Sirius and James had shuffled behind Professor McGonagall across the castle to Dumbledore’s office. They had hung their heads low, and kept their eyes on their shoes to avoid getting a sense of what kind of trouble they were in. Based on the way McGonagall had spoken to them, and the way she had practically dragged them out of The Great Hall by their collars – they already had a pretty good idea. Professor Slughorn had assisted in getting Sirius’ victim up to the hospital wing to see Madam Pomfrey, because the boy could hardly even stand on his own two feet.
McGonagall sat Sirius and James down in Dumbledore’s office, threatening them with an even heavier punishment if they tried to escape before Dumbledore could get there. James and Sirius sat in silence while they waited. The incident replayed over and over in their minds as their adrenaline and initial fury began to fizzle out. The longer they sat and pondered, the more worried they became. The punishment that was inevitably coming was nothing compared to the guilt that they felt. The nauseating remorse was punishment enough for what they had done. No, they weren’t guilty for what they had done – rather they were guilty for the effects of what they had done.
Specifically, how it had affected you.
“Did you see the look on her face?” Sirius asked quietly to his friend that was sitting right next to him.
Sirius was beginning to feel really terrible. The stinging pain in his battered nose was nothing compared to the ache of culpability that he felt in his chest. He knew that he had messed up. He had messed up really, really bad.
“Yeah….” James replied simply. “I didn’t mean to upset her.”
James was disappointed in himself. James knew that he could be hotheaded. James knew that Sirius could be that way too. When both of them got revved up and angry at the same time, in most cases, James was usually more likely to calm down before things escalated – and most times Sirius could calm down too as long as James didn’t completely let his emotions bubble over. James had let himself get out of control, and part of him thought that he could’ve aided the situation if he had kept his composure.
“Me either. If that fucking bastard had kept his mouth shut then I wouldn’t have even….” Sirius trailed off from his original thought, because he knew that making excuses wouldn’t help his case. “This is my fault, Prongs. I knew better than to let it get to me like that. I didn’t mean to get you involved.”
James shook his head, cradling and gingerly massaging at the soreness in his knuckles. His hands were mild compared to Sirius – his hands were torn, shredded, and busted to hell.
“You’re not responsible for the way I reacted. My actions were on me,” James dismissed. “It’s times like this that remind me how much better Remus handles stuff.”
Sirius and James shared a light chuckle, a laugh that was more for breaking the tension more than anything else. Their amusement didn’t last long, because the moment that Dumbledore’s entrance was made, they were right back to cowering in their seats.
As predicted, James and Sirius were seriously scolded for what happened – although, Dumbledore’s discipline was much mellower than Professor McGonagall’s. Dumbledore had cut them some slack before, but those instances had always been much less severe. It seemed that Sirius Black and James Potter’s luck had finally run out, because they were sentenced to Friday afternoon/evening detention for the rest of the term as well as hand-written, lengthy apologies. Despite the grueling tedious and two and a half month punishment, the boys had honestly been expecting much worse. To be honest, James and Sirius were notorious for being able to get out of pre-established sentences, so they didn’t sweat it much. Besides, the punishment was the absolute last of their worries.
They left Dumbledore’s office in a hurry, hardly seeing the need to stick around for any longer than necessary. It was fairly late by the time they were finished, nearing around 9’o o'clock or so. The Great Hall was long cleared out, and mostly all of the students had returned to their House towers for the evening. There were a few stragglers here and there as the boys traversed the corridors together to get back to their dorm, but none of them were anyone they were interested in seeing.
“How’s your hand, mate?” James questioned when he noticed that Sirius was cradling his hand that had taken more damage than the other. “We can swing by Pomfrey’s if-”
“No. I can get fixed up in the morning,” Sirius denied. “I want to talk to her first.”
Sirius was determined to get this resolved before it had time to sit too long. Sirius was beginning to think that his whole “do now, ask for forgiveness later” motto might’ve been in poor taste. He needed to explain himself before you had enough time to think on it to get the wrong idea.
Sirius was taking this harder than James was. It was understandable, considering that Sirius had started it. Sirius genuinely and truly had been working on himself. Sirius had been trying to understand his emotions and his short temper better. He had been trying to practice patience and improve his communication skills. In the last few years, Sirius had learned and saw firsthand how his ego could hurt those around him. For the most part, Sirius had improved on all cylinders – but every now and then, he’d slip up far worse than anything he had ever done previously.
Sirius could only imagine you right now. Sirius had undoubtedly made a horrible day even worse. He saw you reduced to a puddle of tears and a chorus of sobs, clinging to Remus for consolation – wailing and blubbering about how much you hated Sirius for being so quick to react in unacceptable ways. That thought alone caused a hot rise in Sirius’ throat. He’d never be able to forgive himself if he was the reason that you ever came to detest him or either of the other two.
It frightened him as well, because that part of himself was something that was hard for him to control.
“Are you sure? To be honest, you really look like shit.” James asked again, continuing to walk alongside Sirius.
Sirius didn’t even have a snarky remark for that. If Sirius looked even an ounce as he felt, then he was sure that James’ statement was true. A bloodied nose and battered face and hands wasn’t a good look for Sirius – no matter how good the glory of a violent victory felt.
“I’m sure. I’ll deal with it later.” Sirius confirmed, and James didn’t ask again.
By the time they reached the dorm, anxiety had done its job of making them both a spiral of nerves. James felt like he was going to be sick, because he truthfully didn’t have even an inkling of what he was going to say. What could either of them say? They had shown a less than pleasant performance, and had gone against your wishes in a way that was far worse than anything you could’ve imagined. They had messed up, and they knew it.
Sirius and James were slow as they entered, peeking their heads around the door rather than entering fully. Sirius’ mental image wasn’t met when they caught the first glance of the inside of their dorm. You weren’t wrapped around Remus in a desperate manner. There were no sounds of crying or obvious upset. The only inhabitant of the room was Remus, who was standing at the circular mirror on the wall. He examined his face, peering at his right cheek that had been struck from a stray punch during the scuffle. Compared to Sirius, it was nothing more than a scratch.
“Where is she?” James asked, not wasting any time getting to the point.
Remus sighed, shaking his head and turning from the wall to look at them.
“I don’t know.” Remus admitted.
Sirius’ stomach sank to his feet and bounced back up into his throat. If you weren’t here, then there was no telling where you had run off to.
“You don’t know?” Sirius questioned. “How do you not know where she is?”
“Well after you two decided to beat that guy to a pulp, I was pulled aside for questioning on your behalves….since McGonagall had you two tied up with Dumbledore, I had to do all the explanations everywhere else,” Remus revealed. “She was gone before I could go after her.”
“Do you have any idea where she is?” Sirius asked next in hopes of Remus maybe having an idea of where you could’ve gone.
“She’s probably with Lily and Marlene. They went looking for her when I got caught up.” Remus answered, his arms crossing over his chest.
James piped up this time. His jitters were so strong that he couldn’t even stand still.
“They’re probably in their dormitory.” James announced, looking at Sirius as if to communicate with him that they needed to go.
Remus caught the look, and stopped them before either of them could even take a step.
“I wouldn’t do that. She’s upset enough as it is. It might be best to let this sit until morning.” Remus advised, and Sirius disagreed.
“Remus, we can’t wait that long.” Sirius argued, his voice weighty and determined.
“Might I remind you that she is not happy with either of you right now,” Remus fired back. “Let it go for tonight. We’ll settle it in the morning.”
Remus had a point, but they really wished that he had been wrong for once. If nothing else, it would give them a little more time to think about what they were going to say.
“It’ll be fine, mate. Just give her some time,” Remus approached them, clapping his hands on each of their shoulders. “Come on. Go get yourselves cleaned up.”
James managed to get washed up much more quickly than Sirius. That wasn’t surprising, considering that Sirius had taken a worse beating than James had. James chatted and talked about anything that he could to anyone that was listening. James talked when he was nervous – the running of his mouth distracted him. James was cleaned and fixed up in about ten minutes, and he looked significantly better. While he looked better, he surely didn’t feel any better. He crawled into his bed once he was washed up, preparing for a sleepless night and several hours of tossing and turning. James could never sleep when he had an anxious mind, and it happened more often than most people would’ve thought.
Remus had gone to bed shortly after James, leaving Sirius to his lonesome to tend to his injuries. Sirius stood at the sink in the washroom, looking at himself in the mirror as he carefully wiped at the dried blood under his nose and around his mouth. As the blood remoistened, it dripped down his chin and soaked into the rag that he was using to get clean. He rinsed the rag out into the sink, watching the pink-stained water flood down the drain in almost an instant. His knuckles hurt the most, and his eyes involuntarily filled with tears when he cleaned them under the stream of water. He winced a few times at the tender, stinging flesh on his upper lip that was painfully sensitive when he touched it. It probably needed stitches, but Sirius didn’t feel much like getting it taken care of.
He couldn’t get you out of his head. Every passing thought was related to you. Your quiet plea to leave the situation alone replayed over and over in his head, like a record needle stuck on the same groove. He couldn’t get the image of your tearful eyes, the same ones that were usually so full of adoration and love, looking at him with horror and disappointment. That was the hardest part of this whole thing for him. He could get over you being mad or you being annoyed with him – those were things that he could come to terms with. But the thought of you being disappointed in him, the mere idea of you having any kind of displeasure for him absolutely killed him. He only had himself to blame for that, and blaming himself is exactly what he was doing.
He glared at his reflection that stared back at him. His swollen eye and busted lip were prevalent, and they were a sight to see. The throbbing in his eye and the heat coming off of it practically unnoticeable compared to the anger that he felt in his heart for himself. He found himself lost in his own eyes, drowning in the pools of gray that he was picking apart every aspect of.
Sirius had messed up so many times, and each time felt worse than the last. He wanted to be a good person. He wanted to be the best man that he could be for you, the boys, and himself – but it seemed that the more time that went by, the more that Sirius realized that he’d never be the man that he wanted to be. Sirius would admit that he regretted more of himself than he praised.
It was moments like this that reminded Sirius Black of the hate that he harbored for himself. Sirius was critical of himself. He could easily write himself off and present himself as a “go with the flow” or a “it is what it is” kind of guy. For the most part, that was what he did. He had painted this picture of himself and constructed this facade for others to view him as confident and sure with everything. That was one of the endless things that he admired about you – you had always been able to see straight through his false image.
He didn’t see anything good when he looked deeper into himself. He saw a hateful, spiteful, and dishonorable man that wasn’t worth the time of day and that didn’t deserve the warm drink of your love that you overfilled his cup with over and over again. Sirius knew that he didn’t show it enough, and he knew damn well that he didn’t say it enough – you meant absolutely everything to him. Sirius couldn’t put it into words, and oftentimes he had a hard time revealing it in his actions. Sirius couldn’t understand how he could love someone so much when his heart was so full of resentment. And the part that he really didn’t understand was how someone with such a pure, loving heart such as you could even spare someone like him a passing glance. You shouldn’t have given him anything. Sirius found guilt within himself that you loved someone like him. You deserved someone better – someone who wasn’t like him.
You were every flower in a summer field on a hot July day. You were the peaceful rainbow after every raging rainstorm. You were the calculated answer to all of his burning questions. In a black night sky full of glittering, dancing stars – you were every single one. After all of Sirius’ wrongs that seemed to outweigh the rights, he hoped and he prayed that he would be even a single being in your universe.
****
As predicted, neither James nor Sirius slept any real amount. They rolled and shifted in their beds all night trying to get comfortable enough to get some sleep – but they couldn’t find a position that slowed their racing minds. For a Saturday morning, they were up and going much earlier than usual. Sirius’ head perked up from his pillow when he heard James’ feet hit the floor, his good eye squinting to peer at him in the morning light. James noticed his stare, and grimaced at how Sirius’ appearance had changed overnight. His eye had swelled and turned a gnarly shade of black and blue, and his lip was red and irritated.
“Did you sleep?” James asked, his voice groggy with exhaustion.
“No.” Sirius replied as he watched James sluggishly pull a t-shirt over his shirtless frame.
“Me either,” James remarked. “Where’s Moony?”
Sirius’ sat up on his elbows to look over at Remus’ bed, and he was surprised to see that the bed was neatly made and arranged as it always was whenever he was out for the day. His Gryffindor robes were draped over his trunk that was stationed at the end of the bed, which was an indicator that he’d be back soon.
“He probably went to get breakfast,” Sirius guessed, groaning at the screaming soreness in his muscles when he sat up completely. “I hurt so bad.”
“I don’t doubt it.” James came to the side of Sirius’ bed, offering a hand to get him on his feet.
Truthfully, Sirius didn’t hurt as badly once he was up and moving around. He slowly dressed himself and was careful not to accidentally aggravate his hand or his face. He felt like he had been hit by a train, and he was sure that he didn’t look much better. James and Sirius dragged themselves silently around as they got ready, not bothering to look overly presentable for a regular Saturday. Their movements were laggy and tortuous as they maneuvered around, because they both hurt something awful. James was positioned on the end of his bed, his left foot cautiously propped on his right thigh as he tied the laces on his shoes. His mind hadn’t stopped reeling for well over twelve hours now, and the longer it went unresolved, the worse that it got.
“Hey, Pads?” James called, only continuing once he had Sirius’ attention. “Do you think she’ll forgive us?”
Sirius didn’t have a chance to answer, and he was thankful that he didn’t have to. The door to their dormitory opened, and Remus entered with smuggled food balanced in his hands. He had wrapped up some easy breakfast to-go items for the other two, because he figured that they didn’t feel up to sitting down for a meal.
“Hey, Moony.” Sirius greeted casually.
“Hey. I brought you two some breakfast,” He announced, splitting the pile evenly between the two of them. “I figured you were hungry.”
They were starving, considering their dinner was cut short the night before. James needed some nutritional energy to hopefully settle his nerves, his fingers working diligently to peel the skin off of the banana in his hand. As hungry as Sirius was, he was positive that he wouldn’t be able to hold anything down long enough to sustain him with any real nourishment. Sirius’ was visibly troubled as he looked at Remus with a look of expectation. Sirius had waited, and he had waited long enough.
“I talked to Lily,” Remus began. “She said that everything is fine.”
James spoke through bites of banana, his voice muffled as he made an attempt to talk.
“How is she?” James asked, referring to your current state.
“Lils said she’s on and off….and still not happy with any of us,” Remus recalled the information that Lily had shared with him. “But more so with you two.”
“What is she mad at you for?” Sirius’ question fell from his mouth before he had any real time to think about the answer.
“I think she’s upset with all of us for getting involved one way or another,” Remus remarked, and it hurt his heart just as much as the other two to know you were dissatisfied with him. “Once you two finish eating we can go.”
James suddenly finished the last of his curved fruit in one big bite, forgetting about the rest of his wrapped goodies until later.
“Let’s go now.” He gargled through chewing, tying his other shoe quickly and rising to his feet.
Sirius wanted to get this over with. Not because he was dreading it or wanted to get it resolved the easiest, quickest way – but because he wasn’t sure how much longer he could handle the guilt. It was miserably slow as it ate away at him, and he needed to get his sincere apology heard. The boys regrouped with one another and left their dorm, preparing for whatever kind of reaction they were going to get from you. They were quiet as they walked down the boys’ staircase and up the girls’.. There really wasn’t much that could be said, because at this point it had all pretty much been said. Sirius let out a shuddering exhale when your door came into view as they turned a corner. Remus heard his noise of stress, and took a moment to reassure both him and James.
“Take it easy, mate,” Remus smiled at his two best pals. “It’ll all be fine.”
They sure hoped that Remus was right, because if it wasn’t going to be fine – then they had no idea what they were going to do.
Remus took the lead on this. His light knocks on the large wooden door were dulcet in an attempt to avoid making too much noise. It was still fairly early, and most of the inhabitants of the Gryffindor tower were still sleeping. The last thing Remus wanted was to wake anybody up and cause another kind of stir.
James and Sirius shifted on their feet from where they stood behind Sirius. Their fidgeting from the heightened anxiety wasn’t even worth hiding, and hiding it honestly made it worse. Sirius’ heart skipped a couple of beats when the knob turned to open the door from the inside. Lily was the one who appeared in the now open doorway, her emerald eyes looking at the three of them standing together. Lily didn’t bother with a greeting, because none of them were there to see her.
“She’s in bed. She won’t get up,” Lily stated, keeping her voice hushed. “Just….try not to upset her any more.”
Lily was tired. She and Marlene had been up most of the night trying to console you the best that they could. With a little time and patience, they had managed to get you calmed down enough to get some sleep. They weren’t sure how restful it was, but at least it gave you some kind of break.
Remus nodded at her request, taking glacial steps inside when Lily stepped aside to allow them in. Marlene was gone for the morning, and Lily was going to follow suit once you were aware that they were there for you. You were curled up on your mattress, half underneath the sheets with your back towards the door. Lily moved to the side of the bed that you were facing, signaling for the boys to wait for a few moments.
“Hey….” Lily tilted her head as she looked down at you. “The boys are here.”
Lily had honestly expected you to start crying again when your eyes flickered up to hers. They were glassed over with remnants of tears, but the tears didn’t fall.
“They want to talk to you. Will you speak with them?” Lily questioned in her lightest, sweetest tone. Lily glanced up for a moment at Sirius, who was so pale that he looked ghostly. “I think Sirius could use a hug.”
James felt his halfway breakfast churning in his stomach. Now he had wished that he had decided to brave this on an empty stomach. When you sat up from your balled up position, they straightened up and stood a bit taller to look more confident in their presence. Lily smiled at you, and told you that she was going to be heading out for a little while. Once Lily was gone, it was just the four of you in the quiet room. They were frozen still until you looked over first.
Your gaze landed on Sirius first, and you couldn’t help the look of shock and alarm on your expression at his tyrannized face and abused hands. You hadn’t expected him to look so bruised and roughed up.
“Hey there, bunny.” Remus said first, approaching you cautiously.
He sat on the free space on the side of the bed, and Sirius and James didn’t know what to do other than to copy Remus’ motions.
“Hi, puppy.” Sirius greeted as neutrally as he could.
He was nervous, and it was a visible tell.
“Hey, angel.” James offered a small smile.
James was even more nervous, the slight shake in his hands giving it away.
“Hi.” You squeaked, and all three of them immediately felt the tiniest bit of relief.
This felt more standard. The three of them huddled around you in whatever open space they could get comfortable in on the small Hogwarts’ beds. The context of the conversation wasn’t ideal, but at least the familiarity of the positioning offered some delay in the tense atmosphere. The beats of silence that passed weren’t awkward, but rather hesitant. Everything that James and Sirius had come up with to say had vanished into the abyss of their subconscious. They were flying blind now, and whatever they were going to say was going to be whatever they could come up with.
“You look tired.” You spoke feebly, looking at James with the intentions of your words.
James was the most tired of all three of the boys. You weren’t wrong that it showed on his face, and he hoped that this would be settled well enough so that he could sleep the rest of the day.
“Oh, I’m a little tired,” James replied. “Just worried about you.”
The edge of the sheet over your lap was in your hands as you fiddled with it. The fact that all three of them were nervous on different levels made you nervous. Sirius was sitting at the foot of the bed, dragging his fingertips back and forth across the soft material of your blanket. He was doing it as a sensory distraction, and he hoped that it would relax him enough so that he could actually come up with something to say.
“We’ve all been worried about you,” Remus added. “You were very upset last night.”
There was a beat. A silence. And then a response.
“I asked you not to say anything.” You mumbled, toying with the sheet as you avoided any and all eye contact.
None of them knew who exactly you were referring to, but the burning ditch that opened up in Sirius’ gut gave him a pretty good idea. Despite his initial aggravation, Remus knew that neither Sirius nor James had acted the way that they had with the intent of disquieting you. He knew his friends inside and out, and he knew how they felt about you. No price was too big for the sake of defending you. Remus was pretty sure that you knew that as well, but he also understood where you found discomfort with the fact that they had acted that way after you had asked them not to.
“They were saying bad things about you, lovely. We couldn’t just let them say that.” James continued as charily as he possibly could.
He wasn’t trying to argue. He just wanted to explain the situation as coherently as he could.
“I deserved it,” You replied back. “I was stupid during Potions yesterday.”
“You weren’t stupid, and that doesn’t excuse what he said, princess. Never, ever should anyone talk about you like that.” Remus backed James up.
Sirius was silent. There weren’t any words coming to or from his brain. He was so embarrassed and ashamed of himself that he didn’t even know how to articulate anything. All he could do was listen and watch the best that his frazzled mind possibly could. He was so indignant with himself and so dispirited that he didn’t blame you for not accepting his apology.
“You didn’t have to be so….violent.” You muttered, and now the shared spotlight was shining on James and Sirius.
Neither of them really had much of a good explanation for why that was their best resolution to the problem. They could go on about how they could be hot headed and short-tempered….but that wasn’t one of those arguments that would hold up very well. Sirius felt a fiery balloon swelling in his throat – when that balloon popped, the waterworks were going to come with it.
James was handling this much better than Sirius and Remus had expected. He was still very obviously nervous, but he was doing a nice job of communicating his thoughts and feelings.
“I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone, my love….well, I was but it wasn’t for a reason that I didn’t find important to me,” James vindicated. “I care about you and I love you. At the time, that was how I wanted to handle it.”
You didn’t like that answer. The shake of your head and the abrupt sob that escaped your chest let James know that was not a response that you wanted to hear, even if it was the truth. The tears leaked from your eyes and spilled down your cheeks like raindrops racing on a clear glass window.
“But I don’t want you to handle things like that!” You wailed. “I don’t want you to get in trouble because of me and I don’t want you to hurt anyone!”
James felt a pang of remorse for setting you off again, but if it meant getting his point and apology across – then he supposed it was best. Remus noticed something odd in this quick couple of passing seconds. Your tears were notably genuine and you were clearly distressed….but your tears and your reaction seemed to be more of a panic response than anything else.
“Take a breath, bunny. He’s not trying to upset you,” Remus mediated, moving to sit behind you so you could cuddle up against him. Remus rocked you in response to your choked up cries. “What about this has you shaken up so badly?”
“It-It’s just….I didn’t-” You hiccuped. “Sirius was just so mean.”
The balloon in Sirius’ throat exploded at those words. The tears pooled in his eyes and it took everything he had to hold them back. Remus and James felt sympathetic for Sirius, because they knew that what you had said didn’t help how hard he was undoubtedly being on himself. Sirius’ lips parted as if he was going to say something, but the words still didn’t come. Sirius’ lower lip wobbled as he strained to keep the flooding tears from making their escape. There probably wasn’t anything that he could say to make you think of him the same way again.
“I think you’re being a little unfair to Pads, bunny.” Remus admitted.
“He feels really, really bad about all of this.” James piped up.
Remus used his sleeve to wipe away your tears, hoping it would help compose yourself better.
“I was so scared that he was going to get hurt and then it’d be my fault,” You blubbered on. “I didn’t want Siri to get hurt.”
Even after all of this, Sirius’ wellbeing had been the root of most of your concern. Sirius felt like such a jerk. He had done just about everything you had asked him not to do and you still were more worried about him. This was one of those things that Sirius knew to be true about how you felt about him.
Remus cast Sirius a glance, and it stung his heart to see one of his best pals nearly reduced to tears. Sirius didn’t get worked up in this kind of way often – and it took a lot to get him so rattled.
“Siri isn’t badly hurt, darling. And Siri and Jamesie both love you very much,” Remus professed you. “I know that it wasn’t the best decision, but it only happened because we all love you.”
“We love you so very much. It won’t happen again.” James assured you.
Sirius needed to speak. He used whatever brain power he had left to come up with something. A phrase, a word, a noise, absolutely anything that he could. He didn’t care what he came up with, just as long as he didn’t let this moment get away without him asking for forgiveness. If he had to fall to his knees and bawl into your lap and gasp for air between every snivel to show his remorse then so be it.
But that didn’t happen. His shoulder began to quake with the vibrating weep that was so close to expelling from his chest. It wasn’t until your eyes met his, the same dazzling ones that he found so much faith and comfort in, that he let it all go.
“I’m sorry.” Sirius cracked, and he couldn’t hold back his tears anymore.
It felt like such a sore apology. After all he had done and said to lead up to this point, “I’m sorry” just didn’t seem that it was even nearly enough. There were millions of more things that he could’ve and probably should’ve said – but that two word infamous phrase was all he could murmur. But as always, you could see Sirius for who he really was. Now was not an exception to the way that you could flawlessly read Sirius without error or misunderstanding. Despite the simplicity of his words, you felt the weight behind them. You heard the sorrow and the contrition in his voice as he said it. You saw the pleading and the silent beg for forgiveness behind his pupils. Maybe on the surface it wasn’t much, and perhaps to anybody else it would’ve been a shitty apology.
But to you, it was a sincere, love wrapped Sirius Black apology.
You sniffed when you crawled away from Remus, maneuvering the short distance between you. Sirius was stunned at first when you wrapped your limbs around him desperately, but he returned it with grace and another sob of contentedness. Sirius buried his nose into your hair, not caring that it irritated and hurt the tender area. That hug was the best embrace that he had ever been given. It spoke so loud and had so many volumes.
Remus and James shared an alleviating glance. The amnesty was a relief, and while there was some work to be done to get fully back to normal – it was a work that was unquestioned because of its rewarding nature.
“I love you. So so so much.” Sirius cradled your face in his slender, torn hands.
“I love you, Siri.” You replied, turning somewhat to address the other two. “Remy and Jamesie too.”
With that, the four of you fell into a big cuddle pile as the three of them peppered you with kisses and showered you with affection. There was a peaceful, serene vibe in the air – one that was much more welcomed than the tense one from before. Again, there was some progress to be made and some more conversations to be had, but for now the biggest hurdle had been cleared with ease. It was a straight sprint the rest of the way, and with no obstacles in sight – the end goal seemed like a breeze.
This was a major development moment for the four of you. None of you were perfect, and sometimes it took the hard way to learn from each other’s mistakes. This was not a mistake that Sirius or James would make again, and that was a solid fact.
Sirius and James had a basket of things to learn from this experience. It was a lesson learned and it motivated them to be much more cool and calm if something like this ever happened again. Once again, Sirius had been forgiven and given yet another chance.
Was it a chance that he deserved? He didn’t think so. However, it was one that he was grateful for nonetheless.
Request:hello! I dont know if you do any marauders oneshots but if you do can you write one where the reader and sirius are dating and they get in a huge fight and remus is the one to push the reader back to sirius????
A/N: This was hella fun to write
“No, you’re right Sirius! It’s always my fault! I’m always the bad guy!”, you yelled tears threatening to pierce through your eyes as you slammed the palm of your hand against Sirius’s chest.
“I never said that! This is what I am talking about! You always jump to conclusions without consulting me first!”, He yelled back not daring to break eye-contact. All you saw was blue. Blue like the tears streaming down your cream-colored face, like the stone necklace that Sirius gave you for your first anniversary that seemed to now burn at your throat, and like the roses Sirius would give you after whispering ‘I love you’. You distinctly remembering the first time you two admitted your feeling towards one another. It was during the fifth year, somehow the two of you went from talking about how you managed to fail your potions class to confessing your acquired adoration for each other. With him asking timidly at the end, ‘can I kiss you?’.
Tightening a grip on Sirius’s jumper, you held him close to you.
“And you, you bastard never take my side! You’re always so kept to yourself! Never once have you came to me with a problem! I trusted you enough to let you in, but you couldn’t do the same! The only thing I ever needed was for you to need me, Sirius! That’s all I ever needed! Because I deserve somebody who gives a shit!”, you screamed even louder on the top of your lungs, causing your voice to crack. Sirius tried to take a step back, but you held onto his jumper even tighter not letting him leave. Straightening up his posture, Sirius glared at you, a hard cold glare. A glare he would give to someone like Bellatrix.
“Don’t you even dare Y/N! I loved you through everything, and you don’t even care! And you know what Y/N! I deeply wish that I never met you!”, Sirius screamed at me even louder with each sentence, his body trembled as his voice croaked with broken cries, before ripping your hand off of his jumper and running away. All you could do was stand there, sobbing loudly to yourself, grasping onto the single chair for support afraid that you might fall to the ground.
“Go after him Y/N”, You heard a raspy, cool voice of Remus lupin. Turning around to face the werewolf that you have became close mates with, you realize that you could barely even see him through your teary eyes.
“You know that it only hurts more when you stop pretending. ”, Remus continued on not bothering to move from the staircase that lead to the boys dorm, “So stop pretending that what Pad-I mean Sirius said hurt more than what you are letting on. Go after him and I predict that when you see him it’s going to hit you. Hit you like a muggle bus just crashed into your body breaking your soul into pieces and your heart in shattering glass fragments.”
“W-What are you talking about Remus”, you choked on your sobs trying to make process on what the lad was saying.
“I’m saying that it’s always been you and Sirius. Always. Ever since first year when you hated each other, no matter what you two will always love each other, so I don’t see why you are forcing him away, and him visa versa. But knowing how stubborn the both of you are, I am not telling-I am demanding that you go after Sirius and tell him. Tell him how you are feeling now. Or else I will drag you by your hair to him”, Remus didn’t say another word before storming back up the stairs.
Numbly you moved forward, towards the portrait that would lead you out of the common-room. Once outside the sound of a broken cry filled your ears. Sirius. He was more then crying, he was cursing to no one but himself. There he sat at the top of the moving staircase cursing and cursing to himself, and crying even louder. That’s when it hit you, it hit you harder than a muggle bus crashing into your body. It hit you more painfully than the curico curse. You collapsed down to the cold stone floor, clenching your chest above your heart. The pain was unbearable. Seeing Sirius the way he was puffy eyed, tear stained cheeks, messy destroyed locks of crow black hair, paler skin than the snow falling outside, and the look of death itself shadowing over his handsome face. Your heart was smashed, beaten, crumbled, torn apart, and shattered to the base of your chest like fine china.
“No-please. Please don’t leave me”, you cried broken and torn like your vocal cords yearned for fresh cool liquid, “Please Sirius, you’re the only good thing I have. I can’t-Don’t leave me”
You didn’t know if he could hear you and you sobbed on the hallway floor, it wasn’t until you felt those cold strong arms around your body. engulfing your body in a cold chill. The cold chill you have grown custom to after so many years of hugging, holding hands, colliding in the middle of the hallways, and sneaking kisses at midnight. Moving your body around so you would be able to hold onto the person who was your first kiss, your first love, your first friend, your first enemy, and the first person who you beat the crap out of when they accidently called you a ditzy little girl.
“It’s okay, I’m here. I’m sorry.”, Sirius’s wobbly voice spoke almost like the wind in the summer, soft and almost unnoticeable, “I will never leave you. Never. Just promise you won’t leave me”
His grip grew stronger around your body pulling you closer to him. Crying into his shoulder, all you could do was nod.
“Never, I would never leave you. Never. I love you”, You whispered over and over again. I love you.
You love Sirius the same way how the moon loves the sun, dying each day so the sun can live.
