#joker moreau
WIP Kaidan x f!Sheprd x Joker playing truth or dare.
“You know this is a drinking game. Lighthearted? You’re supposed to be asking immature stuff like what did you name your dick?”
“Fine,” Shepard grins, “what did you name your dick?”
“Nope. Not falling for that. Not my turn.”
They look at Kaidan, who seems a bit alarmed, but answers dutifully.
“Mr. Glowstick.”
“What?!”Joker sputters on a half-laugh. “No. No.That’s the worst.Why would you do that to yourself?”
“I was twelve.”
“Well in that case, I’m surprised you didn’t name it blue balls.”
“Joker,why would I name my dick,blue balls?”
“Because you’re terrible at naming things. I thought we already established that.”
Shepard slings an arm across Joker’s shoulder and carefully refills his glass. “Think you can do better?”
“Yes. I can. Absolutely,” he grins. “Wait for it. Normandy’s Forward Canon. Best dick name of all time. I know. I have a database. I’ve checked.”
Shepard makes a sound alarmingly close to a giggle — oh shit they’re gonna die the world is ending — while Kaidan just gapes at him.
“Did you just name it that?”
“Well, three years ago, yeah. I was the Normandy’s first formal crew member. I’m allowed.”
Kaidan frowns. “Wait. You were the first crew member? They never assign flight first. How did you manage that?”
Joker smirks. “That’s classified.”
“He stole the ship,” Shepard doesn’t miss a beat.
“I stole the ship,” Joker nods. “So technically I stole it twice.”He gestures between them. “See?We’re talking about dicks and crime! Much better than talking about our emotions, am I right?”
The hilarity in the room tempers almost at once.
Joker winces. “So…”he swirls his semi-full glass around awkwardly. “Anybody do more crimes? Or… have more dicks, or anything?”
Joker: This is a bad idea.
Traynor: Nonsense, this is the perfect opportunity to get some answers!
Joker: The man shot at us! What if he just pulls a gun?
Traynor: Aha! That’s why I brought… this.
Traynor: *pulls out a knife*
Joker: What’s that supposed to do?
Traynor: Well you know what they say about bringing a knife to a gunfight!
Joker: That it’s… bad?
Traynor: Oh my god, is that what that means
Joker: Ok Shepard, what has a small penis and hangs down?
Shepard: I don’t know, what?
Joker: a bat!
Joker: now, what has an enormous penis and hangs up?
Shepard: I don’t know
Joker, turns his comm off:
EDI: Jeff, I need help.
Joker: I’m busy.
EDI: Please, it’s urgent.
[Joker walks over and looks at EDI’s monitor to see a ‘I am not a robot’ CAPTCHA]
Joker: We’ve been over this! Just click the little box!
EDI: Jeff, please.
Joker: The way to a woman’s heart is through pizza rolls and lying.
Shepard: Rock, paper, scissors!
[Only Vega has put out rock.]
Vega: [to Joker] You’re doing shadow puppets? What the hell is that?
Joker: Can’t you see? It’s a crab. A crab.
Shepard: [has finger puppets] Well, this is better than last time…Your rock can’t stand up to my family here.
Vega: What family is that?!
Shepard: [moving the dad puppet] You should just admit defeat!
Vega: Goddamn it, it’s rock, paper, scissors!
Shepard: You lose, Vega. Work hard now.
Vega: Why do I lose?!
Shepard, walking into the room: What’s wrong with you guys? You all usually can’t keep your mouths closed.
Tali: *passes Shepard a note that reads “five way jinx”*
Shepard: Five way jinx? Really?
Garrus: *passes Shepard a note that reads “yes, really!”*
Shepard: Alright, fine. Zaeed, Tali, Joker, Garrus, Jack.
Everyone, shouting at once:Unjinxed!
Jack: *gasps for air*
Zaeed: You don’t have to hold your breath when you’re jinxed, Jack.
Jack: I play prison rules.
Joker: They play jinx in prison?
Shepard: You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast?
Joker: Several traffic violations.
Jack: Three counts of resisting arrest.
Garrus: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks.
Jack: Oh yeah, also, that’s not our ship
I’ll Help You With It: Garrus Vakarian, Tali’Zorah, Kaidan Alenko, Liara T’Soni, Dr. Chakwas
Yeah, Sure: Steve Cortez, Joker Moreau, Greg Adams
Bold of You to Assume I Did the Homework: James Vega
LOL, Nope: Ashley Williams, EDI, Urdnot Wrex (too busy running things on Tuchanka)
Wait, We Had Homework: Samantha Traynor
Read at 5:55 P.M.: Udina, Citadel Council, David Anderson (can’t respond due to lack of internet on Earth)
Bonus Answer
It Is Not Too Late To Throw Your Homework Out the Airlock: Javik
I’ll Help You With It: Garrus Vakarian, Kelly Chambers, Tali’Zorah
Yeah, Sure: Thane Krios, Grunt, Legion
Bold of You to Assume I Did the Homework: Joker Moreau, Kasumi Goto
LOL Nope: Miranda Lawson, Jack, Zaeed Massani
Wait, We Had Homework: Jacob Taylor
Read at 5:55 P.M.: The Illusive Man, Samara (she doesn’t understand messaging that well)
I’ll Help You With It: Liara T’Soni, Kaidan Alenko, Dr. Chakwas
Yeah, Sure: Tali’Zorah, David Anderson, Urdnot Wrex (but you have to pay him)
Bold of You to Assume I Did the Homework: Garrus Vakarian, Joker Moreau
LOL Nope: Ashley Williams, Greg Adams
Wait We Had Homework: Charles Pressley, Jenkins
Read at 5:55 P.M.: Udina, Citadel Council
