(AP - Washington, D.C.) Early Sunday Morning, President Trump announced that he is issuing a blanket pardon for former president Barack Obama, the first such action by a president since President Ford pardoned Richard Nixon in September of 1974.
“I simply believe that the nation needs to turn the page and begin anew. We can’t get on with making America Great with a constant clamoring for extensive and time-consuming prosecutions of former presidents and secretaries of state,” said President Trump, “I’m sure Barack will tell you himself that the actions of the previous president only served to disrupt progress.”
“I am thankful to President Trump,” said President Obama, “He compassionately wanted to let me retire in peace. I just wish I had the same strength of character when it came to whether or not to pardon President Bush.”
In their White House meeting, the second since President Trumps’ inauguration, the President basked in Obama’s endorsements while returning the compliment.
“It’s not out of the question that I’ll award Obama the Presidential Medal of Freedom. After all, he enabled a peaceful transition to the freest administration since the Founding Fathers,” concluded President Trump.
With Obama receiving a blanket pardon, the nation’s healing can truly begin.
Move by incoming administration to insure Republican predictions in January 2016 come true.
(Reuters - Whiteman Air Force Base, MO) Air Force officials here received notice to prepare for a nuclear weapons transfer to Iran in 2021 should they fail to produce their own weapons.
Citing Republican predictions in January 2016 that insisted Iran would be guaranteed to have nuclear weapons by 2021 thanks to Obama’s Iran deal, Donald Trump said that he was left with no choice but to safeguard the credibility and trustworthiness of conservative politicians and pundits by giving Iran the nukes they have thus far failed to make for themselves.
When asked why the long lead-time, Brigadier General Paul Tibbets IV, commander of Whiteman AFB, explained that it takes time for American nuclear stockpile transfers to take place.
“Also, we do not have the confidence that Iran would be able to mount the warhead on their Emad IRBM (Arabic: عماد, meaning “pillar”), so we have to do the integration here at Whiteman before delivery. While it might take Iranian scientists 10-20 years to accomplish this under the best of circumstances, our nuclear weapons scientists have it down to an art-form and we’re sure we can get it done in 3-4 years.”
“It’s important to recognize that this will ONLY happen if Iran doesn’t otherwise deploy their own nuclear weapons,” said Trump spokesperson Katrina Pierson, “We fully expect them to be able to get this done on their own. In that case, we won’t have wasted time because we would have learned a lot from mounting the warhead ourselves, enabling President Trump to counter their aggressive use of nuclear weapons with a preëmptive strike.”
When confronted with this plan by Reuters, Obama looked surprised, indicating that, as expected, he is entirely out of the loop when it comes to Iran. Calling the Vice President into the office, asking him to comment, aghast, Biden said, “This is a Big Fucking Deal.”
The Iranian Embassy did not immediately return requests for comment.
An earlier version of this report incorrectly identified General Tibbets as Brigadier Tibbets.
(CNN - New York) The New York City Kingdom Hall (NYCKH) of Jehovah’s Witnesses has filed suit in 2nd district federal court today challenging Obamacare’s blood transfusion coverage requirements.
“Christians shall not ingest blood,” said Jacob Edelman, spokesperson for the NYCKH, “and it is a mortal sin for a Christian to accept a blood transfusion and, by extension, to pay for one. The Jehova’s Witnesses are not asking for anything that Hobby Lobby isn’t asking for.”
Hobby Lobby objected to the comparison.
“Hobby Lobby isn’t asking for crazy requirements,” said a representative, “it’s ridiculous to demand people not get blood transfusions. If you don’t want a blood transfusion, don’t get one, but ultimately the choice is left to the conscience of the patient,” they said, oblivious to their own reality.
A preliminary injunction may be granted next week when the Court hears oral arguments for the two sides.
New Study in the New England Journal of Irreproducible Results finds desalination via Reverse Osmosis, the most common process for desalinizing water, introduces carcinogens.
Sodium and Chlorine atoms surrounded by water molecules.
The NEJIR, one of the world’s leading peer-reviewed homeopathic health journals, has published a study that finds fluoridation is, indeed, safe, but that desalination creates a toxic concoction that puts at risk millions of Americans.
“It is at the 0.95 confidence interval that we found desalinated water, when combined with a diet of dried corn, created cancers in laboratory rats at a rate n that was significantly beyond that explained by standard error bars and statistical deviations than rats provided with neither,” the report stated in its conclusions, “Similar toxicity was noted with desalinated water to reconstitute orange juice concentrate.”
With the 2015 opening of America’s largest desalination plant, whose purpose is primarily to combat drought, concerns are being expressed over the use of the water for farming of foods, especially corn.
“First pesticides, then GMOs, and now this,” said Eric Vermeel-VanderHague, president of the Humanitarian Action In Realtime Global Earth Liberation League. Vermeel-VanderHague accepts the desalination claims but rejects the fluoridation claims by the same study because the study was government-sponsored.
“Of course government is going to say that what government does is safe,” Vermee;-VenderHague said, “We’re not giving up that fight yet.”
The government does not intend to act on this study, though president-elect Donald Trump promised to look into it.
Special thanks to ratclub.org for their information on rats.
Popular post-election Joe Biden meme triggers firefight between rival biker gangs.
(AP - Phoenix, AZ) A popular meme making light of Joe Biden and Barack Obama’s friendship started a shootout between rival biker gangs at the Bike’s’n’Broads club in Callard, Az, last night killing three and wounding six. The meme was created by one of the dead men, identified by police as Frank “Cherrypicker” Franks, a member of the Asphalt Honchos biker gang out of Phoenix.
The confrontation started when Franks hung a color print of the meme, based on the image above, making a colorful and derogatory reference to the “membership” of rival gang, Phirestarters, out of Tempe. A group of the Phirestarters entered, and witnesses state that a physical confrontation rapidly became deadly, with a dozen members of the Phirestarters and about a score of Honchos exchanged gunfire.
1200 expended rounds were counted by police evidence teams, and eight firearms, including a homemade “greasegun” type submachine gun and four AR-15s were recovered at the scene. 120 10-round high-capacity magazines were found, and a police source states that they only stopped shooting when they ran out of ammunition, right around the time the police arrived less than five minutes later.
Six Honchos and two Phirestarters have been charged with murder, assault with a deadly weapon, and reckless endangerment. Further charges are expected against white members of the gang as well.
Senator John McCain (R-AZ) has introduced legislation that would expand anti-libel laws to include memes and exclude them from satire protections. President-elect Donald Trump said he would sign the legislation, although he argued for making the law more restrictive.
Bikes’n’Broads reopened two hours late this morning and expects to remain open during the investigation.
They have taken down the print.
Totallynotfakenews has elected not to reprint the offending meme out of respect for the dead and in order to end the toxic masculinity associated with penis size.
More Americans are identifying as LGBT on college applications in order to gain perceived advantages in admissions processes.
A recent study in the New England Journal of Irreproducible Results has found that there has been a sharp increase in high school students identifying as LGBT solely to reap the affirmative action benefits in college admissions. This is especially true for white male applicants, who feel it’s the only way to mitigate their whiteness and maleness which are seen as disadvantages.
“A white male has to have a perfect 4.0 and several outstanding extra-curriculars [sic] just to have a chance to get into UVA,” bemoaned one mother, a teacher in Fluvanna County, VA, “I was told my son didn’t have a shot because even though he has the 4.0, we’re rich, and UVA simply isn’t looking for those kinds of students.” She encouraged her son to write in his essay that he is genderfluid and on the ace spectrum.
“I don’t like to think of my son having sex and I don’t like that genderqueer as ‘queer’ in it, so I felt this was the lest bad of all worlds.”
When reached for comment, the University of Virginia said that they have no such formal admissions standards, and that the average GPA for incoming freshmen is 4.23, based on weighted GPAs and a 660-680 in each of the SAT categories.
“Perhaps if her son had worked harder in high school, he wouldn’t have had to attend George Mason,” the admissions officer, speaking on condition of anonymity, observed.
The Trump administration has recently addressed the concerns of white people everywhere, promising a fair and balanced affirmative action program that would positively weight citizenship and performance and only give slight preference to income and breeding.
“It’s time to put the ‘American’ back into ‘American University’,” said alt-Right leader, Richard Spencer, “It’s time to end reverse-racism and reverse-sexism. And, yes, it’s racism because affirmative action is institutionalized prejudice. QED,” he added brightly.
It remains to be seen whether the Trump administration will be able to, much less interested in, following-through on any of its promises.
Totallynotfakenews wants to reassert that it is an EEOC minority-owned LGBT-friendly business.
(TNFN)- TotallyNotFakeNews has received an advance copy of Trump’s State of the Union address and, in it, he plans on claiming victory.
“I am proud to report to you that the State of our Union is strong - but the state of our wall is stronger!” he plans on beginning, “We now have over 1000 kilometers more wall than we had when George Bush left office, and the Democrats ultimately did not oppose any of it. Today’s opposition is merely political theater - sad!”
His tone throughout the SotU appears to be victorious and celebratory, stressing how much he has won over the last two years and downplaying Democratic gains in the House by leaning heavily on the GOP’s picking up of two Senate seats in red states as indications of Democratic weakness.
TNFN’s own Emilius Otrepamfuak asked Sarah Huckabee Sanders to verify that we had a true copy of the SotU address. Ms. Sanders observed that she was unable to confirm whether the address was a true copy because she was not privy to the President’s speeches in advance. In fact, she said that no one was, and suggested we were either making things up or Trump himself gave us the speech, in which case, her confirmation was unnecessary.
Mr. Otrepamfuak denied that TNFN would do either one of those, because that would be either reprehensible or amount to bragging about how the President confides in his favorite news source more than he does in his own staff. Emilius denies claims that he skipped out of the room.
(Washington, DC - AP) On Sunday night, President Trump demanded at a contentious press conference that the FBI investigate Antifa for terrorism charges after Tucker Carlson reported they broke down his door and assaulted his children in their beds.
On November 7th, protests outside Tucker Carlson’s home left the Fox News host shaken and angry. Carlson said there was pounding on the door and it cracked before his wife had a chance to lock herself in a pantry safe room. None of her children joined her in the safe room.
“They chanted, ‘Death to Whitey,’ and, ‘burn all Christians,’ reported Carlson in a tweet. When asked to explain why Carlson’s version of events doesn’t appear in the police reports, Trump replied, “Because the liberals like Nancy Pelosi and Obama are in charge of the city and hand-pick officers who hate Real Americans. A white Christian male can’t get a fair shake in DC.”
“This is a preview of what it will be like when the Caravan of invading leftist Mexicans arrives at the border from Honduras - which we expect will happen just in time for the election in 2020,” the President added.
When asked to comment, chief of police Lanier categorically denied the charge, adding, “I guess this is what you get when you legalize pot.”
Violent movies contribute too much to today’s mass shootings, the Hollywood action star says.
(Los Angeles, Reuters) - Citing the popularity of his movies among young men aged 17-30, Oscar Winner Liam Neeson says he will be dropping prop firearms from any action movie he makes, relying instead on martial arts.
“I’ll still make threats with finger-guns as a compromise,” he said, demonstrating, “but my characters will always follow it up with Jiu-Jitsu or Kung Fu instead of the violence of guns.”
Yes, people will still die in his movies, and bad guys will, of course, use firearms. But the heroes of the story will always use direct-contact violence, or use knives and, of course, swords for his fantasy movies.
“I believe Mr. Neeson’s appeal is Mr. Neeson, not Glock or Ruger,” said his publicist when asked for further comment, “And that will be made clear in his next movie project.”
Mr. Neeson’s next project does, indeed, forego the possibility of his arming himself, as he is set to play the Pope.
Trump’s nomination represents an attempt at expanding the Court to 10 members.
(Washington DC) Donald Trump today said that yesterday’s events were a clear signal from God that Roy Moore’s place is in Washington as co-Chief-Justice of the Supreme Court, sharing Chief Justice duties with Justice Roberts.
“Today we embark on a new chapter in God’s plan,” said Moore at the press conference announcing his nomination, “You can draw a direct line from Joseph and Mary to today and in both cases the Christians were discriminated against. The Soros liberals have told us there’s no room at the Inn of the Capitol Building but Trump kindly offers the Manger of the Supreme Court. With the Wise Men of Gorsuch, Alito, and Thomas at my side, we will help the Court rule as it always should have.”
When reached for comment, Mitch McConnell said they would be willing to suspend filibuster rules again, “…so that the people’s voice may be heard.”
No date has yet been set for confirmation proceedings.
GOP House of Delegates Leader to eliminate gendered form of address
(TNFN - Virginia) In a stunning victory for advocates of social justice, Virginia’s Republican Speaker of the House of Delegates is proposing to do away with gendered forms of address in the chamber, trashing the traditional “gentleman” and “gentlewoman” - a tradition dating back almost 100 years - in favor of the PC term “delegate”.
The talk around the capitol is that after November’s bloodbath, where Virginia’s Democratic Party increased its House membership 44% and the GOP narrowly avoided losing control of what has been a conservative state for almost 250 years, the Republican Party had to make up ground where it was weakest - social issues.
“Millenials are voting against the GOP in record numbers and that’s largely driven by their more accepting social stances,” said one anonymous GOP official, “This was seen the best move in a lose-lose situation.”
Others, however, credit this profound move to the left to Delegate Danica Roem, who recently unseated arguably the most homophobic delegate in the state earlier this month. This victory was seen as a clear signal the GOP’s days were numbered in Virginia, and the proposed change is seen as a direct result of her victory over the sitting delegate.
When she takes her seat in January, Ms. Roem will have already been the owner of perhaps one of the biggest political sea-changes in recent memory in Virginia as the delegates welcome her to the chamber.
Trump endorses site that broke Hillary lesbian underage sex tape over TNFN
According to Thinkprogress, a site usually late to the party, President Trump tweeted a link to magapill.com, a competitor of TNFN which broke stories on earthquake machines, the plot to weaponize forced vaccinations, and a report on human sacrifice.
We at TNFN feel that Trump has overlooked the premier alternative news site in favor of one which does a disservice to its readers by coming across as paranoid, partisan, and preposterous, as well as demonstrating a notable lack of alliteration.
The TNFN editorial board has determined that this oversight comes entirely from a lack of twitter presence, one which we have since rectified. Come follow us at TNFNtweets on twitter!
President Donald Trump pardoned a Thanksgiving Turkey today, becoming the first president to do so and starting a new tradition.
“Never before has any president done this,” he tweeted, “Sad,” he observed.
Thanksgiving became a national holiday in 1863 - at the height of the Civil War - and is therefore not celebrated through much of the South.
“I’m hoping that this sign of unity as a Representative of Red States, including the South, and this National Bird, will help heal all of America, making it great again,” he tweeted hours later.
“I feel so good about myself doing this,” Trump said as he stroked the turkey. Then, he finally declared: “Drumstick, you are hereby pardoned.”
The President today submitted to Congress legislation to provide five-star accommodations with a scenic view, a fireplace, high-speed Internet, and conjugal visits with people other than their wives for any offender who once held the highest office in the land.
“A President has served his country and should circumstances arise where he needs to serve years beyond the end of his term he should be afforded prison accommodations befitting his social rank, regardless of whether he finds himself inconvenienced for larceny, fraud, or espionage,” said White House advisor Steve Bannon, “We think this is appropriate to that end.”
Trump made the highly unusual move of tweeting during daylight hours in support of the bill:
Republicans have stated that they fully support Trump but don’t think they have enough votes, despite holding the majority in both houses of Congress and having done away with the filibuster.
“You won’t find a single Republican opposing the President,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan, “but we just don’t have the votes yet. We’re still trying to identify how a conscience made its way past security and we hope that our base understands that this is entirely the Democrat Party’s fault.”
Congress will resume consideration of the bill after their October-February Christmas break.
(CNN)Donald Trump tweeted a series of tweets of conversations between Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin during the 2016 campaign that prove that Donald Trump, Jr., acted alone.
“Fake news is failing to dominate the news cycle. Sad. #CNNbodyslam” he tweeted later.
Rush Limbaugh was quick to declare the scandal over.
“By definition, a Republican president cannot lie,” said Limbaugh Thursday, “So anyone who reports on this so-called ‘Russiagate’ is lying to you and part of the liberal mainstream MSM media.”
Kellyanne Conway is scheduled to be on Anderson Cooper 360 tonight to address these tweets. Sources at CNN say that Anderson has been spending hours in front of a mirror holding a printed out copy of a pear meme, practicing saying, “Lolwut?” without first rolling his eyes.
Compromise law requires investigators of crimes involving Muslims face Mecca to pray two times a day
(London - BBC) A new law, inspired by Sharia and passed as an indication that the British government is sensitive to the needs and culture of its Muslim minority, requires any police investigation involving Muslims - either as suspects or victims - to face Mecca twice a day for prayer. Originally, the proposed law required five times daily, as it is for Muslims, but in order to avoid accusations that this was a sign the Church of England was changing to Islam, the compromise bill made it twice daily, once at the midday prayers and once in the evening.
“If the officer is off-duty, it exempts them from completing the second prayer,” said MP Shiela Wainwright, “Although the law urges investigators to consider praying five times, on-duty or off, while the investigation is on-going.”
The law is difficult to follow, say critics, as often the religion of perpetrators and victims is unknown, and the law also fails to exempt Muslim officers, and some interpretations of the law imply they therefore will pray seven times a day.
“It’s complete shit,” said BNP MP George Englebert, “We didn’t Brexit our way out of the EU just so we could Brenter Islam.”
The law took effect just before the London attacks by Khalid Masood, 52, and so it serves as a high-visibility first implementation of the law and an opportunity to demonstrate to the world Britain’s tolerance and that it doesn’t blame all Muslims for the actions of a few.
Gunman yelled, “Go back to your country!” while shooting.
(AP - Bismarck, ND) A Trump supporter was shot by a man wielding an assault weapon yelling, “Go back to your country!” The victim, Willie “Tex” Johnson, came over from his home in Portland, Oregon, in order to work on the Dakota Access Pipeline and is in critical but stable condition at the Sacred Heart of Jesus Catholic Hospital in Bloomington, IL.
The attack appears to be unprovoked, although sources in the prosecutor’s office say that hate crime charges are planned for the suspect, Wahchintonka Jones of Bismarck, who fired multiple rounds in his attack.
It’s not immediately clear where Mr. Johnson’s family is from, but it’s clear he is of non-native extraction.
“He doesn’t even claim Cherokee ancestry - which about 99% of white people claim even though less than 1% have any Cherokee ancestry at all.” said family friend and co-worker, Ed Cochrane, “He’s whiter than the Queen of England. So I think it was a hate crime.”
Witnesses say that Mr. Johnson was coming out of a 7-11 with a bag of pork rinds and a Mountain Dew, and Mr. Jones followed him out of the store. It’s unclear if there was a confrontation inside, but as Johnson started getting into the passenger seat of Cochrane’s truck, Jones pulled out a gun and fired while yelling.
Jones fled the scene, dropping the gun and was found by police walking along the side of the road less than a mile away. He was taken into custody without incident and his public defender is asking for a psych evaluation.
MPAA system has been in its current form for over 25 years
(Breitbart - Oval Office) President Donald J. Trump has issues a new Executive Order ending the liberal political correctness behind the Trigger Warnings that have been used to kill the commercial viability of movies and interfering with educational films like Apocalypto and Children of Men, which deliver a pro-life message and is the real reason they were given a so-called “r rating”.
The MPAA has been issuing movie ratings to help guide parents in their decisions to expose children to too much violence or any sexual nudity.
“It’s useless,” said White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, “I took my wife to see 50 Shades of Grey in order to re-ignite our interest in helping do our civic duty. But there were parents who brought three year-olds to the film and instead, it made my wife so uncomfortable she got a headache instead.”
Correction: an earlier version of this article speculated that Secretary Spicer’s social agenda was negatively impacted by the experience and is the source of his constant foul mood. That speculation was completely out of place and we’re told there are no problems ‘down there’.
Disinviting him after criticizing Berkeley seen as hypocritical
(TNFN Exclusive) You won’t see his name in the program. You won’t see signs for his talk. However, CPAC has nonetheless given Milo Yiannopoulos a room to host a panel on the alt-Right and his appearance on Bill Maher. His talk, which is reported to take place Saturday the 25th from 2-4pm in room E of the convention center.
Organizers for the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) had re-invited the controversial figure after a debate over free speech and hypocrisy became heated at a staff meeting of conference personnel. Sources state that organizers were concerned that after the heavy criticism levied at Berkeley over uninviting Yiannopoulos, CPAC looks like gross hypocrites for canceling his appearance.
The anti-Yiannopoulos staff members objected that his apparent pro-pedophilia statements regarding grown men helping young gay boys through a coming of age about which they cannot talk to their parents were not political but criminal in nature, and advocating criminal acts, especially crimes against nature, and especially against children, even consensual, made his statements qualitatively different than his advocacy of enshrining bigotry in law.
Pro-Yiannopoulos staffers offered the rebuttal that speech is speech, and that offering a gay man a forum devoted to government policy is therefore an entirely unrelated event yet valuable in dispelling the notion that the GOP is anti-gay.
Eventually, the pro-Yiannopoulos side won when they offered to leave the talk out of the event program and rely on word of mouth.
“Yiannopoulos will avoid the subject of sex entirely,” said a source familiar with the discussion, “and keep the conversation focused on immigration, political correctness, and liberal anti-speech at colleges and universities creating a hostile environment for conservative students.”
It’s not clear what will happen now that it has been made public, and organizers will be having yet another emergency meeting on Friday the 24th to review their options. The source suggested that since the event was never in the program, they may yet un-invite him again and argue that he had never been restored to the conference.
TNFN will pursue an answer and post an update to this article when appropriate
Correction: An earlier version of this article said that his advocacy of HB2 was not to protect girls in women’s bathrooms but to create an atmosphere where more “coming of age” opportunities could arise. That was pure speculation on the part of our correspondent.
(Reuters - Munich) American Vice-President Mike Pence laid a wreath at the memorial for the Dachau concentration camp as he toured Europe to solicit support for recognizing the unfair deal the world had imposed on the United States following the Cold War, leaning heavily on American leadership and economics to sustain the post-Cold War peace.
Taking questions, Pence was asked about the use of the term Holocaust yet not making reference to Jews, to which Pence offered an expansion of previous statements by the administration.
“The president has made his position clear,” said the vice-president, “The Jews are not the only victims of the Holocaust. There were Lutherans, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Catholics… the Holocaust affected many other faiths and creeds, and Hitler’s persecution of Christians is well-established fact. As NAZI Party Secretary Martin Bohrmann said, 'National Socialism and Christianity are irreconcilable.’”
“But isn’t the popular use of the term, Holocaust, usually used in reference to the genocide of the Jews?” asked Glen Thrush of the New York Times.
“Typical mainstream journalism,” replied Pence, shaking his head, “The term comes from the Greek, not the Jewish language, and its first usage in the post-medieval era was by Leitch Ritchie in reference to the genocide of Christians in France, possibly as a sacrifice to mollify Islamic Terrorists who had recently attacked Tours in Southern France.” He went on to stare at Thrush, who, at a loss for words, sat back down.
[TNFN Note: The Battle of Tours occurred more than 1000 years before Leitch Ritchie was born.]
“There were, of course, some non-Christian victims of Hitler, as some men suspected of crimes against nature were, in fact, merely political opponents,” the vice-president added.
“Wasn’t the LGBT community victimized as well?” asked Jeff Gannon.
“No,” said Pence, “If that was the case, they would have been liberated with the camps. Instead, they were moved to other prisons. Hitler didn’t treat the LGBT community any worse than anyone else.”
No more questions were taken and Pence headed to his next tour stop, described on the itinerary distributed by White House Chief Advisor Steve Bannon, as the Warsaw low-income housing projects built by the Germans during WWII to provide shelter to over 400,000 Jews.
Correction: An earlier version of this article misspelled White House Chief Advisor’s name as ‘Steve Bunyon’.
(AP - Washington, D.C.) Early Sunday Morning, President Trump announced that he is issuing a blanket pardon for former president Barack Obama, the first such action by a president since President Ford pardoned Richard Nixon in September of 1974.
“I simply believe that the nation needs to turn the page and begin anew. We can’t get on with making America Great with a constant clamoring for extensive and time-consuming prosecutions of former presidents and secretaries of state,” said President Trump, “I’m sure Barack will tell you himself that the actions of the previous president only served to disrupt progress.”
“I am thankful to President Trump,” said President Obama, “He compassionately wanted to let me retire in peace. I just wish I had the same strength of character when it came to whether or not to pardon President Bush.”
In their White House meeting, the second since President Trumps’ inauguration, the President basked in Obama’s endorsements while returning the compliment.
“It’s not out of the question that I’ll award Obama the Presidential Medal of Freedom. After all, he enabled a peaceful transition to the freest administration since the Founding Fathers,” concluded President Trump.
With Obama receiving a blanket pardon, the nation’s healing can truly begin.
Emails from DNC server show Flynn, DIA director under Obama, was sent as a mole and Trump caught him just in time.
(RT - Moscow) Documents provided by Wikileaks in the form of emails and memos hacked from the DNC prove General Flynn actually joined the Trump campaign under false pretenses.
“Have Flynn call me,” stated one email from DNC chair Debbie Wasserman-Schultz to Obama in August, “We need to make sure he doesn’t overplay his hand on Russia.”
“It seems pretty clear that the email proves the DNC knew and in fact directed Flynn’s communications with Russian Intelligence,” said Press Secretary Sean Spicer, “That means that it was actually Hillary in contact with Russia. That makes a lot more sense. It means Putin was trying to help the Democrats by setting up the president and that, as has been historically true, it is the Democrats who have betrayed the nation to Russia.”
The administration hasn’t released all the evidence yet, stating that they want to make sure none of the evidence against Hillary and the DNC was fabricated.
“We want to be certain we don’t inadvertently mislead the American People. President Trump has been nothing but 100% honest and accurate with his statements, and we want to continue the administration’s track record,” explained Spicer.
“If these new leaks turn out to be confirmed, and we think they will,” say Attorney General Sessions, “We will indict Hillary, Obama, and anyone else in the DNC privy to this plot to bring down the government. We will charge them with espionage and sedition. Anyone who speaks with a foreign power about policy decisions when not authorized by the president is committing a serious crime, and since Flynn did so, that he did so at the behest of the Democratic Party is both serious and disappointing.”
The administration promised confirmation no later than Monday.
Illegal immigrants flown in from Algeria turned the election in New Hampshire for Hillary
(TNFN Exclusive!) TNFN has learned that the Hillary Clinton campaign flew in some 4,172 Algerians - without visas - into New Hampshire aboard 30 Algerian Airlines airliners, utilizing more than half its total fleet, including all 21 of Air Algérie’s Boeing 737-800s, all 3 of their 767-800s, and 6 of their Airbus A330-200s.
When asked how the Clinton campaign managed such a feat without immigration and TSA controls, our source claimed that Clinton was, “owed a few favors,” by certain State Department and Department of Homeland Security Personnel.
“Besides,” said the source, “they didn’t want to be out of a job if Trump won, so they had nothing to lose. It’s not like someone doing something illegal for Hillary has ever gone to jail.”
Upon arrival, the Algerians were given English phrasebooks, the names of dead people still on the voter rolls, and “flesh” colored foundation to make them look white. They were then bused to the various polling places throughout the state, each group of voters accompanied by a lawyer and a campaign staffer.
“You would think that this would be a really dumb plan,” said the source who is highly placed in the informal Clinton organization chart, “But really, have you noticed how many poll workers are elderly retirees? You’re lucky if they can see whether you’re wearing jeans or a dress, much less figure out that 20 year-old 6′3″ Muhammed Al Qafar isn’t actually 87 year-old 5′2″ Miriam Wexgeld of Beford.”
“What about their accents and poor English,” TNFN asked.
“They were instructed to say they were Jews from Poland. Works every time. Who the Hell knows what a Polish accent even sounds like?”
The estimated cost of the operation, including bus rentals, attorneys’ fees, paying the Algerians for their time and discomfort, and chartering more than 50% of an airline’s fleet came to over $9 million, or about $2200 per vote.
“In a billion-dollar campaign, nine million is pocket change,” the source explained, “Sure - that could have more than doubled her ad buys in Florida or Michigan, but we feel New Hampshire’s 4 electoral votes were critical to a blowout victory.”
TNFN asked a variety of experts, including conservative pundits, neutral observers, and liberal mouthpieces.
“You’d have to be a complete fucking idiot,” said the normally reserved and polite Larry Sabato, political scientist at the University of Virginia, “What kind of inane and shitty conspiracy theory are you peddling?” He then hung up on TNFN, proving that he was in the bag for Hillary.
“Oh, they totally did that,” said Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly, “I just wish I had thought of it. We could have flown people into Texas from Oklahoma to balance out our wins. It would have been worth it - it’s on the front of everyone’s minds these days.”
“That would be a surprising spending decision and I would have advised against it,” said Rachel Maddow, lying through her teeth, “It really sounds like there are better ways to spend money than bringing people in from elsewhere. Couldn’t you just have campaign staffers drive their own cars from polling place to polling place? It’s not like the polling officials talk to each other during the day, and this way, fewer people would be able to reveal the fraud. I’m not sure anyone who thinks more than about 10 seconds would consider this even remotely a good idea, much less something a super-funded political party would do.”
TNFN will stay on top of this story and attempt to find independent confirmation from anyone we can pay enough to be willing to be the murderers of their own posterity by agreeing to say so on the record.
Correction: An earlier version of this story erroneously stated that George Soros personally flew his privately-owned Leer Jet to bring a delegation of uniformed Chinese People’s Liberation Army generals to vote as well. It turns out they were just Algerian PLA generals.
Kellyanne Conway tweets popular pro-life meme identifying the unstated implications of the movie
<p>(TNFN - Hollywood, CA) Kellyanne Conway tweeted her support of a complete abortion ban referencing the 2008 box office smash The Curious Case of Benjamin Button wherein a man is born old and gets younger and younger as time progresses.
“We never know what life will manifest as,” she said, when asked to expand on what she meant, “The Lord works in mysterious ways and I don’t limit His miracles to what we know as scientifically possible. Otherwise, they wouldn’t be miracles, now, would they?”
Aside from the entirely impossible case of having someone going through this kind of biological development, Kellyanne Conway also hadn’t seen the movie, or she would have known that Benjamin Button wasn’t born with an adult mind.
“That’s because the movie was a work of fiction,” she explained, “God can do anything He wants.” Her answer was met with silence, prompting her to add, “I’m glad you are finally being awed by the truly infinite nature of Jesus’ power. That’s why we call Him God.”
Asked whether he held the same views, President Trump said, “We have freedom of religion in this country - or, at least, we HAD freedom of religion. I’m going to change that and it’s going to be amazing. People will be able to express all kinds of beliefs; beliefs about Jesus - great guy - and beliefs about the Lord Our God, the God of Abraham, and even the God of the Old Testament. America will be once again a light in the darkness of false religion.”
The President went on to announce an expansion of the Muslim ban to include naturalized american citizens. (”We want to make sure they were properly vetted and, in some cases, rescind naturalization.”)
When TNFN contacted Bill Nye and Neil deGrasse Tyson for their scientific perspectives, Tyson responded, “What the fuck?” while Nye simply threw sheafs of paper in the air out of frustration.
Correction: An earlier version of this report quoted Conway as having said, “We don’t want intelligence interfering with politics.” She did, in fact, say that, but in reference to the FBI investigating Russian hacking of Hillary Clinton’s email server.
