#low functioning

I remember when I was 16. I stopped going to school and started just laying in bed. The only time I would get up was when I needed the bathroom or wanted to eat.

This one time, in a one sided argument, my mom said that she would love to be me, laying in bed all day, being lazy and doing nothing.

I don’t think she understood how fucking depressing it was to live life in a state of isolation and feel like you can’t escape it.

Laying in bed for days isn’t relaxing.

Doing nothing with your life isn’t peaceful

Being in a state of low-functioning depression doesn’t mean you are lazy.

Sometimes I woke up and forced myself back to sleep because I had no reason to be awake.

When I rolled to the empty side of the bed, my bones would crack, and my muscles would stiffen.

I couldn’t get comfortable at all.

I was dirty from going days without showering

I had to cut my long hair because it was so matted that I couldn’t even run a toothpick through it.

I was exhausted even tho I did absolutely nothing for the past couple months.

See, the fact that I was doing nothing made me feel even more hopeless about my future. The fact that I was doing nothing made me feel guilty and shameful.

I woke up everyday with a desire to die, because I knew I wasn’t going to make it anywhere in life.

The only distraction I had was my iPod.

Even switching through the same 3 fucking apps wasn’t fun anymore,

There was no joy, no happiness. No reason to live… and I think the thing that hurt the most was simply existing.

I don’t think my mom would have loved to be me…

Little did she know that the life she lived, was the one I craved, but also, the one I felt like I would never be able to achieve.

I often think back to those bleak times and wonder how I even made it through the day…but somehow I did…because now I’m in the student council for the high school that I will be graduating from this year…

I never believed in the light at the end of the tunnel until finally saw it for myself.

It just took some work :)