I love all the hard-core D/s images that pass through my time-line: whippings and caning, nipple torture, strap-ons (particularly strap-ons) and on and on. But at the end of the night, this is what’s important, this is what counts. The intimacy and love between two people who have revealed their deepest sexual desires and reveled in them. Two people who are closer from sharing an intimate journey. Two people who love one another.
When you have laid your soul bare, when you have exposed your true and most vulnerable self , that’s when you are truly naked.
When you have been accepted and desired for it, that’s when you are truly loved.
I’m fading, each day. Competing with ghost of your version of me. I dressed as you liked, laughed when you wished. I’m scared by you and wishing for an escape.I don’t want to be your favourite place to hide or your comforting pillow anymore. I need you to understand that I’m not the same person who fell in love with you. And while I’m re discovering myself, I don’t want to hear about your bad days because I don’t want my demons to win. I know, you need me, but right now I need myself more;
“I’m okay.” At least that’s what I tell you and what I tell myself Because for as long as I can remember, there’s been this odd feeling deep, deep, deep inside of me that I can’t quite explain and it wouldn’t go away
Some days it consumes me downplays even the littlest of the good things that happened to me It’s as if I deserve this and I have no right to be happy I am easily irritated I push people away even if all I wanted was to call out their name and ask them to stay
But what frustrates me the most is that I no longer appreciate all of the things that made my worries dissipate I look at art; I used to make art because art is supposed to make you feel something But how is that even possible now when the void only keeps on growing and at the end of the day, you still feel like you’re missing something?
That’s why I say I’m “okay” Two letters or four, however you spell it It looks simple and easy It doesn’t ask any questions It doesn’t take much out of my depleting energy And that’s what I want right now — what I think I need
Some people see past my fictitious testimonies, my false confidence, false smile, false laugh So it looks like I’m not succeeding in the illusion that I keep conjuring They tell me to man up and to stop overthinking They tell me to snap out of it; there are bigger problems than my own Gee, Karen, I didn’t know it was that easy! I should have thought about that sooner Now, I think you’ve cured me!
I look around me and see how people can just simply be happy My friends are going to med school, they’ve defended their thesis, they sleep in on weekends, they have time to watch a movie It looks like things come to them so naturally Then only one thing invades my thoughts in the wee hours of the morning: why can’t that be me?
Deep down I know that those things can be misleading; that these people also have things that they’re keeping We might have the same struggles, there’s just a little difference in the details It’s just that these bad brain days make me feel like I’m beyond repair, and this distorted way of thinking is here to stay and keep me in despair
I tried everything there is: books that help you rediscover your purpose, catch up with my good ol’ friends, chant while in the sitting position called “lotus”, and redirect my focus to school things instead I’ll admit that it somewhat helped and suddenly, things are no longer as intense So here I am, thinking, “Did I…just make that up in my head?”
So one day, I find myself singing again ABBA, Beyoncé, Kanye, you name it I’ve set my mind on grad school I’m working on defending my thesis You wouldn’t even believe that I got eight hours of sleep last weekend I also just watched a whole season of good TV I didn’t even know that the agents of SHIELD had been battling the Kree Gosh, I don’t want this feeling to end
But that good, happy place doesn’t last and the emptiness creeps in way too fast I thought I’ve had a good grip on this new reality How did I let it get taken out of my hands? Here we go again It’s barely been a minute since I actually felt sane Here we go again with this random period of crippling paranoia “Can we please chill for a minute, dear brain?”
No. And it was there when I came to understand why people jumped in front of moving trains, why they threw themselves off buildings, why some chose to drink the night away — a quick fix Acting as quickly as the void that swallowed them whole; as quickly as their desire to put it all to an end
They say that the truth will set you free; they say it’ll bring about inner peace, help you go to bed and finally get a good night’s sleep but there are always two sides of the same coin and we rarely talk about the other story, the one where the truth can be filled with pain and agony the one that makes us feel that we’re locked up in a box and then suffocated by a bag full of life’s atrocities
I wish more people would see this truth that I’m still me and you’re still you that we are not the demons inside our minds that every day is a fight to no longer be slaves of the pain we feel inside I long for the day where I could be honest look you in the eye, take a deep breath, and say, “The truth is, I am not okay.”
I wrote this spoken word poetry piece in the quiet of the morning in my favorite café. All 827 words in under 20 minutes. There were no tears shed in the process of writing and practicing until today, where I broke down mid-performance in front of my literature professor and 16 of my classmates. I guess it was only then and there where I really felt every word I uttered. I was so focused on extracting those feelings and putting them into words, I neglected to understand what they meant. So here I am, back in the café, coming to a realization that there’s still so much pain left inside of me, even if for the past few days I feel like I’m finally getting back on my feet. It’ll probably take a little bit more effort (and maybe even that spiritual retreat next week) to achieve some sort of inner peace, but I’m glad I made this progress of acknowledging my truth today.
If you ever find yourself resonating with this piece, I wish I could surround you with fluffy clouds, cute lil’ bunnies, and all the good things. If you need a friend, my inbox is open 24/7.
My roots penetrate deep into the Earth, I grow strong and I gain knowledge from the nature that surrounds me. I am calm, I am collected, and I am strong.
My body grows up, it is hardened on the outside to protect me. It branches off into my many limbs. I stand tall, swaying in the breeze.
My emotions, my thoughts, my experiences are my leaves, my blossoms, and my fruit. They grow big, strong, and stable in the light of the gods, and the rain of the goddesses. When one fails, a new one takes it’s place. I am a tree, of love and of worship.
