A/N: Not edited or proof read, next couple chapters gonna be pretty angsty, I promise one of the next parts will finally have the reader/bucky content.
After you were sure everyone was settled and no one would get in your way on the way to your room you finally left the jet. You felt like a ghost, your clothes smelt like a wet towel, your hair was frizzy and waving, only two things went well for you today: the overall mission of whatever those things were although you were sure they would be back, and that everyone on the team was safe.
You were trying your best to not focus on what you didn’t do, what you failed to do but what you could still do. You could run away and make sure you were never found, you could pretend you were okay and the whole thing was a misunderstanding, you could spill your guts to everyone but you weren’t sure which was the best option, you were praying they would be fourth.
When you finally made it to your room you couldn’t help but stop and stare at Bucky’s door just for a second, your hand lingering on yours a little part of you hoping he would sense you there and would open the door. The events of what happened mere weeks or was it months ago, replaying in your mind. You shuttered at the thought of it all, you slammed your door shut and instructed Friday to not let anyone in under any circumstances. You had tons of things you should be thinking about but your mind could only think of one thing, one person and that was Bucky.
You didn’t know what to make of the situation with Bucky. You could admit the timing of everything was absolutely horrible and you were absolutely not thinking straight when you did what you did. You were blinded by the darkness that was in you, the rage that’s in you, the guilt of every drop of blood that was on your hands and maybe this was your punishment for everything you had done wrong in life which was a lot. You didn’t even think of how it might affect certain people and by certain people you only meant two people, your ‘sister’ and Bucky.
Bucky would think it was his fault and of course it wouldn’t be it’s not like he pushed you over the edgeliterally, he actually jumped down with you, which made things even more confusing. No, he was just a factor to the whole equation, a huge factor but it was again your fault you relied on him too much for your own happiness it was greedy, right? Of course it was and that was the first mistake you made in the disaster of finally having your own life back after the Red Room. You didn’t even want to think of the three words you always dreamed of coming out of this mouth and when they finally did you thought you would feel more, you thought you would be overjoyed but you didn’t. Did you even want to be loved?
And god, your sister, you had loved her unconditionally and surely you could have told her how you were feeling but she would either call you a baby, tell you everyone has their own shit or she would cuddle you, you weren’t sure which option you wanted so you just never said anything. When you wanted, no needed someone the night you confessed your love to Bucky only to have the door slammed in your face you wanted to go to her but she would just simply tell you love was for children and you knew of her pass with Buc – the winter soldier. But when Sam said what he said about the noises he heard coming from Bucky’s room that night you could only assume the only person he would have in his room at that hour doing thatwas her because of their history and you couldn’t be mad at her you knew you couldn’t she didn’t know, no one knew to them it was just playful flirting between Bucky and you. But it didn’t mean it hurt, Natasha was your sister after all, the betrayal you felt was still there even if her knowledge of the love you had for Bucky wasn’t.
“I knew she was sad, i just didn’t know she was that sad” Wanda breathed out, after listening to what Sam had to say.
“Aren’t we all though? We all have baggage but nobody jumps off cliffs because of it” Natasha mumbled, picking at her nails.
All eyes snapped to her, Sam was quick to rebuttal “That’s a little harsh don’t you think?”
“Maybe a little but that wasn’t the point i was trying to make” She sighed leaning forward.
You came around the corner “Then what was it?“ You cocked your head to the side.
When no one said anything you laughed, it wasn’t a humorous laugh, it was dry and filled with pain “Weird my ears were bleeding like someone was talking about me, had to find out for myself” you grabbed a drink from the bar pouring yourself a glass of whisky, taking a sip “Oh please do continue, just pretend i’m not here” you winked.
“Y/n…” Sam took a cautious step forward eyeing his teammates.
You slammed the glass down “Really? No one has anything to say?” You started to pace “So you all freely can talk about me and the situation you know nothing about behind my back but when I am here” You gestured to the room, to everyone “Standing in front of you, no one cares? No one has anything to say?” You were almost yelling, your voice was raised suely echoing through the compound.
You weren’t going to lie to yourself. It felt good to yell, to finally express the emotions you were stacking on top of one another and pushing down for so long. But the longer the silence dragged on for, the longer you stared at the people that were supposed to be your family, the one you didn’t feel a part of anymore. You couldn’t help but think of all the times you were there, shoulders to cry on, the ears they wanted to, all the times you made sure they were truly okay, hoping that they would see that you weren’t okay, that you were just falling deeper and deeper into a hole.
“I am standing right here” Your voice no longer warranting the force it had just moments ago, but instead it was cracking at the seams “I am right here” your chest was rising and falling rapidly “I was hurting” a sharp inhale “i am hurting and i’ve always been here” a shaky exhale “I’ve always been here for all of you. I’m here now and you’re all here but no one is ever really there”
Natasha was the one that took a step forward, she just stared at you, the fire in her eyes burning into yours. Nat and you were close, she was your sister, the two of you a product of the same environment, you both lost each other along the way but when she escaped you were punished for her doing so, and was handed over to Hydra to be used as lab rat or a punching bag i depended on the day, while she was joining SHIELD. Her only request and requirement for joining the avengers was they had to find you and after ultron they did, you were finally home she said but nothing ever felt like home till Bucky.
Her voice firm and unwavering, ready for a challenge, her fist clenched “You were being selfish”
You were stunned, you flinched at her words, shock taking over your body soon followed by pure rage “I was, I was what? I was hurting! I am hurting”
“We’re all hurting!” She screamed a slight crack in her voice “But you don’t see us doing what you tried to do” Her finger jabbed into your shoulder pushing your back.
Tony came from behind Natasha placing a hand on her shoulder “Alright let’s calm down” She shrugged it off giving you a look you have never seen on her face, before she tried to stomped out of the room but your feet pulled you forward, heart racing “No, you don’t get to say that and leave!”
“Were done here” she whipped around “Im done”
You blinked, you could feel burning rage creeping its way up your spine “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I risked my life to save you! I risked my career to save you and this is how you repay me?” Her water line was brimming with tears, she scoffed “Your no sister of mine, my sister would never do something like that.”
You swallowed down your anger and betrayal “Your right” you smiled “Were not sisters and we haven’t been for a long time and we never will be again, Im done here” You turned to face the rest of the group “I quit”
“I am standing right here” Your voice no longer warranting the force it had just moments ago, but instead it was cracking at the seams “I am right here” your chest was rising and falling rapidly “I was hurting” a sharp inhale “i am hurting and i’ve always been here” a shaky exhale “I’ve always been here for all of you. I’m here now and you’re all here but no one is ever really there”
➳ welcome to my little headcanon series; The Baby Diaries. here is where I’ll create headcanons for pregnancy/delivery/raising kids featuring some of the people i write about. if you have any ideas you want to see in this series as headcanons, send me an ask! i’d love to incorporate your ideas into it! :) until then, have fun reading & i hope you enjoy! I’m so excited
Warnings:Talking about the past, pet name, Bucky is a love sick puppy, sappiness like tooth rotten sappy. kissing, rough shower sex, mentions of alcohol.
Synopsis: The morning after leads to questioning gossip among the team and a nice hot refreshing shower.
“Hey, Has anyone seen Y/n? I can’t find her anywhere?” Wanda asks the team that all sit on the curved couches in the large main lounge room. The party has now but died down, leaving only a few close friends and the team to be wondering the compound.
“Last time I saw her, She was with Bucky on the balcony.” Sam wiggles his eyebrows, taking a smug filled sip of his beer.
“They’re not there anymore?”
“Now you think of it where did they run off to? I thoug—” Nat’s words got cut off at a shocked face Tony and panting Bruce, obviously trying to keep up with the playboy.
“You guys might want to take a look at this…” All the crew are quick to get up from their seats, heading down the hall to the meeting room. Tony Brings up the screen board that sits at the front of the room, while Bruce works the computer on the small desk next to it. A small USB flips through Tony’s fingers before he chucks it to Bruce.
“Come on what’s with all the tension, spill already.” Nat snarls slightly annoyed at the dark-haired for interrupting her earlier. Bruce stuck the USB in the computer, before beginning to talk.
“When people started to leave the party, Tony and I thought we should go have a little skim over the files that we got back from the latest mission.” Tony continued Bruce’s words;
“Most were basic information but One file caught our eye.” Tony threw the file onto the table, making it slide until it retched Steve that sat at the end. Opening it, The file contains, photos, documents, logbooks, and some note sheets about new experimentation that Hydra was doing.
“The file came with a USB, Which we decided to try and unlock but the coding on it is corrupted, showing us locked files. But we should be able to unlock it by tomorrow.” Bruce clicks a few buttons before showing locked files on the USB reading ‘Subject 02’, Surveillance 1-19, and More written in German.
“It seems this subject was the second to undergo heavy experimentation. The same unit Bucky was in.” It was like a pin dropped in the thick silence. Steve suddenly had full focus on the screen in front of them. Nat pulls a photo out of the file that’s on the large table, showing a little girl with her back facing the camera. Bright white wings covered in blood was the centrepiece of the photo, notes written on top, written in Russian and some in German.
“It says birth deformity? Does this mean this child was born with wings?” Nat passed the photo to Wanda, her shocked expression examines the photo.
“How is that possible?” Sam speaks up crossing his arms, leaning back on his chair, feeling a gross feeling in his chest from viewing the photos.
“We have no idea but we plan on getting answers tomorrow,” Tony said.
“What?” Clint almost coughed out confused at the man’s words.
“What he means is, we want to take care in this situation and try and understand what happened. We aren’t just going to barge in and harass Barnes on the matter.” Bruce cut Tony’s word, eyeing him with a stern stare.
“We can always get Wanda to read his cyborg mind.” Tony pops his lips with his words.
“Hang on, Buck knew her during his winter soldier phase? But he wasn’t himself what makes you think he’ll remember someone that probably meant nothing to him. There will be no need to read his mind.” Steve ticked off at the thought of his friend getting probed and invaded yet again. Bruce sighed at the tension spilling from Steve, trying to find the words to ease the room.
“We are not doing anything or telling Barnes until we open the USB. Who knows what we’ll find. But until then, we wait.” Bruce cuts all the chatter in the room off, wanting nothing more than to hurry up and get into the locked USB, so they can seriously get to the bottom of this new madness.
The bright sun creeps its way through the curtains of the warm room. Limps overlapping one another as soft snores are heard along with little grunts now and again. Bucky’s dream fades away slowly as his heavy eyes open, separating the sleep from the slit of his lids. His head moves ever so slightly, spotting your face tucked away in his chest, softly nuzzling your nose into him whenever you moved. Your hair is messy, makeup from last night is still on, but now it’s faded and smudged. Your warmth fills him with joy, having your weight gifting him security and comfort.
This was the first night in years he didn’t wake up from a night terror, nor did he have any sort of discomfort. Not even one. All he had was pure happiness, and it was all coming from the person his heart is aching for right beside him. You are the most beautiful thing to him. His angel that he wants to be with for the rest of his life. Your soft snores tickle his chest as your breath is hot. You twitch in your sleep, clearly dreaming of something entertaining to you. You are—
“James…” You whisper snapping Bucky from his thoughts of you. His face lights up hearing his first name slip from your tongue. He doesn’t like his first name, only making people he dislikes or don’t know to call him that, but for some reason, you calling him James makes his heart flutter. Seeing your glossy doe eyes stare back up to him. He can see little bits of sleep you haven’t rubbed out of your eyes yet.
“Morning Darling.” He gives you a soft smile. You nuzzled into his chest, trying to get closer to him, even if that is physically possible you don’t know. Taking in his scent you smile, finally happy.
“Morning Handsome.” You say in a cheeky tone. He chuckles at the nickname, rolling onto his back, keeping his hold on you, making your top half fall on top of him. You lift your head seeing him with a smile.
“Does coffee sound nice?” He growls out, his voice still gravelly from last night. You nod, moving off him slowly. A burning pain suddenly erupts in your lower half, hissing slightly at the pain. Bucky quickly notices, rubbing his thumb over your sore thighs while leaning on his arm.
“Sorry doll, it always hurts the morning after… I must have been a bit too rough.” He says with a little gilt in his words. You just kick them away, kissing his lips softly, saying you’re okay and it’s not too sore.
“Have a shower, put some comfy clothes on. We have the day off. I’ll go get the coffee and we can sit in your lounge, okay?” He gives you a gummy smile. You just laugh lightly at his expression, waddling over to him with your sore legs, gliding your hands up his slightly hairy chest.
“Or you can join me in the shower, and we can go get coffee together afterwards.” You let out a smile with your cheeky request. Bucky swears his heart jumped at the moment and all the blood from his brain went down south within seconds. Picking you up quickly, he almost runs to the connected bathroom to your room, wanting nothing more than to get under the hot water as soon as possible.
“Moring Caps, how are you.” Wanda and vision enter the main kitchen, seeing Sam and Steve sitting at the island bench having their morning coffee. Nat walks in soon after grabbing herself a cup also, taking a seat next to Sam. While they all chatter, Sam decides to make a sly remark.
“So Mr, Soldier boy still missing.” He jokes.
“He didn’t go to his room last night that’s for sure. I went to check on him this morning to see if he wanted to go on a morning run, but his bed was not slept in.” Steve tilted his head slightly taking a sip of his coffee.
“I wonder where he could be?” Vision spoke, rubbing his hand along Wanda’s back lovingly.
-
“J-James…” His kisses trail down your wet skin, as his fingers circle around your sensitive bud. You grip tight on his wet hair, feeling hot from the man in front of you and the hot stream pours from the showerhead.
-
“Maybe he had too much of Thor’s Asgardian alcohol and got drunk so he passed out somewhere?” Nat questions, not thinking that was too far of a stretch.
“Maybe he just got drunk off something else?” Sam wiggles his brows.
-
Bucky holds you tightly against the wet tiled wall, both of his hands squeezing hold rest on the underside of your thighs as he eases into you with a slow thrust. You choke out a breathless moan, nails digging into his back as you kiss him roughly. His thrusts are low and deep, hitting you harder than last night, wanting nothing but the deepest pleasure.
“That’s it darling, you take me so well. My best girl.” He darkly chuckles. His deep thrusts getting faster and hard to an almost inhuman speed.
-
“He’s probably still sleeping. Here let’s solve your mystery hmm?” Wanda chuckles, clicking the button in the centre of the table, bringing up the A.I Friday.
“Hey Friday, can you please tell us where Bucky is right now?”
“Mr Barnes Is taking a shower.”
“See he’s fine—He is located in on the east wing. He is also accompanied by Ms Y/n.” Wanda’s words were cut off by the A.I making Steve spit out some of his coffee.
“Damn Bucky going back for seconds ha, respect soldier boy.” Tony laughs as he enters the kitchen overhearing some of the conversations.
“Gross Stark.” Steve coughs, still choking on his coffee.
“Oh just because you are 100 years old doesn’t mean you should act like it blondie.” Tony scoffs out a chuckle, pouring himself a drink. They all end up talking, questioning how you two seem to become so close so quickly, wanting nothing more but for the two of you to hurry up and join them in the kitchen so they can ask all their gossipy questions.
