Riften Guard:“Hold there. Before I let you into Riften, you need to pay the visitor’s tax.”
Dragonborn: “What’s the tax for?”
Riften Guard:“For the privilege of entering the city. What does it matter?”
“Whaddyou want, then?” It took a moment for [Lydia] to recognize his growl as speech. How can a guard be so lax? Then, to her mounting horror, she noted the sergeant’s patch on his shoulder. He has authority?
The other guard gave a hacking cough, and Lydia’s eyes flicked over and down to him. Then, they flicked down some more, until she beheld him in all his repulsive splendor.
He was most likely human, if only because even Riften probably didn’t let goblins join the town watch. She quickly looked away, though. Learning anything more would require studying him, and she wasn’t in the mood to punish herself that way.
With some relief, she wrenched herself away from the oddly compelling horror of the smaller guard, and faced the obese Dark Elf. “I need to get into the city. Is this gate usable?”
He nodded, leaning on his spear. “Aye. Gate works.” He smiled at her. “It’s ten gold to use.”
“Ten septims!” She saw red, and had to restrain herself. “Is this—is this a bribe?”
In Whiterun, we’d have them flogged for even suggesting such a thing!
The scrawny guard coughed, and when he started talking she realized it had been to get her attention. “Aye, for upkeep, innit?”
“Upkeep?”
The Dark Elf nodded in what he was clearly intending to be a sage manner. “Aye. Wear and tear, and the like.”
The little one jumped in then. “Every day, the gate goes up and down, up and down. ‘Snot good for the chains and, y'know, the like. So we needs you to contribute towards this public service.”
Lydia knew a scam when she saw one. “Any why, pray tell, is the gate down at all?”
The Dark Elf puffed out his chest indignantly. “Why, leaving the gate open would be to invite all sorts of miscreants into our city! Perish the thought! Have you ever heard such a thing, Nobby?”
The little one—Nobby—shook his head. “Perish the thought indeed, Sarge! We’d be overrun with bandits and riffraff! This ‘ere gate is key to the defense of our fair—” he devolved into a fit of coughing that may or may not have been divine retribution for calling Riften fair“—home!”
She looked them both up and down, wincing when her eye fell on Nobby’s face. “Could I have your names, so I can report such… dedication…to your superiors?”
The Dark Elf laughed. “Won’t be anyone to care, I can tell you that. Unappreciated, the two of us!” He scratched his nose. “But, if you’re wondering, I’m the honor of being Sergeant Fedril Kolyn. And this here is the right honorable Corporal Mordistair Nobbs, what we call Nobby for short.”
Mordistair Nobbs is it? It was unwieldy and completely unfitting, and might almost have been Breton. However, she had a hard time seeing any Breton she’d met sharing much with this… nodded absently as she thought, almost forgetting their attempt to shake her down. “And, ah, Nobby, if you don’t mind me asking…”
“Human!” He grinned hugely, and produced a greasy sheet of paper from under his breastplate. “Got a paper right here from one of those fellows at the College, saying I am,” he read aloud from the paper, marking each word with his finger, “in the absence of ev'dence to the contrary, almost certainly 'uman!” His grin showed off his teeth, of which most were yellow and several were gold. “'Not many folks can say they got a wizard’s affa-davit on that!”
So, this is the quality of the Riften guard. She’d never been one for prejudice based on appearances, but only an organization desperate for warm bodies would take Nobby. And as for Sergeant Kolyn…
She waved at the gate. “It’s been a pleasure. Now, let me through.”
Kolyn stood up as straight as he could. “Like I said—”
She glared at him. “You’re trying to bribe me. Either you open this gate now, or I report you for corruption.”
The two shared a long look, and then dissolved into peals of laughter.
Lydia waited until they’d regained some control of themselves. It would have been the easiest thing to go and find another gate, but now she was well and truly annoyed. I’m going to go through this gate, and I’ll not give them so much as a halved drake to do it!
Sergeant Kolyn finally stopped laughing long enough to point at the gate. “You must be new around here, miss. Nobody’s going to care if we’re collecting some extra repair fees. Plus, we’re guarding the gate. Right hazardous duty, it is!”
Corporal Nobbs nodded vehemently, and his ill-fitting helmet almost fell off his head. “What the big man said.”
Sergeant Kolyn gave Corporal Nobbs a little nudge with the butt of his spear. “You’d best show me the respect of my rank, Nobby.”
“Beggin’ your pardon, Sarge, but I shows you a lot more respect than most what 'ave your rank. If'n you was one of those officers like I had in the Stormcloaks, then we’d 'ave a real problem.”
Apparently they’d forgotten that Lydia existed, but she couldn’t let that last bit slide. “Youwere a Stormcloak?”
Nobby grinned. “For all of a day, I was! Offered a signing bonus and it weren’t half bad money, but then they wanted I should go to war. So, I slipped out of my tent with some of the captain’s silverware and came back.” He winked at her. “Lucky I wrote the wrong name on the papers, and nobody never seems to draw my face right for the wanted poster.” He shrugged. “Don’t think war’s quite to my liking, any'ow.
“Right you are, Nobby.” Kolyn was nodding again. “War’s a fool’s game, and no mistake.”
Lydia had had enough. “Very enlightening. Now open the damn gate.”
Sergeant Kolyn blinked. “There’s no call to be rude, miss.”
She sighed and hefted her shield from her back. “Open the gate, or I will.”
She could see the calculations happening in their heads. Their eyes went up and down the length of her body, and she obligingly loosened her sword and settled into an easy stance.
Sergeant Kolyn nodded, as though something had been agreed upon. “I think, for rare cases of clear civic virtue such as yourself, the ordinary upkeep fee can be waived.” He slammed a fist on the gate. “Open up, you lot! Got a visitor!”
A muffled voice came back through. “Whatever you bilked her for, I get half!”
Corporal Nobbs put his mouth so close to the door that he was practically kissing the wood. “Listen to me, you skeever-sucking stout! We’ve an important guest out 'ere! Open this door, or the captain’ll 'ear about it!”
There was bit of muffled cursing while the gate creaked open, and Kolyn nodded to her again. “May I be the first to welcome you to Riften, my lady. Enjoy your stay, and don’t drink the canal water.”
Nobby leaned in too, and Lydia resisted the urge to lean away. “Also, I’d recommend 'gainst the antagonization of any others what are wearing the jarl’s colors. Me and Fedril 'ere are fair-minded types, but some of the other fellows would throw you in the canal for nothing at all.” He bowed, and stuck out a hand, palm up.
As if he’d get a coin!
She glared at them both. “You have to be the worst guards I’ve ever seen.”
Corporal Nobbs snorted. “That'nd a drake’ll get me a cup o’ piss-ale at the Shackle, so'n I’ll lose no sleep.”
Ignoring the urge to grab them both and smack them around until they were less, well, them, she grabbed the reins of her horse and passed beneath the gate.
Welcome to Riften, I guess.
—
Excerpt from chapter 20 of Dragon from Ash by Mortigaunt on Archive of our Own, featuring a very minor crossover from Terry Pratchett’s Discworldnovels.
(Sorry, Tumblr decided to treat me like a spammer when I tried to include a direct link, but please go read the fic! It’s one of my favorites!)
