#depressing but true

LIVE

Physically, I am here but my mind is wondering somewhere else. So no, I’m not really here.

I kept trying to convince myself that i was just having a few bad days until one heavy night, I began to question if this life was even worth living anymore.

It’s depressing…waking up to almost nothing. To the same four, stained walls, and the same strong desire to die…it’s unbearable.

Most days, I wonder if I should just end it, so I could move onto the next life, and hope that it’s better one.

Fiend: how come you never look both ways when crossing the street?

Me: I don’t know, sometimes I just wanna die..

Friend:….

Me: haha just kidding…

I remember when I was 16. I stopped going to school and started just laying in bed. The only time I would get up was when I needed the bathroom or wanted to eat.

This one time, in a one sided argument, my mom said that she would love to be me, laying in bed all day, being lazy and doing nothing.

I don’t think she understood how fucking depressing it was to live life in a state of isolation and feel like you can’t escape it.

Laying in bed for days isn’t relaxing.

Doing nothing with your life isn’t peaceful

Being in a state of low-functioning depression doesn’t mean you are lazy.

Sometimes I woke up and forced myself back to sleep because I had no reason to be awake.

When I rolled to the empty side of the bed, my bones would crack, and my muscles would stiffen.

I couldn’t get comfortable at all.

I was dirty from going days without showering

I had to cut my long hair because it was so matted that I couldn’t even run a toothpick through it.

I was exhausted even tho I did absolutely nothing for the past couple months.

See, the fact that I was doing nothing made me feel even more hopeless about my future. The fact that I was doing nothing made me feel guilty and shameful.

I woke up everyday with a desire to die, because I knew I wasn’t going to make it anywhere in life.

The only distraction I had was my iPod.

Even switching through the same 3 fucking apps wasn’t fun anymore,

There was no joy, no happiness. No reason to live… and I think the thing that hurt the most was simply existing.

I don’t think my mom would have loved to be me…

Little did she know that the life she lived, was the one I craved, but also, the one I felt like I would never be able to achieve.


I often think back to those bleak times and wonder how I even made it through the day…but somehow I did…because now I’m in the student council for the high school that I will be graduating from this year…

I never believed in the light at the end of the tunnel until finally saw it for myself.

It just took some work :)

It’s like I have to constantly try to remind myself that I’ll be okay….but I wish it didn’t have to be like this…I wish I can just be okay.

I’m not happy and I don’t think I will ever feel genuinely happy. But that’s just how life is for some people…it’s just pushing through the unbearable pain of today in order to reach tomorrow, even tho tomorrow is going to be the same exact thing.

I don’t know why I always have to try and prove to someone that I’m okay when I’m on the verg of breaking down. I will literally sit there and pretend I’m smiling at something on my phone when I’m really just staring at my homepage, with a lump in my throat and heart that’s slowly breaking.

do you know what I cry about at 3am? Sometimes it’s because of the deep rooted childhood trauma, and my current, difficult life situations….but sometimes it’s just because I can’t sleep.

My inability to trust, stems from a very traumatic and damaging place, so when you ask me why I can’t trust you, don’t expect an honest and direct answer.

When I first saw you I never would have thought that you would be the person to cause me much pain.

Do you ever just want to meet a person on tumblr and talk to them about your life story while they do the same? Like I wanna meet someone on here who isn’t afriad to tell me about the shit they’ve been through growing up or what their goin through right now. I wanna meet someone on here who isn’t afraid to tell me their deepest thoughts…..or even about how their day was…..someone who will listen to my stories, and what I gotta say about my own life too. I don’t know lol I probably sound so crazy and stupid…maybe I’m just lonley.

The empty side of my bed always reminds me that maybe I’m not worth the love people have to give.

Sometimes I just talk to myself in my own head because I know that there isn’t anyone in this world that would understand what I’m really thinking.

My lonlieness and anxiety get so unbarable at night. I wish that I can just fall asleep in less than an hour. If I knew that sleep was going to soon take this pain away, I will be able to bare it until then….but when I lay in bed, not knowing if I’m going to fall asleep by the crack of dawn or after the sun rises, I panic. I get over whelmed with fear and sadness knowing that I’m going to have to live through an entire night of emotional pain again. It’s currently 11:34pm and I’m already afraid.

It is currently 3:50 am and all I want to do is sleep and forget about this reality for a while. I can’t believe that 7 year old me dreamed of being able to stay up this late.

Me:[waiting for my order]

Worker:[yells my order number but forgets my cookie]

Me:“he’s probably going to get it soon”

Anxiety:“but what if he forgot? Or what if you didn’t order one? And your just standing there looking stupid waiting for nothing?

Anxiety:"your gunna be so humiliated if you ask where your cookie is and they say you didn’t order one!

Anxiety:"you’ve been awkwardly standing there for over a minute already, it’s been too long, just go.

Me:"I can just ask if they forgot my cookie”

Anxiety:“no I’m not going to let you embarrass yourself”

Worker:“are you waiting for another order?”

Anxiety:“GET OUT OF THERE”

Me:“no, I was just leaving”


that’s how anxiety can ruin and make you overthink the most simplest things…I just wanted a fucking cookie :(

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