If he had known.

He would’ve done everything differently. He wouldn’t have let her stay in that apartment. He might’ve even gone against V’s orders. He would’ve forced her to leave.

It would be better to have never met then have fallen head over heels with her, let his guard down and end up here. With her, limp in his arms and warmth draining from her. She had long ceased trying to speak - it cost too much energy.

Her last moments had passed and this was a pain he had never known before. It was worse than anything he had ever felt. She spent her last moments comforting him. It’s going to be okay…

How could anything ever be okay? How could he ever be okay? After what he’s seen. After what he’s done. She was gone. Because of him. Because of his reckless desire for something aside from the loneliness that haunted him in that cold, metallic building of his. It wasn’t home. It could never be home.

If he had known, he would’ve held her closer. Held her longer. Told her more. Been less self conscious. Less bashful.

He would’ve loved her with every fibre of his being, dissolving into her and filling every part of him with her. He smile, her voice. Her.

If only he had known.

MC: *does something cute*

707 on his route: lol I don’t care

Narrator: but Saeyoung did care

RFA members with a depressed reader + how they would respond/try and support you

Zen:

• He’s actually really shocked
• Like, you’re so gorgeous and honestly the most amazing person he’s ever met and he can’t believe you’d ever feel that way about yourself
• He tries to reassure you CONSTANTLY
• Which kinda makes you feel a bit bad, like you’re a burden
• When he hears that he just tries to love you even more
• He doesn’t really know how to help you aside from reassuring and comforting and loving you
• So he tries to do research
• Invites you to go on walks with him for exercise
• Offers to pay for your therapy
• Tries to cook healthy meals for the both of you
• Wants you to get enough sleep
• All of the good habits that are supposed to help with depression
• They do, but you still end up feeling numb inside
• Especially at night
• He’s so kind and patient and understanding
• He’ll sit with you and hold you if you just wanna cry
• He’ll listen to your feelings and empathise but when you start talking about how you hate yourself he’ll cut in
• “Please, don’t say that about yourself, Princess.”
• Wants to protect you and make you happy

Jumin:

• Doesn’t really know what to do
• He isn’t that connected to his emotions and he especially isn’t that well versed and knowing how to deal with other people’s emotions
• But he really cares about you, so he makes some calls
• Provides you with the best therapists and psychiatrists (if you want to take medication for it)
• Makes sure that all his employee’s and guards and chefs and maids take really good care of you
• Kind of like Zen - he does his research
• When you tell him that you just feel really down today he’ll start offering all these solutions that are supposed to help - exercise, yoga, meditation, etc.
• But if you say you just wanna stay in and watch movies and cuddle he’s totally there for that too
• If you’re having a really bad day, where you aren’t really talking and you won’t get out of bed, he’ll bring Elizabeth the Third to you because he knows how much you like petting her fur
• And once he’s finished his work, he’ll come to you and hold you and whisper words of support and care and reassurance to you
• Will literally leave meetings if he finds out you’re really upset
• Jaehee doesn’t like that, but she won’t lie - she worries about you too
• On days where Jumin is on a business trip and you’re at home, you best believe you’ll be getting deliveries constantly with flowers or packages and Jaehee visiting you
• At first you’re surprised when Jaehee visits
• But she tells you that he’s worried and maybe you’ll confide in her
• But you guys just stay in and watch (Zen’s) movies and you guys become really close friends
• Bottom line, will stop everything to come and support you

Jaehee:

• Knows what it’s like to have deteriorating mental health
• So can easily relate
• So you guys talk a lot about your feelings to each other, usually ending up with you both crying
• But it’s not really a bad thing
• It’s nice to talk to someone who actually understands without being worried
• Both of you doing things to improve your mental health - a self care journey
• Supporting each other on your bad days
• 24/7 support
• Strongest couple ever omg
• You guys can tell when the other isn’t having the best day, so you’ll discreetly help them out

Yoosung:

• This poor boi cries when you tell him
• Because he’s been there, right in the depths of it
• He came back but…
• He would never want anyone to experience that level of pain and suffering
• And when he found out you had it he just felt so sad - he wanted to take all of your pain for himself because you deserved only the best and all of the happiness
• Especially since you’re the reason he managed to leave that place behind
• Will try and spend as much time making you smile as possible
• Cook for you, making little smiley faces and stuff
• He’s really sweet
• Like, the sweetest heart
• Tells you that he’s there for you, if you need to talk or anything like that
• Wants you to promise that you’ll call him, text him or talk to him if you ever feel like you’ll hurt yourself or…

Saeyoung/Luciel/707:

• Kinda figured it out when he did his background check on you
• Was kinda surprised based on the way you acted in the chat room
• When you weren’t allowed to leave the apartment, he made sure you got your medication (if you take any)
• Feels so guilty about pushing you away
• When you guys are together he tries to make up for it all with love
• Showers you with love and attention
• Partly because he knows how tough it can be to see anything good about yourself
• But it’s mainly because you’re his angel
• Which makes him even sadder because you can’t see how incredible you are to him
• Every little thing you do makes him fall in love with you all over again
• Will leave his work for you if you ask him to or if he feels like you need him
• Offers to find another job
• Tried to make changes in his daily life to support you
• If you decide that you wanna start working out or eating differently or going to therapy or literally anything, he’s doing the same thing too
• Sometimes dragging in Saeran too, just to show you how much support you have
• Maybe even the whole RFA lol
• Just wants you to know you’re loved

Language

It’s in his dreams when he tells her his truest feelings and deepest regrets.

And she stays with him, holding his hand as he speaks, words tumbling over each other as he struggles to get out every thought he had of her - a whole days worth.

She just smiles, eyes soft and gentle.

She never replied.

But that’s okay.

He wouldn’t have wanted to hear those words from her in a dream, anyway.

He tells her in every language he knows. Binary, C++, Python, Java, French, Arabic, Mandarin. He flows into each one, fluent and unwavering.

It’s only in his dreams that he can tell her.

And he has to tell her.

Or he runs the risk of giving her hope that this could work out. That the bomb inside the apartment isn’t the only reason he’s here.

Of course it wasn’t.

But he couldn’t tell her that.

He knew what she’d say. What she’d do.

She’d stay with him and hold his hand, eyes soft and voice warm and coaxing him towards her with peaceful and calming words.

He woke up, a heaviness on his heart he could not explain.

Shaky Hands

It is with shaky hands that he begins to tie the knot around his neck, trying to remember how to tie a damn neck tie like you told him.

He concentrates on the mirror and his hands and avoids eye contact with the people milling around behind him - clinking glasses and the boys are rowdy, already tipsy with their shots of liquid courage.

He needed some liquid courage.

But he wasn’t going to let himself give in. Not now. He needed to be stone cold sober today.

A few hours later, when he stands, waiting for you in the buzzing chapel, he prays and thanks every God he can think of for this moment.

And his breathes falter when he turns to see her, white and pure and beaming as she glides towards him.

His hands take hers and it’s just them. Alone in space and floating in their own little world.

It’s with a shaky voice that he says “I do.”

Momentary Silence

She lay there, stiff and silent and unmoving.

He sat beside her and the nurses and visitors and group members would all try and convince him to go get some rest and that they’ll call him as soon as her conditioned changed.

But he wasn’t moving anywhere. He wanted to be there for her, the moment her eyes flickered open. The moment her hand reached for his.

It had been two days and her condition was steadily improving - the doctors were surprised.

“She must be a real fighter!” They’d tell him, noticing the bags under his eyes, and he’d smile. Of course she was.

Perhaps this is how she had felt, with him so close yet so far. Forcing a drawn line on the floor into a barrier against her. His heart shattered every time he thought about it.

She’d bring him food and drink and a silence that was friendly and patient. Not like what he was used to - where silence meant threat and danger.

Her silence meant peace.

Her love for him meant waiting for him.

The least he could do was wait.

Impulse Buy

It was just a ring. That just happened to be referred to repeatedly as an engagement ring.

He liked to tell himself that it was just an impulse thing - he’d done these kinds of things before. Messed around on Amazon and EBay and ended up with a living room full of singing pickles and glow in the dark flash lights. This could just be one of them.

But when he saw her, he’d catch himself in the process of reaching for it. And thinking about it. The perfect proposal which would lead to the perfect wedding and then the perfect marriage and the perfect family.

Maybe that would make everything that had happened before her almost seem like it had meant something.

It was in the moment when he got down on one knee, at the party, hand already wrapped around the small box he’d made a habit of bringing with him everywhere, that he thought to himself that…

Maybe it wasn’t so impulsive.

Can You Hear Me?

When you both live in seperate dimensions, and the only way to communicate is through a script, communication is hard.

He could feel your frustration, hear the things you actually wanted to say.

He felt it all too.

Stuck behind a keyboard and monitors and through his phone, there was you. MC. Main character.

His life literally revolved around you.

His backstory was built, designed and programmed for you. His knowledge was obviously a glitch - when he first figured this whole thing out, the RFA thought he was insane. Thankfully, he knew not to bring it up with them around the next time you reset.

But sometimes it was painful - the resets. He’d be stuck between not knowing and knowing and he could feel the programming going haywire. He’d freeze up and he couldn’t breathe and for a moment, he’d feel as though he was about to die. Then, the code would relinquish, as though they thought the better punishment would be to know his situation and never escape, rather than complete error.

He wanted to speak to you. He still does.

He can tell when you’ve had a bad day, and he yearns to be able to say more than what he’s been allowed to say.

He has very little communication with you outside of the game. He’s hidden all over the Internet - it’s the only way he can get across to you.

It’s tough when your soulmate doesn’t even live in the same dimension as you.

You make my heart uwu and I’ll never forgive you

- 707 confessing, probably

The Best Thing I Can Do For You…

He knew painstakingly well that you did not love him.

Your words, actions and choices all made it obvious. Every single time you chose casual or another, it meant erasing the possibility of loving him. It was even more painful when you’d ignore him in favour of the CEO-in-line…

But if you were happy…

If you woke up each morning, excited for the day to come and eager to plan another party and talk to him - along side everyone else of course…

Then he could live with it.

The unrequited love he had been programmed with from the beginning.

Sometimes he couldn’t keep it in. He just had to call you… tell you…

Your presence was enough. And you did not love him, he knew this. But he hoped they could love you just as much. Perhaps even more.

He couldn’t give you what you wanted anyway. He was a hacker. A cockroach. A shut in.

What did he have to offer? He didn’t have fame, wealth, earnest work, a potential career or even artistic talent.

He had pain. And tradegy. And what he thought could be depression. He had problems that couldn’t be solved.

So while his love was unrequited, perhaps it was for the best.

That didn’t change the pain every time you decided to start again, ignoring him.

The times you chose him was a peaceful break from the torment he felt. The feeling of you in his arms, loving him, caring for him, choosing him… he tried to keep you away, knowing where it would end, but he couldn’t keep himself away from you for long. You were the magnet, coaxing his metal thoughts away from the logical conclusion that this wouldn’t last.

And he was right.

You always moved on.

Moved away from him and his love, leaving him broken and alone, in the dark once more, the reprieval over.

“The best thing I can do for you is let you go.”

To celebrate one of your favourite holidays of the year (who’s gonna complain about all-you-can-eat chocolate?) you had decided to plan an Easter party for everyone in the RFA.

Saeyoung/Luciel/707:

• He’d kind of been all pouty the couple days leading up to the party because you were so excited and preoccupied with planning for the party
• But he didn’t say anything because he loved seeing you all excited and smiling into your planning binder, scribbling down ideas whenever they came to you
• What was really strange was the night before, where you had made him go stay somewhere else for the night
• When he asked you why, you just winked, “it’s a surprise.”
• He decided he’d come early to see you on the day of the Easter party, since he’d really missed you a lot
• Plus he wanted to praise you for everything that you’d done to prepare - it was gonna be perfect, he just knew it
• So when he shows up early, he basically kneels over because it’s
• So
• Fucking
• CUTE
• You went all out with the little bunny and chick decorations, and yellow, pale pink and blue streamers all over the place and lots and lots of treats
• And then there was you, dressed up adorably as a little Easter bunny and when you turned around to see him, he officially died and went to adorable heaven
• “Oh! Saeyoung! You’re early!” You smile brightly, walking over with something behind your back and you lean up to kiss his cheek
• He can’t handle how fcking cute you look, he wants to tackle you with all his love - he’s about to kiss you when you pull what you were hiding out from behind his back
• It’s a small red felt bag with a little hand made clip of his glasses holding it closed.
• “I’m kinda glad you came early, I didn’t want everyone to see…”
• “You made this… for me?” He asks, slightly breathless
• You nod, smiling and beckoning you to open it excitedly
• It’s a series of little chocolates - chicks and eggs and bunny rabbits
• Based on the fact that they’re a little smudgy and wonky looking, he asks if they’re handmade and you nod a little proud of your efforts and he pops one into his mouth, humming with appreciation
• “Mmmm~ you should become a chocolatier, it tastes so much better than the store bought ones!” He praises, and you smile
  
• You guide him around the place and he helps you pin up the last of the decorations before deciding all that’s left to do is actually have the party
• “I hope they’ll like it.” You say softly, looking around at your work and Saeyoung is there, wrapping an arm around your waist and rubbing his nose against yours
• He loves affection, what can I say?
• “They’re going to love it.”
  
• When he kisses you deeper than you expected from him, you taste chocolate
• When he leans back, he winks at your blush

Zen:

• He was always really happy to see you planning parties, because you always seemed to really really enjoy it
• He was so happy when you were happy
• The day of the party, when he shows up with Yoosung (he didn’t have a ride lol), he wishes he had come alone
• Because there was so much effort put into this party - the decorations, the pastries that you had obviously baked and dear lord, your costume
• It wasn’t immodest at all, but something about you dressed up as a rabbit brought him back to his teenage years, where he fantasised about playboy bunnies
• He had to close his eyes and calm himself down before he could walk over to you and tell you about how amazing it had turned out
• Throughout the whole night, he was there, continuously praising your efforts and telling everyone about how amazing is she? Like look at all this work and –
• You getting embarrassed by his praises
• At first, it was just him holding your hand, but by the end of the night, his arm was around your waist
• Whispering naughty things into your ear as he got tipsy, making you blush and Saeyoung would tease you 
• You and Zen totally had some frisky fun time when you got home ;)

Jumin:

• He legit wanted to help you plan the party
• But you stopped him immediately, telling her that this is something I wanna do for you and the other members. I don’t want you to worry much about it, plus I want it to be a surprise for you.
• But this is Jumin
• He wouldn’t buy it
• So, he made sure you had more than enough expenses (even though you were hand making most of the decorations, but okay) and he even rented out a nice place usually booked for weddings in the park
• So, there went your plans for a surprise party for all of the RFA members
• He wanted to know all the details
• And when you’d try and regain control, siting this was going to be a surprise party he’d just say I’ll pretend I don’t know anything
• Right… because I’m sure everyone would believe that, considering you rented pretty much everything
• But when the day comes, and everyone is together and eating chocolate, he can’t help but feel a little (lot) proud of you
• You already had enough on your plate - big parties and a part time job and college (you wanted to get your PhD finally) and then this?
• It was a big hit with everyone
• He was so sweet, helping you clean up in any way he could
• Fed you chocolate ;)

Yoosung:

• Yoosung wanted to help you out, so you of course said yes
• It was just the RFA members, so you didn’t really bother making it a huge deal
• You just invited them over and shared food and drink and a shit ton of chocolate
• You decide to put on some rabbit ears and face paint
• You manage to convince Yoosung to copy you - he does, but only because he can’t deny you when you’re begging him with those doe eyes
• You always get what you want ;)
• Once the RFA leave and it’s just you and Yoosung, you get you both a glass of wine and bring the left over chocolate with you
• So you guys eat and drink until you’re tipsy and in a food coma and you’re giggling and he’s talking and you’re both snuggled up together on the couch
• You watch Hop pretty much three times, because you both get distracted so quickly, but you’re so determined to watch it completely through
• But after the third trial, you both just give up and play some LOLOL together
• You even dressed your players to look more festive!
• You guys were the dream team
• It’s even better than the party, but neither of you say that
• You kind of end up making out and it tastes so sweet that you can’t really stop (so addictive)

Jaehee:

• Jaehee finds it so endearing when you’re planning a party
• Like, you value her opinion so much
• “What do you think of this design?” “What do you think of doing this?”
  
• She loves how much you include her - unlike her old job *cough*C&R International*cough*
• She offers to do things for you, but you make sure she won’t do too much because you know she can kind of get carried away
• So you let her prepare the food, since she loves to make sweets
• You join in with her and you both end up having lots of fun, seeing the reward of delicious looking pastries for your hard work
• Having to remake the food because you both ate it all
• You getting dressed up for the party and Jaehee finding you so cute she can’t really say anything
• You finding that adorable, so you kiss her cheek and tease her gently about it
• Lowkey having more fun preparing for the party than actually having the party
• Oh, the party works out really well