I love my bed! It’s the one place where I am completely comfortable. It engulfs my body and relaxes me. During my treatments for cancer, I found that I was sleeping a lot. My body needed the rest. I needed an escape. So my bed became my haven. Whenever I would lie down I would fill my thoughts with beautiful scenery and would meditate myself to sleep. Not only did sleep help my body to heal, it gave my mind a break. I didn’t have to worry. All I had to do was lay down and dream my worries away. This was my time out, my comfort zone, and my sanity. Still to this day if something bothers me or my body can’t take anymore, I will go and lie down and put my worries to rest. Everyone needs a comfort zone. Find something that takes your mind off your troubles and indulge in that activity. You will find that it eases your burdens and stabilizes your thoughts.
There are so many times I feel resentment toward cancer and what it did to me. I feel like a shadow of my former self. I remember what life was like before I was sick and I see my life now. I have nearly lost everything in my battle with cancer. Yet, I have gained new life – a second chance. I want to live this new life, however, pain and sorrow fill me because I can no longer do some of the things I used to. In my second change of life, it has given me new sight. I remember my old self and know now how to make changes to improve my current self. Before I would have never had the time to write or draw. I would have never created a new dream. I would have been stuck wondering if there was more out there. Now I try to seek a brighter future. A life filled with more dreams a life filled with taking chances, and becoming the real me, not a shadow of what I thought was me.
Cancer completely stopped my current life style. I wasn’t given a choice. One day I am dancing the next day I am dying. The day I went to the hospital was the day my life changed forever. I was very upset and at times I still feel the harassment of change. I am not as strong as I used to be. I can no longer dance and I have to walk with a cane. Everything about who I was is gone. I had to reinvent myself. Sometimes I am left confused and angry. Other times I feel grateful and strong. There is not a day that goes by, I don’t feel empty and forgotten. I have to remember that my life was spared. Even though I have limitations, I know I can be successful as long a I know my life will continue cancer free. I don’t know if I could handle another battle. I don’t think my body would be strong enough.
When a rock hits the water it sends ripples of water to the shore line. The same is true with cancer. Once it hits you, it sends ripples throughout your body and hits your bones like a blade. Yet, these ripples alert your system and give you the sensation of arousal because you finally realize how important your life is. There are other ripples in our lives and sometimes we notice them and sometimes we don’t, but we feel the affects none the less. Our lives can take a new direction, either consciously or unconsciously. Either way we were constructed to be able to with stand the waves in our lives. They may be heart retching but we are strong enough to handle the pain. We need to remember that life is but a stones throw and we are the water. We need to remain full of life and able to endure. The ripples only enhance the sensation of living.
There are many faces in life. A large percent of our communication is based on physical movement and facial expressions. When we are sick the emotion shows just like when we are happy. Sometimes there ids doubt and frustration. We put our faith into doctors and other medical staff. They will tell you that what you are experiencing is normal! There is nothing normal about chemo or radiation therapy. Doctors always ask how you’re doing when they should be able to read it on your face. There are times we fell doubtful and uneasy about our treatments and our progression or even regression. If only all that could be replaced with reassurance that or lives will continue on a more normal path in life and that we would know for certain that we will survive another day.
The heart is the strongest organ in your body. It pumps life into your veins and makes sure your body has enough energy to keep living. When your heart is threatened – your life hangs in the balance. Chemo treatments weaken your heart and leaves you open to several aliments. Not only do you have to worry about the cancer and treatments, you also have to worry about your immune system and heart failure. It’s a very destructive feeling and quite frightening. It leaves you with the feeling of being tormented by the thought of the loss of life. Now, what we can look forward to is a complete healing. Exercise for you heart like cardio vascular ones can help to keep your heart strong. We must protect ourselves from any more damage. Then we pray that the treatments work and we will be cancer free and have a second chance at life. Most of it depends on how strong we are as individuals.
We really don’t know what life has in store for us. We can plan all our activities and where we would like to be in 5 years, but the truth is, it is all left to chance. Planning is good because it keeps us focused on life itself. Yet, we are never prepared for disaster. We want to believe that life will go as planned and any thing that interferes, we can just dismiss. However, when cancer strikes your life – plans automatically change. No one likes change! We have to change our life styles and our daily plans. Nothing hurts more than knowing you are no longer capable of achieving your original goals. It makes you feel incomplete and isolated. The good thing is that you can set new goals and plan for a new future. It’s almost as if you were given a second chance. This time you want to live like there is no tomorrow.
There’s a saying, “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around – does it make a sound?” The obvious answer is yes! Cancer patients are like a broken tree in the forest. We live in our own environment. Try to endure and praise comforts. Yet, when we brake, people ignore our sounds. Or at least some do. Cancer is hard on everyone whether they have it or not. A family stands with you to help you along the way, but they cannot experience your inner pains, needs, hurts, or suffering. They can only stand by your side and try to help you stand strong. To help you through the damage being caused by the cancer. Sometimes it causes great concern because they don’t know how to fix the problem or take away you illness, they so desperately want the torment to end. All we want is to be whole again. To be able to stand firm and solid. To not be broken! If only there was some magical key that would unlock the cure to cancer then everyone would be given a fair chance to survive.
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