Life has a funny way of throwing you off track and keeping you on your toes. On our way home from the hospital my mother and I got rear ended by a truck. My glasses fell off my head from the impact and flew into the back seat. I had to hold the phone so close to my face to dial 911 because I couldn’t see. As if today already didn’t suck enough having my mom’s pet scan for cancer god just wanted to add this to the plate. My mother and I were both shaking, our bodies are in pain. The car was drivable so we drove to the hospital. We sat there for hours, thank you covid. The waiting room was full to the max, people were sleeping on the floor. We gave up and left. Lessons learned today- life challenges us at all times, I have to let go of things I can’t control, it’s better to roll with the punches. Keeping fingers crossed that my moms scans come back clean. Hoping for a better tomorrow.

Enjoying the calm before the storm tomorrow. I expect there to be lots of screaming, box throwing and floor covered in wrapping paper!

As I sit here in the morning of Christmas Eve, tired from wrapping and making sure I’m not forgetting somethings I reflect on my childhood and how growing up it was such a magical time. As I got older the magic faded until I had kids. Having them brings me right back to that little girl that believed and wrote letters to Santa. Going to sleep on Christmas Eve with butterflies in my tummy forcing myself to fall asleep just so he comes. My parents would get one big gift that I really wanted and a few small ones. I didn’t grow up with a whole living room floor covered with presents like my husband. I never felt like I was missing out on anything because that’s all I knew, I also knew that my parents loved to travel and would take me along. I got to experience different cultures from a young age and those memories can’t be wrapped under the tree. As kids get older my husband and I think we will do the same. Making memories with our kids as a family even if it’s just getting dinner at a restaurant will go a long way. I hope everyone out there has a wonderful Christmas Eve, don’t forget to leave your cookies and milk out for Santa. The money spent, the hours of wrapping will all be worth it when you see that sparkle in their eye!

no filter

I decided that for 2022 I will try to write something at least 2-3 times a week. My memory is not the greatest and I know there’s so many good moments I just let go by so this is my way to document my life. If you are new here, I’m Kate. I am a working mom, a wife to my high school sweetheart, PTO president, small business owner ( well trying to start it now). I love creating just about anything. My favorite is when I see my ideas which at first seemed crazy come to life. I am from a small country called Latvia and both my parents and I moved to US when I was just 11. I went to the same school as a little foreign girl that I am now PTO president at. My best quality would have to be my work ethic, i apply myself fully to any project I work on. I hate being late so if you are the one that always shows up late to events we can’t be friends. I like to cook thank you to tik tok i’m getting kinda good at it. I love the smell of clean laundry and the feel of clean sheets. I like to give meaningful gifts. I love to travel, covid has made it hard. Community events melt my heart. I have my opinions on politics but will hear anyone out, we don’t have to agree that is ok. I respect the flag, the military and anyone in uniform that’s how I was raised. I cry when I hear certain songs and my eyes fill up with tears each year my kids blow out candles on their cake. I struggle with mental health and I’m hoping that by keeping this blog going it will help me work though some things. This blog is for me to hopefully make me a better person, mother and wife. I need to start looking at the positives in my life instead of stressing about what might happen, what won’t work out. I hate carrying around so much stress, it’s making me not be fun to be around. So join me on this journey if you wish. This is going to be my honest corner of the internet. No filters, no staged pictures just real life stuff. I will share the blessings along with the struggles because no one is perfect. 

Everyone keeps telling you how much you’ll love school. That is very true. Everyone keeps injecting you with mini boosts of confidence. But as I listen to each well-intentioned person try to drive out any fear, it’s occurred to me you might also need to hear this: It’s okay if you’re scared. Because here’s the honest truth- Mama is scared too. Of what, you’re wondering? I’m scared of being apart from us for 8 hours every day. I’m scared of you spending too many of those hours in a chair, and too few running wild and free. I’m scared of the new words you’ll hear, the new behaviors you’ll see. I’m scared of the boxes you might get put in, the labels you might be given, the pegs you’ll be expected to fit into. I’m scared you’ll change. I’m scared you’ll lose your innocence, your sweetness. I’m scared people will try to harden your edges, toughen you up. And I’m just going to say it: I’m scared to give up control. To lose any influence your dad and I might have had on you up to this point. My dear son, Mama is scared to let you go. Clearly fear is present in my heart, and it’s normal if it’s hanging out in yours too. But here’s the good news: Fear is not the only story. Right next to that clenched ball of panic in my gut is something far more powerful: Hope. Hope for the opportunities your school will give you, ones that our little family alone cannot. Hope for the wider diversity of kids you will get to meet—and befriend. Hope for the chances you’ll have to show kindness to those who need it most. Hope for the chances you’ll have to receive kindness in the moments you need it most. Hope for the new and exciting ways your brain will be challenged. Hope for the new and exciting ways your heart will be too. Right now we’re sitting in the blurry place. We can kind of see what lies ahead, but the path forward is still fuzzy. There is so much we don’t know about the coming weeks, months, and years. But there is one thing we do know, without a doubt: You are ready. You will have to do hard things—but you will quickly see that you CAN. No doubt some days you will come home beaming, so proud of what you did that day. Others you will come home crying and collapsed. Some days you will feel on top of the world. Others you will feel utterly drained and depleted. You are ready for all of it. We’ve raised you to be kind, creative and empathetic—but our intention was never for you to be all of those things in a bubble. It’s time for you to take your kindness, creativity and empathy into the bigger world. And yes, you will change. I know that. But deep down I’m happy about it. I don’t want you to remain the same—static and stuck. So as you head to kindergarten, my precious boy, I have to let you go…a little bit. But I’m also going to stay right here: walking beside you, crying with you, cheering for you. Loving you as fiercely as ever. Facing my fears so I can be here with you as you face yours. Yes, Mommy is scared. I’m scared to watch you jump because I know sometimes you’ll fall. But without the fall, you cannot rise. Without the jump, you cannot soar. It’s time to see just how high you can fly. Johnny boy- you were destined for greatness. 

Mother’s Day

In spirit of Mother’s Day I thought I would share my experience of having a second baby. How could I possibly love another child as much as I already loved my son. I wasn’t sure that I had any room in my heart. What I didn’t know is that I didn’t have to make room, my heart stretched to have not just some but the exact amount of love for my daughter as I already did for my son. My son will always hold a special place in my heart since he’s the one that made me a mama but I even though my daughter is not even 2 yet I can’t remember life without her. She’s been the perfect addition to our family. I’m not perfect, I don’t have my shit together but when I look at my kids and see how much they love each other I know I did something right and I feel blessed. Happy Mother’s day to all the mamas! Also the picture below was taken the day after I had an emergency c section and I’m so bloated from fluids I don’t even look like myself, but hey that’s real life!

Recently I came across an instagram account of a mother who is going through the worst possible thing that could happen. She just lost her beautiful little girl. Being a mother myself and recently going through the pain of having sick child and feeling helpless her story hit home. My daughter has recovered from her surgery and I thank god everyday for my 2 healthy kids. I know I take a lot of things for granted and rarely stop, look around and appreciate what I do have. I complain about things that don’t matter and get upset about small things that mean nothing in the end. Seeing the pain that poor mother is going through makes me hold my babies longer and tighter. I don’t know what it’s like to lose a child and I hope I never do but watching her journey has opened my eyes to be more in the moment. Kids are only going to be little once and I need to be more involved. I use the fact that I am a working mom so much as an excuse to not build legos when I come home or play or board game. “I’m tired" "I’ve had a long day" are my responses when I get asked to play a game. This is the time that I need to cherish because before I know it they won’t want to play with mom. I am making a promise to myself to be more involved, to even when I’m tired from working all week or stressed out I’m going to put my kids first. I want them to grow up and know that they are the most special people in my life. To the mom who just lost her baby- I have no words, I am just so sorry. 

I was wrong before…

Motherhood………… when I started this blog I had a list of all the hard things about motherhood. Like lack of sleep, privacy, freedom, alone time but i was wrong. The hard list consists of just one thing, a sick baby. I learned that the hard way. My happy little girl had a lump on the side of her neck. We took her to the ER and after lots of tests, procedures and IV’s were told that she has an infection in her lymph node and would need surgery. I held her while she fell asleep in my arms and then prayed the whole time she was in surgery. The doctors assured us that surgery went well. It was the longest hour of my life. That is the hardest thing about motherhood, I had it all wrong before. I complained about not being able to pee without someone starring at me or have a meal without an interruption. I thought that my C-section was the worst pain I have ever felt but it doesn’t even come close to the pain that I had when she was in surgery. 4 nights with no sleep, no shower, 27 cups of coffee, same clothes they let us take her home. The anxiety that I have been dealing with is hard to describe. Last night I had a panic attack and had to leave the house for a little bit. Being a mother of course I went to Target. Walked the isles, looked at stuff that I can’t afford or need, got my 28th coffee and went home. My daughter is 1 and she knew that mama was upset so she put her little hands over my cheeks and gently kissed my nose, If only I could freeze time.

in Jesus name

It sickens me to think that we live in a world where someone walked into a school with a loaded gun and killed 19 children and 2 teachers. I can’t even imagine the pain and sadness that community is going through. The is no longer a safe place for those kids. If kids have stuff going on at home, going to school used to be a safe place. Yesterday changed that. That shooter not only took the lives of those 21 people but also took the comfort of know your child is ok in school from the whole country. No parent should worry that when they kiss their kid that morning it might be the last time. When will this violence stop? People are living in fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of shopping at target and having your child be kidnapped, sending them to school and worrying about shootings. Not ok, do better America. Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. For the media to make all this about gun laws is not only disrespectful to the families who lost loved ones but also takes away what happened. Politicians have their own agenda and use terrible events of what happened to speak “their truth”. There’s 19 kids that won’t get to grow up, go to college, get married, start their own family. There’s 2 families of the teachers whose kids will have to grow up without a mother. Those are the victims in all of this. No one has stopped and asked why did this happen? It’s not the gun, it’s not the lack of mental health help that we have, it’s the shit show that we live in. People are going insane, no one is on the same page and instead of having a conversation and try to see it from a different view people blow up. Political views are ripping families apart. So please let’s take politics out of this. I know that I will be hugging my kids tighter going forward. I woke up this morning and thought of the poor parents waking up to a quiet house this morning because their child is no longer there. We all need to come together and do better.

5/25/2022

8

In just 3 short days my son will be 8. I would be lying if I said the last 8 years didn’t fly by. He made me a mom 8 years ago and we made him a big brother 5 years ago. His sense of humor, intelligence and compassion will take him far in life. For only being 8 he truly knows who he is, meanwhile I’m 34 and still trying to figure life out. He teaches me patience every day. He thinks outside of the box and applies himself fully to anything he wants to do. His drive for wanting to be the best, number 1 at everything he does is something most adults can learn from. Named after his dad and he truly lives up to the name. They are the same person. I started dating my husband at 15 so I missed 15 years of his life before me, I get to see it now through our son. Johnny you are simply put AMAZING, we love you beyond measure and hope you have the best 8th birthday! We have always said you will accomplish great things and we are so proud of you! I have no doubt year 8 will be GREAT :) 3/7/22

enough

Motherhood is hard. No one warns you about how challenging and stressful it is. No matter how organized you are or how well you plan, the laundry will never be caught up and there will be days that you just want to get in your car and drive off a cliff. When I get home from work, I always need a few minute to unwind and change into comfy clothes. Now imagine trying to do that and hearing “mama, when can I do that? When can I do this? Can you buy me that? What’s for dinner?”. All while someone is hugging your leg. Privacy going to the bathroom is nonexistent when you become a mom. Constant feeling of not being good enough, guilt of working too much, spending too much time on my phone are all things I battle with daily. Irritation of having to repeat myself 17 times about cleaning their room, putting on shoes, eating all their meals, brushing their teeth is another challenge. I’m sure it seems like I don’t like being a mother, sometimes that is true. I hate to admit that but I have to be honest, it’s hard. I love my kids more than anything but at times I feel like when I became a mom I lost myself. I lost my independence, ability to say yes when friends ask to go out, going out to dinner with my husband or simply watching a movie. On days when life gets to me and I lose my will to keep going I know I have to get out of bed and keep going. My babies are counting on me, they are my motivation to do better, to keep going to a job that I hate until I find something else. I want to be a good mom, I want them both to grow up and look back on their childhood and only have good memories. I want them to never question my love for them. I wish mental health was as easy to fix as a broken bone, put a cast on it. On the bad days when I let my anxiety win being a mom is 100 times harder. The amount of weight I have on my chest that there are times they don’t get the best version of me is hard to accept. The crazy part is that they accept me. To them I am mom. To them I am not the 34 year old that is still “trying” to buy a house, not a stressed out woman that hates her job, not the irritated individual, I am their mom. The one that comforts them before bed time, kisses all the boo boos, supports their dreams, saves all their artwork and cheers the loudest at all the games. They love me for the simple fact that I am their mom and that is enough, I am enough. 1/19/2022

1/8/22

Today was one of the worst days of my life. It started as a typical Saturday. I woke up, got the kids dressed and ready for my son’s basketball practice. I was planning on stopping at Dunkin’ Donuts to get the kids donuts and a coffee for me. My husband was coming with us and he takes longer to get ready than us so there was no time for donuts. We drove to practice and got there right on time. My son was doing great. My husband was sitting on the other side of the court to stay by our daughter who was playing dolls with another little girl who’s brother is on my son’s team. My parents showed up and sat next to me. Everything was going fine, the kids were bouncing the balls running back and forth, doing drills. I looked over at my son and I could tell something was not right. He dropped the ball and started to walk over to me, he took his mask off and asked for water. I offered him mine since he left his in the car, he declined and said he doesn’t feel good. I told him I will go to the car and get his water and I asked him if he wanted to go home. He hugged me and said “mama something is wrong” his body got heavy and he lost consciousness in my arms. I stood up holding his body and started screaming my husband name over and over. It’s a packed gym, I was wearing a mask finally he heard me and started to run towards me. I put our son on the floor gently and screamed for people to call 911. My husband asked if he hit his head I said no he hugged me and passed out, he picked him up and started running. I got my daughter, my son’s jacket and pants and walked outside. No sight of my husband or son. The car is parked so where did they go? I see them walking out of the school. My son who was unconscious is walking. My husband took him to the bathroom, put cold water on his face and forced him to drink and he came to life. We went home. Both my parents and husband believe that he passed out from dehydration and he barely ate anything that morning before practice. I know that makes sense and I am so happy that he is ok but because of how it all happened and him passing out in my arms I have a hard time moving on. I check on him all the time, he’s all “mama I’m ok” but I just keep seeing his pale face and I keep hearing my scream for husband to come. My son is an unbelievable kid. I know he’s mine and moms brag but from the moment he came into this world people that meet him just know he’s destined to do something great. He’s smart, loves to read, has an amazing sense of humor, is a great dancer and most of all athletic. He’s programmed to be the best at everything he does and he works hard to make sure that it happens. At age 7 he knows what he wants to be, an engineer or president (said to lower gas prices). I honestly don’t know what I would do if something happened to him. I have been praying to god to keep him safe and that this was a one time situation caused by dehydration and not eating before practice. Being a parent is so scary and stressful, you want to raise them to be good, honest people and also keep them safe. I have so much guilt from not feeding him at home that morning, I should have known we could be running late and wouldn’t have time to stop at Dunkin’ Donuts. I should have woken him up earlier that day so we would have plenty of time for breakfast. I try and try to be the best mom, and I feel like I failed. I did not keep him safe. That whole situation broke me. I keep hugging him, checking on him. I take for granted my kids, my husband I need to take a step back and appreciate what I have. Life is short, too short. So we need to love our babies, hold them as much as we can and tell them we love them even more than we do now.

1/6/22

Some people come into your life and you just know that no matter what happens and no matter how much time has passed you can call them and pick up right where you left off. I have a friend like that, let’s call her Anne. Anne and I became friends about 15 years ago, when we worked together. We connected on our love of food, art and trying new restaurants. She introduced me to Pho and the rest was history. I can’t even tell you how many hours were spent over noodles. We would force each other to read books that we would then discuss and take day trips to places we haven’t been. She went through a hard break up, changed jobs and I was there. I got married and she stood by me, when I gave birth to my son she held him at the hospital and we named her godmother. She would spend Christmas Eve with us and was part of our family. Then she re-connected with an old friend that ended up becoming her boyfriend and the next thing I know my best friend was leaving to go live in Portland, Oregon. If you don’t know, that’s 3,086 miles from Boston, I googled it. She sold her house, packed her whole life into a huge moving box, got in her car along with her cat and followed her heart. It’s been about 6 years since she left, I miss her terribly. Sometimes I drive by her old house just to be nosy to see if the new owners changed anything. Frequent phone calls turned to once in a while. We used to send packages and this past Christmas I sent a card and haven’t heard back. Our lives got in the way, I had my daugher since she’s been gone, she made a new life for herself which is so amazing. I hope she’s happy, but I miss my friend. She would listen to me without judgement, I did the same. I am making a promise that when Covid is behind us I will visit, Anne do you hear me, are you there Anne, Anne? I will visit. I want you to show me the best coffee shops, best stores to get a graphic tee and can’t forget about Pho. Miss you so much friend.

1/3/2022

Back to work after being off for 12 days and all I want to do is go back home and snuggle with my 4 year old daughter. I put away all the Christmas decorations in my office and it looks sad, I watered the plant that i inherited from my friend that got fired a few months back. Once I logged into my computer it felt like I never even had the time off. The 200 unanswered emails, the lack of drive and motivation this place gives me is still here. I promised myself that 2022 was going to be different so I will answer the rest of those emails, create some posts for work. Breakout my new planner for 2022 and start writing down my weekly goals and motivations. I’ll start small, like re-organizing my closet and donating or selling things I no longer wear. Can you keep a secret? My dream would be to live in an RV or a tiny house. I know it sounds crazy with 2 kids but especially now when the world seems like such a scary place it would be amazing to just go. Go to a place that kids can run around free with no masks, I can go to sleep with not worrying about bills or anxiety about my job a place where we can truly spend time as a family. I wish to be the person that stays out in the rain when it’s raining instead of looking for cover, i used to be that girl. Somehow I lost her along the way, I miss her. The free spirit, go with the flow attitude was replaced by lists, planning and stress. I will find her again, she’s still in me. I feel her when I laugh at something my kids did, she’s with me when randomly my husband says lets go for a walk or a drive. Crafting has really been working for me to bring her back. She’s the girl that used to take the pee smelling subway into Cambridge for a watercolor class. I don’t blame my kids or my husband that I lost her, life got in the way. Mental health did a number on me and I am now working on picking up the pieces. It’s something I struggle with everyday but I need to be whole for my family. I need to enjoy moments with them, even on days when it’s hard. Anyone that struggles with mental health will understand how it’s a constant battle that you have internally. Somedays are good, others set you back. Because I am a mom, on the bad days I can’t just take a break the little humans still need me. Truth be told to keep going I need them just as much. 

It’s 5pm on a Sunday night and I have to go back to work tomorrow. My stomach hurts just thinking about it. This past week flew by so fast, I loved not have to wake up in a rush to get my son ready for school and to make myself look half decent. So dreading tomorrow where my life goes back to Chaos management. My work gives me so much anxiety, It’s been very clear lately that they are using me for my ideas and actually hired a girl who’s job is to copy the marketing that I do for my company. I feel like there’s no room to grow and most of all I feel stuck. I am good at my job, I take pride in it but lately I’ve lost all of my drive and feel like I’m not sure what I’m working towards. I know what’s going to happen tomorrow I will wake up, I will get my son ready and drop him off at school and I will go to work. By Tuesday I will be back in the swing of things and hating life again. I feel like after vacation you need something to look forward to just to keep going. I do have a business trip in March ( for a job I’m not happy at) lol. Ok no more negativity, this is 2022. New year, new me with all the same problems. I will do my best to be in the moment and really enjoy life, focus on the positives. I started a new face washing/toner routine to make myself look like I’m 22 ( haha not 34). Also hopefully I’ll be saying goodbye to some pounds, I have been drinking giant jug of water everyday. It’s funny how New Years forces people to take a hard look at themselves and see what they are not happy with. I also read somewhere that dressing better forces you to look at yourself in a better light. I’m going to start trying to not look like I just rolled out of bed in 2022. I also got some turtlenecks because I think that’s going to be a go to top this year. Last time I wore a turtleneck was in 6th grade, I felt suffocated the whole time. Wish me luck. So the new Kate will arrive to work tomorrow, with shiny skin from all the crap that I’m using to look like I am 22, with a coffee in one hand, giant water jug in the other wearing a turtleneck. I will also have my new work tote with my new 2022 planner in it, that I am going to force myself to use and not stop by February like all the others. Positive, only positive thoughts. Wish me luck. 01/02/21

I started this Tumblr to talk about how Gentleman Jack was helping me get back on the writing track, but then Gentleman Jack actually got me back on the writing track, and I spent all my time actually writing the novel, more on that later.

But now that the first draft of the novel number 18 is done I’m back on the GJ Tumblr train, and I realize that Anne Lister is not just helping me be a better writer it’s challenging me a better wife. Example:

Do you remember that one episode of Gentleman Jack where Ann Walker is having a mental health crisis and she thinks that the horrible voices in her head were coming from inside the clock in the hallway?  

Ann Lister doesn’t argue with her. She doesn’t try and convince her it’s not happening.  She doesn’t make her feel bad, or get her to exercise self restraint or logic. She responds by saying she’s going to fix the clock.  And by fix the clock you get this real sense that she might be about to break the clock.  To be clear Anne Lister knows full well there’s no demons living in the clock, but she also know that being right about that doesn’t mean jack shit in that moment. She knows this moment is not about logic, it’s about the woman she loves feeling unsafe, and instead of trying to convince her those feelings are unwarranted she affirms them and offers to break the fucking clock.

First of all, that’s not totally a sane response either, but it’s the right one, nonetheless. Life is weird, and hard and complex. The world is stacked against them. Mental health is complicated. There’s so many things in life we can’t control, and instead of arguing about things way beyond her comprehension she’s going to fix the thing she can and affirm the woman she loves.

In one of the great sadnesses of my life I am not Anne Lister. 

The other day my wife told me we were almost out of sugar and I was like, “Naw, we’re good.” She expressed again that she thought we didn’t have enough to get through to our next shopping trip and again I disagreed. She sort of wrung her hands a bit and I was like, “Seriously, tell me what you’re going to make with that much sugar?” And she was like “Pancakes, and um maybe scones.” Me: Then we’ve probably got plenty of sugar.  At that point she was like, “Yeah, you’re right, I was probably just being silly. I was probably over reacting because I’m nervous. I’m sorry it’ll be fine.”

And the thing was for a few minutes I thought I handled that shit. Logic wins. My logic. Nailed it.  But the thing was my wife still seemed kind of sad. Maybe even sadder than before. Also she’d just admitted she’d been nervous about something much bigger than sugar, and instead of understanding/affirming that I made her feel silly about it.

Well, fuck.

We are living in the middle of a global pandemic. We have been in lockdown for 51 days.  I don’t want to be the logic wife during the absurd times. I want to be the passionately, over the top action wife. I want to be the wife who says, “No worries, I’ll fix it.” I wanna be the wife who gets some more fucking sugar. I want to be the wife to calls every one of my neighbors and asks each one for a half cup of sugar until I refill the whole bag. I want to be the wife who puts on a mask and gloves and buys black market sugar at night in a dark alley. I want to be the person who Robin Hoods sugar from the rich ass hoarders. I do not want to be the wife who tries to logic and police emotions through this crazy ass moment in history. I want to be the wife who gets up at two am and breaks the fucking clock! 

That’s my new pandemic wife goals.