#janae writes poetry
pity(adj.)
/ˈpidē/
:motivated by a sense of pity or sympathy for others or for oneself (i.e. pity sex)
the voice in my head
keeps stabbing needles
into the backs of my eyes
telling me it isn’t real
that you don’t want me
and you just want me to stop crying
myself to sleep every goddamn night
i know it’s self harm
but i started listening
to that playlist again
sometimes the pain of my memories
is the only thing i can remember
how to feel
maybe when i’m gone
someone will find these lonely words
that filled so many cold and empty nights
and realize that i wasn’t lying
and i wasn’t looking for attention
i just wanted a reason to stay alive
- j.
trigger(verb)
/ˈtriɡər/
: (especially of something read, seen, or heard) distress (someone), typically as a result of arousing feelings or memories associated with a particular traumatic experience.
i thought about it again today—
a cold bathtub,
a high bridge,
a sharp knife.
i just can’t stop the tears
from spilling over and down.
maybe it’s hormones,
or the world is just fucking awful,
and everything is fucking falling apart,
and i can’t do a goddamn thing—
but lay in the dark.
and cry as the clock ticks later,
and my pillow gets damper,
anxiety upon anxiety upon anxiety—
i just want to be fucking done.
doesn’t a lifetime of suffering
deserve a tiny glimmer of hope?
is there even a point anymore,
or am i just adding my pain
to the vast emptiness?
when will it end?
23 years later
and i still don’t have the answer.
it’s not 42—
it’s lonelyemptycoldhorribleneverendingpleasemakeitstop.
- j.
sullen(adj.)
/ˈsələn/
:bad-tempered and sulky; gloomy.
i don’t know what’s wrong with me
i can feel the distance
like the smell of rain on the wind
when the earth is cracked and dry
just be over so i can breathe again
lately I’ve been questioning everything
and nothing makes sense
i wake up emotionless
and fall asleep in pain
just be over so i can breathe again
is being alive a privilege
when the world is hurting
or have i doomed myself
to fall like jericho?
just be over so i can breathe again
just be over so i don’t breathe again
- j.
melancholy(adj.)
mel·an·choly | \ ˈme-lən-ˌkä-lē
: suggestive or expressive of sadness or depression of mind or spirit
days of rain without the sun
waking up in the middle of the night
alone beside you
tears running down my face
your hand on mine
but lightyears away
the sticky blackness choking me
and blocking my air
the panic attacks i battle to keep down
count my breaths
in
and
out
in
and
out
i can do this
i can’t do this
I CAN’T DO THIS
in
and
out
honesty hurts
and sometimes living a lifetime of lies
is better than the truth
i’m sorry
its a weight only i can carry
- j.
i’m not trying to guilt you
but it’s hard not to feel neglected
when the only time you’re spending with me
is in front of the tv
with your phone in your hand
it’s hard not to hurt
as i’m laying here in bed
wanting you beside me
but you’re far away
like every day this week
and you say you’ll come in and snuggle later
but it doesn’t count if i fall asleep before you do
- j.
