Words of Resolution

Sirius Black x James Potter x Remus Lupin x Fem! Reader (Lily makes a cameo)

Warnings:Poly! relationship. Language. Injury. Mentions of violence. 

A/N: This is a part two to this fic ! 

Word Count: 6.0k (It’s long - I’m sorry)

“Do you think she’ll forgive us?”

Sirius and James had shuffled behind Professor McGonagall across the castle to Dumbledore’s office. They had hung their heads low, and kept their eyes on their shoes to avoid getting a sense of what kind of trouble they were in. Based on the way McGonagall had spoken to them, and the way she had practically dragged them out of The Great Hall by their collars – they already had a pretty good idea. Professor Slughorn had assisted in getting Sirius’ victim up to the hospital wing to see Madam Pomfrey, because the boy could hardly even stand on his own two feet. 

McGonagall sat Sirius and James down in Dumbledore’s office, threatening them with an even heavier punishment if they tried to escape before Dumbledore could get there. James and Sirius sat in silence while they waited. The incident replayed over and over in their minds as their adrenaline and initial fury began to fizzle out. The longer they sat and pondered, the more worried they became. The punishment that was inevitably coming was nothing compared to the guilt that they felt. The nauseating remorse was punishment enough for what they had done. No, they weren’t guilty for what they had done – rather they were guilty for the effects of what they had done. 

Specifically, how it had affected you.

“Did you see the look on her face?” Sirius asked quietly to his friend that was sitting right next to him.

Sirius was beginning to feel really terrible. The stinging pain in his battered nose was nothing compared to the ache of culpability that he felt in his chest. He knew that he had messed up. He had messed up really, really bad.

“Yeah….” James replied simply. “I didn’t mean to upset her.”

James was disappointed in himself. James knew that he could be hotheaded. James knew that Sirius could be that way too. When both of them got revved up and angry at the same time, in most cases, James was usually more likely to calm down before things escalated – and most times Sirius could calm down too as long as James didn’t completely let his emotions bubble over. James had let himself get out of control, and part of him thought that he could’ve aided the situation if he had kept his composure.

“Me either. If that fucking bastard had kept his mouth shut then I wouldn’t have even….” Sirius trailed off from his original thought, because he knew that making excuses wouldn’t help his case. “This is my fault, Prongs. I knew better than to let it get to me like that. I didn’t mean to get you involved.”

James shook his head, cradling and gingerly massaging at the soreness in his knuckles. His hands were mild compared to Sirius – his hands were torn, shredded, and busted to hell. 

“You’re not responsible for the way I reacted. My actions were on me,” James dismissed. “It’s times like this that remind me how much better Remus handles stuff.”

Sirius and James shared a light chuckle, a laugh that was more for breaking the tension more than anything else. Their amusement didn’t last long, because the moment that Dumbledore’s entrance was made, they were right back to cowering in their seats.

As predicted, James and Sirius were seriously scolded for what happened – although, Dumbledore’s discipline was much mellower than Professor McGonagall’s. Dumbledore had cut them some slack before, but those instances had always been much less severe. It seemed that Sirius Black and James Potter’s luck had finally run out, because they were sentenced to Friday afternoon/evening detention for the rest of the term as well as hand-written, lengthy apologies. Despite the grueling tedious and two and a half month punishment, the boys had honestly been expecting much worse. To be honest, James and Sirius were notorious for being able to get out of pre-established sentences, so they didn’t sweat it much. Besides, the punishment was the absolute last of their worries.

They left Dumbledore’s office in a hurry, hardly seeing the need to stick around for any longer than necessary. It was fairly late by the time they were finished, nearing around 9’o o'clock or so. The Great Hall was long cleared out, and mostly all of the students had returned to their House towers for the evening. There were a few stragglers here and there as the boys traversed the corridors together to get back to their dorm, but none of them were anyone they were interested in seeing.

“How’s your hand, mate?” James questioned when he noticed that Sirius was cradling his hand that had taken more damage than the other. “We can swing by Pomfrey’s if-”

“No. I can get fixed up in the morning,” Sirius denied. “I want to talk to her first.”

Sirius was determined to get this resolved before it had time to sit too long. Sirius was beginning to think that his whole “do now, ask for forgiveness later” motto might’ve been in poor taste. He needed to explain himself before you had enough time to think on it to get the wrong idea. 

Sirius was taking this harder than James was. It was understandable, considering that Sirius had started it. Sirius genuinely and truly had been working on himself. Sirius had been trying to understand his emotions and his short temper better. He had been trying to practice patience and improve his communication skills. In the last few years, Sirius had learned and saw firsthand how his ego could hurt those around him. For the most part, Sirius had improved on all cylinders – but every now and then, he’d slip up far worse than anything he had ever done previously. 

Sirius could only imagine you right now. Sirius had undoubtedly made a horrible day even worse. He saw you reduced to a puddle of tears and a chorus of sobs, clinging to Remus for consolation – wailing and blubbering about how much you hated Sirius for being so quick to react in unacceptable ways. That thought alone caused a hot rise in Sirius’ throat. He’d never be able to forgive himself if he was the reason that you ever came to detest him or either of the other two. 

It frightened him as well, because that part of himself was something that was hard for him to control.

“Are you sure? To be honest, you really look like shit.” James asked again, continuing to walk alongside Sirius. 

Sirius didn’t even have a snarky remark for that. If Sirius looked even an ounce as he felt, then he was sure that James’ statement was true. A bloodied nose and battered face and hands wasn’t a good look for Sirius – no matter how good the glory of a violent victory felt. 

“I’m sure. I’ll deal with it later.” Sirius confirmed, and James didn’t ask again. 

By the time they reached the dorm, anxiety had done its job of making them both a spiral of nerves. James felt like he was going to be sick, because he truthfully didn’t have even an inkling of what he was going to say. What could either of them say? They had shown a less than pleasant performance, and had gone against your wishes in a way that was far worse than anything you could’ve imagined. They had messed up, and they knew it. 

Sirius and James were slow as they entered, peeking their heads around the door rather than entering fully. Sirius’ mental image wasn’t met when they caught the first glance of the inside of their dorm. You weren’t wrapped around Remus in a desperate manner. There were no sounds of crying or obvious upset. The only inhabitant of the room was Remus, who was standing at the circular mirror on the wall. He examined his face, peering at his right cheek that had been struck from a stray punch during the scuffle. Compared to Sirius, it was nothing more than a scratch.

“Where is she?” James asked, not wasting any time getting to the point. 

Remus sighed, shaking his head and turning from the wall to look at them.

“I don’t know.” Remus admitted.

Sirius’ stomach sank to his feet and bounced back up into his throat. If you weren’t here, then there was no telling where you had run off to.

“You don’t know?” Sirius questioned. “How do you not know where she is?”

“Well after you two decided to beat that guy to a pulp, I was pulled aside for questioning on your behalves….since McGonagall had you two tied up with Dumbledore, I had to do all the explanations everywhere else,” Remus revealed. “She was gone before I could go after her.” 

“Do you have any idea where she is?” Sirius asked next in hopes of Remus maybe having an idea of where you could’ve gone.

“She’s probably with Lily and Marlene. They went looking for her when I got caught up.” Remus answered, his arms crossing over his chest.

James piped up this time. His jitters were so strong that he couldn’t even stand still.

“They’re probably in their dormitory.” James announced, looking at Sirius as if to communicate with him that they needed to go.

Remus caught the look, and stopped them before either of them could even take a step. 

“I wouldn’t do that. She’s upset enough as it is. It might be best to let this sit until morning.” Remus advised, and Sirius disagreed.

“Remus, we can’t wait that long.” Sirius argued, his voice weighty and determined.

“Might I remind you that she is not happy with either of you right now,” Remus fired back. “Let it go for tonight. We’ll settle it in the morning.” 

Remus had a point, but they really wished that he had been wrong for once. If nothing else, it would give them a little more time to think about what they were going to say. 

“It’ll be fine, mate. Just give her some time,” Remus approached them, clapping his hands on each of their shoulders. “Come on. Go get yourselves cleaned up.”

James managed to get washed up much more quickly than Sirius. That wasn’t surprising, considering that Sirius had taken a worse beating than James had. James chatted and talked about anything that he could to anyone that was listening. James talked when he was nervous – the running of his mouth distracted him.  James was cleaned and fixed up in about ten minutes, and he looked significantly better. While he looked better, he surely didn’t feel any better. He crawled into his bed once he was washed up, preparing for a sleepless night and several hours of tossing and turning. James could never sleep when he had an anxious mind, and it happened more often than most people would’ve thought.

Remus had gone to bed shortly after James, leaving Sirius to his lonesome to tend to his injuries. Sirius stood at the sink in the washroom, looking at himself in the mirror as he carefully wiped at the dried blood under his nose and around his mouth. As the blood remoistened, it dripped down his chin and soaked into the rag that he was using to get clean. He rinsed the rag out into the sink, watching the pink-stained water flood down the drain in almost an instant. His knuckles hurt the most, and his eyes involuntarily filled with tears when he cleaned them under the stream of water. He winced a few times at the tender, stinging flesh on his upper lip that was painfully sensitive when he touched it. It probably needed stitches, but Sirius didn’t feel much like getting it taken care of. 

He couldn’t get you out of his head. Every passing thought was related to you. Your quiet plea to leave the situation alone replayed over and over in his head, like a record needle stuck on the same groove. He couldn’t get the image of your tearful eyes, the same ones that were usually so full of adoration and love, looking at him with horror and disappointment. That was the hardest part of this whole thing for him. He could get over you being mad or you being annoyed with him – those were things that he could come to terms with. But the thought of you being disappointed in him, the mere idea of you having any kind of displeasure for him absolutely killed him. He only had himself to blame for that, and blaming himself is exactly what he was doing.

He glared at his reflection that stared back at him. His swollen eye and busted lip were prevalent, and they were a sight to see. The throbbing in his eye and the heat coming off of it practically unnoticeable compared to the anger that he felt in his heart for himself. He found himself lost in his own eyes, drowning in the pools of gray that he was picking apart every aspect of. 

Sirius had messed up so many times, and each time felt worse than the last. He wanted to be a good person. He wanted to be the best man that he could be for you, the boys, and himself –  but it seemed that the more time that went by, the more that Sirius realized that he’d never be the man that he wanted to be. Sirius would admit that he regretted more of himself than he praised. 

It was moments like this that reminded Sirius Black of the hate that he harbored for himself. Sirius was critical of himself. He could easily write himself off and present himself as a “go with the flow” or a “it is what it is” kind of guy. For the most part, that was what he did. He had painted this picture of himself and constructed this facade for others to view him as confident and sure with everything. That was one of the endless things that he admired about you – you had always been able to see straight through his false image.

He didn’t see anything good when he looked deeper into himself. He saw a hateful, spiteful, and dishonorable man that wasn’t worth the time of day and that didn’t deserve the warm drink of your love that you overfilled his cup with over and over again. Sirius knew that he didn’t show it enough, and he knew damn well that he didn’t say it enough – you meant absolutely everything to him. Sirius couldn’t put it into words, and oftentimes he had a hard time revealing it in his actions. Sirius couldn’t understand how he could love someone so much when his heart was so full of resentment. And the part that he really didn’t understand was how someone with such a pure, loving heart such as you could even spare someone like him a passing glance. You shouldn’t have given him anything. Sirius found guilt within himself that you loved someone like him. You deserved someone better – someone who wasn’t like him.

You were every flower in a summer field on a hot July day. You were the peaceful rainbow after every raging rainstorm. You were the calculated answer to all of his burning questions. In a black night sky full of glittering, dancing stars – you were every single one. After all of Sirius’ wrongs that seemed to outweigh the rights, he hoped and he prayed that he would be even a single being in your universe. 

****

As predicted, neither James nor Sirius slept any real amount. They rolled and shifted in their beds all night trying to get comfortable enough to get some sleep – but they couldn’t find a position that slowed their racing minds. For a Saturday morning, they were up and going much earlier than usual. Sirius’ head perked up from his pillow when he heard James’ feet hit the floor, his good eye squinting to peer at him in the morning light. James noticed his stare, and grimaced at how Sirius’ appearance had changed overnight. His eye had swelled and turned a gnarly shade of black and blue, and his lip was red and irritated.

“Did you sleep?” James asked, his voice groggy with exhaustion.

“No.” Sirius replied as he watched James sluggishly pull a t-shirt over his shirtless frame.

“Me either,” James remarked. “Where’s Moony?”

Sirius’ sat up on his elbows to look over at Remus’ bed, and he was surprised to see that the bed was neatly made and arranged as it always was whenever he was out for the day. His Gryffindor robes were draped over his trunk that was stationed at the end of the bed, which was an indicator that he’d be back soon. 

“He probably went to get breakfast,” Sirius guessed, groaning at the screaming soreness in his muscles when he sat up completely. “I hurt so bad.”

“I don’t doubt it.” James came to the side of Sirius’ bed, offering a hand to get him on his feet. 

Truthfully, Sirius didn’t hurt as badly once he was up and moving around. He slowly dressed himself and was careful not to accidentally aggravate his hand or his face. He felt like he had been hit by a train, and he was sure that he didn’t look much better. James and Sirius dragged themselves silently around as they got ready, not bothering to look overly presentable for a regular Saturday. Their movements were laggy and tortuous as they maneuvered around, because they both hurt something awful. James was positioned on the end of his bed, his left foot cautiously propped on his right thigh as he tied the laces on his shoes. His mind hadn’t stopped reeling for well over twelve hours now, and the longer it went unresolved, the worse that it got. 

“Hey, Pads?” James called, only continuing once he had Sirius’ attention. “Do you think she’ll forgive us?”

Sirius didn’t have a chance to answer, and he was thankful that he didn’t have to. The door to their dormitory opened, and Remus entered with smuggled food balanced in his hands. He had wrapped up some easy breakfast to-go items for the other two, because he figured that they didn’t feel up to sitting down for a meal.

“Hey, Moony.” Sirius greeted casually.

“Hey. I brought you two some breakfast,” He announced, splitting the pile evenly between the two of them. “I figured you were hungry.” 

They were starving, considering their dinner was cut short the night before. James needed some nutritional energy to hopefully settle his nerves, his fingers working diligently to peel the skin off of the banana in his hand. As hungry as Sirius was, he was positive that he wouldn’t be able to hold anything down long enough to sustain him with any real nourishment. Sirius’ was visibly troubled as he looked at Remus with a look of expectation. Sirius had waited, and he had waited long enough.

“I talked to Lily,” Remus began. “She said that everything is fine.”

James spoke through bites of banana, his voice muffled as he made an attempt to talk.

“How is she?” James asked, referring to your current state.

“Lils said she’s on and off….and still not happy with any of us,” Remus recalled the information that Lily had shared with him. “But more so with you two.”

“What is she mad at you for?” Sirius’ question fell from his mouth before he had any real time to think about the answer. 

“I think she’s upset with all of us for getting involved one way or another,” Remus remarked, and it hurt his heart just as much as the other two to know you were dissatisfied with him. “Once you two finish eating we can go.”

James suddenly finished the last of his curved fruit in one big bite, forgetting about the rest of his wrapped goodies until later. 

“Let’s go now.” He gargled through chewing, tying his other shoe quickly and rising to his feet. 

Sirius wanted to get this over with. Not because he was dreading it or wanted to get it resolved the easiest, quickest way – but because he wasn’t sure how much longer he could handle the guilt. It was miserably slow as it ate away at him, and he needed to get his sincere apology heard. The boys regrouped with one another and left their dorm, preparing for whatever kind of reaction they were going to get from you. They were quiet as they walked down the boys’ staircase and up the girls’.. There really wasn’t much that could be said, because at this point it had all pretty much been said. Sirius let out a shuddering exhale when your door came into view as they turned a corner. Remus heard his noise of stress, and took a moment to reassure both him and James.

“Take it easy, mate,” Remus smiled at his two best pals. “It’ll all be fine.”

They sure hoped that Remus was right, because if it wasn’t going to be fine – then they had no idea what they were going to do.

Remus took the lead on this. His light knocks on the large wooden door were dulcet in an attempt to avoid making too much noise. It was still fairly early, and most of the inhabitants of the Gryffindor tower were still sleeping. The last thing Remus wanted was to wake anybody up and cause another kind of stir. 

James and Sirius shifted on their feet from where they stood behind Sirius. Their fidgeting from the heightened anxiety wasn’t even worth hiding, and hiding it honestly made it worse. Sirius’ heart skipped a couple of beats when the knob turned to open the door from the inside. Lily was the one who appeared in the now open doorway, her emerald eyes looking at the three of them standing together. Lily didn’t bother with a greeting, because none of them were there to see her. 

“She’s in bed. She won’t get up,” Lily stated, keeping her voice hushed. “Just….try not to upset her any more.” 

Lily was tired. She and Marlene had been up most of the night trying to console you the best that they could. With a little time and patience, they had managed to get you calmed down enough to get some sleep. They weren’t sure how restful it was, but at least it gave you some kind of break.

Remus nodded at her request, taking glacial steps inside when Lily stepped aside to allow them in. Marlene was gone for the morning, and Lily was going to follow suit once you were aware that they were there for you. You were curled up on your mattress, half underneath the sheets with your back towards the door. Lily moved to the side of the bed that you were facing, signaling for the boys to wait for a few moments.

“Hey….” Lily tilted her head as she looked down at you. “The boys are here.” 

Lily had honestly expected you to start crying again when your eyes flickered up to hers. They were glassed over with remnants of tears, but the tears didn’t fall. 

“They want to talk to you. Will you speak with them?” Lily questioned in her lightest, sweetest tone. Lily glanced up for a moment at Sirius, who was so pale that he looked ghostly. “I think Sirius could use a hug.”

James felt his halfway breakfast churning in his stomach. Now he had wished that he had decided to brave this on an empty stomach. When you sat up from your balled up position, they straightened up and stood a bit taller to look more confident in their presence. Lily smiled at you, and told you that she was going to be heading out for a little while. Once Lily was gone, it was just the four of you in the quiet room. They were frozen still until you looked over first. 

Your gaze landed on Sirius first, and you couldn’t help the look of shock and alarm on your expression at his tyrannized face and abused hands. You hadn’t expected him to look so bruised and roughed up.

“Hey there, bunny.” Remus said first, approaching you cautiously. 

He sat on the free space on the side of the bed, and Sirius and James didn’t know what to do other than to copy Remus’ motions.

“Hi, puppy.” Sirius greeted as neutrally as he could. 

He was nervous, and it was a visible tell. 

“Hey, angel.” James offered a small smile.

James was even more nervous, the slight shake in his hands giving it away. 

“Hi.” You squeaked, and all three of them immediately felt the tiniest bit of relief. 

This felt more standard. The three of them huddled around you in whatever open space they could get comfortable in on the small Hogwarts’ beds. The context of the conversation wasn’t ideal, but at least the familiarity of the positioning offered some delay in the tense atmosphere. The beats of silence that passed weren’t awkward, but rather hesitant. Everything that James and Sirius had come up with to say had vanished into the abyss of their subconscious. They were flying blind now, and whatever they were going to say was going to be whatever they could come up with. 

“You look tired.” You spoke feebly, looking at James with the intentions of your words.

James was the most tired of all three of the boys. You weren’t wrong that it showed on his face, and he hoped that this would be settled well enough so that he could sleep the rest of the day. 

“Oh, I’m a little tired,” James replied. “Just worried about you.”

The edge of the sheet over your lap was in your hands as you fiddled with it. The fact that all three of them were nervous on different levels made you nervous. Sirius was sitting at the foot of the bed, dragging his fingertips back and forth across the soft material of your blanket. He was doing it as a sensory distraction, and he hoped that it would relax him enough so that he could actually come up with something to say. 

“We’ve all been worried about you,” Remus added. “You were very upset last night.” 

There was a beat. A silence. And then a response.

“I asked you not to say anything.” You mumbled, toying with the sheet as you avoided any and all eye contact. 

None of them knew who exactly you were referring to, but the burning ditch that opened up in Sirius’ gut gave him a pretty good idea. Despite his initial aggravation, Remus knew that neither Sirius nor James had acted the way that they had with the intent of disquieting you. He knew his friends inside and out, and he knew how they felt about you. No price was too big for the sake of defending you. Remus was pretty sure that you knew that as well, but he also understood where you found discomfort with the fact that they had acted that way after you had asked them not to. 

“They were saying bad things about you, lovely. We couldn’t just let them say that.” James continued as charily as he possibly could. 

He wasn’t trying to argue. He just wanted to explain the situation as coherently as he could.

“I deserved it,” You replied back. “I was stupid during Potions yesterday.”

“You weren’t stupid, and that doesn’t excuse what he said, princess. Never, ever should anyone talk about you like that.” Remus backed James up.

Sirius was silent. There weren’t any words coming to or from his brain. He was so embarrassed and ashamed of himself that he didn’t even know how to articulate anything. All he could do was listen and watch the best that his frazzled mind possibly could. He was so indignant with himself and so dispirited that he didn’t blame you for not accepting his apology. 

“You didn’t have to be so….violent.” You muttered, and now the shared spotlight was shining on James and Sirius. 

Neither of them really had much of a good explanation for why that was their best resolution to the problem. They could go on about how they could be hot headed and short-tempered….but that wasn’t one of those arguments that would hold up very well. Sirius felt a fiery balloon swelling in his throat – when that balloon popped, the waterworks were going to come with it.

James was handling this much better than Sirius and Remus had expected. He was still very obviously nervous, but he was doing a nice job of communicating his thoughts and feelings. 

“I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone, my love….well, I was but it wasn’t for a reason that I didn’t find important to me,” James vindicated. “I care about you and I love you. At the time, that was how I wanted to handle it.”

You didn’t like that answer. The shake of your head and the abrupt sob that escaped your chest let James know that was not a response that you wanted to hear, even if it was the truth. The tears leaked from your eyes and spilled down your cheeks like raindrops racing on a clear glass window. 

“But I don’t want you to handle things like that!” You wailed. “I don’t want you to get in trouble because of me and I don’t want you to hurt anyone!”

James felt a pang of remorse for setting you off again, but if it meant getting his point and apology across – then he supposed it was best. Remus noticed something odd in this quick couple of passing seconds. Your tears were notably genuine and you were clearly distressed….but your tears and your reaction seemed to be more of a panic response than anything else.

“Take a breath, bunny. He’s not trying to upset you,” Remus mediated, moving to sit behind you so you could cuddle up against him. Remus rocked you in response to your choked up cries. “What about this has you shaken up so badly?”

“It-It’s just….I didn’t-” You hiccuped. “Sirius was just so mean.”

The balloon in Sirius’ throat exploded at those words. The tears pooled in his eyes and it took everything he had to hold them back. Remus and James felt sympathetic for Sirius, because they knew that what you had said didn’t help how hard he was undoubtedly being on himself. Sirius’ lips parted as if he was going to say something, but the words still didn’t come. Sirius’ lower lip wobbled as he strained to keep the flooding tears from making their escape. There probably wasn’t anything that he could say to make you think of him the same way again. 

“I think you’re being a little unfair to Pads, bunny.” Remus admitted.

“He feels really, really bad about all of this.” James piped up.

Remus used his sleeve to wipe away your tears, hoping it would help compose yourself better.

“I was so scared that he was going to get hurt and then it’d be my fault,” You blubbered on. “I didn’t want Siri to get hurt.”

Even after all of this, Sirius’ wellbeing had been the root of most of your concern. Sirius felt like such a jerk. He had done just about everything you had asked him not to do and you still were more worried about him. This was one of those things that Sirius knew to be true about how you felt about him. 

Remus cast Sirius a glance, and it stung his heart to see one of his best pals nearly reduced to tears. Sirius didn’t get worked up in this kind of way often – and it took a lot to get him so rattled. 

“Siri isn’t badly hurt, darling. And Siri and Jamesie both love you very much,” Remus professed you. “I know that it wasn’t the best decision, but it only happened because we all love you.” 

“We love you so very much. It won’t happen again.” James assured you. 

Sirius needed to speak. He used whatever brain power he had left to come up with something. A phrase, a word, a noise, absolutely anything that he could. He didn’t care what he came up with, just as long as he didn’t let this moment get away without him asking for forgiveness. If he had to fall to his knees and bawl into your lap and gasp for air between every snivel to show his remorse then so be it. 

But that didn’t happen. His shoulder began to quake with the vibrating weep that was so close to expelling from his chest. It wasn’t until your eyes met his, the same dazzling ones that he found so much faith and comfort in, that he let it all go.

“I’m sorry.” Sirius cracked, and he couldn’t hold back his tears anymore. 

It felt like such a sore apology. After all he had done and said to lead up to this point, “I’m sorry” just didn’t seem that it was even nearly enough. There were millions of more things that he could’ve and probably should’ve said – but that two word infamous phrase was all he could murmur. But as always, you could see Sirius for who he really was. Now was not an exception to the way that you could flawlessly read Sirius without error or misunderstanding. Despite the simplicity of his words, you felt the weight behind them. You heard the sorrow and the contrition in his voice as he said it. You saw the pleading and the silent beg for forgiveness behind his pupils. Maybe on the surface it wasn’t much, and perhaps to anybody else it would’ve been a shitty apology.

But to you, it was a sincere, love wrapped Sirius Black apology.

You sniffed when you crawled away from Remus, maneuvering the short distance between you. Sirius was stunned at first when you wrapped your limbs around him desperately, but he returned it with grace and another sob of contentedness. Sirius buried his nose into your hair, not caring that it irritated and hurt the tender area. That hug was the best embrace that he had ever been given. It spoke so loud and had so many volumes. 

Remus and James shared an alleviating glance. The amnesty was a relief, and while there was some work to be done to get fully back to normal – it was a work that was unquestioned because of its rewarding nature. 

“I love you. So so so much.” Sirius cradled your face in his slender, torn hands.

“I love you, Siri.” You replied, turning somewhat to address the other two. “Remy and Jamesie too.”

With that, the four of you fell into a big cuddle pile as the three of them peppered you with kisses and showered you with affection. There was a peaceful, serene vibe in the air – one that was much more welcomed than the tense one from before. Again, there was some progress to be made and some more conversations to be had, but for now the biggest hurdle had been cleared with ease. It was a straight sprint the rest of the way, and with no obstacles in sight – the end goal seemed like a breeze.

This was a major development moment for the four of you. None of you were perfect, and sometimes it took the hard way to learn from each other’s mistakes. This was not a mistake that Sirius or James would make again, and that was a solid fact. 

Sirius and James had a basket of things to learn from this experience. It was a lesson learned and it motivated them to be much more cool and calm if something like this ever happened again. Once again, Sirius had been forgiven and given yet another chance.

Was it a chance that he deserved? He didn’t think so. However, it was one that he was grateful for nonetheless.

secrets i have held in my heart

pairing: sirius black x fem!reader

summary: when a slytherin classmate asks you out, you gladly accept. but why is sirius so upset about it?

warnings: angst + fluff

word count: 3.0k

note: not sure if the title makes sense but i was listening to i wanna be yours by arctic monkeys while writing this soo…. enjoyy

“who were you just talking to? seemed awfully friendly.”

a smile pulled at your lips as you approached your friends, grinning at lily’s question. “vincent richmond. he’s in our year.” you replied.

“who!?”

and that would be sirius black, who nearly spat out his juice at your mention of the boy’s name. “vincent richm-” you go to repeat but sirius interjects again. “no, i heard you. what i meant to say was.. why?”

you ignored sirius and turned back to lily, “as i was saying, he asked me to go to hogsmeade with him this weekend.” you tell her excitedly.

“he what!?”

“sirius please, i’m trying to have a conversation with lily.”

sirius shook his head, moving closer to you. “so what did he say when you rejected him?” he asked as he raised his eyebrows. you rolled your eyes as you let out a sigh. “i didn’t reject him.” his eyes grow wide, “you didn’t?” he almost whispers as if saying it too loud might get him in trouble.

“i didn’t.”

“why not?” his voice is much louder now. you look at him with disbelief and confusion. “why not? uhh i don’t know. maybe because he’s nice-”

“nice? he’s a slytherin! lily, tell her she can’t go on this date.” he looks over to your friend. she shrugs, “she can make her own decisions, sirius. in fact, i encourage it.”

sirius’ mouth opens in shock. “encourage it? why?”

“well, she’s been hung up on-” she’s cut off by a nudge. her eyes widen as she realized what she’s almost revealed. meeting your glare, she offers you an apologetic smile.

“i mean, you know, it’s just a date. let her have fun.” she awkwardly stumbles through her sentence, shamefully looking down to her food once she’s finished.

“homework!” you suddenly call out. “i forgot my potions essay in the dorm, i’ll go fetch it.” it wasn’t a lie, you really did forget, but thankfully it gave you the opportunity to leave the conversation and get away from sirius.

you couldn’t believe him. why was he so against you and vincent? it annoyed you to no end, or rather it confused you. but that seemed to be your friendship with him, confusing. sirius black was in possession of something very dangerous, charm. and unfortunately, you fell victim to it.

everyone knew he was a natural flirt. all he had to do was flash a cheeky smile and girls fell at his feet. and oh, how you tried not to fall for it, tried to resist. but the heart is a fickle thing, is it not?

but the risk of your friendship was too big. during your time at hogwarts, sirius had become a very good friend of yours. he was spontaneous, fun, but most of all loyal. you treasured the relationship you had with him, and not wanting to jeopardize it, you decide to keep your growing feelings for the boy to yourself. who even knows if he felt the same?

it was hard at first. so much so, that lily took notice how your gaze lingered on him, how you laughed a little louder at his jokes. once she confronted you, you knew you couldn’t keep it from her. however, telling her of your feelings had proved to be helpful. somehow getting everything off your chest aided you in getting over the long haired boy. although, not completely.

once you retrieved your homework, you quickly made haste so as not to miss your first class when you were stopped by sirius. “what?”

“are you really going to hogsmeade with richmond?”

you let out a sigh, running a hand through your hair. “i am.” sirius’ shoulders sag at your answer, head slowly hanging down. “but why?” you stayed silent for a moment, waiting until sirius meets your eyes once again. “because he asked me.”

“you can’t go out with him.” he insists to which you rolled your eyes. “why is that?” you challenged, crossing your arms over your chest as you stared him down. “b-because he’s a slytherin!”

“so?” you tilt your head at him. “so? so, he’s evil?” he exclaims. “evil? sirius, you don’t even know him.”

“neither do you!”

your hand comes up to your temple, rubbing it in frustration. “exactly, so i’m going on this date to decide for myself what kind of person he is.”

“but-”

“why are you against this? as my friend, i’d think you want me to be happy.”

sirius jaw clenches at your words, “is that what you think? i don’t want you to be happy?” you press your lips together as you shrug your shoulders, “i don’t what else to think, sirius!”

“i’m only acting this way because i want you to be happy; i’m looking out for you!”

“looking out for me? you haven’t given me a valid reason as to why i shouldn’t go out with vincent.”

“yes i have.”

“no, you’ve only shown your contempt for him about twenty times over.”

“i told you, he’s tricking you. he’s a snake.”

“because that’s the only reason someone would ever express interest in me. to make me the butt of some joke?”

sirius looks taken aback at your statement, “that is not at all what i said, you are not listening to me.”

“i think i’ve listened enough.” you huff. the tension is high, a few of your fellow students lingering in the hallway to listen in on the argument. the both of you are practically fuming with anger. “oh have you?” sirius snarks. you nod at him. he shakes his head, “you know, i’m only looking out for you,” his voice is stern. “i don’t want to see you get hurt.” he added.

“i can take care of myself.”

sirius nodded, lips pursed as he let out a sigh, “fine. but don’t come crying to me when it all goes to shit!” he called out before turning on his heel. “don’t worry, i won’t need to!” you yell at his retreating figure.

-

it’s hogsmeade weekend, which means it’s time for your date with vincent. you had been giddy about it all week, save for the spat you had with sirius. you haven’t spoken to him since, not that he made any effort either.

nonetheless you were gonna go on this date and you were gonna have a good time, regardless of what sirius thinks.

with the help of the girls, you picked out a great outfit and did your hair. after a small pep talk from your friends, you were off to hogsmeade. vincent told you he’d meet you at the three broomsticks and from then on you’d see where the day takes you. the girls sent you off while they went to honeydukes, wishing you good luck as they did so.

-

“she’s really going on the date.”

“sorry mate.” james comforted sirius as he laid on his bed, head buried in a pillow. the boys had decided to sit this hogsmeade weekend. mostly for sirius’ sake. he didn’t want to risk the chance of running into you, of running into you and vincent. “it’s just one date, pads. who knows what’ll come of it.” james continued. “but now she’s angry at me.” sirius groaned.

“i don’t blame her.” remus decides to speak up. sirius lifts his head from the pillow. “et tu, moony?”

“you were being a git. she’s right to be angry with you.”

“i was only trying to warn her- how could she go out with him?”

“well, i’m sure if you told her the actual reason you don’t want her going on this date, she wouldn’t currently be on the date.” remus pointed out, james nodding in agreement. “he’s right, pads.”

“oh, what do you know? you’ve been pining after lily for the past six years and she still won’t give you the time of day.”

“okay, i know you didn’t mean that. you’re hurt because the girl you’re in love with is currently on a date with someone else. so i forgive you. cheap shot, though.”

sirius gasps, “woah, woah. in love? i’m not in love with y/n.” he says, looking up to his friends who now have unamused looks on their faces. “i’m not! wormy, back me up here.” sirius urges peter, who looks away awkwardly, not saying anything. sirius mouth falls open. “really, wormtail?”

“it’s pretty obvious, padfoot.” peter spoke softly, james and remus both hum in agreement. “obvious to everyone but him. and y/n, apparently.” remus adds. sirius shakes his head.

“i’m not in love. she’s my friend and i want the best for her.” james goes to interject but sirius continues, “okay maybe i have a little crush, but can you blame me? she’s amazing. she’s so smart and brave. and funny. and i love spending time with her, it’s the best part of my day-”

james, remus and peter all share knowing glances as sirius rambles on, fighting off smiles when sirius gets up to pace around the room all the while still talking.

“.. her hair always sits so pretty and she smells amazing and it’s not that i don’t want her to date, i just don’t want her dating anyone but me-” sirius pauses in his rant and his pacing. his eyebrows furrow before his eyes widen as if he came to a realization.

“i’m in love with y/n.”

“finally!” the boys shout in unison at his revelation, getting up to pat him on the back. they celebrate for a bit before sirius freezes. “i have to stop that date.”

-

it had been thirty minutes and vincent still hasn’t shown up. you’d stood outside the three broomsticks for five minutes before deciding to go in to look for him. when he wasn’t inside, your mood started to deflate, but you decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. so you went back outside and kept on waiting.

while your patience was growing thin, your anger was getting stronger. you were ready to leave and look for your friends when you heard vincent’s voice.

“i told you!” as he came closer into view, you saw that he wasn’t alone. he was joined by a group of boys. and they were laughing, some were even pointing at you. furious, you stomp over to vincent.

“do you know how long i’ve been waiting?”

the smug look on his face doesn’t falter, “30 minutes? give or take?” he smirks at you and your face drops. “what?”

vincent let out a barking laugh, “oh, you didn’t actually think i was interested in you, did you?” your eyes widen in shock, unable to find the words. “oh you did, didn’t you? too bad.”

your fists clench at your side at the sound of his voice, his laughter, his friend’s laughter. “so what, this was all just some dumb joke?”

“a bet, dollface. i suppose i should thank you, i’m a few galleons richer because of you. pay up, fellas!”

“you’re awful.”

“good thing i don’t care.” his friends break out into laughter once more, oh the dreadful sound. you were about to storm off but not before reaching for your wand and casting a few jinx spells.

-

you were currently being comforted by lily and marlene. they’d found you in the common room, sobbing on the couch. you would have gone up to your dorms but since everyone was at hogsmeade you had settled for the common room.

your sobs have stopped by now, but tears still flowed freely down your cheeks. “i’m such an idiot.” you sniffled. “no, you’re not. he’s the idiot.” marlene assured, her hand comfortingly resting on your back. “she’s right. you are an amazing girl and he’s an absolute arse for doing that to you.” lily spoke.

“merlin, he was right.” you sighed, burying your face in your hands. lily and marlene share a confused look, “who? vincent.”

“no,” you groan, “sirius-”

frantic footsteps can be heard suddenly, interrupting you. they get louder and louder until they reach the common room. you freeze at the sound of his voice. all four of the marauders are now in the room. you quickly wipe away at your tears and attempt to regulate your breathing. they spot lily and marlene first.

“girls, have you seen y/n-” james’ voice falters as he walks closer and spots you on the couch. at his abrupt silence, sirius quickly runs over to see why james had stopped talking. sirius freezes at the sight of you. surrounded by tissues. eyes red and puffy and cheeks flushed.

remus and peter soon join them, equally shocked at the situation. “what happened?” remus spoke softly, voice concerned. “nothing.” you quickly say, hoping they didn’t hear the crack in your voice. “but you’re crying.”

“i’m fine.”

“are you sure-”

“yes!” you look up to see the boys’ worried looks, you heave a sigh as you feel another tear falling down. not trusting your voice, you gesture to lily and marlene, giving them the okay to tell them what happened.

“vincent.”

sirius’ jaw clenches at the name, he has been quiet all this time, his eyes never leaving you. “the date was just some stupid bet with his friends. to see how long y/n would wait for him.” the boys gasp as their faces contort into disbelief, shock and anger.

sirius huffs, nostrils flaring as his fist clench at his side. he quickly turns to leave the room, ready to give vincent a piece of his mind when remus stops him. “don’t do anything stupid. you need to be here for her right now.” sirius sighs before realizing that remus is right and turns back to you.

“that’s awful, y/n. what a git.” james curses, shaking his head sympathetically. everyone nodded in agreement.

“are you okay?” sirius asks, the room falling silent. standing up from the couch, you finally meet his eyes, his familiar grey orbs bring a sense of comfort despite the tension between the two of you. you nod at him. “you were right.” you whispered. when he says nothing you continue, “he was bad news and i should’ve listened to you. could you gloat at a later time, though? not really in the mood.” your voice is shaky as more tears escape.

“and don’t worry, i won’t come crying to you.”

sirius lets out a sigh, “what if i come to you?”

you cautiously watch as sirius strides over to you, opening his arms and bringing you into his chest, nestling his face into your hair. you tense up for a moment before melting into him, wrapping your arms around him.

lily gestures for everyone to leave, nodding her head at the door. they all follow suit, quietly exiting the room to give you some privacy.

you start sobbing quietly as sirius holds you close. you feel his hand come up to stroke your head. “i’m sorry.” you snicker. sirius pulls back, enough so he can cup your face. “hey, you have nothing to be sorry for.” he assures you. you shake your head. “i do. i should’ve listened you and then we fought-”

“that was my fault.”

“but you were right about him.”

“i didn’t want to be! everything i said was out of pure jealousy. if i knew what he was up to, trust me, i would have been a lot more persistent.”

“you were jealous?”

sirius looks down at you with a fond smile, “love, i’m jealous of anyone who holds your attention for more than a minute.”

your mouth slightly opens at his statement. sirius lets his words sink in. it’s a confession. of sorts. he so badly wants to scream how utterly in love he is with you, but he decides he’ll tell you tomorrow. with your favorite flowers, maybe some sweets from honeydukes. and definitely in a more romantic setting.

“just a heads up, me and the guys are definitely gonna make vincent and his foul little friends pay. i’m sure james already has some ideas.”

you let out a laugh, “no need, right now they’re all covered in boils and throwing up slugs.” you tell him proudly. sirius gives you an amused look, “i’ve taught you well.”

-

some time later the both of you are on the couch, his arms around as your head rests on his chest. some of your housemates had come and gone, pausing as they saw the two of you entangled together.

sirius absentmindedly played with your hair as the two of you engaged in conversation about anything and everything. your tears had stopped long ago and now you could barely remember the entire vincent fiasco. now you feel at ease, at peace. in his arms.

“…you should’ve seen snape’s face. oh, it was priceless-” sirius pauses his story as he feels your breathing even out. when he looks down, he finds your eyes closed, your face cuddled into his chest. he couldn’t help the smile that grew on his face as he watched you.

careful not to wake you up, he adjusts slightly on the couch so you can stretch out more comfortably, movement freezing when you stir. once he feels you settle once more, his hand comes up to stroke the top of your hair. you nuzzle more into his chest at the gesture and sirius hopes you don’t feel the rapid beating of his heart.

he contemplates on waking you up, you probably would be more comfortable on your bed, but he selfishly decides against it, opting to hold you in his arms a little while longer.

a few moments pass and you’re still sleeping soundly on sirius’ chest. he looks down to your face and heaves a sigh. the events from earlier are still at the back of his mind. the nerve of vincent richmond.

“you did not deserve that.” he whispers softly. “you are so fucking precious and you don’t realize, huh?” his thumb traces over your cheek, “you deserve the world and everything beyond,” he breathes into your hair. “and i will make it my life’s mission to give you just that.” he pressed a soft kiss to your head before stroking over your hair once more.

tomorrow. tomorrow he’ll tell you everything. how deeply he feels for you, how you make his heart swell with a simple smile, how he cannot bear the thought of you with someone else. tomorrow he’ll tell you everything he just said and he’ll make sure you’re awake to actually hear him.

fortunately, you were always a light sleeper.

: sirius black x fem!reader

: when sirius finds himself with girl troubles, he enlists your help

: fluff, bit of angst

: 2.8k

: not really fond of this one but anyway enjoyy

masterlist

you were laughing as lily explained james potter’s latest attempt at wooing her. “i seriously don’t know how he comes up with these ridiculous nicknames.” she exclaimed. “i don’t think we want to know.” you countered, shuddering at the thought of seeing inside james potter’s mind. or any of the marauders’ minds. “you are absolutely right. ignorance is bliss.” lily agreed. “that it is, my friend.”

“i just don’t get it. girls throw themselves at him all the time, yet he continues to pester me.” the red head sighs before taking a sip of her butterbeer. “have you ever thought that he might genuinely have feelings for you? so other girls simply don’t interest him?” you narrowed your eyes at her and she averted your gaze. “still. you’d think by now he’d take a hint or at least give one of them a chance. i mean look at sirius.”

“what about me?”

your conversation is interrupted, said interruption sliding in the chair next to you. you and lily share a similar look of confusion as sirius black is now seated at your table. “so? what about me?” he speaks up again after a moment of silence. you shrug, “nothing. what do you want, 

sirius?”

you and sirius were.. friends. you got along well, much to your surprise and despite what lily insists, you do not have crush on him. 

“now, why would you assume i want something? it’s hogsmeade weekend, can’t i sit with you girls and enjoy this fine day?” sirius exclaims, leaning back in the chair. you almost roll your eyes, “you can, but you haven’t done so since just this moment so i ask again, what do you want, sirius?” he looks at you for a moment before conceding,

 “fine, so there’s this ravenclaw girl-”

he’s cut off by unison groans from you and lily. “we are not gonna help you with your girl problems, black. go ask potter or remus.” lily’s voice is stern as she crosses her arms over her chest. “they can’t help with this.” he whines, looking between the two of you. “why not?” 

“this girl is… persistent. she’s not taking no for an answer and i need to get her off my back.” he explains, his voice is frantic, the desperation sinking through. you sighed, “and how are we supposed to help with that?” 

“well not so much you and lily as much as just you.” he says hesitantly, looking at you with pleading eyes. your head tilts in confusion, “why just me?”

“because james likes lily.”

“what does that have to do with anything?”

before he could answer you, a figure enters the three broomsticks and sirius softly gaps, eyes widening in panic. “oh no, oh no.” sirius mutters, you and lily are now even more confused than before. you turn to him, “sirius what are you on-” the hand around your shoulder shuts you up. “i’m sorry, please just play along for a minute.” he whispers to you as he pulls you closer. “what-”

“sirius!” you see a girl approaching your table, her smile gradually fading as she gets closer, noticing sirius’ arm around you. “sirius, hey. i’ve been looking for you.” she greets him, ignoring both you and lily. “well, you found me. though, i am a bit busy. my girl can’t get enough of me. not that i’m complaining.” sirius smirks and gestures to you, placing a kiss on your cheek. you freeze, too stunned to speak. you see lily fighting off a laugh, hand coming up to cover her mouth, hiding her smile.

the girl’s face drops, shoulders sagging as she looks between you and sirius. “oh. well, whenever you’re free, let me know. i’d love to get to know you better.” her voice falters, doing her best to put on a smile. she straightens her shoulders and promptly exits the pub. once she’s out of sight, you slap sirius’ hand off your shoulder, “what in merlin’s name was that?” you raise your voice at him, lily finally letting out the laugh she’d been holding in.

“i’m sorry, i’m sorry. i panicked.” sirius puts his hands up in surrender, an apologetic look in his eyes. “that was you panicking?”

“that was i wanted to ask you before. i wanted to know if you were willing to pretend to date me, just until she’s out of my hair.”

your mouth hangs open at his request, you start shaking your head no. sirius takes a deep breath, closing his eyes almost as in preparation for what he’s about to say. “i didn’t want it to come to this but… you owe me.” 

“i owe you?” you questioned and he nods. you’re about to ask him what he’s on about but he beats you to it. “transfiguration, fifth year.” your eyes widen as you gasp. 

you were absolute shite at transfiguration and with owls coming up, you were getting nervous. it wasn’t your proudest moment, but you had practically begged sirius to help you. he agreed, thankfully. the two of you spent many late nights in the library, going over the material and eventually you got the hang of it, passing your exams with flying colors. you were extremely grateful for sirius’ help but you had felt bad about taking up so much of his time. he told you it was okay but you insisted that you ‘owe him one’. 

you let out sigh, “fine.” you agree half heartedly.

“thank you! you are heaven sent, did you know?”

 “what happened with transfiguration fifth year?” lily inquired, her interest now piqued. “he helped me with something so now i owe him a a favor.” your explanation was vague so lily made a mental note to interrogate you about it later.

“don’t you think that the little stunt you pulled earlier was enough to send her packing?”

sirius starts shaking his head no, “absolutely not. you heard her “whenever you’re free”. i called you my girl and she still persisted.”

“so what now?”

“nothing too extreme. we just have to be more affectionate from now on, at least when she’s around.”

“you mean like kiss?” sirius smiles at your question. “if it comes to that. but we don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with.” 

you sigh as you face away from him, meeting lily’s eyes. a huge grin graces her face as she takes a sip from her butterbeer. “i think it’s a great plan.” she says and your eyes narrow at her. “oh, i’m sure you do. how long do we have to keep it up?” you ask sirius, eyes still glaring at lily. he shrugs, “a week, maybe a couple. if she doesn’t get the hint by then-”

“a couple of weeks?” you turn to look at a grinning sirius. this was going to be… interesting.

-

in the following weeks you and sirius fell into a routine of hand holding and lingering touches.  the girl, who you’d come to know as vivian morgan, was a year below you and sirius. meaning no classes together where you’d inevitably have to sit next to sirius. (and risk him distracting you. he’s proved to be very skilled at that.) your charade would only have to be kept up in the great hall and occasionally throughout the castle if she was nearby.

you’d found it rather peculiar how effortless it was for sirius to pretend the two of you were a couple. although it didn’t take long for you to get used to it as well. it felt natural and easy, a little too much. the way his hand found yours, the way he put his arm on your lower back as he guided you to your desired destination, the way the conversation between the two of you flowed so casually. it felt too natural, it felt real. 

you made a habit out of reading in the courtyard during your free period, today was no different. too engrossed in your book, you don’t notice when sirius sits down next to you. a hand around your shoulder startles you out of your trance. “sirius.” 

“hello, love.”

you ignore him and the tingling sensation from where his hand rests over your clothes, continuing with your reading. you feel sirius shuffle closer to you and rest his head on your shoulder to peer into the book in your hands. “oh, you’re studying.” he notes when he sees that you’re holding a potions textbook. suddenly his head shoots up from your shoulder, you turn to him in surprise. sirius digs into his pocket and pulls out a packet. “then you need this.” he holds up a packet of chewing gum. your eyebrows raise in question. sirius chuckles at your confusion, “doesn’t gum help you focus when you’re studying?”

“how did you know that?”

“well, i was your tutor all throughout last year. bound to pick up some things.” you nod at him, bottom lip tucked between your teeth.not knowing what to say, you turn back to your textbook.

it was unsettling how well he knew you, noticing your little habits, some of which you weren’t even aware of. 

“something wrong?” sirius asks suddenly. you look back to him, “why would you ask that?”

“you’re doing that thing where you bite your lower lip when something’s wrong or something’s bothering you.”

your eyes slightly widen at his assessment, unable to find the words to respond. “you do it quite often actually, makes me worry.” he adds. “you're… observant.” you finally manage. “when i want to be. so what’s on your mind?”

you shake your head, “nothing.” sirius doesn’t buy it. “come on, tell me!” he nudges you with his elbow. “really, it’s nothing-” he suddenly moves closer, hand coming up to rest on your cheek as he slowly turns your face, making you meet his eyes. his fingers move to tuck your hair behind your ear. your faces are inches away from each other. your breath hitches as he stares deeply into your eyes. “what are you doing?” you whisper.

his eyes flicker down to your lips before moving back up to your eyes. he leans in, but you freeze, unsure of his intentions. is he gonna kiss you? you hadn’t done that before. there’s a part of you that’s scared. but you’re not sure if it’s fear of the kiss itself or fear that maybe you might enjoy it. before you can decide, sirius mutters something. 

“vivian’s heading this way.”

your mood instantly deflates and you break eye contact, which seemed a lot more difficult earlier. “okay, she’s gone. that was close.” he breathed, letting go of your face as he moved back, putting some space between the two of you. 

you try to fight it, desperately pushing away that feeling of disappointment, but it makes its way through, filling you with frustration. none of this is real. you have to remind yourself of that quite often as of late. 

-

you’re not sure how much longer you can take this. this ruse of yours seemed to be taking an emotional toll on you. you find yourself wanting to be closer to sirius, but then you’re reminded of the real reason any of this is happening. and that’s the only reason he’s being so affectionate, the only reason he touches you. and why that upset you had been bugging you for a while, until recently. you denied it as much as you could, it was just the circumstance, is what you told yourself. but as the days went by it was much harder to convince yourself of that. so much to your dismay, you finally accepted it. 

you had feelings for sirius black. 

but now it’s all too complicated. you fear that any more of sirius’ fake affections would cause you to expose your true feelings. feelings which you were sure sirius did not reciprocate, he’s just a really good actor. for the sake of your heart, you decide to put an end to this charade. it had been long enough. if vivian morgan hasn’t come to her senses then that’s not your problem.

you find him in the great hall. taking a deep breath, remembering this is for the best. as you walk closer you notice sirius making his way over to the ravenclaw table. you raise your eyebrows in question when you see him taking a seat next to vivian. your heart drops as you see him lean closer to her. you force yourself to look away, storming out of the great hall as fast as your feet could carry you.

sirius finds you in the common room. you had a book in your hand, biting your lip, but it didn’t seem like you were reading. “hey, the others said they saw you, but you left rather quickly.” you barely reacted to his voice. when you didn’t answer, sirius walks over to you, sitting in front of you. “are you feeling alright?” still no answer. “y/n-”

“i saw you with her.” you cut him off, not meeting his eyes.

 “who? vivian? i was-” 

you interrupt him again, “what was the point of all this, sirius?” 

sirius is confused. “the point of what?” he asks. “this.” you gesture between the two of you. “you ask me to help get vivian off your back and after weeks of pretending, you decide to pursue her anyway. then why have we been doing what we’ve been doing?” you exasperate, finally looking up at him. “pursue? what are you on about, love.” he’s truly at a loss, wondering what caused your mood to change so suddenly. “sirius-”

“if you had a problem with this, you should’ve told me. i never wanted you to be uncomfortable.”

“i wasn’t uncomfortable. that’s the problem.” you mutter the last part, hoping he hadn’t heard it. “what does that mean?” sirius tilts his head in question. “nothing.” you quickly say, moving to stand up from the couch. 

“no, stop saying it’s nothing and actually talk to me!” sirius exclaims, making you jump. when he sees your wide eyes, he offers you an apologetic look. you stare at him for a moment before shaking your head. as you walk past him you hear him sigh, you don’t make it very far when you feel a hand curl around your arm and pull you back. you gasp as sirius’ hands reach up to cup your face. before you can say anything, sirius crashes his lips into yours. 

it’s alarming how easily you fall into it, deepening the kiss as your arms go around his neck, pulling him closer. his lips are soft, inviting and feel so good against yours. it takes everything in you to pull away from him. you let out a breath and sirius rests his forehead against yours. “sirius-”

“i wasn’t flirting with her. or pursuing her.” you’re both still trying to catch your breath. “then what-”

“i was telling her off. once and for all.” a smirk graces his face. “why?” you can still feel him on your lips, like he’s stained you. “so we could stop pretending,” he leans down, lips ghosting over your mouth. “and we could do this for real.”

your breath hitches, “do what?”

 a wide grin stretches across his face as he pulls you in once more. “this.” he whispers huskily and kisses you. you’re thankful he’s holding you or you surely would be falling to your knees. it feels as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders and you can’t help but smile against him.

he breaks the kiss after a few moments. “you do feel the same, right? i mean, lily told me you might but-”

you cut him off with a laugh. “what are you laughing for?” he asks incredulously. “sirius, i am crazy about you. i thought it was you who didn’t reciprocate.”

“why didn’t you say anything before?”

“why didn’t you?

“i tried!”

“when?”

sirius thinks for a moment, “remember that day in the courtyard?” you nod. “well, vivian wasn’t actually heading our way. I couldn’t help myself! i wanted to kiss you but chickened out at the last moment.” 

you gasp, “sirius!” he chuckles at you, “and there may have also been a few times where she wasn’t even around but i wanted to hold your hand so i told you she was.”

when you’re silent, sirius fears he might’ve upset you. an apology sits on the tip of his tongue when he hears you giggle. “you are unbelievable. all this time. is that why asked me to be your pretend girlfriend?”

he nods shyly, “partially. it started off as just pretend, should’ve known i’d fall for you. but i really did want vivian to leave me alone, though.” 

“so what’d you tell her earlier then?”

“i told her that my heart belongs to you. and only you.”

“oh really?” you muse, arms going back around his neck, hands interlocked behind his head. he smirks, “yours to do with as you please.”  he hums.

“then i guess it’s only fair that mine is yours as well.” you touch your forehead to his. “what a high honor you’ve bestowed upon me, my darling.” 

: sirius black x fem!reader

: with NEWTs just around the corner, sirius is worried you’re pushing yourself to your limit

: maybe angst idk, fluff, grammar mistakes probably

: 1.6k

: i am a proud college drop out ,, but i needed this back then anyway enjoyy

your last year at hogwarts seemed bittersweet. since arriving in september, you had been constantly reminded with the fact that this was the last time you’d be roaming the castle, your last moments as a student. one one hand you were happy to finally be done with school, eager to start your career, but then on the other hand, in order to have a career in the wizarding world, you’d have to go through something excruciating, something you truly dreaded.

NEWTs.

becoming an auror also meant you needed excellent academic credentials, which meant a lot of studying, which meant most of your time was spent at the library. something your boyfriend, sirius, was not very fond of. call him selfish, but he missed spending time with his girlfriend. 

becoming an auror also meant you needed excellent academic credentials, which meant a lot of studying, which meant most of your time was spent at the library. something your boyfriend, sirius, was not very fond of. call him selfish, but he missed spending time with his girlfriend. 

of course, he knew what being an auror meant to you and he was one hundred percent supportive, but he could also see that you were exhausting yourself. anytime he saw you, your nose was buried in a textbook or going over your notes. he knew you were losing sleep, thanks to the map, he could see when you got out of bed to study in the common room. sometimes you would go so far as to sneak into the library. 

he’d confronted you about it before, telling you of his concerns for your wellbeing, but to no avail. you persisted that you still needed to study, not confident of your knowledge on a certain subject. it had been like this for months, but he kept at it, trying to convince you to let up. 

at one point sirius had enough, what started out as him just missing the company of his girlfriend turned into severe concern, you hadn’t even been to hogsmeade since coming back from christmas break. he wasn’t the only one who noticed, though. your friend and roommate, lily, had also tried to convince you take it easy, but  she was unsuccessful.

one night as sirius was checking the map, he saw your name still hovering in the library as it had been since dinner. grabbing the cloak and map, he decided to pay you a visit. his feet traveled quickly through the halls as he made his way to the library, making sure to hold the fabric over his figure, eyes occasionally scanning over the parchment in his hand, in case filch or a professor was nearby. 

once he was in the library, he immediately noticed your hunched over figure, a number of open faced books laid out on the table in front of you, your wand illuminating the dark. he sighed when he saw your tired eyes roaming over the pages, your mouth moving slightly as you read the words. 

slowly moving the cloak off his body, he carefully walked over to you. you were too engrossed to notice him, even when he cleared his throat. he was almost impressed when you didn’t bat an eye as he sat down in the chair next to you. 

he shook his head, “nox.” he whispered, the both of you now surrounded in complete darkness, which finally snapped you out of it. your head shot up as you let out a gasp, eyes squinting as you looked around warily. afraid you had gotten caught by a professor, until you heard a familiar voice, 

“finally. lumos.”

you let out a sigh of relief when the familiar face of your boyfriend came into your view, now illuminated by the light from his wand.  “sirius. what are you doing here?” you breathed out. he narrowed his eyes, “should be asking you the same thing, love. how did you manage to sneak into the library without getting caught?”

“i didn’t sneak in. i simply went to library after dinner. and i haven’t left so -”

“so technically you didn’t sneak in. cheeky little thing, you are.”

“what can i say? being the girlfriend of a marauder, you gain some tips and knowledge.” you give him a teasing smile. a silence falls upon the two of you. sirius looks down at the books on the table. you follow his gaze, sighing as you saw his slumped shoulders. “i know what you’re gonna say-”

“i don’t think you do.” he quickly interrupts you, eyes meeting yours. “sirius,” you start but he interjects once more, “you’re doing too much, y/n.

“no i’m not. NEWTs are important, sirius. i have to get good grades.”

“and you will, but you don’t have to study 24/7.” he whisper-yells. “i can’t even remember the last we hung out together.”

you started getting upset, your tired state blurring your emotions together, not recognizing the concern in sirius’ voice. “that’s what this is about? you’re upset because i don’t spend every waking moment with you? you do realize this is my future.”

“that’s not what this is about! and i’m not upset, i’m worried!” his voice slightly louder this time. he sees your eyes widen at his tone, closing his eyes as he tries to calm himself. 

“y/n, you barely eat, you’re losing sleep, you hardly take part in your friends’ conversations anymore. i’m just worried, love. so utterly worried”

“sirius-”

“no, please let me finish. i know you how much you want to become an auror and that you need to do good in your exams, but you’re wearing yourself thin. it’s not healthy, love.”

you turn your head, reluctant to meet his gaze. your eyes fall to the numerous textbooks in front of you, the words now jumbling together as you feel your breathing get heavier. you blink rapidly, vision getting blurry as your eyes fill with tears. your heart pounds, you can almost hear it thumping. the weight of the situation dawns on you when sirius puts a comforting hand on your back. its enough for you to break.

“it’s so much, sirius.” you finally cry out. tears now running freely down your face, shoulders shaking with each sob. sirius immediately brings you closer into his chest, cradling your head as you bury it in the crook of his neck. his hand moves soothingly up and down your back as you continue to cry into his sweater.

“i know, i know.” he whispers into your ear. “all these months i’ve spent yet somehow it feels as if i still know nothing.” you gasp in between breaths, voice cracking with each word. 

“i’m so tired.” you managed, having calmed down after a bit, tears still flowing but less sobbing. sirius’ can almost feel his heart breaking in half at the sound of your voice. “everything’s gonna be alright, darling.” he feels you shaking your head. “i feel as though i’m gonna fail.”

“you won’t.”

“i will. i can’t do this, sirius.” 

sirius grabs your face from the crook of his neck and gently moves you so he can look at you. “look at me, you can do this. but putting so much pressure on yourself,  working yourself to the bone just won’t do you any good. and you don’t have to do any of this alone, i’m here for you.” his thumb moves to wipe the still falling tears from your eyes.

“not just me. everyone’s worried. we all just wanna help. will you let me help?”

you take a deep breath, trying to find your voice, “how?” you manage to whisper. “we could study together? all of us, like a study group. or just you and me, though you might get distracted by my devilishly handsome good looks. close proximity and all.” he offers a sly smirk. you let out a small laugh, shaking your head at him.

 “but either way, we’re making sure that you take a break, several for that matter. merlin knows you deserve it.”

you let out a sigh, meeting those familiar grey eyes. “what if i still can’t do it, what if i still fail?” you speak softy. 

sirius tilts his head at you, “you’re one the smartest people i know and you’re so driven, i have not a single ounce of doubt that you will pass the exams with flying colours and become the best auror the wizarding world has ever seen. dark wizards shall tremble with fear at just the mention of your name.” he speaks with such confidence, you can’t help but smile as he presses a kiss to your forehead before resting it against his. you grin at him before leaning in, sirius meeting you halfway as your lips touch for what seems like the first time in forever. sirius wonders how he’s survived this long without it.

“thank you.” you whisper to him after breaking the kiss. “and i’m sorry, i know i’ve been difficult.” you add. “no need for apologies, darling. just want you to be okay. though if you’re in need of repentance, endless kisses would be greatly appreciated.” you giggle as you bring his lips to yours once more, arms going around his neck. 

“let’s get you to bed. tomorrow ‘s saturday so you’re sleeping in, no arguments.”

“i suppose i could use the rest. with these eyebags, it’s a wonder you haven’t run for the hills yet.”

sirius scoffs, “eyebags or not, you’re still the most gorgeous girl i have ever laid my eyes on.” he winks at you. “you sure know how to make hearts flutter, don’t you, mr. black.”

“but the only heart that matters is yours.” he quips, standing up from his seat, holding out his hand for you. you grab it, hanging your head to hide your flushing cheeks. sirius notices, smiling fondly down at you as he drapes the cloak over the both of you. 

in the morning, james potter wakes up to his friend’s empty bed, but all worry leaves him as he enters the common room and finds him curled up on the couch, you cuddled in his arms, the two of you wearing content smiles on your faces.