing that people look forward to and find something valuable in my words means a great deal to me and is an important part of what keeps me coming back to, and trying to find a way to live from, my passions. My hope for you is that you, too, can connect with and build a life around yours.
Here’s an odd one — a shy little random rainbow on the drawer of a chest in my office, barely visible on the wood. I slid a piece of paper in to make it easier to see. Haven’t had many rainbows lately; I can only conclude that my ghost has been busy elsewhere. I’m glad he’s back — I use the pronoun deliberately, because the various manifestations seem to be related to Danny Phoenix. I could be wrong though.
Anyway, whoever it is, it’s always a playful and friendly spirit.
I’ve been off Tumblr for over a year, and off most social media for most of that time. I feel like the break has been good for my mental health, and probably for my career.
Long story short, I was on the faculty job market last year, and the process was as grueling as they say. After dozens of applications a few finalist interviews, and basically a wasted January and February, I wound up in April 2019 with nothing to show for it. I came close, but close doesn’t count when someone else gets the job.
Suffice to say, I spent the latter two-thirds of 2019 in “Hello Darkness My Old Friend” Mode, that is, a fairly continuous low-key depression, racked with impostor syndrome and convinced that I could never go on the academic job market again. However, the prospect of working in AI for some giant corporation, building weapons systems, helping the Chinese government surveil their citizens, or improving some schlubby company’s ad click-through rate was even less appealing, so fortunately my PI was generous enough to extend my postdoc for another year while I sorted myself out.
In the end, I went back on the job market. It seemed twice as grueling this time, as I sent out 50% more applications, but got fewer responses, fewer interviews, and fewer finalist callbacks.
But, maybe the intervening year gave me the practice I needed to talk about my research better, and it became clearer where I would really fit. In the end, it only takes one, and finally I’m able to announce that I’ll be moving to Fort Collins, Colorado in August to start as Assistant Professor of Computer Science at Colorado State University! The fact is, I really can’t see myself doing anything else but being a professor.
Fittingly, just as I seem to be getting my shit straight, the world appears to be falling apart, but at least I have a new website! Click here: https://www.nikhilkrishnaswamy.com
I’m always eager to hear from potential students and collaborators. Anyone out there interested in pursuing graduate study in computational linguistics, AI, and multimodality, I’m happy to talk.
I’ll keep this Tumblr open, though I’m not sure how active I’ll be. You can also follow me on…
Uhhhhh I haven’t posted on tumblr in forever, but it seems some people are coming back! I’ll try to link my accounts so it’ll automatically post to tumblr again.
Trying to do some cleaning and unfollow a bunch of dead and unrecognized accounts first!
