always should be someone you really love! ✿ | r.l.

*:~>#%<~:*

remus lupin x reader (set in the 90s)

warnings: underage drinking, smoking, cussing, making out

sweaty and drunk teenagers filled the room, screaming and dancing their hearts out.

feeling the liquor burn it’s way down my throat, of course this being a sign that i needed to drink more for the burning to go away.

remus was laughing his ass off telling some incoherent story, i was laughing as well because i was so fucking out of it.

“REMUS!!! STOP TALKING!!” i said as i put my hand over his mouth to listen to the song that was playing “THIS IS GIRLS AND BOYS!! BY BLUR!!! GOD DAMON ALBARN IS SO FIT!!! LETS DANCE!!”

i grabbed remus’ arm and dragged him to the dance floor

“streets like a jungle, so call the police”

“following the herd down to greece”

we were dancing like it was the last thing we’d do, “fOollOwing the hErddSss dOwwnwn to gReEcee” remus was singing, god his singing was terrible.

“on holiday, love in the nineties, is paranoid”

“HOLIDAYY NUNUNUNU NINETIES NANANAN PARANOID!!!” “THIS SONG IS SOO GOOD” i screamed “ISN’T THAT RIGHT REM??” “TOTALLYY” he screamed back, as if we weren’t facing each other

we kept stupidly dancing until the chorus came on

“girls who want boys who like boys to be girls who do boys like they’re girls who do girls like they’re boys”

“always should be someone you really love”

“ALWAYS SHOULD BE SOMEONE U REALLY LOOOVEEEE” we said in between laughs

“hey rem, you know what would be so funny?”

“yeah y/n/n?”

“if we made out!”

“hell yeah!! let’s do it”

and with that his tongue was down my throat and my fingers were tangled in his hair. this went on for a little longer than i’d like to admit.

when we were finally sobering up i took a cigarette from his pocked and asked him to light me.

“DUDEEE. REM DID YOU MAKE OUT WITH Y/N” james came screaming into the room, “well fuck me!! i probably did… why?”

“everyone’s talking about it man!” james replied with a laugh

“oh god” remus took the cigarette out of my hand and put it on his lips.

“remus!! song 2 by blur!! let’s dance!!” i said as i heard the drums of the song “i’m tired y/n” “c’moonnn man pleaseee” i whined. “fine” he gave in, “hurry jamie, it’s starting!!”

“woohoo!!!”

we all screamed along to the song

“woohoo!!!”

“hey rem, you know what wound be cool” i said

“yeah?” he replied

“if we made out again!”

“you know what, fuck it” he said and smashed his lips into mine

“god damn, zero respect for the people around you it seems” james said as he walked away

“when i hear heavy metal”

“and i’m pins and i’m needles”

“god y/n, seems like blur makes you horny” remus laughed as i pulled away.

“always man”

god this night was crazy…

———

HELLO??? DID YOU MISS ME??? i apologize for disappearing like that omf. i’m kinda rusty in writing fanfic so this kinda sucks. i fell in love with blur when i was away, also i kissed a bunch of people!! go me!! i’m so gonna be writing fics about many other people and many other universes. my life has changed a bunch since the last time i posted!! i hope i can get back into regularly posting again, lots of love -syd

remus lupin headcannons:

☆

warnings: smoking (i’m sorry i can’t help myself i love writing about smoking but don’t really love doing it), smut, not proofread bc i refuse to for some reason, and i think that’s it?lemme know if i missed anything :)

read me: the use of “good girl” is used one time, she/her pronouns not implied tho <3

a/n: i love writing headcannons so much omg. they leave so much space for creativity and so easy to work with, anyway enjoy <33

• this boy is such a tease
• as innocent as our remmy may seem, he knows how to rile you up
• from when he wears those crop tops he knows you like
• or when he throws his head back
• or runs his fingers through his hair
• he knows what you like
• you’re his and he makes sure you know
• he’s sweet in sex, but when you disobey him, i’m sorry baby you’re in for hell
• because as he says, “only good girls get to cum”
• honestly i kinda feel like he’d want to maintain the sub/dom routine outside of the bedroom sometimes, especially when you’re feeling subby.
• he knows you so well, he knows exactly how you’re feeling all the time
• he loves when you put eyeliner on him, or paint his nails, it makes him feel pretty.
• you kinda have a bad smoking problem, so remus tries his best to get you to stop
• and honestly it’s worked
• every now and then both of u smoke tho
• he loves reading with you, or helps him find peace
• you were on of the first people he told about him being a werewolf, in terror of you leaving him
• he was suprised to find out you were nothing but supportive
• he loves music, and he loves when you show him music
• i feel like he likes the smiths (fuck morrissey tho)
• he loves playing with your hair
• and you with his
• and speaking of love
• he loves oral
• i don’t think i’ll go into detail
• but at the end of the day
• he loves you more than anything
• and he wants you to know it
• and this is the writer ending this bc they don’t know what else to write
• <3

traitor | s.b.

not my gif!!!

SOUR masterlist

warnings: angst, break up, cussing, self harm, i wrote this based off of my experience with self harm. reader discretion advised.

not proofread cause booooriiiiinnggggg also moony write a happy fanfic challenge <//3

read me: guys, i’m so sorry for not writing in so long. god, days have really flown. i was in an intense writers block, but yesterday i saw an interesting stranger whom without a word spoken already had my heart. i really hope i see them again soon, it sucks and it hurts to not even know their name, it’s frustrating that i can’t do anything about it. they’re perfect, i hope we meet again soon. i wrote a song about them because i felt things too strong to keep inside. i’m glad i started writing again, i missed it. now, traitor, a sirius black story:

(lyrics in purple)

brown guilty eyes and little white lies

yeah, i played dumb but I always knew

that you’d talk to her,

maybe did even worse, i kept quiet so I could keep you

guilty eyes with unspoken words looking back at me, making me feel small and stupid for acting like i never knew.

you talked to her behind my back, at first i just thought it was your friend since you clearly had no trouble in making them, but i didn’t believe you did even worse.

of course, like a child in love for the first time, which was what i was at the time, kept quiet.

i couldn’t lose you.

and ain’t it funny

how you ran to her

the second that we called it quits?

isn’t it funny? how when i finally got the courage to confront you about it, it ended in a big fight, you blaming me for not trusting you.

whenyouwe called it quits, the person who brought you comfort was her. not your friends, clearly not me, her.

and ain’t it funny

how you said you were friends?

now it sure as hell don’t look like it.

when i even thought about bringing it up, or stared too long, you said you were friends. yet every time i asked you how your day was, or what was on your mind, you brought her up.

the way you have your arm around her, or the loving look you have on your face when she’s around. i don’t blame you, how couldn’t you? her dark brown eyes, her smooth dark skin, her long fluffy hair, there was nothing not to love.

you betrayed me

and i know that you’ll never feel sorry

for the way i hurt

i wonder if you remember our promise, we would be together through thick and thin, together forever. that went to shit.

the way you love her will never make you feel sorry for all the restless nights i spent, or the cuts scattered on my thighs, the eye bags that became something normal for me to have. you never payed it any mind.

loved you at your worst

but that didn’t matter

when you needed someone, i was always there. dropped anything, important or not, so you could have a shoulder to cry on. did the impossible to make you feel alright.

but none of the mattered.

it took you two weeks

to go off and date her

guess you didn’t cheat

but you’re still a traitor

it only only took two weeks to hear everywhere how you were with her.

how much you loved her.

and almost nothing to see you guys attached to the hip, like we once were.

you didn’t cheat, you stayed there with me but in the end were never really present.

but you still betrayed me, told me cheap lies to which i was too in love to not believe.

now you bring her around

just to shut me down

show her off like she’s a new trophy

it’s like everywhere i go, you’re magically there, with her.

so many days ruined and nights spent crying because of your new trophy.

and i know if you were true

there’s no damn way that you

could fall in love with somebody that quickly

all the ‘i love you’s and ‘i’ll never leave you’ went to shit.

if you loved me as much as you told me the night you broke my heart, there’s no way or explanation on how you lover her so much. it’s been two weeks, sirius, two weeks.

ain’t it funny

all the twisted games

all the questions you used to avoid?

so all the “baby, she’s nobody” “don’t worry about it hun” “don’t say that” “i love you, not her” were all lies, love really blinded me and fucked me up this time.

“siri, who’s that girl you’re always hanging out with?”

“she’s nobody”

“oh”

“what’s her name?”

“it doesn’t matter y/n! i’m tired. i’m gonna sleep.”

really? she doesn’t seem like a nobody now.

remember i brought her up

and you told me i was paranoid

“y/n! you’re just paranoid. just because you’ve had shitty partners doesn’t mean i am. stop being paranoid, it’s annoying.” that hit low. he was so cruel weeks prior to the breakup, how didn’t i see it coming.

god, i wish that you had thought this through

before i went and fell in love with you

the red lines on my thigh appear from the night before. being just a reminder of how i can’t feel anything, my favorite things go unnoticed now. you broke me. i wish you had thought it through before you let me fall in love with you

don’t you dare forget about the way

you betrayed me

you really fucked me up. i let a bunch of things and red flags go “unnoticed”. I’ve tried my best to be as supportive for you.

one thing i promised myself because of the shred of dignity i have left, is how i swear to god i wont let you forget about how you betrayed me.

—

a/n: i hope you guys find this story to your liking, it’s the first thing i’ve wrote in a while and i don’t know how to feel about it. if you could, please tell me what you thought about it. thank you :) -moony<3

enough for you ll / r.l.

not my gif!!

SOUR masterlist|enough for you, part one

warnings: angst, remus realizing things, not proof read.

(also a few t.A.T.u lyrics lol)

a/n: this ones kinda short bc there’s not rlly a lot of ways to end this lol, i’m sorry

——————————————————————————

“loved you more than i’d ever loved myself. i gave up everything. but you seem to have loved her.”

is this really how they felt? fuck, i never meant to hurt them. i’ve looked everywhere, everywhere. even the special tree they went to when they had to think or just cry. i went to their dorm and there was nothing there. i lost them.

i mean, it’s almost the end of the year right? maybe they went home early? no, they wouldn’t. hogwarts has always been their escape, right??

all the things she said, running through my head, they’re running through my head. nothing comes up. i wish i could apologize.

*******************************************************

have i lost my mind? i always imagine them, imagine them walking around, i miss you y/n. please come back.

*time skip bc i don’t feel like writing abt his summer lol*

I’m at the train station. i broke up with my girlfriend because i just can’t bare the thought of y/n being upset. i’m gonna make things right. they’re my everything.

i saw a notebook fall in front of me, i picked it up and went to give it back to its owner. i was too wrapped up in my own thoughts that i didn’t even see a figure in front of me, talking to somebody.

“hey is this yours? it fell.”

they turn around, they look different. longer hair, and it had little purple streaks in it. it looked charming.

“y/n..” i saw them shift uncomfortably “oh, thanks.”

they started speed walking away and i tried to stop them, saying “y/n can we please talk? i want to apologize” “you don’t have to, i’m over it. have a good day remus” that tone was like a shot to the heart.

i spent months, months.trying to get them back. they moved on. there’s nothing i can do about it, i lost them.

——————————————————————————

enough for you | r.l.

not my gif!!!

SOURmasterlist|part two

warnings: angst, breakup, remus moving on, smoking,

(lyrics in purple)



i wore makeup when we dated

cause i thought you’d like me more

if i looked like the other prom queens

i know that you loved before

dear remus,

i still love you

my first love, the boy i would’ve given the sun and moon for, you’re sitting there with your arms wrapped around your new girl. while your friends laughed at one of your lame jokes you took the chance to place a kiss in the girls’ beautiful blonde hair.

it made me think think of all of the times i went out of my way to put on makeup before seeing you, or changing my style in clothes just to make it more like likable for you. i should’ve known, knowing all of the prom queen worthy girls you had wrapped around your fingers in the past, you could have anyone you want.

and i knew how you took your coffee

and your favorite songs by heart

i read all of your self-help books

so you’d think that i was smart

stupid, emotional, obsessive, little me

i knew from the start this is exactly how you’d leave

and all of the times i went out of my way to pick up some coffee for you, black with one sugar, everyday. i knew that order like the back of my hands.

i learned your favorite songs on the guitar just to impress you, i went out of my way to listen to all of the artist you liked just so you’d like me more.

i read all the books you liked so we had something to talk about. i made notes on them and lost sleep just so i could keep up with you.

you found someone better, and you left. i always knew it would happen but it was a surprise it happened so soon.

you found someone more exciting

the next second, you were gone

and you left me there cryin’, wonderin’ what I did wrong

and you always say i’m never satisfied

but i don’t think that’s true

‘cause all i ever wanted was to be enough for you

she’s so much more talented and prettier than me, no flaws, pretty green eyes, kindness, so talented, i couldn’t compete.

couldn’t you even tell me what i did wrong? was it too much to ask for a reason you decided to leave? and my best friend?

the two people i loved and trusted most stabbed me in the back.

all i ever wanted was to be enough for you. i quit smoking and tried my best to make you happy and not make you regret being with me. i just wanted to make you happy, that’s all.

and maybe i’m just not as interesting

as the girls you had before

but god, you couldn’t have cared less

about someone who loved you more

were your standards too high? or was i just not enough?

i remember when you helped me quit smoking, it made me realize you cared. now i’m smoking more than ever. i feel so alone.

come back to me.

now i don’t want your sympathy

i just want myself back

when you saw me smoking and crying you held me and told me to stop, i don’t want your sympathy. if you decided to leave me at my worst then that’s on you.

what hurts most is that i know i’m never getting myself back. and it’s all because of you.

don’t you think i loved you too much to be used and discarded?

don’t you think I loved you too much to think I deserve nothing?

don’t you think it’s shitty that you left the person that loved you most in the world for someone who you talked to once or twice before?

i loved you more than i’d ever loved myself. i gave up everything. but you seem to have loved her.

-yours forever , y/n

i left the note on his doorstep and left,

i left everything behind.

my family, my friends, remus.

i cant live like this anymore.

Words of Resolution

Sirius Black x James Potter x Remus Lupin x Fem! Reader (Lily makes a cameo)

Warnings:Poly! relationship. Language. Injury. Mentions of violence. 

A/N: This is a part two to this fic ! 

Word Count: 6.0k (It’s long - I’m sorry)

“Do you think she’ll forgive us?”

Sirius and James had shuffled behind Professor McGonagall across the castle to Dumbledore’s office. They had hung their heads low, and kept their eyes on their shoes to avoid getting a sense of what kind of trouble they were in. Based on the way McGonagall had spoken to them, and the way she had practically dragged them out of The Great Hall by their collars – they already had a pretty good idea. Professor Slughorn had assisted in getting Sirius’ victim up to the hospital wing to see Madam Pomfrey, because the boy could hardly even stand on his own two feet. 

McGonagall sat Sirius and James down in Dumbledore’s office, threatening them with an even heavier punishment if they tried to escape before Dumbledore could get there. James and Sirius sat in silence while they waited. The incident replayed over and over in their minds as their adrenaline and initial fury began to fizzle out. The longer they sat and pondered, the more worried they became. The punishment that was inevitably coming was nothing compared to the guilt that they felt. The nauseating remorse was punishment enough for what they had done. No, they weren’t guilty for what they had done – rather they were guilty for the effects of what they had done. 

Specifically, how it had affected you.

“Did you see the look on her face?” Sirius asked quietly to his friend that was sitting right next to him.

Sirius was beginning to feel really terrible. The stinging pain in his battered nose was nothing compared to the ache of culpability that he felt in his chest. He knew that he had messed up. He had messed up really, really bad.

“Yeah….” James replied simply. “I didn’t mean to upset her.”

James was disappointed in himself. James knew that he could be hotheaded. James knew that Sirius could be that way too. When both of them got revved up and angry at the same time, in most cases, James was usually more likely to calm down before things escalated – and most times Sirius could calm down too as long as James didn’t completely let his emotions bubble over. James had let himself get out of control, and part of him thought that he could’ve aided the situation if he had kept his composure.

“Me either. If that fucking bastard had kept his mouth shut then I wouldn’t have even….” Sirius trailed off from his original thought, because he knew that making excuses wouldn’t help his case. “This is my fault, Prongs. I knew better than to let it get to me like that. I didn’t mean to get you involved.”

James shook his head, cradling and gingerly massaging at the soreness in his knuckles. His hands were mild compared to Sirius – his hands were torn, shredded, and busted to hell. 

“You’re not responsible for the way I reacted. My actions were on me,” James dismissed. “It’s times like this that remind me how much better Remus handles stuff.”

Sirius and James shared a light chuckle, a laugh that was more for breaking the tension more than anything else. Their amusement didn’t last long, because the moment that Dumbledore’s entrance was made, they were right back to cowering in their seats.

As predicted, James and Sirius were seriously scolded for what happened – although, Dumbledore’s discipline was much mellower than Professor McGonagall’s. Dumbledore had cut them some slack before, but those instances had always been much less severe. It seemed that Sirius Black and James Potter’s luck had finally run out, because they were sentenced to Friday afternoon/evening detention for the rest of the term as well as hand-written, lengthy apologies. Despite the grueling tedious and two and a half month punishment, the boys had honestly been expecting much worse. To be honest, James and Sirius were notorious for being able to get out of pre-established sentences, so they didn’t sweat it much. Besides, the punishment was the absolute last of their worries.

They left Dumbledore’s office in a hurry, hardly seeing the need to stick around for any longer than necessary. It was fairly late by the time they were finished, nearing around 9’o o'clock or so. The Great Hall was long cleared out, and mostly all of the students had returned to their House towers for the evening. There were a few stragglers here and there as the boys traversed the corridors together to get back to their dorm, but none of them were anyone they were interested in seeing.

“How’s your hand, mate?” James questioned when he noticed that Sirius was cradling his hand that had taken more damage than the other. “We can swing by Pomfrey’s if-”

“No. I can get fixed up in the morning,” Sirius denied. “I want to talk to her first.”

Sirius was determined to get this resolved before it had time to sit too long. Sirius was beginning to think that his whole “do now, ask for forgiveness later” motto might’ve been in poor taste. He needed to explain himself before you had enough time to think on it to get the wrong idea. 

Sirius was taking this harder than James was. It was understandable, considering that Sirius had started it. Sirius genuinely and truly had been working on himself. Sirius had been trying to understand his emotions and his short temper better. He had been trying to practice patience and improve his communication skills. In the last few years, Sirius had learned and saw firsthand how his ego could hurt those around him. For the most part, Sirius had improved on all cylinders – but every now and then, he’d slip up far worse than anything he had ever done previously. 

Sirius could only imagine you right now. Sirius had undoubtedly made a horrible day even worse. He saw you reduced to a puddle of tears and a chorus of sobs, clinging to Remus for consolation – wailing and blubbering about how much you hated Sirius for being so quick to react in unacceptable ways. That thought alone caused a hot rise in Sirius’ throat. He’d never be able to forgive himself if he was the reason that you ever came to detest him or either of the other two. 

It frightened him as well, because that part of himself was something that was hard for him to control.

“Are you sure? To be honest, you really look like shit.” James asked again, continuing to walk alongside Sirius. 

Sirius didn’t even have a snarky remark for that. If Sirius looked even an ounce as he felt, then he was sure that James’ statement was true. A bloodied nose and battered face and hands wasn’t a good look for Sirius – no matter how good the glory of a violent victory felt. 

“I’m sure. I’ll deal with it later.” Sirius confirmed, and James didn’t ask again. 

By the time they reached the dorm, anxiety had done its job of making them both a spiral of nerves. James felt like he was going to be sick, because he truthfully didn’t have even an inkling of what he was going to say. What could either of them say? They had shown a less than pleasant performance, and had gone against your wishes in a way that was far worse than anything you could’ve imagined. They had messed up, and they knew it. 

Sirius and James were slow as they entered, peeking their heads around the door rather than entering fully. Sirius’ mental image wasn’t met when they caught the first glance of the inside of their dorm. You weren’t wrapped around Remus in a desperate manner. There were no sounds of crying or obvious upset. The only inhabitant of the room was Remus, who was standing at the circular mirror on the wall. He examined his face, peering at his right cheek that had been struck from a stray punch during the scuffle. Compared to Sirius, it was nothing more than a scratch.

“Where is she?” James asked, not wasting any time getting to the point. 

Remus sighed, shaking his head and turning from the wall to look at them.

“I don’t know.” Remus admitted.

Sirius’ stomach sank to his feet and bounced back up into his throat. If you weren’t here, then there was no telling where you had run off to.

“You don’t know?” Sirius questioned. “How do you not know where she is?”

“Well after you two decided to beat that guy to a pulp, I was pulled aside for questioning on your behalves….since McGonagall had you two tied up with Dumbledore, I had to do all the explanations everywhere else,” Remus revealed. “She was gone before I could go after her.” 

“Do you have any idea where she is?” Sirius asked next in hopes of Remus maybe having an idea of where you could’ve gone.

“She’s probably with Lily and Marlene. They went looking for her when I got caught up.” Remus answered, his arms crossing over his chest.

James piped up this time. His jitters were so strong that he couldn’t even stand still.

“They’re probably in their dormitory.” James announced, looking at Sirius as if to communicate with him that they needed to go.

Remus caught the look, and stopped them before either of them could even take a step. 

“I wouldn’t do that. She’s upset enough as it is. It might be best to let this sit until morning.” Remus advised, and Sirius disagreed.

“Remus, we can’t wait that long.” Sirius argued, his voice weighty and determined.

“Might I remind you that she is not happy with either of you right now,” Remus fired back. “Let it go for tonight. We’ll settle it in the morning.” 

Remus had a point, but they really wished that he had been wrong for once. If nothing else, it would give them a little more time to think about what they were going to say. 

“It’ll be fine, mate. Just give her some time,” Remus approached them, clapping his hands on each of their shoulders. “Come on. Go get yourselves cleaned up.”

James managed to get washed up much more quickly than Sirius. That wasn’t surprising, considering that Sirius had taken a worse beating than James had. James chatted and talked about anything that he could to anyone that was listening. James talked when he was nervous – the running of his mouth distracted him.  James was cleaned and fixed up in about ten minutes, and he looked significantly better. While he looked better, he surely didn’t feel any better. He crawled into his bed once he was washed up, preparing for a sleepless night and several hours of tossing and turning. James could never sleep when he had an anxious mind, and it happened more often than most people would’ve thought.

Remus had gone to bed shortly after James, leaving Sirius to his lonesome to tend to his injuries. Sirius stood at the sink in the washroom, looking at himself in the mirror as he carefully wiped at the dried blood under his nose and around his mouth. As the blood remoistened, it dripped down his chin and soaked into the rag that he was using to get clean. He rinsed the rag out into the sink, watching the pink-stained water flood down the drain in almost an instant. His knuckles hurt the most, and his eyes involuntarily filled with tears when he cleaned them under the stream of water. He winced a few times at the tender, stinging flesh on his upper lip that was painfully sensitive when he touched it. It probably needed stitches, but Sirius didn’t feel much like getting it taken care of. 

He couldn’t get you out of his head. Every passing thought was related to you. Your quiet plea to leave the situation alone replayed over and over in his head, like a record needle stuck on the same groove. He couldn’t get the image of your tearful eyes, the same ones that were usually so full of adoration and love, looking at him with horror and disappointment. That was the hardest part of this whole thing for him. He could get over you being mad or you being annoyed with him – those were things that he could come to terms with. But the thought of you being disappointed in him, the mere idea of you having any kind of displeasure for him absolutely killed him. He only had himself to blame for that, and blaming himself is exactly what he was doing.

He glared at his reflection that stared back at him. His swollen eye and busted lip were prevalent, and they were a sight to see. The throbbing in his eye and the heat coming off of it practically unnoticeable compared to the anger that he felt in his heart for himself. He found himself lost in his own eyes, drowning in the pools of gray that he was picking apart every aspect of. 

Sirius had messed up so many times, and each time felt worse than the last. He wanted to be a good person. He wanted to be the best man that he could be for you, the boys, and himself –  but it seemed that the more time that went by, the more that Sirius realized that he’d never be the man that he wanted to be. Sirius would admit that he regretted more of himself than he praised. 

It was moments like this that reminded Sirius Black of the hate that he harbored for himself. Sirius was critical of himself. He could easily write himself off and present himself as a “go with the flow” or a “it is what it is” kind of guy. For the most part, that was what he did. He had painted this picture of himself and constructed this facade for others to view him as confident and sure with everything. That was one of the endless things that he admired about you – you had always been able to see straight through his false image.

He didn’t see anything good when he looked deeper into himself. He saw a hateful, spiteful, and dishonorable man that wasn’t worth the time of day and that didn’t deserve the warm drink of your love that you overfilled his cup with over and over again. Sirius knew that he didn’t show it enough, and he knew damn well that he didn’t say it enough – you meant absolutely everything to him. Sirius couldn’t put it into words, and oftentimes he had a hard time revealing it in his actions. Sirius couldn’t understand how he could love someone so much when his heart was so full of resentment. And the part that he really didn’t understand was how someone with such a pure, loving heart such as you could even spare someone like him a passing glance. You shouldn’t have given him anything. Sirius found guilt within himself that you loved someone like him. You deserved someone better – someone who wasn’t like him.

You were every flower in a summer field on a hot July day. You were the peaceful rainbow after every raging rainstorm. You were the calculated answer to all of his burning questions. In a black night sky full of glittering, dancing stars – you were every single one. After all of Sirius’ wrongs that seemed to outweigh the rights, he hoped and he prayed that he would be even a single being in your universe. 

****

As predicted, neither James nor Sirius slept any real amount. They rolled and shifted in their beds all night trying to get comfortable enough to get some sleep – but they couldn’t find a position that slowed their racing minds. For a Saturday morning, they were up and going much earlier than usual. Sirius’ head perked up from his pillow when he heard James’ feet hit the floor, his good eye squinting to peer at him in the morning light. James noticed his stare, and grimaced at how Sirius’ appearance had changed overnight. His eye had swelled and turned a gnarly shade of black and blue, and his lip was red and irritated.

“Did you sleep?” James asked, his voice groggy with exhaustion.

“No.” Sirius replied as he watched James sluggishly pull a t-shirt over his shirtless frame.

“Me either,” James remarked. “Where’s Moony?”

Sirius’ sat up on his elbows to look over at Remus’ bed, and he was surprised to see that the bed was neatly made and arranged as it always was whenever he was out for the day. His Gryffindor robes were draped over his trunk that was stationed at the end of the bed, which was an indicator that he’d be back soon. 

“He probably went to get breakfast,” Sirius guessed, groaning at the screaming soreness in his muscles when he sat up completely. “I hurt so bad.”

“I don’t doubt it.” James came to the side of Sirius’ bed, offering a hand to get him on his feet. 

Truthfully, Sirius didn’t hurt as badly once he was up and moving around. He slowly dressed himself and was careful not to accidentally aggravate his hand or his face. He felt like he had been hit by a train, and he was sure that he didn’t look much better. James and Sirius dragged themselves silently around as they got ready, not bothering to look overly presentable for a regular Saturday. Their movements were laggy and tortuous as they maneuvered around, because they both hurt something awful. James was positioned on the end of his bed, his left foot cautiously propped on his right thigh as he tied the laces on his shoes. His mind hadn’t stopped reeling for well over twelve hours now, and the longer it went unresolved, the worse that it got. 

“Hey, Pads?” James called, only continuing once he had Sirius’ attention. “Do you think she’ll forgive us?”

Sirius didn’t have a chance to answer, and he was thankful that he didn’t have to. The door to their dormitory opened, and Remus entered with smuggled food balanced in his hands. He had wrapped up some easy breakfast to-go items for the other two, because he figured that they didn’t feel up to sitting down for a meal.

“Hey, Moony.” Sirius greeted casually.

“Hey. I brought you two some breakfast,” He announced, splitting the pile evenly between the two of them. “I figured you were hungry.” 

They were starving, considering their dinner was cut short the night before. James needed some nutritional energy to hopefully settle his nerves, his fingers working diligently to peel the skin off of the banana in his hand. As hungry as Sirius was, he was positive that he wouldn’t be able to hold anything down long enough to sustain him with any real nourishment. Sirius’ was visibly troubled as he looked at Remus with a look of expectation. Sirius had waited, and he had waited long enough.

“I talked to Lily,” Remus began. “She said that everything is fine.”

James spoke through bites of banana, his voice muffled as he made an attempt to talk.

“How is she?” James asked, referring to your current state.

“Lils said she’s on and off….and still not happy with any of us,” Remus recalled the information that Lily had shared with him. “But more so with you two.”

“What is she mad at you for?” Sirius’ question fell from his mouth before he had any real time to think about the answer. 

“I think she’s upset with all of us for getting involved one way or another,” Remus remarked, and it hurt his heart just as much as the other two to know you were dissatisfied with him. “Once you two finish eating we can go.”

James suddenly finished the last of his curved fruit in one big bite, forgetting about the rest of his wrapped goodies until later. 

“Let’s go now.” He gargled through chewing, tying his other shoe quickly and rising to his feet. 

Sirius wanted to get this over with. Not because he was dreading it or wanted to get it resolved the easiest, quickest way – but because he wasn’t sure how much longer he could handle the guilt. It was miserably slow as it ate away at him, and he needed to get his sincere apology heard. The boys regrouped with one another and left their dorm, preparing for whatever kind of reaction they were going to get from you. They were quiet as they walked down the boys’ staircase and up the girls’.. There really wasn’t much that could be said, because at this point it had all pretty much been said. Sirius let out a shuddering exhale when your door came into view as they turned a corner. Remus heard his noise of stress, and took a moment to reassure both him and James.

“Take it easy, mate,” Remus smiled at his two best pals. “It’ll all be fine.”

They sure hoped that Remus was right, because if it wasn’t going to be fine – then they had no idea what they were going to do.

Remus took the lead on this. His light knocks on the large wooden door were dulcet in an attempt to avoid making too much noise. It was still fairly early, and most of the inhabitants of the Gryffindor tower were still sleeping. The last thing Remus wanted was to wake anybody up and cause another kind of stir. 

James and Sirius shifted on their feet from where they stood behind Sirius. Their fidgeting from the heightened anxiety wasn’t even worth hiding, and hiding it honestly made it worse. Sirius’ heart skipped a couple of beats when the knob turned to open the door from the inside. Lily was the one who appeared in the now open doorway, her emerald eyes looking at the three of them standing together. Lily didn’t bother with a greeting, because none of them were there to see her. 

“She’s in bed. She won’t get up,” Lily stated, keeping her voice hushed. “Just….try not to upset her any more.” 

Lily was tired. She and Marlene had been up most of the night trying to console you the best that they could. With a little time and patience, they had managed to get you calmed down enough to get some sleep. They weren’t sure how restful it was, but at least it gave you some kind of break.

Remus nodded at her request, taking glacial steps inside when Lily stepped aside to allow them in. Marlene was gone for the morning, and Lily was going to follow suit once you were aware that they were there for you. You were curled up on your mattress, half underneath the sheets with your back towards the door. Lily moved to the side of the bed that you were facing, signaling for the boys to wait for a few moments.

“Hey….” Lily tilted her head as she looked down at you. “The boys are here.” 

Lily had honestly expected you to start crying again when your eyes flickered up to hers. They were glassed over with remnants of tears, but the tears didn’t fall. 

“They want to talk to you. Will you speak with them?” Lily questioned in her lightest, sweetest tone. Lily glanced up for a moment at Sirius, who was so pale that he looked ghostly. “I think Sirius could use a hug.”

James felt his halfway breakfast churning in his stomach. Now he had wished that he had decided to brave this on an empty stomach. When you sat up from your balled up position, they straightened up and stood a bit taller to look more confident in their presence. Lily smiled at you, and told you that she was going to be heading out for a little while. Once Lily was gone, it was just the four of you in the quiet room. They were frozen still until you looked over first. 

Your gaze landed on Sirius first, and you couldn’t help the look of shock and alarm on your expression at his tyrannized face and abused hands. You hadn’t expected him to look so bruised and roughed up.

“Hey there, bunny.” Remus said first, approaching you cautiously. 

He sat on the free space on the side of the bed, and Sirius and James didn’t know what to do other than to copy Remus’ motions.

“Hi, puppy.” Sirius greeted as neutrally as he could. 

He was nervous, and it was a visible tell. 

“Hey, angel.” James offered a small smile.

James was even more nervous, the slight shake in his hands giving it away. 

“Hi.” You squeaked, and all three of them immediately felt the tiniest bit of relief. 

This felt more standard. The three of them huddled around you in whatever open space they could get comfortable in on the small Hogwarts’ beds. The context of the conversation wasn’t ideal, but at least the familiarity of the positioning offered some delay in the tense atmosphere. The beats of silence that passed weren’t awkward, but rather hesitant. Everything that James and Sirius had come up with to say had vanished into the abyss of their subconscious. They were flying blind now, and whatever they were going to say was going to be whatever they could come up with. 

“You look tired.” You spoke feebly, looking at James with the intentions of your words.

James was the most tired of all three of the boys. You weren’t wrong that it showed on his face, and he hoped that this would be settled well enough so that he could sleep the rest of the day. 

“Oh, I’m a little tired,” James replied. “Just worried about you.”

The edge of the sheet over your lap was in your hands as you fiddled with it. The fact that all three of them were nervous on different levels made you nervous. Sirius was sitting at the foot of the bed, dragging his fingertips back and forth across the soft material of your blanket. He was doing it as a sensory distraction, and he hoped that it would relax him enough so that he could actually come up with something to say. 

“We’ve all been worried about you,” Remus added. “You were very upset last night.” 

There was a beat. A silence. And then a response.

“I asked you not to say anything.” You mumbled, toying with the sheet as you avoided any and all eye contact. 

None of them knew who exactly you were referring to, but the burning ditch that opened up in Sirius’ gut gave him a pretty good idea. Despite his initial aggravation, Remus knew that neither Sirius nor James had acted the way that they had with the intent of disquieting you. He knew his friends inside and out, and he knew how they felt about you. No price was too big for the sake of defending you. Remus was pretty sure that you knew that as well, but he also understood where you found discomfort with the fact that they had acted that way after you had asked them not to. 

“They were saying bad things about you, lovely. We couldn’t just let them say that.” James continued as charily as he possibly could. 

He wasn’t trying to argue. He just wanted to explain the situation as coherently as he could.

“I deserved it,” You replied back. “I was stupid during Potions yesterday.”

“You weren’t stupid, and that doesn’t excuse what he said, princess. Never, ever should anyone talk about you like that.” Remus backed James up.

Sirius was silent. There weren’t any words coming to or from his brain. He was so embarrassed and ashamed of himself that he didn’t even know how to articulate anything. All he could do was listen and watch the best that his frazzled mind possibly could. He was so indignant with himself and so dispirited that he didn’t blame you for not accepting his apology. 

“You didn’t have to be so….violent.” You muttered, and now the shared spotlight was shining on James and Sirius. 

Neither of them really had much of a good explanation for why that was their best resolution to the problem. They could go on about how they could be hot headed and short-tempered….but that wasn’t one of those arguments that would hold up very well. Sirius felt a fiery balloon swelling in his throat – when that balloon popped, the waterworks were going to come with it.

James was handling this much better than Sirius and Remus had expected. He was still very obviously nervous, but he was doing a nice job of communicating his thoughts and feelings. 

“I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone, my love….well, I was but it wasn’t for a reason that I didn’t find important to me,” James vindicated. “I care about you and I love you. At the time, that was how I wanted to handle it.”

You didn’t like that answer. The shake of your head and the abrupt sob that escaped your chest let James know that was not a response that you wanted to hear, even if it was the truth. The tears leaked from your eyes and spilled down your cheeks like raindrops racing on a clear glass window. 

“But I don’t want you to handle things like that!” You wailed. “I don’t want you to get in trouble because of me and I don’t want you to hurt anyone!”

James felt a pang of remorse for setting you off again, but if it meant getting his point and apology across – then he supposed it was best. Remus noticed something odd in this quick couple of passing seconds. Your tears were notably genuine and you were clearly distressed….but your tears and your reaction seemed to be more of a panic response than anything else.

“Take a breath, bunny. He’s not trying to upset you,” Remus mediated, moving to sit behind you so you could cuddle up against him. Remus rocked you in response to your choked up cries. “What about this has you shaken up so badly?”

“It-It’s just….I didn’t-” You hiccuped. “Sirius was just so mean.”

The balloon in Sirius’ throat exploded at those words. The tears pooled in his eyes and it took everything he had to hold them back. Remus and James felt sympathetic for Sirius, because they knew that what you had said didn’t help how hard he was undoubtedly being on himself. Sirius’ lips parted as if he was going to say something, but the words still didn’t come. Sirius’ lower lip wobbled as he strained to keep the flooding tears from making their escape. There probably wasn’t anything that he could say to make you think of him the same way again. 

“I think you’re being a little unfair to Pads, bunny.” Remus admitted.

“He feels really, really bad about all of this.” James piped up.

Remus used his sleeve to wipe away your tears, hoping it would help compose yourself better.

“I was so scared that he was going to get hurt and then it’d be my fault,” You blubbered on. “I didn’t want Siri to get hurt.”

Even after all of this, Sirius’ wellbeing had been the root of most of your concern. Sirius felt like such a jerk. He had done just about everything you had asked him not to do and you still were more worried about him. This was one of those things that Sirius knew to be true about how you felt about him. 

Remus cast Sirius a glance, and it stung his heart to see one of his best pals nearly reduced to tears. Sirius didn’t get worked up in this kind of way often – and it took a lot to get him so rattled. 

“Siri isn’t badly hurt, darling. And Siri and Jamesie both love you very much,” Remus professed you. “I know that it wasn’t the best decision, but it only happened because we all love you.” 

“We love you so very much. It won’t happen again.” James assured you. 

Sirius needed to speak. He used whatever brain power he had left to come up with something. A phrase, a word, a noise, absolutely anything that he could. He didn’t care what he came up with, just as long as he didn’t let this moment get away without him asking for forgiveness. If he had to fall to his knees and bawl into your lap and gasp for air between every snivel to show his remorse then so be it. 

But that didn’t happen. His shoulder began to quake with the vibrating weep that was so close to expelling from his chest. It wasn’t until your eyes met his, the same dazzling ones that he found so much faith and comfort in, that he let it all go.

“I’m sorry.” Sirius cracked, and he couldn’t hold back his tears anymore. 

It felt like such a sore apology. After all he had done and said to lead up to this point, “I’m sorry” just didn’t seem that it was even nearly enough. There were millions of more things that he could’ve and probably should’ve said – but that two word infamous phrase was all he could murmur. But as always, you could see Sirius for who he really was. Now was not an exception to the way that you could flawlessly read Sirius without error or misunderstanding. Despite the simplicity of his words, you felt the weight behind them. You heard the sorrow and the contrition in his voice as he said it. You saw the pleading and the silent beg for forgiveness behind his pupils. Maybe on the surface it wasn’t much, and perhaps to anybody else it would’ve been a shitty apology.

But to you, it was a sincere, love wrapped Sirius Black apology.

You sniffed when you crawled away from Remus, maneuvering the short distance between you. Sirius was stunned at first when you wrapped your limbs around him desperately, but he returned it with grace and another sob of contentedness. Sirius buried his nose into your hair, not caring that it irritated and hurt the tender area. That hug was the best embrace that he had ever been given. It spoke so loud and had so many volumes. 

Remus and James shared an alleviating glance. The amnesty was a relief, and while there was some work to be done to get fully back to normal – it was a work that was unquestioned because of its rewarding nature. 

“I love you. So so so much.” Sirius cradled your face in his slender, torn hands.

“I love you, Siri.” You replied, turning somewhat to address the other two. “Remy and Jamesie too.”

With that, the four of you fell into a big cuddle pile as the three of them peppered you with kisses and showered you with affection. There was a peaceful, serene vibe in the air – one that was much more welcomed than the tense one from before. Again, there was some progress to be made and some more conversations to be had, but for now the biggest hurdle had been cleared with ease. It was a straight sprint the rest of the way, and with no obstacles in sight – the end goal seemed like a breeze.

This was a major development moment for the four of you. None of you were perfect, and sometimes it took the hard way to learn from each other’s mistakes. This was not a mistake that Sirius or James would make again, and that was a solid fact. 

Sirius and James had a basket of things to learn from this experience. It was a lesson learned and it motivated them to be much more cool and calm if something like this ever happened again. Once again, Sirius had been forgiven and given yet another chance.

Was it a chance that he deserved? He didn’t think so. However, it was one that he was grateful for nonetheless.

Disclaimer:This blog is strictly 18+, minors please do not interact as that is not something I am comfortable with. Thank you!

Pairing: Remus Lupin x female reader

Summary: You like reading every sort of genre there is to romance. From angst to smut. Remus uncovers this little secret of yours and makes a move which he has been wanting to make for a long time.
Warning: Angst? – idk if it is lol, fluff – its Remus, there’s always fluff with him, smut theme – minors dni.

part two

• harry potter series masterlist

“Until the next meeting, I suggest those without an assigned mission have a rest. We don’t know what to expect in this dark time and need everyone well rested and prepared if anything happens.” Dumbledore glances to everyone in the room as he concludes the meeting for the day.

The meeting was held at Grimmauld Place. Sirius had happily welcomed the order to hold meetings here as it was not known to many.

“I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t be able to rest when chaos could happen at any moment.” Bill said nudging your shoulder, you nodded your head in agreeance.

Everyone woke up from there seats and left the room. Harry, Ron, Hermione, and the others were upstairs – Dumbledore didn’t want to concern Harry more than he already was.

As you made your way out of the room and to the livingroom, with Bill following closely behind, you failed to notice the lingering gaze of Remus.  

When your thoughts dawdle to him, you think of a very strong man who has lived a difficult life. Remus was kind, interesting and always managed to make those around him happy.

You admired him very much, and it was only Sirius who could recognize this admiration as something else. You were so oblivious to your own feelings for him that it made Sirius wonder how you were the most skilled witch he had known.

“Y/n dear, would you please help me with laying the table. It seems the children are too caught up in seeing one another.”

“Sure, no problem.” You replied kindly.

Excusing yourself from the livingroom, you walked down the narrow hallway which led to the kitchen and was about to enter when you bumped into a tall figure.

“Pardon me.” You apologized and looked up, meeting the eyes of Remus.

“My fault, it’s okay.” He said gently resting his hands on your shoulders to steady you.

You smiled at him nervously before slipping into the kitchen. You briefly looked over your shoulder and saw that he was still watching you.

A kind smile on his lips, you gave him a tight-lipped smile before going to Molly and letting her hand you the many plates to set on the table.

While it may make sense to just use a spell to set the table, you took comfort in the domesticity of small household tasks. It reminded you of home.

“Dinner is ready everyone!” Molly’s booming voice echoed in the large house.

Soon you heard the hurried footsteps of Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny. Fred and George, who recently become of age to perform magic out of Hogwarts, just appeared beside a startled Molly.

“One of these fine days I’m going to be the mother of 5 children instead of 7.” She grumbled.

“I agree mum. I personally vote for Ron and Bill to be put up for adoption.” Fred said nonchalantly.

Ron sent him a glare, while Bill came in laughing at the fact that he was very much over the age to be put up for adoption.

Soon everyone was at the table. Harry sat next to Sirius, telling him all about what has been going on in his life, Ginny and Hermione were gossiping, Ron was eating, and the twins were discussing what spells they wanted to try out later.

Bill was sat beside you, speaking very lowly about Fleur and how she is so eager to meet his family, when funnily enough, they didn’t even know he was seeing her.

“I don’t know how to introduce her to them… you know how they can be.” He said with a sad smile.

You understood him, Molly had wanted him to end up with Tonks, who was too busy focusing on her own career to worry about settling down.

You, Bill, and Tonks were all the same age, 24 years old, and attended Hogwarts together.

“If you feel your relationship with her is strong, then I think you should introduce her to them. From what you tell me, Fleur seems like an amazing person.” You give him a reassuring smile.

All he could talk about was her, so he most definitely felt that their relationship was strong.

He took your hand in his and gave it a gentle squeeze as a way to thank you.

The small gesture didn’t go unnoticed by Remus. He had been watching you since dinner had begun.

Remus viewed you as a fire to be reckoned with. While you may seem like the kindest witch in the world, you wouldn’t hesitate to put someone in their place if they did anything wrong to you or someone you cared about.

He bared witness to this when you and he accompanied Mad eye and Tonks on a mission to bring Sirius to safety from dementors.

After dinner, you had helped clear the table and clean up for the night.

It was already late and the majority of everyone had gone to bed since the next day was going to be a long one.

“Do you need help with that?” Remus’ voice spoke from behind you.

You had been trying to put away a plate which was kept in a very high place.

“Yes, please.” You reply softly.

You were about to move out of the way when his hand was placed on the counter in front of you, trapping you between him and the counter. As his other hand reached up to put the plate in its place, you felt his chest briefly brush against your back.

“You know… for a witch you sure do things in a very muggle way.” His voice was soft as he spoke.

“Before becoming a witch, this was my normal.Doing things manually.” You said with a smile.

You were born to a muggle family and got the letter every 11-year-old dreamed of receiving. Your life changed after that, but not everythingchanged.

“… besides, we could all use a little normalcy around here.” You said turning around to face him. He took a step back, otherwise your face would literally have been pressed into his chest.

“That’s true… I’ve been meaning to ask you more about the muggle books you recommended to me-“

“Remus, you’re needed in the livingroom!!” Sirius voice called from down the hallway.

“We can talk about this later?” He asked, to which you nodded.  

You and Remus had one thing in common, you both enjoyed reading. While he may have been older than you, you two got along like a house on fire when it came to books. Which is why in between breaks from missions you two would recommend books to one another.

He would tell you about magical books, while you would tell him about muggle books.

You stood there for a moment, processing what happened. It was a normal interaction, but the body language you two had exchanged with one another made your heart speed up and your thoughts roam wildly.

“Calm down y/n, he was just helping you with plates.” You told yourself before exiting the kitchen to join whoever was awake in the livingroom.

Bill was sat with Fred and George discussing a few things while Sirius and Remus were conversing quietly.

Remus’ eyes met yours briefly before his attention was brought back to Sirius’.

You were about to excuse yourself to go and prepare for bed before Bill noticed you and motioned you over.

“I was summoned.” You joked and sat beside him.

“Yes, I need you to convince these two to continue attending Hogwarts before wanting to join the order.”

Your eyes widened at his statement. Fred and George were still too young to be involved in such business. Even if you were just a few years older than them, you still looked to them as children.

“Your choice in wanting to join is very honorary, but it’s too dangerous right now. You just started to perform magic out of school, there’s still so much more for you to learn at Hogwarts. You can join at the right time, it’s just not right now.” You say with a sad smile.

You could understand their choice, they watched their parents work endlessly and contribute so much of effort into the order, but the last thing Arthur and Molly would want was to put any of their children in harm’s way.

They both looked upset but understood where you were coming from.

Bill, Fred, and George soon decided to go to bed as it was already late.

“I’ll be doing the same as them. Tomorrows a long day for us all. Goodnight.” You say to Sirius and Remus.

“Goodnight y/n.” Sirius waved enthusiastically. Remus lightly pinched him, which made him slightly jump.

“Goodnight.” Remus said with a smile.

You had been tossing and turning for the last hour.

Sleep seemed miles away for you at this point. You had experienced many nights where you weren’t able to sleep and instead stayed up reading, which is what you resorted to now.

You were a hopeless romantic when it came to books. Love for you always seemed like a fantasy thanks to the books you read. Remus noticed this when all the books you recommended him was romance based. Although none of them was quite like the one you were reading now.

“I think it would be better if you left.” He whispered only for her to hear.

“Why should I? Why must I deprave us both from what we both crave the most?” Tears welled up in her eyes as she watched him turn his back to her.

A chocked sob left her lips, which made him turn around and look at her.

“It’s not what you want darling-“

“How do you know what I want, or what is good for me? There isn’t anything except you that is preventing this. For the both of us.” She said on stuttered words.

His eyes watched her, he could see the tears falling down her cheeks and the sadness in her eyes. As he watched her, an emotion of realisation washed over her.

“Unless… unless you don’t want me. Oh my god, I didn’t even think of that. I’m so sorry.” She began to take steps back and away from him.

His eyes widened at her words, and he stepped forward and reached out for her.

“No, that is anything but what I feel… your life would be much better without me in it. I’ve already caused you too much pain.”

A knock at the door took your attention away from your book.

“Come in.” You called out softly.

Remus’ golden-brown eyes peered from behind your door, “I hope I’m not disturbing you. I saw your room light on while I was on my way to bed and wanted to check in.”

“You’re not disturbing anything at all, I was just reading a book since I couldn’t sleep.” You explained holding up the book.

“What book are you reading?” He said stepping into the room, he closed the door behind him.

You sat up straighter when he leaned against the door and waited for your explanation.

“Its another romance novel, about two people who can’t be together… at least that’s what I’ve collected from what I’ve read so far.” You gave him a tight-lipped smile, leaving out the fact that the book had some other scenes which you were too shy to mention.

“Seems interesting, what’s it called and who wrote it?” He asked curiously.

Oof.

“Its called ‘the ghost of you’ by Zenith.” You answer hesitantly. (haha, see what I did there?)

“I’ll add it to my book list… ” He said leaning off the door and moving to open it, “I don’t want to keep you up any longer. Goodnight.”

He stood in the doorway smiling at you.

“Goodnight, Remus.” You said back politely.

The next day was a rush. The Weasley’s were taking their children, along with Hermione and Harry to Platform 9 and 3 quarters.

After a heart felt conversation between Sirius and Harry. You and Remus went back to Grimmauld place to take care of a few things. Bill went to visit Fleur as it had been quite some time since she saw him.

“I suppose now we just do as Dumbledore said and ‘relax’.” You said taking a seat on the sofa.

“I suppose so… although I can’t exactly relax with the full moon approaching.” He said jokingly.

You smiled at his attempt of a joke but knew deep down that the next few days would be difficult for him.

“Where are you going to be during the full moon?”

“There’s a cottage not far from here that no one goes to. Dumbledore found it and said I could use it whenever I needed.” He stated.

Remus had to go through a lot of full moons alone. When you would try to say you’d accompany him, he would insist you didn’t as he didn’t want to put you in harms way.

“Are you going to be alone again? You know I have no problem keeping you company-“

“I appreciate it y/n, but like I said, I prefer to keep you safe. It’s too dangerous, he is too dangerous.” He said leaning his head on the back of the couch and looking up at the ceiling.

“I know Remus, but I don’t like you going through this alone. You have me, Sirius and so many other to help you.” You sighed.

“Everyone has bigger worries at the moment.” He turned his head slightly to look at you.

“Not me, I worry about you.” You said honestly.

A smile made its way to his lips, “That’s the thing about you, I admire how you worry about others.”

A silence embraced the two of you.

There was no one else in the house, but you and Remus. The gaze his eyes held on you was intense and had so much of emotion.

“You’ve got really pretty eyes.” He said reaching his hand over and tucking a stray lock of hair behind your ear.

Butterflies.

“So do you.” You said ever so softly.

The next day Remus had taken it upon himself to loosen up a bit, explore and be as carefree as his life would allow him to be.

He found himself at a familiar bookstore which he frequently visited at one stage. He was in search of a specific book. One that you had recently mentioned to him.

A worker at the store assisted him and found it, “Thank you so much.” He said with a smile and went to sit and read a bit of it.

Before Remus knew it, about 2 hours had passed by and he had read quite a few chapters of the book. As those 2 hours passed by, Remus grew flustered by the words that described very explicit scenes to him.

He had always known that this sort of books existed, but he never knew that youwould be one to read it.

When he realised how much time had passed by, he went to purchase the book and make his way back to Grimmauld place.

As soon as he stepped in through the front door, he could hear the voices of Arthur and Sirius coming from the livingroom. He caught sight of you, Molly and Bill in the kitchen preparing some dinner.

“Remus, I was wondering where you disappeared to.” Sirius’ voice brought your attention to the hallway where you briefly made eye contact with Remus who smiled at you.

His small gesture from the previous day brought emotions you felt only when you read about romance you craved.

“I was just at a bookstore and got lost in time while reading.” You heard him explain to Sirius.

Soon he disappeared into the livingroom with Arthur and Sirius.

“Be careful, you might drool from how hungrily you’re looking at him.” Bill teased as he passed by you.

You flipped him off, which earned a chuckle from him.

“After tonight, I’m going to leave for a few days since the full moon is approaching.” Remus explained as you all sat at and ate dinner.

You perked up at his words and watched as he avoided eye contact.

“I’m coming with you this time; it’ll be like the old days.” Sirius stated.

Remus and Sirius shared a knowing smile with one another. It was no lie that Sirius, James, and Peter would help Remus with his transformations.

You unknowingly released a bit of a loud sigh, which had everyone’s eyes on you.

“Y/n dear, are you okay?” Molly asked concerned.

“Just fine, a little tired from the passed few days.” You quickly explained.

Everyone’s attention was diverted to Sirius who went on to explain some of the days he experienced at Hogwarts.

Bill, who had been sitting next to you, placed his hand on your wrist and silently asked if you were okay, you assured him that you were. Remus had watched the small interaction, feeling concerned at the unsureness in your eyes.

As soon as you were done eating, you excused yourself and made your way to your room.

You knew you should respect Remus’ wishes to not come along with him, but you couldn’t help but worry about him having to go through so much alone. Even with Sirius being there. You saw the damage that was done to him when they first reunited.

Just as you changed into your nightdress, someone knocked at your door. Having a feeling that it maybe Bill, you opened the door with saying, “I told you I’m fine Bill. I’m just tire-“

There stood Remus with his hands in his pocket.

“Hi.” He said amused.

“Hey.” You said slightly embarrassed.

“I… uh- I noticed you weren’t yourself during dinner and came to check on you.” He said matter of fact.

“I’m perfectly fine, just a bit tired.”

He looked at you suspiciously, waiting for you to explain properly because he knew you weren’t being truthful.

“Come in.” You gave in and moved a bit so he could walk inside your room.

He stood aside as you closed the door and walked past him to sit on the bed.

“I don’t want you to be upset, and I know it’s not my place but I’m not happy with you being alone during this full moon. Especially with just coming off from a tiresome mission.” You explained not meeting his eyes.

He smiled at your concern for him.

“I’m not upset. You’ve always expressed your concern, but I won’t be alone this time.” He assured you.

“I know, but Iwant to be there for you.” You said a bit frustratedly.

He grew silent at your words. Remus didn’t know what to say.

“Its too dangerous darling.” He said sadly.

You knew he wasn’t going to give in.

“Promise me you’ll be careful and the moment you need me, you’ll send Sirius to get me.” You said trying to negotiate.

“You have my word.” He took your hand in his and gave it a squeeze.

Wanting to make light of the situation you decided to ask him, “So, I heard you telling Sirius to a bookstore. What book did you get?”

Now this would be interesting, was the first thing that crossed Remus’ mind.

“The one you said you were reading the other night. I’m already about halfway through it.”

Your eye darted to his and you visibly grew tense, “Is that so? What do you think about it?” You tried to play it off cool, like there wasn’t a war going on in your mind.

Nobody knew you read books like that, especially the fact that you liked what you read.

“Very interesting, the details in the book are impeccable. I don’t believe I’ve come across quite such a book.”

He was smiling at you almost on the verge of laughing.

You sigh and know you must explain yourself; you were caught red handed.

“I know its not the usual book you’d think of me reading-“

“Y/n, its okay. You don’t have to explain. There’s no shame in enjoying such things.” He said turning his back to you.

“Not when you haven’t exactly experienced it.” You mutter softly, your eyes widened once you realised, he heard what you said.

He stopped in the middle of his pacing and turned his head to look at you.

“Haven’t experience it?” He questioned.

You wish the ground would open and swallow you whole. It would be much better than exposing the fact you had no sexual experience but enjoyed every moment in what you had recently been reading.

“I haven’t done it before.” You say, trying to play it off cool.

Remus was shocked at your words. To him it was shocking that no one had come along and made you feel enough love to experience such a beautiful thing.

When he saw that you had grown a bit tense from what was being said, he knew he had to ease it and not make you feel guilty about it.

“There’s nothing wrong with that, everyone takes their own time with things.” He assured you, which had you feeling slightly better.

“I know, I guess the only romance I’ve been experiencing is what I read in books.” You joke.

He could see that you were avoiding eye contact, which he didn’t like. You had beautiful eyes which he liked looking at when you spoke to him. He stepped forward and reached up so that he could make you look up at him.

“You deserve to experience a love that could only be found in books.” He said with a genuine smile.

His words brought you happiness. No one had said something like to you. You’d never been in an actual relationship before, there was no time for that when there was so much going on around you.

“You do as well Remus. You deserve a love which makes you happy about who you are. Someone who accepts you for all of you.”

The look in your eyes at that point made something snap in Remus, in that moment he knew what he felt for you was strong, and he knew you reciprocated those feelings.

Which is why he leaned down and connected your lips.

The shock of it took a second to sink in, but the moment it did, you began to kiss him back. Once you did, Remus pulled you closer to him and placed his hand around your neck.

You moaned at the feeling of his hand around your neck, which only encouraged Remus further.

His hand roamed down your body and pushed you on the bed, he then placed himself between your legs and continued to kiss you.

Remus could feel himself growing feral for you, which is why he had to pull away in order to collect his thoughts.

“What’s wrong?” You asked confused.

“I just needed a moment.” He said taking in a deep breath.

“Is something wrong?”

Your brows began to furrow, and you started to feel nervous. Remus could tell you were feeling embarrassed.

“It’s nothing wrong with you darling. With the full moon nearing, my urges become stronger than usual. Having you like this isn’t making that easy.” He chuckled.

Now you were nervous for another reason.

“Oh, I didn’t know that happened.” You said surprised.

“Yeah, besides I want you to have a good first experience, not something that just happened in the moment. You deserve more than that.” Remus said caressing your face.

“professor, please, i know they haven’t done that…” remus pleaded, trailing off after albus dumbledore. “we both know, they’ve just been stupidly loyal like that all of the time…”

dumbledore whipped his head around, a strange, furious twinkle in his eyes.

“remus.” he said sharply. “have you ever heard the story of other two lovers who had thought the same thing about each other and their destiny had been doomed?”

you had to kill the conversation

“where the hell do you keep on going?” sirius said, glaring at remus from under their long eyelashes. “‘cause i am one hundred percent sure you’re not going only where dumbledore sends you.”

“i’ve told you! i’m not allowed to tell you!” remus’ words were almost a growl. “i’m not in the mood for fucking talking.” remus said coldly and went to their room, slamming the door behind him. sirius flinched.

you always had the upper hand

“why do i only go with the werewolves?” a nineteen-year-old remus asked, trailing off after dumbledore. “why can’t i go with my friends?”

“because that,” the older man looked at remus categorically, leaving no place for discussion, “is where you’re useful.”

“but it’s not fair! i-” remus started.

“no buts. do you remember how much i’ve done for you?” dumbledore cocked one single eyebrow. “it’s the time you pay me back.”

got caught in love and stepped in sinking sand

“maybe falling in love with you wasn’t the brightest idea i’ve ever had.”

remus wondered when did they fall out of love. was it with little steps, something that could have been avoidable, that they noticed just a little bit too late? or did they just wake up one day and decide that they didn’t love each other anymore?

nonetheless, the flame of their love had consumed them entirely. lit up by it, like a match, like a cigarette, and burned until nothing but their ashes were left.

you had to go and ruin all our plans

“i’ll be back soon, sirius. i promise”

“you never keep your promise though, remus, do you?” sirius looked up to their lover tiredly. “it’s all just unkept promises”

packed your bags and you’re leaving home

remus always came back late. and sirius would wait, until they got tired of waiting.

got a one-way ticket and you’re all sent to go

and with every single mission, they started to not be sure if they’d want remus to come back or not.

but we have one more day together

and everything would once come to an end. their love, the war; soon enough, even if they were going to be the ones who lost.

so, love me like there’s no tomorrow

they had very few nights of love left. with the uncertainty of war, never knowing the day you would stop waking up next to the one you loved, and everything going around, they’d have to live life to the fullest. even the little they had left.

hold me in your arms, tell me you mean it

so they’d just love each other.

this is our last goodbye, and very soon it will be over

they never knew how to quite make out the difference between sinners and saints. but when their last goodbye would come, they’d know that neither them, nor their lover, had been either.

they had been just fools in love.

but today just love me like there’s no tomorrow

remus turned the tap on, the familiar warm water washing over him.

the sink over which he cut his hair short for the first time, the bathtub in which he lied awake and thanked the heavens above that, even after all that he had gone through, he was still alive, the window where he used to smoke with sirius; it was all painfully alive, overwhelming, being in his natal home again.

from the small bathtub, he could look in the mirror hung up on the wall and, for a second, he saw an old him smiling back. a young boy with big curls of dark hair and a raw mischievousness in him, something that remus resented him for, being able to be so happy, without knowing what the destiny had already prepared for you long ago.

he felt his late mother’s presence there. he breathed the air she once breathed, he could remember her, oh so vividly, now that he was there again. she was still watching over him; she promised she would; that night played over and over in his head again, how he packed her stuff and waited in the hospital room for hours, all alone, until one of them came out and gave hope’s son the news.

she had passed away.

remus sighed. she probably would have been disappointed if she saw where he had ended and where he would have continued to be if it wasn’t for lyall. homeless, addicted.

remus sighed. he wasn’t much of a wrongdoer but god, did he need to wash his sins away.

it had all been an illusion.

many people knew what it felt like to fall in love with sirius black. falling in love with a grin, an only dimple on the right cheek, eyes of mercury gray, and royal eyelashes. falling in love with the courage of a tiger and the heart of a lion. falling in love with the love for the earth’s soil and the fire’s flames.

they’d all fall in love quickly. they never recognized it, until it was too late, and there was no way to surrender from it anymore. they’d stare from afar, their heart shattering. a comparison to the artists’ hanahaki disease, if you will, but it was silent. it always was.

remus thought it would be different for them, though. declarations of undying love over one single cigarette shared in the astronomy tower, feeling the taste of each other’s lips in their mouth, almost addicting. words gasped rushedly in the dead of the night when they thought they wouldn’t find the day of tomorrow and that those words, those words, were the last things that could keep their broken pieces together.

it had been real love, remus thought. maybe his love for sirius would not end tragically. maybe they wouldn’t be just another two actors, playing their play until the end and the curtain draws shut.

but he’d realize bitterly one night, all alone, that it had all been something to fill the little time they had left with each other. sirius never really loved him. it was just another fling, remus would call it, because it wasn’t love. or so, his broken heart thought. or so, his loneliness whispered in his ear. or so, he’d let his thoughts consume him whole.

/: An old fic I wrote ehe. I’m a sucker for angst what can I say. Hope you dearies are ok and enjoy!

: Remus Lupin × Reader

: around 3000

: Fluff/Angst

// . .

As I ran along the corridor, late for class, I bumped into someone with a loud ouch.

“I’m so sorry”

“Hey its no problem, let me help you,” a soft voice responded. As I reached for my potions home work, a hand brushed mine.

Remus John Lupin, my rival. The only person who’s intelligence rivaled mine. The person who makes my life living hell. The sweetest gum-drop to everyone, loved by all. However, I’m not “all.”

“Y/N?” he asked, looking at you with those big brown eyes.

“I’m fine Lupin,” I responded as I grabbed my book from his hand.

“At least let me-”

“I said I’m fine.”

He slowly got up, and offered me a hand. I huffed and shoved it as I stood.

“You know I was only trying to help y-”

“I’ll see you in class Lupin,” and with that I stormed off, leaving a very confused boy.

Now you’re probably wondering, what makes one hate Remus Lupin, the sweetest guy, the glory of the marauders. Well let me tell you, not much.

My mother and his were the very best of friends, there by, we became best friends. Every holiday, every weekend, every opportunity we got, we were at the Lupins. Remus and I grew close. He shared his love for reading with me, a love I always had but never felt so confidence to share with him.

From fantasy to romance, I read it all, but I never shared it with him. The vulnerability I felt knowing he’d see what I enjoyed, what I loved, what I wanted, it was too much. His mum told my mum about his “illness.” He thought himself a freak, a monster. He would cry about it, the pain he felt, the embarrassment of scars. To me, he was all but an angel sent from heaven, beautiful and pure.

Before we began Hogwarts, we made a promise to never leave each other’s sides, to remain best of friends, no matter the houses or the circumstances. As it turned out, we weren’t sorted in the same house. Everyone was shocked knowing that studious Remus was sorted in Gryffindor while me, odd-ball and awkward, was sorted in Ravenclaw. At first we were both shocked, but we kept the promise.

Until one faithful day.

Now while I never shared my love for reading with him, I did share everything else. My love for baking, knitting and potions, you name it, he knew. We shared our darkest secrets with each other. He shared his insecurities about his scars, and me my insecurity about being “fat.” We made plans to open a book/tea shop, he would supply the books and I the tea, obviously. He knew everything about me, except for my reading and I knew everything about him. And for that, I loved him, but he never loved me.

In the beginning of the first year in Hogwarts, in the middle of a potions class, we were presented with amortentia. Why we were presented with such a complex potion at such a young age, I couldn’t tell you. Perhaps Professor Slughorn was feeling cheeky. I smelt him in it.

I smelt the soft worn out pages of the books that he read, I smelt the roses he always grew, his chocolate he always carried and something entirely him. After class, we met at the lake, our place where we’d meet and study. As I approached him, he seemed really tired, as usual, and something I thought I never imagined he would posses, anger, raw and bitter anger.

“Hey Rem, you alright?” He turned to me with puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks.

“Rem oh Gods, whats wrong?” I rushed towards him and slowly wiped his tears away.

“Talk to me, please,” I asked softly while I wiped all evidence of tears.

He looked up at me, those beautiful kind eyes, eyes that held so much emotion but always the best ones.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he said batting my hands away.

I awkwardly fixed my glasses, “Okay well whenever you’re ready, you want to start studying for our potions exam?” I began to unpack my bag when he got up, fuming.

“You know what, yeah I do want to talk about it” I sat up, completely confused.

“Remus?”

“Y/N how is it, the one person, the one person who hates reading, detests it, passes every exam without fail? And not just passes, but tops every class. How?”

I sat there gaping, “Well I-”

“Don’t lie to me, don’t you dare.”

I stood up, a feeling of anger consuming me. “What do you mean Remus? I study just like you, just like everyone.”

He grunted and groaned, “Stop lying to me,” he screamed, “I read everyday, I study all the time, and yet you, you get all the awards, all the academic glory”

I felt myself begin to heat up and tears begin to form, tears I begged not to fall.

“What do you want me to say Remus? That I cheat? That- That I use spells to make me remember? Is that what you want to hear?”

He stared at me, his gaze hardening.

“I’ll give you one chance, and one chance only, tell me the truth.” I step back, gaping, confused.

“I already told you Remus, I do the same as you, I study.”

He looked to me and said in a tone I never believed he could conjure, “Fine, if that’s what you want to tell me, don’t talk to me at all.”

“Remus you can’t be serious.” The tears I tried my best to hold, began to spill furiously as his words made me crumble.

“Y/N, I don’t ever want to talk to you, I don’t want to see you, I don’t want to study with you and I sure as hell-”

“I smelt you in the amortentia today,” I blurt surprising myself.

“You what?”

“I smelt you, the chocolate, the roses, your books,” I say sniffling.

He laughed, a cruel sarcastic laugh, “Oh really? Me? You must be joking?”

I stared at him, confused and hurt.

“You think I’d ever smell you, or like you. Y/N you’re bloody lying to me, I could never like, or for that matter, love someone as hideous as you.”

My eyes began to gush now. How dare he? The one person I trusted, my best friend.

“Remus you don’t-”

“Oh but I do,” he said while he picked up his bag and looked at me.

“What about our plans?”

He looked to the school, “I could never work with someone like you Y/N, I’ve never disliked someone as much I dislike you now.”

He began to walk to the school,

“Remus wait I-”

“Leave me alone forever Y/N, and don’t come here anymore, I have other plans here, plans that don’t include you.”

With that, he walked away, leaving me, my tears streaming, my glasses foggy and my heart broken.

So you see, I never really hated him, but I obliged to his wishes. We never met again, he hung out with his friends, James and Sirius and Peter. As for me, I hung out with the first person I spoke to in Hogwarts, Andromeda Black. Now, Andromeda and I are two very different people, but we shared a love for potions . She knew of my love for reading, she saw me reading on my first night at Hogwarts. We became quick friends, and she soon became my best friend. She’s like a sister to me, but I never did tell her about Remus.

After I left Remus on the corridor, I ran and met Andromeda in potions.

“Hi dearie, saved me a seat?” She laughed and moves her bag.

“Students, please note, today we will be brewing potions in pairs,” the class sighs, “pairs that have already been chosen.” I sighed loudly.

“Cmon its not that bad, you could be paired with that cute Hufflepuff guy.”

We laughed softly. Remus and another guy ran in and swiftly sat down. Professor Slughorn began to call the list of pairs.

“Andromeda Black and Xenophilus Lovegood,” with that Andromeda groaned and got up.

“Y/N Y/L/N and Remus Lupin,” and my mouth fell open.

Remus came to my seat and we began to collect and prepare the potion. No one knew the potions name, only its ingredients. However, these ingredients seemed familiar but it never clicked. I felt his eyes stare through me.

From the first year to the fifth year, my body didn’t really change, I still remained a “fat girl” but hey I grew some boobs. Does he still think I’m hideous, I thought. I shook my head and we worked in silence.

“So how are you Y/N” he asked softly.

Those beautiful innocent eyes stared right through me. Nope, not happening.

“I’m fine Lupin”

“Quite the tumble you took today, I-”

“Let’s just finish this okay?” He shook his head and we worked in silence.

He seemed, nervous? Sad? Distressed was the word. After finishing the potion, we all gathered at the front. Dread began dawn on me as I fit the puzzle pieces together.

“Now, who can tell me the name of this potion hmm?”

“Amortentia , sir,” I said in a soft voice.

“And Y/N can you tell me what happens when you smell this potion?”

“You smell things that you love sir,” I answer shakily.

“Very good Miss Y/L/N, please, do us the honours of smelling the potion first.” Dread filled me, but I still walked towards his desk. Please, I silently beg, please.

“Well Y/N what do you smell?” I inhaled the the aroma.

“I smell- I,” I gulped, “I smell roses, chocolate a-and books.”

Professor Slughorn applauded

and awarded Ravenclaw 20 points and I return to my original place. I felt his eyes on me, but I only felt pain. After four years, how can I? As class is dismissed I began to rush outside, but he grabbed my hand.

“Y/N please wa-”

“Let go of me Lupin”

“Y/N, please I-”

“Lupin let go of me,” I heard my voice break with emotion. He heard it too and let me go.

Later that evening, at the brink of dusk, I sat in my room reading. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, a favourite of mine, and one of Remus’ too.

I sighed and stared out the window. Its been four years Y/N, pull yourself together. Those four years were one of the most brutal years. Thank goodness for Andromeda, without her I’d be so lost and defeated.

After that day where Remus and I fought, he moved on well, he was constantly surrounded by his friends and well I, I was alone. I spent my time helping Madam Pomfrey.

I learnt how to conjure spells to fix injuries and how to fix bones and so on. Although Remus and I stopped speaking, I never told anyone about his “illness,” but I did help make the potion to control it, Madam Pomfrey taught me how to.

He didn’t know this either, not that he’d care or want to talk to me or- Pull yourself together Y/N, he forgot about you, he kept his promise and you did too. I sighed and began to turn in for the night, my mind racing.

To say I avoided Remus for the next week was an understatement, I ran from him. I spotted him the corridor, I ran the other way. Saw him in class? Sat away from him. Saw him in the library or lake? I’d be gone before he could say quiditch. It hurt, but I needed to do it, our last conversation played in my head over and over again. I couldn’t bear his venom again, but I missed him, but could I manage without him? Hell yes.

On the Sunday that week, I walked down the stair well of my common room, wearing a fluffy sweater and cozy joggers. It was exactly midnight and I’d gone avoiding Remus perfectly.

The heavy monsoon of October interrupted my sleep, but otherwise the school was sound. I crept down and checked for anyone. No one, lovely. Now I know what you’re thinking, Y/N what on earth are you doing? Its bloody midnight. Well, I’ll tell you. I was going to read. Due to my hectic schedule and lack of free periods, I spent most of the day working. But at night, it was the only time I read. I grabbed my wand and made my way to the library, my footsteps muffled by the pitter patter of the rain.

As I reached the library, I sighed in relief. No hiccups on the way, thankfully. However, the scent of chocolate lingered in the air. I tensed but brushed it aside, he was here today Y/N, I said to myself. I shook my head and began to search for a new book.

I gently tapped my wand against a lantern and held it. Tonight was a mellow night, I wanted some excitement, a bit of comfort. I sighed, laughing to myself as I grabbed Pride and Prejudice from the bookshelf.

I made my way to my reading nook, a cozy little spot, very hard to find, between the ends of the furthest bookshelves. As I read, my eyes became droopy. Five minute won’t kill me, I convinced myself. As my eyes grew heavy and began to shut, a loud crash jolted me awake.

Who on this bloody earth would be in the library at this hour, I thought to myself. I extinguished the lantern and hid between two bookshelves. I held my breath and counted silently as I heard footsteps approaching. I exhaled slowly as I heard them fade away slowly. I stood up and sighed, picking my book from the ground, making my way back to my nook. Or I would have, if it weren’t for the hand that grabbed me.

I spun around and was promptly shoved against the bookshelf, a warm lean body pressing into my cold soft one. They covered my mouth but I saw no hand, their other hand trapping my hands above my head. They slowly removed their hand from my mouth, and removed their cloak. The warmest brown eyes, eyes filled with emotions I’ve only read about, met mine.

“Remus,” I exhaled in a mix of shock, hurt and relief.

He stared at me, those big thoughtful eyes watching my every move. He took his hand and fixed my glasses that slipped down.

“Hi Y/N,” he said softly. My heart caught in my chest and my throat felt thick with emotions.

“Let go of me Lupin,” despite me being a larger girl, Remus was still stronger, by a lot.

“Cmon Lupin, let me go, I’ll leave and you can have your private time,” I begged looking into those beautiful hazel eyes.

“If I let go,” he whispered softly, his breath tickling my ear, as he leaned in,“will you let me talk for a minute?”

My heart hammered, “Yes.” He slowly let go of my hands and stepped back. I sighed with relief, and then shoved him and ran.

I ran out the library, down the hall. I heard him calling my name but my tears that streamed my face answered why I couldn’t stay. After four years, I never did stop loving my- the big goof. I reached the end of the corridor and ran onto the lawn, a stitch forming in my right side. I gasped as I felt myself begin to freeze in the cold rainy night. Bloody twit used a hex on me. He approached me with a vigor and I stared at him, tears streaming, and my heart hurting.

“What the hell Remus, let me go,” I gritted as I tried to move. He took my wand away and held it.

“Look, I just want to talk, I’ll let you go but please, please listen to me,” he pleaded.

How could I ever say no to that beautiful boy? I nodded as best as I could and he unfroze me, my wand still in his hand.

I stared at him, my tears flowing in torrents, just like the rain,

“What do you want Remus? I did as you asked, I left you alone,” I shout over the boom of thunder. He looks at me and I saw tears flowing down his face too,

“Tell me the truth Y/N”

“Remus I di-”

“No Y/N, tell me why you wake up every night, why you sneak off to the library every night.”

“I-Remus b-”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked, his voice cracking, “You made everyone believe you were uninterested, bored by reading. You lied to me,” I sobbed.

“I didn’t want you to-”

“To what Y/N to judge you?” he stepped closer to me as the rain and soaked our clothes.

“To what, think you a nerd? Like me?”

“No I-”

“Y/N is that really what you think of me, well than-”

“I lied because I couldn’t let myself be vulnerable around you,” I say as I sob looking away, “Remus, I- I didn’t want you to see what I liked or what makes me cry, or angry or happy,” I sniffed as thunder boomed, making us both jump.

“Then why did you tell Andromeda?” I gape at him, “Yeah why?” I felt my anger build up,

“She found me reading one day Lupin, I don’t have to explain myself to you,” I huffed as I began to walk away.

“I smelt you, in the amortentia,” he admitted, his voice thick with emotion.

“In our first year, I smelt you,” he said, stepping closer to me,“I smelt green apples, like your perfume, cookies, like what we baked, and books. Books.”

I stood staring at him but he continued.

“I smelt you but you never told me about how you read, why you’d come to class tired, or why you stayed up all night. I thought you trust me Y/N”

“I did Remus and I do,” I cried, “I just couldn’t afford to be vulnerable around you.”

“Wh-”

“Because I love you Remus,” he stared his mouth ajar,

“I’ve always loved you Remus, I love that you trust me, that you showed me everything, your likes, dislikes, loves, hates, the good and bad.”

The thunder boomed but I continued,

“I didn’t tell you because I was scared Remus, it felt like sharing a piece of my heart with you, and I didn’t know if I wanted to share so much, knowing that you didn’t love me.” I sobbed miserably as tears flow slowly down his cheeks.

“I’m sorry Y/N, I never meant to hurt you,” he cried stepping closer to me,“I know what I said that day, and I’ve never forgiven myself for it,” he said as be wiped his eyes, the thunder rolling.

“I’m sorry and I know I hurt you, I thought you hated me,”

“Remus I-”

“I thought you hated me and preferred Andromeda to me.”

“Rem, you were my best friend, and I loved- I still love you,” I admitted, defeated, “I didn’t want to show you everything, I didn’t want you to hate me.”

He held my hands and intertwined our fingers,

“How could I hate you when you’re my love?” he asked, as he crashed his lips to mine.

My eyes widened but I slowly melted into his embrace. He dropped my hands and pulled me in gasping softly. His hands wrapped around my waist and mine, tangled in his chocolate locks. I never felt such passion, such emotion, emotions I only read about. I felt tingling sensations stretch across my body but his touch soon soothed it.

He pulled away slowly, both of us gasping for air.

“I’ve always loved you Y/N,” he said as he pulled me close, his hands wrapped around my waist,“I’m sorry I hurt you, I’m so-,”

I silenced him kissing him softly,

“It’s okay Rem, I would have probably gotten mad too,” I said sniffling.

He chuckled stroking the small of my back. “Well, I think of a way I can make it up to you.”

“Oh?” I sniffled as I look at my beautiful boy.

“Y/N, you are the love of my life, I love, love, love you,” he held my chin and and makes me look up at him. Raindrops and tears mixed and fell down both of our faces.

“Be my girlfriend, and maybe one day-maybe one-,” I kiss him and he sighs, relieved.

“Yes Rem, I’ll be your girlfriend.”

He hugged me and kissed my forehead. We held hands and walked in the rain, talking and laughing.

“So how on earth did you know that I read in the night?” I asked him.

He laughed and pulled us into the corridor, sopping. He showed me the marauders map and explained it.

“I’m sorry I spied on you,” he apologized blushing. He held my hand and led me back to my common room.

When we reached, I turned to him.

“Thank you for the walk Rem, I’ll see you in class today?”

He smiled his signature gorgeous grin,

“How about we skip today?” I laughed and I kissed him,

“Whatever you want Rem, Whatever you want.”