Summary:songfic inspired by “Moonlight on the River “by Mac Demarco.November 1981.
Pairing:Sirius Black x Male Reader
Key:(Y/N)- your name, (L/N)- last name
Word Count:1300
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I’d say, see you next time, if I thought there were a next time Easy conversation, ain’t exactly where we’re at It’s so strange, deciding, how I feel about you It ain’t like, I ain’t used, to going on without you I’m home, with moonlight on the river, saying my goodbyes I’m home, there’s moonlight on the river, everybody dies I’m home, with moonlight on the river, saying my goodbyes I’m home, there’s moonlight on the river, everybody dies
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The cold autumn night nipped at your nose as you searched. You hadn’t seen Sirius in two days and you were getting worried. Remus was resting as it was your turn to search. You felt dumb for letting him leave that night. You weren’t even sure what he was doing, rumors had started that he was the one who did it. It made your head spin as you cast a small warming spell on your hands, it was so cold.
You reached your door coming back from a fruitless mission to find him, but you noticed a hooded figure waiting at the door. As you got closer you noticed it was Sirius’s sleep deprived face, he looked like he hadn’t slept in the whole 72 hours since he left that morning. Your chest hurt as you approached him, the soft streetlight reflected on his face, stubble sat on his face unshaved, his hair greasy and unkept. It was hard to control yourself, you wanted to scream and shout at him for abandoning you until your voice was lost, yet you wanted to hug and kiss his face softly and cry.
He turned towards you, finally noticing you walking towards. He looked as if he wasn’t there anymore. He wasn’t your Sirius anymore. The man who stood in front of you was a shell of his former self. You almost failed to see the man you knew behind it. It felt too long ago that he was smiling, his hair blowing in the late summer air.
He was trying to say something to you, but your ears were ringing. You couldn’t focus on the words coming from his lips as you stared at them. He was going on about Wormtail, Prongs, secrets, how little time was left and explosions , but all your mind did was wonder to seeing him holding little Harry in his arms making little paper figures dance in the air. You took a step forward, trying to get a better look at who he had become. Maybe he was always this, you thought to yourself. How could you have not seen it?
As if it was an open, warm invitation, Sirius also took a step forward, closing the gap between you, his eyes searching for anything in yours. Anything that could make him believe you trusted him.
“Please don’t come any closer.” You said softly, your voices wavering. Your mind was on an unsteady balance, teetering on the end of caution. You crossed your arms, crawling into yourself. He looked hurt by this.
“You have to trust me.” He said as if he hadn’t been on the run since that night. He looked guilty enough. He looked terrible. You felt awful inside unable to trust the man who held you so sweetly in his arms not even a week ago.
“Did you-” You choked out as your eyes burned. It wasn’t really a question and Sirius had no real answer for it either. He just stood in silence, turning his back away from you. He couldn’t bear to look at you. You both knew what this was. You could feel your throat straining as you tried your best to repress a sob.
“I did something bad. I know.” He admitted guiltily, his eyes failing to meet you. “Something truly awful.” He laughed sadly. His shoulders trembled as he spoke to you. “Something I know you can never forgive me for.” Your eyes widen.
“Sirius, you’re scaring me.” You replied shakily, taking a step back. His voice ripped through his throat as he spoke like he’d been screaming for days.
“Please believe I didn’t mean for it to get here.” He cried out desperately. Couldn’t he just leave you out of something for once. Couldn’t he just die with his friends? Why did he have to be here? Now?
“He was our friend. They were our friends, Sirius.” You were horrified, he killed your friends. You started taking a few steps away from him, he followed the steps until you were backed up against your front door.
“Please believe me.” He begged you, his eyes lit up by the soft streetlight. His facial expressions were desperate for you to say anything he could cling to. He was scared.
“I don’t know w-what to believe.” Tears were freely falling down your face, your throat burned as you spoke, closing and opening as you sobbed, scared.
You screamed for Remus, praying he could hear you. Please don’t be asleep, you thought. You had found Sirius and yet now confronted with him. You were scared. You screamed once more trying to get anyone’s attention. Anyone.
“I’m sorry I did this to you.” He choked out, you looked into his eyes, tears falling down his cheeks. You heard people apparating around you as Sirius graced your memory with one more sad smile. The last sad smile.
“I love you, (Y/N). I hope you can trust me again one day, my dear.” That last thing he said to you, you screamed bloody murder as he got dragged away from you by aurors, but he just let it happen.
“Sirius Black was arrested on suspicion of use in black magic and the betrayal leading to murder of one James and Lily Potter who died earlier this week. The Boy who Lived’s location is yet to be revealed if it ever will. Later Sirius Black was found at the residence of his former (Y/N) (L/N) and known lycanthrope Remus Lupin. They-“ Your stomach felt ill as Remus read the paper to you, you couldn’t bring yourself to even look at it yet.
“Did they have to mention my lycanthropy?” Remus sighed as he read the news. You were still in shock, the cuppa in your hands shaking slightly as you listened.
“Black will be sent to Azkaban without trial being charged for misuse of magic, an account of conspiracy against the ministry and one account of first degree murder for the case of three victims…” Remus fell silent at the end, closing the pages of news. “It’s not that interesting anyway. That was all they had on him. The rest is about Harry.”
“Harry…” You said, looking at your uneaten toast. Your stomach curled further thinking about that poor boy. You missed him. You were supposed to have a birthday party today, Sirius’s birthday. Tears started to fall down your face as you stared harder at your toast. His gift was still underneath your bed. It felt trivial to cry over something like this, thinking about your favourite person in a cold cell on his birthday. The person who murdered and betrayed your other favourite people.
Remus looked like he was barely holding it together either, holding most of himself together trying to help you. You heard a soft tremble of sobs coming from the other side of the breakfast nook. You looked up at him, his head down as tears fell onto the pages of the Daily Prophet.
“He really can’t stay out of trouble.” He said it as if Sirius got caught sneaking cigarettes into the school again. “On his birthday no less. He’s always been for the drama. That bastard.” Remus looked up to meet your eyes, his face distorted in anger and sadness. You couldn’t help crying too, the walls you both put up came crashing down.
Remus was suddenly on the floor in front of you, his head in your lap as he cried violently. You pulled his head up to look at you, wiping the tears on his face, bringing yourself down to him as you hugged him. You buried your face in his shoulder, him doing the same as you both cried until you couldn’t do anything, but tremble in each other’s arms. The last two Marauders, left alone together.
always should be someone you really love! ✿ | r.l.
*:~>#%<~:*
remus lupin x reader (set in the 90s)
warnings: underage drinking, smoking, cussing, making out
sweaty and drunk teenagers filled the room, screaming and dancing their hearts out.
feeling the liquor burn it’s way down my throat, of course this being a sign that i needed to drink more for the burning to go away.
remus was laughing his ass off telling some incoherent story, i was laughing as well because i was so fucking out of it.
“REMUS!!! STOP TALKING!!” i said as i put my hand over his mouth to listen to the song that was playing “THIS IS GIRLS AND BOYS!! BY BLUR!!! GOD DAMON ALBARN IS SO FIT!!! LETS DANCE!!”
i grabbed remus’ arm and dragged him to the dance floor
“streets like a jungle, so call the police”
“following the herd down to greece”
we were dancing like it was the last thing we’d do, “fOollOwing the hErddSss dOwwnwn to gReEcee” remus was singing, god his singing was terrible.
“on holiday, love in the nineties, is paranoid”
“HOLIDAYY NUNUNUNU NINETIES NANANAN PARANOID!!!” “THIS SONG IS SOO GOOD” i screamed “ISN’T THAT RIGHT REM??” “TOTALLYY” he screamed back, as if we weren’t facing each other
we kept stupidly dancing until the chorus came on
“girls who want boys who like boys to be girls who do boys like they’re girls who do girls like they’re boys”
“always should be someone you really love”
“ALWAYS SHOULD BE SOMEONE U REALLY LOOOVEEEE” we said in between laughs
“hey rem, you know what would be so funny?”
“yeah y/n/n?”
“if we made out!”
“hell yeah!! let’s do it”
and with that his tongue was down my throat and my fingers were tangled in his hair. this went on for a little longer than i’d like to admit.
when we were finally sobering up i took a cigarette from his pocked and asked him to light me.
“DUDEEE. REM DID YOU MAKE OUT WITH Y/N” james came screaming into the room, “well fuck me!! i probably did… why?”
“everyone’s talking about it man!” james replied with a laugh
“oh god” remus took the cigarette out of my hand and put it on his lips.
“remus!! song 2 by blur!! let’s dance!!” i said as i heard the drums of the song “i’m tired y/n” “c’moonnn man pleaseee” i whined. “fine” he gave in, “hurry jamie, it’s starting!!”
“woohoo!!!”
we all screamed along to the song
“woohoo!!!”
“hey rem, you know what wound be cool” i said
“yeah?” he replied
“if we made out again!”
“you know what, fuck it” he said and smashed his lips into mine
“god damn, zero respect for the people around you it seems” james said as he walked away
“when i hear heavy metal”
“and i’m pins and i’m needles”
“god y/n, seems like blur makes you horny” remus laughed as i pulled away.
“always man”
god this night was crazy…
———
HELLO??? DID YOU MISS ME??? i apologize for disappearing like that omf. i’m kinda rusty in writing fanfic so this kinda sucks. i fell in love with blur when i was away, also i kissed a bunch of people!! go me!! i’m so gonna be writing fics about many other people and many other universes. my life has changed a bunch since the last time i posted!! i hope i can get back into regularly posting again, lots of love -syd
warnings: angst, break up, cussing, self harm, i wrote this based off of my experience with self harm. reader discretion advised.
not proofread cause booooriiiiinnggggg also moony write a happy fanfic challenge <//3
read me: guys, i’m so sorry for not writing in so long. god, days have really flown. i was in an intense writers block, but yesterday i saw an interesting stranger whom without a word spoken already had my heart. i really hope i see them again soon, it sucks and it hurts to not even know their name, it’s frustrating that i can’t do anything about it. they’re perfect, i hope we meet again soon. i wrote a song about them because i felt things too strong to keep inside. i’m glad i started writing again, i missed it. now, traitor, a sirius black story:
(lyrics in purple)
brown guilty eyes and little white lies
yeah, i played dumb but I always knew
that you’d talk to her,
maybe did even worse, i kept quiet so I could keep you
guilty eyes with unspoken words looking back at me, making me feel small and stupid for acting like i never knew.
you talked to her behind my back, at first i just thought it was your friend since you clearly had no trouble in making them, but i didn’t believe you did even worse.
of course, like a child in love for the first time, which was what i was at the time, kept quiet.
i couldn’t lose you.
and ain’t it funny
how you ran to her
the second that we called it quits?
isn’t it funny? how when i finally got the courage to confront you about it, it ended in a big fight, you blaming me for not trusting you.
whenyouwe called it quits, the person who brought you comfort was her. not your friends, clearly not me, her.
and ain’t it funny
how you said you were friends?
now it sure as hell don’t look like it.
when i even thought about bringing it up, or stared too long, you said you were friends. yet every time i asked you how your day was, or what was on your mind, you brought her up.
the way you have your arm around her, or the loving look you have on your face when she’s around. i don’t blame you, how couldn’t you? her dark brown eyes, her smooth dark skin, her long fluffy hair, there was nothing not to love.
you betrayed me
and i know that you’ll never feel sorry
for the way i hurt
i wonder if you remember our promise, we would be together through thick and thin, together forever. that went to shit.
the way you love her will never make you feel sorry for all the restless nights i spent, or the cuts scattered on my thighs, the eye bags that became something normal for me to have. you never payed it any mind.
loved you at your worst
but that didn’t matter
when you needed someone, i was always there. dropped anything, important or not, so you could have a shoulder to cry on. did the impossible to make you feel alright.
but none of the mattered.
it took you two weeks
to go off and date her
guess you didn’t cheat
but you’re still a traitor
it only only took two weeks to hear everywhere how you were with her.
how much you loved her.
and almost nothing to see you guys attached to the hip, like we once were.
you didn’t cheat, you stayed there with me but in the end were never really present.
but you still betrayed me, told me cheap lies to which i was too in love to not believe.
now you bring her around
just to shut me down
show her off like she’s a new trophy
it’s like everywhere i go, you’re magically there, with her.
so many days ruined and nights spent crying because of your new trophy.
and i know if you were true
there’s no damn way that you
could fall in love with somebody that quickly
all the ‘i love you’s and ‘i’ll never leave you’ went to shit.
if you loved me as much as you told me the night you broke my heart, there’s no way or explanation on how you lover her so much. it’s been two weeks, sirius, two weeks.
ain’t it funny
all the twisted games
all the questions you used to avoid?
so all the “baby, she’s nobody” “don’t worry about it hun” “don’t say that” “i love you, not her” were all lies, love really blinded me and fucked me up this time.
“siri, who’s that girl you’re always hanging out with?”
“y/n! you’re just paranoid. just because you’ve had shitty partners doesn’t mean i am. stop being paranoid, it’s annoying.” that hit low. he was so cruel weeks prior to the breakup, how didn’t i see it coming.
god, i wish that you had thought this through
before i went and fell in love with you
the red lines on my thigh appear from the night before. being just a reminder of how i can’t feel anything, my favorite things go unnoticed now. you broke me. i wish you had thought it through before you let me fall in love with you
don’t you dare forget about the way
you betrayed me
you really fucked me up. i let a bunch of things and red flags go “unnoticed”. I’ve tried my best to be as supportive for you.
one thing i promised myself because of the shred of dignity i have left, is how i swear to god i wont let you forget about how you betrayed me.
—
a/n: i hope you guys find this story to your liking, it’s the first thing i’ve wrote in a while and i don’t know how to feel about it. if you could, please tell me what you thought about it. thank you :) -moony<3
Sirius and James had shuffled behind Professor McGonagall across the castle to Dumbledore’s office. They had hung their heads low, and kept their eyes on their shoes to avoid getting a sense of what kind of trouble they were in. Based on the way McGonagall had spoken to them, and the way she had practically dragged them out of The Great Hall by their collars – they already had a pretty good idea. Professor Slughorn had assisted in getting Sirius’ victim up to the hospital wing to see Madam Pomfrey, because the boy could hardly even stand on his own two feet.
McGonagall sat Sirius and James down in Dumbledore’s office, threatening them with an even heavier punishment if they tried to escape before Dumbledore could get there. James and Sirius sat in silence while they waited. The incident replayed over and over in their minds as their adrenaline and initial fury began to fizzle out. The longer they sat and pondered, the more worried they became. The punishment that was inevitably coming was nothing compared to the guilt that they felt. The nauseating remorse was punishment enough for what they had done. No, they weren’t guilty for what they had done – rather they were guilty for the effects of what they had done.
Specifically, how it had affected you.
“Did you see the look on her face?” Sirius asked quietly to his friend that was sitting right next to him.
Sirius was beginning to feel really terrible. The stinging pain in his battered nose was nothing compared to the ache of culpability that he felt in his chest. He knew that he had messed up. He had messed up really, really bad.
“Yeah….” James replied simply. “I didn’t mean to upset her.”
James was disappointed in himself. James knew that he could be hotheaded. James knew that Sirius could be that way too. When both of them got revved up and angry at the same time, in most cases, James was usually more likely to calm down before things escalated – and most times Sirius could calm down too as long as James didn’t completely let his emotions bubble over. James had let himself get out of control, and part of him thought that he could’ve aided the situation if he had kept his composure.
“Me either. If that fucking bastard had kept his mouth shut then I wouldn’t have even….” Sirius trailed off from his original thought, because he knew that making excuses wouldn’t help his case. “This is my fault, Prongs. I knew better than to let it get to me like that. I didn’t mean to get you involved.”
James shook his head, cradling and gingerly massaging at the soreness in his knuckles. His hands were mild compared to Sirius – his hands were torn, shredded, and busted to hell.
“You’re not responsible for the way I reacted. My actions were on me,” James dismissed. “It’s times like this that remind me how much better Remus handles stuff.”
Sirius and James shared a light chuckle, a laugh that was more for breaking the tension more than anything else. Their amusement didn’t last long, because the moment that Dumbledore’s entrance was made, they were right back to cowering in their seats.
As predicted, James and Sirius were seriously scolded for what happened – although, Dumbledore’s discipline was much mellower than Professor McGonagall’s. Dumbledore had cut them some slack before, but those instances had always been much less severe. It seemed that Sirius Black and James Potter’s luck had finally run out, because they were sentenced to Friday afternoon/evening detention for the rest of the term as well as hand-written, lengthy apologies. Despite the grueling tedious and two and a half month punishment, the boys had honestly been expecting much worse. To be honest, James and Sirius were notorious for being able to get out of pre-established sentences, so they didn’t sweat it much. Besides, the punishment was the absolute last of their worries.
They left Dumbledore’s office in a hurry, hardly seeing the need to stick around for any longer than necessary. It was fairly late by the time they were finished, nearing around 9’o o'clock or so. The Great Hall was long cleared out, and mostly all of the students had returned to their House towers for the evening. There were a few stragglers here and there as the boys traversed the corridors together to get back to their dorm, but none of them were anyone they were interested in seeing.
“How’s your hand, mate?” James questioned when he noticed that Sirius was cradling his hand that had taken more damage than the other. “We can swing by Pomfrey’s if-”
“No. I can get fixed up in the morning,” Sirius denied. “I want to talk to her first.”
Sirius was determined to get this resolved before it had time to sit too long. Sirius was beginning to think that his whole “do now, ask for forgiveness later” motto might’ve been in poor taste. He needed to explain himself before you had enough time to think on it to get the wrong idea.
Sirius was taking this harder than James was. It was understandable, considering that Sirius had started it. Sirius genuinely and truly had been working on himself. Sirius had been trying to understand his emotions and his short temper better. He had been trying to practice patience and improve his communication skills. In the last few years, Sirius had learned and saw firsthand how his ego could hurt those around him. For the most part, Sirius had improved on all cylinders – but every now and then, he’d slip up far worse than anything he had ever done previously.
Sirius could only imagine you right now. Sirius had undoubtedly made a horrible day even worse. He saw you reduced to a puddle of tears and a chorus of sobs, clinging to Remus for consolation – wailing and blubbering about how much you hated Sirius for being so quick to react in unacceptable ways. That thought alone caused a hot rise in Sirius’ throat. He’d never be able to forgive himself if he was the reason that you ever came to detest him or either of the other two.
It frightened him as well, because that part of himself was something that was hard for him to control.
“Are you sure? To be honest, you really look like shit.” James asked again, continuing to walk alongside Sirius.
Sirius didn’t even have a snarky remark for that. If Sirius looked even an ounce as he felt, then he was sure that James’ statement was true. A bloodied nose and battered face and hands wasn’t a good look for Sirius – no matter how good the glory of a violent victory felt.
“I’m sure. I’ll deal with it later.” Sirius confirmed, and James didn’t ask again.
By the time they reached the dorm, anxiety had done its job of making them both a spiral of nerves. James felt like he was going to be sick, because he truthfully didn’t have even an inkling of what he was going to say. What could either of them say? They had shown a less than pleasant performance, and had gone against your wishes in a way that was far worse than anything you could’ve imagined. They had messed up, and they knew it.
Sirius and James were slow as they entered, peeking their heads around the door rather than entering fully. Sirius’ mental image wasn’t met when they caught the first glance of the inside of their dorm. You weren’t wrapped around Remus in a desperate manner. There were no sounds of crying or obvious upset. The only inhabitant of the room was Remus, who was standing at the circular mirror on the wall. He examined his face, peering at his right cheek that had been struck from a stray punch during the scuffle. Compared to Sirius, it was nothing more than a scratch.
“Where is she?” James asked, not wasting any time getting to the point.
Remus sighed, shaking his head and turning from the wall to look at them.
“I don’t know.” Remus admitted.
Sirius’ stomach sank to his feet and bounced back up into his throat. If you weren’t here, then there was no telling where you had run off to.
“You don’t know?” Sirius questioned. “How do you not know where she is?”
“Well after you two decided to beat that guy to a pulp, I was pulled aside for questioning on your behalves….since McGonagall had you two tied up with Dumbledore, I had to do all the explanations everywhere else,” Remus revealed. “She was gone before I could go after her.”
“Do you have any idea where she is?” Sirius asked next in hopes of Remus maybe having an idea of where you could’ve gone.
“She’s probably with Lily and Marlene. They went looking for her when I got caught up.” Remus answered, his arms crossing over his chest.
James piped up this time. His jitters were so strong that he couldn’t even stand still.
“They’re probably in their dormitory.” James announced, looking at Sirius as if to communicate with him that they needed to go.
Remus caught the look, and stopped them before either of them could even take a step.
“I wouldn’t do that. She’s upset enough as it is. It might be best to let this sit until morning.” Remus advised, and Sirius disagreed.
“Remus, we can’t wait that long.” Sirius argued, his voice weighty and determined.
“Might I remind you that she is not happy with either of you right now,” Remus fired back. “Let it go for tonight. We’ll settle it in the morning.”
Remus had a point, but they really wished that he had been wrong for once. If nothing else, it would give them a little more time to think about what they were going to say.
“It’ll be fine, mate. Just give her some time,” Remus approached them, clapping his hands on each of their shoulders. “Come on. Go get yourselves cleaned up.”
James managed to get washed up much more quickly than Sirius. That wasn’t surprising, considering that Sirius had taken a worse beating than James had. James chatted and talked about anything that he could to anyone that was listening. James talked when he was nervous – the running of his mouth distracted him. James was cleaned and fixed up in about ten minutes, and he looked significantly better. While he looked better, he surely didn’t feel any better. He crawled into his bed once he was washed up, preparing for a sleepless night and several hours of tossing and turning. James could never sleep when he had an anxious mind, and it happened more often than most people would’ve thought.
Remus had gone to bed shortly after James, leaving Sirius to his lonesome to tend to his injuries. Sirius stood at the sink in the washroom, looking at himself in the mirror as he carefully wiped at the dried blood under his nose and around his mouth. As the blood remoistened, it dripped down his chin and soaked into the rag that he was using to get clean. He rinsed the rag out into the sink, watching the pink-stained water flood down the drain in almost an instant. His knuckles hurt the most, and his eyes involuntarily filled with tears when he cleaned them under the stream of water. He winced a few times at the tender, stinging flesh on his upper lip that was painfully sensitive when he touched it. It probably needed stitches, but Sirius didn’t feel much like getting it taken care of.
He couldn’t get you out of his head. Every passing thought was related to you. Your quiet plea to leave the situation alone replayed over and over in his head, like a record needle stuck on the same groove. He couldn’t get the image of your tearful eyes, the same ones that were usually so full of adoration and love, looking at him with horror and disappointment. That was the hardest part of this whole thing for him. He could get over you being mad or you being annoyed with him – those were things that he could come to terms with. But the thought of you being disappointed in him, the mere idea of you having any kind of displeasure for him absolutely killed him. He only had himself to blame for that, and blaming himself is exactly what he was doing.
He glared at his reflection that stared back at him. His swollen eye and busted lip were prevalent, and they were a sight to see. The throbbing in his eye and the heat coming off of it practically unnoticeable compared to the anger that he felt in his heart for himself. He found himself lost in his own eyes, drowning in the pools of gray that he was picking apart every aspect of.
Sirius had messed up so many times, and each time felt worse than the last. He wanted to be a good person. He wanted to be the best man that he could be for you, the boys, and himself – but it seemed that the more time that went by, the more that Sirius realized that he’d never be the man that he wanted to be. Sirius would admit that he regretted more of himself than he praised.
It was moments like this that reminded Sirius Black of the hate that he harbored for himself. Sirius was critical of himself. He could easily write himself off and present himself as a “go with the flow” or a “it is what it is” kind of guy. For the most part, that was what he did. He had painted this picture of himself and constructed this facade for others to view him as confident and sure with everything. That was one of the endless things that he admired about you – you had always been able to see straight through his false image.
He didn’t see anything good when he looked deeper into himself. He saw a hateful, spiteful, and dishonorable man that wasn’t worth the time of day and that didn’t deserve the warm drink of your love that you overfilled his cup with over and over again. Sirius knew that he didn’t show it enough, and he knew damn well that he didn’t say it enough – you meant absolutely everything to him. Sirius couldn’t put it into words, and oftentimes he had a hard time revealing it in his actions. Sirius couldn’t understand how he could love someone so much when his heart was so full of resentment. And the part that he really didn’t understand was how someone with such a pure, loving heart such as you could even spare someone like him a passing glance. You shouldn’t have given him anything. Sirius found guilt within himself that you loved someone like him. You deserved someone better – someone who wasn’t like him.
You were every flower in a summer field on a hot July day. You were the peaceful rainbow after every raging rainstorm. You were the calculated answer to all of his burning questions. In a black night sky full of glittering, dancing stars – you were every single one. After all of Sirius’ wrongs that seemed to outweigh the rights, he hoped and he prayed that he would be even a single being in your universe.
****
As predicted, neither James nor Sirius slept any real amount. They rolled and shifted in their beds all night trying to get comfortable enough to get some sleep – but they couldn’t find a position that slowed their racing minds. For a Saturday morning, they were up and going much earlier than usual. Sirius’ head perked up from his pillow when he heard James’ feet hit the floor, his good eye squinting to peer at him in the morning light. James noticed his stare, and grimaced at how Sirius’ appearance had changed overnight. His eye had swelled and turned a gnarly shade of black and blue, and his lip was red and irritated.
“Did you sleep?” James asked, his voice groggy with exhaustion.
“No.” Sirius replied as he watched James sluggishly pull a t-shirt over his shirtless frame.
“Me either,” James remarked. “Where’s Moony?”
Sirius’ sat up on his elbows to look over at Remus’ bed, and he was surprised to see that the bed was neatly made and arranged as it always was whenever he was out for the day. His Gryffindor robes were draped over his trunk that was stationed at the end of the bed, which was an indicator that he’d be back soon.
“He probably went to get breakfast,” Sirius guessed, groaning at the screaming soreness in his muscles when he sat up completely. “I hurt so bad.”
“I don’t doubt it.” James came to the side of Sirius’ bed, offering a hand to get him on his feet.
Truthfully, Sirius didn’t hurt as badly once he was up and moving around. He slowly dressed himself and was careful not to accidentally aggravate his hand or his face. He felt like he had been hit by a train, and he was sure that he didn’t look much better. James and Sirius dragged themselves silently around as they got ready, not bothering to look overly presentable for a regular Saturday. Their movements were laggy and tortuous as they maneuvered around, because they both hurt something awful. James was positioned on the end of his bed, his left foot cautiously propped on his right thigh as he tied the laces on his shoes. His mind hadn’t stopped reeling for well over twelve hours now, and the longer it went unresolved, the worse that it got.
“Hey, Pads?” James called, only continuing once he had Sirius’ attention. “Do you think she’ll forgive us?”
Sirius didn’t have a chance to answer, and he was thankful that he didn’t have to. The door to their dormitory opened, and Remus entered with smuggled food balanced in his hands. He had wrapped up some easy breakfast to-go items for the other two, because he figured that they didn’t feel up to sitting down for a meal.
“Hey, Moony.” Sirius greeted casually.
“Hey. I brought you two some breakfast,” He announced, splitting the pile evenly between the two of them. “I figured you were hungry.”
They were starving, considering their dinner was cut short the night before. James needed some nutritional energy to hopefully settle his nerves, his fingers working diligently to peel the skin off of the banana in his hand. As hungry as Sirius was, he was positive that he wouldn’t be able to hold anything down long enough to sustain him with any real nourishment. Sirius’ was visibly troubled as he looked at Remus with a look of expectation. Sirius had waited, and he had waited long enough.
“I talked to Lily,” Remus began. “She said that everything is fine.”
James spoke through bites of banana, his voice muffled as he made an attempt to talk.
“How is she?” James asked, referring to your current state.
“Lils said she’s on and off….and still not happy with any of us,” Remus recalled the information that Lily had shared with him. “But more so with you two.”
“What is she mad at you for?” Sirius’ question fell from his mouth before he had any real time to think about the answer.
“I think she’s upset with all of us for getting involved one way or another,” Remus remarked, and it hurt his heart just as much as the other two to know you were dissatisfied with him. “Once you two finish eating we can go.”
James suddenly finished the last of his curved fruit in one big bite, forgetting about the rest of his wrapped goodies until later.
“Let’s go now.” He gargled through chewing, tying his other shoe quickly and rising to his feet.
Sirius wanted to get this over with. Not because he was dreading it or wanted to get it resolved the easiest, quickest way – but because he wasn’t sure how much longer he could handle the guilt. It was miserably slow as it ate away at him, and he needed to get his sincere apology heard. The boys regrouped with one another and left their dorm, preparing for whatever kind of reaction they were going to get from you. They were quiet as they walked down the boys’ staircase and up the girls’.. There really wasn’t much that could be said, because at this point it had all pretty much been said. Sirius let out a shuddering exhale when your door came into view as they turned a corner. Remus heard his noise of stress, and took a moment to reassure both him and James.
“Take it easy, mate,” Remus smiled at his two best pals. “It’ll all be fine.”
They sure hoped that Remus was right, because if it wasn’t going to be fine – then they had no idea what they were going to do.
Remus took the lead on this. His light knocks on the large wooden door were dulcet in an attempt to avoid making too much noise. It was still fairly early, and most of the inhabitants of the Gryffindor tower were still sleeping. The last thing Remus wanted was to wake anybody up and cause another kind of stir.
James and Sirius shifted on their feet from where they stood behind Sirius. Their fidgeting from the heightened anxiety wasn’t even worth hiding, and hiding it honestly made it worse. Sirius’ heart skipped a couple of beats when the knob turned to open the door from the inside. Lily was the one who appeared in the now open doorway, her emerald eyes looking at the three of them standing together. Lily didn’t bother with a greeting, because none of them were there to see her.
“She’s in bed. She won’t get up,” Lily stated, keeping her voice hushed. “Just….try not to upset her any more.”
Lily was tired. She and Marlene had been up most of the night trying to console you the best that they could. With a little time and patience, they had managed to get you calmed down enough to get some sleep. They weren’t sure how restful it was, but at least it gave you some kind of break.
Remus nodded at her request, taking glacial steps inside when Lily stepped aside to allow them in. Marlene was gone for the morning, and Lily was going to follow suit once you were aware that they were there for you. You were curled up on your mattress, half underneath the sheets with your back towards the door. Lily moved to the side of the bed that you were facing, signaling for the boys to wait for a few moments.
“Hey….” Lily tilted her head as she looked down at you. “The boys are here.”
Lily had honestly expected you to start crying again when your eyes flickered up to hers. They were glassed over with remnants of tears, but the tears didn’t fall.
“They want to talk to you. Will you speak with them?” Lily questioned in her lightest, sweetest tone. Lily glanced up for a moment at Sirius, who was so pale that he looked ghostly. “I think Sirius could use a hug.”
James felt his halfway breakfast churning in his stomach. Now he had wished that he had decided to brave this on an empty stomach. When you sat up from your balled up position, they straightened up and stood a bit taller to look more confident in their presence. Lily smiled at you, and told you that she was going to be heading out for a little while. Once Lily was gone, it was just the four of you in the quiet room. They were frozen still until you looked over first.
Your gaze landed on Sirius first, and you couldn’t help the look of shock and alarm on your expression at his tyrannized face and abused hands. You hadn’t expected him to look so bruised and roughed up.
“Hey there, bunny.” Remus said first, approaching you cautiously.
He sat on the free space on the side of the bed, and Sirius and James didn’t know what to do other than to copy Remus’ motions.
“Hi, puppy.” Sirius greeted as neutrally as he could.
He was nervous, and it was a visible tell.
“Hey, angel.” James offered a small smile.
James was even more nervous, the slight shake in his hands giving it away.
“Hi.” You squeaked, and all three of them immediately felt the tiniest bit of relief.
This felt more standard. The three of them huddled around you in whatever open space they could get comfortable in on the small Hogwarts’ beds. The context of the conversation wasn’t ideal, but at least the familiarity of the positioning offered some delay in the tense atmosphere. The beats of silence that passed weren’t awkward, but rather hesitant. Everything that James and Sirius had come up with to say had vanished into the abyss of their subconscious. They were flying blind now, and whatever they were going to say was going to be whatever they could come up with.
“You look tired.” You spoke feebly, looking at James with the intentions of your words.
James was the most tired of all three of the boys. You weren’t wrong that it showed on his face, and he hoped that this would be settled well enough so that he could sleep the rest of the day.
“Oh, I’m a little tired,” James replied. “Just worried about you.”
The edge of the sheet over your lap was in your hands as you fiddled with it. The fact that all three of them were nervous on different levels made you nervous. Sirius was sitting at the foot of the bed, dragging his fingertips back and forth across the soft material of your blanket. He was doing it as a sensory distraction, and he hoped that it would relax him enough so that he could actually come up with something to say.
“We’ve all been worried about you,” Remus added. “You were very upset last night.”
There was a beat. A silence. And then a response.
“I asked you not to say anything.” You mumbled, toying with the sheet as you avoided any and all eye contact.
None of them knew who exactly you were referring to, but the burning ditch that opened up in Sirius’ gut gave him a pretty good idea. Despite his initial aggravation, Remus knew that neither Sirius nor James had acted the way that they had with the intent of disquieting you. He knew his friends inside and out, and he knew how they felt about you. No price was too big for the sake of defending you. Remus was pretty sure that you knew that as well, but he also understood where you found discomfort with the fact that they had acted that way after you had asked them not to.
“They were saying bad things about you, lovely. We couldn’t just let them say that.” James continued as charily as he possibly could.
He wasn’t trying to argue. He just wanted to explain the situation as coherently as he could.
“I deserved it,” You replied back. “I was stupid during Potions yesterday.”
“You weren’t stupid, and that doesn’t excuse what he said, princess. Never, ever should anyone talk about you like that.” Remus backed James up.
Sirius was silent. There weren’t any words coming to or from his brain. He was so embarrassed and ashamed of himself that he didn’t even know how to articulate anything. All he could do was listen and watch the best that his frazzled mind possibly could. He was so indignant with himself and so dispirited that he didn’t blame you for not accepting his apology.
“You didn’t have to be so….violent.” You muttered, and now the shared spotlight was shining on James and Sirius.
Neither of them really had much of a good explanation for why that was their best resolution to the problem. They could go on about how they could be hot headed and short-tempered….but that wasn’t one of those arguments that would hold up very well. Sirius felt a fiery balloon swelling in his throat – when that balloon popped, the waterworks were going to come with it.
James was handling this much better than Sirius and Remus had expected. He was still very obviously nervous, but he was doing a nice job of communicating his thoughts and feelings.
“I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone, my love….well, I was but it wasn’t for a reason that I didn’t find important to me,” James vindicated. “I care about you and I love you. At the time, that was how I wanted to handle it.”
You didn’t like that answer. The shake of your head and the abrupt sob that escaped your chest let James know that was not a response that you wanted to hear, even if it was the truth. The tears leaked from your eyes and spilled down your cheeks like raindrops racing on a clear glass window.
“But I don’t want you to handle things like that!” You wailed. “I don’t want you to get in trouble because of me and I don’t want you to hurt anyone!”
James felt a pang of remorse for setting you off again, but if it meant getting his point and apology across – then he supposed it was best. Remus noticed something odd in this quick couple of passing seconds. Your tears were notably genuine and you were clearly distressed….but your tears and your reaction seemed to be more of a panic response than anything else.
“Take a breath, bunny. He’s not trying to upset you,” Remus mediated, moving to sit behind you so you could cuddle up against him. Remus rocked you in response to your choked up cries. “What about this has you shaken up so badly?”
“It-It’s just….I didn’t-” You hiccuped. “Sirius was just so mean.”
The balloon in Sirius’ throat exploded at those words. The tears pooled in his eyes and it took everything he had to hold them back. Remus and James felt sympathetic for Sirius, because they knew that what you had said didn’t help how hard he was undoubtedly being on himself. Sirius’ lips parted as if he was going to say something, but the words still didn’t come. Sirius’ lower lip wobbled as he strained to keep the flooding tears from making their escape. There probably wasn’t anything that he could say to make you think of him the same way again.
“I think you’re being a little unfair to Pads, bunny.” Remus admitted.
“He feels really, really bad about all of this.” James piped up.
Remus used his sleeve to wipe away your tears, hoping it would help compose yourself better.
“I was so scared that he was going to get hurt and then it’d be my fault,” You blubbered on. “I didn’t want Siri to get hurt.”
Even after all of this, Sirius’ wellbeing had been the root of most of your concern. Sirius felt like such a jerk. He had done just about everything you had asked him not to do and you still were more worried about him. This was one of those things that Sirius knew to be true about how you felt about him.
Remus cast Sirius a glance, and it stung his heart to see one of his best pals nearly reduced to tears. Sirius didn’t get worked up in this kind of way often – and it took a lot to get him so rattled.
“Siri isn’t badly hurt, darling. And Siri and Jamesie both love you very much,” Remus professed you. “I know that it wasn’t the best decision, but it only happened because we all love you.”
“We love you so very much. It won’t happen again.” James assured you.
Sirius needed to speak. He used whatever brain power he had left to come up with something. A phrase, a word, a noise, absolutely anything that he could. He didn’t care what he came up with, just as long as he didn’t let this moment get away without him asking for forgiveness. If he had to fall to his knees and bawl into your lap and gasp for air between every snivel to show his remorse then so be it.
But that didn’t happen. His shoulder began to quake with the vibrating weep that was so close to expelling from his chest. It wasn’t until your eyes met his, the same dazzling ones that he found so much faith and comfort in, that he let it all go.
“I’m sorry.” Sirius cracked, and he couldn’t hold back his tears anymore.
It felt like such a sore apology. After all he had done and said to lead up to this point, “I’m sorry” just didn’t seem that it was even nearly enough. There were millions of more things that he could’ve and probably should’ve said – but that two word infamous phrase was all he could murmur. But as always, you could see Sirius for who he really was. Now was not an exception to the way that you could flawlessly read Sirius without error or misunderstanding. Despite the simplicity of his words, you felt the weight behind them. You heard the sorrow and the contrition in his voice as he said it. You saw the pleading and the silent beg for forgiveness behind his pupils. Maybe on the surface it wasn’t much, and perhaps to anybody else it would’ve been a shitty apology.
But to you, it was a sincere, love wrapped Sirius Black apology.
You sniffed when you crawled away from Remus, maneuvering the short distance between you. Sirius was stunned at first when you wrapped your limbs around him desperately, but he returned it with grace and another sob of contentedness. Sirius buried his nose into your hair, not caring that it irritated and hurt the tender area. That hug was the best embrace that he had ever been given. It spoke so loud and had so many volumes.
Remus and James shared an alleviating glance. The amnesty was a relief, and while there was some work to be done to get fully back to normal – it was a work that was unquestioned because of its rewarding nature.
“I love you. So so so much.” Sirius cradled your face in his slender, torn hands.
“I love you, Siri.” You replied, turning somewhat to address the other two. “Remy and Jamesie too.”
With that, the four of you fell into a big cuddle pile as the three of them peppered you with kisses and showered you with affection. There was a peaceful, serene vibe in the air – one that was much more welcomed than the tense one from before. Again, there was some progress to be made and some more conversations to be had, but for now the biggest hurdle had been cleared with ease. It was a straight sprint the rest of the way, and with no obstacles in sight – the end goal seemed like a breeze.
This was a major development moment for the four of you. None of you were perfect, and sometimes it took the hard way to learn from each other’s mistakes. This was not a mistake that Sirius or James would make again, and that was a solid fact.
Sirius and James had a basket of things to learn from this experience. It was a lesson learned and it motivated them to be much more cool and calm if something like this ever happened again. Once again, Sirius had been forgiven and given yet another chance.
Was it a chance that he deserved? He didn’t think so. However, it was one that he was grateful for nonetheless.
Title: Absurd ideas Pairing:Sirius Black x Female!Reader and Remus Lupin x Own Character Word count: 4.7k Published: 12 January 2021 Author: Heloise Daphne Brightmore Notes: Not my best work, but I hope some of you will enjoy it. Summary: Sirius’ jealousy causes a misunderstanding which inevitably ends up with him getting worked up and everyone else being confused. Most of all you, when you realise he thinks he knows what you feel, but he couldn’t be farther from the truth. Bingo:[x] This is part of my Make me feel Bingo Cardby@girl-next-door-writes
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You were seated in a room, rubbing your tired eyes on a bed that didn’t even belong to you. It wasn’t just any room with any bed though. You were in the male dormitory of the Gryffindor House of Hogwarts, seated in the marauder’s bedroom, specifically on Sirius Black’s bed. Just like on every full moon, you waited for the boys impatiently, to make sure that they were in one piece as they arrived back from their wild adventures.
It was about 5am when the sun started to rise. You barely slept an hour or two, waking up almost every half an hour, concern and worry taking over you with a pinch of insomnia that you were used to on a daily basis. The boys should have been back already, but they took their sweet time, making you even more anxious, than you dared to admit. You took deep breaths to calm yourself down, just as the door opened with a loud thud hitting the wall behind it.
Looking at the entrance, you saw James first, holding up a barely conscious Remus, whose arm hung off his friend’s shoulder, before you saw Sirius on his other side, helping James carrying the boy. You ran up to them and hurried them over to Remus’ bed, wanting to check on the boy as soon as you could. They placed him on his bed as gently as they could and stood back, giving you just enough space. They stood silently with hunched backs, visible dark circles under their eyes and tired expressions across their face as they watched you.
“you don’t mean that.” regulus said quietly, desperately clinging to the hope that he was right, and that sirius really, truly, didn’t.
“i mean every. fucking. word.”
“sirius, i-” the younger brother’s voice only cracked slightly.
there is a bittersweet pain in a brother’s betrayal, that sirius had seen coming all along. in a family of madness and secrets kept in the light of the stars, they were very few, the ones that came in the light of the sun.
and regulus had stayed in the shadows, where, seemingly, he belonged.
a single tear rolled down sirius’ cheek, that washed away the war’s pain, the traitorous act that regulus had done, the pain that had toughened them up, built them up, but at the same time, that broke them down.
family.
“mon petit frère est un traître.” sirius whispered, their voice shaking ever so slightly.
“non…” regulus trailed off. “sirius, s'il te plaît…”
and with the betrayal, the skull-headed snake marked in regulus’ skin forever,
“where the hell do you keep on going?” sirius said, glaring at remus from under their long eyelashes. “‘cause i am one hundred percent sure you’re not going only where dumbledore sends you.”
“i’ve told you! i’m not allowed to tell you!” remus’ words were almost a growl. “i’m not in the mood for fucking talking.” remus said coldly and went to their room, slamming the door behind him. sirius flinched.
you always had the upper hand
“why do i only go with the werewolves?” a nineteen-year-old remus asked, trailing off after dumbledore. “why can’t i go with my friends?”
“because that,” the older man looked at remus categorically, leaving no place for discussion, “is where you’re useful.”
“but it’s not fair! i-” remus started.
“no buts. do you remember how much i’ve done for you?” dumbledore cocked one single eyebrow. “it’s the time you pay me back.”
got caught in love and stepped in sinking sand
“maybe falling in love with you wasn’t the brightest idea i’ve ever had.”
remus wondered when did they fall out of love. was it with little steps, something that could have been avoidable, that they noticed just a little bit too late? or did they just wake up one day and decide that they didn’t love each other anymore?
nonetheless, the flame of their love had consumed them entirely. lit up by it, like a match, like a cigarette, and burned until nothing but their ashes were left.
you had to go and ruin all our plans
“i’ll be back soon, sirius. i promise”
“you never keep your promise though, remus, do you?” sirius looked up to their lover tiredly. “it’s all just unkept promises”
packed your bags and you’re leaving home
remus always came back late. and sirius would wait, until they got tired of waiting.
got a one-way ticket and you’re all sent to go
and with every single mission, they started to not be sure if they’d want remus to come back or not.
but we have one more day together
and everything would once come to an end. their love, the war; soon enough, even if they were going to be the ones who lost.
so, love me like there’s no tomorrow
they had very few nights of love left. with the uncertainty of war, never knowing the day you would stop waking up next to the one you loved, and everything going around, they’d have to live life to the fullest. even the little they had left.
hold me in your arms, tell me you mean it
so they’d just love each other.
this is our last goodbye, and very soon it will be over
they never knew how to quite make out the difference between sinners and saints. but when their last goodbye would come, they’d know that neither them, nor their lover, had been either.
Sirius. Sirius. Sirius. Sirius. Sirius. Sirius. Sirius. His name played like a mantra in her head, over and over.
His name was the most bittersweet thing she had ever tasted. Sirius. It tasted of regret, hatred, power, love. Like the Greek translation of his name, Sirius, he was scorching, burning everything in his path leaving no trace but the embers slowly dying from the wake of his footsteps, Sirius.
She felt sparks every time she dared to utter his name. Two months since their last meeting, two months and the door was still unlocked, the plants unwatered, the foundation crumbling. He left when it was raining. In her mind, rain was synonymous with Sirius. The door unlocked every rainy day and night.
He would be there. He would come and hug her. He would, he would, he would, he wouldn’t. Not now, anyway. Not while the Veil still had him, Sirius, in its deathly clutches. Never. But, she still sat watching the door, every rainy night, door unlocked, plants unwatered, her foundation crumbling beneath the weight of sorrow and hatred.
Sirius. Sirius. Sirius.
“Where are you?” a whisper of lost time.
His name was the most bittersweet thing she had ever tasted. The only thing she could taste now was death. Sirius.
➴ Author Note: I can’t believe an anon forced me to listen to a 1D song but you know what… them lyrics was good. I hope you like it, it’s angst as fuck for some reason.
Sirius Black watches from a corner, drinking something he can’t remember the name of, but that is strong enough to make him forget the pain growing inside of him.
She dances and laughs, and spins around with people she has never met before. She makes the room gravitate towards her, as if she’s the light those people need to live. Men and women stop in their tracks to look at her, smile and speak as if an old friend was.
She doesn’t fear the attention. She’s not afraid of this, no.
When she’s tired, all she does is look towards the corner Sirius spends most the night in. She has tried to get him to dance before but he refuses, because he knows she doesn’t want people to know that when the night ends, he will be the one taking her home. This is their secret.
Sirius is the first to leave the place, walking a couple of streets to where he parks his bike. He is often tempted to show her what it can do, but he can’t expose himself and his magic like that, no matter how much he trusts her. He just can’t.
After a few minutes, she sneaks up behind him, kissing his neck and laughing. She spins around like she’s still on the dance floor.
“What’s wrong, babe?” She whispers against his mouth.
I want more, he thinks, but never again will he speak those words. He knows the consequences.
He shakes his head, “nothing.”
Another laugh, one kiss in the dark that gets her moaning, and she’s against his back on the bike passing the streets of London like… magic. He can hear her breathing and feel it fall against his neck. She moves a little bit closer to him, making his heart go wild.
He isn’t sure for how much longer he’ll be able to take it. Almost afraid his heart will give out. She is killing him each time she kisses him, each time she welcomes him to her house, then closes the door on his face after he asks for more…more…more. He should know better.
There’s nothing she’s afraid of, except for falling in love. Sirius can see the fear present when he holds her hand, when he hugs her after climax. When he tells her that he’s in love with her, begs for a chance to prove to her their relationship is fate, all she has to tell him is…
…”No. It’s not real. Come back to the real world. Goodnight.”
Sirius turns off the bike and she gets off. She runs up to her doorstep and opens the door, going in. She leaves the door open for Sirius to come in after her.
He could turn on the bike and go home. He’s tired of showing her he knows her worth and he’s not with her for a game. What more can he do? How can he stop this madness from occurring if this madness is keeping him alive? He’s weak. He can’t help it.
“I think it was her friends. Told her that I’d break her heart and she doesn’t want that to happen.” Sirius tells James while the two are shopping for the summer vacation.
James, who doesn’t know and doesn’t bother to learn how to hold back, laughs at his friend. It’s not an uncommon thing to see… not since Sirius met her. “It’s not her friends. Just like a month ago she was not testing you to know if you knew her worth. You’re a fool, mate.”
Sirius shoves James, but he knows his friend is right. He’s done all he could to be there for her and take that fear from her heart but nothing’s worked.
“I can’t help it, James. I love her. Nothing’s going to change that. Each night she calls and tells me all of her dreams and I know I want to be there with her when she makes them happen. But, I also know that she won’t let me. It’s killing me, James.”
He turns his face when he sees the pitiful look that Prongs is giving him. “We can tell. Mum tells me about the late night calls. She also told me the phone has not rung in almost a week.”
Sirius nods, sighing and letting his head fall down. It’s his fault.
A week ago he again told her he loved her, he hasn’t talked to her ever since. He misses the late night calls and the talks of hopes and dreams. He misses her, plain and simple.
“We’re in the middle of a war,” Sirius whispers all of a sudden, “and I’m here, worried about some girl that will never love me back. I’m a fucking idiot.”
“Love is complicated, would it not be, I know a few hundred thousand artists who would be out of business.” James tells him, grabbing a box of cereal Sirius hates. “Even if we weren’t at war, she still would exist. You still would be hurting over her. This has to end, Sirius.”
Sirius watches as James goes to the checkout. He runs up to him, “I’ve got something to do.” As he receives approval from James, Sirius takes off.
It’s past midnight during mid-winter, London is covered in snow and the golden lights that illuminate the streets reflect upon it, making it seem as if the ground and the top of the houses are glowing. This is such a beautiful sight that Sirius needs to take in, forgetting for a few moments what he’s going there, and the war, and all the pain.
“Sirius?” It’s her voice that brings him back. Making him turn around in surprise. Some people walk past them, some have tears running down their faces. Sirius looks behind her and sees the cinema closing up, with a big poster of a new horror movie at the front.
She loves horror movies. She’s not afraid of them. No, she’s not afraid.
He clears his throat. “Was it a good movie?” She nods, smiling. He fights himself to not get lost on that smile and let his lips speak the words his mind is begging him to speak.
“I can’t keep doing this. I know I’ve said this before, but I can’t.”
She’s holding his hand before he’s gone, because each time he’s told her he can’t do this, she’s been back at his door.
She’s kissing him before he can’t react, but when he does, instead of pushing her from him, he brings her closer to him.
➴ Author Note: Thanks for the request! Look at me writing. Unbelievable.
A few months have passed since she first discovered Sirius cheating on her with Marlene. It’s now Christmas and she’s packing all her things to go home, forget the burning hell she has been put through by the two people she had once loved the most.
You know, the rumours, the whispers and stares, it was all too much at first. She tried to hide in corners until people had passed and then she would go to her class. Too ashamed to face the classmates that pitied her. Until she realized there was nothing to be ashamed of, or to be pitied for. She hadn’t been the first girl to get cheated on and she wouldn’t be the last. It had happened and she needed to learn how to move on, ignore people around her and focus on herself. She took baby steps, with Lily and Alice always with her, and slowly but surely she had grown out of it. Now she can finally say she’s happy and over it.
Sirius, on the other hand, is like a dog that wouldn’t let go of his favourite bone. Rumour has it─and by rumour she means Remus telling her everything─that he hasn’t been with anyone since she broke up with him. Marlene tried to approach him a couple times but was rejected, and with the entire school knowing what she had done, it was safe to say she wouldn’t be dating or befriending anyone anytime soon.
She sighs, turning around on her heels and walking up to her closet to grab the last piece of clothing left. There’s a knock on her door.
“Come in!” But no one enters. “Come in!” She screams again, thinking the person behind the door has not heard her.
When her door remains closed and the silence falls upon the room, she lets out a frustrated sigh and walks up to the door, opening it wide to see what’s going on.
Her scream is loud enough to have alerted the entire castle─but she hopes no one comes─.
She grabs Sirius’s fur and pushes him inside, scoffing when he lets out a whine. After checking the hall’s still empty she closes the door and turns around, almost letting out another scream at the sight of Sirius’s naked body.
“Put something on, asshole!”
“Well, fine. But unless I’ve grown a third nipple, it’s nothing you haven’t seen before.”
“Before! When I wanted to see it, Sirius! Now I don’t, so put something on before I kick your ass out of the window.” She can’t believe she needs to explain this again.
Sirius taps her shoulder a moment after. Not knowing what she was expecting, she has to laugh. He has covered himself with her sheets. This man is unbelievable.
He clears his throat: “can we talk now?” She sighs.
This is not the first time Sirius has tried to talk to her about how much he has changed.
But she didn’t want to hear it the first hundred times and she doesn’t want to hear it now.
What can she do? Tell him to go? There’s a chance he won’t. Just give him five minutes, let him explain once again and ask him to leave. It’s worked before, it’ll work now.
“Fine,” she tells him while walking up to Alice’s bed and sitting down. “Speak.”
Sirius sits down on her bed─good thing he’s using her sheets, now he can’t get too far from her bed─and once more clears his throat as if it’ll make his words more believable.
“You’re going home for Christmas?” He asks, confusing her. Before she can answer his mouth is moving again and more and more words leave his throat: “Remus told me because Alice told him. It’s not that he tells me things! It came up in the conversation we were having so please, don’t get upset with him.”
She blinks one, two, three times. Unsure of what’s going on, she takes a couple seconds to take in his rambling and making out the meaning behind it. She is unable to make it make sense and the little patience that she has is growing out.
Is it her fault? Should’ve she told him to fuck off? Perhaps it’s because she keeps giving him the chance to explain himself although she knows nothing is ever gonna change. Is she leading him on? That’s the last thing she wants to do. Hurting is not in her nature. It’s never been.
“Sirius,” she calls his name while running her left hand through her hair. She inhales, gives herself time to think about her next words. It’s time to let things turn clear as water. “You didn’t go through all the trouble of morphing on school grounds, sneak around the castle and up here to ask me to not be mad at Remus. So tell me, what was the actual reason?”
She has taken him off guard, being so blunt, her voice so calm. She’s not upset with him, or resentful, she’s at peace and holds no grudge against him. “I…” he begins, the sound of his voice lingering in the room for a couple seconds before he finishes: “To be honest, I came here to ask for another chance…”
“Sirius─”
“…No, no. Let me finish. I came here to ask for another chance because I thought that to fix all of this mess all I had to do was change. But, that’s not it, right?” She shakes her head. “I made a mistake, now I can’t ask the girl whose heart I broke to risk it being broken again. So if it’s not too much to ask for, I’d like for us to be friends, like before. Because whether it’s as my girl or my best friend, I don’t want to find out what life without you is like.”
“We can’t be friends like before, Sirius. Before is gone. I’m not the person I was then. I like to think neither are you. But I’m sure we can work something out, as long as you promise to not come naked into my room ever again.”
“Oh, no I can’t promise that.” Sirius grins, tilting his head right.
It was all coming to the surface, everything before and after the breakup, all of the feelings the two of you had buried, squashed down and tried to pretend didn’t still exist. The flood gates were open and good or bad the two of you needed closure.
“Don’t walk away from me!” You snap with a roll of your eyes. “You have something to say Sirius so just say it for fucks sake.” Sirius’ shoulders tense as you follow him into the kitchen, his back towards you. He picks up a glass from the bench, turning it over a couple of times in his hands before flinging it into the sink with so much force you jump, the glass shattering on impact. He braces himself on the bench, hunched over the sink, his tone short, clipped and dangerously low. You’d almost rather him yell at you.
“Say? There’s nothing to say. You fucked off y/n, you left. You packed your shit and didn’t look back,” He turns to look at you, a humourless laugh ringing in your ears, a flash of lightning illuminating the few tears on his cheeks. “You never gave me a chance to say anything…”
You shrunk back, wrapping your arms around yourself as you looked at the floor. You knew heartbreak, but this felt different. This was raw, excruciating… like someone had attached you both to a live wire and turned the voltage up to high. The two of you stood there, opposite sides of the room, breathing heavily. You felt some of your anger soften, replaced with the desire to walk over there and wipe the tears off his cheeks. You thought you were doing the right thing by leaving, you and Sirius were destroying each other day by day, bit by bit. There were things you couldn’t work through, issues that ran too deep.
Neither of you had spoken in over a week when you left. You had selfishly tricked yourself into thinking that leaving was going to be the best for both of you. A clean slate. Instead you protected yourself from getting hurt while doing the exact opposite to him. You step towards him, closing the distance while reaching out with your hand. Sirius shrinks back from your touch but doesn’t stop you from cupping his cheek, your thumb gently tracing the line of his jaw.
The scruff on his face scratches enticingly at your skin and it’s a sensation you didn’t realise you missed until now. Sirius breathes deeply and closes his eyes, lips parted, hands twitching by his side. He takes a long, slow breath, then another and another and you can see some of the tension slip away from his body.
“I’m sorry,” You whisper the words but they feel louder as they cut through the quiet.
When Sirius doesn’t say anything you go to draw your hand away, surprised when he reaches out and holds your wrist. He leans further into your touch as the tears slip silently down his cheeks, catching in the palm of your hand. Everything around you seems to pause, the walls around him coming down, the bitterness you’d held onto easing. It’s like you’re both standing on the edge of a cliff, staring down into the void, waiting for the other person to say ‘jump’first.
A couple of minutes pass, a few more breaths mixed together in the air and you jump. Repercussions be damned.
Pushing up on your toes you kiss him, pressing yourself against his chest. His mouth is as soft as you remember, his lips moulding against yours with little adjusting, like there hadn’t been any time at all between your last kiss and this one. Sirius doesn’t move right away, stuck frozen in shock. It takes you mumbling another sorry into his mouth to get a reaction. When he kisses you back it’s hard, full of want and regret. His hands find home on your hips, fingertips digging into the soft, supple flesh. You rake your fingers into his hair, your nails dragging over his scalp, drawing a deep groan from the back of his throat. He pushes you back until your back hits the wall behind you, his knee pressing between your legs to hold them apart. You nip playfully at his bottom lip, sucking it between your teeth before soothing away the sting with your tongue, tasting the salt from his tears. The kiss deepens as the two of you become entangled fully, hands roaming over bodies, rediscovering lost intimacy.
When you pull away Sirius moves his lips to the juncture of your neck, peppering kisses over your skin as your chest heaves. Wrapping your arms around his neck the two of you stumble and giggle until you’re back in the living room. You can see him better in here, his face not shrouded in shadow. He looks at you, candle light dancing in his bright grey eyes, your heart thumping wildly inside your chest. A light blush covers your cheeks as you glance up at his swollen lips, heat spreading through every inch of your body as you draw his lips back to yours, parting your lips so his tongue can slip inside your mouth.
He drops to the couch, keeping you in his arms, your knees digging into the cushions either side of his hips. You edge your fingers under the hem of his t-shirt, his stomach flexing as you flatten the palm of your hand and slide it over his skin. The kiss breaks as he reefs the shirt over his head, eyes dark and needy. You sit back on his lap and bite the corner of your lip, feeling that familiar stirring of arousal settle in the pit of your belly.
Sirius sits forward, his nose almost bumping yours as he toys with the edge of your shirt, your nipples hard through the fabric. You open your mouth, swallowing a moan as he pulls it up and over your head, exposing your heated skin to the cool air. You resist the urge to cover yourself back up as goosebumps erupt over your arms and back, Sirius’ eyes roaming over you hungrily. He brushes his fingers up your sides and across your ribs, stopping just below each breath. He watches your reaction as he circles a nipple with the tip of his finger, dragging it agonizingly slow over the hard little nub. You squeeze your legs around him in anticipation, feeling him harden beneath you. Dropping your hand down you run it over the front of his sweats, teasing him with feather light touches. You quiver as he flicks out his tongue, wetting his lips.
You want to draw it out, savour the breathy moans and light touches, but you need him, all of him. Now.Sirius pinches a nipple between two fingers as he drags a thumb over your lips with his other hand. You gasp and arch forward, subconsciously rolling your hips to create the friction you’re craving.
“Want you,” You simper. “Need you…Siri.”
The nickname tumbles from your lips and seems to spur him on, his lips re-attaching to your neck as he sucks a dark mark into the flesh. He hooks an arm around your waist, lifting you up enough that he can shimmy his pants down, his cock slapping thick, heavy and hard against his stomach, glistening with precum at the tip. There’s another lump in your throat as you listen to the obscene noises Sirius makes, pumping himself gently, and it makes you want to slip off his lap and suck him greedily into your mouth.
You don’t. Instead you wrap your hand around his base, taking over his movements as you enjoy the weight of him in your hand. Sirius’ head rolls back on the couch, his hands still holding you as you slide over him, smearing the precum with the pad of your thumb. “Nuhugh, stop, stop…” You slow your actions, smiling at the obvious effect it has on him. “I want - I -”
He doesn’t finish his sentence, trailing off as you readjust yourself, pulling your panties to the side - incredibly thankful you hadn’t bothered to put pants back on when you got dressed. Sirius lines himself up, keeping still as you sink down onto his length until he is fully rooted inside of you, stretching you out comfortably. He grunts deeply, dropping his head to your shoulder as you dig your nails into his upper arms, your whole body humming in pleasure. Slowly you begin to rock your hips, tangling your fingers into his hair and tugging on the curls. Neither of you are in any rush, happy to keep it slow, pouring everything you couldn’t put into words into your touches.
Sirius snaps his hips up as you move, thrusting deeper each time, his cock sliding over just the right spot each time. You feel full and content, something you hadn’t for months and it makes you realise how much you missed him, how hard it was to be away from him. His name tumbles from your lips over and over as you feel that coil deep in your belly tighten, your eyes finding his again as your legs tremble. There’s a thin sheen of sweat around his hairline, his cheeks flushed. He snakes a hand down between your bodies, his finger finding your clit, your body convulsing with pleasure as he rubs a tight circle over the bundle of nerves. You cry out, leaning forward until your forehead is pressed against Sirius’, his lips finding yours again as he picks up his pace.
It builds and it builds and it builds and -
“Oh fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!” You drag out the word in a whimper, tumbling into euphoria, your orgasm bursting white behind your eyes. Everything else fades away except for the feeling of Sirius, the sound of his moans as he gets closer to his own end. His movements slow down considerably, his hips barely moving when he grunts out something you still aren’t coherent enough to hear, his teeth scraping over your shoulder. He empties himself inside of you and the sensation brings his name back to your lips, his arms tightening around you, keeping you pressed against his chest.
You’re too blissed out for the next few moments that you miss when Sirius pulls back out of you, turning around to lay you on the couch as he stands up, tucking himself back into his pants. He gives you a soft, genuine smile and you return it, watching him walk back up the hallway. You miss his warmth immediately, shivering as you curl in on yourself. He comes back with a warm washcloth, cleaning up the mess left on your thighs. When he’s done you reach for him, tugging him back down, snuggling into him as he runs a hand up and down your spine. When he sighs you feel your stomach sink, a feeling of dread overtaking everything else. You hold your breath as you peak at him from the corner of your eyes, waiting for what you know is coming. “So I guess we should talk about what just happened.” “…Yeah,” You mumble.
You feel sick and suddenly very self conscious. You’re still lying there against him, mostly naked and now you wished you’d paid attention to where he threw your top earlier. It’s the pin you didn’t want to drop, the reality that the two of you are still very much broken up, whatever just happened doesn’t change that. Sirius has been quiet long enough now that your body feels rigid and tense while you wait for him to say that you need to go, that this was a one time thing to help you both move on, to get closure.
You don’t even know how to articulate that that’s not what you want anymore, hell it wasn’t even what you wanted to begin with, but staying here and fighting with him seemed like the worse option at the time.
You try and pull away, ready to shut down and protect yourself but Sirius senses the shift in your mood straight away, holding you against him tighter. He looks down at you, hooking his thumb under your chin when you refuse to meet his eyes, frowning at the expression on your face.
“I don’t regret it,” He says seriously. “I don’t, it’s just…” He cuts himself off with a sigh. “It was so hard when you walked out y/n, I didn’t know what to do with myself… I can’t go through that again and I don’t think you can either.” “I don’t know what you’re trying to say,” You reply, almost too afraid to know the answer. “I’m saying we gotta be in or out, all the way, no going back and changing our minds.”
This time it’s you that’s quiet, the hurt and bitterness bubbling back into your system as you mull over his words. It’s not like his wrong… you know that, but the ultimatum leaves you feeling conflicted. “We broke up for a reason Siri… those issues, they’re all still there. Nothings changed; what makes you think we can work through it this time?” “Maybe we can’t,” He replies. “Maybe we can… all I know is that I love you.” “…I love you too. I’m just not sure it’s enough anymore.”
Sirius tugs you back onto his lap, his face buried into your hair as you wrap your arms around him, wishing that you didn’t have to let go. You lay there, locked together as the storm outside eases, the thunder disappearing into the distance with the lightning. All that’s left is the rain, like the sky outside is openly weeping for the both of you.
Summary: Good or bad, sometimes all you need is closure.
A/N: Again, it’s been ages since I’ve posted anything but I had this one sitting in my drafts so I thought I’d go back through, fix it up a little and post it. Originally it was 5k + so I’ve broken it in half. I’ll post the other half once I’ve finished going through it. I really hope you like this one ! x
It blankets the city in a thick sheet of rain, thunder rumbling in the distance as the lightning flickers through the dark clouds. It was wild and chaotic, the worst storm that London had had in months; the big, fat drops of water enough to send everyone scurrying under cover. The drizzly evening matched your mood perfectly as you sat in your car, goose bumps prickling along your skin from your damp clothes, the windshield fogging up even more with each frigid breath.
You close your eyes and sigh, clenching and unclenching your fists around the steering wheel as you war with yourself. You’d made the decision with a clear head this morning, convincing yourself it was what you wanted to do, but now you weren’t so sure, a rolling train of insecurities flooding through your mind. Opening your eyes you glance over at the box sitting on your passenger seat, a thousand memories you didn’t want to think about mixed in with the knick knacks. That damn box had been mocking you for the last five days and you’d finally had enough. After all, you were the one that had the ridiculous notion in your head that doing this was going to bring you some kind of closure; that seeing him again, when neither of you were angry and out for blood might take away some of the hurt.
Sucking your bottom lip between your teeth you look through the window, to the townhouse your parked in front of, the large front windows lit up from inside. You loved those windows, the way the sun would pour in first thing in the morning, warming your favourite spot on the couch. It didn’t seem fair, that the house you used to call home still had so much life to it while you were barely making it through each day, drifting further and further from the person you used to be. Your car keys jingle in your hand and once again you’re fighting yourself over what to do. You don’t even know if he’s home, you could just drop the box off at the door and leave, make a clean getaway and go back to pretending your moving on with your life but…
No. Despite everything you need to see him.
Dragging the box up onto your lap you give yourself no time to overthink before heading out into the rain, shivering as cold water runs down your back. You hurry up the driveway but by the time you make it to the front step your still saturated, the reasonably neat bun you’d worn your hair in now a soggy, limp mess at the back of your head. The flood light comes on above you and you freeze, eyes wide as the lock on the door clicks. You start wondering how quickly you can run back to your car before he realises who it is but before you can make any kind of choice the door swings open.
Your throat constricts, your heart beating so fast inside your chest you’re worried it might just give out. Sirius stands there in the doorway, bathed in the soft glow from the house, wearing a thin t-shirt and a pair of grey sweats. His curls are deliciously messy, haphazardly pulled back in a loose bun and there’s more scruff on his face then you were used to seeing. You force yourself to swallow around the hard lump in the back of your throat.
His brow dips as he looks at you dripping on his welcome mat, clearly as surprised to see you as you were over being caught. You shuffle awkwardly on the spot, feeling your cheeks get warm. “Hi…” You thrust the box towards him with the lame greeting. “I found some of your stuff mixed in with mine and I just thought I’d…drop them off.” “In the middle of a thunderstorm?”
His voice is like a hard slap to the face, at the same time making you miss him more while also dredging up all the heartbreak you’d tried squashing down. Your relationship had crumbled to pieces in front of your eyes eight weeks ago and by the abysmal end you weren’t on speaking terms. You’d packed up your things and walked out without so much as a backwards glance.
“Yeah… I was - I was on my way… home.” You choke out the last word. You didn’t think of the apartment you moved into home and you don’t think you ever will. This was your home, the place you’d shared with Sirius for the last five years, the place you missed with your whole heart.
Sirius blows out a long sigh and shoves his hand through his hair, tangling it up even more. He chews the corner of his lip, eyes darting between the box in your hands and your dishevelled appearance. An awkward, miserable silence settles between the two of you as you lightly bounce on the balls of your feet. “I guess it’s kind of cold out here,” His tone isn’t angry but it’s not all that welcoming either. “You can come in while the rain eases.”
Yes.Yes… that’s all you want. To go inside and forget all about the last two months, and the three before that were you and Sirius were constantly at each other’s throats. You want it to all go back to how it was before, when you knew that he was who you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. When your friends didn’t have to feel guilty over spending time with one of you and not the other. You just wanted it to go back to when Sirius loved you more than anything else… You knew it wouldn’t though. There was no going back.
You shake your head as you take a step back, willing the few tears in the corner of your eyes to stay there. You place the box down, suddenly remembering why you were there in the first place. “I - I gotta go.”
No more than five feet down the driveway you feel Sirius’ hand grab your arm, stopping you from leaving. His grip isn’t tight, you could pull away if you wanted to, but his touch feels like a live wire on your skin and you can’t move. Another crack of thunder - this one closer - sounds above your head, the rain cascading down over your body as you look up at your ex, his shirt now glued to his body, accentuating the planes of muscle under the fabric. “You can’t drive in this weather,” He reasons. “Come inside.”
Against your better judgement you let him lead you into the house, immediately missing the warmth of his touch as he lets you go to close and lock the door. You wrap your arms around yourself, only now realising how much you’re actually shivering. Sirius seems to notice as well because he frowns, his hand twitching by his side as though he’s trying to decide if he should reach out to you again. He looks conflicted, like he’s tossing up over whether he should care or not that you’re cold.
“I can get you some dry clothes,” He says, motioning towards the hallway. “Why don’t you have a shower and warm yourself up, I think there’s still some of your stuff in the cupboard. I … I didn’t go through it.” “It’s fine,” You force out, your voice no higher than a whisper. “I don’t want to impose and I really should be going anyway.” “I told you, you can’t drive in weather like this. A shower won’t hurt right? You’ll feel better.” It might hurt, you think. But truthfully a shower did sound pretty good right about now.
Once you agree you follow Sirius down the hall, stopping a couple of doors before he does. You flip on the light in the bathroom, breathing in deeply as you smell his body wash lingering on the air. Everything looks exactly the same - minus your makeup littering the vanity and it makes you kind of sad. Sirius taps his knuckles on the door jam, making you jump as you turn to face him. He holds out some clothes, looking at everything except you as you take them gratefully. There’s a bitter sting in your chest as you notice they’re his clothes. You suppose there’s nothing of yours still here but it still makes your throat feel dry as you hold them against your chest. “Thanks,” You mumble. “Take all the time you want, don’t feel like you have to rush or anything.”
He walks away and you shut the door, leaning back against it heavily as you bring the clothes up to your nose, inhaling the scent on them, catching the barely there whiff of your perfume. It was the t-shirt you always used to wear to bed. Faded, old and full of more holes then a golf course, but you loved it and not all that long ago Sirius loved seeing you in it. Leaving them on the vanity you turn on the tap, letting it warm all the way up before stripping out of your clothes. You step under the stream of water, cold feet burning as the water hits them. It’s the right kind of pain though. There wasn’t much better than a shower when you were cold.
For a few minutes you just stand there, the heat relaxing some of the tension in your muscles. You think about everything that had happened tonight, confused why Sirius was acting the way he was. There was a part of you that had assumed he’d slam the door in your face, spit something hurtful and tell you that he never wanted to see you ever again. Best case scenario you thought he wouldn’t open the door at all, just leaving you standing outside looking like the fool. The fact that he was being kind of… nice made you feel guilty for thinking those things about him. Just because you weren’t dating anymore didn’t mean that he was going to stop caring. Of all the things that Sirius was, he was never cruel. Tonight more than proved that.
Rinsing the body wash off you stepped out of the shower, digging your toes into the fluffy mat as you grabbed your towel, the steam still swirling around the small room. You take your time drying off, nervous about heading back there and facing him. You don’t know how to talk to him anymore, even though at one point he’d been one of your best friends - long before he was your boyfriend. You’re just slipping his old t-shirt over your head when the light cuts out, bathing you in sudden darkness. You reach blindly for where you think the switch is, flipping it a couple of times when you find it, groaning when it does nothing to help. It takes a couple of goes but you finally find the door handle, fully expecting that the bathroom globe had just blown and the rest of the house would still be lit up. The whole house is in darkness though, the hairs standing up on the back of your neck as you head towards the living room, an eerie kind of silence filling the house. It’s too quiet without the background noise of the tv or fridge, the only sound coming from the storm outside. “Sirius?” You call out hesitantly, the lightning flashing in the windows casting long shadows along the walls.
You feel something graze across your shoulder and you turn quickly, the scream dying in your throat as you see Sirius standing behind you, his face lit up by the torch on his phone. “The whole streets out,” He says flatly. “Does your phone have much battery?” “Uh…” You head back into the bathroom, the light from Sirius’ phone making it easier to see where you left yours on the vanity. You frown when you check the battery levels. “It’s only got about thirty three percent, won’t last long.”
Sirius groans, scrubbing a hand over his face as he looks off towards the living room, a frown on his face, his expression guarded, unreadable. “You don’t remember if we had a torch do you?” “I don’t think so,” You answer, wrapping your arms tight around yourself. “I think there’s some candles in the lounge though… or there was.”
Without a word he shuffles past you and walks down the hall. You follow behind him, watching as he grabs some candles from the cupboard on the tv cabinet. It feels a lot like he just packed you away, hid all the things that reminded him of you. He grabs the matches from the same cupboard, striking one and lighting the candles he’d scattered across the coffee table. Soon the room is illuminated with a soft light. It feels warmer somehow, like it’s taken the chill off the room. Sirius sits on the couch and suddenly that awkward silence is back.
Biting your lip you move across and sit down, keeping as far from him as possible, holding your hands tightly in your lap. You hate how it is between the both of you, how this breakup had rocked the two of you down to your core. While you were simply trying to make it through each new day, Sirius had put walls up around himself and was clearly in no hurry to let you know how he was really feeling. You bite the edge of your lip and wring your hands together. “Crazy storm hey?” You aim for light hearted customer service voice but it comes out forced and a little flat.
Sirius scoffs. “You want to talk about the weather? Really?” “Well it doesn’t seem like you want to have any other kind of conversation… actually it seems like you prefer not talking at all, so let’s just sit here in awkward silence.” “There’s nothing to say.” “You and I both know that’s not true. I just want you to talk to me Sirius, hell yell at me if it’s going to make you feel better; get everything off your chest. Just say something.” “Why now y/n? Why do you suddenly want to air all our dirty laundry? It’s not like you were this desperate to talk about it before.” “That’s not fair,” You reply, digging your fingernails into the palm of your hands. “I tried talking to you, for months before we ended things Sirius. You’re the one that never wanted to deal with it.”
Sirius stands abruptly, stalking to the other side of the room before whirling back to face you, that unreadable expression - the one he’d been wearing since he opened the door - finally breaking. You can’t see him properly from all the shadows in the room but you can see enough to notice the hurt in his eyes. He opens his mouth a couple of times, trying to find the right way to say what he wants to. When he can’t, he storms from the room. You watch him go with a frustrated sigh.
It was all coming to the surface, everything before and after the breakup, all of the feelings the two of you had buried, squashed down and tried to pretend didn’t still exist. The flood gates were open and good or bad the two of you needed closure.
Pairing: Sirius Black x Female Reader Word Count: 6.6k Synopsis: Her and Sirius have a complicated relationship and things get even more complicated when they agree to start a fake relationship to get their parents off their back Warnings: genuinely cannot think of anything, except maybe sirius’ photos?
There was just something about Christmas Day that always forced itself to be intertwined with my relationship with Sirius Black.
When we were twelve and I had found out the hard way that I was no exception to him, my anger came boiling over on Christmas Day.
I had on a green dress that my mother had picked out for me and I was standing in the corner with the other children in this society, trying not to make eye contact with Sirius who was in a suit that barely fit him. It was too long and I wasn’t sure what he had done to convince Walburga to let him out of the house looking like that.
I hadn’t spoken to him since before his stupid prank, even if he had relentlessly tried to get me to speak, and I could tell that he was growing frustrated at my silent game.
We were at Black Manor, and Sirius must have felt toocomfortable at his cousin’s house because he came over to us and forced his way through.
This wasn’t unusual Sirius Black behaviour. Usually, everyone would roll their eyes, not even trying to hide it, but I had always taken a step back so he could join in the circle, even if it only took him seconds to get annoyed and walk away.
It was unspoken. The fact that I was usually the one who let him in the circle, but it seemed whether subconsciously or not, everyone knew it was me because Sirius always entered beside me. And just like always, he came next to me, expecting to be welcomed into the circle.
This time, I stood still. I didn’t even turn my head to look at him.
“Surely you’re not all partying without me.” I heard him say, but he was still standing behind me and not everyone heard him as someone else in the circle was speaking.
I could see a few people in front of me averting their gaze to Sirius, but no one said anything.
“Let’s all ignore the Gryffindor,” he continued, “yeah, that’s real original.” I could practically hear him roll his eyes, but I forced my attention onto the person talking.
“Sorry, can we help you?” My head turned to look at Bellatrix who was now staring behind me.
“Apparently not,” I heard him mutter. I could feel his eyes on me. I knew everyone else’s eyes were on him, watching him watch me, but I wasn’t going to give in.
I knew, of course, that they would notice me not paying attention to Sirius. I had been paying attention to him my whole life and the people in front of me were the ones who had been constantly telling me not to hang around him.
“He’s a bad influence,” they’d say. “Who knows what him and his friends get up to.” Or “You’re too nice to be around someone like Sirius Black.”
But I had only ever shrugged in response, which was why when I looked around the group, I noticed that the few eyes who weren’t on Sirius, were on me, watching and waiting to see what I’d do.
I never gave in, and I eventually heard Sirius sigh and walk away. Once he was out of sight, everyone’s eyes turned back to me and I hoped no one would mention it.
When I could no longer handle being under their gaze, my eyes shot down to the floor, and thankfully whoever was speaking before Sirius had interrupted us, began talking again.
I couldn’t really focus on what everyone was saying after that. He had never said it, but I knew Sirius always felt left out around us and I knew it upset him even if he would swear he didn’t care. I also knew that I was the only one he ever really spoke to in this society and that me ignoring him would have really upset him.
But he had really upset me so I pushed it to the back of my mind thinking that somehow, in some weird way, we were even.
I wasn’t sure what would happen next with us. We had fought before plenty of times, we were always getting under each other’s skin. But that was all it was, annoying the other. This time it felt different. This time we might have gone too far.
It wasn’t until later that night when I walked over to the food to get a chocolate dessert that I saw him again. I wasn’t sure where he had gone after I had ignored him, but I also wasn’t trying to find him.
“What’s your problem?” He asked and I quickly turned around to him. At first I wasn’t sure what to do. I had been trying to ignore him for these past few weeks and I wasn’t sure how far this silent game extended. “Oh right,” he rolled his eyes when as I thought about what I’d do, “I forgot you weren’t talking to me.” I frowned. “I forgot I was dealing with the world’s most dramatic person.”
I think he just wanted to get a rise out of me in hopes that I would eventually break my silence, and that was smart, because it worked.
“Well I wouldn’t be so dramatic if you weren’t so inconsiderate,” I snapped.
“Finally,” he mumbled under his breath. “I’m always inconsiderate, I thought you’d be used to it by now.” I wondered if he really didn’t connect his prank to my actions or if he just didn’t want to bring it up.
I opened my mouth to explain it to him. I wanted to tell him how he had humiliated me, how his actions weren’t just inconsiderate, they were cruel, but for some reason I didn’t think he’d understand. And not knowing how to explain that I thought I was some weird exception to him, I decided I’d instead continue to hurt him how he had hurt me.
“You’ve changed,” I said, squinting my eyes at him, trying to muster all the venom I could into my voice.
“Not you too,” he grumbled and for a brief moment, I felt bad. “So what I got sorted into Gryffindor,” he huffed, “it doesn’t mean I’ve changed, it just means I’ve always been different than you.”
I wanted to tell him that his explanation was exactly what I had been telling everyone else in this society, but they just refused to listen, but I didn’t want him to have any feeling of a win in this conversation, so I didn’t.
“Well the Sirius I knew wasn’t mean and cruel,” I said.
“Well maybe you didn’t really know Sirius, did you ever think of that?” He asked, his voice getting louder.
“I did, until you got new blood traitor friends,” I scoffed, but apparently that was the wrong thing to say.
“Don’t bring my friends into this.” His voice got lower and for a moment, I was taken aback. I had always blamed his friends for how he turned out, it hadto be their fault, but I suddenly felt like I was missing something. “At least they accept me for who I am.”
“Sorry for wanting what’s best for you,” I said sarcastically.
“And what’s best for me?” He challenged, “Being accepted in a bunch of blood supremacists who hate everything about me? Just because you’re stuck up like them doesn’t mean I have to be.”
“I’m not stuck up,” I fought weakly.
“Oh you are,” he took a step closer to me and I hated that I wanted to cry. We had fought before, we had annoyed each other until the other person snapped, but we were never mean. “You’re exactly like everyone here, prejudiced, stuck up, and you think I’m mean and cruel?” He let out a harsh laugh. “What about what these people do to innocent wizards? Just because they’re blood isn’t pure.I thought you might be different, but you’re horrible just like everyone else in this room.”
“Well,” I said, biting back my tears, “I’d rather this than your future. You’re lazy and you’re always the loudest person in the room. There’s a reason no one wants you here and it’s not because you’re in Gryffindor, it’s because you’re difficult and annoying.”
I probably would have continued. I could have dug the knife in even deeper and said that everyone was ecstatic when he got sorted into Gryffindor because it meant we wouldn’t have to deal with him in Slytherin. But out of the corner of my eye I saw all of the other kids who I was talking with before watching us. Their eyes open in amusement and the corner of their lips tugging up in a smirk. When my eyes moved to find them, so did Sirius’ and the realisation came over us both that they had heard most of it.
Not knowing what to do, I let out one last final huff and walked back over to them. They welcomed me and turned their back to Sirius. They were smiling at me and laughing and letting out small remarks of praise. And I smiled at them and nodded, but there was a sinking feeling in my stomach that stayed for the rest of the night and followed me all the way back to Hogwarts.
At Hogwarts, Sirius stopped making an effort to try to speak to me and I had already stopped making my effort. He avoided me at all times and when he did accidentally make eye contact with me, he would turn away with a scowl.
But then, our second year ended and during our summer break we were constantly in forced proximity and that was when our silent game finally ended and we moved on to trying to see who could hurt the other the most.
It seemed we didn’t stop this game until Christmas last year, where Sirius tried to help me get out of my arranged marriage by offering to fake date me. I think that was one of the nicest things he had ever done for me.
While it was only our parents who knew it was all fake and everyone else thought that everything between us was real, it still felt like this Christmas, a year later, was the first time everyone would see me on Sirius Black’s arm.
I was slightly nervous. I had already done it before, but this time I had a wrecked proposal and a public breakup lingering in the air and I was scared about what people were going to say. Or what they already were saying.
But at the moment, I was more nervous about the death contraption buzzing in front of me.
“C’mon princess,” Sirius yelled over the engine, “we’re going to be late.” It was turning dark outside even if it was only the beginning of the evening. The cold weather had made the sky gloomy and dark and that along with the cold chill in the air made me think that this was a bad omen.
I couldn’t believe that I had agreed to do this. I was standing outside Grimmauld Place, freezing my ass off, and wrapping his stupid leather jacket tighter around my body to fight the cold. I was sure that the smell of cigarette smoke and wet dog was permanently etched on this jacket, but now, my perfume was trying to fight it off.
“I can’t get on,” I whined, causing him to chuckle at me. He was wearing a suit that actually fit him. I commented on it when I arrived, impressed that he actually looked good for once and I couldn’t help but feel giddy when he told me he got the house elves to tailor them for him. Maybe I was having a good effect on him.
But that didn’t mean he always listened to me. I had told him that this would be a horrible idea, but here we still were.
“You know what?” He had asked me in early December. He was over at my house while I got ready for us to go out for dinner. It was afternoon and the clouds outside made it look dark, but my light illuminated the room.
“What?” I asked, wanting him to humour me. I was sitting at my dresser, looking at him through the mirror.
“We should arrive to the Christmas celebration on my motorbike,” he said, as if this was the best idea he had ever had.
I laughed.
Sirius gave me a mock offended look and I walked over to stand in front of him.
“I’m serious,” he said and when I opened my mouth to say the obvious joke, he raised an eyebrow at me. I smiled up innocently at him instead.
“It’ll be cold,” I pointed out.
“You can wear my jacket,” he argued.
“I can’t get on with a dress,” I explained.
“Well then wear something else,” he said. I gave him an unimpressed look. I had had my dress prepared for weeks now and there was no way I was going to be changing it at such late notice, especially not for something as trivial as this.
“We’ll see,” I said, hoping that Sirius would forget it and we could just apparate there normally.
But, of course, this was Sirius Black and he didn’t forget.
“It’s not my fault you didn’t wear the proper attire,” he shot back and I sighed.
“You owe me,” I mumbled before dropping my arms and reaching out for the helmet in his hand. “This is going to ruin my hair,” I complained. He laughed.
“You’ll still be the prettiest girl there,” he said and I frowned at him as I put the helmet on.
“Don’t watch me,” I said. He was still laughing but he turned around as I bunched my dress up to give me enough stretch so I could step over.
I was wearing a long, emerald velvet dress that was tight fitted and really put up a fight as I tried to get my legs over the seat. My heels made it awkward for me to put my feet down, but I was glad I had worn gloves otherwise my hands would have surely frozen off by now.
I cursed Sirius for making me do this tonight. Any other night I still would have complained, but at least people wouldn’t have to see me in the aftermath.
When I was finally comfortable I realised just how little room there was on his bike. My nose was almost in contact with his back and my chest was squished up against it.
“Are you ready?” He asked, revving the engine and turning his head slightly back so I could hear him.
“I guess so,” I said, my voice louder than usual so he could hear me.
“Hold on tight, princess.” I could basically hear the smirk in his voice and knowing that he couldn’t see me, I rolled my eyes at him, but I still wrapped my arms gingerly around his waist before he sped off.
Immediately I held on tighter. I wanted nothing more than to scream, but I knew that Sirius would tease me about it later so instead I brought myself closer to him and hid my face in his back. The helmet hit it awkwardly, but he didn’t seem to mind.
I knew he would also bring this up as soon as we got to Crabbe Manor. “You were holding on awfully tight, princess.” I could already hear him say.
His back was vibrating against my cheek and the cold air made me lose feeling on the tip of my nose. My hair was flying behind me and for a brief moment, I didn’t mind it. Sirius wasn’t a horrible driver and I didn’t mind how fast my heart was racing. It was almost fun.
Not that I’d ever tell him that.
When we came to a stop he turned his head and asked, “enjoying yourself?” I pulled my head up from his back and smiled.
“No,” I lied and I felt his tummy rumble underneath my palms before we started moving again.
Fortunately, Crabbe Manor wasn’t too far and with no one else on the road on such a late and cold night, we only stopped again when we finally arrived.
I was breathing heavily when he finally turned the bike off and now that it was quiet, I realised how tense I had become. I relaxed on Sirius for a brief second before I lifted myself off and took the helmet off.
He copied my actions and took the helmet from me while I tried to fix my hair.
“So,” he said, “thoughts?”
“I prefer apparation,” I said, giving him a sarcastic look and wrapping my arms around my chest once more to try and hold onto the small amount of heat that had transferred to me from holding onto Sirius so tightly.
“C’mon,” he whined, “it wasn’t that bad,” he said as he attached the helmet back onto his bike.
“It was freezing,” I complained.
“Is that why you were holding on so tight?” He teased, raising an eyebrow at me and causing me to scoff at him.
“Of course,” I said as if it was obvious.
“Sure, princess.”
He put his arm out once he finished with the bike and I glanced at it for a brief second before I smiled up at him and took it. He was already looking down at me when I grabbed onto him.
His jacket creased underneath our touch and I found it humorous that this was very similar to the way we had entered last Christmas when we had organised our little charade.
Even if we knew that the first time wasn’t real, everyone else thought it was. Not that they’d know it was for real now either. But this time, there was the knowledge of our very public break up, and then the fact that I refused a respectable marriage only to run back into the arms of the least respectable person I knew hanging over everyone’s head.
I hadn’t told Sirius that I was feeling nervous about this because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but he seemed to be able to read my mind.
“It’s going to be okay, yeah?” I turned to look at him, expecting to see him grinning or looking desperate as he tried to calm my woe, but instead he looked sincere and that made me feel confident that he was telling the truth.
When we walked in, I was in awe, as usual. The Crabbe’s had gone all out for the infamous celebration with trees covered in fake snow that were charmed to fall down so it looked like it was snowing. There were large ornaments hanging from the ceiling and the walls and there was tinsel on all surfaces. The house elves were wearing Santa hats and there was cheerful music playing in the background. Sirius gave my hand a squeeze.
“It’s all right,” he said, “I guess.” I turned to roll my eyes at him and give him an unimpressed look, but before I could his mother was standing in front of us. However, I still caught his cheeky grin and sly wink.
“Darling,” she said, grabbing my upper arm that wasn’t attached to Sirius’ side, “I’m so glad you got here in one piece.” The fabric of his jacket creased under her touch as her eyes darted between Sirius and I. She looked flush as if she had been stressed and I knew it was because she hated the motorbike just as much as I did.
“Please mother,” Sirius said, “I’m a good driver.”
“It’s not you,” she said as if she had had this argument a thousand times. I had no doubt that she had. But before she could continue, my mother had found us and was standing next to Walburga.
“You two finally made it,” she said. I let out a nervous chuckle, we weren’t that late. And besides, I guess it was my fault. Maybe if I hadn’t shown up late to Sirius’ in hopes he would choose the much faster method of apparation instead of his bike, we would have been here on time, but I knew my mother also wasn’t a fan of motorbikes and I thought it best not to bring it up.
“Had to make an entrance,” I mumbled and I could see Sirius grinning out of the corner of my eye.
“So,” Walburga said, her lips thinning as she looked at us both, “this time it is for real?” Her voice was hopeful and I smiled at her before turning to smile up at Sirius. He was already grinning down at me.
“Yeah,” we both said at the same time, looking at the other.
“Oh wonderful,” Walburga said, bringing her hands together in front of her chest, “I don’t think I’d be able to deal with getting my heart broken again,” she said dramatically as if she was a part of our public breakup.
“And I don’t think I’d be able to deal with any more time wasted,” my mother added. There was a smile on her face and I was struggling to tell the sincerity of it.
“And now we can finally have you over,” Walburga gushed.
“Of course,” I said, “that would be wonderful.”
“And I guess we’ll have you over too, Sirius.” She still had that smile on her face and I was so happy that I decided it was better than nothing.
“I can’t wait,” he said. I looked over at his side profile. He was smiling and when he felt me look at him he turned to me and our mothers excused themselves, leaving us by ourselves.
“If we weren’t in public right now, I’d kiss you,” he whispered and I couldn’t help but giggle.
“You’ll just have to wait,” I whispered back, happy that he remembered my distaste for public displays of affection. But maybe, I would have made an exception for him, if it wasn’t for the voice of a third, interrupting our short moment.
“I can’t believe you two pulled this off.” Our heads both snapped to Regulus Black standing in front of us.
“What, because you didn’t catch on?” Sirius asked, and I laughed.
“How did you even find out?” I asked.
“I have my ways,” he shrugged, “and I had my doubts about this,” he motioned between us, “at the beginning, but then you kissed on New Years Eve and I didn’t think you’d give up your first kiss to my brother so I didn’t really know what to believe” He took a sip of his champagne and I gave him an exasperated look.
“Sorry,” I scoffed, “how did you know I hadn’t had my first kiss.” He finished his champagne in one more sip before shrugging.
“I told you, I have my ways.” Sirius laughed, but I still wore a look of confusion as I tried to figure out how Regulus knew so much.
“You both hated each other,” he continued, “so I wasn’t sure what was going on, but I thought Sirius would ruin it with his philandering ways.” He waved his hand nonchalantly and I laughed, allowing Sirius his turn to frown.
“She could have ruined it as well,” Sirius said, reminding me of a child with the whine in his voice.
“Really?”
“Really?” Regulus and I asked at the same time, turning to give him a look. I raised an eyebrow at him and he smiled sheepishly at me, ignoring Regulus’ look of disbelief and amusement.
“So who caused the big scene at the engagement?” He teased and Sirius and I both gave him an unimpressed look. “That’s the couple I knew.” He was laughing, but Sirius and I weren’t. “Oh well,” he sighed, “at least you got a romantic first kiss out of it.”
“We didn’t even kiss,” Sirius said a little too proudly but then he shot me a look and he looked fearful about how I would react, but I smiled at him and he relaxed.
“What do you mean?” Regulus asked.
“We didn’t kiss.” I confirmed and I could practically see Regulus think.
“No,” he said, “I saw you kiss.”
“You thought you saw us kiss,” Sirius corrected. Regulus squinted his eyes at him questioningly.
“So your first kiss was with Nott, then?” I wanted to tell him a lot of things. Firstly, I wanted to tell him that he was weird for knowing all of this, and then I wanted to yell at him for saying such a stupid and inappropriate thing.
Before I did either of those, I turned to meet Sirius’ gaze, but I stopped once I saw the way his eyebrows were furrowed together and the edges of his lips were curved down.
“Uh, yeah,” I said awkwardly instead, clearing my throat. Regulus smirked at the awkward tension he had created.
“Alright,” he sighed, grabbing a glass of champagne from a server walking by, “you two behave.” He pointed at us with the hand his glass was in before walking away.
I turned to face Sirius.
“I never thought about Nott being your first kiss,” he said and I sighed, not really wanting to have this conversation. .
“You didn’t know I hadn’t had my first kiss,” I said. “It’s fine, you’ll be my last kiss.” I gave him a cheesy grin, but there was still a small grimace on his face. “If it makes you feel any better,” I continued, trying to make him feel better, “I hated every second of it.” He gave me an unconvinced look, but he must not have wanted me to feel like I had to make him feel better because when I said, “I promise,” he chuckled and said, “sure, it’s fine.”
So, foolishly, I continued. “He kissed me and I didn’t even know he was going to kiss me and I went home and cried for the rest of night.” He looked taken aback once I finished my little rant and frowned once more before replying to me.
“That makes me feel worse, actually.” He was looking down at me and I was looking up at him, and even though our conversation wasn’t necessarily a happy one, I couldn’t stop the grin from forming on my face and it seemed neither could Sirius.
We stood like that for a moment before I broke the silence.
“I guess we should go around and greet everyone now.” He gave me a small nod.
“The only reason I want to is so I can call you my girlfriend.” I rolled my eyes at him but took his hand regardless as we made our way around the room.
I thought Sirius and I together would be something that people wouldn’t be able to look away from. I knew word had gotten out quickly that we were back together after his birthday, but it seemed barely anyone was paying attention to us and I seemed to relax as people smiled at us and greeted us politely.
When the Parkinson’s excused themselves from our conversation Sirius and I turned to each other and smiled.
For a moment, everything felt right. I had forgotten about all of the stressful situations he had put me in throughout my life and I was overwhelmed with joy that we had finally made it.
~~~
Once the party was over and everyone had enough cheer in them to last them until the next celebration, I went over to my parents who were waiting to apparate away.
“Is it okay if I go over to Sirius’?” I asked and my mother gave me a weary look.
“Are you sure about this?” She asked, but I knew she really wanted to know if I was sure about him.
“I’m sure,” I confirmed and she gave me a small nod.
“Alright,” she said, “but don’t come home too late.” She pulled me in for a hug and I relaxed in her arms. Everything was going just a little too well, but I didn’t want to stop and dwell on it in case the feeling stopped.
When I finished saying goodbye I walked back to Sirius who was waiting for me with a smile on his face and I reached out to grab his hand.
“Think you’ll survive on the bike again, princess?” He asked, a teasing glint in his eye.
“I’ll just hold on really tight,” I replied sarcastically, a matching look in my eye as I turned and laughed at him.
He gave me his helmet and turned away as I situated myself on the bike, I was glad that no one else was around to watch me do so. With his leather jacket still on me, I wrapped my arms around his tummy once more and this time, when he turned the engine on I didn’t flinch, and when he finally sped off, I buried my face into his back and smiled.
It was the Christmas present I needed yet didn’t know I wanted. The present, of course, being Sirius. It was a weird thought to think that of all the things Sirius and I had gone through to get to this point, it felt that we had always been like this or maybe that it should have always been like this. Really, it just felt right.
We had overcome so much, our past, our bickering, my almost arranged marriage. I wondered if I would ever stop feeling embarrassed about my rejection. At least now I had someone on my arm to distract myself and everyone else from it. And it appeared so did Tiberius.
He had arrived with a young girl on his arm and I wondered if she was in a similar situation to what I was in not long ago. She was a few years younger than me and she was in Slytherin, but she wasn’t part of our society. But I hoped they were happy. I was happy.
The stars were shining above us and when I rested the side of my head on Sirius’ back I could see the moon illuminating the side of the road. The bike vibrated against our bodies and I sighed happily.
Soon enough we were back at Grimmauld Place and as we both got off of the bike, I passed my helmet to Sirius before we made our way inside. His parents and Regulus had already arrived home, but they were in their bedrooms I imagined as they were nowhere to be seen.
I followed Sirius up to his room, our hands intertwined as he stretched his arm out behind him and I stretched mine out in front to hold his as the stairs only allowed one of us to fit at a time.
I followed him in and he turned on the light. His room was clean. There were only a few misplaced trinkets on the surfaces, but it was much cleaner than when I came over on Father’s Day. He must have cleaned it, knowing I was coming, and that made me feel giddy inside.
I hadn’t been up to Sirius’ room since Father’s Day even though I had been over to his house numerous times. It seemed Walburga just couldn’t bear to leave us alone and I knew it was just because she was happy we were finally together. And of course, how much she loved me played a big part in it.
The light made the room shine a hazy yellow and as I took in his room I let out a noise of surprise.
“You took those stupid photos off,” I exclaimed as I walked over to his mirror that no longer had the half-naked women on motorbikes attached to it.
“You’ve barely walked into my room,” he laughed and I turned to face him.
“They’re always the first thing I notice.” I scrunched my face up in disgust at him and he walked over a to me, a mischievous smile on his face.
“I have a new photo now,” he smirked. I froze at his comment knowing what photo he was referring to. I gave him a weary look but he only gave me a cocky grin in return.
“I can’t believe I thought it was a good idea to give it to you,” I laughed awkwardly, completely embarrassed by it.
“I’m glad you did,” he teased and I rolled my eyes at him.
“Is your mother happy they’re gone?” I asked moving past him so I could sit on his bed. My feet were hurting from my shoes and I didn’t want to be standing up longer than what was needed.
“Ecstatic,” he murmured, “think she almost had a heart attack when she saw they were gone.” I laughed at him as he made his way over to sit next to me.
He was grinning down at me and I was smiling up at him, letting the backs of my leg hit his bed frame.
We sat in silence for a moment before his face lit up and he immediately got up and went to a corner in his room.
“I obviously need to replace them,” he said as he found what he was looking for, “but I don’t think my mother would be too fond of the photo you supplied me with no matter how much she loves you.” He had whatever he had found behind his back and I gave him a confused look as he continued, standing in front of me. “So, let’s replace it.” He pulled out his muggle camera from behind his back and I laughed as he sat back down next to me and gave me a questioning look, waiting for my answer.
“Good idea,” I murmured as I let my head fall into his neck. I put my hand on his chest and grinned as he held it up.
“Say ‘I love Sirius,’” he said and I chuckled as the flash went off. “You didn’t say it,” he pouted as he brought the camera back down to his lap as we waited for the photo to process.
“I love Sirius,” I said slowly, enunciating my words as I looked up at him.
“Better,” he said, “and I love you, princess.” He pressed a kiss to the top of my head and I melted into his touch, leaning on his shoulder as we waited for the image to process.
When it did, I immediately loved it.
“It’s perfect,” I said. Our hair was both a little messy from our bike ride, as it seemed neither of us had bothered to fix it, but our smiles were so big that it didn’t even bother me.
“It is,” Sirius murmured and he stood up to go and place it where those otherphotos had once resided.
“So,” I said, crossing my legs on top of his bed and getting comfortable. “Presents?” We hadn’t had a chance to give each other our gifts as I had spent all morning getting ready and when I arrived at Grimmauld Place, there wasn’t enough time to open them considering we were getting there by motorbike. Even if I tried to convince Sirius to apparate so we could do presents beforehand, he was having none of it.
Sirius had put them in his room just before we left and he walked over to his desk and brought them over.
“You first,” he said, handing me my gift.
I reached out to get the tiny bag and I opened it slowly. It seemed the only thing that could fit in there was jewellery and I hoped it was, but I had a feeling that whatever it was, I would love it.
On top was a note and I took it out to read it.
“You know,” I said, “I’m insanely jealous of your handwriting.”
“Why?” He asked, a small smile forming on his lips.
“Because it’s immaculate and I know you don’t even try.” He gave me a confused look so I continued, “and it’s better than mine.” He laughed.
“I’ll write horribly from now on so yours will always be better,” he said.
“Thank you,” I grinned and started reading his note.
Princess
Merry Christmas.
I think Christmas Day has always been an important part of our relationship. But this is the one I will cherish the most. I cannot wait to spend many more Christmas’ with you and make them even better.
Love, Sirius xx
I cooed at his words and he smiled at me as I placed the note next to me and pulled out a tiny box.
“If you don’t like it, you can change it or-” he continued, but I was quick at unwrapping the ribbon tied around it and let out a noise of delight when I saw the shiny ring inside. “I love it,” I exclaimed, taking it out of the box and trying it on.
“I hope it fits,” he mumbled and as I found the right finger for it I turned my hand around so he could look at it.
“It’s beautiful,” I said. He was sitting on his bed with his legs still hanging over the side and I put my weight on my knees as I leant over to kiss his cheek. “But you really didn’t have to buy me something so expensive.” I gave him a look and he laughed. I knew how much this ring would have cost him and I felt bad, I didn’t want him to think he had to spend lots on me.
“Okay,princess,” he said, emphasising his nickname for me, “I can take it back then?” He had a cheeky smile on his face as he took my hand in his and I flexed my fingers so he was holding onto my fingertips and the ring was facing him.
“But it looks so nice on me, don’t you think?” I gave him an innocent look and he pretended to think about it.
“I guess,” he mumbled and I snatched my hand away from his.
“Open yours now,” I said, and he took the bag from me.
He read my note and put it aside before taking out the lump of fabric in the bag. He held it up so he could see it all.
“It’s a leather jacket,” I explained, “but a much nicer one than this one.” I said, referring to the one that was currently still wrapped around me. “I know this one is special,” I said, “but you can wear this one to more fancy events.” I didn’t want him to think that I was trying to replace the one I was still wearing. I understood sentimental value, this leather jacket had obviously gone through a lot. It looked like it had gone through a lot. It was tattered and old and it had some odd smells associated with it which was why it just wasn’t appropriate for every occasion, so I had bought him a much nicer jacket that he could wear and look nice in, while still keeping some of his style.
“I love it,” he said.
“Really?” I asked, not knowing if he was just trying to make me feel better.
“Really,” he confirmed, standing up and trying it on. He looked at himself in the mirror and I grinned. “It’s perfect.” I stood up with him so we were both in the mirror.
“We’re matching,” I giggled and he turned around to get the muggle camera on his bed before turning it to the mirror and taking a photo of us.
“To add to my collection,” he said as we waited for it to process. When it finally developed and he stuck it on the wall he turned to me and held onto my wrists. I moved them so my hands were in his and our fingers were intertwined.
“I can’t believe we’re here,” he whispered.
“Me neither,” I whispered back.
“I love you,” he murmured, bringing his head down to kiss the top of my forehead. I sighed contentedly.
Pairing: Sirius Black x Female Reader Word Count: 7.3k Synopsis: Her and Sirius have a complicated relationship and things get even more complicated when they agree to start a fake relationship to get their parents off their back Warnings: swearing, getting drunk, costumes ;), there’s nothing wrong with what she does at the end, but she thinks it’s wrong because of her upbringing
I felt like a complete fool after I had gone to Sirius’. Nothing had come out of it and I felt stupid that I had originally thought something would.
My mother wasn’t speaking to me and my father was only communicating with me when he had to. The worst part was that my mother probably assumed that Sirius and I were dating. She already thought I was stupid enough for rejecting Tiberius, but I didn’t want to know what she’d do if she found that I didn’t have anyone to fall back on.
I guess part of me wondered if I should have stayed with Tiberius. It’s not like he was a bad boyfriend. I would have had my respectable and comfortable life. I would have been currently preparing for the wedding. I would probably have had to put in my notice at work because my mother nor Tiberius would want me to be working. I would have been miserable because I wouldn’t be with Sirius.
It went like this.
Everything I did reminded me of Sirius. All I could do was picture him sitting next to me on my bed on Easter whenever I was in my room. When I was in the kitchen all I could think about was when I had stood up for him to my mother on Mother’s Day. When I was working I’d be seeing him in the people around me, even if they never could compare to him.
And for a second I’d forget that everything was wrong. It was almost as if I had convinced myself that everything went right that night I went to his house on Father’s Day. Then I’d remember how he pulled away and didn’t say anything and I went home like an idiot.
How could I be so foolish? I’d think. But then I’d remember how he always apologised and how he had given me such a thoughtful gift and how he had respected all of my high maintenance wishes during our fake relationship. So I’d start to blame him. Heledmeon. This was the boy who relentlessly annoyed me as a kid and who I grew to despise during my teenage years. This was the boy who came on my birthday just to tell me that he forgot we weren’t dating when he knew I was with someone else.
Then, my mind would wander to the future. I was twenty now and I had no possible husbands and who would even want me after the humiliating way my last two relationships had ended?
So I tried to think of something else, until minutes later I’d see something that reminded me of Sirius and I’d go down the stupid spiral again.
I was so overwhelmed and frustrated and a part of me thought I was going insane.
And I knew I definitely was when a few days after Father’s Day I received a letter from Sirius. I snatched the letter a bit too roughly from the owl and felt bad so I gave it extra treats. It was nibbling at my hand while I stared at the stupid neat cursive writing I had gotten all too familiar with.
How is my princess? I hope you’re feeling okay. You shouldn’t be worried, but if you are the only person you should be worried about is yourself. I’m here for you.
Sirius xx
It felt like he was taunting me. I’m here for you. But was he really? He wasn’t there for me on Father’s Day.
I went to reply straight away. There were a few things I’d like to say to him. I sat at my desk and pulled a quill out, the ink dripping haphazardly on my desk as I started scribbling. I’m sure he wouldn’t even notice if my writing was messy.
Sirius,
I began, but then I began tapping the end of my quill on the desk. Maybe I didn’t know what to say to him.
I’m not okay.
That was a good start.
I’m not sure why I went over to your house that night, maybe you should forget it ever happened. I wish Icould forget that it ever happened.
The words were coming much easier now and I was writing them down as quickly as I could.
Why didn’t anything happen? Do you think anything could happen between us?
I paused as I realised how desperate it sounded. I couldn’t send this. And I knew I wasn’t going to, but for some reason I continued.
I could’ve been planning the wedding of my dreams right now but I stupidly gave it up for someone who doesn’t even like me back. I think I’m going insane. Not to be dramatic, but if you were sorted in Slytherin, I think I’d be planning our wedding right now.
I let my quill fall on the desk and quickly ripped the note up before throwing it away. I was fighting back tears. Everything was falling apart. Word had quickly gotten out that I had rejected Tiberius, like I thought it would, and after everything that had happened with Sirius this past year, I was sure that there wouldn’t be a lot of words in my favour.
Before I could start crying I put Sirius’ note in the top desk of my drawer where all the other notes he had written for me were stored. His stupid, perfect, elegant script was standing out at me, mocking me, spiting me.
I never replied to him.
~~~
The next celebration was Halloween and unfortunately, it was at Grimmauld Place so I had a pretty good feeling Sirius was going to make an appearance and that was just something else to add to the list of things I was losing my mind over.
I wasn’t entirely sure why the noble wizarding society celebrated Halloween. No one ever really got dressed up besides the young people. I was sure it was just an excuse to eat good food and drink bubbles. Not that I was complaining. I really needed an excuse to eat good food and let the bubbles help me forget how shit my life was becoming.
The outfits were always pretty tame. Most of the older individuals would wear masks and call it a day and the younger ones usually just went with something that was very low key and easily accessible in their wardrobe.
Last year I went as an angel. I wore a short white dress and charmed some wings to flutter, and a halo to light up.
“You’re not a very convincing angel,” an annoying voice murmured in my ear that night. I turned to face the familiar voice and scowled. Sirius was wearing black slacks which actually fit him quite well and a white t-shirt with black suspenders. There was a fake blood stain on one side of his shirt and he had a fake muggle gun in his pocket.
“And what are you meant to be?” I asked boredly.
“A mafia boss,” he responded as if it was obvious. I looked him up and down and gave him an unconvincing look.
“At least people know what I am.” I shrugged, walking towards one of the tables and grabbing a chocolate. Unfortunately, he followed. “And of course I’m a convincing angel, I’m angelic.” He laughed loudly as I unwrapped the chocolate and ate it.
“That’s what everything thinks,” he said, “but only if they knew the way you spoke to me.” I rolled my eyes at him. “An angel wouldn’t roll their eyes at me,” he argued. “Sometimes you hurt my feelings, y'know, and I don’t think that’s very angelic.” He gave me a dramatic pout and I gave him a judgemental look.
“Have you ever stopped to think that maybe that’s your fault? If you’re the only one who doesn’t see me as an angel then you’re the anomaly.” I shrugged and he smirked at me.
“Please,” he said, “I’m not trying to fool anyone, I know I’m a demon.”
“I’d say you’re more of a devil,” I hummed, as if I was really thinking about it. He went to say something but I saw Narcissa walking past and quickly called out to her and left Sirius by himself.
It was weird to think that at that moment I had no idea what was to happen in the following year. I had no idea how close Sirius and I were going to become.
I wasn’t sure what I was going to go as this year. I was so busy with work and all of these horrendous thoughts constantly swirling through my head that, if I was being honest, I hadn’t even thought about it.
Now, it was the night before Halloween and I had no idea what to do. It was midnight and I was exhausted. I thought maybe I could go as an angel again. I usually would never repeat an outfit in such a big crowd, but I was desperate and I think, at the moment, people had much worse things to say about me than the fact that I was an outfit repeater.
I contemplated asking my mother in the morning, but we were still playing the silent game and I wasn’t going to admit defeat nor was I willing for her to find out that I had rejected Tiberius for nothing.
The light in my walk-in wardrobe was harsh on my tired eyes and I groaned as I flicked through my clothes and found a lack of costumes. When I got to the end I gave them a much larger push than what was necessary in frustration, moving them away from the wall and revealing a piece of fabric that I had shoved in the corner.
For a brief second of ignorant bliss I forgot what it was and bent down to pick it up. I huffed when I realised it was that stupid outfit Sirius had bought me on Valentine’s Day. I rolled my eyes at the memory and threw it quickly back in the corner, folding my arms and huffing again as I walked to sit on the seat on my dresser.
Stupid Sirius.
Stupid Sirius who calls me princess. Stupid Sirius who found a new nickname for me when I told him not to call me darling. Stupid Sirius who tried to call me princess to annoy me, but continued when he found out I liked it because, foolishly, that was all I ever wanted to be. A princess. A princess with a respectable and comfortable life. His princess.
I sat up straighter at the thought. Of course. A princess.
~~~
My parents were dressed elegantly, with masks covering their eyes. We were waiting outside Grimmauld Place waiting until more people moved in so we could escape the cool air. The sun had just set and with no beaming light, it was chilly outside.
We stood there in awkward silence until we were let in. I could hear gothic music playing from inside and I wanted to comment on it, but we hadn’t spoken all afternoon and stubbornly, I wasn’t going to be the one to break it.
“Welcome,” Walburga’s face was tight as she looked at the three of us. She sent me a relaxed smile, but it was so quick I wouldn’t have been surprised if I imagined it.
“Thank you for having us.” My mother gave her a tight lipped smile remembering the last time they spoke and we walked in. I wasn’t entirely sure, but I was confident in my guess that my mother and Walburga hadn’t been on speaking terms since the Lestrange engagement which made me quite sad considering they were close before.
I departed from my parents and made my way around to greet my friends. A few people complimented me on my outfit, but most people were either unashamedly staring at me as if they couldn’t believe I had shown up or were giving me sympathetic smiles. I wasn’t sure what was worse.
I understood it. I guessed. A lot of people originally thought I was an idiot for going out with Sirius Black, and then most of them would have thought the scene between Sirius and myself was too dramatic, and now that everyone knew I had turned down Tiberius, I couldn’t even imagine what they thought of me.
I walked around and admired the decorations, trying to ignore the stares from the people around me. There were carved pumpkins illuminating the room and cobwebs hanging from all surfaces with fake spiders charmed to look like they were spinning the web. There were some ghost and monster artefacts lying around as well, but more importantly, there were chocolates and lollies thrown around the table and I couldn’t resist. I went to grab a chocolate and began to unwrap it before I was interrupted.
“Princess?” I didn’t even get a chance to taste the chocolate.
“What?” I turned around to face him and scowl, but my mouth was left open in shock instead. I had worn a pink glittery dress. It was fitted around my chest and the sleeves hung loosely around my biceps. It flared out at the bottom and I was wearing sparkly heels to match the sparkly diamond tiara in my hair that I, fortunately, already had. Sirius had come in an old fashioned suit. He had a puffy white shirt on and a navy blue vest, and in his long curly hair that looked as neat as I had ever seen it was a golden plastic crown. “What the fuck?”
I frowned as I looked him up and down and he did the same to me, but he was beaming. I was suddenly a bit annoyed that Sirius had matched me. I thought I was so smart for coming as a princess and maybe a part of me wanted to see his reaction to it because I thought he wouldn’t even expect it, but apparently he had because he was a prince.
“I knew you’d come as a princess.” I frowned because I didn’t even know I was coming as a princess over twelve hours ago.
“Don’t you think this is more of a couples outfit?” The chocolate was beginning to make my fingers sticky so I ate it, focusing on my chewing to get my mind off this.
I hadn’t even considered how bad it would look for me to be seen with Sirius so soon after I had broken up with and then rejected Nott because I was so affronted. Everything was so confusing and I just wanted people to like me and to be that golden child once more, but I just wasn’t sure how.
“Oh.” Sirius looked a bit flustered and I tried to remember a time I had ever seen him like this. “I mean I guess, I just thought it would be funny.”
“Sure,” I rolled my eyes and patted his chest before walking away. I didn’t really know what to say. My heart was pounding and my palms were hot so I grabbed a glass of champagne from a server passing by and drank it in one sip. I don’t know why but I thought it would cool me down. Maybe it would relax me and that was exactly what I needed.
The most drunk I had ever gotten at one of these events was on New Years Eve when Sirius and I were still doing our fake relationship charade. I didn’t like getting too drunk because it was never a good image. But my image wasn’t in everyone’s favour at the moment and I figured if there was ever a chance for me to get absolutely smashed on bubbles, now was the time.
Besides, I really needed to stop thinking about everything that had happened to me these past few months. I needed a break from the constant thought of Sirius in my mind and how stupid I was to ever think he liked me back. And from the constant nagging of my mother’s voice in my head telling me how foolish I was to reject Nott’s proposal. I needed the worries of what would happen to me to go away and I was feeling pretty confident that if I drank enough champagne, everything would just disappear and life would become easier. For just a few hours.
I walked around the room, trying to seem natural as I tried to find another server with champagne. As I made my way across the room I noticed some of Sirius’ friends were there. Only James, Lily, Peter, and Remus. I foolishly wondered where Harry was.
I wondered why his friends were even here. I had seen them at his birthday celebrations, but they had never shown up to these high society events. I wondered what he had to do to convince Walbruga to let in a bunch of blood traitors. If I didn’t have a million other things to worry about, I would have dwelled on it.
Instead, I found another server and drank the glass in one sip. When I looked up I made the mistake of making eye contact with Lily Potter who waved over at me and motioned for me to come to her as if we were good friends.
There were alarm bells going off in my head. Firstly, I found it strange that she was being so friendly to me after being so not-friendly my entire Hogwarts experience. Especially after I had broken up with one of her good friends. Surely he had told them and had said horrible things about me. It was the Sirius thing to do. Then, there was the issue that she was a muggleborn and even if my reputation was already tarnished, I knew the one way to make it worse was to be seen talking to a muggleborn.
I looked around to make sure she was waving at me and not someone else, and when I turned back, she was already making her way towards me.
“Hi!” She beamed and I thought she also must have had something to drink because it was a stark contrast to the way she greeted me on St. Patrick’s Day.
She walked over to me and gave me a hug and I tensed as I quickly wrapped one arm around her and immediately pulled away. I looked over at his other friends who waved at me and I awkwardly waved back. They were sitting on one of the lounges in the corner. James and Lily were wearing matching pirate costumes, Peter had D.I.Y mouse ears resting on his head, and I wasn’t sure what or who Remus was, but he had on a long coat and was carrying a book I wasn’t familiar with.
The right thing to do was to quickly tell her that she looked nice and that I hope her and her family are well before politely excusing myself before anyone saw I was talking to her, but the champagne must have started to effect me because instead I stupidly asked, “Where’s Harry?”
“He’s at home,” she pouted, “this is our first night without him.” For some reason, I frowned. “It’s so cute that you and Sirius wore matching outfits.” I gave her a weary look and let out an awkward chuckle. She seemed happy and I was very confused, but I didn’t really want to talk to her about whatever was going on between myself and Sirius Black.
“I guess we just know each other too well.” It wasn’t a lie.
She practically squealed and I tried to steady my breathing as I thought about how bad this would look to anyone watching. Sure, my life was already about to be over, but I could get out of this and find a respectable husband, get married, have children and pretend that this last year never even happened. But to be seen with a muggleborn? My life would be over forever.
“Are you stealing my friends, princess?” There was an arm over my shoulder and I shrugged it off.
“I was just saying how cute you two look.” I could see Lily smiling out of my peripheral vision as I glared up at Sirius who was giving me an amused smirk.
“Don’t we always?” He asked before breaking eye contact with me. Lily rolled her eyes and turned around as James called out to her and she walked away, leaving me alone with Sirius.
“Are you okay?” I nodded, but I didn’t look at him. “I have to admit something.” For the tiniest second I thought that I was going to get what I went over to his house on Father’s Day for and I quickly turned to face him. “I never told them we broke up.” I was so ready to hear the words I had been longing to hear that it took me a moment to process what he said.
“What?”
“Well it just happened all of a sudden and I thought that we’d get back together, but then you got with Nott and I didn’t want to tell them that because then it would seem like you left me for him, which you kinda did, and-”
“You need to stop talking.” I was on the verge of tears for some reason and I looked up at the ceiling so they wouldn’t fall.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“Yeah,” I said.
We stood in silence for a moment as I continued to stare at the ceiling. Sirius didn’t say anything and I was grateful because I didn’t want him to see me cry and I knew that if I had to speak, I would. So he just watched me try not to. I half wished he would leave, but the other half of me was glad he didn’t.
“Aren’t you two just the cutest matching couple?” I turned away from the ceiling when I heard Regulus’ voice. “It’s so cute I want to vomit.” He rested an arm on Sirius’ shoulder and finished whatever was in his cup. He was wearing devil horns and he had a plastic pitchfork in the hand that wasn’t holding his drink.
“Shut up, Regulus.” Sirius groaned, but I only smiled at him. Regulus seemed to like that I was on his side because he continued.
“I’m so happy you made up, it was getting boring seeing Sirius all mopey and sad,” he pouted dramatically, “did he tell you that mother even let him invite his blood traitor friends because he was so upset about it?” He turned to smirk at Sirius whose jaw was clenched as he glared at Regulus. I had been under a few of Sirius Black’s glares, but I had never seen any as intense as this one. Normally, I would’ve laughed at his dramatic nature, or teased Sirius about this information that Regulus had so kindly shared, but I was feeling a little fuzzy and thought that if he was that upset about me breaking up with him, he should’ve done something about it.
“Who said we made up?” I folded my arms across my chest and gave an innocent look to them both.
Regulus let out an awkward chuckle and cleared his throat.
“That’s embarrassing, isn’t it? I need another drink.” He pushed himself off Sirius, gave him a look that I didn’t understand, and quickly walked off leaving me alone to avoid Sirius’ gaze.
“What does that mean? Are you still angry at me?” I wanted to walk away, but for some reason I stood still and met his gaze, giving him an unimpressed look.
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Why not?” I couldn’t really explain it because I felt like he wouldn’t understand and I didn’t need this to escalate and turn into something else to make me mad at him.
“You’re insane,” he grumbled and I huffed at him.
“You’reinsane.” He scoffed and rolled his eyes at my horrible attempt to get the last word in.
He was so infuriating. The whole reason I had said no to Nott was so that I could be with him, and maybe it wasn’t his fault for wanting me back, but it was his fault for making me think that he wanted me. Right? But then, did he really show that he wanted me?
I was working myself up. This was why I needed more champagne. I wanted to stop thinking about this.
“I also need another drink.“ I stormed off and I heard him go to say something, but then sigh in frustration before I assume he went to go and sit down with his friends.
I walked around the room, casually trying to find a server with more champagne. When I did, I drank it again in one gulp. Usually, my goal was to drink just enough to keep me sane and confident while talking to all of these people, but tonight, I just wanted to forget everything that had happened this year. Which was why I needed another one.
“You shouldn’t drink so fast, you’ll get a headache.” A voice said as I turned to pass my empty glass to the server and I frowned as I picked up another.
“I thought you weren’t talking to me,” I said to my mother, holding the new glass in my hand. I also didn’t want to have this conversation right now. I knew I made a stupid decision and I didn’t need my mother knowing that.
“I saw you talking to those blood traitors,” she whispered as if someone might hear us over the music and chatter. I wanted to roll my eyes, but I was scared because if she saw, then who else?
“They were speaking to me,” I shrugged. What was worse was that Lily wasn’t a blood traitor, she was a muggleborn. But I wasn’t going to remind my mother of that.
“Like that makes a difference to these people.” She rolled her eyes and I nervously tugged at one of the layers on my dress. “You’ve already ruined us by rejecting Nott and going back to Sirius.” At his name I shot a glance over at him. I was sad and I was sure that it was reflected in my face because when my mother followed my gaze she gave me a doubtful look. “You went to Sirius’ house on Father’s Day, didn’t you?”
I felt like I was being interrogated and I knew what was coming.
“Yes.” She couldn’t prove anything from that.
“So you could be with Sirius?” I was a horrible liar and I was scared she’d see right through me.
“That was the plan.” When I didn’t look at her she put two and two together.
“You stupid girl,” she emphasised each word and I felt a wave of heat wash over me in humiliation. I already knew how stupid I was, I didn’t want her knowing that or reminding me. “But you’re not together?”
“No,” I mumbled softly in hopes she wouldn’t hear. She let out a manic laugh.
“I was eventually going to forgive you because I thought you at least had Sirius to fall back on. You and Tiberius were only together for a few short months, I could have made sure everyone forgot about them. But you gave up on a respectable marriage with no one to fall back on?” She laughed and I felt like a child again. So helpless. “You’re not my daughter.”
A server walked past with more champagne and my mother took one and walked away, mumbling under breath and shaking her head. I drank the champagne in my hand in one sip before getting a new one from the same server. I felt like I was going to cry so I quickly walked away, trying to find a less crowded place.
I think what upset me the most was knowing that I was right. Everyone here thought I was an idiot. That I was stupid. I was never going to be the golden child again and that was the hardest hit I had received from reality.
I sighed when I realised how alone I was. I had gotten used to having Sirius on my arm and annoying me at these events and now, I had absolutely no one.
I made my way over to sit on one of the empty chairs in the corner and I skulled my drink so I could get a new one from one of the servers as I walked past.
When I sat down I felt it hit me. My legs turned to jelly and I was feeling very light-headed. I decided to give myself a little break as I held the new champagne glass loosely in my hand. I also didn’t want to have to stand up and find another one anytime soon, my feet were already hurting from my shoes and I wasn’t sure I’d be able to hold myself up either.
I was happy to sit down and be upset with my thoughts, but before I could process what was happening I could hear a chair scraping towards me and before I knew it I was sitting next to Tiberius Nott.
“Hi,” he said. I stared at him dumbly.
“Hi,” I eventually muttered back. What was going on?
“How are you?” He didn’t seem angry, but he did seem upset and now I was even more sad then what I was when I decided to sit here like a loner.
“I’m really sorry.” I frowned up at him and he gave me a sad smile back.
“It’s okay,” he said, but it wasn’t convincing. “I just,” he turned to face me better, “I don’t understand what you see in Black.” It was like my eyes knew where he was because they instantly found him. I turned back to Tiberius to be respectful. “You could have so much more, do you know how many people in this room would do anything to be with you?” I gave him a confused look.
“No they wouldn’t.” I wanted to tell him that my parents, that I, had been trying to find someone my whole life and I kept coming up short, but I didn’t want to sound more pathetic than what I already felt.
“They would,” he insisted, “everyone’s mother loves you, you’re pretty, smart, and successful, and there are some eligible people out there if you look properly.” I couldn’t hold his gaze anymore so I looked down at the champagne glass in my hand. “And even after all of this, I know if you asked any one of these guys absolutely anything, their answer would always be yes.” I felt like he was telling me that I shouldn’t wait for people to ask me and should instead ask them, but I wasn’t sure why considering our history. I thought he would be mad at me, so I wasn’t expecting this.
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Because I don’t want to see you throw away the life you deserve. I got to know you quite well in those few months, do you really want to give everything up for a boy?” I wanted to laugh and say, ‘What? And give everything up for a manlike you?’ but even though my head was incredibly fuzzy, I knew that would be cruel when Tiberius was trying to help me.
There was so much to think about and I couldn’t meet his eyes. He let out a sigh and rested the palms of his hands on thighs. “Do with that what you will, I’m sorry we didn’t work out.”
I wanted to tell him that I was sorry too. That I didn’t mean for us to end on bad terms and that I didn’t want to absolutely humiliate him in front of both our families. I had been the one humiliated in the past, I knew how horrible it felt.
I also wanted to thank him for giving me this confidence boost which I currently needed, but he was gone and I was sitting by myself again.
The more I thought about it, the more I realised he was right. Just because I had two failed relationships in the span of a few months didn’t mean that I couldn’t still be the golden child. If anything, it should look bad on Sirius and Tiberius for not being able to keepthegolden child.
I finished the rest of the champagne in my glass which was a bad idea because I wobbled when I stood up.
But maybe, no one cared what I had done or what I did or what I was about to do. No one was staring at me anymore, they all had enough champagne in their systems to become so self absorbed that my issues were nothing to them.
I looked around the room and I found him.
Even Rosier was a year younger than me. He was in Slytherin, he came from a pureblood family, and he was cute. We had always been friendly growing up, but because we weren’t in the same year we were never exceptionally close, despite being in the same friend group. I wasn’t sure what I planned to gain out of this, all I knew was that he was attractive and Sirius didn’t like him.
Regulus had always been close with him and I knew that Regulus might tease me for the decisions I was about to make, but he would never judgeme for it. At least, that’s what I thought.
So I wobbled over to Regulus and Evan who were sitting on one of the main lounges. I squished myself right between them and pushed my hair back so it was out of my face.
“Hello,” Regulus chuckled.
“Hi,” I giggled, looking directly at Evan and giving my back to Regulus. Evan was smiling back, a look of amusement crossing his face as he took me in. We were staring at each other and I was blinking fast and I was feeling dizzy, but I tried not to let it show.
“Are you drunk?” Regulus asked and I flickered my eyes back and over to him for a second before returning to Evan.
“Why would you ask that?” I was still giggling and Evan chuckled. Regulus scoffed and for a moment I thought the scoff had negative connotations associated with it. “I haven’t spoken to you in so long.” I pouted up at Evan and he smirked.
“Too long.” I felt the lounge lift up and noticed that I no longer felt Regulus’ knee against mine, but my attention was focused only on Evan. “How have you been?” I wanted to tell him that I hadn’t been doing great. That I was actually really upset and was having an almost quarter-life crisis, but I knew even in my horrendously drunk state that that wasn’t going to turn this conversation in the direction I wanted it to go.
“You know me,” I shrugged, but I never got to finish the rest of the sentence because someone was standing in front of me and clearing their throat.
“Can we talk?” I glared up at the prince standing in front of me.
“I’m talking to Evan,” I motioned between us, giving him an incredulous look.
“Well you can talk another time, this is more important.” I stared up at him, raising an eyebrow at him. I wasn’t going to move and he wasn’t going to force me to move so I guess we were stuck at this stalemate.
“Evan, move.” His voice was low and it sounded rough so Evan stood up.
“Hey!” I complained, reaching my arm out for Evan, but he was standing too far away and I couldn’t reach him. “That’s rude.”
“I’ll talk to you later.” He gave me a soft smile, but then he glared at Sirius. I wasn’t sure where Regulus was, but Sirius was now sitting next to me and facing me. I turned so he got my side profile.
“Are we okay?” He asked.
“Why wouldn’t we be?” I was getting sick of him continuously asking me this. I still wasn’t looking at him, but I could tell that he was also getting frustrated at my answers.
“You just broke up with Nott.” I wanted to thank him for stating the obvious, but my mind was very fuzzy and the words weren’t coming out fast enough,
“No,” I said, “I declined his marriage proposal. Now I need to find someone else or I’ll look stupid.”
“What about me?” His voice was so soft that I turned to face him so I could give him a reassuring smile and promise him that the reason I had broken up with Nott was so that I could have him.
He was looking at me with these sad eyes that I had never seen before. I felt bad that I had upset him.
No. I was supposed to be angry at him. With my head spinning I wasn’t entirely sure why anymore, but that wasn’t important.
For some reason, I decided to hurt him further. Maybe if I hurt him how he hurt me we would be even and then we could move on. Or something like that. My thoughts were too slow in my very fuzzy brain.
“What about you?” I gave him a bored look as if he was wasting my time and that must have made him angry because he scoffed and said in a low voice, “you’re drunk.”
“Yes, I am,” I confirmed, “and what about it?” He shook his head at me. “I still know that after I rejected Nott no one came to make me an offer, so I guess I’m all alone.”
“Are you kidding me?” His voice had gotten louder but when I shot him a dirty look he continued so only I could hear him. “You were fucking bawling your eyes, pouring your heart out to me. You were vulnerable and I wasn’t going to take advantage of that.” He had a point but everything was hazy and all I cared about was the fact that I needed his validation more than anything that night and I hadn’t got it.
“Well why do you think I came over?” It was my turn for my voice to get loud but he didn’t care. “So I could tell you my sob story and leave? I came over because I wanted you to tell me I had made the right decision, that I was going to be okay.” My voice broke. “That we were going to be okay.” I finally took a quick glance around the room. No one even seemed to care that we were talking and for some reason that made me relax. “But you didn’t, so now I need to find someone else so everyone can forget about the stupid mistakes I’ve made this year.”
“You never replied to my letter.” He had a challenging look in his eye and for some reason, I thought he had won whatever this was.
“I didn’t know what to say.” I stuck my chin out as if I thought I still had a chance of winning. “Of course I wasn’t doing well, but we’re barely even friends so why should I let you know?”
“Why’d you come as a princess, then?” He had moved closer to me. His thigh was squished against mine and somehow our faces had gotten very close.
“Why’d you come as a prince?” I challenged a little too quickly.
“Because I’m charming,” he said sarcastically.
“Well I’m elegant.”
“Sure, princess.” We both rolled our eyes.
But for some reason my whole body had turned hot at the way he said that. Sure, princess.
There was just something about it that just made me feel…hot. I knew I was drunk because for some reason I was now nervous to look at Sirius. Nervous to look into his grey eyes that were always searching mine in a way that made me feel he really wanted to know what was behind them for whatever reason. I didn’t want to notice the way I knew his jaw would be clenched or the way his facial bones always stuck out. I chose instead to focus on his hand which was resting on the side of his thigh, but that was a mistake because he had long fingers and veiny hands and for some reason my heart was beating really quickly and I was still so hotand-
“I have to go.” I couldn’t read the look on his face and I didn’t want to stare at it too long so I walked the other way.
I quickly found my mother and muttered, “I drank too much, I’m going home,” which, really, wasn’t a lie. She let out a noise as if she thought I was being ridiculous, but she didn’t fight me and so I walked outside and apparated back home.
I went straight up to my bed and was quickly taking my dress off. I was just so hot.
I went to put my dress back in my closet before I saw that stupid piece of fabric again in the corner. I pulled it up and held it in front of me. It was so short I didn’t think it would even completely cover my bum.
I stared at it. It was pink and glittery and in some ways, it reminded me of the dress I had just put away.
I still had my tiara and high heels on.
For some reason, I decided to put the stupid piece of fabric on. I guess you could say it fit, but it would be better to say that it fit how it was meant to. It unsettled me that Sirius had guessed my size accurately, but I didn’t want to dwell on it and with the bubbles still travelling through my body, it was easy to forget.
I looked good. I always looked good. But I always dressed modestly and elegantly, my mother would have a heart attack if I ever wore anything as short as this. I’m not sure if it was the confidence boost that Tiberius had given me, or the bubbles coursing through me, or even what Sirius had said moments before, but I was feeling a bit too confident and went to go find my camera.
I sat down in front of my full-length mirror so my cleavage was on full display and the end of the fabric rested very high on my thighs. For some reason, I took a photo.
It was being processed immediately and as I saw the colour start to show a wave of humiliation drowned me.
What the fuck was I doing? I was not the type of girl who took pictures like this to feel good about myself. I wasn’t the type of girl who got very drunk and flirted with boys and spoke to muggleborns. I wasn’t the type of girl who publicly broke up with her boyfriend and rejected a stable future and went against her parents wishes.
I frowned down at the picture. It felt like I was looking at a different person. She didn’t look like me and I didn’t look like her.
I didn’t really know who I was anymore and stupidly all I could think was that Sirius Black really did have a horrible effect on me.
I huffed and practically ripped the fabric off of me, wanting to forget that I had ever been so stupid. I folded it away and packed the camera up, but for some reason, I put the photo with all of the notes I had received from Sirius in my top drawer.
I blamed it all on him. If he hadn’t asked to fake date me he never would have gotten me that stupid outfit and I never would have done this. If he hadn’t humiliated me in front of everyone I never would have gotten with Tiberius. If he had just told me how he felt then we wouldn’t be here. Drunk and feeling shitty about myself while having no idea what Sirius Black was thinking.
I started crying and then sometime afterward, I fell asleep.
summary: when a slytherin classmate asks you out, you gladly accept. but why is sirius so upset about it?
warnings: angst + fluff
word count: 3.0k
note: not sure if the title makes sense but i was listening to i wanna be yours by arctic monkeys while writing this soo…. enjoyy
“who were you just talking to? seemed awfully friendly.”
a smile pulled at your lips as you approached your friends, grinning at lily’s question. “vincent richmond. he’s in our year.” you replied.
“who!?”
and that would be sirius black, who nearly spat out his juice at your mention of the boy’s name. “vincent richm-” you go to repeat but sirius interjects again. “no, i heard you. what i meant to say was.. why?”
you ignored sirius and turned back to lily, “as i was saying, he asked me to go to hogsmeade with him this weekend.” you tell her excitedly.
“he what!?”
“sirius please, i’m trying to have a conversation with lily.”
sirius shook his head, moving closer to you. “so what did he say when you rejected him?” he asked as he raised his eyebrows. you rolled your eyes as you let out a sigh. “i didn’t reject him.” his eyes grow wide, “you didn’t?” he almost whispers as if saying it too loud might get him in trouble.
“i didn’t.”
“why not?” his voice is much louder now. you look at him with disbelief and confusion. “why not? uhh i don’t know. maybe because he’s nice-”
“nice? he’s a slytherin! lily, tell her she can’t go on this date.” he looks over to your friend. she shrugs, “she can make her own decisions, sirius. in fact, i encourage it.”
sirius’ mouth opens in shock. “encourage it? why?”
“well, she’s been hung up on-” she’s cut off by a nudge. her eyes widen as she realized what she’s almost revealed. meeting your glare, she offers you an apologetic smile.
“i mean, you know, it’s just a date. let her have fun.” she awkwardly stumbles through her sentence, shamefully looking down to her food once she’s finished.
“homework!” you suddenly call out. “i forgot my potions essay in the dorm, i’ll go fetch it.” it wasn’t a lie, you really did forget, but thankfully it gave you the opportunity to leave the conversation and get away from sirius.
you couldn’t believe him. why was he so against you and vincent? it annoyed you to no end, or rather it confused you. but that seemed to be your friendship with him, confusing. sirius black was in possession of something very dangerous, charm. and unfortunately, you fell victim to it.
everyone knew he was a natural flirt. all he had to do was flash a cheeky smile and girls fell at his feet. and oh, how you tried not to fall for it, tried to resist. but the heart is a fickle thing, is it not?
but the risk of your friendship was too big. during your time at hogwarts, sirius had become a very good friend of yours. he was spontaneous, fun, but most of all loyal. you treasured the relationship you had with him, and not wanting to jeopardize it, you decide to keep your growing feelings for the boy to yourself. who even knows if he felt the same?
it was hard at first. so much so, that lily took notice how your gaze lingered on him, how you laughed a little louder at his jokes. once she confronted you, you knew you couldn’t keep it from her. however, telling her of your feelings had proved to be helpful. somehow getting everything off your chest aided you in getting over the long haired boy. although, not completely.
once you retrieved your homework, you quickly made haste so as not to miss your first class when you were stopped by sirius. “what?”
“are you really going to hogsmeade with richmond?”
you let out a sigh, running a hand through your hair. “i am.” sirius’ shoulders sag at your answer, head slowly hanging down. “but why?” you stayed silent for a moment, waiting until sirius meets your eyes once again. “because he asked me.”
“you can’t go out with him.” he insists to which you rolled your eyes. “why is that?” you challenged, crossing your arms over your chest as you stared him down. “b-because he’s a slytherin!”
“so?” you tilt your head at him. “so? so, he’s evil?” he exclaims. “evil? sirius, you don’t even know him.”
“neither do you!”
your hand comes up to your temple, rubbing it in frustration. “exactly, so i’m going on this date to decide for myself what kind of person he is.”
“but-”
“why are you against this? as my friend, i’d think you want me to be happy.”
sirius jaw clenches at your words, “is that what you think? i don’t want you to be happy?” you press your lips together as you shrug your shoulders, “i don’t what else to think, sirius!”
“i’m only acting this way because i want you to be happy; i’m looking out for you!”
“looking out for me? you haven’t given me a valid reason as to why i shouldn’t go out with vincent.”
“yes i have.”
“no, you’ve only shown your contempt for him about twenty times over.”
“i told you, he’s tricking you. he’s a snake.”
“because that’s the only reason someone would ever express interest in me. to make me the butt of some joke?”
sirius looks taken aback at your statement, “that is not at all what i said, you are not listening to me.”
“i think i’ve listened enough.” you huff. the tension is high, a few of your fellow students lingering in the hallway to listen in on the argument. the both of you are practically fuming with anger. “oh have you?” sirius snarks. you nod at him. he shakes his head, “you know, i’m only looking out for you,” his voice is stern. “i don’t want to see you get hurt.” he added.
“i can take care of myself.”
sirius nodded, lips pursed as he let out a sigh, “fine. but don’t come crying to me when it all goes to shit!” he called out before turning on his heel. “don’t worry, i won’t need to!” you yell at his retreating figure.
-
it’s hogsmeade weekend, which means it’s time for your date with vincent. you had been giddy about it all week, save for the spat you had with sirius. you haven’t spoken to him since, not that he made any effort either.
nonetheless you were gonna go on this date and you were gonna have a good time, regardless of what sirius thinks.
with the help of the girls, you picked out a great outfit and did your hair. after a small pep talk from your friends, you were off to hogsmeade. vincent told you he’d meet you at the three broomsticks and from then on you’d see where the day takes you. the girls sent you off while they went to honeydukes, wishing you good luck as they did so.
-
“she’s really going on the date.”
“sorry mate.” james comforted sirius as he laid on his bed, head buried in a pillow. the boys had decided to sit this hogsmeade weekend. mostly for sirius’ sake. he didn’t want to risk the chance of running into you, of running into you and vincent. “it’s just one date, pads. who knows what’ll come of it.” james continued. “but now she’s angry at me.” sirius groaned.
“i don’t blame her.” remus decides to speak up. sirius lifts his head from the pillow. “et tu, moony?”
“you were being a git. she’s right to be angry with you.”
“i was only trying to warn her- how could she go out with him?”
“well, i’m sure if you told her the actual reason you don’t want her going on this date, she wouldn’t currently be on the date.” remus pointed out, james nodding in agreement. “he’s right, pads.”
“oh, what do you know? you’ve been pining after lily for the past six years and she still won’t give you the time of day.”
“okay, i know you didn’t mean that. you’re hurt because the girl you’re in love with is currently on a date with someone else. so i forgive you. cheap shot, though.”
sirius gasps, “woah, woah. in love? i’m not in love with y/n.” he says, looking up to his friends who now have unamused looks on their faces. “i’m not! wormy, back me up here.” sirius urges peter, who looks away awkwardly, not saying anything. sirius mouth falls open. “really, wormtail?”
“it’s pretty obvious, padfoot.” peter spoke softly, james and remus both hum in agreement. “obvious to everyone but him. and y/n, apparently.” remus adds. sirius shakes his head.
“i’m not in love. she’s my friend and i want the best for her.” james goes to interject but sirius continues, “okay maybe i have a little crush, but can you blame me? she’s amazing. she’s so smart and brave. and funny. and i love spending time with her, it’s the best part of my day-”
james, remus and peter all share knowing glances as sirius rambles on, fighting off smiles when sirius gets up to pace around the room all the while still talking.
“.. her hair always sits so pretty and she smells amazing and it’s not that i don’t want her to date, i just don’t want her dating anyone but me-” sirius pauses in his rant and his pacing. his eyebrows furrow before his eyes widen as if he came to a realization.
“i’m in love with y/n.”
“finally!” the boys shout in unison at his revelation, getting up to pat him on the back. they celebrate for a bit before sirius freezes. “i have to stop that date.”
-
it had been thirty minutes and vincent still hasn’t shown up. you’d stood outside the three broomsticks for five minutes before deciding to go in to look for him. when he wasn’t inside, your mood started to deflate, but you decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. so you went back outside and kept on waiting.
while your patience was growing thin, your anger was getting stronger. you were ready to leave and look for your friends when you heard vincent’s voice.
“i told you!” as he came closer into view, you saw that he wasn’t alone. he was joined by a group of boys. and they were laughing, some were even pointing at you. furious, you stomp over to vincent.
“do you know how long i’ve been waiting?”
the smug look on his face doesn’t falter, “30 minutes? give or take?” he smirks at you and your face drops. “what?”
vincent let out a barking laugh, “oh, you didn’t actually think i was interested in you, did you?” your eyes widen in shock, unable to find the words. “oh you did, didn’t you? too bad.”
your fists clench at your side at the sound of his voice, his laughter, his friend’s laughter. “so what, this was all just some dumb joke?”
“a bet, dollface. i suppose i should thank you, i’m a few galleons richer because of you. pay up, fellas!”
“you’re awful.”
“good thing i don’t care.” his friends break out into laughter once more, oh the dreadful sound. you were about to storm off but not before reaching for your wand and casting a few jinx spells.
-
you were currently being comforted by lily and marlene. they’d found you in the common room, sobbing on the couch. you would have gone up to your dorms but since everyone was at hogsmeade you had settled for the common room.
your sobs have stopped by now, but tears still flowed freely down your cheeks. “i’m such an idiot.” you sniffled. “no, you’re not. he’s the idiot.” marlene assured, her hand comfortingly resting on your back. “she’s right. you are an amazing girl and he’s an absolute arse for doing that to you.” lily spoke.
“merlin, he was right.” you sighed, burying your face in your hands. lily and marlene share a confused look, “who? vincent.”
“no,” you groan, “sirius-”
frantic footsteps can be heard suddenly, interrupting you. they get louder and louder until they reach the common room. you freeze at the sound of his voice. all four of the marauders are now in the room. you quickly wipe away at your tears and attempt to regulate your breathing. they spot lily and marlene first.
“girls, have you seen y/n-” james’ voice falters as he walks closer and spots you on the couch. at his abrupt silence, sirius quickly runs over to see why james had stopped talking. sirius freezes at the sight of you. surrounded by tissues. eyes red and puffy and cheeks flushed.
remus and peter soon join them, equally shocked at the situation. “what happened?” remus spoke softly, voice concerned. “nothing.” you quickly say, hoping they didn’t hear the crack in your voice. “but you’re crying.”
“i’m fine.”
“are you sure-”
“yes!” you look up to see the boys’ worried looks, you heave a sigh as you feel another tear falling down. not trusting your voice, you gesture to lily and marlene, giving them the okay to tell them what happened.
“vincent.”
sirius’ jaw clenches at the name, he has been quiet all this time, his eyes never leaving you. “the date was just some stupid bet with his friends. to see how long y/n would wait for him.” the boys gasp as their faces contort into disbelief, shock and anger.
sirius huffs, nostrils flaring as his fist clench at his side. he quickly turns to leave the room, ready to give vincent a piece of his mind when remus stops him. “don’t do anything stupid. you need to be here for her right now.” sirius sighs before realizing that remus is right and turns back to you.
“that’s awful, y/n. what a git.” james curses, shaking his head sympathetically. everyone nodded in agreement.
“are you okay?” sirius asks, the room falling silent. standing up from the couch, you finally meet his eyes, his familiar grey orbs bring a sense of comfort despite the tension between the two of you. you nod at him. “you were right.” you whispered. when he says nothing you continue, “he was bad news and i should’ve listened to you. could you gloat at a later time, though? not really in the mood.” your voice is shaky as more tears escape.
“and don’t worry, i won’t come crying to you.”
sirius lets out a sigh, “what if i come to you?”
you cautiously watch as sirius strides over to you, opening his arms and bringing you into his chest, nestling his face into your hair. you tense up for a moment before melting into him, wrapping your arms around him.
lily gestures for everyone to leave, nodding her head at the door. they all follow suit, quietly exiting the room to give you some privacy.
you start sobbing quietly as sirius holds you close. you feel his hand come up to stroke your head. “i’m sorry.” you snicker. sirius pulls back, enough so he can cup your face. “hey, you have nothing to be sorry for.” he assures you. you shake your head. “i do. i should’ve listened you and then we fought-”
“that was my fault.”
“but you were right about him.”
“i didn’t want to be! everything i said was out of pure jealousy. if i knew what he was up to, trust me, i would have been a lot more persistent.”
“you were jealous?”
sirius looks down at you with a fond smile, “love, i’m jealous of anyone who holds your attention for more than a minute.”
your mouth slightly opens at his statement. sirius lets his words sink in. it’s a confession. of sorts. he so badly wants to scream how utterly in love he is with you, but he decides he’ll tell you tomorrow. with your favorite flowers, maybe some sweets from honeydukes. and definitely in a more romantic setting.
“just a heads up, me and the guys are definitely gonna make vincent and his foul little friends pay. i’m sure james already has some ideas.”
you let out a laugh, “no need, right now they’re all covered in boils and throwing up slugs.” you tell him proudly. sirius gives you an amused look, “i’ve taught you well.”
-
some time later the both of you are on the couch, his arms around as your head rests on his chest. some of your housemates had come and gone, pausing as they saw the two of you entangled together.
sirius absentmindedly played with your hair as the two of you engaged in conversation about anything and everything. your tears had stopped long ago and now you could barely remember the entire vincent fiasco. now you feel at ease, at peace. in his arms.
“…you should’ve seen snape’s face. oh, it was priceless-” sirius pauses his story as he feels your breathing even out. when he looks down, he finds your eyes closed, your face cuddled into his chest. he couldn’t help the smile that grew on his face as he watched you.
careful not to wake you up, he adjusts slightly on the couch so you can stretch out more comfortably, movement freezing when you stir. once he feels you settle once more, his hand comes up to stroke the top of your hair. you nuzzle more into his chest at the gesture and sirius hopes you don’t feel the rapid beating of his heart.
he contemplates on waking you up, you probably would be more comfortable on your bed, but he selfishly decides against it, opting to hold you in his arms a little while longer.
a few moments pass and you’re still sleeping soundly on sirius’ chest. he looks down to your face and heaves a sigh. the events from earlier are still at the back of his mind. the nerve of vincent richmond.
“you did not deserve that.” he whispers softly. “you are so fucking precious and you don’t realize, huh?” his thumb traces over your cheek, “you deserve the world and everything beyond,” he breathes into your hair. “and i will make it my life’s mission to give you just that.” he pressed a soft kiss to your head before stroking over your hair once more.
tomorrow. tomorrow he’ll tell you everything. how deeply he feels for you, how you make his heart swell with a simple smile, how he cannot bear the thought of you with someone else. tomorrow he’ll tell you everything he just said and he’ll make sure you’re awake to actually hear him.
