#dark thoughts
I could not help myself -pull myself out of the state of constant wallowing. You had left the town with a significant piece of my existence. I waited and I waited -knowing you’ld be somewhere far -laughing and drinking it away with your chaps. But I knew, deep in your heart, you could not get rid of the longing that needed my presence, somewhere close to you. The melancholy had befallen us. Our death was inevitable.
“Even my darkest thoughts are illuminated by your gorgeously, beautifully lovely smile..”
Life can get dark, that’s no lie.. but it’s always lightest near your smile - eUë
Sometimes, the voice in your head is lying to you.
No matter what I try to do all I can think about is that it will all come to an end soon no matter how hard I try to distract myself
-Night
How are you just supposed to forget about someone when they have given you so much to remember?
Physically, I am here but my mind is wondering somewhere else. So no, I’m not really here.
I kept trying to convince myself that i was just having a few bad days until one heavy night, I began to question if this life was even worth living anymore.
It’s depressing…waking up to almost nothing. To the same four, stained walls, and the same strong desire to die…it’s unbearable.
Most days, I wonder if I should just end it, so I could move onto the next life, and hope that it’s better one.
I woke up this morning and realized how fucking lonely I really am.
||-//
Fiend: how come you never look both ways when crossing the street?
Me: I don’t know, sometimes I just wanna die..
Friend:….
Me: haha just kidding…
I remember when I was 16. I stopped going to school and started just laying in bed. The only time I would get up was when I needed the bathroom or wanted to eat.
This one time, in a one sided argument, my mom said that she would love to be me, laying in bed all day, being lazy and doing nothing.
I don’t think she understood how fucking depressing it was to live life in a state of isolation and feel like you can’t escape it.
Laying in bed for days isn’t relaxing.
Doing nothing with your life isn’t peaceful
Being in a state of low-functioning depression doesn’t mean you are lazy.
Sometimes I woke up and forced myself back to sleep because I had no reason to be awake.
When I rolled to the empty side of the bed, my bones would crack, and my muscles would stiffen.
I couldn’t get comfortable at all.
I was dirty from going days without showering
I had to cut my long hair because it was so matted that I couldn’t even run a toothpick through it.
I was exhausted even tho I did absolutely nothing for the past couple months.
See, the fact that I was doing nothing made me feel even more hopeless about my future. The fact that I was doing nothing made me feel guilty and shameful.
I woke up everyday with a desire to die, because I knew I wasn’t going to make it anywhere in life.
The only distraction I had was my iPod.
Even switching through the same 3 fucking apps wasn’t fun anymore,
There was no joy, no happiness. No reason to live… and I think the thing that hurt the most was simply existing.
I don’t think my mom would have loved to be me…
Little did she know that the life she lived, was the one I craved, but also, the one I felt like I would never be able to achieve.
I often think back to those bleak times and wonder how I even made it through the day…but somehow I did…because now I’m in the student council for the high school that I will be graduating from this year…
I never believed in the light at the end of the tunnel until finally saw it for myself.
It just took some work :)
It’s like I have to constantly try to remind myself that I’ll be okay….but I wish it didn’t have to be like this…I wish I can just be okay.
I wish i can be a different person
I’m not happy and I don’t think I will ever feel genuinely happy. But that’s just how life is for some people…it’s just pushing through the unbearable pain of today in order to reach tomorrow, even tho tomorrow is going to be the same exact thing.
I don’t know why I always have to try and prove to someone that I’m okay when I’m on the verg of breaking down. I will literally sit there and pretend I’m smiling at something on my phone when I’m really just staring at my homepage, with a lump in my throat and heart that’s slowly breaking.
I fucking hate myself
“i’ve been thinking lately…”
blue wallpapers
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