#judgmental

One Ramadan, I’d gotten really sick. I was sweating buckets, throwing up, and suffering endless rounds of diarrhea. It occurred to me halfway through the day that it was plainly wrong to continue fasting in this state, especially since I had a duty to family members who depended on me. Even so, as I took my first sip of water with my medicine, I felt a different kind of nausea: good old fashioned religious guilt.

Somewhere in all of our hearts, there’s a small corner reserved for the voices of our communities’ judgmental uncles and aunties. Their voices are always whispering, and their eyes are always on us. It’s like a twisted, sick version of an omniscient god, to whom obedience is more important than, you know, actual morality. 

We hear their voices every time we pop in earbuds to listen to music. We hear them when we hang out with friends who drink. We hear their angry whispers when we read any book besides the Qur’an (and medical school textbooks). We feel their burning gaze as we fight for LGBTQ rights, advocate feminism, or even, God forbid, speak with an American accent. 

These aren’t the effects of a guilty conscience. These are paranoid fears of an irrational ideology. We know those opinions aren’t even Islamic in the least. After all, how can you ever Islamically justify corralling women into dungeon-like conditions in Allah’s House when they share the same open space as men in the Prophet’s own mosque? 

The voices in our heads are simply that: voices. They’re disembodied, removed from actual people. What they represent is our own understanding of our religious tradition and heritage. Somewhere along the way, we’ve come to believe that Islam is restrictive and rigid. This belief keeps us in line, and allows the power-mongering creeps in our community to hold one over us. Sure, we don’t believe in the voices personally, but since everyone is aware of these voices, we indirectly perpetuate them. When we hear that a convert was driven out of a mosque simply because he had tattoos, how many of us moved immediately to impeach the mosque board or personally reached out to the convert? Yeah.

So some Muslims, exasperated, leave Islam altogether. They cannot reconcile the differences between their consciences and what a judgmental, angry, racist, sexist, and xenophobic  “Islam” asks of them. The rest of us hang on, but bitterly resent a beautiful tradition being bent into chains. 

These chains only exist so long as we believe they’re there. In fact, they’re barely there as it is. Try counting how many backbiting, opportunistic, evil bigots there are in your local community; I’d be surprised if there were more than a dozen. There will always be more Frodos than gollums. They will always be a minority. All we have to do is own Islam for ourselves, to live unapologetically and proudly as Muslims of our own accord. 

“Haters gonna hate. Keep calm and Muslim on.” 

- Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), somewhat paraphrased

Judging someone you don’t know by what they wear or what their hair style is, is petty and so are you if you’re doing that shit

…but I got a really patronising question on Ask.fm the other day and thought I would share both the question and my answer. 

Context: I am in the process of converting to Judaism. 

As a feminist and a lefty, why do you want to convert to an archaic, misogynistic, white-supremacist heteropatriarchal Abrahamic religion such as Judaism? Like, it’s not that different from CofE, so why dont you just stick with Christianity? Or convert to something more progressive like Buddhism?

Ok. Why don’t I “stick with Christianity”? Because I’ve never BEEN Christian or CofE (Church of England). I spent my whole childhood going to schools where I learnt about Christian values and about Jesus, sang hymns that I didn’t understand and said prayers I didn’t believe in, where at my (Quaker-founded) high school 40% of the girls were Muslim or Hindu or Sikh which really summed up the ridiculousness of school-enforced religion to me. I’ve never really approached Christianity of my own will, and I’ve never felt it’s the “right” path for me. I don’t feel that way about Judaism. Judaism makes sense to me. You can tell me it’s misogynistic, patriarchal, not progressive etc, but I know that the Judaism I’m learning is none of those things. It’s helping me see my life as part of a whole, to take responsibility for my life and also to be thankful that I’m here at all and able to make this choice. I’m pretty much done answering judgemental questions on conversion now, thanks.

Anon wrote: Isfj. Recently found out that a colleague is anti vax & doesn’t believe in sci. I feel rlly conflicted now. I like her, she’s not rlly harming anyone + if I step in her shoes I can sorta get why she thinks like that. But every time she’s anti research/sci, I get v irritated. I don’t like superstitions & dislike when things aren’t based on facts. She has a lot of privilege and implies that she’s victimized & oppressed over sth she herself chose.

I and my social circle have also always been anti anti-vaxx. I guess I realized I made it my identity to be ‘liberal’, open-minded, critical thinking, accepting (which ironically includes being anti anti-vaxx). But turns out I’m a lot more judgmental and black and white than I thought. And ok I guess I judge her for her privilege. But I have a lot of privilege too. Idk. Everything I judge her for, I have a counter point for too. My thoughts are a mess. Advice?

——————-

I don’t think you fully understand what it means to be judgmental. You seem to be confusing “critical thinking” and “critical judgmentalness”. The two are not the same. It’s good that you’re sensing a problem here, as that produces an opportunity to learn and grow.

- Critical thinking involves respecting factual information, weighing information objectively, and making decisions impartially. If you are the kind of person who values the truth and acting in accordance with the truth, then you will take on the duty to clarify the facts, be fair-minded in your evaluations, and correct bad decisions that were biased or prejudiced in some way. Does this duty extend to others? Only in cases where harm is being done, and you would certainly need to justify that the moral harm is severe enough to warrant interfering with someone else’s autonomy and agency.

- Judgmentalness involves being critical for egotistical reasons, meaning that the criticism is usually unwarranted, excessive, or ultimately pointless. Usually, judgmentalness is a means to cover up a psychological problem such as an inferiority complex, helplessness, or chronic resentment. Being judgmental means you cherry-pick “facts”, you manipulate information to suit a narrative of your liking, and you make decisions that favor yourself at the expense of others. If you are a judgmental person, you don’t value truth as a high ideal, rather, you only value your own version of the truth and ignore everything else. The main goal is to ensure that you don’t have to confront the truth of your underlying psychological problem.

Full disclosure, I’m on your side of this issue, so I can sympathize. However, it’s important to acknowledge that controversial issues are confusing because there’s a lot going on that needs sorting out, which makes them open for debate. If you were in possession of the “Absolute Final Truth”, shouldn’t you and everyone automatically bow down to the power of it, because there would be no grounds whatsoever to object to it? But that’s not the case, because the issue is not as clear cut as you believe.

In other words, when it comes to debating, both sides usually have some important points to make, regardless of how poorly the participants are communicating them. This is not to say that you must relent, submit, or be friends with people you disagree with. It means that the only way forward is to acknowledge that there might be some merit in what they’re saying, even as you disagree with their approach or their final conclusions.

In your situation, you are coming from the standpoint of someone who respects critical thinking and the truth… at first. However, whenever you meet someone you strongly disagree with, you easily spiral into judgmentalness, and then start engaging in social status games. Why? Because you, yourself, equate your beliefs with your identity. This reveals something about your ego development.

This habit of identifying with beliefs creates the problem of being unable to address false beliefs without feeling personally attacked and/or using personal attacks during what should be a calm and reasonable debate. It makes communication very difficult. Being wrong is not the same as being bad, so you can call out falsity without attacking people personally, can’t you? Is it not possible to separate a person from their beliefs or behaviors?

Stepping back to be objective isn’t easy, because we each have an ego that wants what it wants and leads us to obfuscate the truth. But objectivity is necessary for developing the ability to influence and persuade people in the right way. Additionally, lack of objectivity often reveals a lack of humility that enables arrogance in your own beliefs. Walking around thinking that your beliefs are superior, you’ll often find yourself locked into resentments, warfare, or stalemates, with lots of hard feelings to go around. It’s not great for your Fe development, is it?

To be looked at by Annagramma was to know that you’d already taken up too much of her valuable time.

Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky

“It’s the version my grandmother taught me,” said Oats.

“She was keen on crushing infidels?”

“Well, mainly I think she was in favor of crushing Mrs. Ahrim next door, but you’ve got the right idea, yes. She thought the world would be a better place with a bit more crushing and smiting.”

“Prob'ly true.”

“Not as much smiting and crushing as she’dlike, though, I think,” said Oats. “A bit judgmental, my grandmother.”

“Nothing wrong with that. Judging is human.”

“We prefer to leave it ultimately to Om,” said Oats and, out here in the dark, that statement sounded lost and all alone.

“Bein’ human means judgin’ all the time,” said the voice behind him. “This and that, good and bad, making choices every day…that’s human.”

“And are you so sure you make the right decisions?”

“No. But I do the best I can.”

“And hope for mercy, eh?”

The bony finger prodded him in the back.

“Mercy’s a fine thing, but judgin’ comes first. Otherwise you don’t know what you’re bein’ merciful about.”

Terry Pratchett, Carpe Jugulum

We live in a world where we judge not by the content but by the shell. I recently found myself in this, judging by the social look instead of the beautiful intent. Not bothering to listen to the words or the meaning, sticking my nose up at the idea of something nor my style. Forgetting myself, forgetting you can have meaning as well as a trendy beat. You can be passionate about something without having to give up on you even if it isnt exactly societies expectation. We too often get stuck in our preconceived idea of what passion is meant to look like. It isn’t always that indie soulful band singing their hearts out to a small crowd. Or the young woman in the back of the coffee shop typing furiously at her keyboard about equality. It can look like perky trendsetters pondering on our reality over a bubbly beat. We talk about breaking the molds everyday, only to ironically create more molds on who is allowed to break those molds.

Ok so I never use this thing. Like, ever. But I’m tired of using (and seeing people use) Facebook for rants. This is something that has been bothering me for a while, so I have to get it out. I’m not a writer, so bare with me.

First, you should know that I, myself, am a Christian. I bet some of you just rolled your eyes and are thinking about scrolling right past my rant. Don’t. You are the one that needs to hear this. I guarantee this article isn’t going to say what you think it is.

I’m not your “typical” Christian. I’m not what people would call “super Christian”. Or “very” or “extremely” Christian. I support gay rights. I don’t go to church every Sunday. I don’t know a lot of stories in the bible. I was raised baptist. I would probably currently consider myself non-denominational. I was a member of the Christian sorority in college, Sigma Alpha Omega. I married an agnostic and he is the love of my life. I believe in God. I believe in Jesus and that He died for our sins. I believe in loving others despite their flaws and sins. Despite their different views from mine. I believe that is the most important lesson you can learn from Christianity.

Unfortunately, that’s not what people see in us.

8 times out of 10 (random statistic), when someone says “that person is a Christian” to someone of a different belief, eyes are rolled. The first thought that runs through their mind is “I bet they’re extremely judgemental” “they hate gays” “I better watch what I say around them.” Negativity. Christianity has become a synonym, to some, to negativity.

This is not ok.

I work with nothing but atheists/agnostics. I love them. They are amazing and hilarious people and I absolutely love working with them. Lately in the office, I’ve heard the term “extremely Christian” thrown around. Shortly followed by rolling eyes and “ugh.” I won’t deny it, even I’ve done it a few times. They are referring to someone who is judgmental, “old-fashioned,” “gay-hating,” maybe even Donald Trump-loving. (I won’t get any further into politics…it’s not my thing.)

But I was thinking hard about it one day and I realized something. Why is “extremely Christian” a negative thing? “Extremely Christian,” to me, should mean “full of love.” “NOT judgmental.” “Accepting.” Positivity. I’ve read recently that the Christian population in the US is dwindling. This breaks my heart. People are blinded by the bigotry and negativity of these “extreme Christians.” They aren’t seeing the love that God and Jesus has for us because it is not showing through these “extreme Christians.” Unfortunately, the negativity speaks louder than positivity so the Christians that are actually showing the unconditional love that the Lord has for us are being ignored. The Christians that show this love should be the “extreme Christians.”

Too many times I’ve heard “they were really nice…for Christians.” “Wow, you’re not a typical Christian. You’re cool.” This just isn’t ok. And people don’t realize what they’re saying. It’s like a backhanded compliment.

Are you guys getting what I’m saying here? The people we are calling “extremely Christian” don’t deserve that name. Call them whatever else, but they aren’t showing what Christianity is about.

It goes to show the bigotry can go both ways. And maybe bigotry is too harsh of a word. Some “Christians” immediately judge when they hear that someone is gay. At the same time, others immediately judge when they hear that someone is Christian.

I’m not trying to be all butt-hurt and offended like everyone else in 2015. I know these rants rarely altar anyone’s thoughts or opinions. I doubt many will even see this. But it needed to be said and I needed to get it out. Sorry for all the quotation marks. Thank you for your time. You may continue your day as you were.