Having a daughter is like having a built in bestie! 10/10 recommend

Anyone else just want to quit their job and just drive? Maybe to Canada? Or better yet Mexico? I need the sun and sand on my toes.

Life has a funny way of throwing you off track and keeping you on your toes. On our way home from the hospital my mother and I got rear ended by a truck. My glasses fell off my head from the impact and flew into the back seat. I had to hold the phone so close to my face to dial 911 because I couldn’t see. As if today already didn’t suck enough having my mom’s pet scan for cancer god just wanted to add this to the plate. My mother and I were both shaking, our bodies are in pain. The car was drivable so we drove to the hospital. We sat there for hours, thank you covid. The waiting room was full to the max, people were sleeping on the floor. We gave up and left. Lessons learned today- life challenges us at all times, I have to let go of things I can’t control, it’s better to roll with the punches. Keeping fingers crossed that my moms scans come back clean. Hoping for a better tomorrow.

As I sit here in the morning of Christmas Eve, tired from wrapping and making sure I’m not forgetting somethings I reflect on my childhood and how growing up it was such a magical time. As I got older the magic faded until I had kids. Having them brings me right back to that little girl that believed and wrote letters to Santa. Going to sleep on Christmas Eve with butterflies in my tummy forcing myself to fall asleep just so he comes. My parents would get one big gift that I really wanted and a few small ones. I didn’t grow up with a whole living room floor covered with presents like my husband. I never felt like I was missing out on anything because that’s all I knew, I also knew that my parents loved to travel and would take me along. I got to experience different cultures from a young age and those memories can’t be wrapped under the tree. As kids get older my husband and I think we will do the same. Making memories with our kids as a family even if it’s just getting dinner at a restaurant will go a long way. I hope everyone out there has a wonderful Christmas Eve, don’t forget to leave your cookies and milk out for Santa. The money spent, the hours of wrapping will all be worth it when you see that sparkle in their eye!

Everyone keeps telling you how much you’ll love school. That is very true. Everyone keeps injecting you with mini boosts of confidence. But as I listen to each well-intentioned person try to drive out any fear, it’s occurred to me you might also need to hear this: It’s okay if you’re scared. Because here’s the honest truth- Mama is scared too. Of what, you’re wondering? I’m scared of being apart from us for 8 hours every day. I’m scared of you spending too many of those hours in a chair, and too few running wild and free. I’m scared of the new words you’ll hear, the new behaviors you’ll see. I’m scared of the boxes you might get put in, the labels you might be given, the pegs you’ll be expected to fit into. I’m scared you’ll change. I’m scared you’ll lose your innocence, your sweetness. I’m scared people will try to harden your edges, toughen you up. And I’m just going to say it: I’m scared to give up control. To lose any influence your dad and I might have had on you up to this point. My dear son, Mama is scared to let you go. Clearly fear is present in my heart, and it’s normal if it’s hanging out in yours too. But here’s the good news: Fear is not the only story. Right next to that clenched ball of panic in my gut is something far more powerful: Hope. Hope for the opportunities your school will give you, ones that our little family alone cannot. Hope for the wider diversity of kids you will get to meet—and befriend. Hope for the chances you’ll have to show kindness to those who need it most. Hope for the chances you’ll have to receive kindness in the moments you need it most. Hope for the new and exciting ways your brain will be challenged. Hope for the new and exciting ways your heart will be too. Right now we’re sitting in the blurry place. We can kind of see what lies ahead, but the path forward is still fuzzy. There is so much we don’t know about the coming weeks, months, and years. But there is one thing we do know, without a doubt: You are ready. You will have to do hard things—but you will quickly see that you CAN. No doubt some days you will come home beaming, so proud of what you did that day. Others you will come home crying and collapsed. Some days you will feel on top of the world. Others you will feel utterly drained and depleted. You are ready for all of it. We’ve raised you to be kind, creative and empathetic—but our intention was never for you to be all of those things in a bubble. It’s time for you to take your kindness, creativity and empathy into the bigger world. And yes, you will change. I know that. But deep down I’m happy about it. I don’t want you to remain the same—static and stuck. So as you head to kindergarten, my precious boy, I have to let you go…a little bit. But I’m also going to stay right here: walking beside you, crying with you, cheering for you. Loving you as fiercely as ever. Facing my fears so I can be here with you as you face yours. Yes, Mommy is scared. I’m scared to watch you jump because I know sometimes you’ll fall. But without the fall, you cannot rise. Without the jump, you cannot soar. It’s time to see just how high you can fly. Johnny boy- you were destined for greatness. 

Mother’s Day

In spirit of Mother’s Day I thought I would share my experience of having a second baby. How could I possibly love another child as much as I already loved my son. I wasn’t sure that I had any room in my heart. What I didn’t know is that I didn’t have to make room, my heart stretched to have not just some but the exact amount of love for my daughter as I already did for my son. My son will always hold a special place in my heart since he’s the one that made me a mama but I even though my daughter is not even 2 yet I can’t remember life without her. She’s been the perfect addition to our family. I’m not perfect, I don’t have my shit together but when I look at my kids and see how much they love each other I know I did something right and I feel blessed. Happy Mother’s day to all the mamas! Also the picture below was taken the day after I had an emergency c section and I’m so bloated from fluids I don’t even look like myself, but hey that’s real life!

C-section

Since April is a C-section awareness month I thought I would share my experience. My son was born “naturally” after the world’s best pregnancy. My pregnancy with my daughter 3 years later was anything but easy. I was sick for most of it and at my 38 week appointment I got news that she was breech. Lack of breath that I thought was from her butt being in my rib cage was actually her head. I was scheduled for a version procedure the next day. I showed up and did another ultrasound and my little flipper was in the right spot! A few days later however she was breech again. I was admitted into the hospital and had 3 versions, yes 3. After the last one they actually tied bed sheets around my belly to keep her in place. I was induced, they broke my water. Labor lasted for 2 days but felt like weeks. 3 epidurals, 2 days of contractions, I was so weak and only at 9.5 centimeters. I was told that I had to wait until I was at 10 to push. Hours went by and my body was done. I was told that my daughter’s head was stuck and I would need an emergency C-section. They rolled me away and handed scrubs to my husband. I have never had surgery before, I’m not good with pain. I had chills to the point that my hands were shaking. I cried the whole time. When they allowed my husband to be by my side I made him promise to tell our son that mama loves him in case something happens. Yes I know a bit dramatic but in that moment I really thought that I might die. I didn’t see my baby first but I heard her cry. They weight her, measured her height and only then wrapped her up and handed her to my husband. He held her by my head and I finally met the little lady that’s been renting out my belly for the past 9 months. She was beautiful, our little Eleanor. My husband held her for the rest of my surgery. They rolled me into the recovery room and I was in and out for most of the night. I was in so much pain. When I would ask about the baby I was told that she’s in the nursery so that I can rest. The next day I finally held my child. I thought that if I tried to stand up my insides would just fall out of my stomach. I know how crazy that sounds but I really thought that the scar would rip. I never understood how important skin to skin was with a baby until that day. I didn’t get to have that with her and even though she was mine I didn’t feel connected. I had to have my husband be the one to pick her up and hand her to me, I felt so helpless. What kind of mother can’t pick up her own baby? She would cry and my husband would whisper sweet nothings in her ear and she would stop. To this day I know she feels safe with him, she knows his hands were the first real touch that she had, she knows his smell and voice. I already had a child and I loved him so much I wondered if my heart could love her too. I was worried that maybe my son would feel like he’s missing out with the new baby getting all the attention. He surprised me and embraced the role of big brother since day one. I learned that time really does heal all things and the scar that I thought would split open is still intact. The baby that I didn’t feel connected to is almost 2 and is the most amazing little girl. She can light up any room and her laugh is contagious. My heart made room for her and I can honestly say I love both my kids the same. People that think having a C-section is the easy way out probably never had one, so please keep your opinions to yourself. And to all the moms that have the scar- you are superstars! It doesn’t matter how you became a mother, natural birth or C-section what matters is how you raise your kids.

can you help?

More times than not I find myself feeling like I am not good enough. When good things happen instead of enjoying the moment I wonder what is going to go wrong because it’s too good to be true. Because of my stress and anxiety I don’t fully enjoy any moment and I feel like I am just letting these special years of my life pass me by. I can’t be the only person to feel this way. I want to be a happy person, I want to not start worrying about what’s to come next month today. Anyone out there, if you feel this please share what works for you. I feel like I am drowning.

5/27/2022

stars and stripes

I want to live in a world where I can go to the store and not worry that a string will be tied to my car door handle, where my kids can play outside until the sun goes down without a worry, where no kid is scared to go to school because of watching the recent news. I want to be proud of this country that we live in. I want there to be a leader in place that kids would want to be when they grow up and respect. I want everyone to respect the flag and honor the men and women that sacrificed their life for it. At the end of the day it does not matter if you voted democrat or republican you are American. Violence and hatred needs to stop, riots, Covid, Ukraine, school shootings haven’t we seen enough death? I was at dollar tree the other day and saw a group of soldiers in uniform, I thanked them for their service. My son was with me and asked me if I knew them. I said no, but they are the reason we can go and shop at a store and me thanking them is the least I could do. So let’s raise our kids to respect the military, people in uniform and most of all our flag.

5/26/2022

in Jesus name

It sickens me to think that we live in a world where someone walked into a school with a loaded gun and killed 19 children and 2 teachers. I can’t even imagine the pain and sadness that community is going through. The is no longer a safe place for those kids. If kids have stuff going on at home, going to school used to be a safe place. Yesterday changed that. That shooter not only took the lives of those 21 people but also took the comfort of know your child is ok in school from the whole country. No parent should worry that when they kiss their kid that morning it might be the last time. When will this violence stop? People are living in fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of shopping at target and having your child be kidnapped, sending them to school and worrying about shootings. Not ok, do better America. Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. For the media to make all this about gun laws is not only disrespectful to the families who lost loved ones but also takes away what happened. Politicians have their own agenda and use terrible events of what happened to speak “their truth”. There’s 19 kids that won’t get to grow up, go to college, get married, start their own family. There’s 2 families of the teachers whose kids will have to grow up without a mother. Those are the victims in all of this. No one has stopped and asked why did this happen? It’s not the gun, it’s not the lack of mental health help that we have, it’s the shit show that we live in. People are going insane, no one is on the same page and instead of having a conversation and try to see it from a different view people blow up. Political views are ripping families apart. So please let’s take politics out of this. I know that I will be hugging my kids tighter going forward. I woke up this morning and thought of the poor parents waking up to a quiet house this morning because their child is no longer there. We all need to come together and do better.

5/25/2022

Last week I did what I should have done years ago and took my life back. I gave my toxic job of 6 years my 2 week notice. I have given it my all in the last 6 years, stayed late, came in early, worked weekends, worked off the clock, grew the company. All that did not matter in the end, I gave my 2 weeks and they couldn’t do the same. I was asked to leave before completing my 2 weeks. If I already didn’t have my mind made up this would have been a final nail in the coffin. I’m moving on to a better job with more money and better benefits but I still feel hurt by how it ended at a job that I gave my last 6 years to. I didn’t even get a thank you. I was tossed out like a piece of trash, you know why? Because I learned my value. I saw what I’ve done, I saw all the extra jobs that I took on with no extra pay. I saw people doing 1/10 of the work making double. The extra things I took on to be a “team player” became and expectation and part of my job. Other people used me as a resource to help them grow while I was stagnant. I’m one of those people that likes being challenged, I love figuring things out and working towards a goal. When I stopped learning, I felt stuck. A local competitor company reached out to me, saw my potential, listened to what I was looking for in my next role and invested in me. After many interviews with different companies this just felt right. It was like a breath of fresh air feeling appreciated and heard. I’m taking away many lessons from my job that I’m leaving. I learned that I do have tough skin after all. Working in the construction industry I’ve been told that you can’t be a “wall flower”. I was tough when I had to be and compassionate when someone needed it. The friendships I’ve made I’m taking with me. I learned that I need to be respected and appreciated sounds crazy that my recent role didn’t come with that. I learned that company culture outweighs just about anything and in order for any company to be successful and grow taking care of current employees is the only way to get there. The biggest lesson I’m walking away with is that I now know my value and I will never again sell myself short. Here’s to new beginnings! 4/8/22

8

In just 3 short days my son will be 8. I would be lying if I said the last 8 years didn’t fly by. He made me a mom 8 years ago and we made him a big brother 5 years ago. His sense of humor, intelligence and compassion will take him far in life. For only being 8 he truly knows who he is, meanwhile I’m 34 and still trying to figure life out. He teaches me patience every day. He thinks outside of the box and applies himself fully to anything he wants to do. His drive for wanting to be the best, number 1 at everything he does is something most adults can learn from. Named after his dad and he truly lives up to the name. They are the same person. I started dating my husband at 15 so I missed 15 years of his life before me, I get to see it now through our son. Johnny you are simply put AMAZING, we love you beyond measure and hope you have the best 8th birthday! We have always said you will accomplish great things and we are so proud of you! I have no doubt year 8 will be GREAT :) 3/7/22

be kind

I want to live in the world where I don’t have to explain to my kids what war is and why I have tears rolling down my face as I watch what is happening in Ukraine. People no longer talk about Covid, vaccines or masks it’s all about Putin and what he’s doing. I want to be able to watch the news and be inspired to be better, I want to be proud instead of being ashamed when I speak Russian to my parents in public. I want people of Ukraine to be free and I wish we could take back everything that happened this past week. I honestly don’t know when it will end or how far Putin will go, I’m not even sure that he knows. Will he stop invading Ukraine or if he takes control of it will he move on to other countries like Latvia which is where I am from? I worry about my kids growing up and seeing this, I pray for the families that lost loved ones and the ones that are currently fighting to protect their land. I hate feeling helpless. I also feel guilty that I am safe and I am surrounded by my family while others are being torn apart. My heart has been heavy and my mind is exhausted trying to make sense of this. I am terrified about what is next and the fact that I may never see my grandmother again that lives in Russia kills me. 3/2/22

enough

Motherhood is hard. No one warns you about how challenging and stressful it is. No matter how organized you are or how well you plan, the laundry will never be caught up and there will be days that you just want to get in your car and drive off a cliff. When I get home from work, I always need a few minute to unwind and change into comfy clothes. Now imagine trying to do that and hearing “mama, when can I do that? When can I do this? Can you buy me that? What’s for dinner?”. All while someone is hugging your leg. Privacy going to the bathroom is nonexistent when you become a mom. Constant feeling of not being good enough, guilt of working too much, spending too much time on my phone are all things I battle with daily. Irritation of having to repeat myself 17 times about cleaning their room, putting on shoes, eating all their meals, brushing their teeth is another challenge. I’m sure it seems like I don’t like being a mother, sometimes that is true. I hate to admit that but I have to be honest, it’s hard. I love my kids more than anything but at times I feel like when I became a mom I lost myself. I lost my independence, ability to say yes when friends ask to go out, going out to dinner with my husband or simply watching a movie. On days when life gets to me and I lose my will to keep going I know I have to get out of bed and keep going. My babies are counting on me, they are my motivation to do better, to keep going to a job that I hate until I find something else. I want to be a good mom, I want them both to grow up and look back on their childhood and only have good memories. I want them to never question my love for them. I wish mental health was as easy to fix as a broken bone, put a cast on it. On the bad days when I let my anxiety win being a mom is 100 times harder. The amount of weight I have on my chest that there are times they don’t get the best version of me is hard to accept. The crazy part is that they accept me. To them I am mom. To them I am not the 34 year old that is still “trying” to buy a house, not a stressed out woman that hates her job, not the irritated individual, I am their mom. The one that comforts them before bed time, kisses all the boo boos, supports their dreams, saves all their artwork and cheers the loudest at all the games. They love me for the simple fact that I am their mom and that is enough, I am enough. 1/19/2022

JJK

Last night as I was trying to get my son to fall asleep I laid down with him and couldn’t help but stare at him while his eyes were closed. He looked so grown up and it brought me to tears. For not even being 8 years old he knows exactly who he is and he stays true to that. When he makes friends, he keeps them. He’s a good big brother to his little sister. He loves to read books and write. Math is his strongest subject and at the same time is a class clown. Earlier this year he had a project where he had to use one word to describe himself and he said “curious”. Valid word for Johnny, his mind is like a sponge. He loves sports and is a good athlete. He’s determined to be the best at pretty much everything and it shows. I hope that he knows just how much his dad and I love him and there is not a day that goes by that we are not proud of the young man that he’s becoming. Not too long ago he was laying on my chest being only a few hours old. Time really is a thief and it’s crazy to think that my 1st baby will be 8 in March. Everyday when I pick him up from school I ask the same 2 questions “what did you learn?” “ what was your favorite part of today?” he tells me what he learned, funny things that happened, what he ate for lunch. But what he doesn’t know, is that the moment that he tells me all that, is my favorite part of every day. Thank you for making me mama sweet boy. 1/14/22

1/10/22

What would you tell your younger self if you were able to go back in time and give advice knowing what you know now? 

I would say focus more on education and go to school for something you are truly passionate about instead of drowning yourself in debt and not knowing. Credit score is as important as your reputation and I wish high schools would explain that more to kids instead of us solving math problems that we will never use in real life. Travel as much as you can, learning different cultures opens your mind to new possibilities. Follow not only your heart but also your gut. All the tears shed, breakups and drama with the high school boyfriend will be worth it because he ends up being your husband. He loves you even when you make it hard, he is hard on you but it’s only to make you better. He’s kind when you need him and knows exactly how to make you feel special. You have 2 kids, 2 amazing humans that you created with the love of your life. They challenge you everyday, make you tired but most of all fulfill your life in ways you didn’t know was possible. Your parents are going though a lot health wise, they are keeping their chins up and your relationship with your mother is still a work in progress. You raise your kids believing that they can do anything they set their mind to. You want them to have a better life than you. You work hard at being a good mother, everyday. You let yourself go in a lot of ways, gained weight the way you dress but you are working on that right now. You carry a lot of guilt that at the age of 34 you don’t own a home. You know it will happen but it’s always on your mind. You allow the negative thoughts to control your life but you are dealing with it. You need to take breaks for your wellbeing, 1 hour at the thrift shop or getting a coffee and reading a book. You are never alone but you feel alone and that gets tough. You have so much good in your life. Beautiful kids, a husband that loves you who is also great dad, you are starting your little business. You need to push the dark feelings away, you can’t let the demons win. You are stronger than you think, you are kind, you stand by what you believe in. You are compassionate and thoughtful. You take pride in your work and your creativity is endless. There’s so much good in your life, you are so incredibly lucky. Turns out people that say that life is short are 100% right. But what they don’t tell you is as the time passes you mostly only remember the good times and moments so focus on that. Be in the moment, enjoy it and most importantly smile.

1/8/22

Today was one of the worst days of my life. It started as a typical Saturday. I woke up, got the kids dressed and ready for my son’s basketball practice. I was planning on stopping at Dunkin’ Donuts to get the kids donuts and a coffee for me. My husband was coming with us and he takes longer to get ready than us so there was no time for donuts. We drove to practice and got there right on time. My son was doing great. My husband was sitting on the other side of the court to stay by our daughter who was playing dolls with another little girl who’s brother is on my son’s team. My parents showed up and sat next to me. Everything was going fine, the kids were bouncing the balls running back and forth, doing drills. I looked over at my son and I could tell something was not right. He dropped the ball and started to walk over to me, he took his mask off and asked for water. I offered him mine since he left his in the car, he declined and said he doesn’t feel good. I told him I will go to the car and get his water and I asked him if he wanted to go home. He hugged me and said “mama something is wrong” his body got heavy and he lost consciousness in my arms. I stood up holding his body and started screaming my husband name over and over. It’s a packed gym, I was wearing a mask finally he heard me and started to run towards me. I put our son on the floor gently and screamed for people to call 911. My husband asked if he hit his head I said no he hugged me and passed out, he picked him up and started running. I got my daughter, my son’s jacket and pants and walked outside. No sight of my husband or son. The car is parked so where did they go? I see them walking out of the school. My son who was unconscious is walking. My husband took him to the bathroom, put cold water on his face and forced him to drink and he came to life. We went home. Both my parents and husband believe that he passed out from dehydration and he barely ate anything that morning before practice. I know that makes sense and I am so happy that he is ok but because of how it all happened and him passing out in my arms I have a hard time moving on. I check on him all the time, he’s all “mama I’m ok” but I just keep seeing his pale face and I keep hearing my scream for husband to come. My son is an unbelievable kid. I know he’s mine and moms brag but from the moment he came into this world people that meet him just know he’s destined to do something great. He’s smart, loves to read, has an amazing sense of humor, is a great dancer and most of all athletic. He’s programmed to be the best at everything he does and he works hard to make sure that it happens. At age 7 he knows what he wants to be, an engineer or president (said to lower gas prices). I honestly don’t know what I would do if something happened to him. I have been praying to god to keep him safe and that this was a one time situation caused by dehydration and not eating before practice. Being a parent is so scary and stressful, you want to raise them to be good, honest people and also keep them safe. I have so much guilt from not feeding him at home that morning, I should have known we could be running late and wouldn’t have time to stop at Dunkin’ Donuts. I should have woken him up earlier that day so we would have plenty of time for breakfast. I try and try to be the best mom, and I feel like I failed. I did not keep him safe. That whole situation broke me. I keep hugging him, checking on him. I take for granted my kids, my husband I need to take a step back and appreciate what I have. Life is short, too short. So we need to love our babies, hold them as much as we can and tell them we love them even more than we do now.

1/6/22

Some people come into your life and you just know that no matter what happens and no matter how much time has passed you can call them and pick up right where you left off. I have a friend like that, let’s call her Anne. Anne and I became friends about 15 years ago, when we worked together. We connected on our love of food, art and trying new restaurants. She introduced me to Pho and the rest was history. I can’t even tell you how many hours were spent over noodles. We would force each other to read books that we would then discuss and take day trips to places we haven’t been. She went through a hard break up, changed jobs and I was there. I got married and she stood by me, when I gave birth to my son she held him at the hospital and we named her godmother. She would spend Christmas Eve with us and was part of our family. Then she re-connected with an old friend that ended up becoming her boyfriend and the next thing I know my best friend was leaving to go live in Portland, Oregon. If you don’t know, that’s 3,086 miles from Boston, I googled it. She sold her house, packed her whole life into a huge moving box, got in her car along with her cat and followed her heart. It’s been about 6 years since she left, I miss her terribly. Sometimes I drive by her old house just to be nosy to see if the new owners changed anything. Frequent phone calls turned to once in a while. We used to send packages and this past Christmas I sent a card and haven’t heard back. Our lives got in the way, I had my daugher since she’s been gone, she made a new life for herself which is so amazing. I hope she’s happy, but I miss my friend. She would listen to me without judgement, I did the same. I am making a promise that when Covid is behind us I will visit, Anne do you hear me, are you there Anne, Anne? I will visit. I want you to show me the best coffee shops, best stores to get a graphic tee and can’t forget about Pho. Miss you so much friend.

1/3/2022

Back to work after being off for 12 days and all I want to do is go back home and snuggle with my 4 year old daughter. I put away all the Christmas decorations in my office and it looks sad, I watered the plant that i inherited from my friend that got fired a few months back. Once I logged into my computer it felt like I never even had the time off. The 200 unanswered emails, the lack of drive and motivation this place gives me is still here. I promised myself that 2022 was going to be different so I will answer the rest of those emails, create some posts for work. Breakout my new planner for 2022 and start writing down my weekly goals and motivations. I’ll start small, like re-organizing my closet and donating or selling things I no longer wear. Can you keep a secret? My dream would be to live in an RV or a tiny house. I know it sounds crazy with 2 kids but especially now when the world seems like such a scary place it would be amazing to just go. Go to a place that kids can run around free with no masks, I can go to sleep with not worrying about bills or anxiety about my job a place where we can truly spend time as a family. I wish to be the person that stays out in the rain when it’s raining instead of looking for cover, i used to be that girl. Somehow I lost her along the way, I miss her. The free spirit, go with the flow attitude was replaced by lists, planning and stress. I will find her again, she’s still in me. I feel her when I laugh at something my kids did, she’s with me when randomly my husband says lets go for a walk or a drive. Crafting has really been working for me to bring her back. She’s the girl that used to take the pee smelling subway into Cambridge for a watercolor class. I don’t blame my kids or my husband that I lost her, life got in the way. Mental health did a number on me and I am now working on picking up the pieces. It’s something I struggle with everyday but I need to be whole for my family. I need to enjoy moments with them, even on days when it’s hard. Anyone that struggles with mental health will understand how it’s a constant battle that you have internally. Somedays are good, others set you back. Because I am a mom, on the bad days I can’t just take a break the little humans still need me. Truth be told to keep going I need them just as much. 

It’s 5pm on a Sunday night and I have to go back to work tomorrow. My stomach hurts just thinking about it. This past week flew by so fast, I loved not have to wake up in a rush to get my son ready for school and to make myself look half decent. So dreading tomorrow where my life goes back to Chaos management. My work gives me so much anxiety, It’s been very clear lately that they are using me for my ideas and actually hired a girl who’s job is to copy the marketing that I do for my company. I feel like there’s no room to grow and most of all I feel stuck. I am good at my job, I take pride in it but lately I’ve lost all of my drive and feel like I’m not sure what I’m working towards. I know what’s going to happen tomorrow I will wake up, I will get my son ready and drop him off at school and I will go to work. By Tuesday I will be back in the swing of things and hating life again. I feel like after vacation you need something to look forward to just to keep going. I do have a business trip in March ( for a job I’m not happy at) lol. Ok no more negativity, this is 2022. New year, new me with all the same problems. I will do my best to be in the moment and really enjoy life, focus on the positives. I started a new face washing/toner routine to make myself look like I’m 22 ( haha not 34). Also hopefully I’ll be saying goodbye to some pounds, I have been drinking giant jug of water everyday. It’s funny how New Years forces people to take a hard look at themselves and see what they are not happy with. I also read somewhere that dressing better forces you to look at yourself in a better light. I’m going to start trying to not look like I just rolled out of bed in 2022. I also got some turtlenecks because I think that’s going to be a go to top this year. Last time I wore a turtleneck was in 6th grade, I felt suffocated the whole time. Wish me luck. So the new Kate will arrive to work tomorrow, with shiny skin from all the crap that I’m using to look like I am 22, with a coffee in one hand, giant water jug in the other wearing a turtleneck. I will also have my new work tote with my new 2022 planner in it, that I am going to force myself to use and not stop by February like all the others. Positive, only positive thoughts. Wish me luck. 01/02/21