summary you like remus. nothing is ever easy (except you) [w.c: 4.5k]
warnings brothers best friend!remus x potter!reader, smut, slightly mean remus, fluff, car sex, degradation kink, praise kink, p in v, fem!reader, explicit, nsfw18+ please, smoking, alcohol (mentioned), she/her pronouns used for reader, ‘girl’, p! with feelings
<3
“We can’t,” he says.
You smile with teeth. Remus, sitting on the arm of the chair you’re in, looks exhausted by your attention. But - he’s sitting next to you. He could’ve sat anywhere in the room and he chose right here at your side. You’ve got him, hook, line, sinker.
He just doesn’t know it yet.
"I know why you think we can’t,” you murmur, lips curled in a winning grin. Arm held up, you place your fingertips against your own neck and draw a smooth, slow line. Your chin tilts, lips sticky with lipgloss and angled towards him.
“It’s not what I think. It’s what I know.” Still, his eyes dart to your lips. When he looks up again he realises he’s been caught.
“What do you know?” you ask him, perching your face on your knuckles lazily.
“We’re not good for each other.”
You tilt your head to the left, feel your hair shift, neck bare. You stop smiling and lower your lashes, looking through them at his dazed expression. You pout, just a little. “Remus,” you say quietly, lips barely parted.
Sirius and James had shuffled behind Professor McGonagall across the castle to Dumbledore’s office. They had hung their heads low, and kept their eyes on their shoes to avoid getting a sense of what kind of trouble they were in. Based on the way McGonagall had spoken to them, and the way she had practically dragged them out of The Great Hall by their collars – they already had a pretty good idea. Professor Slughorn had assisted in getting Sirius’ victim up to the hospital wing to see Madam Pomfrey, because the boy could hardly even stand on his own two feet.
McGonagall sat Sirius and James down in Dumbledore’s office, threatening them with an even heavier punishment if they tried to escape before Dumbledore could get there. James and Sirius sat in silence while they waited. The incident replayed over and over in their minds as their adrenaline and initial fury began to fizzle out. The longer they sat and pondered, the more worried they became. The punishment that was inevitably coming was nothing compared to the guilt that they felt. The nauseating remorse was punishment enough for what they had done. No, they weren’t guilty for what they had done – rather they were guilty for the effects of what they had done.
Specifically, how it had affected you.
“Did you see the look on her face?” Sirius asked quietly to his friend that was sitting right next to him.
Sirius was beginning to feel really terrible. The stinging pain in his battered nose was nothing compared to the ache of culpability that he felt in his chest. He knew that he had messed up. He had messed up really, really bad.
“Yeah….” James replied simply. “I didn’t mean to upset her.”
James was disappointed in himself. James knew that he could be hotheaded. James knew that Sirius could be that way too. When both of them got revved up and angry at the same time, in most cases, James was usually more likely to calm down before things escalated – and most times Sirius could calm down too as long as James didn’t completely let his emotions bubble over. James had let himself get out of control, and part of him thought that he could’ve aided the situation if he had kept his composure.
“Me either. If that fucking bastard had kept his mouth shut then I wouldn’t have even….” Sirius trailed off from his original thought, because he knew that making excuses wouldn’t help his case. “This is my fault, Prongs. I knew better than to let it get to me like that. I didn’t mean to get you involved.”
James shook his head, cradling and gingerly massaging at the soreness in his knuckles. His hands were mild compared to Sirius – his hands were torn, shredded, and busted to hell.
“You’re not responsible for the way I reacted. My actions were on me,” James dismissed. “It’s times like this that remind me how much better Remus handles stuff.”
Sirius and James shared a light chuckle, a laugh that was more for breaking the tension more than anything else. Their amusement didn’t last long, because the moment that Dumbledore’s entrance was made, they were right back to cowering in their seats.
As predicted, James and Sirius were seriously scolded for what happened – although, Dumbledore’s discipline was much mellower than Professor McGonagall’s. Dumbledore had cut them some slack before, but those instances had always been much less severe. It seemed that Sirius Black and James Potter’s luck had finally run out, because they were sentenced to Friday afternoon/evening detention for the rest of the term as well as hand-written, lengthy apologies. Despite the grueling tedious and two and a half month punishment, the boys had honestly been expecting much worse. To be honest, James and Sirius were notorious for being able to get out of pre-established sentences, so they didn’t sweat it much. Besides, the punishment was the absolute last of their worries.
They left Dumbledore’s office in a hurry, hardly seeing the need to stick around for any longer than necessary. It was fairly late by the time they were finished, nearing around 9’o o'clock or so. The Great Hall was long cleared out, and mostly all of the students had returned to their House towers for the evening. There were a few stragglers here and there as the boys traversed the corridors together to get back to their dorm, but none of them were anyone they were interested in seeing.
“How’s your hand, mate?” James questioned when he noticed that Sirius was cradling his hand that had taken more damage than the other. “We can swing by Pomfrey’s if-”
“No. I can get fixed up in the morning,” Sirius denied. “I want to talk to her first.”
Sirius was determined to get this resolved before it had time to sit too long. Sirius was beginning to think that his whole “do now, ask for forgiveness later” motto might’ve been in poor taste. He needed to explain himself before you had enough time to think on it to get the wrong idea.
Sirius was taking this harder than James was. It was understandable, considering that Sirius had started it. Sirius genuinely and truly had been working on himself. Sirius had been trying to understand his emotions and his short temper better. He had been trying to practice patience and improve his communication skills. In the last few years, Sirius had learned and saw firsthand how his ego could hurt those around him. For the most part, Sirius had improved on all cylinders – but every now and then, he’d slip up far worse than anything he had ever done previously.
Sirius could only imagine you right now. Sirius had undoubtedly made a horrible day even worse. He saw you reduced to a puddle of tears and a chorus of sobs, clinging to Remus for consolation – wailing and blubbering about how much you hated Sirius for being so quick to react in unacceptable ways. That thought alone caused a hot rise in Sirius’ throat. He’d never be able to forgive himself if he was the reason that you ever came to detest him or either of the other two.
It frightened him as well, because that part of himself was something that was hard for him to control.
“Are you sure? To be honest, you really look like shit.” James asked again, continuing to walk alongside Sirius.
Sirius didn’t even have a snarky remark for that. If Sirius looked even an ounce as he felt, then he was sure that James’ statement was true. A bloodied nose and battered face and hands wasn’t a good look for Sirius – no matter how good the glory of a violent victory felt.
“I’m sure. I’ll deal with it later.” Sirius confirmed, and James didn’t ask again.
By the time they reached the dorm, anxiety had done its job of making them both a spiral of nerves. James felt like he was going to be sick, because he truthfully didn’t have even an inkling of what he was going to say. What could either of them say? They had shown a less than pleasant performance, and had gone against your wishes in a way that was far worse than anything you could’ve imagined. They had messed up, and they knew it.
Sirius and James were slow as they entered, peeking their heads around the door rather than entering fully. Sirius’ mental image wasn’t met when they caught the first glance of the inside of their dorm. You weren’t wrapped around Remus in a desperate manner. There were no sounds of crying or obvious upset. The only inhabitant of the room was Remus, who was standing at the circular mirror on the wall. He examined his face, peering at his right cheek that had been struck from a stray punch during the scuffle. Compared to Sirius, it was nothing more than a scratch.
“Where is she?” James asked, not wasting any time getting to the point.
Remus sighed, shaking his head and turning from the wall to look at them.
“I don’t know.” Remus admitted.
Sirius’ stomach sank to his feet and bounced back up into his throat. If you weren’t here, then there was no telling where you had run off to.
“You don’t know?” Sirius questioned. “How do you not know where she is?”
“Well after you two decided to beat that guy to a pulp, I was pulled aside for questioning on your behalves….since McGonagall had you two tied up with Dumbledore, I had to do all the explanations everywhere else,” Remus revealed. “She was gone before I could go after her.”
“Do you have any idea where she is?” Sirius asked next in hopes of Remus maybe having an idea of where you could’ve gone.
“She’s probably with Lily and Marlene. They went looking for her when I got caught up.” Remus answered, his arms crossing over his chest.
James piped up this time. His jitters were so strong that he couldn’t even stand still.
“They’re probably in their dormitory.” James announced, looking at Sirius as if to communicate with him that they needed to go.
Remus caught the look, and stopped them before either of them could even take a step.
“I wouldn’t do that. She’s upset enough as it is. It might be best to let this sit until morning.” Remus advised, and Sirius disagreed.
“Remus, we can’t wait that long.” Sirius argued, his voice weighty and determined.
“Might I remind you that she is not happy with either of you right now,” Remus fired back. “Let it go for tonight. We’ll settle it in the morning.”
Remus had a point, but they really wished that he had been wrong for once. If nothing else, it would give them a little more time to think about what they were going to say.
“It’ll be fine, mate. Just give her some time,” Remus approached them, clapping his hands on each of their shoulders. “Come on. Go get yourselves cleaned up.”
James managed to get washed up much more quickly than Sirius. That wasn’t surprising, considering that Sirius had taken a worse beating than James had. James chatted and talked about anything that he could to anyone that was listening. James talked when he was nervous – the running of his mouth distracted him. James was cleaned and fixed up in about ten minutes, and he looked significantly better. While he looked better, he surely didn’t feel any better. He crawled into his bed once he was washed up, preparing for a sleepless night and several hours of tossing and turning. James could never sleep when he had an anxious mind, and it happened more often than most people would’ve thought.
Remus had gone to bed shortly after James, leaving Sirius to his lonesome to tend to his injuries. Sirius stood at the sink in the washroom, looking at himself in the mirror as he carefully wiped at the dried blood under his nose and around his mouth. As the blood remoistened, it dripped down his chin and soaked into the rag that he was using to get clean. He rinsed the rag out into the sink, watching the pink-stained water flood down the drain in almost an instant. His knuckles hurt the most, and his eyes involuntarily filled with tears when he cleaned them under the stream of water. He winced a few times at the tender, stinging flesh on his upper lip that was painfully sensitive when he touched it. It probably needed stitches, but Sirius didn’t feel much like getting it taken care of.
He couldn’t get you out of his head. Every passing thought was related to you. Your quiet plea to leave the situation alone replayed over and over in his head, like a record needle stuck on the same groove. He couldn’t get the image of your tearful eyes, the same ones that were usually so full of adoration and love, looking at him with horror and disappointment. That was the hardest part of this whole thing for him. He could get over you being mad or you being annoyed with him – those were things that he could come to terms with. But the thought of you being disappointed in him, the mere idea of you having any kind of displeasure for him absolutely killed him. He only had himself to blame for that, and blaming himself is exactly what he was doing.
He glared at his reflection that stared back at him. His swollen eye and busted lip were prevalent, and they were a sight to see. The throbbing in his eye and the heat coming off of it practically unnoticeable compared to the anger that he felt in his heart for himself. He found himself lost in his own eyes, drowning in the pools of gray that he was picking apart every aspect of.
Sirius had messed up so many times, and each time felt worse than the last. He wanted to be a good person. He wanted to be the best man that he could be for you, the boys, and himself – but it seemed that the more time that went by, the more that Sirius realized that he’d never be the man that he wanted to be. Sirius would admit that he regretted more of himself than he praised.
It was moments like this that reminded Sirius Black of the hate that he harbored for himself. Sirius was critical of himself. He could easily write himself off and present himself as a “go with the flow” or a “it is what it is” kind of guy. For the most part, that was what he did. He had painted this picture of himself and constructed this facade for others to view him as confident and sure with everything. That was one of the endless things that he admired about you – you had always been able to see straight through his false image.
He didn’t see anything good when he looked deeper into himself. He saw a hateful, spiteful, and dishonorable man that wasn’t worth the time of day and that didn’t deserve the warm drink of your love that you overfilled his cup with over and over again. Sirius knew that he didn’t show it enough, and he knew damn well that he didn’t say it enough – you meant absolutely everything to him. Sirius couldn’t put it into words, and oftentimes he had a hard time revealing it in his actions. Sirius couldn’t understand how he could love someone so much when his heart was so full of resentment. And the part that he really didn’t understand was how someone with such a pure, loving heart such as you could even spare someone like him a passing glance. You shouldn’t have given him anything. Sirius found guilt within himself that you loved someone like him. You deserved someone better – someone who wasn’t like him.
You were every flower in a summer field on a hot July day. You were the peaceful rainbow after every raging rainstorm. You were the calculated answer to all of his burning questions. In a black night sky full of glittering, dancing stars – you were every single one. After all of Sirius’ wrongs that seemed to outweigh the rights, he hoped and he prayed that he would be even a single being in your universe.
****
As predicted, neither James nor Sirius slept any real amount. They rolled and shifted in their beds all night trying to get comfortable enough to get some sleep – but they couldn’t find a position that slowed their racing minds. For a Saturday morning, they were up and going much earlier than usual. Sirius’ head perked up from his pillow when he heard James’ feet hit the floor, his good eye squinting to peer at him in the morning light. James noticed his stare, and grimaced at how Sirius’ appearance had changed overnight. His eye had swelled and turned a gnarly shade of black and blue, and his lip was red and irritated.
“Did you sleep?” James asked, his voice groggy with exhaustion.
“No.” Sirius replied as he watched James sluggishly pull a t-shirt over his shirtless frame.
“Me either,” James remarked. “Where’s Moony?”
Sirius’ sat up on his elbows to look over at Remus’ bed, and he was surprised to see that the bed was neatly made and arranged as it always was whenever he was out for the day. His Gryffindor robes were draped over his trunk that was stationed at the end of the bed, which was an indicator that he’d be back soon.
“He probably went to get breakfast,” Sirius guessed, groaning at the screaming soreness in his muscles when he sat up completely. “I hurt so bad.”
“I don’t doubt it.” James came to the side of Sirius’ bed, offering a hand to get him on his feet.
Truthfully, Sirius didn’t hurt as badly once he was up and moving around. He slowly dressed himself and was careful not to accidentally aggravate his hand or his face. He felt like he had been hit by a train, and he was sure that he didn’t look much better. James and Sirius dragged themselves silently around as they got ready, not bothering to look overly presentable for a regular Saturday. Their movements were laggy and tortuous as they maneuvered around, because they both hurt something awful. James was positioned on the end of his bed, his left foot cautiously propped on his right thigh as he tied the laces on his shoes. His mind hadn’t stopped reeling for well over twelve hours now, and the longer it went unresolved, the worse that it got.
“Hey, Pads?” James called, only continuing once he had Sirius’ attention. “Do you think she’ll forgive us?”
Sirius didn’t have a chance to answer, and he was thankful that he didn’t have to. The door to their dormitory opened, and Remus entered with smuggled food balanced in his hands. He had wrapped up some easy breakfast to-go items for the other two, because he figured that they didn’t feel up to sitting down for a meal.
“Hey, Moony.” Sirius greeted casually.
“Hey. I brought you two some breakfast,” He announced, splitting the pile evenly between the two of them. “I figured you were hungry.”
They were starving, considering their dinner was cut short the night before. James needed some nutritional energy to hopefully settle his nerves, his fingers working diligently to peel the skin off of the banana in his hand. As hungry as Sirius was, he was positive that he wouldn’t be able to hold anything down long enough to sustain him with any real nourishment. Sirius’ was visibly troubled as he looked at Remus with a look of expectation. Sirius had waited, and he had waited long enough.
“I talked to Lily,” Remus began. “She said that everything is fine.”
James spoke through bites of banana, his voice muffled as he made an attempt to talk.
“How is she?” James asked, referring to your current state.
“Lils said she’s on and off….and still not happy with any of us,” Remus recalled the information that Lily had shared with him. “But more so with you two.”
“What is she mad at you for?” Sirius’ question fell from his mouth before he had any real time to think about the answer.
“I think she’s upset with all of us for getting involved one way or another,” Remus remarked, and it hurt his heart just as much as the other two to know you were dissatisfied with him. “Once you two finish eating we can go.”
James suddenly finished the last of his curved fruit in one big bite, forgetting about the rest of his wrapped goodies until later.
“Let’s go now.” He gargled through chewing, tying his other shoe quickly and rising to his feet.
Sirius wanted to get this over with. Not because he was dreading it or wanted to get it resolved the easiest, quickest way – but because he wasn’t sure how much longer he could handle the guilt. It was miserably slow as it ate away at him, and he needed to get his sincere apology heard. The boys regrouped with one another and left their dorm, preparing for whatever kind of reaction they were going to get from you. They were quiet as they walked down the boys’ staircase and up the girls’.. There really wasn’t much that could be said, because at this point it had all pretty much been said. Sirius let out a shuddering exhale when your door came into view as they turned a corner. Remus heard his noise of stress, and took a moment to reassure both him and James.
“Take it easy, mate,” Remus smiled at his two best pals. “It’ll all be fine.”
They sure hoped that Remus was right, because if it wasn’t going to be fine – then they had no idea what they were going to do.
Remus took the lead on this. His light knocks on the large wooden door were dulcet in an attempt to avoid making too much noise. It was still fairly early, and most of the inhabitants of the Gryffindor tower were still sleeping. The last thing Remus wanted was to wake anybody up and cause another kind of stir.
James and Sirius shifted on their feet from where they stood behind Sirius. Their fidgeting from the heightened anxiety wasn’t even worth hiding, and hiding it honestly made it worse. Sirius’ heart skipped a couple of beats when the knob turned to open the door from the inside. Lily was the one who appeared in the now open doorway, her emerald eyes looking at the three of them standing together. Lily didn’t bother with a greeting, because none of them were there to see her.
“She’s in bed. She won’t get up,” Lily stated, keeping her voice hushed. “Just….try not to upset her any more.”
Lily was tired. She and Marlene had been up most of the night trying to console you the best that they could. With a little time and patience, they had managed to get you calmed down enough to get some sleep. They weren’t sure how restful it was, but at least it gave you some kind of break.
Remus nodded at her request, taking glacial steps inside when Lily stepped aside to allow them in. Marlene was gone for the morning, and Lily was going to follow suit once you were aware that they were there for you. You were curled up on your mattress, half underneath the sheets with your back towards the door. Lily moved to the side of the bed that you were facing, signaling for the boys to wait for a few moments.
“Hey….” Lily tilted her head as she looked down at you. “The boys are here.”
Lily had honestly expected you to start crying again when your eyes flickered up to hers. They were glassed over with remnants of tears, but the tears didn’t fall.
“They want to talk to you. Will you speak with them?” Lily questioned in her lightest, sweetest tone. Lily glanced up for a moment at Sirius, who was so pale that he looked ghostly. “I think Sirius could use a hug.”
James felt his halfway breakfast churning in his stomach. Now he had wished that he had decided to brave this on an empty stomach. When you sat up from your balled up position, they straightened up and stood a bit taller to look more confident in their presence. Lily smiled at you, and told you that she was going to be heading out for a little while. Once Lily was gone, it was just the four of you in the quiet room. They were frozen still until you looked over first.
Your gaze landed on Sirius first, and you couldn’t help the look of shock and alarm on your expression at his tyrannized face and abused hands. You hadn’t expected him to look so bruised and roughed up.
“Hey there, bunny.” Remus said first, approaching you cautiously.
He sat on the free space on the side of the bed, and Sirius and James didn’t know what to do other than to copy Remus’ motions.
“Hi, puppy.” Sirius greeted as neutrally as he could.
He was nervous, and it was a visible tell.
“Hey, angel.” James offered a small smile.
James was even more nervous, the slight shake in his hands giving it away.
“Hi.” You squeaked, and all three of them immediately felt the tiniest bit of relief.
This felt more standard. The three of them huddled around you in whatever open space they could get comfortable in on the small Hogwarts’ beds. The context of the conversation wasn’t ideal, but at least the familiarity of the positioning offered some delay in the tense atmosphere. The beats of silence that passed weren’t awkward, but rather hesitant. Everything that James and Sirius had come up with to say had vanished into the abyss of their subconscious. They were flying blind now, and whatever they were going to say was going to be whatever they could come up with.
“You look tired.” You spoke feebly, looking at James with the intentions of your words.
James was the most tired of all three of the boys. You weren’t wrong that it showed on his face, and he hoped that this would be settled well enough so that he could sleep the rest of the day.
“Oh, I’m a little tired,” James replied. “Just worried about you.”
The edge of the sheet over your lap was in your hands as you fiddled with it. The fact that all three of them were nervous on different levels made you nervous. Sirius was sitting at the foot of the bed, dragging his fingertips back and forth across the soft material of your blanket. He was doing it as a sensory distraction, and he hoped that it would relax him enough so that he could actually come up with something to say.
“We’ve all been worried about you,” Remus added. “You were very upset last night.”
There was a beat. A silence. And then a response.
“I asked you not to say anything.” You mumbled, toying with the sheet as you avoided any and all eye contact.
None of them knew who exactly you were referring to, but the burning ditch that opened up in Sirius’ gut gave him a pretty good idea. Despite his initial aggravation, Remus knew that neither Sirius nor James had acted the way that they had with the intent of disquieting you. He knew his friends inside and out, and he knew how they felt about you. No price was too big for the sake of defending you. Remus was pretty sure that you knew that as well, but he also understood where you found discomfort with the fact that they had acted that way after you had asked them not to.
“They were saying bad things about you, lovely. We couldn’t just let them say that.” James continued as charily as he possibly could.
He wasn’t trying to argue. He just wanted to explain the situation as coherently as he could.
“I deserved it,” You replied back. “I was stupid during Potions yesterday.”
“You weren’t stupid, and that doesn’t excuse what he said, princess. Never, ever should anyone talk about you like that.” Remus backed James up.
Sirius was silent. There weren’t any words coming to or from his brain. He was so embarrassed and ashamed of himself that he didn’t even know how to articulate anything. All he could do was listen and watch the best that his frazzled mind possibly could. He was so indignant with himself and so dispirited that he didn’t blame you for not accepting his apology.
“You didn’t have to be so….violent.” You muttered, and now the shared spotlight was shining on James and Sirius.
Neither of them really had much of a good explanation for why that was their best resolution to the problem. They could go on about how they could be hot headed and short-tempered….but that wasn’t one of those arguments that would hold up very well. Sirius felt a fiery balloon swelling in his throat – when that balloon popped, the waterworks were going to come with it.
James was handling this much better than Sirius and Remus had expected. He was still very obviously nervous, but he was doing a nice job of communicating his thoughts and feelings.
“I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone, my love….well, I was but it wasn’t for a reason that I didn’t find important to me,” James vindicated. “I care about you and I love you. At the time, that was how I wanted to handle it.”
You didn’t like that answer. The shake of your head and the abrupt sob that escaped your chest let James know that was not a response that you wanted to hear, even if it was the truth. The tears leaked from your eyes and spilled down your cheeks like raindrops racing on a clear glass window.
“But I don’t want you to handle things like that!” You wailed. “I don’t want you to get in trouble because of me and I don’t want you to hurt anyone!”
James felt a pang of remorse for setting you off again, but if it meant getting his point and apology across – then he supposed it was best. Remus noticed something odd in this quick couple of passing seconds. Your tears were notably genuine and you were clearly distressed….but your tears and your reaction seemed to be more of a panic response than anything else.
“Take a breath, bunny. He’s not trying to upset you,” Remus mediated, moving to sit behind you so you could cuddle up against him. Remus rocked you in response to your choked up cries. “What about this has you shaken up so badly?”
“It-It’s just….I didn’t-” You hiccuped. “Sirius was just so mean.”
The balloon in Sirius’ throat exploded at those words. The tears pooled in his eyes and it took everything he had to hold them back. Remus and James felt sympathetic for Sirius, because they knew that what you had said didn’t help how hard he was undoubtedly being on himself. Sirius’ lips parted as if he was going to say something, but the words still didn’t come. Sirius’ lower lip wobbled as he strained to keep the flooding tears from making their escape. There probably wasn’t anything that he could say to make you think of him the same way again.
“I think you’re being a little unfair to Pads, bunny.” Remus admitted.
“He feels really, really bad about all of this.” James piped up.
Remus used his sleeve to wipe away your tears, hoping it would help compose yourself better.
“I was so scared that he was going to get hurt and then it’d be my fault,” You blubbered on. “I didn’t want Siri to get hurt.”
Even after all of this, Sirius’ wellbeing had been the root of most of your concern. Sirius felt like such a jerk. He had done just about everything you had asked him not to do and you still were more worried about him. This was one of those things that Sirius knew to be true about how you felt about him.
Remus cast Sirius a glance, and it stung his heart to see one of his best pals nearly reduced to tears. Sirius didn’t get worked up in this kind of way often – and it took a lot to get him so rattled.
“Siri isn’t badly hurt, darling. And Siri and Jamesie both love you very much,” Remus professed you. “I know that it wasn’t the best decision, but it only happened because we all love you.”
“We love you so very much. It won’t happen again.” James assured you.
Sirius needed to speak. He used whatever brain power he had left to come up with something. A phrase, a word, a noise, absolutely anything that he could. He didn’t care what he came up with, just as long as he didn’t let this moment get away without him asking for forgiveness. If he had to fall to his knees and bawl into your lap and gasp for air between every snivel to show his remorse then so be it.
But that didn’t happen. His shoulder began to quake with the vibrating weep that was so close to expelling from his chest. It wasn’t until your eyes met his, the same dazzling ones that he found so much faith and comfort in, that he let it all go.
“I’m sorry.” Sirius cracked, and he couldn’t hold back his tears anymore.
It felt like such a sore apology. After all he had done and said to lead up to this point, “I’m sorry” just didn’t seem that it was even nearly enough. There were millions of more things that he could’ve and probably should’ve said – but that two word infamous phrase was all he could murmur. But as always, you could see Sirius for who he really was. Now was not an exception to the way that you could flawlessly read Sirius without error or misunderstanding. Despite the simplicity of his words, you felt the weight behind them. You heard the sorrow and the contrition in his voice as he said it. You saw the pleading and the silent beg for forgiveness behind his pupils. Maybe on the surface it wasn’t much, and perhaps to anybody else it would’ve been a shitty apology.
But to you, it was a sincere, love wrapped Sirius Black apology.
You sniffed when you crawled away from Remus, maneuvering the short distance between you. Sirius was stunned at first when you wrapped your limbs around him desperately, but he returned it with grace and another sob of contentedness. Sirius buried his nose into your hair, not caring that it irritated and hurt the tender area. That hug was the best embrace that he had ever been given. It spoke so loud and had so many volumes.
Remus and James shared an alleviating glance. The amnesty was a relief, and while there was some work to be done to get fully back to normal – it was a work that was unquestioned because of its rewarding nature.
“I love you. So so so much.” Sirius cradled your face in his slender, torn hands.
“I love you, Siri.” You replied, turning somewhat to address the other two. “Remy and Jamesie too.”
With that, the four of you fell into a big cuddle pile as the three of them peppered you with kisses and showered you with affection. There was a peaceful, serene vibe in the air – one that was much more welcomed than the tense one from before. Again, there was some progress to be made and some more conversations to be had, but for now the biggest hurdle had been cleared with ease. It was a straight sprint the rest of the way, and with no obstacles in sight – the end goal seemed like a breeze.
This was a major development moment for the four of you. None of you were perfect, and sometimes it took the hard way to learn from each other’s mistakes. This was not a mistake that Sirius or James would make again, and that was a solid fact.
Sirius and James had a basket of things to learn from this experience. It was a lesson learned and it motivated them to be much more cool and calm if something like this ever happened again. Once again, Sirius had been forgiven and given yet another chance.
Was it a chance that he deserved? He didn’t think so. However, it was one that he was grateful for nonetheless.
❝It’s not your fault that our wedding was postponed, well it partly was but it’s not as though you can control when you almost die. No, Donna and I have postponed it because it seems that I’m not the only one with unresolved feelings for Sirius Black.❞
Disclaimer:This blog is strictly 18+, minors please do not interact as that is not something I am comfortable with. Thank you!
Pairing: Remus Lupin x female reader
Summary: You like reading every sort of genre there is to romance. From angst to smut. Remus uncovers this little secret of yours and makes a move which he has been wanting to make for a long time. Warning: Angst? – idk if it is lol, fluff – its Remus, there’s always fluff with him, smut theme – minors dni.
“Until the next meeting, I suggest those without an assigned mission have a rest. We don’t know what to expect in this dark time and need everyone well rested and prepared if anything happens.” Dumbledore glances to everyone in the room as he concludes the meeting for the day.
The meeting was held at Grimmauld Place. Sirius had happily welcomed the order to hold meetings here as it was not known to many.
“I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t be able to rest when chaos could happen at any moment.” Bill said nudging your shoulder, you nodded your head in agreeance.
Everyone woke up from there seats and left the room. Harry, Ron, Hermione, and the others were upstairs – Dumbledore didn’t want to concern Harry more than he already was.
As you made your way out of the room and to the livingroom, with Bill following closely behind, you failed to notice the lingering gaze of Remus.
When your thoughts dawdle to him, you think of a very strong man who has lived a difficult life. Remus was kind, interesting and always managed to make those around him happy.
You admired him very much, and it was only Sirius who could recognize this admiration as something else. You were so oblivious to your own feelings for him that it made Sirius wonder how you were the most skilled witch he had known.
“Y/n dear, would you please help me with laying the table. It seems the children are too caught up in seeing one another.”
“Sure, no problem.” You replied kindly.
Excusing yourself from the livingroom, you walked down the narrow hallway which led to the kitchen and was about to enter when you bumped into a tall figure.
“Pardon me.” You apologized and looked up, meeting the eyes of Remus.
“My fault, it’s okay.” He said gently resting his hands on your shoulders to steady you.
You smiled at him nervously before slipping into the kitchen. You briefly looked over your shoulder and saw that he was still watching you.
A kind smile on his lips, you gave him a tight-lipped smile before going to Molly and letting her hand you the many plates to set on the table.
While it may make sense to just use a spell to set the table, you took comfort in the domesticity of small household tasks. It reminded you of home.
“Dinner is ready everyone!” Molly’s booming voice echoed in the large house.
Soon you heard the hurried footsteps of Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny. Fred and George, who recently become of age to perform magic out of Hogwarts, just appeared beside a startled Molly.
“One of these fine days I’m going to be the mother of 5 children instead of 7.” She grumbled.
“I agree mum. I personally vote for Ron and Bill to be put up for adoption.” Fred said nonchalantly.
Ron sent him a glare, while Bill came in laughing at the fact that he was very much over the age to be put up for adoption.
Soon everyone was at the table. Harry sat next to Sirius, telling him all about what has been going on in his life, Ginny and Hermione were gossiping, Ron was eating, and the twins were discussing what spells they wanted to try out later.
Bill was sat beside you, speaking very lowly about Fleur and how she is so eager to meet his family, when funnily enough, they didn’t even know he was seeing her.
“I don’t know how to introduce her to them… you know how they can be.” He said with a sad smile.
You understood him, Molly had wanted him to end up with Tonks, who was too busy focusing on her own career to worry about settling down.
You, Bill, and Tonks were all the same age, 24 years old, and attended Hogwarts together.
“If you feel your relationship with her is strong, then I think you should introduce her to them. From what you tell me, Fleur seems like an amazing person.” You give him a reassuring smile.
All he could talk about was her, so he most definitely felt that their relationship was strong.
He took your hand in his and gave it a gentle squeeze as a way to thank you.
The small gesture didn’t go unnoticed by Remus. He had been watching you since dinner had begun.
Remus viewed you as a fire to be reckoned with. While you may seem like the kindest witch in the world, you wouldn’t hesitate to put someone in their place if they did anything wrong to you or someone you cared about.
He bared witness to this when you and he accompanied Mad eye and Tonks on a mission to bring Sirius to safety from dementors.
After dinner, you had helped clear the table and clean up for the night.
It was already late and the majority of everyone had gone to bed since the next day was going to be a long one.
“Do you need help with that?” Remus’ voice spoke from behind you.
You had been trying to put away a plate which was kept in a very high place.
“Yes, please.” You reply softly.
You were about to move out of the way when his hand was placed on the counter in front of you, trapping you between him and the counter. As his other hand reached up to put the plate in its place, you felt his chest briefly brush against your back.
“You know… for a witch you sure do things in a very muggle way.” His voice was soft as he spoke.
“Before becoming a witch, this was my normal.Doing things manually.” You said with a smile.
You were born to a muggle family and got the letter every 11-year-old dreamed of receiving. Your life changed after that, but not everythingchanged.
“… besides, we could all use a little normalcy around here.” You said turning around to face him. He took a step back, otherwise your face would literally have been pressed into his chest.
“That’s true… I’ve been meaning to ask you more about the muggle books you recommended to me-“
“Remus, you’re needed in the livingroom!!” Sirius voice called from down the hallway.
“We can talk about this later?” He asked, to which you nodded.
You and Remus had one thing in common, you both enjoyed reading. While he may have been older than you, you two got along like a house on fire when it came to books. Which is why in between breaks from missions you two would recommend books to one another.
He would tell you about magical books, while you would tell him about muggle books.
You stood there for a moment, processing what happened. It was a normal interaction, but the body language you two had exchanged with one another made your heart speed up and your thoughts roam wildly.
“Calm down y/n, he was just helping you with plates.” You told yourself before exiting the kitchen to join whoever was awake in the livingroom.
Bill was sat with Fred and George discussing a few things while Sirius and Remus were conversing quietly.
Remus’ eyes met yours briefly before his attention was brought back to Sirius’.
You were about to excuse yourself to go and prepare for bed before Bill noticed you and motioned you over.
“I was summoned.” You joked and sat beside him.
“Yes, I need you to convince these two to continue attending Hogwarts before wanting to join the order.”
Your eyes widened at his statement. Fred and George were still too young to be involved in such business. Even if you were just a few years older than them, you still looked to them as children.
“Your choice in wanting to join is very honorary, but it’s too dangerous right now. You just started to perform magic out of school, there’s still so much more for you to learn at Hogwarts. You can join at the right time, it’s just not right now.” You say with a sad smile.
You could understand their choice, they watched their parents work endlessly and contribute so much of effort into the order, but the last thing Arthur and Molly would want was to put any of their children in harm’s way.
They both looked upset but understood where you were coming from.
Bill, Fred, and George soon decided to go to bed as it was already late.
“I’ll be doing the same as them. Tomorrows a long day for us all. Goodnight.” You say to Sirius and Remus.
“Goodnight y/n.” Sirius waved enthusiastically. Remus lightly pinched him, which made him slightly jump.
“Goodnight.” Remus said with a smile.
You had been tossing and turning for the last hour.
Sleep seemed miles away for you at this point. You had experienced many nights where you weren’t able to sleep and instead stayed up reading, which is what you resorted to now.
You were a hopeless romantic when it came to books. Love for you always seemed like a fantasy thanks to the books you read. Remus noticed this when all the books you recommended him was romance based. Although none of them was quite like the one you were reading now.
“I think it would be better if you left.” He whispered only for her to hear.
“Why should I? Why must I deprave us both from what we both crave the most?” Tears welled up in her eyes as she watched him turn his back to her.
A chocked sob left her lips, which made him turn around and look at her.
“It’s not what you want darling-“
“How do you know what I want, or what is good for me? There isn’t anything except you that is preventing this. For the both of us.” She said on stuttered words.
His eyes watched her, he could see the tears falling down her cheeks and the sadness in her eyes. As he watched her, an emotion of realisation washed over her.
“Unless… unless you don’t want me. Oh my god, I didn’t even think of that. I’m so sorry.” She began to take steps back and away from him.
His eyes widened at her words, and he stepped forward and reached out for her.
“No, that is anything but what I feel… your life would be much better without me in it. I’ve already caused you too much pain.”
A knock at the door took your attention away from your book.
“Come in.” You called out softly.
Remus’ golden-brown eyes peered from behind your door, “I hope I’m not disturbing you. I saw your room light on while I was on my way to bed and wanted to check in.”
“You’re not disturbing anything at all, I was just reading a book since I couldn’t sleep.” You explained holding up the book.
“What book are you reading?” He said stepping into the room, he closed the door behind him.
You sat up straighter when he leaned against the door and waited for your explanation.
“Its another romance novel, about two people who can’t be together… at least that’s what I’ve collected from what I’ve read so far.” You gave him a tight-lipped smile, leaving out the fact that the book had some other scenes which you were too shy to mention.
“Seems interesting, what’s it called and who wrote it?” He asked curiously.
Oof.
“Its called ‘the ghost of you’ by Zenith.” You answer hesitantly. (haha, see what I did there?)
“I’ll add it to my book list… ” He said leaning off the door and moving to open it, “I don’t want to keep you up any longer. Goodnight.”
He stood in the doorway smiling at you.
“Goodnight, Remus.” You said back politely.
The next day was a rush. The Weasley’s were taking their children, along with Hermione and Harry to Platform 9 and 3 quarters.
After a heart felt conversation between Sirius and Harry. You and Remus went back to Grimmauld place to take care of a few things. Bill went to visit Fleur as it had been quite some time since she saw him.
“I suppose now we just do as Dumbledore said and ‘relax’.” You said taking a seat on the sofa.
“I suppose so… although I can’t exactly relax with the full moon approaching.” He said jokingly.
You smiled at his attempt of a joke but knew deep down that the next few days would be difficult for him.
“Where are you going to be during the full moon?”
“There’s a cottage not far from here that no one goes to. Dumbledore found it and said I could use it whenever I needed.” He stated.
Remus had to go through a lot of full moons alone. When you would try to say you’d accompany him, he would insist you didn’t as he didn’t want to put you in harms way.
“Are you going to be alone again? You know I have no problem keeping you company-“
“I appreciate it y/n, but like I said, I prefer to keep you safe. It’s too dangerous, he is too dangerous.” He said leaning his head on the back of the couch and looking up at the ceiling.
“I know Remus, but I don’t like you going through this alone. You have me, Sirius and so many other to help you.” You sighed.
“Everyone has bigger worries at the moment.” He turned his head slightly to look at you.
“Not me, I worry about you.” You said honestly.
A smile made its way to his lips, “That’s the thing about you, I admire how you worry about others.”
A silence embraced the two of you.
There was no one else in the house, but you and Remus. The gaze his eyes held on you was intense and had so much of emotion.
“You’ve got really pretty eyes.” He said reaching his hand over and tucking a stray lock of hair behind your ear.
Butterflies.
“So do you.” You said ever so softly.
The next day Remus had taken it upon himself to loosen up a bit, explore and be as carefree as his life would allow him to be.
He found himself at a familiar bookstore which he frequently visited at one stage. He was in search of a specific book. One that you had recently mentioned to him.
A worker at the store assisted him and found it, “Thank you so much.” He said with a smile and went to sit and read a bit of it.
Before Remus knew it, about 2 hours had passed by and he had read quite a few chapters of the book. As those 2 hours passed by, Remus grew flustered by the words that described very explicit scenes to him.
He had always known that this sort of books existed, but he never knew that youwould be one to read it.
When he realised how much time had passed by, he went to purchase the book and make his way back to Grimmauld place.
As soon as he stepped in through the front door, he could hear the voices of Arthur and Sirius coming from the livingroom. He caught sight of you, Molly and Bill in the kitchen preparing some dinner.
“Remus, I was wondering where you disappeared to.” Sirius’ voice brought your attention to the hallway where you briefly made eye contact with Remus who smiled at you.
His small gesture from the previous day brought emotions you felt only when you read about romance you craved.
“I was just at a bookstore and got lost in time while reading.” You heard him explain to Sirius.
Soon he disappeared into the livingroom with Arthur and Sirius.
“Be careful, you might drool from how hungrily you’re looking at him.” Bill teased as he passed by you.
You flipped him off, which earned a chuckle from him.
“After tonight, I’m going to leave for a few days since the full moon is approaching.” Remus explained as you all sat at and ate dinner.
You perked up at his words and watched as he avoided eye contact.
“I’m coming with you this time; it’ll be like the old days.” Sirius stated.
Remus and Sirius shared a knowing smile with one another. It was no lie that Sirius, James, and Peter would help Remus with his transformations.
You unknowingly released a bit of a loud sigh, which had everyone’s eyes on you.
“Y/n dear, are you okay?” Molly asked concerned.
“Just fine, a little tired from the passed few days.” You quickly explained.
Everyone’s attention was diverted to Sirius who went on to explain some of the days he experienced at Hogwarts.
Bill, who had been sitting next to you, placed his hand on your wrist and silently asked if you were okay, you assured him that you were. Remus had watched the small interaction, feeling concerned at the unsureness in your eyes.
As soon as you were done eating, you excused yourself and made your way to your room.
You knew you should respect Remus’ wishes to not come along with him, but you couldn’t help but worry about him having to go through so much alone. Even with Sirius being there. You saw the damage that was done to him when they first reunited.
Just as you changed into your nightdress, someone knocked at your door. Having a feeling that it maybe Bill, you opened the door with saying, “I told you I’m fine Bill. I’m just tire-“
There stood Remus with his hands in his pocket.
“Hi.” He said amused.
“Hey.” You said slightly embarrassed.
“I… uh- I noticed you weren’t yourself during dinner and came to check on you.” He said matter of fact.
“I’m perfectly fine, just a bit tired.”
He looked at you suspiciously, waiting for you to explain properly because he knew you weren’t being truthful.
“Come in.” You gave in and moved a bit so he could walk inside your room.
He stood aside as you closed the door and walked past him to sit on the bed.
“I don’t want you to be upset, and I know it’s not my place but I’m not happy with you being alone during this full moon. Especially with just coming off from a tiresome mission.” You explained not meeting his eyes.
He smiled at your concern for him.
“I’m not upset. You’ve always expressed your concern, but I won’t be alone this time.” He assured you.
“I know, but Iwant to be there for you.” You said a bit frustratedly.
He grew silent at your words. Remus didn’t know what to say.
“Its too dangerous darling.” He said sadly.
You knew he wasn’t going to give in.
“Promise me you’ll be careful and the moment you need me, you’ll send Sirius to get me.” You said trying to negotiate.
“You have my word.” He took your hand in his and gave it a squeeze.
Wanting to make light of the situation you decided to ask him, “So, I heard you telling Sirius to a bookstore. What book did you get?”
Now this would be interesting, was the first thing that crossed Remus’ mind.
“The one you said you were reading the other night. I’m already about halfway through it.”
Your eye darted to his and you visibly grew tense, “Is that so? What do you think about it?” You tried to play it off cool, like there wasn’t a war going on in your mind.
Nobody knew you read books like that, especially the fact that you liked what you read.
“Very interesting, the details in the book are impeccable. I don’t believe I’ve come across quite such a book.”
He was smiling at you almost on the verge of laughing.
You sigh and know you must explain yourself; you were caught red handed.
“I know its not the usual book you’d think of me reading-“
“Y/n, its okay. You don’t have to explain. There’s no shame in enjoying such things.” He said turning his back to you.
“Not when you haven’t exactly experienced it.” You mutter softly, your eyes widened once you realised, he heard what you said.
He stopped in the middle of his pacing and turned his head to look at you.
“Haven’t experience it?” He questioned.
You wish the ground would open and swallow you whole. It would be much better than exposing the fact you had no sexual experience but enjoyed every moment in what you had recently been reading.
“I haven’t done it before.” You say, trying to play it off cool.
Remus was shocked at your words. To him it was shocking that no one had come along and made you feel enough love to experience such a beautiful thing.
When he saw that you had grown a bit tense from what was being said, he knew he had to ease it and not make you feel guilty about it.
“There’s nothing wrong with that, everyone takes their own time with things.” He assured you, which had you feeling slightly better.
“I know, I guess the only romance I’ve been experiencing is what I read in books.” You joke.
He could see that you were avoiding eye contact, which he didn’t like. You had beautiful eyes which he liked looking at when you spoke to him. He stepped forward and reached up so that he could make you look up at him.
“You deserve to experience a love that could only be found in books.” He said with a genuine smile.
His words brought you happiness. No one had said something like to you. You’d never been in an actual relationship before, there was no time for that when there was so much going on around you.
“You do as well Remus. You deserve a love which makes you happy about who you are. Someone who accepts you for all of you.”
The look in your eyes at that point made something snap in Remus, in that moment he knew what he felt for you was strong, and he knew you reciprocated those feelings.
Which is why he leaned down and connected your lips.
The shock of it took a second to sink in, but the moment it did, you began to kiss him back. Once you did, Remus pulled you closer to him and placed his hand around your neck.
You moaned at the feeling of his hand around your neck, which only encouraged Remus further.
His hand roamed down your body and pushed you on the bed, he then placed himself between your legs and continued to kiss you.
Remus could feel himself growing feral for you, which is why he had to pull away in order to collect his thoughts.
“What’s wrong?” You asked confused.
“I just needed a moment.” He said taking in a deep breath.
“Is something wrong?”
Your brows began to furrow, and you started to feel nervous. Remus could tell you were feeling embarrassed.
“It’s nothing wrong with you darling. With the full moon nearing, my urges become stronger than usual. Having you like this isn’t making that easy.” He chuckled.
Now you were nervous for another reason.
“Oh, I didn’t know that happened.” You said surprised.
“Yeah, besides I want you to have a good first experience, not something that just happened in the moment. You deserve more than that.” Remus said caressing your face.
series summary: Remus was fine being alone until a mysterious and loud man crashes his motorbike into Remus’s life.
a/n: hi!!! i have a series!!! i’ve got a couple of series and chapter stories in my drafts, but i’ve never really had the courage to post them. i have put so much into this story, though, and i really hope you all like it :) leave me some feedback! i’ll probably post more once i know that its not a complete and utter flop. also, i’ve posted it on my ao3 so you can go read it over there too <33
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It was a drowsy, subdued place, in Remus’ opinion, every moment of the year except for spring. Where he grew up, and where he currently resided, the entire town took a green glowing hue for the season. It was cold in the mornings, so when Remus went outside to spread chicken seed on the dewy grass, he put on a sweater. It warmed up as the sun rose, and from the time it took the sun to travel from the horizon to the middle of the sky, Remus was comfortable in a t-shirt and loose-fitting jeans. When the sun was at its peak, Remus might start to sweat through his shirt, maybe going as far as to change into shorts if he was outside, which he usually was. He couldn’t stand to be inside during spring.
The gravel driveway that led to a dirt road was sprouting an abundance of weeds and weeds that looked like flowers. The trees captured light, glowing, instead of the way they seemed to absorb and trap light in winter. Remus’s backyard was a large forest, and Remus had never taken the time to check where his property line ended, so as far as he was concerned, the entire forest was his. If you went deep enough in any direction, you would come to a clearing where the knee-high grass dove into some grass that only tickled your ankles. After the ankle grass, there was an unnaturally blue and unnaturally large lake. Remus’ mom had told him that the lake was so blue and so large because it was natural, that no person could ever make something so beautiful, and Remus found himself agreeing as he got older.
With his mother and father gone to live somewhere where it was spring weather all the time, living on a vast farm with no animals and a huge lawnmower that his father comfortably sat on every weekend to trim the fields, Remus now lived in his slightly renovated childhood home. It was only slightly renovated because it was a great deal messier and almost every surface was covered in coffee or tea stains and a book. Remus also got a television that he rarely used and turned his old bedroom into some sort of reading room/ garden. So, slightly renovated.
Past the gravel driveway littered with weeds and imposter weeds, past the dirt road that served as a crossing and sometimes rest area for the wild animals in the area, was the more populated town. Calholme had two public libraries; three hardware stores, one of which sold exclusively fishing supplies; a psychic who did palm readings and sold handmade jewelry and was rumored to have built the house she did aforementioned things in herself; three gas stations, one on each side of the outskirts of town, and one right in the center; two banks, one of which was relatively new that not many people frequented due to either a lack of trust for banks or simply because it was new; a multitude of fruits and vegetables stands with products grown in the area, delis in which the products ate the grass not 20 miles away, and bakeries that sent a sweet aroma into the air; a record shop that doubled as a coffee shop, candy store, and sometimes a furniture store when the records weren’t selling too well; a car repair shop called Matt Mocks’s garage that also repaired tractors and other broken farm equipment, and if the right guy was in that day, you could get your television repaired, too; and any other storefront that the simple people of Calholme thought they needed. They were quite resourceful in that sense.
So, down one end of the road was Calholme, and down the other were a few scattered cottages and large farmhouses, and even further down was a paved road that brought Sirius Black into town.
—
Remus had opened the window in his kitchen and stood in front of it as he waited for his tea to steep. It was that wonderfully chilly morning, so he shivered a little as the cold air clipped his crooked nose and sharp chin. He wrapped his long arms around his body to give some sort of comfort but found his lack of sustainable body fat and bony arms were more of a hindrance than not. Sighing and turning away from the window, he retrieved a cardigan that was draped over the couch, shaking off some loose crumbs before putting it on and returning to the window. He passed the sink on the way, a large white ceramic hole in the counter that looked more like a tub than a sink, and filled up a cup of water for the plants on the window sill. The house was in disarray, as usual, but Remus kept his plants alive. Most of the ones on the sill were herbs that he cooked with, with one or two flowers mingled in. If he kept the window open all day during this time of year, butterflies would come to the flowers and find themselves fluttering around the kitchen until they could find the window again. Occasionally, they just make themselves at home.
Window plants watered, arms covered and no longer shivering, tea fully steeped and mixed with the right amount of milk and honey, Remus stood in front of the window again. He could hear his chickens clucking by the other side of the house, and the rustle of the trees, the faint hum of a tractor miles off as people started their day. Then, he heard the roar of a failing engine. Not long after that, he heard the harsh sounds of metal scraping and a yelp of surprise that soon turned into groans of pain.
Remus ran to the door, tripping over his discarded rainboots, then running his shin into a coffee table, then shouldering the wall before falling on his face after tripping on some more shoes. When he finally got to the door, the chickens were louder, and so was the groaning.
His driveway wasn’t too long, but it was still long enough and curved enough so that the house couldn’t be seen from the road. The gravel crunched under his feet, eyes surveying the weeds, hands warmed by the mug he had forgotten to put down and somehow, miraculously, had not dropped on his way out.
There was a lump that may have been a human body or may have been a Greek god that had fallen down to the earth. Besides this was a discarded and seriously fucked up motorbike. A few feet away was a duffel bag with its contents spilled out onto his driveway. Telling from the skid marks, Remus guessed that this Greek god had lost his footing, or maybe hadn’t seen a pothole, and veered into his driveway for somewhat of an easier crash than what would have been in the woods. The marks also told Remus that the driver was coming into town.
“Are you alright?” Remus tried, taking the groans as a sign of life and creeping closer to the body.
“Oh, fuck,” they groaned, “fuck, fuck, fuck.”
“Do you need help?” Remus knew it was a stupid question, one with the answer right in front of his face, as they began to writhe around the ground and get their wits about them.
Remus moved over to the scattered possessions, setting down his mug and gathering the various items back into the duffel. He ignored the magazine with David Bowie on the cover, ignored the criminally small shirt that had tears in the collar and Remus knew would make the Greek god look even more godlike, ignored the eyeliner pencil, and politely folded things when necessary before putting them away.
“Where the fuck am I?” the body had moved into a sitting position, feet on the ground and legs bent at the knees. There were rips in his black jeans, blood seeping into the denim, and a tattered hole in the sleeve of his leather jacket that also left red dripping onto the gravel. His face wasn’t too scuffed, just some road rash on his cheekbone and jaw. Greek god confirmed. Fallen from heaven, straight from Olympius, carved by the hands of Zeus himself.
He was strikingly pale, which made his eyes and hair striking as well. His eyes were a deep blue, blue like Remus’ lake, and his black hair was long and cut into a choppy sort of shag with lots of layers. He looked disheveled, obviously, because he was just in an awful motorbike accident, and Remus was staring at him.
“Just outside of Calholme,” Remus almost called him ‘sir’, despite the fact that he hadn’t called anyone but his teachers and his father 'sir’, and this boy was obviously close to Remus’ age. But the boy had a commanding presence, one that made people want to call him 'sir’, and tremble with nerves as they did so.
Shuffling a bit, still sat down, he surveyed the damage. No longer groaning nor writhing, he was somehow even more attractive. His brows were furrowed-in pain, concentration, just pure Greek god sternness? Remus could not tell- as he pulled at the new holes in his jeans. He didn’t wince, but he did scowl, and his fingertips ran through his blood for a moment before sighing. He twisted to look at his arm, and he winced then, but only because of his beloved jacket.
“Motherfucker,” he mumbled, taking care to slip off the arm of the jacket and pinch the torn edges together as if they would magically stitch together.
Remus realized he was still holding the boy’s duffel, so he dropped it gently on the gravel between them.
He cast his eyes up to look at Remus for the first time. “Thanks,” he said softly, pulling off his entire jacket now.
It was cold, and Remus was wrapped tightly in his cardigan, and this boy was bleeding, his motorbike dented and silent even though he had never taken the keys out of the ignition.
“Can you walk?” Remus asked, surprising himself with the nervous tremble in his voice. Remus didn’t talk much during the day, besides to his chickens and the lake and the flowers and the butterflies, and occasionally to the stray cat that would make the long trek from the neighboring properties. This boy was a little different than talking to those things.
He struggled to his feet, easing gently on his knees and not putting his scraped hands on the gravel. He bent his legs, only grimacing a little, and said, “Yeah.”
“Do you want to come inside? It’s warmer.”
The boy craned his neck, looking at the heavily forested area around him, his bike, and Remus. He looked at Remus a little longer than these other things and nodded briskly.
Remus grabbed his mug and turned to walk up the driveway, listening to the crunch of the boy’s footsteps behind him. They were strong and sure, despite the trail of blood he was leaving.
“This your house?” The boy said from a few paces behind Remus once they got close enough to see it. He sounded neutral, not apprehensive or suspicious of Remus, but not grateful or relieved. Remus found it a little unnerving, especially with his back to him. He shivered and turned to face him, nodding and opening the front door.
Bloody hell, my loves, I think I wrote and rewrote this part about 40 times, but here it is. It’s probably the biggest segue yet, and I truly hope it doesn’t disappoint.
It was around 6,200 words last I checked, for those who want to know, and as always, please let me know what you think! And if I’ve forgotten anyone on the tag list!
James made sure to continue looking decidedly groggy and disinterested as he brushed his teeth.
“Dunno. Ask Moony?”
“I did, he says he doesn’t have it. And Pete doesn’t have it.”
“Well, clearly I don’t either,” James said, turning from the mirror to lift his arms as he stood in front of Sirius wearing nothing but a towel.
Sirius raised an eyebrow. “Don’t think I’d put it past you.”
“To what, clamp it between my arse cheeks? I said I don’t bloody have it.”
“So if I were to look in your trunk…”
“You say that as if I don’t know you already did. And has it occurred to you that Y/N might have it?” James turned back to the sink and began washing his face, still carefully maintaining his air of nonchalance. “She said something about needing to make amends with Evans for last night. Maybe she’s going backhander shopping at Honeydukes.”
That seemed to satisfy Sirius. He popped James lightly on the back of the head before making his way out of the bathroom.
“Prink faster, will you? I’m Marvin.”
“We can’t all roll out of bed looking like Godric’s gift to women. Some of us have to work at it.”
Bloody hell, my loves, I think I wrote and rewrote this part about 40 times, but here it is. It’s probably the biggest segue yet, and I truly hope it doesn’t disappoint.
It was around 6,200 words last I checked, for those who want to know, and as always, please let me know what you think! And if I’ve forgotten anyone on the tag list!
James made sure to continue looking decidedly groggy and disinterested as he brushed his teeth.
“Dunno. Ask Moony?”
“I did, he says he doesn’t have it. And Pete doesn’t have it.”
“Well, clearly I don’t either,” James said, turning from the mirror to lift his arms as he stood in front of Sirius wearing nothing but a towel.
Sirius raised an eyebrow. “Don’t think I’d put it past you.”
“To what, clamp it between my arse cheeks? I said I don’t bloody have it.”
“So if I were to look in your trunk…”
“You say that as if I don’t know you already did. And has it occurred to you that Y/N might have it?” James turned back to the sink and began washing his face, still carefully maintaining his air of nonchalance. “She said something about needing to make amends with Evans for last night. Maybe she’s going backhander shopping at Honeydukes.”
That seemed to satisfy Sirius. He popped James lightly on the back of the head before making his way out of the bathroom.
“Prink faster, will you? I’m Marvin.”
“We can’t all roll out of bed looking like Godric’s gift to women. Some of us have to work at it.”
James towelled off and took a breath. He didn’t like lying to Sirius. But then, he wasn’t technically lying. You did have the map. He just left out the minor detail that you were holding it for him till the weekend so he could use it to spy on Padfoot. He may have neglected to let you in on that detail as well.
Once back in the room, James evaluated the overall mood as he dressed. The mess around Peter’s bed was growing by the minute as he added the contents of his trunk to the floor in search of his left shoe. Remus and Sirius, meanwhile, were laughing about the unfortunate haircut Alice had given Frank that Frank refused to set right for fear of hurting her feelings. James gave his own hair a good tousle and hoped this wasn’t his lot in life now – blokes with girls talking to blokes with girls about other blokes with girls, while he and Pete just wandered around in the background, looking for their left shoes.
“Fuck’s sake, Worms, you’d think we weren’t literally at magic school right now,” Sirius said as Peter raked another pile of parchments, comics and socks out of his trunk. “Accio Peter’s left shoe.”
The shoe in question came flying from behind Peter’s bedside table. Sirius caught it and tossed it to him.
“Now can we please go to breakfast? If someone’s taken all the good scones before I had a chance to take all the good scones, I’m having Fortescue give you all haircuts.”
“If you’ll recall, I warned you this was going to happen. You forgot the second ‘N’ in 'Rennervate’.”
“I do recall.”
“And I told you I wouldn’t help you if you didn’t get it done last night, didn’t I? You need to mention the Shield Charm in that paragraph.”
“You did tell me that.”
“But you never listen, do you? Add a few foreign translations. 'Sersemlet’ in Turkish. 'Desmaius’ in Spanish. 'Stupor’ in German.”
“I absolutely never listen.”
“I’m sorry to be so harsh, but I just hope you’ve learnt a lesson this time,” Lily concluded as you rolled your Charms essay. You hoped you looked properly admonished, since the only thing you’d learnt was that you could always count on Lily to compulsively help you finish your assignments, even while in the midst of telling you she wasn’t helping you finish your assignments.
She sat down on your trunk as you finished packing your bag, and you could practically see your lecture running through her mind. She’d let you off the hook last night with a terse “let’s just get some sleep”, but now she looked every bit the mum about to give her daughter the “birds and bees” talk. Oh, Godric… she wasn’t about to give you the “birds and bees” talk, was she?
You were slightly relieved when she seemed more concerned about your method of exit last night.
“That’s a hundred-foot drop, Y/N.”
“I had a Whizzbee.”
“Which transitioned when from a sweet to a safety device? And I saw what he did with the broom – diving when he knew you weren’t even properly hanging on yet.”
“I’ve done more than my share of Wronski Feints, Lily, we play Quidditch. We’re perfectly comfortable in the air, and–”
“I know you’ve an answer for everything,” she said, cutting you off, “but I just want you to think about something for one second. Really think about it: What would’ve happened if something went wrong and you got hurt?”
“He wouldn’t have let me,” you said simply.
“Do you honestly trust him that much? I know he’d never hurt you on purpose, but you have to admit, he doesn’t tend to think things completely through.”
“Lily, I know you don’t like him, but is it really so awful not to think everything to death? I’ve been doing naught but thinking since term started, and where’s it gotten me? Confused, stressed, attracting hideous amounts of unwanted attention, and extremely bloody sleepy.”
“It’s nothing to do with liking him, it’s to do with understanding him a bit better after yesterday. It would seem he’s being backed into a corner. And as I recently learned you’re all part-time animals, I’m sure you can see where I’m going with that.”
“If you ever find Sirius Black attacking his way out of a corner – boy or dog – it’ll be because he’s pinned his friends behind him and is trying to protect them. That’s one thing it’d actually be great if you could understand about him, Lily. He can be an utterly selfish git, yes. He’ll take all the good scones, he’ll jump all the queues, he’ll buy the last Bad Company shirt in the shop even though he knew how much you wanted it…”
“Still hurts, does it?”
“It will always hurt.” Bloody hell, you’d wanted that shirt. You nearly decided to just end on that note and let Lily go on thinking the worst of the lousy shirt thief.
“Anyway, he’s a git. But when it’s something really important, he’s also the most selfless person I’ve ever known. And yeah, I’d trust him with my life.”
Lily looked you hard in the eyes until you crossed yours. She rolled hers and grabbed her bag off her bed.
“Fair enough. You’ve all made it this far without being expelled or permanently dismembered, and that’s more than I’d have put money on. Ready for some mediocre scones?”
“Just you watch – every one of them’s going to be lemon,” you sighed, joining her on her way to the door. “Oh, and Lily? I’d trust James with my life, too.”
“I wouldn’t trust Potter with my third toe.”
“Oh, well that I wouldn’t do either, he’s got a bit of a foot fetish.”
“And there goes my appetite…”
“More mediocre scones for me then!”
The week was a somewhat dull blur of Quidditch training and Lily demanding you focus on your schoolwork because in case you and the Marauders had forgotten, this was, in fact, an educational institution and not your own personal playground of wayward debauchery.
The Marauders continued forgetting.
Monday’s swearing-chalk stunt was a great success – you’d even caught Lily giggling a few times as Binns floated by, droning on about the Goblin Rebellion of 1752, completely oblivious to the torrent of obscenities his blackboard was unleashing. For an encore, however, they challenged Peeves to see who could come up with the most rude rhymes for “Snape”. Considering it took him a full two days of recitation whilst chasing Severus through the halls before he ran out of limericks, Peeves was the clear victor. But Lily was decidedly less amused by that prank, meaning you, Marlene and Emmeline had to spend all your free time placating her with revision sessions to stop her setting anyone on fire.
Elsewhere, Hogwarts had managed to weave a fascinating tale around you, Remus and Sirius, not a single portion of which was true.
Apparently, you and Sirius had been secretly dating since fourth year. Or had been bethrothed since birth, depending on who was telling the story. But a “volatile relationship between two people who are clearly mad as hatters”, as you overheard one seventh year put it, “well, it was just doomed from the start, wasn’t it?” Lovely. Anyway, all that doom boiled over when Sirius discovered Remus had taken you on a “clandestine” (publicly clandestine?) Hogsmeade jaunt, and your and Sirius’s fight was followed by an all-out brawl between Sirius and Remus in the Marauders’ dorm, which Sirius won. Or Sirius had challenged Remus to a duel, which Sirius won. Or in one particularly interesting version, Sirius had pushed Remus off the Astronomy Tower, which obviously also counted as a win. And now, you were either furious with Sirius, furious with Remus, or furious with them both, and everyone was waiting with bated breath to see what happened next.
The fact the three of you were currently taking your tea with James and Peter with nary a hint of conflict seemed to mean nothing to anyone.
“The thing that gets me is, I lose in every single version of this rumour,” Remus complained, shooting a hand out to snatch the last Bourbon away from Pete. “Not one person at this entire school could come up with a single scenario where I win?”
“Well, you’re clearly quick,” Peter frowned, settling for a Ginger Nut, “so I can’t see you just hanging about and letting Padfoot chuck you off the tower.”
“So… I successfully run away instead?”
“Well? It’s not a loss.”
“I’d win a bloody duel. Y/N, I’d win a duel, right?”
“Nah, you play too fair. Sirius would cheat.”
“Excuse me? You mean I’d be too creative to be limited by the parameters of mundane rules.”
“Six of one. Oh, Remus, don’t look like that. Tell you what, I’ll have Marly start a new rumour. You and Sirius decide how you’d win.”
“He challenges me to a swot-off?”
“How about I challenge you to sodoff?”
“Now, now, Moony, the real issue here isn’t that you’re losing, it’s that I’m winning in such completely uninspired ways. No one wants to lose a boring old dust-up. But what say you to losing a flying motorbike race whilst being pursued by a rogue dragon?”
“I say you’ve finally gone all the way doolally? Flying motorbikes don’t even exist–”
“Yet.”
“Fine, yet, but if we’re to’ve raced them, they sort of need to exist now. Meanwhile, I’ve still lost…”
“There’s an X factor in this version, though. What if you were neck and neck, and then bam, in comes the dragon, and you’re knocked off course as you narrowly dodge the vicious snap of its gaping jaws?”
“See? She gets it.”
“That’s not a comfort. But if that’s the case, then it should be a draw on the grounds of dragon interference.”
“Can I just interject to ask where I am in all of this? As if two of my best mates would be battling over another of my best mates and I wouldn’t be there to referee or provide moral support or witty commentary?”
“You’re where you always are: asleep in the common room,” you smiled at James, and as the lads laughed, you noticed Lily standing a few yards away, looking at the lot of you like you had three heads apiece.
“See you in DADA. Don’t be late,” you said around the last gulp of your tea before moving to intercept Lily. She still wasn’t quite over the Snape (“the oily snake, who shampooed once just by mistake, and his hair turned to mush like a sodden cake”… yeah, you’d had that one stuck in your head for days) incident, and you didn’t need James to lose any more points by saying something Jamesy.
“You really are all absolutely mental.”
“It’s basically a survival technique at this point. What’s going on?”
“I can’t find Marlene anywhere. She has my DADA notes, and I want to get to class early and start on the new chapter. Do you know–”
“Who would actually win a swot-off against Remus? Yes, I think I do.”
“Cute. Do you know where she is?”
“Let me step into this cupboard for a moment and I will.”
“Let you…? How is that going to help?”
“Just wait here and don’t open the door.”
You didn’t know what James was up to this weekend that would require you hiding the map, but you were glad to have it. There was a little errand you’d decided needed running, and as you looked over the names that slowly materialised, you reckoned now might be as good a time as any.
It took you a few minutes to spot Marlene in one of the empty classrooms on the fifth floor. Before you could wonder what she was doing there, you noticed another name quite close to hers: Duane Morgan. Merlin, Marlene. But actually, that might just work. Best of British to them, anyway. You gave the map a quick salute before tapping it with your wand and whispering “mischief managed”.
“She’s in the fifth-floor empty classroom next to the Boris statue,” you told Lily as you exited the cupboard and headed for the main doors. “Knock first and don’t act shocked to see Morgan.”
“Morgan?! Y/N Y/L/N, what did you just do?”
“The less you know, the happier you’ll be!” you called over your shoulder.
It was overcast and windy out, and you buried your face in your robes as a cold gust sent leaves swirling across the grounds. You hadn’t thought much about what you wanted to say, and that was just as well. Saying too much seemed to be what always led to friction when it came to him and the Marauders. The two of you, on the other hand, had maintained an odd sort of respectful civility by keeping your infrequent interactions brief, polite, and to the point.
You rounded a corner and found him sitting with his back against a large stone atop the slope that led down to Hagrid’s hut, using it to block the wind as he read. As you quietly approached, you could make out the dust jacket: The Eagle Has Landed. You’d seen a review in Remus’s copy of the Sunday Times last week. Brand-new Muggle novel about basically good people being forcibly recruited by the Nazis to do something bad. Undoubtedly a gift from Alphard. You hoped beyond hope that Alphard’s influence was taking root in there somewhere amongst the noxious weeds his parents sowed.
“Hello, Regulus.”
In the swift hands of a fellow seeker, the book vanished into his robes, but he relaxed when he saw it was you. He let out a small breath of what you assumed was relief and laid the novel in his lap as he peered up at you.
He didn’t have Sirius’s looks, but he was growing to be striking in his own way. If only he didn’t look so… repressed. Even without that pompous expression he wore whenever he was around his Housemates, he was a bit too pale, a bit too drawn, a bit too dour. Like a plant that had been denied proper sunlight for much too long.
Whereas Sirius had overcome his environment, Regulus was a clear product of it. He simply looked like what he was: an unhappy boy with no true friends, not thriving or having fun or looking forward to life’s adventures but just going through the motions of a rigidly scripted existence. And accustomed to having to hide his few joys from virtually everyone he knew.
His eyes – not grey like his brother’s but a misty blue that put you in mind of a hazy day on the ocean – were slightly wary now. You’d been regarding him a bit too long, and you needed him at ease for this conversation.
“To what do I owe the–”
“Rapturous pleasure of my delightful company?”
A ghost of a smile. So far, so good.
“Before we get to that, it’s helpful to keep a few decoy dust jackets about for when you don’t want people minding your business. Dull titles that have to do with maths and such. Remus and I have plenty; I’ll owl you a few.”
“Really? I’d… that is, that would be greatly appreciated. Thank you,” he said stiffly, but the look on his face gave him away as pleased. Time to get to the point.
“I’ve come to ask a favour. I don’t know what’s expected of you when it comes to your parents, and I’d never pretend to. But if there’s any way you could just play dumb from here on out when it comes to the topic of your brother’s… romantic pursuits, that would also be greatly appreciated.”
You’d expected him to be combative, to tell you to keep your nose out of his family’s affairs. You were surprised, therefore, to see him looking more apologetic than anything.
“I didn’t give them a name, I swear. I honestly thought they’d be glad. He’ll be of age next month. They want something settled, and every time they’ve spoken to him about it, he’s said… well, he…”
Regulus blushed and looked down at his book, so you finished for him. You’d heard Sirius say it often enough, and frankly, it never got less funny.
“He’s said he’d shag his way through the entire East End twice before he wasted a perfectly good ring on the finger of those shop mannequins playing at girls their jumped-up society friends birthed?”
The ghost of a smile took full form this time, and you grinned back.
“Yeah. That. Anyway, I thought they’d be relieved to hear that he seemed to be genuinely interested in someone. But if you’re here, I take it they’re not. So I won’t mention it again. And if they ask, I’ll tell them I’ve heard it didn’t work out. Is this agreeable?”
“It’s agreeable. Merci, Monsieur Noir.”
He smirked at you, and you felt the usual regret. There was still time for Regulus, but it was running out with every expectation he lived up to and every rule Sirius broke.
“Y/N?”
“Oui?”
“I’m not out to get him, you know. He thinks I am. I don’t like the way things are any more than he does, but it’s just the way things are. He has responsibilities. We both do. But… he’s my brother, and I love him,” he said firmly, but his expression was hesitant, as if he had just admitted a shortcoming. “If you could… perhaps not in those exact words, but…”
“I’ll give him your best, Regulus.”
“Please do.”
You turned to walk away but were stopped short by something he’d said.
“Hey, when you say you didn’t give your parents a name… does that mean you have a name to give?”
He seemed genuinely perplexed. “What do you mean?”
“Do you know who it is? The girl Sirius is interested in?”
Regulus looked at you as if unsure whether you were having him on or not. You supposed it was a surprising revelation, him knowing something about Sirius that his best mates didn’t, but you weren’t opposed to finding out this way if you had to. Sirius might have his reasons for keeping this under wraps, but you had no plans to break his trust. You just… needed to know. You needed the peace of mind of knowing that this girl wasn’t the type who might hurt him. He’d been hurt enough.
Unfortunately, Regulus didn’t look like someone about to divulge information.
His face was the picture of pure surprise now; his mouth had even fallen open a bit. He looked, for once, like a regular 13-year-old boy – and sounded like one, too, when he breathed: “You mean you honestly don’t know?”
“I don’t, but just forget I asked. It’s none of mine anyway, really.”
“Well, it’s sort of… wow. Yeah. Best not, actually. It’s not my place.”
Damn.
“No worries at all. Thanks again for the favour, and I’ll send those jackets off tonight. Until our next covert chat!”
You turned back one more time as he stood, fastidiously brushing bits of grass from his robes.
“Take care, alright, Regulus? Also, I’m easy to find. Should you ever need to find someone.”
“You take care as well,” he said quietly, avoiding the overture. As always.
“So despite the great personal risk to my toes, I’ll come up and get it. Just slide it under your door at midnight. That way, we can be sure no one sees you making the handover.”
“This is all extremely Avengers, isn’t it?” you asked, shoving your Quidditch gear into your locker. “Any particular reason?”
“Yes.”
“Git.”
“Aaargh, Y/N, don’t make me feel bad about this. There’s just something I need to check on. The lads don’t know either, and I swear I’ll tell you first if it turns out to be anything important. Deal?”
“Fine. 'You can keep your secret for the present, if you want to be mysterious.’”
“Tolkien!” Remus shouted as he flung the changing-room curtain aside. James laughed. He looked like a magician making a particularly dramatic stage entrance. It was good to see him so at ease.
“So Prongs has a secret?”
“Yes. I’m MI6, undercover. I trust Her Majesty’s Secret Service can rely on your discretion.”
“Git.”
“See?” you gestured. James stuck his tongue out at you and decided it was time for a diversion.
“What’re you up to, Moony? Come down to watch the old ball and chain practice?”
“I always watch practice, you div.”
“Hadn’t occurred to me to ask till now, but tomorrow’s Saturday. Going to Hogsmeade again, are we? Nudge nudge?”
“We’re all going to Hogsmeade together, like normal,” you answered, slinging your bag over your shoulder.
“Yeah,” Remus said, lifting the bag off your arm and onto his own. “Once everyone gets bored of the rumour-mongering, we’ll try another proper date.”
You gave Remus a sunny smile as he held the curtain back for you, and James realised with dawning horror that Remus Lupin was about a mile fucking smoother than him, and he was bloody well gaining on Sirius, for that matter. Never had he thought he’d be looking to the lad who’d come to Hogwarts terrified of his own shadow for lessons on how to impress girls, but he might do well to start taking notes.
The three of you made your way back to the castle together and got cleaned up for an uneventful dinner. Around ten – after several remarks about James’s “power-mad march towards tyranny” – Sirius declared himself exhausted and turned in early. James had run a particularly strenuous practice with just that outcome in mind. Remus’s second-favourite activity behind reading was sleeping, so he wasn’t far behind Pads, and Peter followed the majority, as usual.
There were a few sixth and seventh years still knocking about in the common room at midnight, but they were all focused on their books or conversations, and no one noticed when James slipped up the stairs to the girls’ dormitories. With the map safely beneath his shirt, he headed up to his room. Everyone was asleep, and he undressed quietly before sliding the map under his pillow and climbing into bed.
He’d hoped his tired body would drag him right off to sleep as well, but his brain had other ideas. Was he doing the right thing? Sirius was his best mate, and it stung a bit that he hadn’t talked to him about this relationship. James hadn’t been two minutes separated from the realisation that he fancied Lily before he was regaling Sirius with his plans for their future. He’d naturally assumed it would be the same when Padfoot finally set his sights on a girl. And he’d been blindsided when – in the space of just a few days – he’d gone from preparing for that conversation to be about you to wondering who the hell had turned Sirius’s head so quickly.
He had to know James would keep his confidence. So what was it? Was she a Slytherin? Had he actually developed feelings for one of the snobbish birds his parents had been forcing him to socialise with for years and was too embarrassed to say? Or was he embarrassed of James instead – afraid he’d say something offensive or do something daft? Was this his method of getting over you? Had he resigned himself to an arranged marriage and decided to make the best of a bad situation by snogging his intended at every opportunity?
It took some doing, but James finally quieted his inner monologue and, along with it, the fear that he was planning to follow Pads out of nothing but petty nosiness or wounded feelings. Things had not been going well for Sirius of late, and he was worried about him. All of you were worried about him. It didn’t matter to James who this girl was – so long as she was a good person who was treating Sirius well. Once he knew that for certain, he could relax and let everyone’s love lives fend for themselves.
He closed his eyes as the clock chimed two. Tomorrow was going to be an interesting day.
Breakfast lasted a week. Everyone got ready for six months. The walk to Hogsmeade was a decades-long pilgrimage for bloody butterbeer.
By the time the five of you had settled into a booth at the Broomsticks for lunch, James was convinced he’d be old and grey – but still ridiculously good-looking – before Sirius ever departed for his post-Hogsmeade date tonight. Not even watching a mildly tipsy Evans giggling with Vance, Fortescue and Macdonald a few tables over could cheer him up. Well… maybe it cheered him up a bit.
At least a distraction presented itself when McKinnon walked in with Morgan.
“How long’s that been going on?” Peter asked. McKinnon had spotted you and was trying to pull Morgan back out the door. From the look on her face, James guessed she hadn’t mentioned to you that she was seeing him.
“Not very long, I don’t think,” you answered. Morgan had spotted you as well now and seemed pretty adamant about coming in. That couldn’t be good.
“She didn’t tell you, did she?” Remus asked, having also noticed that Marlene looked as if she’d sooner leap into the fireplace at this point than be here. Morgan signalled for a pair of butterbeers and chose a table directly in your line of sight. That couldn’t be good either.
“No, but there’s no reason to. He wasn’t my boyfriend, we just went on a few dates. Last year, even.”
“Well, someone should tell him that before McKinnon runs out of oxygen,” Sirius said, nodding towards their table. Morgan was almost comically over-snogging the girl, pausing only to occasionally glance over to see if you were watching.
“Godric, poor Marlene,” you sighed. “What an arsehole.”
You turned and exchanged a look with Evans, who seemed to be trying to decide if she should go over and interrupt. Before she could, Sirius’s fingers flicked ever so slightly in Morgan’s direction as he pretended to scratch his nose. Suddenly, one of the butterbeers Rosmerta had just set on the table tipped over, drenching Morgan’s trousers.
He leapt up, cursing his way to the loo, and you and Evans descended on McKinnon, who was on the verge of tears. Once you’d convinced her she’d broken no sacred bonds where you were concerned and Evans had insisted she spend the rest of the trip with the girls, you returned to the table. James watched as you mouthed a quick “thank you” to Sirius, who tried for an innocent expression before giving up and winking at you.
After that, the group split up for the rest of the afternoon. You and Remus disappeared to the music shop, and Peter headed back to Honeydukes to try to chat up some bird he had his eye on. James and Sirius, meanwhile, elected to partake in one of their favourite forms of entertainment: donning the cloak and terrorising third years at the Shrieking Shack.
They’d just successfully sent a group screaming back towards the castle when you and Remus strolled up, large smiles on your faces.
“I thought that one kid was going to faint dead away when you were tugging on his robes,” you laughed as James pulled the cloak off the two of them.
“Just a few more satisfied customers!” Sirius grinned.
“Of some future therapist,” Remus added.
“The onus is on us to keep the 'shriek’ in Shrieking Shack, Moons,” James said, noticing with relief that twilight was finally creeping over the trees. “Do we need to round up Pete?”
“We saw him leaving with those Hufflepuffs,” Moony said, shaking his head.
“Was he using the 'my uncle manages the Rolling Stones’ story again?” James asked, cringing a bit. You bobbed your head.
“You’d think he’d have come up with a new one after he told it to that lass last year whose uncle actually did manage the Rolling Stones,” Sirius mused.
The four of you made your way back, boisterously singing Stones tunes the whole way, and after a quick dinner, Sirius excused himself and was gone. James decided to bide his time and was rewarded for it. Evans’s group returned and joined yours at the Gryffindor table, and – still relaxed by the butterbeer – she included James in her cheerful chattering as if she’d been doing it for years. By the time everyone decided to head up to the tower, he was practically glowing. Maybe he wouldn’t spend his life looking for his left shoe after all.
As the Hall thinned out, you and Remus hung back to congratulate him on not being persona non grata to the object of his affection for once. He told you to go on without him, saying he was going to do a bit of spying on Pete, who still had the Hufflepuff girls on the hook in the first-floor corridor. It wasn’t a lie; he listened in from beneath the cloak until Peter started assuring them he could procure tickets to the Rolling Stones concert of their choice. That boy’s lying was becoming a problem.
James headed back to the ground floor and found a quiet corner wherein he could spread out the map. Taking a deep breath, he whispered the words.
He scrutinised every nook and cranny in the castle, every tucked-away little alcove or dead-end space in a rarely used corridor where two people might sneak off to be alone. And while he discovered quite a few apparent trysts he’d never have predicted, what he didn’t find was Sirius.
He’d developed quite the headache by the time he decided to try the grounds, and that’s when he finally spotted him. In one of the greenhouses. Personally, James found the greenhouses to be more hideously disturbing than romantic at night, but to each his own. He adjusted his glasses and steeled himself to read the name alongside Sirius’s.
Only… there wasn’t one.
Shit, had he missed her? He looked quickly for dots that might have recently entered the castle from outside and found none. James pounded his fist on the floor in frustration. He’d never be able to keep the map away from Sirius for another week. He should’ve just left the Great Hall when Padfoot did, but he’d been too caught up in Evans treating him like a human, and now he’d blown the whole thing.
He was folding the map in defeat and preparing to go up to bed when the penny finally dropped.
Fuck.
He hadn’t missed Mystery Bird; she’d never been there at all. She’d never been anywhere at all because she didn’t bloody exist. Sirius had made her up. To avoid the conversation you were trying to have with him the night of the party. To protect himself after you agreed to a date with Remus. So that you wouldn’t find out he’d stood aside for Moony and would instead think he’d already been interested in another girl.
That stupid fucking and yet still somehow rather impressively selfless idiot.
The main doors appeared to open and close on their own as James took off for the greenhouses. There was a very slim chance he could still be wrong, but the pieces had fallen too perfectly into place. He’d forgotten which greenhouse Sirius had been in amidst the shock of his revelation, but he finally found him in the third, slumped against a stack of potting-compost bags, a half-empty bottle of firewhisky beside him. He was either asleep or unconscious, and James lit his wand in order to examine the ground around him. Only one set of footprints.
“Pads,” James said loudly, and Sirius jolted. He tried for a moment to scramble to his feet but couldn’t find purchase in the dirt. Dropping back against the compost, he raised the bottle of whisky towards James instead before taking a long drink.
“Sirius, what the hell are you doing?”
“Dating.”
“Dating? Well, I must say, this is not at all as advertised, and I have to wonder now why everyone’s so bloody interested in doing it.”
“Was dating. Date’s over.”
“Ah. When did the date end?”
“Five minutes. Just missed her.”
“That’s interesting, because I had the map out five minutes ago–”
“I fucking knew you had the map, you lied to my–”
“I didn’t lie to your anything, Y/N did have the map till last night. So as I was saying, I had the map out five minutes ago, and I couldn’t seem to find a name anywhere in the vicinity of yours.”
“Okay, ten minutes.”
“I had it out ten minutes ago, too.”
“Twenty then, what do I know, I’m drunk, and you did lie. If she had it, then you gave it to her just so you could do this. I can’t believe you–”
“And I can’t believe you. You couldn’t just tell me you’d made it all up? Me?”
“Made what up? So she left before you got the map out, so what, it’s none of your fucking business, James.”
“You made up a girl because you were afraid Y/N was going to tell you she–”
“What does Y/N have to do with anything. She’s with Remus. She belongs with Remus.”
“Did you honestly think I wouldn’t understand? And did you think she wasn’t just as scared as you? It took a lot for her to walk over there that night, Pads, she–”
“I can’t help it if she thought she was… whatever she thought she was. She was wrong, she got it straightened out, and that’s it. And it’s good luck she did, too, because… because I don’t even think of her that way. Never have.”
“Oh, really?”
“Really. She’s a friend, that’s all. A good friend. So just drop it, will you.”
“So it wouldn’t mean anything to you if I were to tell you she–”
“Leave it, for fuck’s sake!!”
“Sirius, she loves you.”
“She doesn’t. She loves Remus.”
“Sirius…”
“I don’t love her.”
“Sirius.”
“Ican’t love her, James…”
His voice broke, and he crumbled. James had seen Sirius cry before over the course of their friendship. But they had always been angry tears. Furiously storming out of the Potters’ fireplace after a row with his parents, defiantly swiping a sleeve over cheeks that were wet with disgust and shame and resentment, not sadness.
James suddenly had a very startling picture of just how terrifyingly powerful love could be as he dropped to his knees and pulled his sobbing friend into his arms. Sirius’s entire body was heaving, and James did his best to hold him steady until it stopped, not having a clue what else to do in that moment. What he did know was that he and Sirius were long overdue for a talk. But not now, and not here.
When Sirius’s misery had given way to the occasional shuddering sigh, James gently helped him to his feet.
“You can’t tell her, Prongs… swear to me you won’t tell her.”
“I won’t tell her, I swear. But mate, you need to tell me what’s going on. Everything that’s going on. And then we’ll go from there. Alright?”
Sirius nodded as James grabbed his upper arm for support, and the two turned to leave before James had a thought.
“Let’s just take this with us, shall we,” he said, bending to grab the liquor bottle. “The last thing I ever want to see in my life is a Venomous Tentacula that’s gone and watered itself with firewhisky.”
There was a pause, and then they both erupted in laughter. The boys were still howling as they staggered into the secret passage behind the ivy and had to stop midway through just to let the mania wear off before they got themselves nicked.
James took in a heavy breath as he pulled off his glasses to wipe his face. Crying, laughing, love, pain, fear, worry, hope… and all in the space of about five minutes.
I’ve been stuck on this part so long, and I finally sussed out that I was vastly overthinking where I wanted it to go next. Soooo I reckoned if I let this part move out of the house and be its own person, the next part might be free to, y'know, move into its old room and get comfy lol
This one is still around 5,000 words on its own, though, so I desperately hope it doesn’t feel like shortchanging. I love every one of you who’s read any part of this, and I promise I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now! Happy belated Halloween, and please feel more than free to keep guiding my scattered self through what I am determined will be my first finished fanfic! <3
“So call me cynical, but I think that was less about making sure you were alright and more about sussing out whether you’ve called bagsy on Remus or Sirius so they can go after the other one,” Marlene said, pulling her hair into a ponytail.
“Well spotted.” Your voice was muffled beneath the pillows you’d piled over your head.
“Come out from there and do your Charms work,” Lily called from her bed.
“My favourite was the third year who asked you to get her a lock of Black’s hair,” Marlene continued cheerfully.
“Or that girl who asked if Lupin had any tattoos,” Emmeline added as she and Marlene descended into a fit of giggles.
“Does Ilvermorny have a student exchange programme?” you wondered aloud.
“I’m not going to help you in the morning if you haven’t done your essay,” Lily warned, meticulously filling out her diary for the week.
You wished you had James’s cloak so you could slip out of the room. Better yet, out of the school. Out into the night and just stop thinking. James was right. You were tired of thinking. And worrying, second-guessing, trying to interpret and predict everyone else’s thoughts and feelings and moods… You knew you needed to listen to Lily, but that was just more thinking you didn’t have the energy to do.
Instead, you remained in your bedclothes cocoon until the girls had settled in, their rustlings eventually replaced by the familiar sounds of the castle at night – the distant creaks and thumps and pops you’d always found strangely calming. You were just about to let them lull you to sleep when you heard a light tapping at the window beside your bed.
It was late for an owl, and you jolted back into alertness, hoping nothing was wrong. The tapping sounded again as you dropped onto the sill and lifted the latch. Pushing the window open, you were met with nothing but inky darkness. You leaned forwards, confused, and were about to poke your head out when Sirius’s face rose suddenly in front of you.
“Candygram!” he grinned, proffering a Fizzing Whizzbee.
You fell back onto one elbow, gasping so hard a shrill wheeze emitted from your throat.
“Holy… what– how are you–?”
Your mind was racing as fast as your heart as you watched him bobbing in mid-air, still holding out the sweet. Not even ten packets of Whizzbees could lift someone that high off the ground.
You sat up as Sirius receded from the window, affording you a full view of him – astride his broomstick. Exhaling slowly as he drifted back to the window, you snatched the sherbet off his open palm.
“As apologies for giving someone a heart attack go, this is lacking.”
“I haven’t begun apologising yet,” he said, abruptly solemn, and the tension left your body so quickly you almost tipped over again. You weren’t angry with him. Maybe you should’ve been. He had acted like a prat, but at the end of the day, the last thing he’d said to you (shouted at you, whatever) was that he wanted you to be happy.
What would make you happy was for him to be happy again.
“Sirius, you don’t need to–”
“I do and shall, but first – fancy a spin?”
He raised his eyebrows at you hopefully, and you smiled.
“Please tell me Black isn’t somehow floating outside our window right now,” Lily’s groggy voice came from across the room.
“You did tell him to keep off the stairs…”
Sirius laughed, and your smile widened at the sound of it.
“Give that a go,” he said, gesturing to the Whizzbee. “I don’t want you trying to drop straight off the edge.”
“Please tell me you’re not about to climb out a window over a hundred feet in the air!” Lily said, her pitch and volume rising with every word.
“Course I’m not, you’re dreaming,” you said clumsily around the large sweet in your mouth, scooting to the edge of the sill and dangling your legs out the window. You felt like you were the one dreaming as your bum suddenly lifted a few inches off the stone beneath you and Sirius took hold of your wrist, smoothly guiding your hovering form across the sheer drop and over to his broom. You put a hand on his shoulder, discarding the Whizzbee and settling lightly onto the broomstick behind him.
The natural thing, of course, would’ve been to wrap your arms around his middle, but you couldn’t seem to make yourself do it, awkwardly clutching the bottom of his T-shirt instead and shifting slightly backwards to widen the gap between you. Sirius swivelled his head, side-eyeing you amusedly, and you looked up, pretending to admire the stars.
That was your first mistake.
Without warning, Sirius dropped the nose of the broom, sending it plummeting into a downward dive. You could’ve sworn you’d screamed, but the corresponding sound never came as all air was ripped from your lungs by the sudden fall. Your stomach, meanwhile, felt like it’d been left on the swiftly retreating windowsill.
Survival instincts shoved inner turmoil out of the way. You flung your arms around him, clamping your hands tightly over his stomach and flattening yourself against his back. Your eyes were watering so that you could barely see, and you sputtered as you tried to extricate strands of Sirius’s wildly flapping hair from your mouth.
At that, he pulled the broomstick out of its dive, levelling off about 15 feet above the ground and pausing there. You could feel his body shaking with silent laughter as you released your grip on him to exasperatedly shove his hair down the back of his shirt. You wanted to call him any number of names, cuff him on the back of the head, kick him in the ankle.
But you found those options all paled in comparison to how much you wanted to wrap your arms around him again and let him go on laughing forever.
He glanced back tentatively, apparently expecting one of the more violent reactions. You gave him your brightest smile instead.
“Thought we were going for a spin?”
Sirius beamed, and your heart leapt at the mirthful glint in his eyes. It had been missing for so long.
“As you wish.”
The broom shot upwards, rocketing high above the castle before Sirius turned abruptly, launching the two of you into a series of loops and barrel rolls that had you shrieking with joy. The waning moon resembled a bouncing ball in the sky as your perspective cycled rapidly between right-side up and upside down, and your head was unquestionably spinning by the time he evened his flight path.
As he flew smoothly but with electrifying speed above the grounds, you relaxed your arms into a comfortable hold around his waist and rested your chin on his shoulder, letting the wind engulf you in the stormy scent of him. He navigated the castle’s turrets in precise figure-eights, made a brief game of taunting the Whomping Willow, and took a few turns around the Quidditch pitch before sailing low over the Black Lake.
Sirius slowed, and you watched as the reflected sky transformed the lake’s surface into a fluid canvas of stars. You were trying quite hard to put out of your mind that this was exactly what you’d imagined doing if the two of you had ever gone on a date when he brought the broom to a halt. He slung his leg over, sitting on the broomstick like a swing, feet dangling over the dark water, and you followed suit. You sat in silence for a moment, watching the occasional ripple send a shiver through the stars, but the silence was loaded and you needed to break it. Being uncomfortable around Sirius was unnatural. And it hurt.
“Know what I love about watching the water move in the lake? It could be the squid, or a grindylow, or even a merperson. But it could also just be a fish. A perfectly boring, non-magical fish. And if it’s just a fish, then I get to be just a girl for a moment. Nothing else.”
“Just a girl… levitating above a lake on a broom.”
You smirked at him, and he nudged you with his shoulder.
“Only winding you up. I know exactly what you mean. If I were just a boy, I’d only have to listen to Walburga’s gaping gob on holidays. She wouldn’t have the option to pop it in the post.”
He snorted humourlessly, and you found yourself modifying your instincts again. In some other time that seemed bizarrely much further away than just a month or so ago, you’d have taken his hand or put your arm around him. As it was, you leant against him lightly, hoping that was encouragement enough for him to go on. He sighed and slid a hand through his hair.
“She threatened me. Again. Which means she’s still invested enough in this parent thing to care what other people think of me. I’ll need to up my ‘blight upon the family legacy’ game. Suggestions?”
“Hmm. You could always join the VSO. Just become even more of a disgustingly worthwhile human being.”
He chuckled quietly, and you waited. Walburga threatening Sirius was old hat. There was something else bothering him.
“Seems as if darling Regulus has also taken to spying for them. I’m sure that’ll earn him a pat on the head and an extra chestnut at Crimbo.”
“What did he tell them?”
You felt him tense and glanced over.
“He’s somehow heard about… well, that there’s… a girl.”
His tone shifted to discomfort as he spoke, and you were having trouble deciding what to make of it. He certainly hadn’t been shy about his love life last night. One thing you did know, however, was that you weren’t prepared to let your lingering feelings for him drive a wedge between you. Even now, just sitting here beside him after a late-night joyride, you felt the full force of how much you’d missed him.
“Rotten little blighter. And why does he care all of a sudden? If you’re the sort to listen to rumours, you’ve gone out with everyone from Marlene to Madam Rosmerta.”
“I started that last one,” Sirius said conspiratorially, leaning forwards to watch your expression. It was something he’d done since first year. Always waiting eagerly to see if you smiled or laughed at his jokes, looking pleased with himself when you did. You didn’t disappoint him, and he kept his eyes fixed on yours as he continued.
“I’m really sorry about last night, Y/N.”
“So am I.”
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”
“I was shouting just as loudly as you. Though in fairness, you did win the blowing-things-up contest I wasn’t aware we were having.”
“You were only shouting because I was acting like a complete bellend. And being pissed is no excuse. None. I don’t know what… I just wasn’t…”
He looked out across the lake, blinking in frustration as he tried to find the words he wanted. You didn’t like that it was a struggle. He should be able to talk to you about anything, without a second thought. Including this girl.
“Sirius, I haven’t said that I’m happy for you, and I should’ve done from the very first. Because I am. I’m glad you’ve found someone special. I’m glad you’re having fun. Nobody deserves it more than you.”
“I can think of two people offhand: you and Moony. And I’m happy things went well last night. I swear I am.”
The silence was lighter this time, and after a few moments, Sirius produced his wand, waving it towards the latest ripple in the lake. A few golden sparks drifted over the surface, and as they descended, a small fish jumped out of the water, mistaking them for food. Sirius smiled at you.
“Just a fish,” you smiled back.
“Just a fish. But I’m sorry to have to inform you that you’ll never be just a girl. Not to me.”
In your head, you tumbled off your perch into the lake, where you would live out your days with the merpeople, far away from your feelings. In reality, you tightened your grip on the broomstick to prevent that from happening whilst forcing yourself to maintain eye contact. He was speaking to you as a friend. Just a friend.
“But since there’s something extraordinary about being ordinary around here, let’s make a pact: You can always be just a girl with me, and I can always be just a boy with you?”
You wanted to tell him how very much that simple offer meant to you, but you didn’t trust your voice. You nodded instead, then watched as his momentary calm gave way to something much more troubling. He looked defeated. It was a look you’d never seen on his face before, and it frightened you.
“Tell me,” you said quietly. There was no hesitation this time.
“It’s getting worse. It’s getting so much worse, and I don’t think it’s going to stop. Last summer, it was just locking me in my room for the day, sending me to bed without dinner because of the posters on my wall. I’d give her cheek, she’d do her screaming bit, I’d pop off to Prongs’s for a weekend. But this summer, she didn’t just lock me in my room. She’d put a body-bind on me first. One night, she had Kreacher cast Levicorpus on me, left me hanging in the corner until I was all but unconscious. And bog-standard screaming isn’t good enough anymore – she uses the fucking stinging jinx as exclamation marks.”
You’d gone entirely cold, but you didn’t interrupt. He needed someone to know. A part of you felt like you could literally dissolve into tears, but you didn’t do that either. You needed him to know that you could handle hearing this. Because you had a sinking feeling he was right – it wasn’t going to stop on its own. And if he went silent about it again, you wouldn’t know when it was time to take matters into your own hands and make it stop.
“It feels different in there,” he continued, his voice pensive now. “Tense, heavy, like the entire foul place is waiting for something. Before, they were perfectly chuffed to be shot of me; now, they don’t always let me leave. It’s like they’re trying to… break me. So the question is, why do they need me broken? And how far are they willing to go to–”
He gave you a pleading look.
“You know I’d never do anything to hurt you, right?” he asked suddenly. “Including letting anyone else hurt you.”
“Of course, love,” you said, your voice cracking slightly. You’d only thoughtyour head was spinning before. But of all the emotions assailing you right now, the one missing was surprise. If Peter’s parents were suspect, Sirius’s may as well be lunching with Voldemort at Rules.
“She said that if I took up with any girl they didn’t approve of… well, I didn’t let her finish saying what she’d do, but I can’t really think of a good end to that sentence. So you understand, yeah? You understand why I can’t–”
Why he couldn’t be more open about his relationship. You understood, and you felt more terrible than ever that you’d been avoiding him.
“I don’t care what happens to me. But if something were to happen to someone I care about because they finally realised that would hurt more than anything they could do to me…”
“Sirius, if anyone in your family ever tried to hurt someone you care about, it’d be naught to do with you. You being good is not what makes them bad. These people, these Death Eaters – they want to hurt all of us. Full stop. If we’re not with them, we’re against them, and they don’t need another reason. But don’t you ever forget that there are people who do care what happens to you. Please don’t go through this alone… that hurts me more than anything.”
You could see the moonlight shimmering silver in his eyes, and you knew one blink would send tears spilling down your cheeks as well. Bloody hell, weren’t the two of you smiling just five minutes ago?
“Sirius,” you said with as much solemnity as you could muster. “Let me hate your parents with you.”
He exhaled a relieved laugh as you held out your palm. You might be too namby-pamby to take his hand, but it was different if you left it up to him, right? He looked at your hand for a moment, then slid his beneath it, slowly curling his fingers and yours along with them until your closed hand was wrapped warmly in his.
“Nearly all my secrets,” he said softly. “Safe and sound.”
“Nearly all?” you managed. You felt like your insides had melted.
“Well,” he winked, giving your hand a squeeze before releasing you and swinging his leg back over the broomstick. “A bloke’s got to have a little mystery to him.”
You pulled your leg back over the broom, and when you wrapped your arms around him this time, there was no mistaking it for self-preservation. Pressing your cheek against his shoulder blade, you hugged him as tightly as you could, wishing you knew how to keep him safe. He relaxed against you, resting his left arm on yours as he guided the broom above the forest.
You could tell he was heading for the ruins and caught a faint whiff of wood smoke as he wove through the branches. Behind the crumbling stone structure, a small fire came into view, Remus, James and Peter gathered round it.
“Moony reckoned we all needed to let off a bit of steam,” Sirius said as he came in for a landing, helping you off the broom before propping it against some rubble. “And Prongs reckoned we needed to let it off without firewhisky,” he added, scowling at James as he freed his hair from his shirt.
“Yes, how terribly unreasonable of Prongs, considering we’ve established what a right ray of sunshine you are when you’re on the hard stuff,” James challenged, pointing at a rock onto which Sirius dropped sulkily.
“Knob.”
“Prick.”
“Langer.”
“Cockwomble.”
“Don’t you just love it when the family’s all together?” Remus asked cheerfully.
You grinned as you sat down beside him. He still looked peaky, of course – the usual aftereffects. He was paler than normal, which accentuated the dark circles under his eyes, and he moved slowly and a bit stiffly due to the lingering soreness. But he was in much better spirits than he’d ever been so soon after the moon.
As you studied him, he reached into his jacket and removed the Dairy Milk wrapper, placing it on your knee and watching as you opened it to the sound of James and Sirius’s continued sniping.
“Why, Remus… you’ve saved me exactly one square of chocolate.”
“Thelast square of chocolate! You know how big a sacrifice that is for me.”
“I do. I also know that you know that if I were to pick up that last square of chocolate and even pretend I intended to eat it, you’d start in with the puppy-dog eyes and I’d give it straight back to you.”
“Yes, but it’s the thought that counts,” he smiled, snapping up the chocolate. You gave him a quick peck on the cheek and counted his furious blushing as sufficient payback.
“Just have a fucking butterbeer and shut it!!” James bellowed at Sirius, flinging a bottle at him before turning and offering one to you like a suddenly well-mannered sommelier.
“And for the lady, a charming little vintage and our finest twig.”
You accepted the butterbeer and the stick he also extended.
“I know he’s being stroppy right now, but I’ll not have a hand in beating him.”
“Cheers!” Sirius nodded, raising his already-two-thirds-depleted butterbeer in your direction.
“Nah, we’ve got marshmallows. Loads of them!” Peter said, tossing you a packet. You skewered a few and handed it off to Remus, and the five of you settled into chit-chat as you toasted and ate your treats. You were trying your best to relax and enjoy the moment, but in the back of your mind, you were mulling.
Apart from the blushing, which was just involuntary Remus, there was no awkwardness between the two of you. Not even after last night. So… maybe it was a sign. Perhaps you’d been wrong and what you really needed was a nice, safe, predictable relationship. What was the harm in comfortable? Jumpers, blankets, books, tea… people liked this stuff for a reason, for Godric’s sake. Yes, you’d fancied Sirius, but he didn’t fancy you back, and that was that. The two of you were in a good place again and you were glad of it, but it was high time you gave your full attention to the boy who seemed to want it.
“Marshmallow for your thoughts?”
You plucked a browned marshmallow off Remus’s twig and chewed as the two of you watched James and Sirius attempting to talk Peter into eating a still-flaming one.
“Just tidying my head is all.”
“You and Padfoot alright?”
“We are. I should’ve just ignored him last night. I don’t know why I didn’t.”
“You’re allowed to have your fill every now and then. We can’t get overfond of him; it’ll just go to his head.”
You smiled. “This is lovely, by the way. Thanks for thinking of it.”
“It was actually something you said. Or wrote. That it would all run its course eventually. So it can just run its course now and have done with it instead. And I reckon the forest makes a pretty good course.”
You started to ask what he meant but were interrupted by a yelp of pain from Peter and a cheer from James and Sirius.
“Wormtail, you have got to learn to say no, mate,” Remus sighed, motioning to James, who stood and cleared his throat loudly.
“Firstly, I think a toast to Moony’s health is in order. Normally, he’d still be in hospital right now. Yet here he sits, his furry little problem reduced to a furry little inconvenience.”
“To Remus!” you all cheered, raising your drinks.
He raised his in return, looking around at the four of you.
“And to the best mates a lad could ask for. Never dreamt I’d have friends at all, much less friends who’d be willing to do what you lot have done for me. Thank you.”
That hung in the air for a moment before a loud crash somewhere in the forest sent a startled flock of crows into the night sky.
“Alright, I’ve no interest in being emotional while I’m eaten by an acromantula,” James resumed quickly. “Down to the point, fifth year’s been a bit of a roller coaster up to now, but there’s nothing we can’t handle so long as we stick together. Things are changing, yeah, but we’re an adaptable bunch of miscreants. And on that subject, Y/N, three-quarters of us haven’t yet had the pleasure.”
“Of?” you asked, and you must’ve looked as shocked as you felt because Remus choked on his butterbeer.
“No, no, he doesn’t mean 'of going out with you’. I suggested we come out here tonight to have a good run through the forest. And Sirius is the only one who’s seen your animagus form.”
“Right, so go on then!” James urged excitedly.
“Well I’m not shifting with you wallies just stood here staring at me!”
“We’ll turn round,” Remus said, standing and moving between you and the others. “Turn,” he ordered, and they begrudgingly complied. You took a deep breath and focused, feeling yourself sinking into your form.
You opened your eyes to find yourself staring at Remus’s legs. Extending your long neck, you nipped at the hem of his trousers and he spun, his face positively lighting up at the sight of you. If you weren’t currently a swan, you’d have been grinning from ear to ear; he looked like a child who’d just received his first puppy. As it was, you honked softly as he ran his hand over the feathers on your neck, which prompted the others to turn.
“Blimey, that’s brilliant,” James exhaled as he and Peter also reached out to stroke your feathers. You suddenly felt a bit shy. You didn’t blame them for being interested, of course – you’d been fascinated the first time you saw them shift as well. But unlike them, you weren’t quite accustomed yet to being an animal. Especially not around people.
Sirius had stayed back, watching you, but he stepped forward now.
“Alright, hands off, you all bloody well know she belongs to the Queen,” he said, shooing the lads. You honked a laugh and he shot you a wink that seemed to say he’d somehow sensed your discomfort.
“Off we go?” He tossed a marshmallow into the air, then shifted in time to catch it in his mouth.
“Show-off,” James grumbled as his and Peter’s bodies melted away in opposite directions.
“Looks positively delightful when you lot do it,” Remus grinned. Sirius whined and propped his chin on Remus’s leg. “I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself,” Remus said, ruffling the fur on Padfoot’s head. “Well, except that I wish I could go with, but I’m in no shape to run.”
James snorted and began gesturing backwards with his antlers.
“I’ll be fine here,” Remus insisted.
James raised a back hoof and began hopping about on the other three as he scratched at his side.
“What is it, Prancer? Got ticks, have you?”
As a series of honks, barks and squeaks replaced laughter, James suddenly appeared in the stag’s place. The whole animagus thing really was utterly bizarre.
“Climb on, you berk, I was clearly telling you to climb on my back!”
“Well, forgive me if I’m a bit rusty on my Deer Charades, seeing as it’s been approximately never since I’ve played. And you don’t have to do that, Prongs. I’ll only slow you down.”
“Give me some credit, son, I’m a bloody majestic king of the forest.”
It actually worked like a charm. James was the size of an enormous horse in stag form, and Remus was easily able to hold onto his antlers as the five of you sped through the forest.
You felt freer than you had in ages. You alternated between flying high above the trees – slowly beginning to feel as if you belonged halfway between the sky and the earth as you continued to adjust to your form – and low amidst the others, delighting in simply being young, wild and dissident with your mates. It was at times like this that you always felt you and the Marauders were getting far more out of your time at Hogwarts than the students sleeping safely in the castle.
You eventually made your way back to the ruins, exhausted but decidedly tension-free. The fire was nearly out, and James doused it for good with what was left of the last butterbeer.
“Wait for me by the greenhouses,” Sirius instructed the lads as he hopped back onto his broom, hovering low as he waited for you to say your goodbyes and join him.
“Straight home, madam?” he asked once you were in the air.
“Eh, once around the pitch first, Jeeves.”
He grinned back at you and took off at a lazy pace that made you feel as if you were being rocked to sleep. There were a million things you could have been thinking about at that moment, but in your ultra-relaxed state, one thought in particular popped into your head and subsequently out of your mouth.
“How did you know I was uncomfortable? When they were gathered round me after I shifted?”
“We tend to be on the same wavelength about most things,” he said without hesitation, circling the Slytherin stands. Without exchanging so much as a glance, the two of you drew your wands and fired off spells, yours at the flag on top and his at a green-and-silver banner hanging from the front. You laughed as the flag transformed into a fabric snake, flapping about limply with large Xs where its eyes should be, and the banner suddenly read, “Ssstay ssslimy, Sssnivellus”.
“Case in point!” he gestured. “Anyway, my animagus form’s a bit more socially acceptable than the others. Prongs strays too far in that posh neighbourhood of his and he’s liable to get shot at by some Lord or another’s hunting party. And Wormtail couldn’t exactly go strolling about either without people and cats trying to put an end to him. But man’s best friend is free to jog about where he pleases, so I’ve done a lot of it in Islington. It’s a good way to stay out of the house. And while you get used to it eventually, in the beginning I felt like a fucking idiot every time I got patted on the head and told I was a good boy.”
You buried your face in his shoulder, shaking with laughter at the mental image, and he joined you.
“Now I think on it, I should’ve been flattered. I don’t get that kind of affirmation at home.”
You laughed harder as he rounded the final set of stands and headed back towards the castle.
“You’ll have to come round during holidays, we’ll do a turn around the borough,” he said as he pulled even with your open window. “Black dog and black swan, out on the town.”
“And we won’t lack for snacks, seeing as people will be tossing bread at me whilst they’re patting you,” you added, prompting another fit of laughter.
“What in God’s name are the two of you doing out there?!” Lily’s “past the point of fed up” voice demanded.
“Ah, Gryffindor’s resident killjoy awaits,” Sirius said in his “purposefully too loud” voice, digging about in his robes. “Don’t reckon I envy you going back in there.”
“It was worth it,” you said, leaning forwards to give him a peck on the back of his jaw. You decided to tell yourself you’d imagined it when you felt a shiver go through his body.
He cleared his throat as he turned to hand you another Whizzbee, then held onto your wrist again as you manoeuvred yourself onto the sill. As you dropped the Whizzbee, he pressed a quick peck of his own to your hand.
“Don’t get too close to the edge!” he called as he turned the broom towards the greenhouses.
“Bit late for that,” you sighed as you watched him disappear into the darkness.
I had intended to keep banging away at this part, but then I checked the word count and oh my giddy aunt… somewhere in the neighbourhood of 9,000?! lol So I found us a pausing point.
My loves, thank you so much for your reading, your sweet comments, and your general brilliance as human beings. Let me know what you think and whose team you’re on! lol
You tilted your head towards the space between your curtains and the bedpost closest to the window, taking in a slow, deep breath of cleansing air. Lily had opened the window before she, Marlene and Emmeline left the room, knowing the rain would soothe you.
They hadn’t tried to speak to you, and you were grateful for that. You weren’t in the mood to chatter cheerfully about your date with Remus, and it wouldn’t have been fair to do anything less. You really did have a nice time. You also weren’t in the mood to explain the shouting match with Sirius. And you already knew what Lily would say: Sirius’s behaviour wouldn’t have wounded you so deeply if you didn’t still have feelings for him.
The low rumble of rolling thunder gave you something else to focus on, and you closed your eyes, shivering a bit and pulling your blanket over your bare legs as a particularly cool blast of air wafted through. You’d kicked your jeans off hours ago but hadn’t bothered getting all the way into bed.
The door to the dorm opened and closed. Someone must have forgotten something. You waited quietly for the sound of them letting themselves back out, but after a few minutes of silence, you wondered if you were just hearing things. Though it didn’t feel like you were alone in the room…
“Hello?”
“Does Evans really sleep with this old stuffed bunny? Because that’s almost impossibly cute.”
“James! What the hell are you doing in here?”
“Came to talk to you, of course. Dear Godric… did you know every quill in this drawer is placed at the exact same angle? Probably had a protractor out and all just to make sure–”
“I’m sorry, did you say you came to talk to me or to completely invade Lily’s privacy?”
You heard Lily’s drawer close.
“You can’t blame a bloke for having a peek, can you? Now. Are you coming out or am I coming in?”
“You’re coming in. If the girls find you in here, they’ll go absolutely spare. Toss me my pyjama bottoms first, will you? They’re on the chair.”
You shook your head and smiled as your pyjamas came marching through the gap in your curtains, turning and standing at attention in front of you. You were glad James was here.
After slipping them on, you lifted the curtain and he dove onto your bed.
“Bloody hell, remember when all five of us could fit on here?” he asked as the two of you settled back against your pillows, James’s feet touching the end of the bed. When Sirius had first sussed out the girls’ stairs, the lads got a kick out of sleeping in your room from time to time, just because they could. You’d gotten quite adept quite quickly at silencing charms in your panic to ensure the girls wouldn’t hear the five of you giggling and playing Exploding Snap until dozing off in a huddle.
You nodded. “Wish I could go back to that place.”
James kissed your temple. “I know, love. So do I sometimes. We woke, we ate, we pranked, we ate and pranked some more, and in between, you and Moony did our homework.”
You snorted but felt a real pang at the thought of simpler times, the laughter of five happy kids playing hide-and-seek in the greenhouses long after they should’ve been in bed echoing through your memory. It’s not that you were against change. You just wished it would slow down a little and uncomplicate itself a lot.
“But here we all are, older, wiser, insanely more attractive,” James continued, “and I can’t beat around the belladonna with you anymore, darling: Are you in love with Sirius?”
You felt like you should’ve been taken aback by the directness of his question, but suddenly, you just didn’t see the point in being shocked or embarrassed or nervous anymore. Perhaps you’d grown up a bit further still in the last few seconds, head on your brother’s shoulder as you both listened to the rain. If you had to grow up, there were worse ways to do it.
“I was. I’m trying not to be now, considering he’s made it clear he’s not interested.”
“Has he, though?”
“I can only believe what he tells me, James. If I tried to guess what else was going on in his head, I’d go mad. I can’t read him like you can.”
James smiled. “You sell yourself short. But you’re right about one thing: We can’t have you going mad along with him. One stark-raving lunatic is quite enough. So what can I do to make this easier on you?”
A few moments of silence hung in the air before you interrupted with a quiet sigh, rolling onto your side and hugging James’s arm.
“Does she make him happy? This girl?”
“I really couldn’t say. He’s been out with her several times now, but he still won’t talk about her.”
“I feel like I’ve failed him. I saw how miserable he looked at King’s Cross, and I swore I was going to be there for him. Instead, I feel like I’m making things worse somehow. So I hope that, whoever she is, she’s doing what I can’t anymore.”
“Don’t say that. You know how much you mean to Sirius, Y/N. The worse things get for him at home, the harder he fights us, but that’s just Sirius and his pride. We’re always going to need each other. If in the distant future Evans ever figures out I’m a lot fucking cuddlier than that old rabbit over there, she’s just going to have to understand that there will be times I’ll want to go find my sister and climb into bed for a chat. And your future husband will have to understand too because I’ll need him to bunch over.”
You laughed at the mental image, knowing James wasn’t even partially joking.
“The point is, don’t give up on Sirius just because he’s being a temperamental git right now. No one, most especially not some girl he just met, knows him like us. When the time comes that he admits he needs help out of the pit, we’ll be the line and you’ll be the light. Just like always.”
James’s words actually made you feel a bit better. Made it feel less like you were losing Sirius.
“As for Moony…”
You released James’s arm and fell onto your back, hands over your face.
“Oh, no. I’ve been in here moping half the day, what if he thinks I was avoiding him?”
“Weren’t you?” James laughed.
“No! But sort of… I was avoiding my feelings, yeah, but not him.”
“Personally, I can’t blame you – I’d avoid any bugger who alluded to a good snogging and then reneged,” James said, yelping as you pinched his side.
“Have you answered that question you had last night yet?” he asked, clamping his hand over yours to prevent further injury.
“I’ve been thinking about it all day, and–”
“And there’s your problem. You and Remus are thinkers. Overthinkers, if you ask me. Stop thinking for once in your life and just let your feelings take over. See what feels natural in the moment. And then bloody well do that.”
“Bless your straightforward soul, James Potter,” you breathed. You suddenly had an idea that would keep Remus from taking your Sunday in bed as a sign that you hadn’t enjoyed your Saturday.
“Somebodyhas to stay drama-free around here,” James said dramatically.
“Yes, well done you, now get up and let’s get out of here before Lily sees you.”
“Evans knows I’m in here,” James said with a grin as he rolled off your bed. “I told her I wanted to talk to you first.”
You raised a brow at him. “Lily Evans found out that you know how to take the enchantment off the girls’ stairs and you lived to tell about it?”
“I did indeed,” he answered proudly. “I mean, I ran up the stairs first before she could get her wand out. But then I confidently turned round and without a hint of fear told her that it was all Padfoot’s fault.”
“Well, hopefully he steers clear of her for the rest of the day then,” you said, removing a Dairy Milk bar from your trunk – the last of your stash of muggle chocolate from the summer – and heading for the door.
“I’m sure he will. Especially after they’ve had their talk. Also my idea.”
That stopped you in your tracks.
“You sent Lily to talk to Sirius? James, she despises him. Have you heard the things she calls him? She’ll have him for lunch.”
“With a side of chips, I hope. And if we’re lucky, he’ll be better for it on the other side.”
Lily paused at the door to the Marauders’ room, gulping down a few deep breaths. She’d lied to Potter. She wasfrightened.
The Sirius Black she’d encountered when she first arrived at Hogwarts was nothing but a conceited brat. The perfect partner in crime for Potter. They constantly disrupted classes, cost Gryffindor points, and when they also decided to make Severus a primary target of some of their meaner-spirited pranks, she’d written them off completely. She had no use for bullies.
But over the years, she’d made enough peace with them to be on semi-civil speaking terms when she had to be – more for your benefit than hers or theirs. She’d reasoned that if you (a genuinely good person, despite your own disrespect for the rules) saw something redeeming in them, she would be a good friend and look the other way when the five of you got up to your nonsense. She’d made clear to you, though, that she reserved the right to treat Potter however she saw fit when he began putting on that he fancied her. She knew the arse was mocking her. She just couldn’t work out why he hadn’t tired of it yet.
Lily had also given Potter, Black and Pettigrew credit where credit was due when she’d worked out that Remus was a werewolf in fourth year. They’d not only kept their friend’s secret, they’d taken pains to try to make things easier for him – pains even greater than she’d originally thought, now she knew about the animagi endeavour.
But whereas Potter and Black were still the obnoxious berks they’d always been, Black had grown to be dangerous as well, as she’d tried to tell you on multiple occasions. He was reckless and quick-tempered – a terrible combination – and when he flew off the handle, as he seemed to do more and more these days, the repercussions were increasingly dire.
She’d learned things about his family, both from you and her own research into wizarding world history, and while she gathered (especially from his sorting into Gryffindor) that he made an effort to be the exception to every House of Black rule, his behaviour often made her wonder whether or not he could escape the history of insanity, even if he wanted to.
She glanced longingly at the door to the stairs, wishing she could back out, but there was no way she was giving Potter the satisfaction. With one final deep breath, she quietly turned the doorknob.
The room was darker than Lily expected, what with the storm clouds and the fact that neither the stove nor any of the lamps were lit. She closed the door and leaned against it, waiting for her eyes to adjust.
Wrinkling her nose at the smell of boy, she watched as the beds to her left and right slowly sharpened into focus. The latter was in complete disarray. There were more blankets, sheets and pillows on the floor than on the bed. Books, parchments and sweet wrappers were scattered across every surface, and a Gryffindor robe hung half in, half out of its owner’s trunk. She peered at a photograph on the table. An incredibly unpleasant-looking man and woman stood on either side of a young boy, who started to smile for the picture before a look of fear melted over his face instead as the man dug his fingers into the boy’s shoulder. Lily of course recognised Pettigrew but recognised his parents as well – she’d seen them in the Prophet over the summer, photographed leaving the Ministry after questioning for suspected Death Eater activity. She shuddered and turned her attention to the space on her left.
Neat as a pin, and Lily smiled softly. Remus. He was the only Marauder she counted as a friend, and she’d been devastated when she discovered his condition. For someone so gentle and calm to have to suffer such brutality and chaos month after month simply wasn’t fair. Everything was in its place on and around Remus’s bed, and she moved a bit closer to get a look at the photos atop his chest of drawers. In one, a very small Remus ran cheerfully along the bank of a river, a smiling man and woman following behind him, hand in hand. In another, the same woman sat on the bonnet of a car, a stylish scarf around her head and her pretty face frozen mid-laugh. A muggle photo. Lily felt a wave of sympathy for the woman, imagining what it must have been like to discover the wonders of the wizarding world, only to have her son permanently scarred by it.
Lily moved further into the room, convinced now that it was empty. Both Black’s and Potter’s beds were a rumpled mess, which wasn’t a surprise. She was surprised, however, to see a book on Black’s bedside table; she hadn’t figured him for a casual reader. Or a reader at all, frankly… he seemed to do nothing in the way of revising or even paying attention during lessons but still had high marks in all their classes. Yet another thing about him that annoyed her. She also noticed that he was the only Marauder without personal photos on display. Instead, what looked like two pages torn from a magazine and enlarged were tacked to the wall beside his bed, one featuring a silver-and-black motorbike, the other a grey sports car, its chrome gleaming.
She’d known Potter’s domain as soon as she saw it, tipped off by the Quidditch paraphernalia literally coating the wall. Gryffindor banners and jerseys mingled with Puddlemere United posters and programmes. Mixed in were bits of parchment on which he’d scrawled out strategies, jotted down notes, and formulated training regimens. Not fully conscious of the fact she was doing it, Lily sat down on the edge of the boy’s bed to get a better look. Quidditch was ridiculous, of course… senseless violence masquerading as sport. But she had to concede – grudgingly – that his apparent work ethic was impressive. She just wished he’d apply it to something constructive.
Lily picked up the framed photo on Potter’s table. A what looked to be 6- or 7-year-old James pulled a face at her before adopting the mischievous grin with which she was familiar. Behind him, his parents – quite a bit older than hers – shook their heads fondly at his antics before giving one another a loving glance and smiling for the photographer. They looked to be thoroughly pleasant people, warmth in their eyes and smiles, and Lily herself smiled absently at the sight of the clearly happy family. Potter was so cocky; she’d always just assumed he inherited his arrogance. Perhaps he was just a bit overindulged by two people who’d waited longer than most for a child. And perhaps the rest was false bravado.
She placed the photo back on the table and had the sudden urge to see what was in the drawer. No one could blame a girl for having a peek, right?
“Is it common practice for prefects to snoop through everyone’s belongings when they’re not around? Because I’ll want to hide a few things better in future…”
Lily slammed Potter’s drawer shut and leapt to her feet, clamping a hand over her mouth to muffle a small scream. Black’s head now rose slightly above the pile of blankets and pillows that had previously concealed it.
“You scared the life out of me, you arsehole.”
“Not to split hairs here, Evans, but I’m not the one breaking and entering.”
“That’s not what I’m doing. Nor am I snooping through everyone’s belongings.”
“So just snooping through James’s specifically then. Noted.”
Lily clenched her fists, debating whether or not to just leave. How in the hell was she supposed to have a meaningful conversation with this antagonistic prat? Then she thought about you. If there was a chance this could help, she had to try.
“I’m actually here to speak with you,” she said, edging closer to Black’s bed and attempting to adopt a polite tone. It came out rather stiff instead, but it was going to be the best she could do. “I was hoping we could discuss a few things.”
Black’s head dropped back onto his bed and out of sight.
“Not up for it, sorry.”
“Ireally need to have a word with you about–”
“Look, Evans, I had a rough night. So whatever school rules or Gryffindor codes of conduct or girls you’ve heard I violated, could you just make a list, send me an owl, and I’ll atone for it later?”
Lily jumped as a loud tapping sounded at the window near Black’s bed.
“That was quick,” he mused.
The tapping increased in volume and insistence until it seemed as if a full-grown man were outside beating on the window.
“MyGod, are you sure that’s an owl?” Lily asked nervously.
“That’ll be Nobilis,” Black said. His voice was hollow and weary. “He’ll break it eventually, you might want to step back.”
Lily made the snap decision that she didn’t really want to see that happen, steeling herself as she stepped towards the window.
“The bird bites,” Black warned.
Lily lifted the latch and pushed the window open before scurrying out of pecking range. The largest eagle-owl she’d ever seen proceeded to step onto the sill like a king onto his dais. Shaking the rain from his feathers indignantly, Nobilis ascended to the top of Black’s table with one flap of his wings before dropping a red envelope onto its surface with an air of disdain. He dropped back onto the sill, fixing his piercing eyes on Lily, who previously would not have thought it possible to feel judged by an owl. She took another tentative step backwards.
“Piss off, you buzzard,” Black muttered, and a jet of sparks shot from his bed, connecting with Nobilis’s tail. The owl let out a furious screech but mercifully ducked out the window, and Lily rushed to latch it before Nobilis could change his mind. She turned slowly, eyeing the Howler on the table.
“Last chance to leave.”
“I really do need to speak with you,” Lily said, her voice barely above a whisper. A chill was creeping up her spine the longer she looked at the Howler. It was as if the thing were somehow radiating menace, but she was determined to accomplish what she came here for.
“Suit yourself.”
Black slowly pushed himself into a sitting position, back against the wall behind his bed. He was shirtless, and Lily quickly directed her attention to her shoes. She glanced back up, however, when he raised his arm and watched as he flicked a finger at the Howler, which sailed into the air above the stove in the centre of the room. With a wave of his hand, Black broke the seal on the envelope, and Lily stumbled backwards into his chest of drawers as a shrill voice rose from the Howler’s mouth. It was possibly the most hateful sound she’d ever heard.
“For the second time this term, I have been forced to lay hands on a letter from that half-blood, muggle-loving filth Minerva McGonagall,” the woman’s voice spat. “I would have assumed that I made plain over the summer that you are not to give Albus Dumbledore’s menagerie of dross reason to address me as if you are any sort of reflection upon my ability to rear children. I recommend you adjust your behaviour accordingly. If I have to speak again on this matter, you will regret that you did not listen the first time.”
Lily was stunned by the level of contempt in the woman’s voice. This was someone’s mother? She looked over at Black. His face was entirely expressionless as he watched the Howler.
“You should also know that your father and I have been made aware that you have taken up with a girl. Hear me, Sirius: It may not have been within our power to reverse the shame of your placement outside Slytherin House, but if we discover this girl to be of questionable stock, or worse, a mudbl–”
Black’s arm flew up so fast it was nothing but a blur in Lily’s peripheral vision. He had his wand in hand this time and thrust it forward violently; it looked as if he were trying to run the Howler through with a broadsword. Instead, the Howler exploded, sending hundreds of tiny bits of charred parchment and envelope fluttering through the air. With another halfhearted wave of his wand, the pieces were swept into a vortex before swirling through the open door of the stove. It slammed shut behind them, and suddenly, the room was silent except for the pleasant crackling of a fire that completely belied the horrible thing that kindled it.
“Well,” Black said flatly. “Isn’t this cosy.”
Lily hadn’t noticed until then that her hands were covering her mouth. As she lowered them, she realised they were shaking. Aside from being in shock, she felt extremely uncomfortable. What little she knew of Black she didn’t like, but now here she was, standing feet from the boy’s bed after having witnessed a very personal – not to mention terrifying – moment. Lily wasn’t accustomed to not knowing what to do, but even though it felt as if she had a brick lodged in her throat, she forced herself to say something.
“Black, I’m… I’m so sor–”
“Don’t be.”
His tone was clipped, and Lily wished she could just disappear from the room.
“I… erm… I apologise for… everything, for being here, for disturbing you, but if I could just talk to you for a moment, I promise I’ll make it fast and be on my way.”
Black scooted himself from the shadows into the light now afforded by the stove, and Lily did an abrupt half-spin, her cheeks reddening. She’d forgotten about the shirtless bit.
“I understand I’m the one intruding , but could you possibly put on a shirt?”
“Sure, but just so you know, there’s nothing on the other half either,” he said, grabbing his blankets as if to move them aside.
“Black, don’t you dare!” Lily shrieked, and the boy smirked.
“I’m joking, Evans, but I am down to my smalls. So in the interest of sparing you that trauma, you can toss me a shirt. They’re in the second drawer.”
Lily plucked a T-shirt out of the drawer and flung it his way.
“Bad Company. Nice choice. While you’re up, get me a quill and some parchment out of my trunk?”
She let out an annoyed huff as her usual irritation with him began overriding sympathy. Lily opened the trunk as Black shoved his arms through the sleeves of the shirt. She started to grab some parchment that was wedged into a flap on the inside of the lid but decided it was too thick a piece, all folded up like a map. As she pushed it back in place, a photo that must have been stuck to the lid behind it dropped onto the pile of stuff in the trunk. She picked it up to replace it, then froze. It was a photo of you.
You were standing in the Great Hall, wearing the clothes you’d had on yesterday for your date with Remus. Black must have taken it before you all gathered for the group shot. You gave him a bemused look once you noticed he’d taken the photo, but before that, it seemed like you’d already been watching him. And if Lily had to label your expression, “longing” would do it.
She quickly slid the photo back behind the large piece of parchment and snatched up a smaller sheet and a quill, closing the trunk and dropping the items onto the foot of Black’s bed. He paused with the shirt hanging from his shoulders and leaned forward, quickly scrawling something onto the parchment.
“In exchange for my silence regarding your keen interest in James’s personal space, kindly give him this when you leave and ask him to post it to my Uncle Alphard.”
“Blackmail? Really?”
“That’d be a pretty good pun if I thought you had a sense of humour.”
Lily rolled her eyes but bit her tongue as she yanked the parchment out of his hand. He began pulling his shirt over his head, and she decided the fact that he was being a complete wanker entitled her to read the note. Besides, he could’ve folded it if he really wanted to keep it private.
Is there any chance at all that Dad’s impotent and Reg and I are adopted?
She snorted in spite of herself, and Black winked at her as he pulled his hair through his shirt collar.
“A man can hope, Evans. So. Now that we’re all fit for company, what is it you need to discuss?”
Lily opened her mouth, then closed it as her mind went blank. It felt like hours ago that she’d walked through the door intending to give Black a good, stern talking to. But after hearing his mother in action, “stern” sounded like a day at the beach. An unhappy home life was still no excuse for him to mistreat you, but it dawned on her that while she’d definitely heard the two of you shouting at each other last night, she had no idea what had been shouted. Would you even want her chastising him on your behalf? Before she could work out how to begin, Black spoke.
“Guess who I always go to after I’ve gotten one of those things?” he asked, staring into the flames flickering in the stove. “Her.”
With that one word, the smugness and defiance were gone from his face. He looked like a lost child.
“I know you’re here about what happened last night. I’ve no excuses; I acted like a fucking idiot. But I’m a big boy, and I’ll make my own apologies later. If she’ll see me.”
He glanced up at Lily, his eyes turning that last into a question. He really did have lovely eyes.
“I’m sure she’ll see you,” she said quietly. She knew now what she needed to say to the boy. Because considering where things seemed to be heading with Severus, she needed to hear it herself.
“Sometimes friends are just passing through. We change, they change, circumstances change… whatever it is, we wake up one day and can’t find a reason to hold on anymore. And when that happens, the best thing we can do is just let go.”
Black’s eyes dropped, and Lily quickly continued.
“But sometimes we’re lucky enough to meet people we can feel in our bones are going to be with us forever. No matter what. They love us for who we are, and even when – maybe especially when – we feel like we don’t deserve it, they just love us more. The five of you have that. I’ve always sort of envied it, if I’m honest.”
He looked slightly hopeful but nowhere near heartened.
“Well, I can’t speak for the others, but friends mean very nearly everything when you’ve never had any. So I hope you’re right, Evans. Not that I deserve any more second chances.”
Lily’s chest tightened at that. It felt surreal hearing Black say something so personal; it felt even more surreal knowing that he was being sincere. There was always such a disingenuous air about him, like he was forever putting on a play. She couldn’t shake the sense that she’d dealt with two different people today: the Black she was accustomed to, always having a laugh at everyone else’s expense, and then this one, clinging to the family he’d chosen as he suffered at the hands of the one into which he was born.
“Of course you do,” she said, thinking that she might just give Sev another second chance as well. “Everyone does.”
“Everyoneworthsomething.”
“Now, you listen to me,” Lily said matter-of-factly. She’d finally found something to lecture him about. “You and I may have our differences, but you are not worthless. You’re worth quite a lot, in fact, to Y/N and you’d do well to think about that the next time you feel the urge to wake up the whole castle with your temper tantrums. God only knows what all the girls would do with themselves if you weren’t around to wink your stupid pretty eyes at them, you’ve helped Gryffindor win the Quidditch Cup for the past three years straight, and you have great taste in music. I’ll have you know that I am quite fond of Bad Company. You’ve gone above and beyond for Remus, you help Pettigrew in Potions – and if you didn’t, we’d probably all have been blown sky high by now – you’re nice to the firsties when you think no one’s looking, and from what I saw today, your skill levels are off the charts. You’re not even 16 and already using wandless magic. Howlers are supposed to be impossible to destroy before they’ve finished the job, but tell that to the one in the stove. You’re some sort of flipping magical prodigy, and believe me when I say that I find that infuriating, but there it is. So just… deal with all of that!”
The last bit came out as an agitated squeal, Lily having worked herself into a right state by that point. Breathing heavily, arms rigid at her sides, she silently dared Black to keep being morose. The chances of it seemed slim, considering the way he was gaping at her. After a few moments, he slowly closed his mouth, swallowing gingerly and blinking as if trying to convince himself he wasn’t hallucinating.
“I, erm…” he started finally. “I doubt you have to worry about me threatening your status as Star of the Slug Club.”
Lily sighed. Of course he wouldn’t know how to take a compliment.
“Speaking of, he asked me to try to get you to join again,” she said.
“I’d rather milk a murtlap.”
Lily couldn’t stop the laugh that bubbled out of her throat, and she was stunned to see Black smile. Genuinely smile. This was truly one of the oddest days of her life thus far, and as a muggleborn witch, that was saying something.
“I’ll just… get out of your way now. I’ve taken up enough of your Sunday,” she said, moving for the door.
“Evans?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks.”
“You’re welcome, Black.”
“Oh, and Evans?”
“Yes?”
“I have honestly never heard anyone say they were ‘quite fond’ of Bad Company. Quite fond of… I dunno, Steely Dan, maybe, but Bad Company…”
“Shut it, Black,” Lily called, slamming the door behind her.
You and James had just stepped off the stairs into the common room when you heard a door close to your right. Turning, you saw Lily. She looked a bit shell-shocked and was holding a piece of parchment.
“You prepared a speech?” James asked.
“I wish,” Lily exhaled. Descending the stairs, she handed the parchment to James.
“He wants you to post this to… damn. Alfred?”
“Ah, yes. At the Batcave,” James quipped. Lily shot him a look that made clear to you she’d had enough Marauder humour for one day, and you lightly elbowed James.
“Alphard. His mother’s brother. Shockingly sane,” you explained as you joined James in reading the note.
“Shit, did something happen while you were in there?” James asked, looking at Lily with real concern.
She nodded. “He got a Howler…”
“Walburga?” You instinctively reached out and took Lily’s hand. Merlin knows what she’d heard.
“Walburga?” Lily grimaced. “Lovely name for a lovely woman.”
She squeezed your hand. “Anyway… he seems really sorry.”
“It’s fine, Lily. Already forgotten.” You tried your best to sound nonchalant. You were going to have to perfect that if you wanted to get over Sirius. Judging from Lily’s face, you needed more practise, but she let you off the hook.
“I have a Charms essay that needs doing before dinner,” she said, giving you a quick hug and heading for the stairs.
“Hey, where’s mine?” James called after her.
“You can hug Y/N all you like. She seems to be immune to tossers.”
“Don’t you at least want me to escort you to your room?”
“Potter, she’s out of bed and speaking, so I appreciate whatever you did, but if I see you, Black, Lupin or Pettigrew set so much as a toe on these stairs again, you may as well say goodbye to that toe.”
Lily shut the door with emphasis, and James turned to you with a grin.
“She appreciates whatever I did.”
His smile faltered, however, as he folded Sirius’s note.
“He’s usually looking for you after one of those…”
You knew James was hoping you’d go up to the boys’ room, but you just couldn’t. Sirius had a girlfriend now. Granted, none of you even knew what House she was in, but considering he was spending all his free time with her, she should be the one to comfort him. You were never going to give up on Sirius as a friend, but for the sake of your own emotional well-being, you were going to have to stop thinking of yourself as the most important girl in his life.
“James, I promise I’ll talk to him later if he still wants to. But for now, let me post the note and I’ll see you lot at dinner, yeah?”
You took the parchment without looking at James so you wouldn’t see the disappointment on his face.
Fresh air was exactly what you needed right now, and you were grateful the wet weather had the opposite effect on everyone else. You didn’t encounter anyone as you took your time climbing up to the owlery to hand the note off to Sirius’s black owl, Ozzy. You stood at the top of the stairs, letting the earthy breeze ruffle your hair and watching the bird until he disappeared into the grey mist of low-hanging clouds.
Making your way back to Gryffindor Tower, you stopped at an alcove near the common room entrance, tapping a small stone on the inner edge with your wand. Remus had been so nervous he rarely even spoke during your early days at Hogwarts. Not knowing the real reason, you’d just assumed him to be painfully shy, so you devised a method of communication that spared him being put on the spot. You found a few hiding spots around the castle, and from then on, the two of you would use them as a means of exchanging notes and treats. Remus’s personality finally had a chance to shine through in writing, and you’d been best friends ever since. You’d never stopped utilising the hiding spots, though. Remus was every bit as nostalgic as you were.
The loose stone floated out of place, revealing a space behind it. To your surprise, it wasn’t empty. You removed a folded slip of parchment and a small packet of custard creams. Smiling, you opened the biscuits and popped one into your mouth as you unfolded the parchment.
How very kind of you to be about to say, Y/N – I had a lovely time as well! And thank you in advance for the chocolate!
P.S. – You don’t need to apologise for having a lie-in. I (and the rest of Scotland) heard. You know I’m here for you if you want to talk about it.
He was entirely too clever for his own good. A familiar surge of affection for the boy washed through you, warming you in spite of the drafty corridor and your wet clothes. Tucking his note and the remaining biscuits into your robe, you removed the spare bit of parchment you’d brought and the chocolate bar.
Well, I guess we know who’ll be getting an O on his Divination O.W.L.! Enjoy my last Dairy Milk, you cheeky bugger.
P.S. – We don’t have to talk about it. Everything will run its course eventually.
Placing the items into the empty space, you tapped the hovering stone, which replaced itself as you continued along the corridor.
“Ah,there is a smile more befitting a young lady,” the Fat Lady chirped. You hadn’t realised you were still smiling.
“Yes, well, your approval means everything to me. Ulotrichous.”
“Allow me also to commend you on your choice,” she said, ignoring the password.
“Of?”
“The Lupin boy, of course. Such a respectful lad. He’ll make a much finer husband.”
“Husband?! Bloody hell, I’ve been on one date with him–”
“Mydear, but you’re nearly 16! In one or two years, you’ll be past your prime, and then–”
“Would you please visit a painting near a calendar and check the century? Ulotrichous.”
“–what will you do?” the Fat Lady continued, unfazed. “I understand the surface appeal of the young Black heir, after all, financial security is a must, well of course it is, and pedigree of decided import, but the Black family tree is a bit lacking in distinct branches, not to be indelicate but there it is, and I’ve found the portrait of Phineas Nigellus Black to be abominably rude besides, and the Lupin boy is quite intelligent, isn’t he, I’m sure he’ll have many fine prospects post-Hogwarts…”
Gideon and Fabian Prewett came jogging up the stairs, freezing mid-step as they took in the scene of you lying flat on your back in front of the portrait, lightly bouncing your head off the stone floor and repeating the password like a mantra as the Fat Lady incessantly blathered over you.
Grinning, the twins took an arm each, pulling you upright.
“Can’t catch a break today, can you, love?” Fabian asked as Gideon snapped loudly at the Fat Lady.
“Oi!! You heard the girl, you great gasbag! Ulotrichous!”
“Well, I never!” she sputtered, swinging aside.
Gideon bowed, his arms swung towards the portrait hole, ushering you in.
“My heroes,” you breathed, crawling through. Fabian was right: This truly was the day from hell.
“Always at your service,” he said, hopping into the common room behind you.
“Speaking of,” Gideon chimed in, “if you’d like us to have a word with Black for you, it’d be our pleasure. Pretty sure the git put itching powder in our Quidditch gear.”
“Tempting, but it’ll sort itself,” you said, taking the opportunity to work on your nonchalant smile again. You got the sense that you were going to have several more opportunities before the week was out; it seemed as if everyone in the House really had heard the row.
“Fair enough, but we’ll be keeping an eye on Lupin from now on as well,” Fabian called as the two headed for the boys’ stairs. “We don’t just protect our seeker on the pitch!”
“I feel better already!” you laughed, and you meant it. It was nice to know that the friendships you’d formed over the years were strong. You told yourself that James was right, that your bond with Sirius wasn’t going to weaken. You just wished your inner voice sounded more confident.
You opened the door to your room to find Lily on her bed, hard at work on her essay, notes and books surrounding her. Marlene was painting her toenails, and Emmeline was engaged in the assigned DADA reading. It suddenly occurred to you that you’d done none of your homework. Guess you were in for yet another late night.
“When did Black figure out how to break the enchantment on the stairs?” Lily asked without looking up.
You laughed. “Have you been sat in here all this time just waiting to ask me that?”
“Black was in here?” Marlene gasped, her eyes wide. “Why didn’t you tell me? I’d have worn something sexier to bed…”
“Question answered.”
“Ohhhh, he was here with yoouu,” she said slyly, shooting you an exaggerated wink.
“Yeeesss, he was here with meee… and Potter and Lupin and Pettigrew. And we were 11.”
“Firstyear?!” Lily exclaimed, slamming her Charms book shut.
“More like… first week,” you said, trying not to smile as her face turned as red as her hair.
“It’s a waste,” she muttered, fiercely shoving her books and parchments into her rucksack. “That’s what it is. Talent just dripping out of his ridiculously flawless pores, but does he use it for good? Of course he doesn’t. He uses it for sneaking into girls’ dormitories. And disguising dungbombs as grapefruit and leaving them on the Slytherin table. And making the mistletoe chase everyone through the castle last Christmas playing 'Let’s Get It On’.”
You choked on a laugh. “You have to admit, that was classic.”
Lily turned her glare on you, and you quickly ran over to Marlene and Emmeline, grabbing their arms and hauling them off their beds.
“Dinnertime! Who’s ready for dinner, step lively, off we go!”
Remus strolled along the sixth-floor corridor, pausing briefly to break another square off the Dairy Milk bar. He placed it on his tongue, letting the creamy chocolate melt a bit.
He’d been walking around the castle for the better part of the day, which was fine. Part of the time had been spent on his appointed prefect rounds – and had subsequently saved Prongs and Wormtail from detention after he ran across them charming Binns’ chalk to write random swear words on the blackboard. At least History of Magic would be entertaining tomorrow.
He could’ve done with more sleep, especially after he woke with a fairly thumping hangover. But when it became clear to him and Pete that Sirius wasn’t going to emerge from behind his curtains and explain what had gone on last night, they’d opted to head down to breakfast, passing a snoring James in the common room, as was becoming the norm. Remus hadn’t been surprised when he didn’t see you at breakfast either.
But it wasn’t as if he didn’t need the time alone to think, and he’d done plenty of it.
A part of him wondered if he should’ve told Sirius off for shouting at you last night. The five of you bickering amongst yourselves wasn’t uncommon, but a full-scale row was. Then again, you were more than capable of handling Sirius – perhaps the most capable… even James had to wash his hands of Padfoot from time to time – and Remus didn’t want you to think he was trying to fight your battles for you. The note he’d found with the chocolate bar seemed to indicate he’d made the right decision there.
He also wondered if he should’ve been the one to go up and see about you today when you didn’t come down. He was your best friend, after all, and last night’s date didn’t change that. But considering how he’d ended the date, waltzing into your room might have seemed a bit forward. He was relieved when he encountered Lily a bit ago and learned that James had spoken with you. Even if she did throw in a few choice threats about taking the enchantment off the stairs.
How he’d ended the date. The thought rebounded on Remus and made his stomach flip, just as it had been doing all day.
What the hell had gotten into him? Other than enough butterbeer to float a bloody barge. His initial reaction when he’d woken this morning was shame – he’d moved way too fast. But it wasn’t as if he’d been on a date with a stranger. And ultimately, he kept coming back to how completely and utterly free he’d felt in that moment… none of his usual nervousness and doubt, just him and the one person with whom he’d always felt most comfortable, and when you’d said what you said, it was as if a switch had been thrown – his mind shut down and his emotions took over.
It was exhilarating, but there was just one little problem. Alright, perhaps one very large problem: He didn’t think he could replicate it. He tried to imagine being that bold again for perhaps the hundredth time today – tried to imagine striding up to you, pulling you into the nearest broom closet, and snogging you senseless. His knees buckled, and he flailed out for the nearest thing he could grab onto to stop himself hitting the floor: a suit of armour, which clanged loudly, startling a passing ghost.
Remus blushed and gave the ghost a small wave, breaking off another square of chocolate as he spun round and headed back the way he came. That brand of bold was best left to the Siriuses of the world. Still, he really did feel more confident today than he had the day before. The two of you had had a brilliant time in Hogsmeade, and he felt closer to you for it, which was honestly more important to him than anything else. And as for the end… well, you hadn’t exactly seemed opposed to the idea of him kissing you.
A slight grin crossed his face at that thought, and he checked his watch. Finally time for dinner. Now there was just the matter of smoothing everyone’s ruffled feathers, and Remus had an idea that might do the trick.
Sirius slowly opened his eyes, intending to push the curtains aside and check the time. Instead, he found himself nose to snout with a large deer, its antlers branching above him like a prickly chandelier.
“FUCK!” he yelped, launching himself backwards and going arse over tit off the edge of the bed.
The stag made a series of grunting noises that sounded suspiciously like laughter as Sirius dragged himself from the floor, rubbing his neck. James’s voice suddenly replaced the grunts as the curtain flapped about wildly.
“Shit, Pads, I’m hung…”
“I’ve seen you in the shower, I wouldn’t go thatfar.”
“Myantlers, you twat.”
Sirius walked around the end of his bed, barking out a laugh at the sight of James shaking his head violently, antlers still attached, as he attempted to free himself from the eyelets at the top of the curtains.
“Serves you right, you literal hatstand.”
“Tosh. You had that coming and you know it. Now get me loose.”
Sirius smirked, lifting the lid of his trunk and grabbing the camera instead.
“Give us a smile,” he said as James flicked the V. Sirius snapped the photo and tossed the camera back into his trunk, waving his hand at the curtains as he made his way to his chest of drawers. The curtains extricated themselves from James’s antlers, and Sirius slid on a pair of jeans as he watched his friend squint in concentration. The antlers shrunk down slowly to hilarious little stumps before finally disappearing altogether.
“You alright, mate?” James asked cautiously, straightening his jostled glasses. “I heard Evans was introduced to Walburga…”
“Figured you sent her up,” Sirius said, dodging the topic of the Howler. Prongs’s stiff-upper-lip attitude was endearing, but pep talks had stopped working on Sirius long ago.
What he wanted after an encounter with his family was to acknowledge the darkness he felt, not deny it. He wished that he could go back to the days when he simply pretended his family didn’t exist when not in the presence of direct evidence to the contrary. Out of sight, out of mind. But while his friends knew about his parents’ blood-purist extremism, they didn’t know the whole story. They knew his parents often punished him when he was at home; they didn’t know the specific methods, which were growing increasingly abusive with each passing year. They knew his parents’ social circle shared their supremacist ideals; they didn’t know that circle was expanding to include suspected Death Eaters. “Suspected” was a laughable word at this point, he thought bitterly. He’d yet to hear of anyone “suspected” of being a Death Eater who’d not turned out to be one.
To try to ignore what was happening at 12 Grimmauld Place, to try to shrug it all off and go on his merry way, was to be unprepared. He had to stay on his guard. And so he wanted to feel the darkness because the darkness was what reminded him how very precious the light was. How worth protecting.
Your face flashed through his mind, along with a simultaneous pain through his chest. It was his own fault he wasn’t getting to turn to you today. You understood what he wanted in those moments: Not to be encouraged to let it go, not to be told that everything would be okay – just to be allowed to feel it all. Sirius was fairly sure you’d guessed the things he hadn’t told anyone. You’d always been good at reading people, especially him, but you didn’t try to press him on it. You listened. You held his hand. And when his eyes told you the words he couldn’t say out loud – that he was terrified they’d win in the end – your eyes answered that it’d be a cold day in hell before you ever let that happen.
He felt tears stinging the corners of his eyes. He needed you… now, next year, forever. That was the finite truth of it. He needed you, but he didn’t deserve you. His behaviour last night had proven that.
“…just figured maybe you’d listen if you heard it from someone else for a change,” James was saying.
“How is she?” he blurted out. “Is she… I mean, I know what I said… everything I said… fucking bang out of order, but is she okay?”
James stared at him blankly for a moment. “Evans? What’d you say to her?”
Shit, that’s right – James had been talking about Evans.
“No, sorry. Y/N…”
“Well, she wasn’t doing handsprings, mate, but it’s Y/N. You know she cares about you. Which I believe she made extra clear by screaming it at you last night. Just talk to her, Sirius. Like you always do.”
Sirius felt more tears threatening to form. He had to get a grip on himself.
“Anyway, back to Evans… erm… yeah, that made a big difference. In fact, after she walked in on me starkers, we–”
“Shewhat?!”
Sirius was relieved to find that his chuckle was genuine – the look on Prongs’s face was priceless.
“Relax, I’m joking.” He figured it’d be best not to mention that he had actually been half-naked. “It really was a good talk.”
He wasn’t lying, to his surprise. Evans’ method of getting through to him – shouting his various attributes at him while looking as if she might set his hair on fire at any moment – was oddly effective. If someone who hated him as much as she did could find some worth in him, maybe he wasn’t a lost cause after all.
“Smashing!” James said, brightening. “And guess what else? She only insulted me one time this morning!”
“A new record!” Sirius grinned, high-fiving him. “Hungry?” Hopefully you’d be at dinner so he could apologise. Pushing you away wasn’t the solution to his problem.
“Famished. By the by, Evans did say she’d amputate our toes if we set foot on the girls’ stairs again.”
“That’s not very neighbourly.”
“Oh, and Moony asked if we’d bring the map and the cloak. Says there’s something we need to do tonight.”
“Map’s in my trunk,” Sirius mumbled. He’d dropped to his stomach and appeared to be trying to fish his boots out from under the bed.
James plucked the map out of the lid of the trunk, stooping to pick up a photo that fluttered to the floor. He watched you blink in surprise as Sirius took the picture before arching an eyebrow at him, then winced at the look on your face before the shutter was pressed. He hated seeing you sad.
There was a thud as Sirius began shoving his feet into the boots, and James slipped the photo back into the lid before quietly closing the trunk and sitting down on it. Sirius had a photo of you hidden in the lid of his trunk. Not Mystery Bird. You. He glanced down at the map in his hands. Sirius hadn’t let it out of his sight since he started going out with this girl, but if James had anything to do with it, he wasn’t getting it back tonight. It was high time he met Sirius’s new lady friend.
Sirius popped up from the floor, and James tossed him the map before retrieving his cloak from his own trunk. They walked to the Great Hall in silence, except for a brief pause on the stairs to cheer on Peeves, who was chasing Filch down the third-floor corridor with a mop.
Remus and Peter were already at the table, but James noticed you and the girls were missing from your usual spot. He worried you might be giving dinner a miss as well, but a few moments later, you walked in with Evans, McKinnon and Vance. Sirius immediately made to stand, but James grabbed the hem of his shirt, tugging him back down.
“You don’t want to go over there right now, Pads. You’ve activated the girl shields.”
The four boys watched as every girl in Gryffindor shifted closer to you and your roommates as you sat down, immediately whispering and casting occasional nasty looks at the Marauders. No shouting match the likes of last night’s was going to come without the cost of a bit of chinwagging. James knew you were miserable, though. You hated gossip and seemed to be doing your best to smile and wave the girls off.
“What are they glaring at the rest of us for, we didn’t do anything!” Peter protested.
“Well, we can’t very well put him in the pillory, can we, so we’ll just have to stay here and absorb some of the collateral damage,” Remus grinned, extending a long arm across the table to give Sirius’s shoulder an encouraging slap. James was relieved to see that Remus wasn’t angry with Sirius.
“Listen, Moony…” Sirius started, wanting to make sure, but Remus cut him off.
“We’re good, Pads. It’s between the two of you, and you’ll work it out. But I might be able to help with that later.”
The rest of the meal passed with the usual banter, plus occasional laughter when you’d catch the boys glancing at you and toss subtle “kill me now” gestures their way. You apparently had had enough concern by the time pudding was served, excusing yourself and hotfooting it out of the Hall with Evans on your heels.
When dinner wound down and the Hall began to clear, Moony quietly explained his plan. It seemed to make everyone feel a bit better. James knew that things weren’t about to magically return to normal, but this should at least stop the boat rocking for now. As professors and prefects began shooing stragglers to their Houses, the Marauders slipped under James’s cloak and made their way towards the One-Eyed Witch.
I am SO TREMENDOUSLY SORRY to the ridiculously (riddikulusly?) kind people who’ve let me know they were hoping this story would continue. I don’t even know what to say other than I couldn’t be more deeply touched that you like it that much. I also couldn’t be more deeply ashamed that I’ve left you hanging. But apart from some more major life changes (I’m ready for all the life changes to stop for a good long while now!!), I’d been sitting on this bit of the story for ages now just doubting the bejesus out of it.
I suppose that’s normal when writing fanfic? Or I hope it is… this is still just my second go at it, but without going into detail on how many times I deleted bits I told myself were boring and awful, PLEASE feel free to tell me if I’m cocking this up!! lol If you don’t like where it’s going or how it’s getting there, don’t hesitate to tell me. In return, I’ll stop thinking it to death and try to let it go where it seems to want to go.
Anyway, enough sheepish excuses. I’m forcing myself to publish this part even though it seems like I should have done more to it. If you’re still here reading, bless your lovely heart, and if you asked me at some point to add you to the tag list and I didn’t, just remind me again because we all know now that my brain is a cluttered attic with a bloody ghoul in it lol
You knew one of two things would happen if you went upstairs right now.
The first scenario was that Lily and Marlene had waited up and would pounce on you the moment you entered the dorm, possibly shrieking, likely jumping up and down, and definitely diving onto your bed to demand you regale them with every detail of the day’s events.
The second was that they hadn’t waited up but would instead wake you at dawn to do all of the above.
Youdid want to talk to them, of course, particularly level-headed Lily. Today – and particularly tonight – had left you with much to process, and you’d be glad of an outside perspective. But your head was in no shape for it at the moment. Bits and pieces of the day were flashing through your mind at too swift a speed… snippets of conversations you and Remus had had, images of him laughing freely at the Broomsticks and excitedly pointing out rare books at Tomes & Scrolls, the sounds of a softly played piano, and the rush of adrenaline as the two of you tripped your way up the staircases beneath James’s cloak.
Further complicating things at the moment was the fact that those images were being too frequently interrupted by the lingering feeling of his lips sliding gently across your jaw.
Considering you were also still a bit sloshed, you arrived at the only logical conclusion: Sleeping on the sofa it was.
A wave of your wand had the fire roaring again, and you pulled a blanket up to your chin as you settled against the pillows. After a bit, you found that simply concentrating on the swaying flames helped slow the roundabout in your head. One particular question kept begging for attention, though, no matter how you tried to ignore it.
Had you wanted Remus to kiss you?
Sussing out the answer felt like significantly more effort than you wanted to exert at the present time, but something in the back of your mind kept insisting it was important to try. Either you’d wanted him to kiss you or you’d just been curious to see if he would. The difference would tell you… it would tell you…
“I just want to sleep,” you groaned in frustration as the back of your mind yanked you once again from the edge of a doze.
“Well, fine then! I know when I’m not wanted,” a voice came from behind you. “Thank Evans for that.”
You snorted. “Thank Evans.”
James paused for a moment, then laughed as he caught on.
“Thank Evans instead of thank heavens… oh, we’ve got to make that a new Marauders in-joke, it’ll drive her round the bend.”
You giggled as you pictured Lily a few days from now, red faced and stamping her foot as she demanded to know why everyone kept saying that.
“Sorry to disturb, though, I’ll leave you to it,” James said, his voice a bit further away. You shook your head, then realised he couldn’t see you; you’d wedged yourself as deeply into the sofa cushions as you could manage in your fitfulness.
“No, I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to myself. I feel like I’m losing the plot, James…”
You rubbed your face. James’s timing was, as per usual, impeccable. You suddenly knew that if anyone could help you sort through this, it was him.
You extended your arms so that he could see them over the back of the sofa.
“Hold me,” you said in your most piteous voice.
“Why, Y/N!” James gasped, his head appearing above yours, a mock expression of shock on his face. “What would Moony say?”
“Belt up and get over here.”
“How forceful of him,” James teased as he vaulted the back of the sofa. You pulled your knees quickly to your chest to avoid having your legs crushed. You couldn’t, however, avoid being jostled violently, and before you could regain your breath, James had grabbed you round the waist and hauled you into his lap. Angling back against the cushions, he put a hand on your forehead and pressed down until your head was resting on the arm of the sofa before draping his arm comfortably over your stomach.
“How is it you always manage to make me feel simultaneously assaulted and loved?” you asked.
It was only partially a joke. James seemed to barrel into every endeavour like a drunken ogre yet, by the end, it was always as if everything had gone precisely according to his plan. It was part of the reason you were so sure he and Lily would eventually end up together. She just had to wait out the ogre stage.
“It’s a gift,” James yawned, pulling the blanket over the two of you. “Now. How satisfactory is Remus’s snogging? I reckon he goes in a bit frantic, but Pads pegs him as more of a tender lover…”
“If I weren’t so tired, I’d look at you indignantly,” you said, eyes closed. “There was no snogging.”
“Not even a peck goodnight?”
“No. Well…”
“Aha!”
“I said no!”
“And then you said ‘well’. Everybody knows that 'well’ after 'no’ means 'yes’.”
You managed an exasperated sigh. “Did he not speak to the three of you when he came in?”
“Two of us. Sirius still isn’t back.”
There was that twinge again.
“And you know Moony. Told us to sod off and crawled into bed before we could even so much as get a word out. But he was grinning like a Cheshire cat when he came through the door, so I just figured–”
“You just figured what?” you asked, opening your eyes just enough to narrow them at him. “That he couldn’t possibly be grinning because we’d had a nice time or because I’m excellent company?”
“You’re always excellent company and you two always have a nice time. So something different had to have happened. And snogging would definitely be different.”
“There was nosnogging.”
“But there was a 'well’.”
With a quiet groan, you reached up to rub your temples, which were beginning to throb.
“Why does everyone always want to have deep, probing conversations with me when I’m fucking shattered?” you demanded. “What’s wrong with soul searching at, say, half eight?”
“We all know 'tipsy and tired’ is your and Sirius’s Veritaserum,” James said matter of factly.
Your eyes widened, and he quickly put a hand over your mouth.
“Allow me,” he said, clearing his throat and sending his voice into an exaggerated falsetto. “James, how dare you! Do you have any idea how manipulative that is? If you weren’t so incredibly handsome and virile, I’d be very, very cross with you.”
You couldn’t help but chuckle into his hand, and he took that as a sign that it was safe to remove it.
“Itis manipulative,” you muttered.
“If you want to be negative about it,” James said with a dismissive wave. “I prefer to see it as a sign of how close we all are. I mean, we’d have to be to pick up on this stuff, wouldn’t we? Get a fair few down you and Sirius, wait till you’re good and cream-crackered, and the both of you will spill your guts. Don’t act like you’ve never bribed Remus with chocolate, and we both know you can guilt him into anything if you appeal to that honourable streak of his. Just tell Pete 'that’s something James and Sirius would do’ and he’ll do it. Honestly, Y/N, if you don’t occasionally manipulate your friends, do you really even care?”
You opened your mouth to protest, then remembered how many times you’d gotten James to do something he didn’t want to do by telling him how impressed Lily would be when you told her.
“Alright, fair enough. We’re extremely close, sort of rotten friends. We deserve each other. But for the record, I was going to tell you anyway. 'Tipsy and tired’ or not.”
One of the things you loved about all the boys was that they knew when it was fine to take the Mickey and when it was time to shut it and listen. James sat attentively as you summed up the day, his mouth dropping open as you reached the end.
“Moony did that?! OurMoony?”
You nodded.
“Fucking hell,” James said, grinning through his shock as he shook his head. “I didn’t think he had it in him. So… what happened next?”
“I threw a pillow at him.”
“As you do.”
“Not smack in the face or anything. He sneaked off right when I thought… well, I thought he was going to properly kiss me. Next thing I knew, he was on the stairs.”
“Merlin’s undies, he went from nervous wreck to Casanova in a day? You must be one hell of a date, love.”
“That goes without saying, but I don’t think it had as much to do with me as it did with Remus just… throwing caution to the wind for once. This is going to sound odd, but I felt sort of proud of him. He’s capable of so much more than he thinks he is.”
“Apparently. Ten minutes before we went down to the Great Hall, he was snogging a paper bag. If you’d told me he’d be moving on to chins a few hours later, I’d have–”
“He did not snog my chin. Godric, James.”
James laughed before tapping his own chin with his thumb, something he always did when he was thinking.
“So what is it you’re upset about? That he didn’t properly kiss you? Did you want him to?”
James watched as you slowly nibbled the inside of your bottom lip. You always did that when you were thinking.
He had to admit, he was reeling from this news about Moony. He hadn’t had any doubt that Remus would eventually relax and the two of you would settle into your usual simpatico swing. He wouldn’t have left his cloak with Rosmerta otherwise. But from there, he’d reckoned it’d be a hug and off to bed, followed by a few agonising weeks of having to watch the two of you awkwardly dance around one another – complete with loads of blushing and that Alice-and-Frank hand-brushing bollocks – while you all waited to see where this would go.
Remus had skipped ahead a few chapters, and now it was time to figure out whether that had advanced the story or spoilt the ending.
“That’s what was keeping me awake when you came down,” you said finally. “Did I want him to kiss me… romantically? Or did I just want to see what New Remus would do next?”
“Well… maybe a comparison,” James suggested. “How have you felt just before being kissed before?”
Your eyes dropped, and a slight flush washed over your cheeks.
“I haven’t been kissed before,” you said quietly.
James’s eyes widened in genuine surprise.
“Don’t take the piss, James, not right now.”
“I would never! I just assumed Morgan had at least had a go…”
“He had welts for a week after that Stinging Snowball stunt. Hasn’t put his face anywhere near me since.”
“Sorry? I suppose?”
“You suppose wrong. He’s nice enough, but he’s a bit of a big head. Always on about shallow rubbish, doesn’t seem interested in getting to know me. The real me, I mean.”
Suddenly, you looked vulnerable and sad. Just like Sirius had that night outside the kitchens. James really wished he could make everyone stop looking like that.
He’d had all the standard, humiliating warnings from his mum that people’s feelings would go all… feely once they reached a certain age. It’d been especially delightful the night she’d decided to include Sirius in the conversation. “Be wary of young ladies who only seem to be attracted to your looks,” she’d said. “Particularly you, Sirius.” James scowled slightly as he remembered Pads bursting into laughter.
But you and Remus, Sirius and Mystery Bird… regardless of the warnings, James hadn’t expected to start fifth year with everyone pairing off. And if he was honest, he was feeling a bit gutted that, despite a little progress, he seemed no closer to adding 'James and Lily’ to that list.
But none of this was going to be solved overnight. A change of subject was definitely in order.
“I vote we not be serious for the rest of the night.”
“I second,” you said, giving him a grateful smile.
“I third! One of me is more than enough.”
James watched as the smile slipped from your face at the sound of Sirius’s voice. You used to light up when he walked into a room. How had Pads never noticed that?
Tilting his head back, James watched as Sirius caught his foot on the edge of the portrait hole and tipped forwards. Just before he hit the floor, however, he spun, putting a hand down behind him and propelling himself upright. The whole thing ended up looking more like a bloody dance move than a drunken eejit tripping into a room. James shook his head. He loved Sirius dearly, but sometimes he wondered if it wouldn’t do Pads some good to fall flat on his face every once in a while. Might knock some sense into him.
“Uh-oh,” Sirius said, dangling over the back of an adjacent armchair. “Cuddles with Prongs means something’s wrong.”
“You’re almost as poetic as Peeves,” you retorted, rolling your eyes.
“So what is it?” Sirius continued, unperturbed. “Bad date?”
His tone was confrontational. He was also pissed as a newt – eyes bloodshot, voice heavy and sluggish, and his breath could have knocked over an erumpent. This was not good.
“Perfectly lovely date, thank you,” you said shortly. “Best time I’ve had in ages.”
James watched as a pained look flickered over Sirius’s face, replaced almost immediately by another James knew all too well. That sulky look that said “Pads is now in a mood – terrible decisions on his part are about to be made and something will inevitably get broken”. This was very, very not good.
“Oh? Then why are you in the common room being consoled by Prongs instead of upstairs showing off your love bites like mydate?”
James felt you flinch and instinctively grabbed your hand as the pained look found a new home. Yours didn’t last long either, though, anger scorching the hurt away from your eyes.
“Bloodyhell, Sirius, shut your gob and go to bed,” James tried, knowing it was too late. You sat up stiffly, glaring at the boy as he raised a smug eyebrow at you.
“That was horrid,” you said quietly, your voice quivering slightly.
“That’s not what she said,” Sirius drawled, standing upright.
“Why are you acting like this? This isn’t you. Why are you doing this to– why are you doing this?”
Sirius faltered for a moment at your sudden pleading tone, and James held his breath, hoping fervently that some faint, preferably sober voice in Padfoot’s head would lead him right. But then the mask slid back down.
“Doing what? Having a little fun?”
“There’s a difference between having fun and acting like an arrogant prick.”
“So I’m a prick now because I’m not Remus?”
“Who said I wanted you to be Remus?”
“Then who is it you want me to be?”
“You! The realyou.”
“And where has that ever gotten me? Who gives a shit about the real me?”
“I DO!!” you yelled, and James watched as Sirius’s eyes widened slightly. You stood abruptly, clearly flustered, and stomped to the bottom of the girls’ stairs. Surely that had snapped Sirius out of it…
“Yeah, well, you can tell Remus the real me is a prick too on your next perfectly lovely date.”
Aaaaand fuck. James let his head drop onto the back of the sofa as Sirius stalked to the boys’ stairs. In his peripheral vision, he could see you swiping quickly at your eyes while Sirius wasn’t looking.
“Believe me, I will,” you said, your volume rising. “And don’t worry, I won’t be spoiling your fun from now on. Why you even bother concerning yourself with what dull, boring little Y/N is doing is beyond me.”
“BECAUSE I FUCKING WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY!” Sirius shouted.
The two of you glowered at one other for a few seconds before you bolted through the door to the girls’ tower, slamming it behind you. Sirius pounded his fist against the boys’ door before violently kicking it open.
At least nothing got brok–
James ducked as a bolt of light shot from the top of the boys’ stairs and a small table near the portrait hole exploded. Wearily curling up on the sofa, he listened for a few moments for any further signs of movement. Or destruction. While it was a safe bet that everyone in the House was awake now, he hoped they’d stay in their dorms. He needed to take stock, and better to do it here than upstairs with the Human Molotov Cocktail in the next bed.
Silence settled slowly over the room.
First on the list of things needing pondered: James had seriously underestimated Remus, who had apparently been a character from a romance novel all along – sensitive, suave, well-read, dashing, musical, and moonlighting as a werewolf. Pun very much intended. He also seemed to have intentions of snogging you at some point in the near future, though whether or not you wanted to be snogged was still up in the air. And meanwhile, Sirius’s snogging was clearly out of control.
If it turned out Pete was snogging anything, James was going to be extremely put out.
To make all of that even more complicated, despite your best efforts to be furious, you and Sirius had really only proven one thing with your row: You still had feelings for each other. The Veritaserum had spoken. Or in this case, shouted.
“Tipsy and tired,” he sighed, pulling the blanket over his head. He himself was unfortunately only one of those things.
“Potter!”
James groaned. What the holy hell now? It felt like he’d barely closed his eyes five minutes ago.
“POTTER!”
Irritably, he yanked the blanket away from his face and winced against the sunlight streaming into the room before forcing one eye open. Lily was standing in front of the sofa, arms crossed, foot tapping. James closed his eye. Could she just once plan a lecture for a time when he didn’t look like he’d been trampled by graphorns? Seeing as he usually couldn’t defend his actions, it’d be nice if he could at least smoulder.
“Potter, I obviously saw you open your eye, so why would you bother closing it?”
“Because my dream seems to be malfunctioning. Normally, you’re naked.”
“Oh my God. Just forget it, you manky plonker,” Lily huffed, turning towards the portrait hole.
“Wait, wait, Evans, I apologise. Step into my office, we’ll have a chat that I’m sure will include many more apologies by me.”
Lily looked dubious but settled into an armchair as James dragged himself into a sitting position, straightening his glasses.
“I’m sure this will come as a nasty shock, but I’m not here to talk about you,” Lily began. “Though I would be interested to know if you ever actually sleep in your bed.”
James opened his mouth, but your voice suddenly popped into his head.
“Do NOT say 'You’re welcome to find out’, for fuck’s sake, these are the things that do not impress Lily no matter how funny they are, James.”
“It was safer down here last night,” he said instead.
Lily nodded with a sigh.
“That’s what I wanted to talk about. We were all awake when she came in, of course, but she just dove into bed and drew the curtains. Hasn’t come out since. Please tell me it wasn’t Remus she was shouting at…”
“It wasn’t Remus. It was Sirius.”
“Sirius?”
“He stumbled in from his date while Y/N and I were chatting. It went… less than well.”
Lily sighed, casting a worried look towards the girls’ dorm.
James frowned. Damned if he was going to start yet another week with everything gone pear-shaped. He needed a plan of action. A change of perspective.
“Evans, what do you think should be done about a person who’s too pigheaded to understand that another person’s been trying to tell them they fancy them?”
“Don’t you call me pigheaded, James Potter!”
James snorted. “No, no, not you. Sirius. The row last night, it was nothing but the two of them lashing out at each other because they’re hurt and stubborn. And in Sirius’s case, bevvied. With a dash of stupid.”
“So you think Sirius still has feelings for her?”
“I know he does. But the thing is, he’s had his bloody chances and he just keeps cocking it up. I’m of a mind now he’s doing it on purpose.”
Lily’s eyes widened. “Why?”
“I’m convinced now that he stood aside for Remus. Which under any other circumstance would’ve made him quite the noble bastard, but under this one… I don’t know. I reckon Sirius wanted to give Remus’s confidence a leg up, but from what Y/N said last night Moony’s doing just fine on his lonesome.”
“She talked to you about her date?”
James raised a brow. “Some girls have no trouble at all talking to me, Evans. Some girls quite enjoy it, in fact.”
“Yes, well, some girls also quite enjoy waxing their legs. So they had a nice time?”
“I’ll leave the details to her but yeah, seems so.”
Lily stood suddenly. “I’m going to talk to her. If things went well with Remus and she’s committed to seeing where else they might go, then she needs to give it time. Which means Sirius needs to stop complicating things. Perhaps you should tell him as much.”
“About that,” James said, eyeing Lily cautiously. “Me telling Pads what to do is about as effective as me telling that fireplace poker. Meanwhile, your continued refusal to find me irresistible means you don’t know much about men. No offence.”
“Point?” Lily groaned.
“What Y/N needs right now is insight and empathy. What Pads needs is a stern lecture. Care to trade?”
Lily looked puzzled for a moment before crinkling her nose in disgust. “You want me to speak with Black?”
“Frightened, are you?”
The girl puffed up immediately and it was all James could do not to laugh. She looked like a disgruntled owl.
“Hardly. Repulsed is more like it. He’s horrid. Second-most-arrogant person I’ve ever had the misfortune to meet. Selfish, spoilt, a complete and utter rake…”
“And yet you… don’t want to lecture him?”
Lily paused. “Actually, now you mention it, yes. Yes I do. It’s certainly clear no one else in his life ever has.”
“It’s settled then,” James said, hopping up from the sofa and heading for the girls’ stairs. “I’d have a go now if I were you; I reckon he’s too hungover to be belligerent.”
Lily marched towards the boys’ stairs but whipped around, mouth open, at the sound of James whispering behind her.
“JamesPotter!! Did you just take the enchantment off the girls’ stairs?!”
“Sirius taught me!” James yelled over his shoulder, taking two steps at a time to get out of hexing range. “Feel free to include that in your chat!”
“Oh, I will! Once this business is sorted, we’re all going to be having chats about lots of things! I amaprefect, you know!”
“Yes, yes, thank Evans for that,” James called as he opened the door to the dorms, grinning as Lily’s voice drifted up the stairs: “Thank me for what?”
a/n: I’m going on a road trip to New Orleans for my birthday tomorrow and it got me thinking about Remus on a road trip and just going on a road trip with the Marauders. Then it got a little… heated lol
summary: On a road trip with the Marauders, you try and avoid getting motion sickness but you’re having a hard time not focusing on the moving bus and the passing scenery. Luckily enough, your boyfriend Remus has just the thing to distract you, as long as you keep quiet.
warning: MDNI 18+, fingering, degradation, praise, overstimulation, kinda public sex, slight exhibitionism, If I missed anything lmk!
word count: 2.1k
You rested your head against Remus’ shoulder, closing your eyes and trying your hardest to keep your mind off the Volkswagen jostling your body so that motion sickness doesn’t overtake you.
You both sat in the third row of seats as James drove, Lily holding the map and instructing him when to turn. Sirius and Peter both laid across the second row, sleeping soundly. Remus’ head turned away from the window, feeling you rest against him. His lips immediately meet your temple, kissing it tenderly.
He couldn’t see your pained yet determined expression from his height but you knew he could somehow sense your wariness. He kept his lips against your skin, letting its warmth spread through your body.
“Alright, love?” He questioned, hot breath tickling your skin, causing you to shudder slightly. You groan, shaking your head as the bus hits a particularly nasty bump.
“Trying not to focus on the bus movin’. Don’ wanna get sick,” you mumble, voice muffled as you nuzzle your face against his shoulder.
“Gettin motion sickness again?” Remus asked, voice tinged with worry. He knew how long car rides got to you. You nod against him, slouching against the seat.
“Think so,” you respond, trying to think of something besides the sensation of feeling every little rock the van rolls over.
“Gotta keep your mind off it, dove,” Remus says, hand moving to pat your bare knee, fingers tickling the edge of your dress. You groan, closing your eyes and shuffling closer to him.
“I’m trying but I can’t help it,” you whine, internally chastising yourself for acting like this. But you dreaded the oncoming pain and you demanded comfort.
“Want some help?” Remus asked, voice suggestive as fingers began lightly grazing your leg. You subconsciously leaned into the touch.
“How could you help with something like this?” You asked curiously, mind distant as you tried not to focus on anything too hard.
“Could offer you a little distraction…” he trailed off, his voice continuing with that suggestive lilt. It didn’t click until his teasing fingers began making their way up closer to your core. Your eyes shot open as they made contact.
“R-Rem,” you stuttered in disbelief, looking up at him with furrowed brows. Remus kept his gaze ahead as your breathing started to pick up, heat blossoming in your stomach as Remus rubbed his fingers along your clothed slit.
“Just keep your eyes ahead, dove. Keep your thoughts on me, on what I’m doin’ to ya,,” he spoke lowly, a rasp washing over his voice as he pressed his fingers more firmly against you. You clench around nothing and your eyes widen at the effect his words have on you. Letting out a small whimper you glance ahead, looking around at your friends and the small space you currently occupied.
“Remus, w-we’re in a van. With everyone,” you say nervously, looking back up at him as you try not to rock against his hand and hating how much the idea turns you on. Remus continues to keep his eyes forward.
“James and Lily got the radio so loud they won’t hear anything, and Sirius and Peter are knocked out,” he explains simply. He then slowly moves his gaze down to meet yours before raising a single brow. “So… as long as you keep quiet little one, no one will suspect a thing. Think you can keep quiet for me?” A small moan escapes you, not being able to help from reacting to the pet name mixed with his fingers pressing the material of your panties down against your clit. You shake your head lightly, brows furrowed.
“I don’t know, Rem,” you answer, voice shaky with uncertainty. A softness falls over Remus’ expression as he takes you in.
“We don’t have to do this, you know. Say the word and I’ll hold your hand and rub your stomach when it starts to ache,” he says, his voice gentle and soothing. But then his fingers flex against your core and his eyes sharpen. “But judging by this,” he starts, a smirk overtaking his lips. His fingers are quicker than you can react but you can feel it as Remus pushes aside your panties and gathers up your slick. You stare at him wide-eyed as he removes his hand and holds it up in front of you both. His smirk is mischievous, the gleam in his eye fierce as he speaks. “You’re dripping,” he says smoothly, voice coated in self-satisfaction.
“Remus!” You scold, tugging his hand down and getting it out of your friends’ sight. Remus laughs, moving his arm out of your grip and pops the fingers in his mouth. He moans around his digits and you melt against him, entranced by the sight as you feel yourself growing wetter.
His hand falls back on your leg, only now it grips the inside of your thigh, your dress having previously ridden up. Your eyes follow the movement and remain on the hold as you watch his spit smear against your thigh.
“Let me take care of you,” he says softly, practically begging to help you. Your tongue darts out, licking your lip as your gaze remains on his fingers.
“O-okay,” you force out, still not sure how well you can keep quiet but your growing desperation overcomes such doubt.
“Yeah?” He asks, checking in with you, wanting you to be certain, needing your full consent. You merely nod, chest tightening and breath hitching at the anticipation.
But suddenly Remus’ hand snaps away from your thigh and tugs at your chin, forcing your eyes on him. Your lips part as you feel his damp fingers against your skin.
“Words, dove, I need words,” he grits out, jaw slightly clenched and eyes wild as he looks down at you, gaze flickering over your face, checking up on you. You watch him for a moment, savoring the expression before you speak.
“Please take care of me,” you whimper out quietly. Remus’ eyes roll back into his head as a low guttural groan escapes him. When his eyes flutter back open, his touch is leaving your chin and moving inside your panties.
Two fingers spread out your folds and slip through your wetness. You feel yourself rock against it, breath increasing as pleasure sparks through your core.
You hear Remus inhale deeply before slipping two fingers into your slick center. You choke on a whimper, hips jerking at the thick digits entering you. He starts at a steady pace, moving them in and out of your desperate hole. You whine quietly, cunt fluttering around his fingers and hips jerking to meet his thrusts. You hear Remus chuckle and a moment later you feel Remus’ hot breath on your ear, sending shivers down your spine and increasing your pleasure.
“What got you so turned on, love? You’re soaking my hand. Was it the idea of me getting you off in front of all our friends? Was it the possibility of getting caught? Or was it my words? Do you like hearing the dirty things I plan on doin’ to ya..? Or is it all three?” He taunts, voice holding a sinister twinge. Your eyes squeeze shut as you listen to him and you can’t stop yourself from clenching down on his fingers. You hear a huff of laughter. “All three, aye? I can work with that…” he trails off, sounding slightly more focused. He moves deeper within you, fingers curling against your walls and igniting your nerves.
“Ah— Remus!” You cry out as quietly as possible, letting a surprised moan follow as he crooks his fingers, sliding over a sponged area inside you that sends a jolt through your body and black spots in your vision. A familiar coil begins to tighten in your stomach.
“Shh, quiet sweetheart. Wouldn’t want our friends to interrupt now would we?” Remus teases, a wondrous smirk decorating his expression as he continues to watch you and the pretty faces you make when you try and hold back your pleasure.
“F-faster— please,” you beg out breathlessly, needing more friction to move you closer to the edge, waves of pleasure pushing and pulling you. Remus makes a sound of disbelief though his fingers quicken, heading towards a brutal pace.
“You want me to go faster now? Why just a few minutes ago you weren’t sure you could do this. Now look at you, you filthy thing. Makin’ a mess of my hand, moaning like a desperate slut. That’s what you are aren’t you? My desperate little slut,” he spits out, fingers pounding in and out of you, the force jerking your hips.
Your brows furrow at the pleasure that wracks through your body, the coil tightening in your stomach, drawing you closer to release. Your jaw drops in shock as Remus moves his thumb to your clit, moving it in tight circles.
“Yes!” You hiss out before a loud moan escapes you without permission. You throw your head back against the seat as your hips buck up.
“Is she ok back there?” A sudden voice sounds out through the van. And it’s only then you notice anything past the fog clouding your mind and you suddenly realize the music had been turned down. Your stomach clenched wondering how long it had been.
You freeze completely, keeping your head back and body still. Remus hesitates when Lily asks the question but quickly collects himself and continues the movement of his fingers, moving slower and more languidly but never relenting the beautiful torture on your clit.
Your breath hitches and you curse yourself for enjoying the thrill of this so much, hating how the possibility of getting caught causes electricity to rush through your veins.
“A bit of motion sickness is all,” Remus replies smoothly,
his gaze meeting Lily’s now. You can imagine Lily’s sympathetic frown behind your closed eyes.
“Awe, the poor dear. Well don’t worry, love, there’s a rest stop not too far. We’ll stop for a break soon,” she assures with a firm nod. Remus sends her a charming smile and breathes out a sigh of relief.
“Sounds brilliant, thanks Lil,” Remus responds and you tense up, forcing moans back down your throat and ignoring ripples of arousal coursing through you.
“Don’t mention it,” Lily calls back, appearing none the wiser as she spins back forward and turns the music back up. Remus rounds his head to look down at you again.
“You have got to be more quiet, dove,” he says through clenched teeth. His fingers begin picking up their pace and your lips part. “Don’t want all our friends to know that you can’t even go a car ride without needing something to fill you up,” he whispers harshly, fingers thrusting into you just as harsh and thumb stimulating your clit perfectly.
“I-I’m close, Rem,” you say, voice shaking and stumbling over words. Tears prick at your eyes, causing you to open them in an attempt to blink them back. Remus lets a wide smirk transform his face.
“Of course you are, and you’ve been doing so well, taking my fingers so nicely. Now, go on, be a good girl and make a mess out of James’ van for me,” he says, his voice somehow both soft and mean at the same time. Your head falls forward and your eyes widen just as Remus moves to pinch your clit.
Pain mixed with immense pleasure causes the coil to snap and euphoria to wash over you like a tidal wave as you’re finally pushed off the edge and into a blissful orgasm.
“Oh god—“ you choke out, voice strained as you hold back screams of pleasure. Your body shakes and jerks as your orgasm moves through you. Remus exhales sharply, continuing to work you through it.
“Clench my fingers, pretty girl, just like that. Take me for all I’m worth…” he hisses out, breath heavy as he watches you. His eyes fog over, pupils blown wide as he looks over every inch of you, memorizing every change of expression and jerk of your body. Your orgasm begins to calm but Remus doesn’t stop in his movements. Your features twist as overstimulation starts to take hold. “God you’re beautiful, all ruined and fucked out,” Remus says, voice light and dazed. You whimper and start to squirm away from his fingers as pain overwhelms the pleasure.
“S’to much, Rem,” you mumble out, feeling a sense of tiredness replace the arousal that had previously consumed you.
“Can’t give me another one?” Remus asks with a frown. You shake your head tiredly, head falling limply against his shoulder. Remus sighs and carefully moves his fingers out of you. You whine lightly before relaxing back against the seat. After wiping away the cum on his fingers and the mess between your thighs, his hand rests back on your leg and starts massaging away the small tremors that remain. “Well, I suppose one’s served its purpose. Rest little one, we’ll be there before you know it,” he says softly to your already half-asleep form, kissing your forehead and turning back to look outside the window as he had been doing before.
Pairings:Sirius Black x reader, Remus Lupin x reader’s brother, Sirius Black (post-Azkaban) x reader, Sirius Black x Slytherin!reader
Word Count: 2,663
Warnings: Torture, injury,
A/N: Ahh!!! Time to get excited I am finallyfinishing this damn story. I’m guessing there will be around 5-10 more chapters to tie up loose ends, unless I get a stroke of genius and continue the story lol. Thank you so much to everyone who still reads my stories and an extra thank you to everyone asking how I’ve been and taking time out of their day to think ab me, like UGH so sweet!!! Anywaysss lemme know what you guys think or if there’s anything you’d like to see/are confused about!
“Always were such a gossip,” Sirius teased, his figure slowly coming from the shadows, his wand out and poised. “I think you have me confused with Cissy, always had trouble keeping those pretty lips closed,” Bellatrix returned, turning her attention towards Sirius. “Yes, well, the pretty ones are always easier to remember,” Sirius said, slowly advancing. He didn’t dare look at you; the last thing Bellatrix needed to know was that not only were you Remus’ sister, but she could hurt Sirius just as deeply through you–almost a sort of two-for-one. It was a good thing he didn’t, for you were still seated, cradling your throbbing ankle. “Just as shallow as always, I see,” she sneered, “It seems as though your time in Azkaban taught you nothing, cousin.” “Back on the Dark Side, all loud and proud, and your precious Lord hasn’t even fully risen to power yet; seems as though you learned just as much as I did,” he threw back. Her face contorted in rage, and her words came out like a growl. “He broke me out of Azkaban! He saved me! How can he not be what he once was, yet touch Azkaban–no, break Azkaban? No one has escaped from Azkaban, the precious prison where you filthy Muggle-lovers love to throw true witches and wizards like me!” she shrieked madly. “First of all,Iescaped from Azkaban, all by myself, no Dark Lord pulling the strings with the dementors in league,” Sirius sneered. You held your breath as he spoke to her so brazenly. “And Good Godric, you are just as deluded as ever. He’s the one who put you there! You wouldn’t have even ended up in that godforsaken place had it not been for him! Neither of us would’ve been! Can’t you see that? You are only as important to him as what you can do for him. You are nothing to him. Can’t you see that?” And then, the cave was filled with bright green light. All noise ceased as the blood swam in your ears. A silent but surely blood-curdling scream to everyone else ripped from your throat, Sirius’ name leaving your lips as the pitch-black replaced the deadly green. You pulled yourself up against the bars, pain seeping into your screams as you did so, but you had to see he was okay; he had to be okay. The silence stretched on, Bellatrix’s enraged, heavy breathing filling the quiet. The feeling was seeping from your limbs, your knees on the verge of collapse, chest beginning to heave with angry, suffocated sobs.
“Oh, hit a soft spot, did I? Getting a bit touchy,” Sirius laughed suddenly. With a spring, he jumped back up, his hair bouncing with him. The feeling returned to your body like a tidal wave, and your knees finally gave out, but with relief. She hadn’t gotten him; he was still here and somehow going to save all of you. From your spot on the ground, you could’ve sworn you saw a flash of a shoe visible from the light of the mouth of the cave, but a second later, it was gone. “How dareyou speak of him like you know him! Like you understand him?! You know nothing!” she yelled, her voice rebounding off the walls of the tiny cave. “This is nothing like the last time. That was nothing but a blip in my Master’s grand plan. Your preciousfriends, ickle Jamesy and Lily with itty, bitty, baby Potter. All of them, they all meant nothing. Their deaths meant nothing. In fact, I’m told it was amusing for my Master to chase James as he fruitlessly searched out his wand, almost as amusing as Lily throwing herself in front of my Master’s wand, as if it would do anything at all. Stupid, stupidgirl–but really, what did we expect from a filthylittle Mudblood.” And then, Sirius lost it. Flashes of every color burst from the tip of his wand spells flying left and right. Using your good foot, you pushed off of the ground and flew to the corner, covering Alastor and Circe, the latter balled in his lap, doing your best to shield them. “You don’t get to say their names! To talk about them!” he shrieked madly, looking more and more like his cousin as he did so. “I’ll kill every last one of you!” “I wish I was there! I wish I would’ve gotten to see my Master leech the very last drop of light from James’ eyes!” she shrieked, cackling as she threw her own defensive spells. Amazingly, the two hadn’t been hit yet, still throwing curses with as much gusto as before. Idly, you wondered what had happened to her henchmen–shouldn’t this be the exact situation they were here for? Squinting in the darkness, you found them all strangely slumped over, dead to the situation around them.
Concerned for Remus, you next looked for him. Confused, you saw him working his way to a standing position, grimacing in pain as he did so. How was he standing on his own? Then, a second later, you saw a freckled arm appear from nowhere, and a second after that, Remus had been swallowed by the darkness. “What the hell?” you whispered, furrowing your brows in confusion. “What is happening?” Alastor whispered, a crazed look on his face now that Circe couldn’t see him. “It’s alright. You guys are going to be okay,” you reassured them. “That’s Sirius Black,” he whispered, terrified. “Like hell we’re going to be okay.” “The Daily Prophet’s propaganda machine never ceases to amaze,” you whispered, mostly to yourself. “He’s here to rescueus. He’s not bad, not evil, and certainly not a sodding Death Eater. It’s all a lie.” “And why would I believe that?” he frantically whispered back, spells still pinging off the walls. “If he’s a Death Eater, then why the hell is he trying to kill Bellatrix in their own cave?” you hissed, trying to remain patient. “You’ve just got to trust me on this. Okay?” He gave you a look but nodded slowly after a minute. “Alright,” he said, encircling Circe tighter. “I’ve got to get out and help him, please tell me you have something to pick a lock with?” you whispered. “There’s a rusty nail under that bench, in the hole in the rock. I never knew how to use it,” he said, nodding to the opposite corner of the cell. Feeling incredibly thankful for your Muggle cousins your mother called ‘bad influences,’ you pressed a chaste kiss to his forehead. “We’re going to make it out of this, okay? Almost there,” you said, gripping his face seriously. He merely looked at you with the same expression as always.
Crawling over to the bench, you dug the nail from the hole with your fingers, shaking as you turned to the bars to poke your arm through the bars. Putting all your weight on your left foot, you fumbled about for a bit as your hands searched for the lock. Finally finding the lock, you pushed the nail in and quickly got to work trying to pick the lock. Twisting your wrist to try a new angle, you cursed loudly when you dropped the pin. “No!” you all but screamed, trying your damnedest to get the pin and help Sirius. “Alohomora,” you suddenly heard a young girl’s voice whisper. With a click, the lock opened, and the door swung open. Confused but grateful for the assistance, you figured your best bet was to crawl and keep in the darkness. Heart pounding in your ears, you trusted Sirius not to hit you by accident as you got closer. Finally, when you were within arm’s reach, you took a deep breath and went for it. Reaching out, you wrapped both arms around Bellatrix and held tightly as she screeched in shock and thrashed madly in your arms. Pushing off with your good foot, you took her to the floor. Through her thrashing, you managed to get your hand wrapped around hers and pried her fingers from her death grip on her wand. The tell-tale light clatter of wood on stone gave you a new rush of energy. “What? Who?” she shrieked, trying her best to turn and see who had her. “Leave! Him! Alone!” you yelled, holding tighter as she thrashed. “It’s over, Bellatrix,” Sirius suddenly huffed. Just as shocked as she was, you turned your neck and saw Sirius, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Remus, and Tonks all standing with their wands pointed directly at the two of you. You were pleased to find Hermione gripped Bellatrix’s wand in her hand. “The filthy Mudblood darehold my wand?!” and the thrashing started once more. Ignoring the pain, you hooked your leg around her hip, turning to smother her. “Shut up!” you roared, bringing your fists down on her. “Y/N?” Sirius said, his voice laden with surprise. “Somebody get the bloody attack dog already!” she shrieked from under you. You felt a strong arm wrap around your torso and lift you from Bellatrix with ease, all the while thrashing to get back to her. “We’re leaving,” Remus heaved, his chest stained with blood. “And we’re taking them with us,” you said, pointing to Alastor and Circe, who were just now crawling timidly from the cell. “It won’t matter,” she said, grinning a mad smile as her teeth were red with blood. “We’re going to win.” “No you won’t,” Harry spat, looking angry. At his anger, Bellatrix let out another cackling laugh. “Silencio!” you shouted, snatching Sirius’ wand from his hand. Sirius looked at you, highly offended, and you placed the wand back in his still outstretched palm. “I was tired of hearing the bloody twit squawk.” “I second that. In fact,” Hermione added, “PetrificusTotalus.” And with that, Hermione used Bellatrix’s own wand to bewitch her into stillness, her face frozen in an angry shriek.
“With her own wand,” you clucked, giving Hermione a small smile. “Excellent touch.” “I vote we leave,” Ron said, looking around anxiously. “I second that,” Remus said, laughing breathlessly. Tonks wrapped her arm around Remus’ waist and slowly led him from the cave. Hermione guided Alastor and Circe out into the snow, Harry and Ron following. Just as you turned to leave, Sirius spun you around and pulled you to him. “I’m so, so, sorry, Y/N,” Sirius said against your ear. “C-can’t, breathe,” you choked out. He loosened his grip, but didn’t let go. “I never meant any of what I said–” he started, but before he could finish, you reached up and grabbed hold of him, wrapping your legs around him.
“I’d kiss you, but I’m pretty sure I got sick back there,” you laughed with tears in your eyes. Joining you in laughter, Sirius held you tightly against him. “I’m so glad you’re okay, Godric. I was so worried about you and–” seeming to remember, he dropped you and whipped around. “Moony!” “Ow!” you yelped out, your ankle exploding in pain once more. “Are you alright?” Sirius said, spinning around to you once more and looking concerned. “Better than I was when I first arrived,” you joked–he didn’t laugh. “Just broke my ankle, is all.” “Oh, well, if that’s all then,” he rolled his eyes at you. Turning his back to you, he squatted slightly and held his arms out. “Go on, then.” Rolling your eyes but grinning, you hopped onto his back. As the two of you stepped out of the cave and into the cold night air, you saw Hermione speaking to Alastor and Circe. “I’m alright, honest. I can stand on my good foot, you go and see my brother,” you said as Sirius came to a halt. “Are you sure? I can have Ron take my place,” he asked you, turning to look at you. “Promise,” you smiled, pecking his cheek. Smiling back, he gingerly set you on your feet, looking concerned when you winced. “Are you alright?” Hermione asked them. Dropping to her knees, she enveloped Circe in a hug as she cried freely. Alastor didn’t answer; he still had the dead look in his eye, staring blankly into the distance, seemingly indifferent to the cold around him. You were about to walk over to him when you saw his eyes swim back into focus. “H-Harry Potter?” Alastor blinked, life slowly seeping back into him. “Yeah,” Harry half-smiled, walking up to him. “Are you okay? You’re bleeding.” “I’ve been bleeding for months,” he answered darkly. “But not anymore, thanks to you.” “Honestly, I barely did anything at all,” Harry answered honestly. “In fact, I wasn’t even supposed to be here.” “But you are,” Alastor said simply. With a rush of emotion, you realized Harry was the answer. Though he might not have been the formidable wizard his reputation held him up to be, you saw he was the equal to Voldemort; he was the life to Voldemort’s death, the good to his evil. He always had been. More importantly, though, the people believed him to be Voldemort’s equal, the only hope against him. As long as Harry lived, and as long as people saw him living, fighting against Voldemort, hope would live on. Looking away from Harry and Alastor, you noticed Ron approaching you, shrugging out of his coat. “Here, you’ll freeze,” he said, holding the dark-blue fabric out to you. “Oh, no, I’m alright,” you lied, a cold shiver betraying you as the wind picked up. “I’m not taking it back,” he said stubbornly. “Besides, if you get this one all bloodied up, maybe Mum will buy me one of my own finally.” “Alright, thanks, Ron,” you said after a moment, smiling and taking the heavy fabric from him.
Pulling on the still slightly-warm fabric, the forest around you was suddenly filled with the yells of Sirius. “What? So, you just figured you go on and take him on yourself, did you? Aren’t you supposed to be the bloody smart one? I mean, exactly whatis the point of the mirrors if you don’t even alert me to at least let me know what you’re walking into? You could’ve died, you stubborn, detrimentally independent, crazy bastard! And then what? Just gonna leave me then too?” “No, of course–” Remus started, looking both pained and guilty. “No, I’m still bloody talking,” Sirius cut him off, looking fierce. “Don’t you ever do that to me again, Remus or I swear on James’ grave it’ll be me who finishes the job. In fact, if they hadn’t already done you in so well, I’d take you to the floor right now for putting me–us, through this. Matter of fact, where are the miserable sods? I’ve got some things to work out just now.” Tearing off once more towards the caves, Harry and Ron followed him dutifully while Tonks stood with Remus, grabbing his face and wiping the grime from it, the tears in her eyes freely falling.
“Oh, darling,” she said softly, pulling his tall frame down to her. After a moment, you saw Remus’ shoulders shake slightly, and looked away from the tender scene. “Guys, they really need a doctor, as does Y/N and Remus. We need to go,” Hermione fretted, using a cloth to sop up some of the blood on Alastor’s face. “I’ll go on and take Remus to Hogwarts, Madam Pomfrey will know where to start. The rest of you can meet us, yeah?” Tonks suggested. “Here, take Alastor too, I’ll bring Circe. I don’t think I’m strong enough to apparate with both just yet,” you said. “I forget they aren’t old enough yet,” Tonks sighed, gesturing for Alastor to join her. “Go on, Alastor, Circe, and I will be right behind you,” you assured him. “Alright,” he said, his voice dead again. With a pop, Remus, Tonks, and Alastor disappeared from view, leaving you, Hermione, Harry, Ron, Circe and Sirius in the cold.
“Shhhh” (Y/N) whispered loudly as they drunkenly tiptoed through their dorm. Remus laughing every time (Y/N) stepped on something in the dark, silently in pain every time.
“Shut up. That hurt.” He groaned again, trying not to make too much sound as he clambered towards the bed. Remus trailed behind him by his hand. They basically jumped for the bed as soon as it was in sight, trying to avoid the ever growing mess on the floor.
A little out of breath from the jump and head spinning from the copious amount of alcohol, they settled in. Blankets up to their necks as they giggled like children in the dark, a little creepy for anyone listening in. Not that anyone was, given everyone meant to be in here weren’t and anyone who was in there was deep asleep.
“Pssst.” (Y/N) tried to get the attention of the man sitting right next to him with a loud hissing in his ear making him squirm away in disgust.
“I’m right next to you, idiot” He hissed back, poking at (Y/N)’s side, making him jump away, almost falling off. Remus laughed a little, but held onto him as he was pulled back under the covers.
“You be little spoon this time, I’m tired of you always being big spoon just because you’re so tall.” (Y/N) huffed and puffed as he made his way high up onto the pillow so he could be “taller” than Remus, feet rested by his calves, he wiggled them to poke at Remus who shook them off and moved onto his side allowing (Y/N) to backpack on him with his arms tucked between Remus’s arms.
“Better now?” He questioned, feeling a nod into his back. He left (Y/N)’s breath in the back of his neck, sending shivers down his spine.
“Much” He hummed, stuffing his face between Remus’s neck and blowing raspberries into it. “Quit it.” Remus pushed his face away while (Y/N) laughed. Soon there was silence behind him.
“(Y/N)?” He called out, but no response. He poked at his side lightly, making (Y/N) squirm away and swat his hand.
“(Y/N)?!” Remus whisper-shouted, pushing up against him to get his attention. A groan emanating from the dark figure in his vision.
“What?? I’m trying to sleep.” He pushed back, Remus barely getting a grip as he fell off the bed with a groan. “Sorry.” He laughed as he drunkenly reached out for Remus’s hand in the dark, his boyfriend doing the same until their hand met.
“Come on, up you get” He pulled Remus up onto the bed, somehow they got tangled together (Y/N)’s head tucked under Remus’s chin. He huffed into (Y/N)’s hair, trying to blow it out of his face, but failing. Not the worst way he’s had to sleep, he thought.
“What did you want?” (Y/N) said, muffled by Remus’s sweater of course. “I can’t remember.” Remus said blankly, moving his legs in between his boyfriend’s. Finally, he thought as Remus heard soft snores coming from the man in his chest, he carefully moved, so he could see (Y/N)’s face. His face was still hot from the alcohol and staring at (Y/N) so closely.
He moved his hand to (Y/N)’s face, touching the skin softly. He could stare endlessly at it, so pretty. He heard a soft hum as (Y/N) stirred in his sleep, leaning into Remus more. He smiled, moving the hand back to his boyfriend’s side, closing his eyes. His head was still spinning from his drunkenness, but the soft breathing next to him soon put him to sleep as well.
Summary: Remus hurts you accidentally as a werewolf as you’re trying your best to hide it.
Pairing: Remus Lupin x Male Reader
Key: (Y/N)- your name
Word Count: 2718
Your face burned a little as you managed to get out before anyone else got hurt, and now you were limping back to your dorm. Now in the light you could see that it was worse than you initially thought. A fair scratch across your face with some added bruises and scrapes on your legs, better and worse than you had thought.
Things happened so fast, faster than you would’ve liked. This was a rare occurrence which the marauders barely prepared for. The evening outside still raged on as you cleaned yourself off. Nothing felt off or wrong at this moment, so you thought it’d be better to see Madam Pomfrey when it was actually daytime. You winced as you dabbed the alcohol on the wound. This was gonna leave a nasty scar. You collapsed into bed, your dreams felt hot and out of order. Your eyes burned as you opened them to find that as it usually does… time passed and now you were being awoken by an awful talking sound.
“Wah-What?” You managed to say before passing out again, the smell and taste of metallic blood filling your senses as you fell face deep into the pillow. Dreaming of nothing and kind of everything. Hearing the sounds around you and the frantic people making weird sounds you assumed were probably words, but everything was so muffled.
“(Y/N)? Are you okay?” You could hear the fuzzy idea of words coming from a cocky looking mouth. Sirius.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just fine” You slurred out as you waved him away, you just felt a little sick, he should stop worrying. You shivered and pulled the duvet around you. It was cold last night and you think you had bled all over your pillow which was true as you looked back to see the red stain.
“Dammit.” You cursed as you got up, your head spinning before it settled and you could focus your eyes on Sirius.
“What happened last night?!” He scolded you, taking your face aggressively as he inspected the wound. It didn’t sting that much anymore, so you assumed it must’ve properly closed up now. He whispered a few curses to himself and let go of your face. “You just left?!” He pointed vaguely to the air, turning back to you with a hand on his hip.
“Did I?” You mumbled, rubbing your temples trying to remember the exact events of the night. Sirius clicked his fingers in front of you. “Earth to (Y/N), we need to get you to the hospital wing. Remus just got out” Sirius held his hand out towards you.
“Did you say anything?” You said as Sirius helped you out of bed. Your memory became less fuzzy as you walked towards the wing. “Remus. Oh god… Remus” He winced slightly.
“Remus what? Oh.” He looked at the door of the hospital wing, pausing to see if you wanted to go in alone. You nodded and he let you go, waving him off as he headed to breakfast.
Getting patched up, Madam Pomfrey didn’t chat or even scold you. Just working silently with pursed lips as you winced away from her every now and then. She checked you for any sign of infection before dabbing a potion of some kind that made it feel like your body closed in on itself, making you feel dizzy.
Just as quickly as you got in, you left, Lily waiting outside of the doors to escot you back and make sure you were okay.
“I’m fine.” You rolled your eyes, your feet dangling off the edge of the bathroom counter as she applied makeup to the newly formed scar across your face. “See? I’m dandy. Pomfrey patched me up and now no one needs to worry” You tried to give a reassuring smile, but Lily just shook her head.
“You need to tell him (Y/N).” Lily frowned, a hand on her hip as you watched her work her muggle magic on your face. You frowned back. No one needs to worry about you, you were fine. Why couldn’t anyone believe you? “Here. Bring it back after school… Tell him… for your’s and his sake.” She put a hand on your shoulder and you shrugged it off, getting up. “Fine.”
It was hard not to bump into someone as goddamn tall as Remus, but somehow you managed just long enough to make sure he didn’t see you as you slipped out to reapply. James gave you sad side glances from his desk until he managed to corner you. He got up, walking over to your desk, a furrow in his brow.
“Sirius told me.” Similar to Lily, he had placed a strategic hand on his hip, pouting slightly. “Of course he did.” You frowned, giving Sirius a side eye from your vantage point. “No, no. No ‘of course he did.’ It’s not fair to him” He pointed at Remus who was sitting away from the other Marauders similar to he was, looking very deep in thought. Your heart dropping a little bit.
“Tell him.” His nostrils flared as he looked at you, you looked away, guilty. “I can’t.” You whispered away from him, so he could barely hear you. He shook his head disappointedly.
“Fine. I warned you.” As he walked away, you subconsciously touched your face looking over at Remus as you sighed. It’s harder than James thinks, you thought to yourself. An audible sigh leaving you, you didn’t want to lie to your boyfriend, you really didn’t.
Sitting in the darkest corner of the library you can avoid the other, you hear footsteps approaching you. You froze before looking up to see Sirius. “I don’t want to hear it from you too, Pads.” You sighed, sinking further into your seat.
“You can’t tell him, (Y/N).” He sat down next to you, grabbing a book to hide his face as you both talked. “What?” You whispered.
“We both know he’s stubborn. He’ll dig himself into hole.” He whisper shouted back at you, his eyes peering from the top of the book. His eyebrows falling and rising as he talked, ending in a furrow and side glance towards James and Remus on the other side of the library.
“I don’t know.” You replied, sighing heavily as your brain tried to decipher your feelings. Tell Remus, Don’t tell Remus. it was a 2 for 2 vote, you sighed again. This was stupid. You touched your face again, thinking about what Remus would want. Probably to tell him. “Just keep it in mind.” Sirius ended on another frown, today sure was the day for frowning, you thought. He put the book down, giving you a nod as he disappeared behind a bookshelf.
It had been a full two days avoiding Remus like the plague, until he finally cornered you in a hallway on your way to class. Two arms trapping you to the wall, you could feel his breath against you.
“I’m not an idiot.” He asked in a calm anger, a scary trait he had. His eyes burning with determination as you wondered if you could just fall through the wall to avoid him. “I don’t know what you mean.” You lied.
“If you’re scared of me… Just say it.” His eyes pleaded for an answer from you as you struggled to further the lie. With his statement, he back away from you, seeing the metaphorical sweat on your brow.
“That’s- that’s not it” You fumbled, wringing your hands together as your heart pounded into your ears. “Then what?” He barked.
“I don’t- I can’t… I don’t know how to tell you-“ You smudge off makeup to reveal the scar. His face fell as you looked down. He wanted to reach out and trace your scar, but his eyes were filled with betrayal and sadness. You stayed quiet.
“I hurt you, didn’t I?” He demanded softy as you prayed to be sucked into the wall again. His eyes were filled with a kind of hurt you hadn’t seen before. A wave of guilt keeps you somehow quieter than silence itself.
“Just tell me!” He pushed further, stepping back as if your silence struck him a blow.
“I didn’t mean to lie, okay?-“ You tried to start, but he wasn’t having any of it.“What.” He deadpanned, his worst fears coming true as he watched you fumble your wording.
“It got out of hand and then no time was the right time and now-“ You tried even harder to explain yourself, but you had already dug yourself into a hole as you watched Remus’s eyes look for any reassurance that he was wrong.
“All of you lied to me?!” You gulped as his voice was raised, his voice straining as he tried to hold back tears. “To protect you!” You defended yourself as best you could.
“No.” He just said, his hands wanting to reach out even more, but he held them in front of his chest.
`I thought you’d be mad and then we’d break up and never speak again and-“ You wrung your hands together more frantically as he stepped away more.
“You thought right. I am mad.” He sighed sadly, not giving you the satisfaction of a last look as he walked away. A few tears finally escaped your eyes as you watched him.
You paced up and down the common room as Sirius, James and Peter did their own thing, your relentless thinking seemingly escaped your own head as James spoke up.
“I told you.” He hummed sadly as he waxed his broom. “I know.” You sighed. “So many times.” He looked up at you, a motherly shake and sigh as he rubbed circles around the helt. “I know.” You groaned, frustrated with your own decisions.
“For the record I said he’d be hurt.” Sirius wedged in his own opinion, you and James shooting him an angry look. He held up in arms in surrender, shutting his mouth before someone could tell him.
You groaned loudly, throwing your arms up in the air. “I’m going to sleep.’ You announced and your audience shrugged as you stormed off.
Tired and sad, you crawled into the sad excuse you called a bed, a light brown blood stain still on your pillow as you climbed in. You needed to tell Remus something, anything, that reflected your guilt, but you thought it best be a job for tomorrow if you could ever fall asleep.
You caught Remus in the courtyard, the sunset sky looking over it. He was alone, thank merlin, as he read to himself. You took a deep breath and tapped his shoulder. “What.” He stated, still mad. The statement not really in question and more ‘Please leave me alone.’ You sighed and tried to make the words come out, but as he stood up towering over you, you had to clear the lump in your throat before you spoke.
“Let me explain myself and you can hate me in peace, I promise.” You looked up at him with pleading eyes, he chuckled bitterly. “Please, Moony…” You pleaded further trying to catch his gaze.
“I don’t hate you, (Y/N)… How could I? It’s just that I don’t want to hurt you again. Look at you” He pushed your face up with his hand, tracing the scar across your face. “I couldn’t handle that. We made a promise and then you just lied to me.” You looked down, ashamed of his soft eyes piercing your soul. “Your word means nothing if I can’t trust you or myself.” You sat down on the stone ledge in the courtyard.
Remus frowned down at you, his lips pursed slightly as you tried to speak. He bent down to sit next to you.You were trying so hard to get the words out in a way that made sense. He sighed and looked away from you and up into the lilac sky. “Everyone promised no one would get hurt.” He looked back at you, laying a hand on yours. “I can’t handle hurting you again.” You keep your eyes locked away from him. You could hear him sigh again, taking the hand away. “I can’t handle you hurting me again…” He struggled to get the last words out, his throat catching the last syllable.
“This is why I couldn’t tell you. I can rest and be fine. You do it every month, I think I can handle getting a scratch.” You felt yourself growing more frustrated with him. Treating you like you couldn’t handle a bit of roughhousing. Though every time he looked at your scar your heart hurt. You put a hand on his shoulder softly, trying to keep the same energy as him.
“It’s not fine. It’s different for me. I deserve this.” He shrugged it off, staying as stubborn as ever.
“You, Remus Lupin, don’t deserve this.” Your frustration was very clear through your tone now, pausing before every word.
“You can’t possibly understand what I go through.” He turned away from you now, eyes truly locked on the sky, refusing to look at you.
“I know that, but I’m trying to, okay?” You huffed out, crossing your arms as you watched his eyes dart from cloud to cloud. Choosing to focus on everything, but you. Your chest growing heavier with guilt and anger.
“Maybe you should stop then. You don’t need to.” He said as he stole a side glance as your frown, looking a little proud at his affect on you. “But I want to, Remus.” You sighed, crawling into yourself as you laid your arms and head on your legs.
“Then maybe we should break up.” The words landed into your brain with a crash, the feeling of the moon being pulled from the sky. Leaving you to feel the darkness that was washing over the sky as the sunset. “W-What?” You managed to choke out.
“Maybe we just shouldn’t be together, We can’t keep hurting each other.” He stared off into space, failing to notice the stream of the tears that started to fall down your face as the words felt like they were slowly choking you. “How can we date if you can’t be honest with me?” The sounds from your sobs were getting more difficult to keep to yourself. Your shoulders shuddered with the exhausted sobs leaving your body, Remus’s ‘peace’ being disturbed by this, he looked back at you.
“I’m s-sorry, I really… I really didn’t want to lie. Please don’t hate me, Remus. Please. I thought it would be okay, that you could be okay. I didn’t want to hurt you” The violent sobs took a course through your throat, the words harder than you thought they’d be. He frowned, this isn’t how he hoped it would go. Against all his better judgement he grabbed you, holding you close as you sobbed.
“It’s okay.” He hummed softly as he held your shaking frame, you sobbed harder into his chest. “It’s not. I lied t-to you. You deserved to know” You spoke muffled by his sweater. “I don’t want to lose you.” “You won’t lose me, love.” He squeezed your body a little tighter, your arms weakly snaking around him too.
“I shouldn’t have lied, it wasn’t fair to you.” You hiccuped as you pulled away from his grasp, looking up at him with the softest look you could. The guilt eating away at you as you watched him look back just as lovingly.
“It wasn’t” He sighed, taking your hands into his while you desperately tried to control your crying.
“I just… You can’t protect me all the time, even from yourself” His heart broke looking at the tears streaming down your face, his eyes softened as he held your hands pulling them to his lips to kiss softly. “I shouldn’t have said that to you.” He whispered into them which felt like it made you sob harder. He was so kind to you.
“I really am sorry, Remus.” You said as you held onto his soft hands, feeling his lips plant another kiss softly onto them.
“I know.” He said softly as you brought you into another hug, wrapping his arms warmly around you. It made you feel safe. It made him feel better.
