You’re not what your dad told you when you were 8. You’re not disappointment. You’re not supposed to be like all the other girls/boys. You’re not letting anyone down if you follow your dreams. You’re not worthless. You’re not embarrassing. You don’t have to wear makeup and dresses. You can wear makeup and dresses. You can create yourself. And I hope, I really hope that one day you’ll understand how beautiful you are. ❤️
I think about death everyday. And now you’re probably like wow, that’s sad! But I think it’s the opposite. I remember everyday that this all can be over soon and that’s why I enjoy every moment to the fullest. Thinking about death doesn’t mean I want to die, it means I want to live the best life before that day comes.
Ok it’s not nice to discredit people for their accomplishments, no matter how small or how unsung BUT there’s def a difference between being proud of yourself and just being a proud ass!
Yes he’s a fire sign. No he’s not the hard working one…or even the romantic, dramatic, funny one…he’s the other one. The one that somehow smooozed Scorpio’s spot.
This is all in good humor btw we’re still friends …on a blue moon…when it’s raining. ..and there’s a warm breeze from the north
See!! Here’s a pic of us communicating perfectly productively ->
K, I know this isn’t my usual content, but I haven’t seen you all in almost a month soooo
Wanna seeeeee what I got!?
Isn’t that doooooorbs!? ❤ K so I love sea horses and to me they represent the normalcy and beauty of the non binary in nature If you didn’t know; the [males] carry, develope, and birth the babies. In light of recent human and constitutional rights violations in the United States, with the “dont say gay” infringements, which puts already vulnerable kids and their care givers at extreme risk; if you’re looking for a positive, non aggressive, scientific way to broach gender fluidity with really anyone ….point them in the direction of a children’s book called Mister Seahorse by Eric Carle ->
Not only is the artwork beautiful and INTERACTIVE !! But it gently leads the reader through different gender roles and non conforming fluidity of many sea creatures ❤
I also got this insanely cravable mug!!! I desire nothing more than utilitarian art !! Like the table for instance It’s not dirty; it looks like water!!
I also got this little Lego figure for the Year of the Tiger we’re gonna pretend it’s Wei Wuxian
Annnnd my favorite!!! ->
I got an amonite for my Pisces sun and a tiger’s eye for my Leo moon
Ah haha!!! Bijou kitty ran to “safe” behind Dad My dog Honey is like OH SHIT!! My bad… She knows I won’t save her lolz LOOK at the fear in those eyes!! [This was taken over my shoulder blind!! I’m sideways in the chair]
Alright happy end of Pictures and thank you for baring with me while I took some time away ❤
ok I still don’t have a computer, but I may have come up with a temporary solution
To all my new fam that has started following, in the last few weeks since I’ve been gone THANK YOU
Here you’ll find a safe space for LGBTQIA+ and allies, to gush over all things anime, manga, seiyu, and music. We simp a lot ^^^ refer to the blog description
Since I left at the end of the Given live stage encore event; I think I’ll go back and post those pre production pics I have, from 2020!! Omg the cast was so young!! Everyone’s glowed up now!!
I’m also looking into allowing tips, if that’s something any of you would be interested in; I have to get a laptop fund together so I can get back to writing my fics, and hopefully publish my oc. If you’re not into that, no worries ♥
Other requests:
I don’t think I’ll post much on Twitter; there’s just too much trolling, and a lot of my metas are off from center.
I did start an Instagram.
I’m a lil nervous cuz some people say, letting your readers know what you look like, can ruin your vibe or appeal or something….yeah I’m just me sooooo here goes ->
@oisturdyboi
No filter biotches!!! Just a lot of water, vitamins, mineral baths ginseng tea, and alllllll the squishmallows !! And am I what you all thought?
Oh shit I meant to post this one->
K the avatar has green eyes cuz I HAVE green eyes They’re just really really dark.
Wow!! Thank you for all the concern really I’m ok. I’m just in a really bad situation, and I won’t know until next week; if it’s gonna get better anytime soon, unfortunately I’m sorry to be vague ❤ I appreciate all of you!! You make life a blast!! If you think you can help in any way, you can msg me here; I still check in. I’m just not good at asking for the things.
Thank you from the bottom of my gay ass heart❤ Jeremy
HEY FAM ❤ I’m sorry but I have to take a break from this blog for a little while. I have serious financial and health issues going on. Every single one of you that has reached out over the last six months; I consider a true life friendo ❤ I really do. I call you all fam, cuz if you’ve never seen me mention it; I don’t have any family of my own. Take care of eachother. Be kind to people; you never know what they’re up against. And if you want to contribute to my work, or even just my wellbeing; contact me here. I’ll check msgs, and I’ll be back soon; but not for a little while. I have to take care of stupid, unfair life stuff.
Jeremy; A Voice Of My Own
Yes I’m crying, love you all ❤
Oh and NORD’s album officially dropped ❤ super happy for this dork
N Very Best you should go check them out!
Ken Funaki played Shizusumi in Kizu Natsuki’s live stage production of Given He’s an incredible dancer and has the voice of an angel !!
You’re really missing out on some funny and cool ish if you’re not following him just saying.
Sunaga Futa is super excited for the Given live stage 2 day event coming up ❤ Of course he is!! I’ve missed him
Also^^Nakagawa Taishi is my new fave person❤
Since I said before I’d write a review on some his movies, but won’t be able to now; I figured I should at least mention him, before I go.
He does a wickedly sexy Kibutsuji Muzan^^
Today’s Kira Kun was a million times better than the manga, for his performance! You should go watch that and ReLife!! Since they’re no longer on streaming services; you can find them in full length and decent quality, on YouTube
Current status til further notice so wish me luck…
Credit to unknown artist; I’m just so jazzed I have these Kedama mascots !!
I’ve been wanting to write about this for a long time now, but I put it off cuz it’s so personal. I mean what follows below, out of love for all identities, queer or not. Kizu Natsuki’s Given, has a pretty equal amount of [straight/gender conforming] and [not straight and or not gender conforming] fans.
⚠️ If you do not personally identify as aligned with the LGBTQIA+ assortment of gender and/or sexual identities, or if you do, but are not GBTmasc (male presenting person who also has same sex attraction) you may find this article a little uncomfortable.
If you DO want to read it; know that it is not meant to be uninclusive or antagonizing, towards anyone. It is written from a place love, and want for understanding, within AND outside of the community. There are topics that need to be addressed, for all LGBTQIA+ to be included in common knowledge of emotional and mental well being. This article is speaking to all BL readers, but pertains to GBTmasc persons; the real life subjects of BL . T for transgender; including non binary and gender fluid “masc”, which is why I will use the word “queer”. I know a lot of people have issues with this word, yet it continues to be the most inclusive and is used positively; by those of us that do not easily align with current language, terminology, or understanding of our identities. ⚠️
It took me 8hrs to type this up on my phone; I am currently without a computer, as it crashed a few weeks ago. I have recently found myself in a place of extreme financial hardship (I do not have family) as my employer’s stock just plummeted, so my savings is gone. My rent has skyrocketed above my means, in the last year, and moving is not an option in my area. If you want to contribute to my ongoing work, help me continue my classes (which I need a computer for), or just contribute to my efforts; please message me. I do not monetize my social media accounts, like Tumblr or Wattpad, because it locks non donating readers out, which is tacky. So I have never asked for donations before. That said; I still need a computer to write. Don’t even care if it’s a refurbished off brand. I’m saying this wholeheartedly; please Please don’t feel pressured or hate me for throwing this out there
That said; this blog has brought so many amazing, hilarious, loving people into my life and I am thankful everyday!! ❤ I try to stay in touch with all of you, but we have such a huge group here now, I can’t keep track!! That’s actually amazing I think we are close to 400 strong! If I haven’t talked to you in a min, or you just wanna say hi; please msg me!! Chances are; our previous msgs are just buried in the feeds
I started this blog, as a safe, and fun place to gush over anime, manga, and seiyu. I also throw in LGBTQIA+ topics from time to time, to educate and empower both LGBTQIA+ and allies. Sometimes posts will deviate from the normal simping and Given manga metas, to topics that may be uncomfortable. They are meant to empower, and enlighten; so that queer persons can eventually be accepted, as just as normal and common, as non queer persons.
This is one of those topics. Yes it is Given related.
Given has become a sort of touch board for opening conversation. No us vs them, but the simple fact of it is; we have very different perspectives of many basic life lessons. To put it plainly; (using this term as gently and inclusive as possible) the queer experience growing up, is not like growing up non queer. We’re the same, but our experiences are inherently different, and expressing that is still not up for discussion, openly. People aren’t even ready to talk about the fact that half of states in the US (its much worse in other countries) can still legally evict you, for being queer. Or that you can be removed from your partner’s entire existence LEGALLY, if something happens to them; through insurance, family wills, and even police action. Thats just in the United States. The majority of the conversations start AFTER you needed someone to talk to. About anything. But as a queer person. I’m not excluding ace/aro/demi; I’m just sticking to mainly GBTmasc persons.
Simple things like talking about relationships platonic or romantic, becoming sexually active, how you want people to take you, even health/puperty concerns; are cornerstones of becoming an adult, for EVERYONE. Your body is changing, your hormones are on wack, your emotions are high, and no matter how true it is that sexuality and gender are not the same; at this point in your life, it absolutely is in YOUR head. Add to that the stress of finding your way through school, family, everything you’re bombarded with on social media, what your ambitions are; you’re being pulled all over the place. And that’s across the board for every young person. Then you have societal “roles” of the sexes. [Females] are expected to be pretty and non invasive but strong and goal oriented while [Males] are told to be assertive and aggressive, but understand that empathy is also expected, but also makes you weak. ???? Wth?
We all say down with the system, now…but it really hasn’t changed a whole lot. We all know these ideals are ridiculous, but we all are forced into partaking in them to some degree, just by interacting with society. I wrote a piece on how in Asian counties, particularly East Asian countries like Japan; it’s much easier for gender expression non conforming [males] to get away with masking, if it’s part of their sexuality aswell. Because, as opposed to western countries; being physically “pretty” or soft in your mannerisms, is prized in males. It isn’t so much an issue if you’re feminine, it’s if you actually are gay. So many queers are able to go sort of reverse stealth, their whole lives. That’s nice…right? F no; it makes it that much more confusing, trying to determine which way you lean; are you just affectionate and effeminate in general? Or do you actually have feels for that other guy, you can’t stop being cutesy towards. In most places; you figure it out relatively quickly, even if you’re not out. It’s a little trickier in places like East Asia, where even boys are encouraged to gush over male idols, or handsome jocks.
Not even going into the human rights violations against transgender persons, but I’ve written on it, here before.
Half of the guys I’ve dated, have been Asian, either first gen AAPI or from East Asian countries. (I grew up in an East Asian community, still live in one, it’s not a fet or something. I myself am not exactly white btw) I bring this up, because (1) this story is about East Asian gay guys and (2) they are significantly unique in their experiences, compared to Westerners. My experiences as a white passing American, are inherently different. Yet, because I grew up within their homes, I had a personalized view. For one, theyre shamelessly and absurdly infantilized and emasculated, particularly by American society. Two; they are further shamelessly fetishisized, esspecially within the LGBTQIA+ community, if they ARE queer. They are very much aware of these facts, even if they aren’t queer. So aside from everyday stigmas (race and sexuality) they have culturally inherited homophobia, and their own separate set of obstacles, within the LGBTQIA+ community. I also grew up being moved from home to home; this one from China, this one from Korea, where no one would speak to me in English, so most people didn’t speak to me at all. Figuring out I was gay, was a very quiet and uneventful process. (I REALLY relate to Shizu.) The things I’ve learned have been baffling AND astonishing. The habits, ideas, perspectives of a queer man who is also Asian; are both poignant and heartbreaking. But very quiet and uneventfull. In eastern views, as well as western views, as I was uniquely exposed to both. By the time I dated a white American; it was a very strange experience, compared to what I was used to, because Asian men desidedly have them beat, in the masculinity department. Being queer is an unannounced, singular part of one’s life. The white boys had not gone through nearly as much internalized self awareness, which in turn had the Asian boys coming out stronger and more quietly self assured. The norm in most places is; you question, so you jump on social media. You find a ton of “support” and “encouragement”; affirm your suspicions and change your icon to reflect where you feel you fall on the rainbow. You have so many people to turn to, for understanding your identity, lots of troll fests to get amped up in, terminology to familiarize yourself with. An educational experience. Asian men do not really do this, the same way.
What non queer persons don’t realize (not shaming; they really have nothing to base it on) all of this isn’t productively real. Outwardly; you have this family you’ve found. You have an inclusive group at school, or in your neighborhood, or gay TikTok. But. They’re all trying to figure out their own way, too. They’re just as confused about how it all works, as you are. Those basic cornerstones of coming into yourself, are extremely daunting anyways, and now you find you’re not fitting the mould. Your opportunities for NORMAL (meaning every human) growth are slim and even stunted. By stunted, I mean; how many queer people experience importer syndrome, suicidal thoughts, practice unsafe sex just to have some kind of intimacy cuz you’re fn lonely. I mean even certified resources talk about the joys of safe cruising. Why the f do we need cruising, its 2022! You go on to find more serious questions, usually about being sexually active; are given only clinical, sterilized, or even vague (yet glowy) answers. ESSPECIALLY concerning bottom experiences. Or poor guys trying to wrap their heads around all the cute aggression they’ve been having. No one wants to be the one who told you something wrong, or debatable, so no one gives you straight forward answers.
In Asian countries, or even but not so much, in Asian American communities; you don’t even have any of that. Of course you’re pretty, you dress sharp or cute, you have a hygene regimen that would put a Kardashian to shame, you’re soft spoken and gentle, you have effeminate mannerisms, a high voice and all the lovely stereotypes *gasp* you can pass as a girl if you feel like it. That’s great! You’re a well rounded young man and will make a loving husband for a lucky GIRL. No validation for queer identity. Because again, as opposed to western societal views; all of the above is kind of expected, in young men. It makes things even more confusing, if you actually DO have same sex attraction. Even MORE so if you are an ally. Because in their society; you don’t talk about sex, or intimacy, or your preferences, because you’re making yourself stand out, or making your views more important than those of who you’re talking to. Even non queer persons don’t want to burden their families or communities, with any concerns THEY personally have. It’s not that they don’t care; but the emmense sense of community above all, takes precedence over concerns of sexuality, mental health, emotional well-being, gender or sexual expression and even really important topics like consent, suicide, or gender equality.
Non queer persons globally (again: with respect and love) have everyone, and all of society, and their spiritual leaders, and councelors, and community leaders, and their aunt Joan too; to ask questions about love and life and relationships and even sexual health. Its just every day subconscious knowledge, for them.This is sooo difficult to even get allies to notice. Queers on the other hand, no matter how forward facing we perceive ourselves to be; still tediously gauge wether or not, we can even talk to our friends and family, before we say anything. Not coming out necessarily; but those normal questions about life and love. I mean, how many times do you pause before you say “my husband/boyfriend” even if you are out and know that person knows this. (I’m not getting into gender or terminology inclusion topics, which I’m very positive and passionate about btw, this is already a long post) Or you wanna talk about something bothering you in your relationship, like asking a friend if you think so and so is into you, or is this relationship issue normal.. but you stop and ask yourself first; is this person im asking, going to be uncomfortable. Eventhough its a basic everyday conversation. Just because I’m talking about another guy. Then the rabbit hole… Are they fetishisizing in their head right now. Are they trying to picture who does what.. ? And next thing you know, your in a whole other level of feeling like an exhibit on display. Not a friend asking a friend for advice. This isn’t just with non queer friends, that you’re talking to, either. The toxic ideas of roles and expression and masculinity, are just as bad within the community. But non queer people don’t have these added issues.
Again not us vs them; non queer people just don’t have to worry about any of this. Example; and this one always seems to floor people: Simply walking into a room, as a single; and knowing they can choose from half of it, as potentially romantic partners. That doesn’t even cross their minds, it’s just normal societal experiences. Queer persons on the other hand; are lucky if there’s one person, in that room. Even then, what are THEIR views. Say this queer person is trans, or are they hyper masc, or are they hyper feminine, and how does the one other person, who’s also queer in the group, perceive these things. Because there’s a lot of toxic uninclusive views, in the GBTmasc playingfield. Not to mention all the normal; are you single too, are we even attracted to eachother, do we even get along. Now what if you’re just looking for a friend, or a shoulder to cry on. Yeah, not a lot of irl opportunities.
Enter Hiiragi, from Given; why does he need to be forgiven? He actually needs to forgive himself.
What if you actually have something incredibly serious, you need help with, like idk I think my friend’s bf might be suicidal and I don’t know how to be there for either of them. Nine times out of ten, you would have to get past all the prefaced notions, before you could even start talking about the actual concern. Like yeah I said “he” twice, yes they are both guys, yes they’re gay and what the hell does it matter if their parents know, did you not hear me? I think my friend is suicidal!! *crickets* other person pauses, and then asks something like, yeah but are they out…? What the actual F ? does that really matter? You know what, nevermind. (Actual convo teen me had) And this is with non queer AND queer persons, your trying to talk to. More than one! Friend tries to kill self, survives, is put in conversion therapy. Cuz ya know, it’s cuz they’re gay. Not cuz their parents are awful sheeple, or anything.
This is why we have the joke; yes we’re all gay. Cuz we do flock together when we find eachother, and even grow up together, because we sensed that otherness in one another, even if we didn’t know what it was at the time. Or didn’t have words for it. Or ever really talked to each other about it. Or even knew how we felt about it. And this is where Mafuyu, Yuki, Hiiragi, and Shizu are at, in the majority of Given.
All we want for queer perspective, is for our voices to be heard. Our contributions seen. Our presence acknowledged. Uneventfully. What I mean by that, is a promise of a future, where our experiences don’t have to be prefaced. Where a young person is free to decide how they express themselves inside and out, without being isolated on the fringes of conversations, and fed toxic stereotypes. All while being told we’ve been unabashedly included, because companies are selling rainbow print….we’ll know things have truly changed, when we can talk about our relationships, hopes, and everyday problems; when the fact that we’re queer is as equal to saying that we’re just a regular person. And our identities are part of being regular person. Even if that particular identity is vastly unique to what maybe you have experience with. We don’t usually have someone around that we can lean over to and be like ‘Hey, see that guy over there? Cute right!? Should I talk to him? OR 'Hey I’m having this thing with my person, and I don’t know if it’s ok how I feel about it. Have you any advise? How did you deal with [fight/self essteem/potential red flags/broaching moving in/talking marriage/relationship status]’ Even queer allies suddenly clam up. Wether it’s literally that they stop talking, or something shines in their eyes like fear, as they try to push through the conversation, and be caring and helpful. They can’t help it. For as much as queer relationships are the same as straight; there are so many things a non queer person might never even realise.
Media makes everything seem idk straight relationship parallel, when it’s not. Like just watching most people’s reactions to Stranger By The Shore..you know what im talking about, if you’re GBTmasc. If not let me explain; Shun is much older and larger than Mio, but the first time they sleep together, Mio tops. To GBTmascs watching the anime; it was a moment of quiet reflection and validation. Its not as happy a scene as it should be, for them. Since we’re talking acurrate depictions of gay boys in BL; there’s good reason as to why they have the dynamic they do, in that story. But we can’t explain the dynamics in our stories, when sex itself is always the draw. We understand the appeal of tropes and roles in BL, we understand how that works for non queer persons, who BL is marketed to. It isn’t real. (But I mean look who you’re talking to; I like to read about gay guys too) On top of that; non queer persons have been conditioned to equate queer identity as sexual identity, only. They say and believe they don’t, but it’s so ingrained in the straight normative perception of queer identity. Example: You’ve been conditioned to see a queer relationship conversation, as an inherently sexual conversation, eventhough you probably don’t consiously notice; instead of for what it is. Just a conversation about life milestones and LOVE. Same as anyone else’s.
But at the same time, I mean our sex lives IS what separates us, right? Riiiiight? That little detail, is infact what would be queer about us, right? Food for thought: Sexality is fluid. Gender is a social construct, designed to label the human experience for reproduction and status purposes only. Aren’t we capable of greater things? More meaning and purpose? I am being 100% serious when I say that, if it comes down to our sex lives; we are all (every single one of us) born just a little queer. Straight, cis, heteronormative is the uncommon state of being, in the context of nature. And it is taught to you in most cases, through societal nurture.
With anything in life that seems to marginalize, or claim to have authority over right and wrong…follow the money. No seriously. Who benefits from you being in line and arguing us vs them, or even how inclusive can you make terminology? I know I don’t fit. I’m small, often mistaken for a woman, don’t mind that I’m mistaken for a woman, but I’m not a queen. I am male. I like feminine looking/masculinely aggressive males, I like being the one pursued, but I’m usually the dominant person in the rest of the dynamic. Hi Aries, Scorpio, and Leo I’m waving at you ;) I like being spoilt. My hair grows insanely fast, so I wear my hair long (like down my back) sometimes. I own make up, no I don’t do drag. Im not the [girl] and neither is he but I am the romantic, nurturing partner, my love language is acts of service. I confuse the stereotype.
Actually I’m coming to terms lately with the fact that I may be a queen…queen is not the same as “Drag” queen. Hiiragi is a queen, Ugetsu is queen status. I’m what we call “baby”. No it’s not an age thing; it’s like soft or “comfy boy”. Mafuyu would be baby, Haruki is kinda baby, but he’s more neutral. (There is also “baby” in regards to coming into gay male sexuality ie Ritsuka is baby gay, Hiiragi is baby queen.) I think Hiiragi rubs fans the wrong way, regardless of the story, because they just aren’t used to seeing a queen portrayed accurately and not as a stereotype, so they don’t know what to make of him. Same with why some readers portray Haruki as a pushover. These kinds of guys don’t fit neatly into a caricature, and Kizu is actually writing them realisticlly.
I also think women should be in charge of everything. Women are way more inclusive, thoughtful, and attentive than we are. They’re also stronger in all aspects of life. No other gay men are really more belittled by other men than queens, or fem nb and fem trans men are. Esspecially whenever they do exert their masculinity; I’m sure you can imagine why. It’s like the internal misandry and loathing insecure men have of their own perceived weaknesses or femininity, are transferred in the same way misogyny is towards women. The way Akihiko treated Haruki, is pretty common irl, unfortunately.
One easily overlooked point in Given, I’ve found through the eyes of non queer readers, that shows the difference in our experiences; is that none of the characters, except Ritsuka, are closeted.
I adore the fact that Kizu put such subtle crafting, into showing us these characters, after they already know they’re not straight. Only Ritsuka, who is the main focus of the synopsis; is questioning, when we meet him. Even Haruki is out, and their moments are more about crushing, and coming to terms with their LEVEL of queerness. Hiiragi, if you noticed; never told the audience he was coming to grips with his sexuality; but with the fact that he realized his attraction was to his best friend. This has always been a topic Kizu has worked with, and is a big part of Given. It’s not that they’re falling in love with other guys; it’s that those guys happen to be their closest friends, and how does that change their dynamic. What boundaries are placed, which are broken, how does behavior change, or perceived notions of one another.
Shizu wasn’t quiet about his reciprocal feelings because of out status; it was about not wanting to uproot the already strong bond and opportunities they had with Hiiragi’s career goals. That’s what he means by not “suffering” when he’s talking to Ritsuka. Neither Hiiragi, nor Shizu appreciate Ritsuka’s gay panics, and a queer person picks up on this, while a non queer person may only see the comedy of his melt downs. But it’s actually really disrespectful to Mafuyu, who they’re very protective of. Shizu is not understanding or empathetic, to Ristuka’s closeted behaviors OR trying to decide which is more important to prioritize; bands or relationships. He explains to him the feelings Ristuka is experiencing, are alien to him. Being gay was never a concern to him, ie no “suffering” there. He fully owns his sexuality and doesn’t skip a beat, as Ristuka is having a heart attack in the middle of the crosswalk, hearing him just openly state [why yes I’m gay and yes I love Hiiragi] Not distracting his best friend from his dreams was the real obstacle, if they were going to open up to one another romantically; so he continues to try to express to Ritsuka, that Mafuyu is concerned he distracts him. Leading to him feeling like its better if he’s left behind.. Which is a problem he and Hiiragi don’t have, not because they’re a stronger couple, but because their dynamic is different. Ristuka doesnt get it. Eventhough this is a relationship issue, not a queer identity issue; most of the non queer readers as well, dont really seem to see what he was getting at. (Ive asked across multiple platforms) which says a lot about how we experience things differently. This is what he’s trying to say to both Mafuyu and Ritsuka, when he tells Mafuyu to just stop, if Given is too much for him emotionally. He knows, and Mafuyu knows; he is both encouraging and distracting Ristuka from his passions. Thus was the tension with him and Yuki. Thus was the tension with Akihiko and Ugetsu. The synopsis tells us the story is about Ritsuka’s passion for music; not Mafuyu’s. Then Shizu tries to broach the same concern for Mafuyu’s wellbeing to Ritsuka, but stops when he begins to get irritated with Ritsuka’s gay panicking. He is concerned for both of them; Mafuyu being emotionally supported, and Ristuka’s goals with music.
Music for Mafuyu, was about grieving, and his healing process. He may not want, or need to revist processing his emotions this way. This is unfortunately, something that was done so beautifully; readers don’t want to not go back to it. Ritsuka on the other hand, lives and breathes music; he can’t keep from internalizing his feelings, and making everything about music. Mafuyu is more mature, and has more life experience; he sees that they need to have a some kind of relationship outside of music. Being one of the best depictions of a Pisces; he shuts down when he tries to express this. It’s too important to him, to just blurt it out, and it be taken the wrong way. As Hiiragi and Shizu both tried to explain to Ritsuka in ch32; pg10:
Ristuka asks Hiiragi and Shizu their opinion on Mafuyu being emo; not hanging out, not answering about a Given debut, thoughts on SYH (specifically Given debut, this is right after Mafuyu was ignoring him.)
Hiiragi: He’s always been the type to take a long time to think.
Shizu: He won’t give in once he’s made up his mind. Make no mistake, he’ll stay silent until he’s decided on a reply.
Shizu’s remark about 'won’t give in’ is to not answer at all.
Side note: Leos love giving silent treatments, and Pisces loves watching them break, cuz we do it right back, if its something important to us, we need them to understand. This is typical Pisces behavior, particularly with fire signs. We do exceptionally well with Taurus and Scorpio, because they just get us, and give exactly those kinds of answers, above. Taurus nurtures Pisces and Scorpio protects them.
Our stories, queer stories; as of this time and place, are often dark, and full of confusion. If not just token and queerbaiting. Everyone has an opinion..and it’s not how media makes it out to be; queer narratives aren’t all tragic OR triumphant. Yet it’s not a rainbow sprinkle party either. We would make it that way though, if the world would let us. Who the hell knows, why we like fem things, why shouldn’t we? Who says it’s fem? Maybe it’s that we grow up having to check ourselves to make everything copacetic, that we need to heal our inner children with things that induce dopamine? Just sayin. We don’t have the privileges of recognizing ourselves in 90% of the room, like non queer people have. We get drawn into gayTok and what media wants us to believe. Who we are; categorized, labeled neatly.
Writing is my way of giving something pure and beautiful to the world; to better our love and understanding of eachother. Maybe someone might read something I wrote, intitially because they find queer stories, boys in love with boys, or boys being cute; to be endearing, but suddenly realise that our IRL community is not something mythical. We are present, and if you want our stories; we can tell you with honesty, they come with equal amounts of trauma, as they do liberation, AND normal life lessons. I think this is why so many non queer readers gravitate towards our stories. Yeah there’s the whole self insert with [female] audiences and BL, but I think it’s an internal desire to see something tangible, that helps one discover their own traumas and otherness, without being gaslit and told get over it. Ie disabilities, disadvantages, inequality in race, gender, and wealth etc.
The complacency with misrepresentation in queer depictions, is fueled by the bitter taste of hearing people complain or comment about something they don’t even understand. They don’t have a way to; they see themselves in everything, as everything is portrayed as straight normative. Even QUEER stories.. Yet they’re beginning to see that normative is pretty uninclusive to issues they DO have, like social inequalities. BUT they’re not thinking out side the stereotypes, just yet.
For young [female] readers of BL; they can relate to being head over heels with a boy in class, and being afraid everyone will find out because (self insert as another boy) feeling insecure, is a normal growing pain for most HUMANS irl. The self insert serves to help you identify your self image of what you want, how you want to be seen, and what your boundaries are. But irl girl X boy; crushing and insecurities are portrayed as you’re over dramatic, gas lit as just having teen [girl] probs, and should just get over it. Yet it IS valid. It’s a part of growing up, and finding your romance language. But you’re not given the whole story. The real story. You read BL or a fanfic about boys in love, and it’s always about them coming out, dealing with insecurities, painting the pair as tragic. Or a running joke. Or an insufferable queen, who’s trying to back stab everyone and undermine the hero’s plotline.
Never the irl isolation, never as beautifully human in their self righteous faults. Like, not speaking up for eachother. And not knowing how to be there for eachother, and NOT being tragic, but regular guys, who love other guys, and the affection and love in platonic friendships. If one did read it open heartedly, they should be uncomfortable. Because they should notice how this isn’t ever portrayed media, even though it’s realistic. To know what it’s like to look around for a guiding hand, and there never be anyone there. To love someone so asuredly, yet already have convinced yourself; they’re nothing like you. And couldn’t love you. Wether it’s that they’re not queer aswell, or they just don’t have the same views/preferences. (Im looking at cis queers who can’t see non cis queers romantically.) To choke down how thankless your love is, as a young queer male. Esspecially strong feminine males, in western society.
We have wisdom, non queers you can embrace vicariously, and it’s free. We already paid for it. Why did Hiiragi want to be forgiven? What could he have possibly done that was in need of forgiveness?
Hiiragi already knew he’s gay. Mafuyu knew he’s gay. They both know the other was gay. This doesn’t have to be spelled out; it’s pretty straightforward, in the story. He needs to be forgiven, because he never offered a hand or an ear or a shoulder. That’s it. Saying he wants to be forgiven by anyone, but that he really wants to be forgiven Mafuyu himself; should be one of the most powerful lines you read in Given. He wasn’t able to be there, for EITHER of them, and one of them died. Of course it’s not his fault. Of course Yuki didn’t necessarily commit suicide because of his queerness or even anything to do with his relationship with Mafuyu (that thought blows people’s minds) but either way, we know Hiiragi felt the need to be there for them, esspecially Mafuyu. When they both removed that possibility from him, Shizu describes Hiiragi as beside himself with regrets. He even describes how, at times Hiiragi was closer to Yuki, than even he or Mafuyu were. (Kizu has him later clear up that he meant this platonically) So Hiiragi, outside of queerness, lost a confidant and a close friend, when Yuki died. Then he lost Mafuyu, because his own need to grieve privately. But for a queer group of friends; you can’t help but feel like your queer identities had something to play in it. Because of stigma, and again; not having mentors to turn to.
Remember, Hiiragi is telling us most of everything we know, other than what Ristuka or AkiHaru tells us. And they had only just met Mafuyu; they never knew Yuki or Shiiragi. They only just really found out about Yuki, at all, halfway through the manga. It’s easy for the reader to get so into one couple or one character’s development, that we forget this. Apparently the live action stage production straight up had Hiiragi narrate a lot of the story; emphasizing this. Much of Given, is Hiiragi’s perspective, esspecially where foundation back story is concerned. Hiiragi and Shizu know all about Mafuyu, Yuki, and Mafuyu’s descent as the fallen “princess” archetype. “Her” whole world taken from “her”. They also know through Mafuyu, the whole rest of the cast of characters he now resides with. And they will see him to a new life, safe and well. Their whole purpose is to deliver the hero’s journey and Mafuyu’s rebirth, to the audience from an inside perspective.
Hiiragi was the one who would try to bring Mafuyu into the fold, and when he wouldn’t come to the door; he was the one who went and got Yuki, and brought Yuki to HIM. He did the same with Shizu. He recognized the same otherness between Mafuyu and Yuki, that he knew in himself. Irl this is not just the basic need for validation and understanding,, but the need for confidants, mentors, and companions. But readers fail him for that, because of stereotypes they’ve been lied to about, to sell rom coms and drama. He never sought after Yuki in the way so many readers think they pick up on and continue to carry like a battle flag; because of queer formulas they’ve been convinced of. Or that an evil side character is casing someone’s man ie the ridiculous idea Hiiragi is trying to steal Ritsuka from Given/Mafuyu. Cue awful stereotypes of emotionally aggressive, feminine men ie insufferable queen, who’s trying to back stab everyone and undermine the hero’s plotline. It’s not like Kizu didn’t put these panels in early on. It’s not like they weren’t trying to tell us this is a different story.
Ironically; Hiiragi’s character represents these stereotypes. Kizu breaks them through him,, and presents to the reader; the real queer narrative of youth, in that he didn’t believe he could ever express or experience love the way he felt it, because Mafuyu and Yuki made it look so easy and fearless. Like the side of Hiiragi remembering Mafuyu giving Yuki like a whole damn orange, and complaining to Shizu, that Mafuyu never loves him. Meanwhile Shizu is falling asleep and passing a whole grip of orange slices to Hiiragi. The idea is that Mafuyu had a different kind of love for Yuki, just as Shizu does for Hiiragi, and it has nothing to do with Hiiragi’s feelings towards Mafuyu or Yuki; it’s brilliantly about Shizu’s feelings for Hiiragi.
So many readers want to believe his desire for forgiveness from Mafuyu specifically, must mean he deliberately wronged him in some way. Because they’re searching for a BL formula that would fit the type casts they’re familiar with. Rather than reading it for the queer irl experiences the story is literally about.. Young men arriving to the understanding that they have few mentors to lean on. Seeing the same otherness in each other, and still not respecting the understanding that they could offer the other. Hiiragi’s constantly saying how much he doesn’t want Mafuyu to hate him, how he loves him, regrets that he wasn’t there for him. But he doesn’t talk to him about Yuki’s song or Ritsuka’s involvement. He “wants to be forgiven” because he knew he COULD have been there for Mafuyu AND Yuki too, but he didn’t know how. He didn’t have the language, back then. Just like Ritsuka doesn’t, now.
Perhaps….just a thought…perhaps taking Ritsuka into his success with music, and giving him Yuki’s song….is being there for another gay boy trying to figure out how relationships work……
Hiiragi needs to forgive himself. He doesn’t know that though.
Readers don’t think about that, because that would break the formula people are comfortable with, because they’re not ready to hear how isolated we are, when we’re they’re age. Unless it’s the [pretty and gay so character must die] trope, as with Yuki. I honestly have always felt, this was tongue and cheek; why Kizu started the story off that way. Ritsuka AT THIS POINT doesn’t need guys in their twenties, who are already jaded and finding their way back, themselves; to give him advise. He needs boys his age. He needs other guys who aren’t questioning or still fighting the is it right or wrong banter. He needs guys who fully own their sexuality and have experience to pull advise from. Shizu is reserved and blunt, and clearly experinced. Hiiragi is dramatic and stubbornly sticks to his principles, and baby like Ritsuka. They’re perfect for where Ritsuka is right now, if he were real. He already sees their relationship, in his flashbacks; as something idealistic and flourishing. He looks back to Shizu adoringly taking Hiiragi’s hand, as Hiiragi is glowing like an angelic icon. Kizu even made a blurb about how they had to push to put that panel in, and purposely made it a full page. Hiiragi is portrayed as very pretty, and fashionable, and sought-after. Ritsuka reacts to Shizu, the way he reacts to Akihiko; he’s masculine and a little intimidating, and has a commanding presence that sometimes puts people on edge. So much so; Ritsuka was shocked when he realized he was gay, just like with Akihiko. Yet here is this couple breaking stereotypes, and Hiiragi is dominant and in charge of their dynamic AND finances. So people look for the formula, that isn’t there, and create a feminized villain scenario for him. Which ironically trashes the majority readers themselves.
One day; well get to where we don’t need to give Hiiragi a break, to begin with, because (1) we’ll see right off a boy who didn’t understand his own feelings and felt helpless to be there for another, because of that and (2) that sense of isolation, not understanding your feelings, because you don’t see yourself in 90% of the room; won’t even be a thing anymore. Because boys will love who ever they want without question…like the boy sitting right next to him, who loves him already, but also doesn’t have the words.
Thank you for reading 8 hrs of pouring my heart out, if you made it this far ❤
I came across a youtube video a couple of days back of a young girls talking about valuing your existence. What she said was so empowering…
1. Do not always apolozise for who you are, how you look , how you dressed up eg. Women have a habit of always apolozising like ‘o sorry, i didnot dress well actually i did not know you were coming.’ Its okay how you dressed up , what you wore. That defines you and instead of saying sorry. U can add 'I didnot know you were coming, thanks for understanding.’
2. You didnot reply to your friend’s message due to any of the circumstances. Stop saying sorry and compensating like, ’ I’m so sorry. Actually i was busy . I didnot see your text.’ instead you can add ’ Hey, I was busy somewhere and saw your message now. Thanks for understanding, wanna chat.’
We tend to say so much of sorry because women are raised this way to be always humble and not to raise voice. Then another reason comes when we want praise from others so that others should like us and this only happens when we lack self love and are insecure about ourselves.
Master the skills of when to say sorry and when not to.
